It's over...but we're moving on..."If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal!"

So I posted the other day of those two beautiful lines...I should have known better. :(

6 years of trying to conceive...5 IVF transfers...3.5 years of IVF/fertility treatments...2 miscarriages...and a partridge in a pear tree.

Yup. It was a chemical pregnancy. My beta was an 11. A fucking 11 on day 14dp5dt. The hpt I took that morning was almost stark white. I knew it was over. I just don't understand how it dropped so fast. :(

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pouring money into killing my body with fertility meds that aren't doing a damn thing other than making me fat and depressed.

I have cried for the past few days and let me just say, I seriously have the most amazing group of girlfriends a girl can ask for! I never truly realized what an amazing support system of sisters that I have.

So we are moving on. I want a baby. I want a child to raise with my husband. I cannot see our lives together without raising a child.

Adoption has never truly been on the table. I don't want to say it's a "fallback" plan by any means...we knew it was always an OPTION of building our family - it just wasn't an option we ever considered talking about or looking at because - let's face it - I WANT TO BE PREGNANT.
But that will never happen.

It won't. Not when that takes an egg and a sperm that don't apparently exist.

I know that adoption is an amazing thing - but again, it's not something we ever considered...but now that we have no other options, it's the only option we have left TO consider.

I have a friend who moved right into adoption when they found out they were infertile. Theirs is not a typical adoption story because they had a LOT of legal issues from the biological father (aka the POS...) luckily, right won over wrong and my friend and her husband won the legal battle and were able to keep their precious daughter.

But anyways - I emailed her to get information on the agency they went through...and my husband actually has a contact there as his previous job used to cater there...so I went to their website, emailed them and immediately got a response the next morning!!

There is an adoption meeting on April 25th that we will be going to to learn about what options are available...this specific agency deals more with foster care - but they also have foster to adopt and adopt through foster care.

We, of course, do want an infant adoption (don't most people who adopt?)...we know this could take years and we also don't exactly have the $$ to do this, so we will be doing a gofundme as well as fundraisers and whatever else we need to do to raise the money...but when you're already $40,000 in debt from fertility treatments, it seems impossible...but I will beg, borrow and steal if I need to.

So yeah. Just a quick update.

Two years later...two little lines!!!

Hello everyone! So I haven't posted here in a very long time...but we didn't actually stop treatments...

So after the miscarriage in 2014 - which, btw, 2014 can still suck my ass! lol. Seriously the worst year ever in my entire life...not ust the mc but so many other horrible things...but that was then and I don't even want to think about 2014 anymore. Because 2016 is going to be the BEST year ever!

So after the miscarriage in April 2014, we did another fresh cycle in August and transferred in October to another BFN...we got 3 embies from that batch, put back two and we still have one. We have decided to donate that last one to science because we know it'll never become a baby.

After that failure, we decided it was time to do something else! I had done some research on donor embryos and it took a lot of convincing my husband - but he finally agreed!! So we started our donor embryo journey in early 2015.

Our clinic required everything from a psych eval and counseling to a full on adoption home study. So that's what we did last year! And...we got approved!!! :D

Our beautiful donor embies came from a batch from a couple who was also (of course) infertile...but she was 28 with no issues - and her husband had male factor...so they used donor sperm! They got 5 gorgeous embryos - put back two and got twins. They donated the other three. One other couple received one of those three and got a singleton! So we were blessed with the other two!!!

Our transfer was to take place in January of this year, but it got cancelled because my lining (as usual) sucked...so the doc cancelled and decided on a different protocol with injectable estrogen!

So we started again, the next cycle, and set transfer for March 7! Well, because my period was two days later, that was pushed to March 9. My lining was PERFECT! We transferred two incredibly gorgeous donor embryos at 11:30 a.m. on March 9, 2016.

My beta is set for Wednesday, March 23.

I'm NOT one to POAS and all my past transfers, my husband asked me not to, so I never did. But for this one, transfer #5 I told him "sorry, but I am TOTALLY peeing on every stick I can find!" haha.

So I know that testing too early isn't good...so I forced myself to wait until at LEAST 7dpt. OMG. What is that? Seriously? There's a second line?!!!!!!!

So I took another on 8dpt and 9dpt...and they are still there and getting darker!!!!!!!!!

Holy crap! I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you all how much I LOVE seeing those two little lines! I can't wait until beta on wednesday! I just have the BEST feeling and know that this IS it! I am pregnant with our child(ren)!

Please read me! (I need feedback)..."Dear Friend"...

Ok. So anyone who has read this blog remembers that the timing of my close friend's pregnancy could not have been ANY worse. She and her husband told us they were pregnant literally two weeks after our miscarriage, and that they were 10 weeks along. LIterally the EXACT amount of time we should have been. Bear with me, this may be a long post.

As any infertile knows - going to baby showers and dealing with friends/family that are pregnant when you are not is absolute TORTURE. Most infertiles will do whatever they can, in their power, to ignore their pregnant friends/family for as long as possible. Right or wrong, it's what we do.

I remember the rest of that night like it was yesterday. We were all out on our back deck (they'd come over for dinner). We had a fire going in our pit so it was dark out and we really couldn't see a lot of each other's faces - which is good because I was trying to hard to smile and laugh through the pain and the tears. I texted two of my "IF" girls (one who was going through a fresh IVF failure of her own :(...) and I was just in complete disbelief. I mean seriously?!!!! After they left, I turned (I'm not even sure they were down the driveway yet) but I turned and just sobbed like a baby into my husband's shoulder. I felt devastated. I felt like they had literally just taken a salt shaker and dumped it into my open wound.

And looking back now - I HATE that. I HATE SO MUCH that I felt that way - but I did. period. I did. I was so angry and hurt and mad and you name it, I felt it. I actually felt betrayed - as if they had done it on purpose, just to hurt me.  Which, yes, even on that night I knew better, I knew that was absolutely ludicrous - but most times emotions aren't logical. And that's how I felt.  I SHOULD have been happy and ecstatic that this friend was pregnant. Isn't that HOW friends are supposed to feel when their close friends announce they are pregnant? Especially with their first?!

I SHOULD have been thinking "this is fabulous! I get to help with the baby shower and I get to be an aunt!!!" but no. I felt as if not only had my world already come down on me, but one of the people I needed the most was literally shoveling the dirt into my grave.

I had told this friend - last year - that if they become pregnant before us, that eventually I would be happy for them, but for the first couple of months I wouldn't talk to her. I knew this about myself - I knew I'd be hurt before this even came to fruition.

She learned I wasn't joking about that. I didn't say it to be mean or hurtful. I just knew that if this happened (her getting pregnant first) that I would be sad because we have been trying for 4+ years and $20,000+ to try and get what everyone else gets for free and to see a close friend get it just hurts even more. It sucks. It's not right and it's not fair. I would do anything NOT to have these feelings - but I acknowledge them. I knew it then and obviously know it now.

But to have it happen LITERALLY RIGHT WHEN I have a miscarriage? I mean seriously - COULD the universe have shat any harder on me?

She and her husband were supposed to come over a few weeks ago to have dinner and she stayed home sick. I was honestly pissed because it was one of the first times I truly started "trying". She seemed so excited and happy that I had invited her over and my husband (who works with her husband...btw, I work with her, and our husbands sorta work with each other, but are also good buddies) told me that he (her husband) told him that she was so excited that I had invited her and couldn't wait to come over. Then she got sick and couldn't make it.

I (jokingly) told her husband that night "I wonder if she'd be mad at me for saying "well, if you wouldn't have gotten yourself knocked up, you wouldn't be sick!" jokingly, of course" - yeah, not the right time to say that yet...lol. He laughed, but we agreed I shouldn't say that to her. I also told him "Please don't think I'm mad at her or hate her. I don't. At all. It's just that I can't exactly be happy for you right now when it's impossible to be happy for myself. I'm just so sad." :(

Of course he told me over and over "Believe me, we are in your court, we want this for you SO bad. SHE wants this for you SO bad! And we would do anything for you that we can to help make it happen, if we could." Of course the only thing I wanted them to do was to WAIT to get pregnant til after us. Ridiculous request, I know, but that's the one and only thing I wish they could have done.

So anyways - I was mad at her that night for not showing up...for being told she SO wants to hang out and "misses" hanging out with me and thinks I'm mad at her - yet the first time I finally TRY to put myself out there for her, she's sick. Yes, again - LOGICALLY - I get that morning sickness sucks - and LOGICALLY I know it's "not about me" but damnit, in my world, it IS about me...

So anyways - at work, I haven't seen much of her because we have opposite schedules now and I only have the chance to see her one day a week actually in the building...we have had lunch together a few times on that day in the past few weeks, but of course I do everything I can NOT to say anything about the baby because it just hurts too much.

So this past week we were able to have lunch and I forced myself to ask her if they have found out the sex yet. They have not, but will at their next appointment. Then I asked her what her plans were for this weekend and I asked her if she wanted to get dinner together - just her and me - friday (last) night. She jumped at the chance. :)

I told my husband I had a "date" and he asked if he was invited. I told him - NO lol - this has to be just her and I. He understood.

So we went out and had a really good time. I "tried" to talk about her baby just a bit more (after 2 very strong cocktails, of course, lol) and she kept saying stuff like "drink up now because after July you won't be able to!" (she really DEOS want this for me, I know it!)...and she invited me to go canoeing with her tomorrow! It's a place we went tubing with her and her husband last year and then kayaking with her and another girlfriend of mine (girl's trip) for my birthday last year...it's about an hour and a half away from here - great little park.

So I jumped at the chance. Apparently it was supposed to be her and her husband but he has to work, so she asked me to go. Which I absolutely said yes!

So here's the thing - I want to talk to her about all of this. I want to spill my guts and my feelings to her. I feel like we have grown apart BECAUSE of her pregnancy and that kills me. I hate it. But I feel so torn because while I want to remain close friends AND be happy about the baby - the problem is that it just makes me so sad. I seriously feel so bi-polar (not that I know what true bi-polar is, and I'm not making fun of anyone with it) - but I WANT to be happy - part of me deep down CRAVES to be happy for her and be excited about her baby...but every time I try to bring those feelings to the surface, my sad feelings for me and my husband overwhelm me and all I want to do is cry. Tears of pain. Tears of suffering. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!

Even as I'm typing this, I'm in tears, mainly because even admitting TO all these feelings just makes me want to ball.

So - after all this - this is what I need feedback on...I know I won't say this verbatim but this is basically what I want to say.

Dear Friend,

I want to start this off by saying I really truly honestly want to be happy for you. Regardless of what my ludicrous emotions think, I KNOW you didn't get pregnant on purpose, just to hurt me. And it absolutely KILLS me that I can't be as excited for you right now as I should be. I WANT to be, and I know I will be eventually, but right now it's just not happening. It is getting better, but I'm not 100% there yet. I WANT to go shopping with you for baby stuff and I WANT to talk baby stuff with you, but you have to understand this couldn't have been any worse timing. I know you don't truly understand the pain I'm going through - and I don't WANT you to truly understand it because I'd never wish this type of pain on anyone. But what I need is for you to acknowledge what happened to me and how much it fucking sucks. I want to know that you understand WHY I haven't been able to be around you. I know we aren't "best friends" or anything - but you are one of my closest and dearest friends, and I love spending time with you. I understand that most people have no clue how much infertility hurts. So many women get pregnant so easily and if there was one wish I had in this life it would be that we didn't even know what infertility was. That we had a 3.5 year old by now because that's how old a child would be had we gotten pregnant when we first started. But that didn't happen and the last 4 years have been pure hell, trying to achieve what so many people get so easily. What so man people don't even WANT, we have to pay thousands of dollars to even TRY to conceive. Honestly, had my pregnancy continued, and we'd ended up pregnant with our firsts at the same time, I would have been THRILLED! But to not only lose my baby but then have to see you hit all the milestones at the exact same time that I'm supposed to be. THAT is what kills me. Especially because you have said so many times you weren't sure you even wanted kids. I am happy that you will never have to deal with the pain of infertility...but for me, this just sucks. It's not that you being pregnant sucks - it's me losing my baby and you ending up pregnant at the same time. It's the circumstance/timing itself that sucks. Like I said, I will eventually come around and want to do all the things a friend should for you during this pregnancy - and I WANT you to be able to be excited around me. I don't want you to tiptoe around me. But I do ask that you try and be as sensitive as you can and know that I will come around.

Sincerely,
Me.

My husband got SO pissed off, and that couldn't make me happier!

So most sports fans know by now that Indianapolis Colts player, Robert Mathis, has been suspended for four games due to taking "performance enhancement drugs"...

I don't watch the news anymore so had no idea what had happened...but on friday, my husband called me on his way home from work and was irate over this. Apparently it's all over the news that he has been banned from four games for taking Clomid. Clomid - the FERTILITY drug. The drug that they put my own husband on in order to try and help US get pregnant.

In fact - for Robert Mathis, him taking it HELPED them get pregnant and he even came out and TOLD everyone "we have fertility issues, I took it to help my wife get pregnant and it worked".

He has always been one of my husband's favorite players and now he is 1000% my husband's favorite player! Why my husband was so pissed, though, is because the sports radio he listens to - of course - had absolutely NO IDEA what clomid is used for. So he actually came home and emailed them our story and told them straight up, "Clomid is used for fertility, NOT for enhancing performance".

I am also on a a "news-strike" from anything on facebook (I have a problem with getting pissed off at internet comments)...but I decided to read a bunch of them regarding this issue...and I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised at the # of MEN on the NFL's facebook page who were all FOR Robert Mathis taking clomid and commented that this is for fertility and he's a great man for doing what he had to do!

But as far as the title of this post...it just made me so happy to finally hear from my husband how much something like this pisses him off. Because, of course, I'm VERY vocal about infertility and how much things piss me off...and he's usually not. So to hear him rant and rave about this helps me know how much this DOES piss him off...that I'm not the only one. ya know?

So in other news...aunt flow has FINALLY shown up (yay!) although she was here for like 7 days when normally she's only here for 3...but that's ok. So Cycle #1 down - cycle #2 and sorta 3 to go!
We have to wait 2 cycles to do another IVF cycle. So June will be #2 then July (cycle #3 will be the cycle we do our next IVF).

Of course, we pay completely 100% out of pocket and we didn't exactly have another $10,000 laying around. The first time (our fresh cycle) I took the money from my 401K...then for our first frozen, $$ came from my parents. For this last frozen cycle we had FSA (flexible spending account) that we used, but only gave us $2500 for the year, which of course is gone for this year.

So I knew that before our third cycle after m/c even got here, I NEEDED to have the money. We are absolutely doing a new cycle. We were so close and now that we know it CAN work, we HAVE to do another cycle.

So we looked at all of our options and thought about a home equity loan. The problem is - we already had a revolving home equity LINE with another bank (a much smaller loan)...so our house had to come back at a certain amount, in order for this new bank to be able to give us the new loan AND pay off the other line.

And...it did!!!!!!!!! So we got the new loan - paid off the other line - AND on top of that we were able to pay off two high interest credit cards! (that was about $5,000). So we have the $$ to do our next cycle AND we paid off debt! :D

So honestly - now - it literally is just waiting on my body. We are all set to do our next cycle and the biggest stress of all ($$$) isn't a stress at all!

Let's do this thing!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and the power of belief

So I really am trying...I do NOT want to lose the friendship I have with the girl who's as far along as I'm supposed to be. We're not like "best friends" by anymeans - but we are "close" friends. We do a lot together. We work together and on days when we are both in the office (which is pretty much just Thursdays) we eat lunch together. So we did today. I know she's under a lot of stress with work and all that, but I want to make sure I do what I can. But can I also tell you how incredible effing difficult it is? Sitting there - watching her all pregnant? I even tried to mention the pregnancy and maternity leave...and yes part of me hurt so much when I did this. But I need to. Yes part of me feels tortured but there's a tiny little part of me that keeps saying "you can do this" "you NEED to do this"...and I think, honestly what helped - is that I believe.

I believe - because I KNOW - that we WILL get pregnant and we WILL have a beautiful healthy child.

I just found a quote that I am IN LOVE with...

SOMETIMES THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES PUT US DIRECTLY ON THE PATH TO THE BEST THINGS THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US.

And honestly, I have always believed this. Not this quote verbatim...but I've always looked back on my life and known that the bad things that happen have always made way for the best things to happen.

For example...right before I got the job at the place that I work now, I was working somewhere and got fired. It was the first place I ever really got fired from and I was devastated. It wasn't a GREAT job by any means, but it was better than fast food or wal-mart. I remember going to my apartment and throwing things around and throwing a temper tantrum like I was 3 years old.  I ended up being unemployed for about 6 months...and when my unemployment was running out - literally the very last week I could receive a check - I got a "temp" job at the place where I am now. That was 8 years and 3 departments ago AND I now make 3 times what I was making when I started there.

And to this day I have always believed that had I not gotten fired that day, I would never have found the job where I am now. A job I absolutely love (and hope to stay for the rest of my life). And while there I had a "fling" the first year with a co-worker's brother...and the breakup was SO effing hard on me - I literally cried for 6 months. But then a friend from work took me out one night, to get my mind off of guys, and I remember it truly was one of the first nights I went out NOT "looking" for "Mr. Right" and I found the love of my life. Granted, his sperm sucks, lol - but I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Even the absolutely shitty things in life.

This next one is probably the hardest thing for me to grasp. For so long - for FOUR YEARS I have had this absolute deep seeded fear that I couldn't get pregnant. Even though everything came back on me as "normal" (except for the tiny bit of endo last year) - and everything else was on his side...I just couldn't shake the belief that I'd never even get pregnant.

But you all know - I did because I CAN. Because it is physically possible FOR me TO BE pregnant. It was just a "bad egg"...

But I had a sorta not-really dream last night...It wasn't a true dream...but more of premonition maybe?...I remember laying there last night (half in/out of sleep) and looking down on myself and I was pregnant. Not even just a few weeks - but full term pregnant, with a happy baby and - no joke - there was a rainbow surrounding my belly. I know this sounds weird - but that's something I could NEVER in my "minds' eye" see in myself and that is actually BEING pregnant. But I saw that and it felt soooo right!

So - yes, having gone through this miscarriage has absolutely sucked. It still sucks. Yes I absolutely wish it had worked out. And if anyone else EVER says this to me - I will punch them in their eye (only I can say this to myself)...but maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe I NEEDED to KNOW that I can physically become pregnant. But maybe we need to get this home equity loan to pay off some debt and do a new full round of IVF to have our child/children.

I just need to believe.

Misery loves company...

So something I am trying to fight through is deciding to be happy vs. being miserable all day long. It is SO easy to be mad and pissed and angry and unhappy and down right miserable. It takes a lot of strength NOT to be those things and to look on the "brighter side" of things and try to be happy instead. I almost feel as if - if I decide to be happy then I'm not being true to my baby that I lost. I know that sounds silly and insane...but it's almost like I'm forgetting him/her if I do try and be happy.

It's almost as if - if I decide to be happy, then no one will know that I'm struggling. No one will know what I'm going through and they will all think that everything is honky dory...but I also know that the only person(s) that I'm hurting is myself (yes, and my husband).

I WANT to be happy. I WANT to look forward to our next cycle...but it's like these invisible hands are inside me and pulling me down saying "nope - you will be miserable and you'll like it!"...haha.

So we ARE moving forward. We have applied for a home equity loan (c'mon, isn't that how EVERYONE gets pregnant?) to do our next IVF cycle. We've been approved - but now everything rests on the appraisal. We had the "drive by" appraisal done today (where they look at your house from the outside) and if it comes back at enough, we're good to go! If it does not, then they will have to do a walk-through as well. HOPEFULLY - FINGERS CROSSED...everything is perfect on the outside!

I had a thought yesterday that maybe - just maybe - the reason why our pregnancy didn't last is because we are supposed to go through another fresh cycle to get more embryos. We used our last two that we had during this last cycle and the fact that only ONE took would have meant (had it worked and we had a healthy baby)...we have pretty much decided, unless we have twins, we are "one and done" because both of us are just so tired of going through all of this. Plus once we have a baby in our arms, my husband can FINALLY get on the testosterone that he needs to (he can't now as it'll kill what little sperm he has left)...and I can finally get back into the groove of losing weight and getting my body back.

Yes, we'd LOVE to have 2 children - that was always our "plan"...however, again, we are both at the point of "one and done"...for me, I don't care at this point - either sex will do...for him even though he's all about "one and done" he always adds "unless it's a girl - then we try for a boy" as he really wants a boy...lol - but honestly, even though he keeps saying that, I don't really think he cares even at this point.

BUT maybe - just maybe - losing our pregnancy is what we needed to do in order to push us to get this loan...this loan will #1 pay off our previous home equity loan (and the new loan has a much lower APR) as well as it will pay off our last two credit cards AND we'll have enough money to do our fresh IVF cycle! That is, assuming we get the amount we asked for.

Part of me is so excited and thrilled at all of this - we'll be paying off credit cards AND we will get the opportunity to get more embryos! I am absolutely looking forward to it...but some days I'm still just so angry and pissed. ugh. It's like with my friend...I WANT to be happy for her - I truly honestly do - but how can I be when I am not happy for myself? ya know?

All I think about - 24/7 (yes, even when I'm working...when I get up in the middle of the night, one of the first things I think about when I wake up in the morning...) is "wow, I don't have a baby". :(

empty void...i miss feeling joy.

ugh. I am so freakin' sick and tired of not being happy. I hate feeling like I'm just barely making it through the day. This shit sucks.

On the GOOD NEWS front, we have decided to absolutely 10000% do a new fresh cycle (retrieving eggs / fertilizing them) due to the fact that we don't have any more embryos left). The problem is - everything is and always will be 100% out of pocket...which we don't exactly have $12,000 to do another cycle. SO...we have applied for a home equity loan - because, it's NORMAL for people to do that in order to get pregnant, right?!!!!!!??

It WILL be good if we get the loan because well obviously it'll allow us to do another cycle (and hopefully bring home our child!)...but we should also have a little extra to pay off some credit card debt. :)

I also have another option I'm looking at, but I don't want to discuss that anywhere just yet. ;)

So I went to my follow up appointment the other day...and the GOOD news is that there WAS something wrong with the embryo. So while that does suck - it gives me hope. Hope because I CAN GET PREGNANT! and the fact that there was something wrong with the embryo itself tells me a lot.

#1 - my body did not "reject" the embryo - it implanted and therefore it IS possible for me to get pregnant. While I miscarried - it was because it was the embryo. Had there not been anything wrong WITH the embryo, I'd still be pregnant. My body CAN get pregnant.

#2 - it was a female/egg issue. Not uterine issue - not lining issue - not sperm issue. So because it was something with the egg itself and from what I understand is pretty rare for it to happen a second time...that gives me hope.

#3 - we (as in my doctor) knows what protocol to follow now. :D

Also - I absolutely LOVE my RE. Seriously! I can tell how much he cares about his patients and he WANTS to see us pregnant. He has never treated us like a number and he said he will even do what he can to help with our next cycle (such as have his nurse talk to drug reps about free samples for me!) And he's also helping with the other option I'm not going to discuss just yet...it's a long shot, but we're gonna try. ;)

But as for the post's name. I am so frickin' sick and tired of feeling sad. I hate this shit. So my close friend (who's  exactly as far along as I'm supposed to be) just announced her pregnancy on facebook. I knew it was bound to happen. I knew how too, as I'm on her pinterest page. But it still hurts to see it. That should be US. I wouldn't even mind for it to be us and them...but no. It's just them. That effing sucks. I WANT to be happy for them...I truly honest to god do...but I can't even be happy for myself for anything right now. :(
I'm just sad. Like 24/7 flippin' sad. :( I hate it. So much.

It really doesn't help that I feel SURROUNDED by pregnancies either...my friend and then our next door neighbor (we are extremely close to their backyard...our deck is high off the ground so we see over our 6 foot tall privacy fence right into their backyard)...and yesterday they had their "gender reveal party" and today - we're outside because it is beautiful out and we're doing some landscaping...and they're out having fun with friends. God I would love to have "fun"... :(

I KNOW it's going to work. I KNOW we WILL be successful. But damnit right here. Right now. It fucking sucks.