2012 - you SUCKED! Here's to 2013!!!!

This is a short post, I promise to write more about my last post later. :)

There were a few good things in 2012...but for the most part - our failed IVF cycle trumps everything.

So here's to 2013 Everyone!!!!

‎"You can either be bitter or you can choose to be better. It's only one letter difference but the choice is yours."

‎"You can either be bitter or you can choose to be better. It's only one letter difference but the choice is yours."

This is the quote on facebook tonight from 999 Reasons To Laugh at Infertility tonight.

I will explore this more in my next post, as I'm too tired to think right now. But this is something I need to remember.

sigh...Christmas.

First off - I hope everyone had an INCREDIBLE Christmas Holiday.

I do have to vent though. But before I do I will let everyone know my husband is A-MAZING! I actually still have a gift coming to me that he ordered off of Amazon and it should be here in a couple days...we'll see how long that takes, since we are in the smack dab middle of where a huge snow storm is supposed to happen tomorrow.

But he bought me the most absolute GORGEOUS sterling silver and pearl necklace and earrings from Jared. They are beautiful and I love them! :D

Now. This is in different font because I copied/pasted from a vent I did on my mommies board. :)

Christmas can be a VERY tough time for us infertiles. We all know it.

So for Christmas....we go to my DH's parents' house every year...my brother in law - who is 44 (and had his first when he was 17) - His wife (who is around 41 or 42) who has an 11 year old, also has a 22 year old and a 19 year old...

It was bad enough last year when her (then) 21 year old was there and pregnant...of course she was there with her 1 year old...but now her sister, the 19 year old was there AND FRICKIN' PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously? I honestly found myself hiding in the bathroom a few times throughout the night balling my eyes out. God did it suck.

Even my husband got ticked off when she (the pregnant 19 year old) WENT OUT TO SMOKE! I mean, SERIOUSLY?

Then today - LUCKILY, my DH's cousin's kid (who I've talked about before - I've said how I didn't want to go to the holidays this year if she was there) - well luckily she didn't show up (even though her mom and sister were there) - but my mother in law started to say something about her and the pregnancy...and I turned to my mother-in-law and just said "I have always been told if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...so before I say something I may regret, I don't want to talk about her and I am going to walk away" and I did. She got the hint.

ugh...will it ever get easier?

I am 33 and I swear I feel like it is never going to happen.

Having one of "those" nights...

Ugh. Christmas is 2-3 days away (depending on when you celebrate...). My husband's family opens gifts and celebrates on Christmas Eve.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to celebrate and super excited to give my husband his gifts...

But It's the 3rd year now where we've wanted a baby and still nada. nothing. no one. zilch, zip, zero...you get the picture.

It. Sucks. :(

All I want is a baby. So many AWESOME women - who I couldn't be happier for - that I've met online through this blog are either celebrating with a child or are about to become a mother.

Which is truly great - but when IS it going to be my our turn?

In the end, it will all work out, if it's not worked out, it's not the end...

In the end, it will all work out, if it's not worked out, it's not the end...

I learned of that quote from a friend here on blogger. It's a great quote and one I need to believe in.

So as you all know, our fresh cycle failed back in October/November...so we jumped back in and immediately started BCP in November for a December FET.

It was tentatively scheduled for this Wednesday...my awesome boss gave me wednesday, thursday and friday off...

I went in two days ago (CD13) to check my lining and it wasn't where the doc wanted it, so I went in this morning for another check...it's only 6.5 and they want it at 8. So he called and cancelled. :(

grr. That sucks - BUT he said to call at the start of my next cycle and that we will do a 'natural' cycle next month. No BCP, NO Lupron...only estrace/estrogen pills.

While my brain agrees that a natural cycle will be better AND I'd rather NOT take a chance at another BFN...I am disappointed. :(

boo.

BUT this just means my next cycle - I will NOT be on Loopy Lupron or BCP and will give my body the most natural chance.

Today's tragedy...

Well, unless you are living under a rock, you know what happened in Connecticut today. I don't think I even need to describe what happened because all of you know. As in "unimaginable" and "unfathomable".

I've been watching it and following as to what happened. I am beyond sickened that there really is this much evil in the world - sickened, yes. Shocked? Unfortunately no. Every single time another thing like this happens (and unfortunately it's all too often) - my mother and I talk about it and I always end with "You know this will happen again". And that absolutely disgusts me,but we know it's true. God how I wish it wasn't - but being a realist, it's what happens in this world. Evil exists and there is a special place in hell for the shooter and that special place just keeps getting filled up.

Not having any children of my own, I can't imagine the heartache and devastation that these parents now have to face.

I obviously want children or else this blog wouldn't exist...but sometimes I wonder "why? why would I want to bring a child into such an evil world?"

My heart is totally broken today for all of these families. The families of the children, adults and everyone who was involved.

Friends throughout IF...

So I am lucky? fortunate? happy? Not really sure what word to use...but I have a few friends IRL who have gone through Infertility and IVF so I can lean on them and they are very understanding of what I'm going through...

And I have some friends that are just very considerate and have let me have my space...and then there's one that won't even talk to me now.

So I was talking with a friend at work today - who knew everything that happened and we really haven't talked much in the past 3 weeks because - well - I've basically kept to myself and been ignoring EVERYONE. And she said she totally understood. She told me she's been wondering how I was but didn't want to bother me as I looked like I wanted to kill everyone - lol...

And she sits in the cubicle caddy corner to me so we're literally like 5 feet from each other. But I opened up a bit to her today (trying not to cry and failing miserably at it...) but I was telling her how much it sucks to have to give up all my vices (alcohol, caffeine) AND be on fertility drugs AND lose spend my 401k AND...yeah you get the drift. But I also told her of another friend who works with us (different department) who has completely ignored me.

Thing is - this other woman really doesn't understand infertility. She is "child-free" but she does have 2 step-children (one who's like 20/lives on his own and one who is 12/mainly lives with her mother)...but I know she really doesn't want children of her own and is happy with her situation - which of course, good for her. :)

And she and her husband I'd say are "good" friends of me and my husband...but about two weeks ago (a week after I got the BFN and was still not talking to anyone) she got pissed at me for absolutely NO reason at all.

I was very sick that day and in the bathroom for like 20 minutes with um..."stomach issues"...so I got back to my desk, sat down and honest to God did not even register she was behind me until it was too late.

I barely saw her when I was holding my stomach and said "ugh, I feel like crap". She turned and walked away and emailed me something along the lines of "wow, why have you been such a "B" to me lately?" I didn't get this email immediately because I had a meeting...when I got back and saw it, I went over to her desk but she had already left for the day.

So I texted her and said "wow, nice email! and in case you haven't hear, our IVF fucking failed and it's not just you I'm being a bitch to, IT'S EVERYONE". Yeah, she hasn't talked to me since. She said something along the lines of, "well, when you want to be nice again we can talk".

Are you FUCKING kidding me? I just lost spent my 401k for a FAILED IVF cycle and I'M the one being the bitch? I didn't even DO anything to her! Literally I didn't say or do anything mean to her, I just ignored EVERYONE and I would hope that everyone could understand why!

This other woman told me she totally got that which is why she hasn't talked to me or asked me how I've been because she said she could only imagine what I'm going through - which is also how most people have been, leaving me alone/letting me have my space.

I told her, too, I just don't need to deal with this other friend right now. It may be selfish to some, but I just need my space, ya know?

It does suck because I know my husband really likes them as our friends - and of course all he said about it was "oh you girls"...but I know he hasn't talked to either her nor him since either.

I'm sure we will one day - but seriously...don't feel special, I'm not being a bitch specifically to YOU, it's EVERYONE! haha.

Infertility and the media...

So tonight we were watching the Monday night comedies on CBS. How I Met Your Mother...The Big Bang Theory (I know it's on Thursdays now, but it was on tonight)...and 2 Broke Girls. I like it - it is funny - and I understand it is truly just a comedy...but tonight's episode pissed me off a little...

So for those of you who don't know the show, it is about two girls who are waitresses and have little to no money but want to start a cupcake business...

Tonight's show, one of them decided to sell her eggs - as in yes, her EGGS. :) Because it's an "easy" way of getting $20,000...

So they both go in and one of them isn't allowed to because she isn't Ivy League, but the other one (who didn't want to in the first place) IS allowed because she did graduate from an Ivy League school. So she just automatically decides right then and there "ok, fine I'll do it" - yeah like it's just that easy.

Of course, though, as they are taking her blood she backs out. But of course they also have to have witty conversation back and forth about why she doesn't want to do it...one of them being she didn't want to get rid of that "good egg" that would be a world-renowned pianist and be left with the one who is crazy and likes women's underwear...and earlier in the episode, when the thought was brought up at all, she said she didn't want to do it because she still wanted to be a mother one day - yeah like donating your eggs would keep you from being a mom later in life.

I dunno - it's just annoying because it is such a serious subject matter. I get that it's a sitcom - but it just puts egg donation in such a bad light.

It's the same thing, to me, as this post I keep seeing all over facebook:

I get that it's supposed to be a joke - and maybe 20 years ago I would have laughed...but seriously NOT funny! Adoption is SUCH a wonderful thing! People should NOT be ashamed of being adopted.

Now - granted...I remember when I was like 8, my cousin and my brother had me in TEARS because they convinced me I was adopted...and no - at 8 I obviously didn't understand anything and thought that was a horrible thing because I didn't know better.

But every time I see that, now, I want to scream.

It is just so beyond frustrating how the media portrays infertility in all forms.

Husbands just don't understand...

So the holidays are upon us, and I love Christmas. I do. It is my absolute favorite time of year. Always has been.

And - every year we are pretty well off as far as getting presents for each other and for our family. We do "a'ight" for ourselves. :)

And this year...yeah I want ONE thing for Christmas. Just one. And of course when I said that to my husband, he just looked broken and said "I know, and it's the only thing in the world I can't give you."
:(

God does that make me sad. And I DO NOT AT ALL IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM BLAME HIM! I know it's about 99% because of his body, I get that...but hey, we transferred two into mine and my body didn't implant them - so it is me too. :(

We have a good amount of money in savings...which COULD be used for gifts for each other and our family - but nope. We can't because we have to spend $1850 (on top of $12,000+) to try and get pregnant (again) when everyone else gets it for free.

:(

Ugh. Sorry if this is a downer post but I am just feeling like crap.

Two nights ago, I got that latest and greatest facebook announcement of a co-worker who's expecting and due in April. I started to complain and of course my husband was all "Just be happy for them". As I said in my previous post - it's not that I'm not happy for them, I'm just extremely sad for us.

He says he doesn't understand that.

He DID say however, he also doesn't understand how I'm getting through this without alcohol...he loves his beer and he said "Ya know...I thought about giving up my beer to support you, but then both of us would be miserable" lol - and that's true, I don't want him to give up the one vice he does have as it may make him unbearable! haha.

I just want to scream, sometimes though - "YOU try giving up caffeine, alcohol and having fertility drugs shot up into your system that mess with your emotions and hormones - then gaining God knows how much weight due TO those drugs AND dealing with a failed IVF cycle that cost us my 401k!"

Other than food, I have no other vices I can even turn to right now when I DO get all pissy that other people get for free what we have to pay thousands of dollars for ...

IF fucking sucks.

Sigh. Sorry guys, I'm just in a pissy mood.

It's not that I'm not happy for them...

I'm just extremely sad for us.

My husband just doesn't understand that. So I had ANOTHER co-worker's pregnancy announcement on FB tonight. :( sigh...

Believe me, I AM happy for them. But that doesn't mean that when I see these announcements that every emotion I feel about us NOT conceiving and being infertile doesn't rise to the service and make me want to curl up into a ball and cry. :(

It IF sucks.

2013 WILL BE OUR YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the good news is?...

So I got my results back on Friday from the RPL and the good news is..

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with me! :D


The bad news?...
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. :(

Sigh - I am happy that we don't have any hurdles, believe me, I am...but honestly it would make things SO much easier to accept had there been something wrong, you know?

So we are scheduled to do our FET in December. I SO hope and pray that we only have to use two of our four embies since they were SO strong at transfer/blast of our fresh cycle and can keep the other two frozen for future use. :)

Things just sucks so much right now.
GOOD news is that I don't have to worry about going to DH's family's place for thanksgiving this year! Which means I don't have to discuss our fertility with anyone nor do I have to worry about seeing his poster-child-for-white-trash cousin's kid, who is 18 and got herself knocked up this year...because she's a fucking white-trash idiot teenager who went around sleeping with whomever to get herself knocked up on purpose she's a ...no wait, that is exactly why. So that IS good news, that we don't have to go. :)
I'm afraid when I finally do see her (which is hopefully after her baby is born - as well as OUR baby is at least conceived...) I may punch her.

Bad news is...his brother is in the hospital (which he's always in/out, he is diabetic and does NOT take care of himself...) and his aunt is also in the hospital and it's not looking good.


GOOD news is that in this day and age, facebook and texting and cell phones keep people in touch so easily anymore! :)
Bad news is, my absolute best friend in the world is moving to Arizona today. We live in Indiana.
God I miss her already. :(


I AM thankful for all the good. Believe me, I am. I am BEYOND thankful that we have 4 frozen embies and we will be transferring two in December.

I am very thankful that I have an INCREDIBLE job! And honestly a very nice boss. :)
For those of you who remember, I went to Europe back in April...and I've had on my plate at work a presentation I have been working on putting together since then...and my end of year performance review is coming up. I haven't actually DONE that presentation yet and was scared it would be a huge mark on my review...well I spoke with my supervisor's boss (the one who approved me to go)...and I told him I will do it right now if I have to, because I don't want it to affect my review, but that right now I'm not in a good emotional place and told him our IVF failed...
He just said, "yes, I heard and I am very sorry for that. Don't worry about it, we can do it sometime next year, as I haven't even looked at it yet".

I am also extremely thankful for having one of the most incredible husbands on the face of this planet. I love him more than he could ever possibly know.

And, I am thankful for the following i have here on my blog.

W.T.F. - Blood work and FET :)

So we went in to talk to the doc yesterday for our "WTF" appointment or "why the fail" of course, I like "what the fuck" better, but you know. lol.

So first off - I know my husband felt TONS better after talking with our doc. Our doc actually seemed pissed and angry that our IVF didn't work. He couldn't understand it since our cycle was so "perfect" - beautiful and very STRONG embryos (the fact that we had 4 to freeze on day 5 is awesome).

SO he said - since we transferred 2 and neither took, he wanted to do some blood work - make sure there wasn't anything wrong or implantation issues...since neither took, he wanted a full blood workup on me that is normally only done after recurrent miscarriage. While I didn't technically have a miscarriage, since - as far as we know - the embryos didn't actually implant... - but I am very happy that he is being very pro-active and doing all these tests.

We also spoke about other factors...such as Insulin Resistance/PCOS. I have been on metformin now for close to 5 years...I was told by my GP that I have IR but I have NEVER been diagnosed with PCOS. I have "perfect" 28-29 day cycles, I ovulate every month (per my OPK's) on/around the 14th and have 3 day periods.

But after talking he also decided he wanted to do a GTT (glucose tolerance test) on me as well to see if I even needed to continue the metformin or not...

Here's the list of tests they will be doing on my (20! ack!) vials of blood they took today:
Lupus Anticoagulant
Antiphospolipid Outlay Serum
Factor IV Leiden
Factor II Gene
MTHFR

and the GTT

Of course you should always hope that tests come back negative but at the same time, it would almost put my mind at rest if something DID come back positive so we have SOMETHING to go off of why it didn't work. You know?

Plus - up til now, except for the Day 3 tests (FSH/AMH, etc) NO infertility tests have really been done on me - it's ALL been about my husband. While, again, I don't really WANT anything to be wrong, I know it would make my husband feel better that it's not 100% him either.

So. With all that said, aunt flo FINALLY reared her EXTREMELY ugly head yesterday (hours after we were at the doc's, of course, lol)...so I will call him back on Monday so we can figure out our FET calendar!!!!!

This time around, asides from here and my message boards online - I'm not telling NEARLY the amount of people in real life that I did our IVF that we're doing this this soon. The only people I plan on telling are:
One friend - who I met online and has a baby girl from our doctor (that sounds funny, lol) but we really only text or facebook each other for the most part anyways - we need to hang out more!...(you know who you are! :)
My best friend, who's :( sadly :( moving to Arizona in 2 weeks.
And of course my supervisor, who has to know what's going on...

But we are hoping to do our FET around December 18 or so - depending on my body and cycle.

I will get the test results Monday! :)

unbabyme

ok, so the chrome extension for facebook called "unbabyme"isn't perfect, but it does help right now. lol.

even those of friends who's babies I don't mind seeing - I will go over to their page to see the baby, when I feel like it, otherwise, kittens and puppies are better. :p

This just seriously SUCKS!

Seriously sucks. Although I do have to say I have one INCREDIBLE man who is my husband.

DH - who is NOT an emotional guy what.so.ever. stopped by home yesterday...came in and just hugged me for like 5 minutes...barely any words other than letting me literally cry on his shoulder while he hugged me. He had to get back to work, and I knew that...but just little things like that make me know how truly awesome he is...

He took me out for dinner last night and I had two top shelf long island ice teas...and a nice juicy steak. Then I came home and took a hot long bath with a glass of wine. :)

But last night at dinner I just kept saying over and over and over again how much this sucks and he agreed...I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "You know I'm not emotional...but I think you have enough tears for the both of us right now".

This is hurting him just as much as it hurts me.

This just seriously sucks. I even tried being the "strong" one in telling him things could be much worse and to look at the bright side - to which his response was "there is no bright side"...that's not like him. :(

But I do know the following:
1. We HAD the means to even do this in the first place. I have a friend who had to have a full hysterectomy done after 10 YEARS of trying (and never was able to go as far as IVF, as far as I know) - but now her only option is adoption...

2. We HAVE our snowbabies. And we have FOUR of them! I know of a girl who went to our same doc and NONE of her embryos even made it to blast, so none to transfer, and none to freeze.

3. While having to pay even more $$ to do our FET's...the FET's are MUCH cheaper (only $1850 compared to $12,000) and we HAVE the means to do two FET's (which I hope and pray we only need to do 1, of course. :)

4. Yeah that's about it. Otherwise this sucks. this sucks big frickin' ugly donkey balls.

I am home today because I also have an AMAZING supervisor...I went over to her desk yesterday in TEARS because I got the call before I had left. I was hoping to be able to leave work before the doc called, but that didn't happen. But she said I could take today off and that another co-worker will cover for me. I may work from home tomorrow though.

God this fucking sucks. :(

results. :(

Well, at least we have 4 frozen embies waiting for us...we go in Friday to discuss our FET.


ETA - just found this on FB from the "it gets better" page...obviously not about infertility - but right now I'm saying it is. :)

Today's Horoscope. :)

Ok, so I had to search a couple of horoscope websites til I found the one under my sign that I like...hehe. :) (yes, I know there's no real faith in horoscopes, but I wanted some fun...)

So the one I found and liked is from latimes.com

How strong is the feeling of trepidation you're experiencing right now? Hopefully, the answer is 'very strong'. You're not feeling what you're feeling because you believe it to be the result of a mistake. What you're feeling is uncertainty and insecurity that comes with change. For some time, a situation has been in need of changing. It is changing now and is necessary and very positive. 

http://www.latimes.com/features/horoscopes/

I mean seriously - how AWESOME is that las line?!!!!

Beta day T minus 24 hours and counting!!

Seriously?????

Seriously. I hate Facebook right now. A 19 year old who I know...take a WILD guess at what she posted today????

I mean seriously? She wasn't even BORN until AFTER I started puberty!

Don't get me wrong, she is a nice girl and I honestly wish her a happy and healthy 9 months but OH MY FRICKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry it is just so hard not to be bitter when 19 year olds get pregnant and don't have to spend $12,000 just to even TRY.

Completely going INSANE!!!!!!!

Can I just say - this two week wait SUCKS FRICKIN' ASSSSSS!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!

I am ONLY at 7dp5dt and have SEVEN MORE DAYS TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next week!

And I can not POAS as I promised the hubs I wouldn't.

THIS SUCKS! I soooooooo just want to know? Am I pregnant or am I not? I keep praying so hard that I am, but I feel nada in terms of symptoms, which when I google, that's a good thing - but I just want to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liebster Blog Award!

YAY I was nominated for an award! :) Since I'm not 100% sure how to do this, I will copy the information from the blog that nominated me. :) - April over at http://aprilinva-ivf.blogspot.com

What is a Liebster Blog Award?
The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. 

Here's how this Liebster nomination works… The person who nominated me asks 11 questions that I have to answer and then I nominate 11 others to continue this awards show!

I like being nominated for awards because it means people read my blog! yay!!! :D
Here are the 11 questions I am to answer:

• When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you?

That I have lived a beautiful fun life, having achieved everything I wanted. Also that I lived an awesome life with my husband and our children. And - last but not least, that my descendants know all of their ancestors (I love my genealogy!)

• What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Hmmm, I have a lot...the one that comes to my mind right now is people who chew very strong mint gum. It is just SO gross to be around someone who has minty breathe!

• When was the last time you tried something new?

Haha does IVF count? That was definitely new! :)

• Which activities make you lose track of time?

Working? Seriously, some times when I'm working on work-stuff and am REALLY into it, hours have truly passed before I realize what time it is.

• If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

Hmmm I came back to this question because I don't know how to answer it! I love scrapbooking, but I haven't done it in a long while...genealogy maybe?

• Where would you most like to go and why?

Well, I have been to Switzerland, England and France. I've been to 30 of the 50 states...but I'd STILL love to go to Ireland. My paternal genealogy starts in Ireland. 

• Who is the strongest person you know?

A friend of mine who well, I won't say exactly what happened to her...but because of a brutal attack about 10 years ago is now in a wheelchair. She has many bad days where she is in pain, but she is an AWESOME woman who is an advocate for Independent Living of other-able-bodied people. 

• What is your happiest memory?

My happiest memory ever is probably our wedding. We had the most fabulous wedding. It was awesome.

• What is your favorite smell?

I can never choose...I love the smell of Cedar wood, but also of Lilacs.

• If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Cerulean Blue. Just because I love the word "cerulean".

• What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Cleaning the bathroom.

So here are my nominees:
Waiting For My Baby 2012

Baby Making Merry go round

Mrs. Sneakers

No All Dreams Are Free

Life Is One Giant Journey

Believing In June

Follow Every Rainbow

A Blanket 2 Keep

Julies Junk Drawer

Ok, so that's only 9...oh well. :)

And here are my questions!
1. What are your favorite books of all time? (I won't ask for just ONE because I sure don't have just one! haha)

2. What are your favorite TV shows of all time?

3. If you could have a "wild animal" as a domesticated pet - what would it be?

4. If you won the lottery - asides from the normal "pay off mortgage, student loans, etc..." what is the most NON-responsible material item would you buy?

5. If you had the money, right now, what room in your house would you give a total makeover to?

6. What profession did you want to be when you were a child?

7. What is your earliest childhood memory?

8. Mac or Windows?

9. What is your favorite holiday?

10. Beach or Mountains?

11. If you could spend the day with one celebrity of your choice, who would it be? (past or present)

Thanks!!

Over-Analyzing EVERYTHING!

Ok, so my doc said not to over-exert myself...so instead I am over-analyzing everything I'm doing! haha!

For example...he didn't specifically SAY no exercise - but I know you probably shouldn't...however today I HAD to get out of the house - couldn't sit on the couch for another full Saturday...

So a friend of mine invited me to go antiquing...and the store was 72,000 square feet!!!!

So we VERY SLOWLY walked around the store for a little over THREE hours!

Of course I came home and googled if it's healthy or not and "Dr. Google" has some people saying absolutely ZERO exercise of ANY kind during the 2ww and others are saying they were at the gym doing things as normal! I also read a few sites that mentioned they think it's healthy to walk to get blood pumping to the uterus. :D

I'm SO hoping that last one is true!

What are all of your thoughts on this? My legs were tired, but I NEVER got my heart rate up (I mean very slow walking/stopping to look at everything) but, yes, it was a little over 3 hours...

sigh. I just want my BFP already!

Now, and I don't know if this will help or not - but I LOVE walking normally...now I haven't actually walked or worked-out since August - but during the summer I was RUNNING as well as walking (and I'm talking 3-4 miles at a time/3-4 times a week).

Babies in my belly...

So I know I'm only 1day past 5day transfer...but can I tell you - I have been amazed ALL FRICKIN' DAY that I actually have two embryos in my uterus right now.

Seriously as simple as that! Yes, I do know the possibility of it not taking - but I can't think that way. I need to believe that I AM truly Pregnant (until proven otherwise, and hopefully NOT proven otherwise).

I have been talking to my little embies allllllll day long. Telling them how much I already love them and how awesome they will be to make our family whole.

I have also been praying allllllll day long to God to please let me make my husband a daddy. I think, even more because DH is the one with the issues - because of that I just want this for him that much more.

My husband will seriously make one incredible father.

I am just seriously in awe that I actually have TWO em-babies in my uterus right now. Are they two girls? Two boys? One girl, one boy? I don't know. All I know is that I am in love with them right now.

I'm afraid of getting too attached...but again, I need to think positively. I need to believe this IS going to work. That in 9 months - sometime in July of 2013 - we will welcome our baby(ies) into this world.

I know a lot of infertiles are scared to write about this stuff so early in the IVF process...but I just have this wonderful incredible feeling that this IS it!

For so long I had NO idea. NO clue one way or the other...but now that they are in there... I just KNOW that our baby is in my belly. I just know it.

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ok, now for the questions of the last couple of days:

October 19: What is your favorite quote?
Don't let the time it takes to do something keep you from doing it. Time will pass regardless. It's what you do with that passing time that matters!

October 20: Tell us a little something about your grandmother.
My maternal grandmother had no middle name.
My paternal grandmother graduated college with her oldest son, when he was in his 20's!

October 21: Are you satisfied with your sex life? Would you like more, less, or is it just right?
Haha right now, there is no "sex life" because of the IVF...it will be so nice when we are cleared to go again! :D

October 22. Favorite sexual position?
wow. this is a bit personal. lol. hmmm I'd say missionary just because sometimes I get lazy and like being on bottom! haha!

October 23: What are you most envious of?
Two things - usually women who are skinnier than me and, of course, women who have babies.

I am officially "PUPO"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So transfer went awesome! But the MOST awesome thing today? Of the 7 embies...2 were transferred, 1 had to be discarded :( BUT FOUR WERE FROZEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just in amazement right now that I am #1 PUPO with TWINS and #2 we have FOUR snow-babies!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how I'm going to make it the next two weeks, but my beta is on Nov 5.

I am just so happy right now!

Tomorrow...in just around 12 hours...

I will be "PUPO". That. is. freaking...AWESOME! I am nervous though. I'm TERRIFIED that we won't have any embies to freeze...but I'm SO hoping and praying that all of them make it!

I am just sooo I dunno - so many things going on in my head now.
I'm excited yet terrified yet excited.

more tomorrow.

Sunday Morning Funny. :)

How do you like your eggs?

Fertilized, please!

So of the NINE that were retrieved yesterday...SEVEN were fertilized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I am so frickin' happy right now, I can't even begin to describe! Just the fact that HIS sperm and MY eggs CAN fertilize together!!!!!!

That seriously amazes me!!!

So we are shooting for a 5 day transfer (hopefully) on Monday. They are going to call Saturday to let me know how they are growing and there's always a possibility of going in on Saturday to do the transfer - but it looks like Monday is the day!!!!!!!!!!!

Woohoo!!
ok, so back to the writing prompts...

October 16: A little TMI? Share something you never thought you would ever post on the internet.
Hmm...

October 17: How would you describe your personal style?
Fashion style? easy/contemporary/comfy - I love JC Penny and Kohls :D

October 18: Make an acrostic of your first name (or pseudonym) using each letter to describe yourself.
L - Laid back
I -  Imaginative
L - Loving
L - Loyal
Y - Youthful

OMG less than 36 hours until...

My retrieval!!!! We did the HCG shot tonight at 7:30 and retrieval is at 7:30 on Wednesday morning!!!!!!!!!!

wooohoo!!!!!!

Now, onto the October writing prompts.

October 15: If you could go back in time, what decade would you choose to live in?

If we are talking, fashion and music...(not politics, because face it - NO decade's politics were good! haha)

Honestly I'm such an "old soul" and I LOVE 1940's music and fashion!!!! I could listen (oh and I do...) to Sinatra and Deano and Louis Armstrong and Billy Holiday!

Yup. that's all. :D

Late in the game - October Writing Prompts!

So I just came across this blog from Chasing the Stork:
October Writing Prompts

Here's the link to the actual Writing Prompts:

October Writing Prompts

And I love this idea! So I am late in the game, but I will try to do a quick catch-up. :) October 1 - 13 will be quick answers.

October 1: What is your astrological sign and do you feel it’s accurate?

Virgo - and yes. I am an absolute perfectionist and always have been!

October 2: How did you husband/spouse/partner propose?

He proposed while we were camping the night before we went to Cedar Point for the first time! He wanted to do it on the Millennium Force, but was afraid to lose the ring.

October 3: What is your most embarrassing moment?

Hmm...the only thing that comes to mind was when I was in elementary school and we were on a field trip...I remember falling off a wagon into a giant puddle of mud!

October 4: Post a video blog (vlog?) of the following (feel free to get your hubs in on this one):

Sorry, don't want to post a video of myself, this is an anonymous blog, still. :)

And answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house? T-P'ng
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball? Rolly-Polly
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called? POP
What do you call gym shoes? Depends, sometimes they are gym shoes, sometimes sneakers.
What do you say to address a group of people? Hey all!
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs? Daddy Long-Legs(?)
What do you call your grandparents? Grandma and Grandpa
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket? Grocery Cart
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining? I didn't know there were words for this one...
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel? Remote Control

October 5: What is your favorite book?

Oh I have SO many! I'm an avid reader, but probably one of my faves of all time is The Stand by Stephen King.

October 6: Who is you current favorite band?

Maroon 5!

October 7: If you could sleep with any celebrity who would it be?

Hugh Jackman!!!

October 8: If you could have any job in the whole wide world regardless of your qualifications, what would you choose and why?

I honestly don't know the answer to this one! Although I love photoshop (and scrapbooking) and graphics...maybe something doing that!

October 9: If given the choice, how would you choose to die?

Quick and painlessly, doing something I love.

October 10: What is your biggest fear?

Right now, it is never becoming a mother...but I'm also terrified of the dark and of drowning.

October 11: If you could change one thing about your personal appearance, what would it be and why?

How round my face is. It's seriously like a frickin' circle.

October 12: If you could change on thing about your personality, what would it be and why.

I do wish I was more outgoing and able to speak in front of people...

October 13: What is the one thing you like best about yourself?

My dedication to my work.

October 14: What is the greatest compliment you ever received?

At my 10 year HS reunion, a girl who, during HS, was one of the "popular" ones (and I was a band/choir/theatre nerd...) told me I looked GREAT!

October 15: If you could go back in time, what decade would you choose to live in?
October 16: A little TMI? Share something you never thought you would ever post on the internet.
October 17: How would you describe your personal style?
October 18: Make an acrostic of your first name (or pseudonym) using each letter to describe yourself.
October 19: What is your favorite quote?
October 20: Tell us a little something about your grandmother.
October 21: Are you satisfied with your sex life? Would you like more, less, or is it just right?
October 22. Favorite sexual position?
October 23: What are you most envious of?
October 24: What are you thankful/grateful for today?
October 25: Post a picture of what you look like first thing in the morning side by side with a picture of you ready to start your day.
October 26: What is your favorite activity to do by yourself?
October 27: Girl or Boy? Given a choice, which would you choose as the sex of your first child?
October 28: What is the meaning of life?
October 29: Define what you consider cheating. Where do you draw that line?
October 30: Find someone and tell them just how much they mean to you. It can be your spouse, a friend, your mom, a stranger, whoever. Just call tell/text/call/email them right now and tell them what they mean to you.

October 31: Post a picture of your Halloween costume. If you didn’t dress up, post a picture of how you spent the evening instead.