I really wish I could get into the holiday spirit...WARNING - this is a VERY SELFISH post...

I am trying to. I don't WANT to be all selfish. But it is really hard. :( ALL I have been thinking about, I swear 24/7 is how we don't have a baby. It's the ONLY thing I want. Yes there are material things that would be nice to have...but I honestly would give every.single.material good away just to have a baby. ;(

It's also frustrating because last year (while my husband's gifts to me were AWESOME! Christmas at his family's house sucked. It just did. Of course I had to deal with the 19 year old pregnant/smoking chick...but not only that, we bought so much for everyone and I barely got shit.

Again, I know I SHOULDN'T be selfish. I get that - but it's so hard not to be.

We have 7 people in his family to buy for. Those 7 only have the two of us. And, of course, him being their family he gets more than me. We have already spent a few hundred dollars on them. I'll be lucky to get a $25 or (hopefully) $50 gift card somewhere.

and - honestly? I wouldn't care and would spend THOUSANDS on them if it meant I could get the ONE thing I want.

I know it's not about the $$ - it's really not. I just want a baby. I want a baby to buy presents for at Christmas. I want a baby to wake up on Christmas morning and unwrap the presents we buy him/her. I want a baby who's eyes light up on Christmas morning.

It's all I want. I would give up everything for that.

So I can understand how people become alcoholics...

Ok, so before anyone jumps all over me for the title of that post...(yes, I totally get that alcoholism is a true disease/disorder)...but honestly I CAN understand it...I can understand the depression one can sink into and how comforting a glass or two (or a bottle or two) of wine can be...but this post isn't about that - so please, again, don't jump all over me...I'm just saying that wine is helping me through Christmas.

Why? Well - if anyone remembers my post from last year about how AWESOME Christmas Eve was...having to spend it with a 19 year old drinking (well, Mountain dew, which to me is almost worst...) SMOKING (yes, actually SMOKING while 8 months along...) pregnant chick was...this year not only do I get the "pleasure" of being there with her and her baby - her ex-meth-head sister (who's only 22) and HER baby...but YAY!!!! My husband's nephew knocked up his new girlfriend he's only been with maybe 6 months now!!!!!!!!!! Aren't I just the LUCKIEST infertile in the world???!!!!!!!

fuck.

You know, I LOVE Christmas. I love EVERYTHING about Christmas. I always have. While I hate the cold (Ok, I don't love everything...lol) but I even love white Christmas's and the lights, and the trees, and Christmas music and the festivities and presents and you name it, I love it. But honestly - this year - it will come and go and I will still be a childless woman.

All I want to do is cry. and drink.

God this is going to suck.

It's been a few months... :)

I'm still here. We're still trying. We're still hoping, praying, trying, crying, loving, etc...etc...

We're not currently undergoing any actual fertility treatments...mainly because the doc is trying to "up" hubby's counts. So hubby has been on Noveral shots - every other day - for the past two and a half months and will be for another month or so...I also convinced him to start taking Fertilaid and Countboost for men. He's been taking those for about a month now and if nothing else, he says that he feels a lot better!

We're REALLY hoping all of this will up his low counts so we can at least try to do an IUI before we use our last two tot-cicles. :)

So I have to admit here - and PLEASE don't anyone judge...but a friend of mine from college...she and her wife are pregnant with boy/girl twins. I am VERY happy for them because of course they have what you would call "situational fertility" being lesbians. However, part of me gets so jealous when I see her post about her and her wive's babies (they aren't born yet, so it's all ultrasounds, etc...). I truly am VERY happy for her as she (my friend from college) has had a some-what hard life and she deserves so much happiness! But...it's so hard not to think "wow, lesbians can get pregnant and WE can't???" :(

It sucks. A friend of mine I met online through Justmommies - who only lives one state over from me - who came to my birthday party in August...she and I have had very similar IF stories - fresh failed cycle + frozen failed cycle...had her third frozen cycle two weeks ago...she only had one frozen emby to transfer - but I prayed SO hard for her...and...nothing. :( My heart absolutely breaks for her. Granted, they will try again, but I wanted it to work for them SO badly!!

My husband has been letting me cry a bit more about IF here and there. I know he doesn't really like it when I "dwell" on it...but I think he gets that I need to "get it out" sometimes. Like last night I just started crying out of the blue and he doesn't tell me to shut up about it, he just lets me get it out. I know it hurts him too.

Last month I found out a co-worker was going on maternity leave and I didn't even realize she had been pregnant (granted, I work from home 2-3 days a week and we have like 75 people in our department...) but I came home crying about that and he didn't really understand why it upsets me so much EVERY time this happens...then the next day, he came home and apologized and said "yeah, now I get it...today my boss's daughter had her baby and that's all they talked about. I'm sorry. I understand now." So that of course makes me happy makes me...I'm not sure how to explain it, but I am happy that he understands. I'm NOT happy that he's just as sad - but I'm happy that he understands.

He did say to me though - about 2 weeks ago? "This will be our last Christmas without a baby." He said it so matter of factly. God I hope he's right!

I HAVE ENDOMETRIOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES. those are "!!!!" exclamation points - as in YAY!!!!!!!!!!! Not "yay" that I have it because I want it - far from...but "YAY!!!!!!!!!" that I have found out what's wrong. WHY we have been through three years of infertility and two failed IVF's.

So I finally had my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy today...and - drumroll please......I HAVE ENDO!

Yes, of course that sucks - BUT again, I'm SO relieved that they FOUND something! We have a REASON as to WHY I haven't been able to get pregnant! Instead of them coming back and saying "sorry there's no reason, it's just your bad luck". Nope. He found some on the left side and left ovary. I'm not sure the extent of it, as I was passed out still when he came in to talk to me. But he talked to my husband who relayed this all to me.

So they cleaned it up and it is "gone" (for now, of course...) Our next appt with the doc is in two weeks on July 10 - we will discuss then our last two totcicles.

I just can not tell you all how absolutely relieved I am to have SOMETHING to grasp on to and say "yes. THIS is the reason why you haven't gotten pregnant and WHY two IVF's failed."

more to come. :)

Limbo...

So I haven't posted in a while...mainly because there's been NOTHING to post about...

So after the 2nd failed IVF and loss of two more "beautiful" embryos - we decided to go through with a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to see whether or not I have endo. Yay!

I'm actually very excited about this only because - after 3 years and 3 months of TTC and 2 failed IVF's - I'm to the point where I seriously WANT something to be "wrong"...instead of being told "it's just bad luck"...

The first time we did the IVF I told everyone about it and went back to work the next day...went about my business ya know...felt NOTHING (no cramps, etc) - and I ate whatever I felt like (aka not eating healthy) and nothing.

The second time I told barely ANYONE (literally a handful of people who need to be in the know) and took the week off of work and sat around doing NOTHING for a week - my own self-prescribed "bed rest"- felt twinges and cramps - ate extremely healthy -  and - again - NOTHING.

So as far as possibly having endo goes - I have no clue. I really don't have any symptoms - and before we did the IVF cycles I've always had extremely normal 28-30 day cycles...however I have always had spotting during my periods. But as far as pain goes - really the most pain I've had is bad cramps the first day of my period, that I've always chalked up to "normal".

However in saying that - when I was younger, in high school and college, before I started BCP. I used to have debilitating cramps that kept me home from school/work...

Plus my mother had it so bad she opted for a hysterectomy when she was only 39 years old.

I know that there are women out there who have endo - even if it's just small/stage 1 without knowing or having ANY symptoms...so while no one ever "wishes" to be sick but at this point, I honestly am hoping I DO have SOME sort of endo because it would give me a lot of answers as to "why".

Now I was supposed to have this done last week - however, the morning of my surgery, my nurse called to tell me the doc had thrown his back out! ack! so I have to wait til next month to have it done. I was disappointed to not have gotten it done last week - but maybe next month is better.

Not sure when we will try another FET - obviously we need to find out results from the lap and hysteroscopy first...plus we MAY only transfer one next time and keep the other one for one more try - split em up...I just don't know.

So that is just a small update from me - not a lot going on...

Also - there is an AWESOME blog I follow and I just wanted to give a shout out to her book, which I got on my kindle last week and started reading about 2 days ago (and can't put down!) But if you guys haven't read her blog, you must. She is an amazing IF survivor and has the most beautiful adopted daughter

Her blog - Single Infertile Female.
Her book - Single Infertile Female - Adventures in Love, Life and Infertility


Later!!

Lilly

I seriously feel like such a failure...

So I know I haven't written in a while and I was SO hoping to have good news...we went all "ninja-stealth" with our current FET really only telling a few people...well today was beta and...

...

...

abso-frickin-lutely-NOTHING.

I seriously have never felt like such a failure in my entire life. I just want to know - WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

My husband and I are good people. We take care of ourselves...we have good jobs - never ask for handouts - we work hard for what we have - we are in a loving committed marriage - we own our own home - we do EVERYTHING for ourselves...but apparently it doesn't matter.

My sister-in-law's 22 year old druggie daughter can have a baby as can her 19 year old - barely has a job and I'm sure her 27 year old boyfriend will leave her soon - can have one too...

But me? The one WITH the job, WITH the marriage, WITH the house, WITH the will and desire to be responsible. NOPE. a big FUCK YOU from the universe.

I just want to know what the hell I did so wrong in my life to deserve this? I work 40-50 hours a week, DAMN HARD at my job to make others happy...I pay our bills (usually) on time but they always get paid...

I've given up caffeine, pop, artificial EVERYTHING - sweeteners, colors, you name it...I don't eat ANY junk food. I exercise. I treat my body EXTREMELY healthy....

but nope - nothing - nada - but a big "FUCK YOU" from the universe.

I am thankful we have 2 more frozen embies left...but that's 2. out of 6.

Seriously - should I STOP exercising? STOP eating healthy? STOP caring about my job and being responsible? It seems like the only way to get a baby nowadays...

I'm still here...

I'm still here and still not close to being pregnant...sigh.

Not really a lot to write about. As you may remember, the FET cycle in December was a bust. That was December 15...that day the doc told me to stop all meds. I did and aunt flow didn't show up for 51 days!!!!!!!!! For this 28 day girl...yeah. just beyond weird...

So she finally showed up and now I'm on CD27 waiting for her to show up again. Hopefully she does soon because I wanna get our FET rollin! :)

The doc did say he wants to do our FET cycle "au natural" meaning NO BCP's and NO Lupron.

I believe I'll be on estrogen and progesterone though.
I am not joking, 4 months after taking the progesterone shots (PIO) I STILL feel it in my ass.

So DH and I have gone back and the gym and we started eating healthy again, as of the first of January - and after 5 weeks of hitting the gym 5-6 times PER week...running - spinning - swimming - weights...at least 1 hour to an hour and a half a day? drum roll please?

I've lost NOTHING. This is something else that is irritating the hell out of me. It absolutely HAS to be all the freakin' fertility meds I've injected into my body over the last few months.

I know my body. While I gain weight easily, I also lose it easily. In the past whenever I've gone strict on my diet and exercise I EASILY lose 2-3 pounds per WEEK. in 5 weeks I should at LEAST be down 10 pounds. but NOTHING.

So not only do I get to be infertile, I get to be fat too. YAY!

ugh.

If our FET (god-forbid) doesn't work, I'm having him check my thyroid and seeing what he can do to help me lose weight because this fucking sucks.