I can’t believe it’s been 6 months since I’ve updated! We now have 2 almost 22 month olds and a 6 and a half year old! Life is always interesting. I am acutely aware of how fast it’s moving. It scares me. I remember with my son I couldn’t wait until he was talking, walking, conversing, potty trained, going to school, etc. With the twins, I don’t want to rush any of it. It’s bittersweet because I realize we could do more things more easily, especially if they were potty trained, but honestly, what’s the rush?

I ended up resigning from my job last Friday. It was either come in to the office full time again, no part time, or quit. I chose to quit. Honestly, my organization didn’t suspect I’d quit at all. They were surprised. I always knew I’d have to make this decision for our family if they gave me the ultimatum to come back in the office. How can I leave my kids with daycare? No offense to anyone who uses daycare, because I know it’s a necessity, but honestly, I’d be working just for Daycare! And paying strangers to be with my children! I can’t, I just can’t. After all we’ve been through…

Luckily my husband got a new job and raise, which will help a lot. Still though, I am determined to find the right job for me where I can work from home mostly. I do enjoy using my skills whenever I can. Keeps me in the loop and up to date. I applied to another gov job that only requires going into the office 1 day a week and then the rest telecommute. What a dream it would be! I’m being considered for it, as far as I can tell, but I have no idea when I’ll hear, either way. Maybe I’ll get the summer off and then start up when my son goes back to school. I can dream!

The babes are 1! Yesterday was their first birthday and it just felt so surreal. Where has all the time gone? Yes, I’ve aged a whole lot since that amazing day they came into our lives (I turned 40 last month, but I feel at least 5 years older!) , and I have tons of anxiety to show for it, but yesterday commerated a wonderful milestone in our lives: we survived!

About 2 weeks ago we took them to see my RE for a photo opp. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long but either it was impossible because they were so little or I just would chicken out and say, eh, it’s not worth it. But one night I mentioned it to my husband, how I regretted that we didn’t get a pic with her for the babes. He was all about it and set it up right away! He said it was important to him to. So we went one day and my RE was just so lovely. I’m sure she does this all the time, and maybe, too it’s a happy respite from the other things that go on there. I was so honored that she could take the 15 minutes out of her busy day to see us. I got to officially tell her thanks and give her a hug. I’m sure she has hundreds (thousands?) of patients and we are old news by now, but it was just something I needed to do.

It was like I could finally a close chapter on the whole infertity part of my life. Not that I’ll ever forget it or stop thinking “what if?”, but I’m at peace now. A luxury, I know, for so many who are still in the fight. I’ve evolved into a mom of three after being that woman whom everyone always asked, “so do you want to have any more kids?”

My older son has evolved too. He’s taken on a new understanding of what it means to be a big bro. He’s so loving and caring with his little sis and brother. It melts your heart! The babes have taken on their own distinct personalities, which is so amazing to see. It’s incredible how a year can change us.

And now I look forward to the upcoming years with less hurry. These years they’ll learn how to talk and walk (fast approaching). They’ll start laughing and dancing and playing around; they’ll have opinions and tantrums and start being picky eaters; they’ll have favorite shows and characters and stuffed animals; and most of all they’ll learn to reciprocate the love their brother, and mommy and papà, have for them. I say bring it all on! We fought hard on this journey to have these little babes (that’s what I call them, never “the twins”) and I’m going to appreciate and enjoy it. I take it all as it comes with three beautiful children, the good, the bad, the ugly, because this is my life and I blessed and lucky to have it.

So it’s been an extremely stressful winter!  Sick babies, sick big boy, sick adults!  This will probably go down as the worst winter ever in my life! (I am prone to hyperbole, by the way).  But yeah, I’m still trying to emerge from the stress and anxiety of it all. I’m afraid I’ve turned my 5 year old into an an anxious kid. I suppose with all the change that has happened in his life since the babies have been born, and seeing us, his parents more frazzled and stressed than ever, while giving him less attention, it was almost inevitable that he’d feel it too. Add in two cases of the croup and a non-flu (non-confirmed) virus, (which scared the living daylight out of me) and you got a sweet, gentle boy who now worries about whether or not every little cough will turn into something that’ll bring him to the hospital.

I feel so scared still of all of the stuff that has gone on. Whenever my husband goes away for business overnight and I’m home with the kids (my mother-in-law does stay the night, but honestly, she makes me more stressed!) I feel it!  Every cough, every sneeze I hear over the monitors turns my stomach into knots!  I’m trying to consciously change my behavior, so that my poor son doesn’t see it and worry himself too. I need to undo what I did to him. I honestly feel like repeating Pre-K is also something that is contributing to his boredom, which in turns leads to more time to think about things. He’s a very bright kid (although we still wanted him to repeat because it is better in the long run for a late September baby) but he’s not being challenged and he says he’s done it all before. So that, paired with extra anxiety at home and just being stuck in the house most of the time because of the weather–and oh, yeah, because mommy is deathly afraid of taking 3 kids anywhere–turns him into an angry, bored kid most of the time.

So is there anyone out there who can tell me that this is all normal and that it’ll get better? A part of me knows it’s not forever, but then the other part of me worries so much that I’ve changed the trajectory of my son’s life. I’ve made him into someone who will now worry about EVERYTHING!  Is this normal 5-year-old behavior? Can I undo it before it turns into something bigger?  These are my worries nowadays. I worry about the twins too. Are they developing on track?  I feel like month 6-7 has been a bit of a plateau in terms of developmental strides. They are sitting up (my son is more steady than my daughter), but not crawling and they still are cranky a lot of the time. They still need about 2 and a half naps throughout the day and they’re still addicted to those DAMN PACIFIERS!

I know, I know, I should just take it one day at a time. That’s part of the reason why I’m writing this. I need to have a record of how I feel now so that one day (SOON?!) I can look back and see that things really do get better and change and great developmental strides (in all the kids!) are being made.

Ok, so let’s see. I hope that by the time the weather gets better and we’re able to do more that things just feel must less stressed. I know I will always worry about something, but I just hope I can take it on and not let it engulf me like it has for the past 4 months!

I’ve been trying to write this post for a long time. Everything is great. The babies are doing great–just a week shy of being 6 months old–my oldest son is great, and growing like crazy right before my eyes! My husband and I have our occasional misunderstandings due to being SO.DAMN.TIRED. but we’re surviving. The only thing is…I’m so scared. I’m scared of it all falling apart. I’m scared of life and what I learned life is. Life is hard! Life is going through 3 years of infertility. Life is finding out your father has cancer and seeing him be so tired and weak and both your mother and father being depressed and hoping and praying for a miracle for him that everything will be like it used to be. Life is being so grateful for what you have and what you’ve been given, but then just being so scared that something bad is going to happen.

I know a lot of people must be thinking, “Girl, get a hold of yourself! You got what you wanted, now just shut up!” And I get it. I should just enjoy what I have and not worry or stress. But I can’t help it. I feel like it’s some form of PTSD or something, where I can’t really be happy because I know that life isn’t perfect. How do I deal with this? How can I just enjoy the moment and not be scared all the time that something bad is going to happen?

I feel like I was ok after the babies were born. I was managing pretty well. It was hard, and thank God I had a lot of help from my mother! But then in November, my husband got the flu (or at least what they call “influenza-like illness”) which then led to pneumonia and a 3 day hospital stay. That time was very scary for me. His uncle took him to the ER on a Wednesday night, and I was left alone with 3 kids in the late evening. I thought he’d be home maybe early the next morning. But he wasn’t. They had to keep him there due to the pneumonia. I was so scared for him and for myself. What if something happens to him? What if something happens to me? Who will take care of my 3 babies? I think this is the episode that really triggered my new found fears. The babies were just 4 months old. My oldest son still wanted my individual attention whenever possible and I felt so guilty that I couldn’t deliver. It was a stressful time to say the least. It just opened up so many scary thoughts and scenarios in my overactive mind. I obviously still haven’t gotten over it. The thing that scared me the most? They did a CT scan on my husband to find the pneumonia. This is what they did on my dad to find his lung cancer. What if they found lung cancer in my husband too? My husband used to smoke. (He actually quit when we started dating, for me.) It was the scariest thought. It was like my three biggest fears were merged in my mind: something happening to my parents, my husband, and my children (if my husband got sick).

So, I ask you out there, how can I get over this? It’s New Year’s Eve and I should be putting the past behind me. That’s what I want to do. Just look forward to the future, with whatever it has in store for me and my family and just take it and deal with it. But it’s so much harder to do that. The stakes are so much higher, the ante has been raised. I have three children to care for now. They are my world. I never want them to hurt or be scared or worry. But I know this is a pipe dream. Life finds them too. I know that I just have to find a way to deal with this. I hope I can soon, before I miss out on all of the amazing things happening every single day.

Wednesday the 5th I started feeling these different sensations — I didn’t think they were contractions, per se, but something new to get used to towards the end of a twin pregnancy. I didn’t really think much of it because I had already been feeling pretty miserable and just expected things to get worse.  I spent most of the day on the couch, not really feeling up to doing much. My mom took my son for the morning /afternoon so I was able to relax without feeling guilty that I couldn’t interact with him. 

At around 4:45 the next morning I went to the bathroom, as I always did for the fourth time in the middle of the night, but this time I had some discharge, which I thought was my mucous plug.  I also had an increase in cramping, which still didn’t feel like labor to me. The discharge part concerned me more,  so I woke my husband who told me to call the on-call doctor. The doctor basically told me to make an appointment with the office in the morning and go from there. 

At this point I went back to sleep, but I could tell the cramping was becoming increasingly sharp. I at least acknowledged to myself that this was an interesting development, but I honestly just kept thinking we’d go to the dr and they’d tell us to go back home and wait another week. 

At around 8 or so I called my Dr. Office to make an appointment but they redirected me to the nurse’s line which told me to leave a message for them to call me back. I ended up taking a shower and getting dressed, but then lay back on my bed. Meanwhile my husband was getting my son ready to take him to his mother’s so we could go to my doctor’s. 

At this point I was feeling more pressure. After laying in bed for about an hour, I suddenly felt something pop violently in my belly–it totally felt like one of the babies was making a break for it, literally–and then a quick gush of fluid. My son had just come in the room to say goodbye to me, and I said a quick bye and then ran to the bathroom where I made it in time to the toilet to feel my water break. It was a weird sensation. There was a lot of liquid! At this point I yelled out to my husband that my water just broke and I could hear him on the phone with the nurse’s line, who had just called, repeating to them that my water just broke. Luckily this part worked out where we had immediate feedback from the Dr office telling us to go directly to the hospital. Thank God my husband hadn’t left yet to take my son to his mother’s! That’s all I can say. 

After my water broke I began to feel immediate pain. I told my husband his mother had to meet us at the hospital to pick up our son. Luckily we are only about 20 minutes from the hospital, but with the contractions it felt like an hour. When we arrived around 9/9:15 or so, my mother-in-law hadn’t gotten there yet, so my husband waited in the car with my son while an orderly wheeled me up to the maternity department. I was doubled over as they processed me. Finally after what seemed like forever dealing with insurance info with a woman who really couldn’t care less that I was in major pain, I was sent to triage. I felt like I had been forgotten at one point but then before I knew it, my husband showed up and at least 7 nurses arrived to assess me. I was told that I was 6cm and two little feet were trying to come out. Things happened pretty quickly after that. They gave my husband scrubs and then wheeled me into the OR. I got my spinal rather quickly and then the next thing I know, they’re dangling baby A, my son, over the drape. He cried immediately, which was such a relief to me. I cried with joy as they pulled out baby B and showed her to me as well. 

The babies were considered “late pretermers” or something like that. They’re lungs were fine and overall just like “regular” newborns. Baby B did have to spend 2 days in the nicu to regulate her blood sugar levels (involving an IV) , and we did have a jaundice scare with baby A but other than that, their birth weights were rather normal and were able to come home with us right away. We are so grateful. We know things could’ve been worse. We are truly blessed. 

It was such a surreal experience. After going through regular child birth with my son, I can honestly say I was fine with having a c-section for twins. The worst part though was /is the recovery. I never knew I’d be so bloated afterwards. Now, two weeks past the birth, my legs and feet are still so stolen from all of the fluid they pumped into me. It hurts to walk! 

Now, we are home and getting used to being a family of 5 instead of a family of 3. My son absolutely loves his baby brother and sister, but it’s very clear he feels the dimished attention. It’s really hard to balance giving each of them the attention they deserve right now, especially when you’re working on less that 2 hours of sleep a night and waking with a massive headache everyday. 

I know things will take time. We will adapt and adjust. Life is good (but I’m still ready for the sleeping through the night stage to get here soon!) 

Why it’s all worth it. 

Would you believe I gave birth the day after my last post when I thought I had at least 2 more weeks? Well, that’s exactly what happened on July 6th, 2017.

I feel like I have a lot to talk about here in upcoming posts. Surely, I want to share the birth story, but I also need to really write about the ramifications of the baby blues in my life right now. How I feel about our lives being so different now and how our son, who’s had us to himself for nearly 5 years is handling the change (or is it how I’m handling the change).

It’s a difficult transition that came a little earlier than I expected. Hormones and recovering from a c-section make it even harder. We are so in love with these babies, but make no mistake, it’s hard!

We’re only one week in with the lack of sleep and change to our routine, and we’re struggling. A part of me knows everything will be fine because I’ve had these feelings before, but then another part of me knows the stakes are higher now then they ever were. With 3 kids, will I go back to work? Do I want to? Will my husband be able to handle the extra burden?

I don’t know the answer to these questions yet. It’s obviously all too early.  All I know is that everything is so new, and we are so very blessed!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve updated, but I just don’t want to bore or annoy people with my pregnancy. It’s hard to know how to share details of this pregnancy. It’s been a long time coming for us, but so has it been for so many other who are still waiting for their miracles. I think of you ladies often. Because of this, throughout this pregnancy I pretty much vowed to just experience it. Not make it a big deal where I flaunt it and do things like go out and buy “I’m gonna be a big brother” shirts for my son (hate to say it but I really despise that stuff). I’m not trying to be showy, but grateful. Because that is what I am. I am grateful for this opportunity which we thought would never come.

I’ve been taking one day at a time. I think I still feel like something bad is going to happen because I’ve been accustomed to that for so long. Will these babies be healthy? Will they have unforeseen issues after birth? Will I be able to breastfeed them and not stress out about that whole scene (I certainly did with my son, even though I eventually made it a year with him).  There are still so many questions, but right now, I am again, grateful that I am 36 weeks. My doctor visits have been uneventful, which I’m very happy about. They even scheduled me for a c-section (both babies are breech) for week 38. So, essentially, if nothing happens in the meantime, the babies will be here within two weeks!

Right now I am just in veg out mode. My mother is helping a lot, taking my son to the library and other outings, keeping him at her place for a bit while I can just nap and pretty much do nothing. The fact that she can do this for me, with all that my father is going through makes me feel so special. She’s got a lot on her mind with his cancer and to be able to take time for me means so much.  I want to return the favor when the babies are here. I pray I’ll be mobile enough to be able to go to their house, if only to hang out every once and a while.

Overall I’m doing well. I do worry that I’ll be a tired, old mother, though. I’m 39 now, and the babies will have us start all over again. My son is nearly 5 (in September) and I wonder if I can handle it. Certainly the way I feel now is probably feeding into that worry. I do miss being able to breathe, eat, sleep, walk and pretty much be comfortable, so the lack of energy doesn’t help. I just hope the c-section doesn’t put me out of commission for long. Forgive me if I sound like I’m complaining. I don’t want to come off that way. No matter how much you want a pregnancy though, there’s gonna be some discomfort where you just can’t wait for it all to be over. At least with twins, and at least at my age. I’m just ready for the babies to be here! It’s about time! I love that they’re still cooking and are still able to thrive inside me, so I guess what’s two more weeks at this point.

Before I know it, the babies will actually be here. This whole pregnancy will seem like a distant dream, and we’ll be in baby mode. I don’t really know what to expect, except to expect crazy. I know it will be for awhile. My son is so excited to be a big brother, and that’s really what it’s all about for us. We’ve wanted him to have siblings for so long. The fact that he’s taking to it so well is really so sweet (even though I give him about 2 days before he realizes the really don’t do much and will lose interest until they’re about 6 months). It’s a new chapter for us, and I can’t wait to experience it all!

I haven’t done one of these posts in a long time, but here goes: a complaining post about one of my sisters is coming at ya. I honestly don’t even have the time, energy or even desire to deal with it, but I thought I’d share the latest saga, all over the name of the boy twin.

So, back story here, my husband and I are pretty traditional. Especially when it comes to matters of our Italian heritage. The way we named our 1st born son was to name him after my husband’s father. That’s just what you do. Subsequent children are to be named after the father’s side first (yeah, sexist, but that’s the way it is and I’m ok with it) and then the mother’s side. So, since we’re having boy/girl twins, the girl gets my husband’s mother’s name (not a fan of it, but that’s ok, I’ll have a good nickname), and then the boy would get my father’s name.

One problem, though. My youngest sister (the feistiest one of them all) already named her 7-year-old son my father’s name. But, this is not unheard of in Italian families. Cousins have the same name to honor the grandfather. My dad had 5 cousins with his same name. My mom had 3. This is normal. My sisters like to pretend they’re not Italian anymore because they all married non-Italians (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but they like to pretend that they don’t know this rule.

Anyway, my sister had forbid me early on, “Don’t name your son the same name as mine!” and I had conceded at the time, but…and here’s the thing…I’ve thought about it for a long time now and I just can’t find a name that has as much meaning as my father’s. As it stands now, my husband will have honored both his parents with our children’s names, and I will not get my father in there at all b/c, well, let’s face it, I am scared of my sister.

I’ve been talking to my parents about it and they’re actually on board with using my father’s name. My father, honestly, doesn’t care, but he admits that it’s nice that we’d be traditional. And besides, after all my father has been through lately, it just makes sense in my heart to honor him now, more than ever.  After passing this past my parents, I decided I had to stop being afraid of my sister and let her know that I just *might” use my father’s name–also her son’s name–for my son.  I told my parents I knew my sister wouldn’t be happy, but they said, don’t worry, she’ll be fine.

So, things get a little more interesting. I had asked her a couple of weeks ago if she would be the godmother to my son. She accepted. Now, in order to be a godmother, she needs to get a signed statement from her church to say she’s a member of the church, and they always ask the name of the child to put on this statement. So, knowing this, I called her and told her the news.

I said, “Listen, I think we’re going to name the boy after Dad.” To which she replied as if I had just killed her son. She told me that wasn’t right and it’s not fair to her son. (She basically made me feel like I’d be causing undue stress to my own nephew!) I told her we’d use a different nickname than her son but then she got all crazy. She said, “What if he wants to change his nickname when he’s older?!” And I was like, “ok, what does this change? These cousins will be 7 years apart. They’ll hardly interact with each other. They won’t go to the same school. You know we like to do things the traditional way and it makes sense to honor dad now more than ever…” To which she replied, “oh yeah, what about mom, you’re not using her name…” I stayed calm, but schooled her on the way (SHE KNOWS) we Italians do things. “Um, she’s getting the girls middle name…and oh, by the way, did you ever use mom’s name at all with your daughter?” The answer was no of course.

Ok, so fine.  I was calm, telling her that I wanted to honor dad with all he’s been through, and she basically said, “you’re so selfish, you only think about yourself” and then she hung up on me. That was a lovely conversation. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

The next day I get the following text from her:

“I think you should know if you name the baby [the same name as my son] it will hurt my relationship with you very much. I just think you should know that. And I don’t want you making a scene at [my daughter’s birthday] party [this weekend] because that’s not fair to her.”

I was at Target with my son. Once I read this I started laughing, honestly. I can’t even get angry anymore with them. So I replied, “Um, I think you’re the one making a scene”

FYI, the insinuation here is that not only am I causing undue stress to her son, but now I am such a monster that I’d cause mental anguish to her daughter, my goddaughter, btw!  Jeez, what kind of horrible aunt am I?  Believe me, I wouldn’t even dream of bringing anything up. I would never make my own nieces and nephews special day about me, unlike my sister. The fact that she’s making it out to be that I would is really hurtful, again!

Life is a series of ups and downs. Especially for my family. Just in the past few months things have been the craziest they’ve ever been. The up: My pregnancy is going well. I’m 26 weeks and taking one day at a time trying to make it as far as I can (38 weeks would be great!).  I have my next appointment in a couple of weeks. The glucose test. I’m hoping that goes well. I have been feeling really tired and bloated nearly every day and evening. It’s tough, I won’t lie, but it’s worth it in the end. I’m just keeping my eye on the prize.

The downs:  my husband’s grandmother passed away on Holy Thursday. Her heart was failing and the a valve was leaking into her lungs, causing pneumonia. She was in the ICU for 3 days. She didn’t suffer. She was 92, but it’s still hard. My husband was VERY close to his grandmother. He called her everyday, even two times a day. He was always there when she needed him. We were slated to go on vacation the week after Easter but we had to cancel it. The funeral was the Monday after Easter. Easter just kinda came and went this year. We told our son that we’ll reschedule the vacation–he was really looking forward to it.

As part of this, my mother-in-law, who’s been a widow for over 36 years, and who was living with her now deceased mother, will now be alone. We still don’t know if she wants to live alone. If it were my mother I wouldn’t want her living alone. I told my husband we have to talk about this. I would be ok with living with her, but there has to be RULES and BOUNDARIES. Many rules and boundaries. My mother-in-law is notorious for taking control of things that she has no need to, and with the twins coming I’m afraid she’d take more liberties then I’d be ok with. I can’t move to her house. That’s a deal breaker. Ideally, I’d like to buy a house with an in-law suite. It needs to be my husband and my house. She needs her own space, with her own kitchen, away from mine. We can’t share kitchens!  So far my husband hasn’t wanted to broach the subject with her, and I get it, but she does seem to expect us to go over to her house a lot to eat dinner with her, and I just can’t do it anymore. I just want to have time with my family, in our house! It’s tough, and I’m not trying to be insensitive, but I really need to know that my family will still be able to have time for ourselves. Time will tell how this will play out.

The other down: my father continues to wage his fight on lung cancer. It was determined that since he did respond well to chemo, and the cancer was not in his lymph nodes anymore, surgery would be the best option to tackle the visible tumor in his lung.  He just had surgery on Monday to remove a portion (the lower lobe) of his left lung, where the tumor seems to be stemming from. I visited him Monday evening and again just this morning. The doctor said everything went well, but he’s in a lot of pain and hasn’t been able to start moving or doing his breathing exercises. He told me to tell my sisters that he doesn’t want us to visit him while he’s in the ICU anymore.  That’s tough to hear, but I can understand it. He’s tired and anxious and in a lot of pain. I don’t know what to do for him when he’s like this. I wanted to go today to bring my mom something to eat and maybe a chance to go home for a bit to freshen up, but my dad’s been having heart palpitations (from a previous condition) so she doesn’t want to leave him. Understandable. It’s just hard to not be able to do anything for him. He’s frustrated. He’s never been in a situation like this before, where he’s helpless and can’t do what he wants to do on his own without anyone’s help. He’s a prideful Italian man. He doesn’t want us to see him like this, but I told him it’s not easy to stay away.

Seeing my dad in pain is the lowest low right now. He’s been through 3 rounds of chemo, this surgery, and then the promise of more chemo and radiation after he recovers from surgery. When does it end? Can he just not have to deal with this anymore?!  He gets so quiet and reserved. It’s horrible to see him like this. I just hope and pray that the surgery got the majority (ALL?!) of the cancer and that he can be in remission soon, but of course PET scans can’t see everything, the microscopic stuff.  I just hope and pray he gets a break and peace of mind soon.

First of all, thank you so much to the ladies who have checked in on me. I apologize for the silence, but it has just taken me awhile to process the range of emotions I’ve been feeling, as you’ll read.

So today I am 19 weeks pregnant. So far I’ve only done the nuchal translucency test, but have denied all other diagnostic testing. What’s the point? All they succeed in doing is freaking me out. They’re not 100% accurate. The nuchal scan came back fine and I’m ok with that. I did consent to one more test next Thursday for an EKG for the babies. Apparently IVF babies are like 2-3% more likely to have heart issues. Bleh! Overall, my doctors are fine with me declining other tests–they said I’ll have tons of sonograms anyway and if anything pops up that looks out of the ordinary they’d suggest further testing at that point, but for now, we’re good.  I enjoy this approach. It’s much less stressful. Lord knows we’ve been through enough just to get here, so why not just give us a break. Yes, one of the embryos was PGS tested as normal, and yes, we know that’s no guarantee, but I at least feel good knowing that each and every sonogram so far as been on track and the babies are looking good each time.

We just found out last Thursday that we’re having a boy (the PGS normal one) and a girl. This is exciting and scary at the same time.I’m 38, soon to be 39 and starting all over!  Wow, it’ll be an adjustment for sure. We told our son, who seems excited about being a big brother, but he was also just as excited about getting the present we gave him when we told him. Maybe he things being a big brother is all about getting presents. I’ll have to make some adjustments to that…

So we have great news in our lives, but this news is unfortunately overshadowed by what my father is going through right now. In January we found out that my father has Lung cancer. How!? Why!? What’s the reason that this had to happen to him!?  Yes, he did smoke in his youth, but I remember when I was 10 he quit cold-turkey because my younger sister just learned in school how bad smoking was and told him, “Daddy, I don’t want you to die.” And that was that. That was nearly 30 years ago. His job also put him at risk with a lot of chemicals too. Could this be the reason as well?

I have never seen my father sick, weak, sad, ot depressed before. That has all changed. On February 14th, he started his first round (of possibly 6) of chemo treatments. He’s been through so much. He’s already lost his hair. He went through two weeks following chemo of fatigue, nausea, pain and what I would classify as depression because he wouldn’t really interact with anyone. My son even noticed it. He told me, “Nonno doesn’t want to play with me anymore”. That nearly broke my heart.

I remember all throughout my childhood and youth, my Dad would always tell us to just take life as it is. Nothing is perfect and life is hard; don’t complain.  This is his mantra. He still doesn’t complain. He won’t tell us how bad it really is, although we can see for ourselves.

Yesterday was a good day. It seems like he gets a few days of respite before he’ll start round 2 on Tuesday. We went over to my parents for dinner and he was talkative and playful with my son. He was his old self, except for the new shaved head and lingering fatigue. I just don’t know what another round will do to him. I shutter to think about him going through 6 rounds, 3 weeks apart, and potentially radiation as well. This is one nasty form of Lung cancer: Small Cell Lung Cancer. The good news is it hasn’t spread beyond his chest, but it is in his lymph nodes.  We hope and pray this is the worst it’ll get and that the chemo and treatments will make it go away for good!

It’s hard to know how to support my parents during this time. My sisters and I make more of an effort to be with them so they’re not alone too much. We bring them food. We bring the kids to get their mind off of  things. My mom was totally distraught when she first found out. It makes me sad for her too. Why they have to go through this during their retirement–a time that was supposed to be traveling, relaxing and hanging out with their grandchildren–I’ll never know.  All I know is that I trust in God and I hope and pray for another miracle for my father. God gave me the biggest and best miracle of my life with these two blessings. I know miracles are possible. I pray my father, who is so much more deserving than I am, gets his.  Please pray for my father as well.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything on this blog. I’m sure most people don’t want to read about how miserable I feel with the nausea everyday when I got my double miracle with twins. Everything seems to going well with the pregnancy.  But other things in life seem to not be.

I’ve been feeling a depression come over me. I’m not sure if this has been exacerbated by the hormones, but I’ve felt it from about the time we confirmed we’re having twins. Don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed we’re having twins, I just kinda feel freaked out about it. Like, am I too old to be starting over again?  I’ll be 39 when the babies are due in July!  I worry about how my son will feel when we tell him. Will he think we’re trying to replace him and feel like he won’t get the attention he’s been accustomed to?  Will I have enough time to dedicate to my family?  My father is going through some medical issues right now and it’s really scaring me. What if I can’t be there for him and my mother?  Everything seems to be up in the air at the moment and things just feel so sad and uncertain. Is it hormones or the state of the world we all live in today?  I mean, let’s face it, with the political state the US is in right now, the future doesn’t seem to be too bright anymore.

Things with the babies seem fine. Next week we’re going in for a nuchal translucency test with a perinatologist so who knows how that’ll go.  I’m just SO over doctors giving me bad news. I have no reason to believe we will get bad news, but of course you never know. We did transfer 1 PGS normal and 1 UNTESTED embryo.  Life is just so hard right now so why would things turn out perfect?

I kinda feel like I’m going through some sort of PTSD. We’ve told several people we’re expecting, but I told my husband I don’t want to make a big deal about it. I mostly just want him to tell people and I don’t want to be there because I don’t want people crying or hugging me or making a big deal about it. How wrong is that?!  It’s like I can’t even just let people be happy for us.

So what’s wrong with me?  I should be just thankful for what I’ve been given and just shut up about it all. But at the same time, it’s hard to think about what’s going on with me right now. I feel like I’ve been selfish for such a long time and now that my family needs me I’m out of commission. With the nausea hitting me everyday, it’s been hard to give my son the attention he deserves. He’s been watching a lot of TV lately and I feel such guilt about that. My husband’s been doing extra Mr. Mom duties and I feel so useless!  It’s so hard to feel like you can’t do the things you used to do. The rational side of me says I’ll start feeling better in a few weeks (please, Dear God) but then I worry so much about my father. Will he be ok?  Will I be able to be there for my parents when they need me?  I know what it means to have one infant and how limiting that is in where you can go, who you can see. But what about two?!

What am I complaining about right now?!  I need to stop feeling sad. But it’s so hard. I need my father to be ok. I need this country to be ok, and I need to be able to just do the things I used to do.