Good Friday

March 25, 2016March 25, 2016 What We Don't Getbin laden, easter, good friday, hitler, humor, jesus, jesus christ, jewish, john lennon, religion, ringo starLeave a comment

I don’t get Good Friday. Maybe it’s because I’m Jewish, but why is the day Jesus died called, “Good Friday”? How is someone dying (a leader too) good! Common sense would dictate it should called “Bad Friday”. As in it’s bad that he died. You never hear someone say, “Yeah, he’s dead, but I mean things are looking up! If I do say so myself today is going to be a good day!” Unless, you stand to inherit millions from the will, it’s usually a depressing day.

I was wrong though, sometimes somebody dying is good. Particular when it’s a bad person that dies such as Hitler or Bin Landen. Fun fact. Hitler died on April 30th 1945 and Bin Laden died on May 2nd 2011. The common bond? They both died on a Monday! My proposal? Simple. We have a “Good Monday” on either the last Monday of April or the first one in May! So quickly to review, when a good person dies such as John Lennon or myself it will be a bad/terrible day. If a bad person dies such as Hitler, Bin Laden, Ringo Star it’s a good/great day! Got it!? Good!

Stop Hiding the Mall Menorah’s

March 15, 2016March 15, 2016 What We Don't Getamc, christmas, donald trump, hanukah, holidays, jc penny, jewish, jews, mall, menorah, shoppingLeave a comment

I don’t get why malls practically hide Hanukah decorations during the holiday season! I probably should be wondering/worrying about more important issues like who will be the next president or what I will get for Hanukkah, but in my mind finding a menorah in the mall trumps (and no I am not supporting Trump. Just a coincidence. Or is it?) all.

It’s holiday time and it’s the mall so obviously the first thing you will probably see is this:

menorah

Just kidding!

You will most likely however (okay, okay you will) see this first:

santa house

Now, we’ll pretend for a minute the menorah wasn’t impossible to find at the mall. Let’s just look at the differences in the picture.

Santa’s house in the center of the mall is expansive. The Menorah while quite massive appears to be in a very secluded hallway of the mall. The decorations are top notch on and around Santa’s house. The Menorah while completely lit has its wire exposed (Craziness!).

Check out the mall map below:

mall schematic

What I find fascinating is the Santa’s house is right outside JC Penny’s, which is where most people enter the mall. The Menorah is all the way by the AMC theater in a secluded corner! Do you how many steps that is from JC Penny’s (luckily I counted!)!? That’s 300 steps. 300 STEPS! That’s just way to many steps away. If the mall wants the displays separate displays at least make them closer like 250 steps away! I know Jewish people wandered the desert for 40 years (which coincidentally means we took a lot of steps), but it shouldn’t take 40 years to find a Menorah in the mall!

I guess the strangest part in all of this is that my family and I barely decorate our house for Hanukah. If we do, it takes us about three seconds to plop the electric menorah on the window sill with the wire completely showing for people to trip over. The bulbs don’t even work when we plug the menorah in. The bulbs are used once a year for eight days and are always burned out for the next year. It will be day seven and it will be day three at my casa (We confuse a lot of people). Ironically, I guess the mall actually has a better display than my house even if it is hidden from the public (How about dem apples?).

Now, let’s just hope Hanukah Harry AKA my parents get me something great this year because in the end that’s more important than caring about where a mall menorah is located (isn’t it!?).

Girls

March 14, 2016March 15, 2016 What We Don't Getchinese, chinese language, cops, eyes, girls, humor, lies, school, school essay, school paper, WeirdLeave a comment

I don’t get girls. Girls are so weird. They talk in Chinese. Well, okay they don’t actually talk in Chinese, but honestly they might as well. A girl could say, “Like go out if you like really want to. Like seriously I won’t mind like at all.” and I would understand that as well as I understand the Chinese language. By the way, I would have nightmares if I was Chinese. Not because I would be Chinese (I wouldn’t like the squinty eyes though) but because of how long it must of took to write 5 page papers in school. Have you ever seen those symbols? They are always drawn to perfection! If they gave me a time limit of an hour I might able to draw three symbols (maybe four).

In all honesty, the only thing I understand about girls is that they are like cops. You lie to both (and you lie a lot). If a cop comes up to you and says, “Did you know that you were speeding?” you would reply with “No. Really? Was I?” It’s the same things with girls. If a girl says to you “I’m not sure about this dress. What do you think?” you say “You look amazing babe!” Imagine telling the truth. “Fuck yeah, I was speeding. I wanted to see how fast I could go in 25mph zone!” or “Babe, that dress is hideous. What made you buy that! Who buys a mustard yellow dress!” The results from that won’t be good. Liable to end up in jail or living a life without sex!

Birthday Celebrations

March 13, 2016March 13, 2016 What We Don't Getbirthday celebrations, birthdays, bruce jenner, celebrations, Diabetes, humor, Mcdonalds, Teutonic PlagueLeave a comment

I don’t get birthdays celebrations. Why should we celebrate our own birthdays? I mean our parents are the ones who did all the work. They are the ones who should really be celebrating! All the birthday boy/girl/man/woman/Bruce Jenner has done is survive and not die! How hard is that?

If we go back in time to when we hunted and shit, then I could see celebrating another year of life. The rest of the villagers would be like, “Yay! Happy Birthday! Another year you avoided getting eaten and the Teutonic Plague!”

In todays world its like, “Yay! Happy birthday! Another year you avoided dying of Diabetes from eating McDonalds for every meal!”

Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you actually had Diabetes…

Daylight savings

March 13, 2016March 13, 2016 What We Don't Getdaylight savings, DST, humor, march 13, sunday, time, WWDGLeave a comment

The concept of completely altering time blows my mind. Somebody just picks a date and says, “turn that shit back/ahead” and we listen. What if I like it on the fall time? If I choose to keep my microwave clock displaying an hour behind, is that wrong? Which time is “real” anyway? I’ve heard so many different theories on why we do this but I gotta say, all of them seem like BS if you ask me.

To me, there should be a middle ground. Maybe we compromise and do 30 minutes next time we “fall back” and leave it as is. Imagine the controversy? People get upset over Starbucks holiday cups, I can’t imagine the uproar if we alter DST. I guess it just amazes me that all we have to do is change a microwave, stove, wristwatch, etc. and we essentially change time – That’s crazy!

Another thing to ponder here, why doesn’t the name change? We aren’t “saving” daylight when we use MORE of it in the summer. We technically only “save” in the fall by using less of it. The whole thing is just bizarre and quite frankly unnecessary. Feel free to share your thoughts if you’re in the same time zone. Or maybe you’re on Central Time since you didn’t spring ahead. Maybe if we don’t switch for 2 years, we will catch up with Pacific Time. So many possibilities!

Elevators

March 12, 2016March 12, 2016 What We Don't Getdrunk, elevators, funny, handicap, humor, lazy, macys, mall, stairs2 Comments

I don’t get or really even like elevators! There I said it! If there is an option, between taking an elevator or running (walking, slowly) up the stairs, I always chose the elevator, but almost always immediately regret my decision. If I had to ballpark it, I would say 97.5% (not accurate) of the time I have had some kind of awkward altercation near or on an elevator. That’s why I prefer the stairs. I have never had any awkward experiences taking the stairs, except that one time when I tripped over my own feet and pretended that it didn’t happen. It did happen and everybody saw (Boy, was that awkward). I guess that’s the plus side of taking the elevator though, you can’t really trip over your own feet walking in a straight line (unless you’re drunk).

In my opinion, technology makes things awkward. Ever go to a mall (Of course you have)? Well, if you haven’t, you could either pull open the door (manual labor) or you could press that big button with the handicap symbol on it. When I get to the door I always get so stressed. What will people think if somebody clearly not physically (I’m definitely mentally) handicap presses that button? Will I get looked down on? Will I get yelled at like the time I used a handicap stall? With all those thoughts swirling around my head it’s just a must I go with the manual labor route. It’s the same with elevators! The buttons make things awkward! I’m just way too lazy to use the stairs.

One, time I was at Macy’s and I decided to use the elevator. Huge mistake. I found the elevator after shopping and pressed the button to go ‘up’. The ‘up’ button lit orange, which signifies the message was received. As I was waiting for the elevator to get to me (it was taking its sweet ass time) another man comes up to the elevator and presses the ‘up’ button that was already lit! Seriously! Why press a button that is already lit! It won’t make it come any faster! Then some lady comes up to the elevator and does the same exact thing! Do these people think I’m so stupid that I would just stand there without pressing the button!? Like are they waiting for me to say, “Why isn’t this thing coming? Oh my God! Would you look at that, I forgot to press the button. That would help. Wow, I’m so stupid and helpless!” What I should do to get back at people is to do just that. Stand by an elevator without pressing a button and apologize for not pressing that said button. That would be even more awkward than the awkwardness I already feel.

The crazy part is this is not where the awkwardness ends. It should, but it doesn’t. On the outside of the elevator, people can’t wait to touch the button. Some push it in rapid fire! Once, you get on the elevator though the same people who go crazy pushing it don’t even want to touch a button now. Everybody just makes a unanimous decision to elect one person to press every floor button for the rest of the people in there (usually if you are standing by the buttons). The elected person is the leader of that elevator trip. If something happens during your way up or down, they are the go to. People are shouting at them, “Hey, could press 4!?” or “Are you deaf!? Press 3!” I have a new rule. As you come onto the elevator just press the floor you need! That will eliminate all awkwardness and weirdness!

Okay, there is a chance (a good chance) that I am the only person to find using elevators awkward. I made a decision to eliminate my awkwardness once and for all! I’m taking a stand! No more elevators for me! No more stairs either! I’m gonna start taking escalators! It’s a mix between elevators and stairs (a hybrid). I should have done this years ago! Now, if you excuse me I’m going to use one right now! “Uhh. My shoelace is stuck. Oh my god! My shoelace is stuck! Somebody stop this thing!!!!!”

Mistletoe

March 12, 2016March 15, 2016 What We Don't Getchristmas, creep, creepy, genius, gifts, holiday movies, holidays, humor, kiss, mistletoe, relationships, starbucksLeave a comment

I love the holiday season for several reasons. The aroma of gingerbread cookies, the colorful decorations on every house, anticipation of gifts, Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes and of course the mistletoe (How else will I a kiss a girl this year?). I want to personally meet the person (totally was a man) who came up with the brilliant idea that two people should kiss underneath a mistletoe. He is a genius (or desperate). I could see it now: Some creepy man in town had zero success with the ladies (I feel your pain buddy!). Instead of trying to actually change and be less creepy he ratchets up his creepiness by hanging up a mistletoe at a holiday party. At the party, an innocent girl happens to stop and stand under the mistletoe. The creepy man runs over to het points up to the mistletoe and says, “Now you have to kiss me!” and she does! Creepiness wins, folks!

There is always those (holiday) movies, where some guy will see a girl and say, “How about a kiss!?” and the girl will smartly reply, “How about no!” Later in the film, the same guy will be holding a mistletoe over his head while the same girl walks by and says, “Now, how about that kiss!?” and now the girl is like “Yes! How about that kiss!” as they massively make out to end the movie.

I always try to figure out what changes when people stand under the mistletoe. Without the mistletoe the guy has no chance, with her and now he is suddenly the man of her dreams. I’m going to try this and not just during the holidays either. I’m going to ask a girl for a kiss in March and once she says “No way creep!” I’m gonna whip out the (dead) mistletoe and she if her reaction changes. We Will see if creepy still wins! One thing we do know fo sho Marijuana is definitely not the most powerful plant anymore!

The Flinstones

March 11, 2016March 11, 2016 What We Don't Get1960, bedrock, cartoons, comedy, Fred Flintstone, humor, locked out, love, love songs, Peter Gabriel, rubbles, saber tooth tiger, The flintstones, tv, tv show, Wilma Flintstone, windowsLeave a comment

I don’t get The Flintstones. I mean, I get the premise of The Flintstones (A modern stone age family). What I don’t get is the end title sequence. More specifically how Fred never makes it back into his house after he is locked out by his saber tooth tiger at the end of each episode. I know there is probably not much to get and I most likely should be using my time more wisely, but this always boggled my mind.

We all know how the ending goes. When the Flintstones get back to their house after a long night with their best friends (The Rubbles), Fred puts an empty milk bottle outside along with the family saber tooth tiger. The tiger then proceeds to jump through a large open window (more on this later) and puts Fred outside for the night. This causes Fred to pound on the door like a madman and yell for his wife, Wilma.

My initial thought is why doesn’t Fred just jump through the LARGE WIDE OPEN WINDOW like his saber tooth tiger!? After mulling this over for most of my life I have two possible theories on why he may not. The first is that he is fat, however the tiger is roughly Fred’s size and had no problem getting back in. This should only encourage Fred that it is possible. Plus, he would get so many brownie points from Wilma for at least trying, even if he does end up getting stuck. Another theory is he is just plain lazy. This will most likely not get him any brownie points!

Now let’s say Fred believes going through the WIDE OPEN WINDOW the size of a DOOR won’t work, why not just get creative? I’m not saying Fred he has to sing a love song, although it would be amazing to hear him belt out lyrics from Peter Gabriel’s classic song, “In your eyes”. Of course, he would be Peter Gravelstone for the show purposes, but I digress. He has to do something more though than yell and pound on the door because that clearly isn’t working.

On a side note, I still don’t understand how Wilma doesn’t hear him, when almost everybody else in the town of Bedrock does. Also, what do the neighbors think when Fred wakes up the town. Do they think Wilma purposely locked him out of the house? Maybe they try calling the Flintstones house to see what’s going on? I wonder if the Rubbles eventually let Fred in their house or they just let him keep yelling for Wilma?

If I was him (Thank God, I’m not) and nothing else was working, I would walk around the house to a window close to where Wilma is sleeping. If he still, feels the need to yell at least she is more likely to hear him from there than the front door. Now, let’s say she still doesn’t respond, she’s either avoiding Fred or she’s dead (makes sense, I mean she never came to the door). Fred should fear not though, as a last ditch effort he could just gather sticks and rocks (this is the stone age) and throw them her way. It’s more than likely she wakes up from this (totally would. I think!) or actually die if she gets hit in the head with an incoming rock.

I may never understand the ending of The Flintstones, but it was great discussing it with all of you. For all we know, he makes it in right after the show goes off the air. That’s just my hope anyway. If not, maybe this will work, “Wilmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

What We Don't Get!

…and we've all thought about before