Why am I such a resentful creature, you ask? Well, as I once was one foot into the ill-considered and dryly-defined realm of love, I held tight to my sensuality that made me believe that as we fall into love, all we feel, conceive, and do is “love.” Turns out I over-embellished this idea, more so to the degree of uninvited shame attached to it, and perhaps it’s down to how I fell for your indifference towards everything I thought you depend upon, and how I subtracted the possibility that we are humans, beings who are used to experiencing and witnessing a universal fall of whomever they happened to crave, or for the lack of better word, love.

During those midnight careless strolls and dim-lit dinners in buffets breathing in nooks, I happened to harbor an imperceptible pinch of hatred, as I found myself deeply in love. Hatred for myself, contempt for life, and endless agitation as to the possibility that things will change for worse, and as passionately we discredited the idea of foreseeing an end to whatever we had back then in the form of “love,” how helplessly did we fail in emancipating ourselves from not getting used to each other, and lastly, were destined to watch it all go down.
Sensually, I am of the belief that in love, all we do is irritate ourselves.

Down To Memory Lane.

That day, I could not be more happier to see my life sitting beside me and smiling. Most probably on my cheesy jokes and how i keep running my fingers through my hair. But she was always this way. Carefully listening to me even when i speak gibberish. Holding my hand and making sure that i was comfortable enough to share my darkest fears with her. I never consider myself fragile but she had always treated me in a specially cautious and guarded way. Making sure that i always feel safe when i am with her. Being a simple ordinary guy she was everything a guy desire from his partner. Cheerful, good listener and understanding. The moments that we had shared throughout our relationship were magical and had made me think of how lucky i was to have her in my life. With her i feel my life had meaning to it. I wanted to spent more time with her. Knowing her and improving my self so that she could always have me as her saviour whenever she needed me to be. Just like she always was present for me in my good or bad times. Never have i been so lucky to have something so valuable in my life. She is my treasure and i completely adored every second of my life with her. I miss her. Without her life is not the same. God broke my heart to prove that he always takes the best.

~Asf.

As much as i think of moving away from the abyss i’ve been sinking into, i keep on submerging myself deeper. Falling from one state of mind to another. From sanity to absolute insanity. I keep on plunging downward. My thoughts keep on visiting places i’ve already been visited. My mind collecting facts, figures and terms of associations to calculate how deep i have to suffer from all of it. The viciousness of nothingness and free fall of darkness kept me on the edge and i imagine myself passing through all of my observations, impressions and annotations in a jiffy. Only to reach to a point where it all begins again. My fall from wonders leaves the current state of plain and vapidness and steps into something much bigger. Another perspective of the world i might now have to endure. That could have been better, improved and totally revamped. My state of being in oblivious and nullness begin to swam in for a new hope. A new thought and a new life. Perhaps living in the shadows and then trying to insignificantly ignore my present chasm of nullity onto entering into a world of magical illusions, aspirations and intentions. Having newer and better perspectives of some thing that had been packaged again and you are the one person that from some time now have been to places and trips. Where you have felt the need of ritual to be cleansed with, passing through difficult times. Your insight and well witted ways will effect your past state of voidness and numbness. Now you have to enter into a much better newly created world. Something i have been dreaming to achieve but was not possible until now.
..
Sprouted from shadows and darkness of self pity, A new vision awaits. A world which is refreshed and improved. Better than yesterday. More better than today. My journey through haunting emptiness and frightening blankness have finally ended, Of all the world, i have a new thoughtfulness and intuitives. A better, larger and enhanced world awaits.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x-skFgrV59A

Dear Universe,

I miss her. So fucking much it hurts. Again. I have had the best of days/weeks lately. But today… today I just miss my Moon. I miss how if I had a day like today she would be there with open arms to hold and love away all the bad. I hate it. Missing her sucks. Thinking I need her is the worst.

I don’t remember her voice.. It brings a panic to my soul that is indescribable. There was a time that I thought I would hear it every day for the rest of my life and now I have a lifetime left to go without hearing it again.

I wish my soul forgot what it was like to love her.

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it.

I can’t do this anymore.

I love Her

I can’t share her any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul.

Dead.

I miss you.

I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.
None of those things are going to happen.
You are really gone.
You’re not coming back.
You don’t want to be back.
How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!
You’re gone….
I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.
I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.
This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.
Why?!
Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?
I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.
You barely heard me.
I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.
But it doesn’t matter.
You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.
And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.
I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.
All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!
Why did I believe in you?

I DREAM OF HER

I dream of her, and there she was!

Tears rolling down,

Held me in her lap and pampered me, as ever.

I smiled, and she kissed me, the kiss fresh and warm as ever!

I bid her goodbye; and yes, she broke her promise to stay forever!

I dream of her, and there she was!

Cute and adorable – enhanced her alluring beauty.

The nebulous smile still not lost,

The maturity with experience,

Didn’t fade that mischievous heart!

I dream of her, and there she was!

Ready for our second episode in love and romance!

The home is ours, the road is ours,

No-more hidden kisses, and back to loud love-making!

I dream of her, and there she was!

Striving hard and loosing cool,

Yet keeping up and being warm!

Through my draconian struggles and through my never ending miseries,

She stood there tall and strong – the pillar of my life.

I dream of her, and there she was!

Shouting and cursing,

She looked at me, and it looked like she blamed me!

But then as she held **********

A smile and a tear bloomed together in both our faces!

I dream of her, and there she was!

The eyes that of a child shows now, pain and anger!

She suffers, yet stays strong –

I dream of her, and there she was cuddled as one,

Half naked – shyness shred! Sheer beauty

Peaceful and comfortable in my shoulder,

Not so worried for the next day mysteries!

Like a new-born dribbling and wetting my skin!

I dream of her and there she was already up and tying her hair,

Angry at my laziness,

Pushing me, begging me to get ready,

Stealing kisses and stealing romance,

The brewing tea and the yummy cheeza – ready for yet another day.

I dream of her, and there she was,

The worldly affairs all shattered and broken,

For love is all that stood up and won.

She promised,

And promised never to leave!

But she did!!!

I dream of her, and there she was.

Angry and pushing me way, angry and worried!

The worldly affairs are too much to handle,

All she asked is to love and understand,

All she asked is to love and walk way!

I dream of her and there she was, escaping the worldly routines!

Travel is what I cherish, and travel is what she cherish,

The midnight rain, the never halting drive, endless phone calls and vedio chats,

Calm in her mood, ease in pose,

Eyes on me, love in air – another day in love.

I dream of her and there she was standing by the door,

Face rejoiced with joy,

And widened with laughter!

Skin glowing in sun’s first light,

Innocent and playfully wicked eyes staring at me!

I dream of her, and there she was.

Unleashing her smile – innocent as a new-born!

With eyes like that drawn in a picture!

With warmth that swallowed my troubles!

With love that hit me as a storm!

I dream of her and there she was –

An unknown stranger saying the most random ‘Hello’!

An unknown stranger sharing the first look, so causal!

Little did we know that life has predestined plans for us!

Little did we know that Love has destined itself for us!

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.
You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you.
I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.
It was amazing.
I wasn’t searching for you.
None of your features were blurred.
It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.
We weren’t fighting.
We weren’t hiding from anyone.
You didn’t reject me.
We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.
It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.
I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.
It was amazing.
I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.
I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.
So I did.
And now this.
Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.
But I didn’t.
I’m a fucking idiot.
I’m weak when it comes to your love.
I will fall for it everytime.
I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)
I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.
You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.
So who are you lying to?
Me?
Them?
Yourself?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.
Who would I tell?
I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?
And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?
Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?
I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.
I started this last night.
As we were arguing via text.
Before you text me and called me.

Before we spent time just being US.
Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.
Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.
I miss that so bad.
I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.
I missed the way you make me laugh.
I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.
But…
I’m sure it was a mistake.
I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.
I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.
I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.
I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.
I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.
And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

I seriously miss you.
Thanks for destroying me.

I took my poison and its you
Nothing could kill me like you do.