Girls and the Games they play………………….

27 05 2010

Its been a really long fucking time since i have written and honestly i havent been keeping up with a few of the other blogs i used to read either. I guess I only feel the need to write when I can’t seem to let out what the fuck is going on inside my head and heart. Chances are that no one i know will ever read this or anyone for that matter. However im not writing this blog for everyone else, im doing it for me. If someone reads this and has can relate or it helps them figure out some dramatic part of their life than that’s great.

Since the last time I wrote my life has continued on without any drastic changes. I do feel that for the last year I have felt more in my own shoes than I did the last seven years of my life. That being said i feel that being a father is the single best accomplishment of my life and i would not change that for anything in the world.  What I mean is that I have been living my life for me and what I though I wanted. Most of the last year was spent alone in terms of a significant other. Now I went on dates, in fact a lot of first dates, a few second dates and no third dates. All I can say is that none of them were the right one and I wasnt going to just pick one so as not to be alone. The last girl I dated to whom i refered to as my southern belle was the last one I really enjoyed spending time with but alas that did not pan out either.

Fast forward to the January of this year, I went on a date towards the end of the month with a girl I had met online a few months prior but never met. We met for a colts playoff game at a pub and had a good time. We seemed to hit it off and I actually was looking forward to a second date to see where this could go. Needless to say we continued to see each other and became closer and closer as time went on. Lets call her my shortty. So Shortty has a three-year old daughter, lets call her ray ray, and she is absolutely beautiful and innocent. As I have been in these situations before I wanted to wait before we met each others children as my little buddy is now SEVEN!! Jesus time doesn’t slow down for anything………. Anyways we waited two months before we introduced each other to our kids and it went great…….. Shortty was great with LB and I felt I did a great job with RR.

Now our schedules suck and it was hard for us to spend quality time together but we were able to see each other with our kids. But you know its not the same, especially for a couple so young in their relationship. I did seem to notice that Shortty was not as talkative or being vocal about her feelings for me but I just brushed it off as infatuation only last so long and she is defiantly not as emotionally affectionate as I am. However when it would be just the two of us she is one of the most affectionate girl’s I have ever been with………..

About two weeks ago Shortty came over on a tuesday……….just to see me and hang out. I had Ethan but he was playing in the other room. She sat on the couch and checked her email made small chit chat etc but i felt something wasnt quite the same. So I just asked her “what’s going on? Whats wrong?” To make a long story short she didnt know if she felt the same way about me anymore. She stated that some times she did and sometimes she didn’t. I attempted to get a more detailed explanation but there was no use. Now I know we hadnt had a regular single, no kids, dating life but hey thats the way the cards fell and I enjoyed being with her no matter what. She didn’t want to break up but she wanted some space, a “break”. I haven’t seen st elmos fire in a long time so I didnt know what the fuck that meant. So i gave her back stuff and she walked to the door. But she didnt give me back my key. Three days went by with out a text or a call from Shortty. Friday came and she sent me a message about her concern for the blending of our families. I tried to put her fears at ease and that night we didnt go out with our friends but instead stayed in watched a movie and made love. Now I had to work the next morning and we didnt really get a chance to talk about what had happened and why but i needed to. Eventually we did talk but she seemed very non chalant about it and I was writheing in discontent and again with the “I dont know what I want or if im ready to be as serious”, side note Shortty is 24 and im now 28 so there was four-year age gap but it made no difference to me.

Shortty is currently in New York visiting her mother and sister for a week and a half and today sent me a message stating that she did not want to talk till she got home next mon. That it would be best for both of us and that she was sorry. I didnt understand but I asked if she was mad at me or something. Her response was no and that the reason she was doing this at all was because she cared otherwise she would have just kept going on and destroyed us. That she didnt want to hurt me and thats what she thinks she is going to do, that she wants this but she doesnt know if she wants it right now………… So I asked if she just needed time completely away from me to think, she said yes, I said ok……….

I fell in love with Shortty and she said the same to me but its been two weeks since the last time i heard her say she loved me………. This fucking sucks i cant keep on this emotional roller coaster of bullshit. I finally meet someone again who makes me feel like I would do anything for her, I saw a possible future.  I keep telling my self nothing in life worth having is ever easy but that’s little comfort to the rock in my gut.  I just got done working out as hard as I could to a p90x workout and honestly that has been my salvation the last two months. So here I am sitting at work, wondering if she is wondering if I’m wondering about her etc……. I dont feel as anxious as i did before I worked out but it is far from out of my head.  FML, I did a pretty good job the last few years not feeling a goddamn thing and protecting my self from anything that would make me feel like I did when LB mother left, but here I am feeling……… alone.  Im tired of feeling like this, I dont like how much sway my feelings for Shortty have over me. If life is never as sweet without the sour then someone please pull the fucking lemon out every part of my life, id like to know what its like to taste the sweet for a little while……….


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It’s been awhile………

27 09 2009

It has been quite sometime since my last post and for no really good reason other than I simply did not want to. If you even care to know I started writing this blog because of Southern Belle. She and I dated for a while and it did not end well, for which I will take most of the blame(most). Anyways after she and I stopped seeing each other and a few hate blogs of her own (understandably so) against me, life moved on.

Lets see……….. It has only been a few months now but my job is now safe thanks to the local option income tax that was enacted. Sooooooo that was a huge fucking load off my shoulders. The stress of having your job held over your head for two years can really wear on you. Otherwise work has been great, I still love getting up for work everyday and I am very grateful that I have a job I love to do.

My son whom I call my LITTLE BUDDY is doing great. He started first grade recently and at a local catholic grade school that has a great reputation. Yes it is expensive and the EX and are for the most part splitting the cost but damn. However my parents struggled to send me and my three older sisters to private school all the way through high school so I want my son to have the same opportunities.  He is growing like a weed and it makes me sad some days that he is growing up so fast…… that and the fact that he does not and will most likely not have a sister or bother any time soon(at least from my side). 

The EX and I are getting along great and haven’t had any psycho blow outs since my Southern Belle and I went to Chicago. So thats been great . I can’t lie I did have a few relapse’s with her a few months after SB and I broke up. Was it healthy? Fuck no Was the sex good? Fuck yes.  SB and I had a great sex life at least from my point of view, and she was always and I mean always in the mood. Sooooo a bit of a dry spell was wearing my will thin and she and I were drinking wine one night and……. well old times kind of just repeated themselves. Anyways………

I have not been in any real relationships since SB and for good reasons. I’m only dating! I just need to find the right girl for me and not just what I want in the long run. Who doesn’t want to feel loved, desired and care for? SB was an amazing girl and we got along great and had alot of fun and I cared for her, that much was certain. However that doesn’t mean though that it was meant to be…… and it wasn’t. Did I say some things I shouldn’t have? Oh yeah. Did she as well? Yep so the blame goes both ways but no one wants to hurt anyone. It just goes with risk of opening your heart and hopes to someone else. But how else are we supposed to ever figure shit out? Do you know? I sure as hell don’t………….

I bought a motorcycle recently and its AWESOME! For anyone who knows what the different bikes are it is a 2005 victory Hammer. 100 percent American made! (Harley cant even say that anymore) I’ll post a picture so you can see it in all its awesomeness. Impulsive? you bet. Worth it? Hell yes.

05 Victory Hammer

05 Victory Hammer

 Soooo life goes on and I am still floating on it. I have a great job, a beautiful son that I would do anything for to see him smile, a loving supportive family (for the most part), and great friends that have helped me through some of the worst times and laughed with me through some of the best times……….Life is good and some how, some way, everything will be ok.

ps I love this new song and you should totally download Mat Kearney’s new album.


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Great Day

11 07 2009

Today I’m working for a friend on a different shift. He had worked for me one day awhile ago so now I am repaying the favor. The best part is that two of my friends from rookie school are working over time at the same station and it had been a blast. It seems that every time we get the chance to work together we always have a lot of fun. Now the work always gets done around the station and we work even better together on the scene of a fire or a medical call so it all works out. Someday I am going to become an officer and hope that eventually some of us will be able to work together on the same rig or station. 

I went out with some close friends last night to a local establishment and enjoyed some great food and great beer. The best aspect of this place is that it is on the river in my city and has seating that is layered in decks down the bank of river. So there is great level view along the river as the sun is going down behind the trees.  Its a locally owned family place so im all about supporting the mom and pop organizations. We had a few drinks and talked about old times, crazy present times, and hopes for the future. Most of the people I’ve known since grade school but there were a few new friends from the hospital and the fire department.  It was almost out of movie with the setting and all the good stories that were going around. Afterwards we all walked to one of friends house who lived very close and kept the drinking and stories going most of the night. The only problem was that I had to work the next morning which is today. Needless to say it was rough as fuck getting up this morning………. That’s ok because my alarm clock woke me up to backtracks usa, which so happens to be mostly nineties and late eighties music.  Anyways I’ve been thinking an alot lately about what the fuck exactly am I planning on doing with the rest of my life other than my job and be the best father I can be to LB. Do you know what I’ve come up with? Jack shit………….. I know I want to travel to Europe, I want to buy a motorcycle, and I want to take LB to Disney world.  This all aside from the obvious desire to not be fucked in the head anymore with regards to relationships and eventually have more kids.  I guess I’ve just been working so much lately and I haven’t been able to set some obtainable goals. I did decide that I am going to rip out the walls in my living room and re drywall it and run new wiring and build speakers into the walls as well. I need to focus my energies somewhere and I really want to make the house more desirable when I sell it sooooo fuck it im going to tear it all out. Maybe ill put brackets in the ceiling studs for a sex swing………. maybe that’s a bit much I would most likely just fall asleep on it!

Three Friends, no...... Brothers


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BROKEN

8 07 2009

I haven’t posted in a while and that is because a number of things that I will try to explain. Not to long ago my southern belle and I split up.  I should clarify that I was the one that ended it……….. I’m not really sure why im writing this now but I used to write all the time in my own private note books and now this is my way to vent. I have no clear reason why I ended our relationship other than what was said between her and I when we last spoke……….. We spoke once before about how we felt as if we were “broken” as a result of our past relationships and how badly they fucked us up. Ever since the Ex and I split I haven’t been quite right but I do feel as if i’m happy with who I am. I could go into a long winded explanation of why I feel broken but it wouldn’t make any difference. If you have ever been on the dumped side of a long term committed relationship then you’ll understand. Mine just so happened to include my five year old and a newly purchased home when it fell apart in front of my eyes. The point being that after a year a fighting, crying, pleading, screaming, and what seemed like a constant state of hopelessness, you just feel all used up and “broken”.  Life is really fucking hard to put back together after something like that……. I am and always will be a  family man and I had what I always wanted, a soon to be wife, beautiful son, home to call our own, and a profession and job that I love deeply. That all seemed to slip away from me bit by bit and the harder I tried to put it all back together or at least learn a new way to have it all work the worse it became. I felt like a piece of shit, worthless, and a failure as a father and significant other because, I let this happen? I don’t know……… maybe I should have been stronger and stood up for what I wanted but thats all in the past now. ……….

So here I am over two years later and trying to date other women to move on with my life and complete the aspect of my life that I feel is why I am here.  I suck at it now, I have met some amazing women. Some are more of a match with me then others but all have been great girls, great mothers, and accomplished in their lives. So whats the problem? Me……….. I have realized though that the point of dating is to meet people and decide if you think you want to continue seeing that person and maybe even see a future with that person. I believe that is what I am trying to do however it really fucking sucks when the last four women I’ve dated for any length of time, it has been be ending the relationship. I don’t get off on it or have some deep fucked up notion and desire to hurt others as I have been(trust me I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for this).  I just date and get to know someone and decide that its not going to work out. Just because you meet a great person, does not mean your going to marry that aforementioned person.  Right? I don’t know, like I said I’m emotionally fucked.


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Fire Engine Red……..

17 05 2009

I got my new truck the other day! Its an 02 Chevy Avalanche. Its fucking sweet! I’m not going to lie it’s pretty much the sweetest thing ever, other than my southern belle of course. I went to go pick it up after having to wait a few days for the guy to put new tires on it and replace one of the tail lights. I used to have a 97′ Chevy full size extended cab pickup with a 350 in it. For all those who don’t speak engine talk, that’s the main stay V8 engine of the American dream. Anyways, I had just picked up LB from school and went straight to the lot. Now I had worked the day before and worked the part time landscaping job all day that day so as excited as I was, I found my self ready to pass out and unable to fully enjoy the fruits of my labors. However the next day was better and I was able to detail it at work. My SB was also nice enough to bring an exhaust system that I had ordered to the station for me to work on. She brought Big J with her and it was nice to see both of them at the station.  I think we are going to have a to have an afternoon of my and my SB and her boys real soon.

Work has been going well with regards to no dying on me lately or any of my fellow firemen and women not being hurt. A few months ago one of my good friends that I went to rookie school with was fighting a grocery store fire and while working on the eastern side of the building, the brick wall collapsed on him burying him. It was not a pleasant sight to see on video………… A friend of mine called me who was on the scene and told me what happened and immediately I dropped what I was doing and flew to the hospital that he was being taken to. He was going to be ok but he did break one of his bones in his neck and had a skull fracture. His broken helmet is on display at our central station as a reminder to us all what happened that day. Last week he returned to full duty and I saw him in the morning while we were having  our morning coffee as we do in between shifts. All I could do was smile and give him the typical man shake and one arm hug, it was good to see him up and back at work.

I miss my southern belle, she is on her way over tonight to spend some time together. I think we might watch Step Brothers and have some homemade root beer that LB and I picked up at the retro drive in place that a family runs here.

ps the dual exhaust sounds like sex on my ears…………


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Waiting……..

14 05 2009

Today was a ho hum day by many accounts. The whole day was overcast and rainy, I’ve only had two calls for work and both were medical (not that I don’t enjoy medical calls but there is nothing like a fire), and I have to wait one more day to pick up my new truck.  I can’t help it,  when it comes to new trucks I require instant gratification. One good thing that did happen was I got to see my Southern Belle last night. With my part time job and my schedule as a firefighter, working 24hrs at a time, it seems that I have not been able to spend some quailty time with my girl. I’ll admit at I have been missing her something fierce and last night I got my fix. Now its not what you are thinking we didn’t “do it”, in fact we both have been a little under the weather as a result of allergies and possibly a cold. As a result we just kind of lay-ed around and watched part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. That is until I fell asleep, again. I’ve never explained it but when we go to each others home we usually fall asleep together but set the alarm for some ungodly hour so as to not let out children know the other has spent the night. This can equal some hazardous conditions for driving home with half asleep blank stare at four am, but its worth it to me to fall asleep next to her.

We had a good fire last week, some idiot tried to boil eggs in a pot with out water to the point that the pot caught on fire and set the whole kitchen and then a third of the apartment building on fire. It may sound dumb but that is the fourth call in two years that I have gone on when some one has tried to cook eggs by just putting them in a pot and turning on the burner. Sweet Jesus, maybe this is part of natural selection trying to weed these fucking retards out, just don’t take the rest of us with you please. 

I love my job with all my heart and can’t imagine doing anything different but I am worried about losing my job as the mayor of my city wants to lay thirty-six of us off. All becuase the state of Indiana put a cap on all property tax and now the city is scrambling to come up with a 27 million dollar budget deficit. The bitch of it is that my city and mayor had three years to prepare for this and did nothing to acuire new funding.  Soooooo for the last two years I’ve had my job held over my head saying well……. we might have to lay you off if we don’t pass a new tax. How do you think the people of this city are responding to that with the economy the way it is? Fucking douche bags, but lets keep the four mayor assistants, did you know that even the mayor of Indianapolis doesn’t have four assisants? Fuck it……. anyways………. I needed to get that out.

Tomorrow I will pick up the avalanche and the new exhaust system should be here in a day or so. I’ll post new pictures soon, maybe my southern belle will pose for them!


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Seems to good to be true?

10 05 2009

The other day my soututhern bell and I finally had the chance to spend most of the day together. When we first started dating it seemed like we spent almost everyday together. Of course when we were not with our children or after they had gone to bed.  However lately I’ve been working a part time job for a fire department friend who owns a landscaping company on the side and it has taken up all of my off days during the week. We ended up doing a whole lot of nothing together and it was everything I could have hoped it would be. However SB had a final to take and had to leave for about an hour, when she got back we decided to watch a movie that we had seemed to start but never finish at least three times by now.  Now mind you this was the middle of the day and as we curled up in bed we decided to get comfortable. I don’t know about you but I rest in bed only one way, in by boxers and that is it. As we lay there watching the movie and simply enjoying each others company I hear a voice coming from inside the house. It was calling out my name and as I jumped up realized it was my father’s voice calling me! I felt a sense of deja vu that took me all the way back to high school when I told my parents one day that I would not be going to church with them, all the while I had my girlfriend under the covers. Of course no more than twenty mins later my dad called out my name and opened my bedroom door to a sight that I’m sure is still burned into his eyes to this day.  Anyways, I jumped up and hopped out to the kitchen to find my dad grinning at me as I attempted to pull up my jeans. Now we were not doing anything but it was useless to convince my father other wise.  He just grinned and said “sorry”, SB came out shortly there after to meet my dad now for the first time no less! They exchanged greetings and my dad even gave her a hug. After a few word he left and I realized I had left the back screen door open as the weather was perfect that day. As my father’s SUV pulled out of the driveway I looked and SB as she looked at me……… we just started to laugh.  Well first impressions are the most important aren’t they? I’m just glad it wasn’t my mother………..

I’ve been looking at used trucks lately and I know that gas prices will not stay down forever but fuck it, I have always had trucks and the only reason I have a mid size sedan now is because I was a social worker before I was on the FD full time and drove ALOT  and couldn’t afford the gas but now I could swing it. However with the advent of SB’s and I’s relationship and the rate it is progressing I can’t have just a regular truck or even and extended cab. I think I mentioned before that she also has two boys and I we have also agreed that we want just one more child. Sooooo with out planning our whole life out I need a truck that could haul aforementioned children and stuff to go with them. I did find a sweet avalanche and am currently working out a deal on it as we speak hopefully it will pan out.

My little buddy and I spent most of the day together today and I showed him how to change the brakes on the car we are getting rid of. He seemed mildly interested until the ice cream man drove by. I can’t complain life is good, I love my job, the EX and I seemed to be getting along well lately, and i’m  with a wonderful woman who seems to be far to good for me. Well……………. here’s hoping


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Fire and Ice

2 05 2009

Well I know that my last post was rather intense so ill try not to be so dramatic. I do have a habit of writing only when I’m feeling my worst so this is my first attempt to break from that. Soooooo anyways I don’t think I’ve ever told you about my self, I’m a twenty seven year old single father of my awesome six year old son, we’ll call him my LITLLE BUDDY. If you didn’t guess by my last post I am a career firefighter for the city I live of about quarter of a million people, Notre Dame area for you football fans.  I live with my son half of the time in our own home in Northern Indiana and we are getting along just great. His mother, we’ll call her EX ,and I separated two years ago but she moved a little over a year ago. It did not end well but we get along for the most part now We were together for about seven years with LB and a dog and a house but then it all fell apart. Anyways LB and I have been on our own for a year but he does spend half his time with EX.  EX and I have been slamming heads allot lately, coincidentally it started around the time my Southern Bell and began dating.

So let me tell you about my Southern Bell she moved up her from Texas after getting divorced from her ex with her two son’s. We have been dating for a few months now and everything has been going great. We have alot of fun together and we laugh all the time. If we don’t laugh or screw around at least half of the time we are together then we know something is wrong. She like most of the movies that I like and she can quote lines from Spaceballs, I know I know I almost got down on one knee right there. We have both been through a lot in our lives already and appreciate each other for who we are and respect each other for what we have accomplished. SB has met LB and I have spent a lot of time with her two boys as well. We spend alot of time together when im not at work and when LB is with EX. Then again she does come and see me at the station when she can.  We have been on a day trip to Chicago, out to a Jazz club, or just laid in bed most the day and no matter what we have a great time together (and yes the bedroom part is rockin). It was pure chance that we came together but no matter what the reason we are together I’m glad we are…………

Next she is going to meet my parents! I’ll fill you in later


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I cant seem to explain everything

19 04 2009

I decided to write this today at the suggestion of someone close to me, we’ll just call her my southern belle. I had a day at work yesterday, it was a unique day in that I had a lot of different situations happen around me. At one end of the spectrum my girlfriend’s sister was giving birth to a brand new health baby boy. While at the other end a three year old little boy died from drowning in a pool that his family was opening for the summer months. All the while the world seemed to keep moving at a pace that never skipped a beat. I was relatively busy yesterday riding the ambulance, seemingly ferrying people back and forth to the hospital for sickness of the body or mind.

In the middle of the day I was at the hospital after transferring a pt to the er nurse, while there I noticed that most of the ER staff was in a occupied with a pt in one of the heavy trauma rooms.  Naturally i peeked inside as I have done countless times before. On more than one occasion the nurse’s or doctors have needed an extra hand and like many other medics/intermediates, we gladly help. However this time the pt was in far worse shape than what I was going to help with, about an hour before a twenty four year old man was play softball at a local park with friends and family. While sliding head first into home plate the outfielder attempted to throw him out and through no fault of anyone, the young man was struck in the back of the head. …………… He dropped……….. the medics on the scene stated that he went into full arrest. When all was said and done the doctors and medics got a pulse back but the damage to his brain was irreversible as a result of the internal bleeding and swelling. I don’t know why this bothered me so much but i couldn’t stop thinking about it. I heard the doctor speaking on the phone to another Dr. about a professional opinion, all I saw was a glance at the floor and a slow head shake.  He hung up the phone and stated that he would have to talk to the family soon as the young man was an organ donor.  All the while my girlfriend’s sister was upstairs giving birth to her and husbands first born son and I had just dropped off a suicide attempt.

The rest of the day was filled with car accidents, sick elderly people, people who don’t take care of themselves and mothers that shouldn’t be mothers. I felt emotionally charged the whole day, aside from being tired from the constant running. The little boy who was pulled from the pool, was under the near freezing water for almost thirty mins, regained a pulse by the time they got to the hospital. However the next morning a friend told me that little boy had passed. As I drove down the road listening to my friend tell me the news a single tear rolled down my cheek……….. I don’t cry very often, but I became extremely sad. I was thinking……….. god damn it.

I got to thinking about why I love my job and after watching some of my tivo’ed episodes of Rescue Me  and House, and I thought “I do this because I want to make a difference”. I have always seemed to want to help people, “fix” people, solve their problems or take them on as my own.  As far back as I can remember I have been like this. I was a social worker even for a few years before getting on the FD full time but that burned me out way to fast as the amount of good I was doing was wash over constantly by the repetitive hate, carelessness, and selfishness of people who for lack of a better term just don’t give a fuck. Being a firefighter and medic seemed to appeal to more than one of my interests and allowed me to be that person on a daily basis.  That euphoric feeling that I get every time I’m on the way to a fire or when we just shocked someones heart back to normal is almost addicting. But yesterday didn’t feel like that, with all the saddness and pain that seemed to blanket over everything, a new life came into this world free from hate, saddness, or pain, just love………. and that was enough to make me smile through it all.


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