OK, maybe not LIVE, though I *am* A-live right now…
Honestly, this is just a short post to let y’all know that I’m still, yeah, alive, to thank a few very deserving people, and ask for prayers, good vibes, positive juju, helpful thoughts for several of us, etc.
Ok, so a very, very super supportive and generous reader who has become a very dear friend has suffered a massive and unexpected death in her family. Because of this extremely traumatic event, not only is her life in turmoil, she is also UNDERSTANDABLY no longer able to help me financially. I ask that you keep My Fairy Godmother in your prayers, and send good thoughts, vibes, and good juju. She is truly an awesome, fantastic, and inspiring lady.
I would like to also thank her, and also thank a certain BRITISH go-getter working hard to figure out that work/life balance and doing a fantastic job of it (but who never emails often enough!!) for her lovely gifts and support! I would not be surviving this half life without their help!!
Changes – at least to my house – should be starting this month. I hope. Dearest readers, NEVER depend on the MFP program to act in a timely manner… So, yeah, I still need y’all’s (is too a word!) help. Unfortunately.
Well, for a long while there I was pretty depressed, like really down in the dumps. It was logical, though, all things considered, but it was what it was.
Then I started trying to claw my way back up, and with the help of a couple of FANFUCKINGTASTIC readers (truly they’re real friends now, thank you Pat and Bilal!) I have mostly made my way back. And then…
…I couldn’t find my password for WP.
Ugh.
But now that I have, I can report that, substatually speaking, nothing has changed much. I’m hooked up with the Money Follows the Person program, (yay), but so far I’m still in The Hellhole (BOOO!).
I’m still broke, still missing my cats and doggie (all passed away now 😭😭😭), still missing my home, and still missing edible food (someone order a big juicy rack of ribs and eat it on my behalf!!!). The food here REALLY sucks foul ass.
MFP is supposed to do some modifications on my house to make it wheelchair accessible… but that hasn’t started yet.
I. AM. SO..TIRED. OF. WAITING.
GAAGH!!!!!
O.K., whinefest over. How’s you???
With love and sorries for the long radio silence,
~Mer
Mandatory PS:
If you’ve suddenly won the lottery or whatever lately and are feelin’ friendly, my PAYPAL is paypal.me/MeridiansHope and my Cash App is $KarenInHellhole, lol. (Srsly, that’s my Cash App thingie…)
Like it? (I knew you had great taste!) Spread The Word:
I was gonna say that THAT sounded Southern as hell, but, well, I *am* Southern, so…yeah, lol.
Now pass the biscuits and gravy, please…!! * For non-Southern-Americans, biscuits are vaguely like scones only softer and fluffier inside with a very slight saltiness instead of sweetness, and traditionally there’s no fruit/sweet bits in them. The gravy — NOT SAUCE, it’s made with flour and bacon grease and/or butter — I’m talking about is a blond to light brown roux thinned out with milk (and plenty of salt and pepper!) to the desired consistency. One of my favorite breakfasts (see also: breakfast for dinner because yum) is crumbled biscuits and scrambled eggs covered with gravy with bacon on the side.
I really miss cooking. *sigh* Can’t even get a real fried egg in this shithole.
Anyway, if you guys have questions about Southerners, just ask!! I’m from North Carolina, which is NOT “the Deep South”, but it counts. I figure if you’re still reading my tales of The Great Woe’ing, you basically count as fam by now… Bless you.
Annnd yeah, if a Southerner has “blessed your heart”, you may have been lightly insulted. Maybe. Depends on context, lmao.
So, anyway, The Latest…
Medicaid in their infinite “wisdom” has stated that they have not so much denied my legs as have denied me my legs while I’m HERE.
PLEASE NOTE: I CANNOT GO HOME WITHOUT MY LEGS — my house is human height, not gnome height.
I don’t have ANYONE to stay with me and I don’t have anywhere else to go.
…
Buy they won’t release my legs to hype while I’m here.
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
It’s only my whole entire life they’re playing fucksies with.
So…ideas? Suggestions? Can you guys research any options I might have? (I do great research… at home…on my actual computer with the wide screed and real keyboard…)
Are there places that pay for legs for people like me stuck in that legal Catch 22?
I just want to go home to my dog.
😕😢😕
Now, the Medicaid Ombudsmen lady has been waiting on this to see what she can do now but I don’t expect anything else from her.
So…help with research please???? MY WHEELCHAIR IS SEEKING A DIVORCE!!!
Bah.
Oh, A friend talked me into doing a Cash App thing and you will never guess what my name is on it: $KarenInHellhole… BWAHAHA!!! Yeah, I shouldn’t be allowed to make up my own name thingies. *snicker*
I miss writing. I miss putting Erik and Godric’s voices on paper. I miss putting SEVRIN’s voice on paper. I was having fun with a certain spider and Niall and the smarter Sookies I wrote. They were all goid people — even mah little spider friend. I was even gonna name him Bartholomew!!
But I can’t write here.
It’s too loud, too cluttered, too…peopley. I’m too unsettled, too flustered, too nervous and anxious and worried.
I need to go home.
Ok, this is getting clingy, gotta stop. I just hope my dog is still alive when I get home, if I ever do. Maybe Barty will still even be in his web.
The title of this post comes from an awesome chef my mom and I used to watch on Saturday afternoons, Justin Wilson. He was an elderly man of the Cajun persuasion with a funny sense of humor. If you’re so inclined, his show can be found on YouTube. He’s not for everyone, but do give at least a 1-show chance. I can’t say I followed his recipes, but I did get some good idea from him, plus I loved to watch him cook.
I have no REAL news, just that I’ve contacted the N.C. Medicaid Ombudsmen and that Carolina Amputee and Orthotics have re-filed. Again. It’s not looking like I’ll get my legs until after I leave this hellhole. But, since I have no one living with me, and I can’t get someone to stay with me 24 hours a day for an unspecified amount of time, I just don’t know what to do. My home is NOT wheelchair compatible (although I have a beautiful ramp) so that’s out. *sad shrug*
Does anyone know anything about SIM cards? The one in my phone apparently did something vile to itself because it says “”SIM status – No service/Mobile network state -Disconnected””. I don’t speak phone so I dunno.
Anybody have a magic wand??? Just askin’ for a friend…
Anyway, hi from Hell’s Front Porch!! That’s what it feels like. Y’all Northern Hemispherians sweltering too? It’s not the heat (bullshit), it’s the humidity (…also true)… Ha! How are y’all dealing with the heat?? Be sure to check on your friends and neighbors to make sure they’re ok. Check on strangers’ outside pets, too. Please don’t let them suffer. 😢
I’ll complain more about this place and the new owners, Medical Facilities of America, in a future post (and post tags…). Needless to say, things are not good, they have gotten worse, and (as I’m sure you can tell…) I despise it here.
So, nothing new there, ha!
Anything new with you guys???
I may not always reply to your comments, BUT I READ EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Your kind words and support during this fuck-shitty time are PRICELESS to me. When I’m feeling really low, I will gladly admit that I will read back through the comments to make things feel less hopeless.
💗💗🌟💗💗☕💗💗
Thank you, everyone who has taken time out if their day to not only read my tales of woe but ESPECIALLY thank-you to everyone who has left such great comments, advice, and commiseration. And to those of you who have even donated, a very special thanks you to you, too. Your kindness has really, really helped. (Wal-Mart necessities 👕👖🍏🍅🍎🧀🍞☕☕☕📝📋 and vending machine drinks are NOT free – sodas are NOT provided here in any way – and God forbid I might want to order EDIBLE food…)
PayPal Linkynd, because subtlety is not my middle name (*snicker*), here’s the mandatory PayPal Link.
Ain’t that life? My whole life revolves around what’s said therefore I’m still…waiting.
Bah.
So summer has hit with a bang here in NC’ville, how about for y’all? This directly affects me because I spend as much time as I can outside. I’m not one to sit around staring at 4 walls… I don’t have a tv (permanently bed-bound, paralyzed roommate does and her sister has it set on the Hallmark love story channel…24 hours a day…guess who despises Hallmark love stories…)
Ennyway, so…outside is best. Its also quieter out here. The screamers, yellers, hollerers, moaners, and groaners stay inside, lol. They go at it, off and on, 24 hours a day. Fun!!! Gaagh.
(It also smells better outside…)
So outside it is.
How about y’all??
No IN the sun, though, cause ouch.
Now, here’s a thing I posted elsewhere that I wanted to share here. Feel free to add to it and/or pass along.
Thinky Thoughts
If you have to place someone you actually like, much less love, in a rest/nursing/rehab home…
First: don’t, unless you ABSOLUTELY MUST. But if so, read on.
Make sure you write or sticky label EVERYTHING they have there. Things have a habit of growing legs and it’s usually not to other inmates.
Ensure they have their own decent shampoo, body wash, deodorant/antiperspirant, toothbrush, toothpaste, dry shampoo, face/body lotion/cream, etc. because the facility will barely (and grudgingly) provide the very cheapest, harshest versions of these things.
Same goes for bandaids, wraps, and other things made by Bandaid, Curad, etc. (The bandaids barely stick 2 hours…)
The food will be generally unpalatable at best. They choose to purchase the very cheapest lots from food supply/delivery warehouses. Plan on bringing your loved one lots of…everything. Often. (I would kill to be able to afford delivery sometimes.)
Same goes for drinks. There is no sort of “beverage center” unless you count vending machines. Here “drinks” are served with the meal – a half cup container of super sweet oj and a half cup of watered down, super sweet cranberry juice, decaf coffee, and milk..lunch has watered down (un for me) sweet tea, decaf coffee, or milk…same for dinner. But you can have all the water you want!! So if your person likes sodas, juice, juice drinks, actual coffee, teas, etc., you will have to provide them plus cash for the machines.
If your person has to use glorified diapers, plan on providing those, too. What they expect inmates to use is of the thinnest and cheapest “quality” imaginable.
Same with the tissues. The boxes are less than half the thickness and a couple inches shorter than Kleenexes. Srsly.
If your person has pets, you now have them.
The end.
I could go on…and on…but I figure you’re tired of reading by now.
All I can say is that people with caring, mobile family are incredibly lucky — they have an “outside” advocate and are treated exponentially better, plus they get KFC and Arby’s when they want, lol. I imagine having someone come visit for an hour would be amazing but I do love getting cards!
And tag – you’re it! If you think of something to add, please do. Your mileage may vary.
☕☕☕☕☕
So my status hasn’t changed. Still broke and legless. Wheee!!!! Not. Sigh.
**waves with a shrug**
Well wishes definitely appreciated. And, honestly, donations, too. Bah. I hate asking.
I mean, it’s rained some days and not others, ok, so it’s rained most days (likely caused by my mood…), and I’m sure I’ve slept at some point, so those totally count as update-worthy.
Ok, or not.
Anyway…
Ok, so since NC MEDICAID has, in its infinite wisdom, denied me because I’ve been in this hellhole so long (100% their fault, btw…), I’ve decided to reach out to y’all, the best readers on the fucking planet, to ask:
Do any of you guys have any sort of connection or link to ANYONE either in NC’s version of Medicaid or in NC government who could help me with this quagmire of conundrums?
I hate to ask. I *really* hate to ask but I’m at my wits’ end.
For those lucky enough to have never dealt with Medicaid, it’s a state-based program, not a country-wide/federal program, and I live in North Carolina.
Any help would be ginormously appreciated. Annnnnd to that end, the new version of the ubiquitous linky link is below. Because of course it is. It’s where it lives!
Thank you for listening to (reading) my whine… Y’all’s ears/eyes must be dang near tired by now!
I really miss my old doggie. 😣😢. And my home. And my freedom.
Since nothing big is going on, I thought I’d give y’all a “behind the scenes” look at life here.
As much as I complain about being here, and I do despise it, I want to make sure y’all now that there ARE a few wonderful people who work here. Now, like anywhere else, most workers here are…generic 9-5ers – they do what they gotta do to get that check then go home. They’re ok, I get it.
A thankfully small percentage hate it here and make sure it shows. They’re rude, caustic, lazy, insolent, insulting, “wall holder-uppers”. You know the type… There are several here who just need to work elsewhere – or be flat out fired.
But thank God there are the precious few who have a willing, helpful heart. They are the backbone of institutions like this. Here I WILL name names – fuck the rules, they deserve a mention – Taylor, Angie, Donna, Destiny, and Ellen, thank you for making this hellhole liveable. I wish we could clone a thousand of each of you.
Another thing you might want to know about these kinds of places is that there is no privacy. None. At all. Everyone from housekeeping to administration can just walk right into your SHARED room as they perform the perfunctory knock. They never wait for the inmate to say ” come in”. Oh, no, they all just waltz right on in.
Inmate, erm, resident privacy, dignity, and respect are the afterthought that comes after the actual afterthoughts. We are the lowest of the low – everyone is more important than we are.
I don’t know about other places, but in here there is no division of inmates according to health status or care needs. Screamers, constant babblers, and occasionally violent dementias are housed right alongside, and sometimes in the same room with, the totally bed bound, the dying, and those needing little actual care. Yeah. It’s as bad as you think, and sometimes worse.
Well, I didn’t set out to write a novel so I’ll stop here. This is just what I do when I can’t sleep for worrying about all the house bills and money and when am I gonna get my legs and how my dog is doing now that she’s all alone in the house.
You don’t know how many times I’ve started writing things like this just to give my feelings a place to go. It doesn’t really help, per se, but it doesn’t hurt, either.
Anyway, here is the mandatory PayPal link. Your generosity and kindness are the ONLY income I have until I get back home and SSI kicks in.If I get to place a Wal-Mart order for gum, personal supplies,and deodorant,, it’s because of you fine folks!
Have a good one!
~Mer
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The good part happened first. On Tuesday I received a message on my home phone (why I keep the cable/internet/PHONE “on” while in this crap-zone . It’s speedy af but necessary.) from Carolina Amputee and Orthotics – the place where my legs live. So, I call back after lunch…annd she’s — you guessed it — gone to lunch…
As we likely all know, I have telephone anxiety. I’m pretty much ok AFTER I’m talking, but MAKING that call? Torture. So I call “Sherry” back Wednesday. She’s nice, but more importantly, she’s COMPETENT. She is the one handling my insurance stuff at the leg place. Apparently she couldn’t make heads or tails of my paperwork or the claim denial, etc., so she did the smart thing and called Medicaid, explained everything, and asked THEM what THEY thought she should do to get the claim approved.
Genius!! Call the people who make the decisions and ask THEM what they want!!
LSS, they had her refile it, and by her best guesstimate, she MAY hear back from them “as soon as 7 to 10 business days”. Now I ain’t holding my breath…we all know how this shit goes — we’ve seen this movie before — but its nice to know someone else is on the case.
Light, however faint, at the end of the tunnel is still light, right??
So there I was, walking (rolling?) on sunshine, thrilled with the possible progress, thinking about going home to my cat and dog and recliner and my own bed, when about 3 hours later the proverbial rug was pulled out from under me.
Tosha, my friend who’s taking care of my furbabies and house while I’m wasting my life here, texted me. She walked into my house and found my cat dead.
That killed me. My poor Galen. I hadn’t even gotten to hold him since last June. My poor boy. I’m having a really hard time dealing with this loss.
I feel like he had given up on waiting for me, I mean, he had no reason to think I would ever be home again. As a friend said, he was yet another victim of the system.
It’s hard to explain or describe to people who don’t love animals the way I do, but I feel kind of numb inside, like I don’t have anything else to give. Galen was one of my two main reasons to hurry up and get back home and I can’t help but think that if I’d been there, he’d still be alive and fine. That thought stabs.
This is his grave site now. Tosha and her husband buried Galen for me. Ill never get to hold him or love on him again.
So, yeah the best worst or the worst best day indeed.
And OF COURSE that was NATURALLY the day my PayPal fundraiser expired. Of course.
I hate to put that link in a post like THIS, and I’m currently leaking heart break fluid from my eyes, but unfortunately needs must. I’m so fucking tired of being “the needy one”, of hurting, of missing my little furbabies.
But anyway, here’s the link. Anything you can send will be VERY MUCH appreciated.
So…*draws lines in dirt with imaginary toe*… Anybody still around?? I suck at posting and keeping you guys in the loop. I know I suck. I’m sorry that I suck but…I still suck.
To say that a lot has happened since my last post is a laughable understatement. To say that a shit ton has happened is way more like it. To make a very long, depressing, angsty, shit-filled story somewhat shorter (and hopefully excuse my absence), here goes:
Sometime in June — after several weeks in the hospital, the surgeon committed surgery on my one remaining leg to separate it below the knee from the rest of my leg. So I no longer have any feet. Or ankles. Or much calf. Erm…no cankles for me??
A couple days after that, I was shipped off to a glorified rest home to heal up and wait for my new prosthetic. You know, where people go to die? There really IS no “therapy” department here. There’s shitty food, half-assed employees, domineering admin, no privacy, and rules meant to make your stay as miserable as possible, and no real “therapy” department.
Yes, I’m still stuck here. My leg was deemed healed in August and the new rig for my newly shortened right leg was ready in September, but the slowassed insurance part of the prosthetic company was lagging so by the time they had the paperwork ready to finally file it was the end of September and my insurance changed October 1st.
Naturally.
So it’s now the middle of fucking JANUARY and I’m still stuck in this hellhole. Meanwhile the household bills continue to accumulate, my dog and cat continue to forget me, my projects gather dust, I miss my home…
I MISS MY FUCKING ANIMALS AND MY FUCKING COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, and we can’t have coffee makers of any kind here.
Naturally…
This place sucks skanky ass.
My muse has flown away in terror and the little bitch didn’t take me with her. And I just the other day recovered my WP password because I am a stressed out, frustrated, irritated, somewhat (understandably) depressed (and legless) idiot.
So…these have been the (monotonous, boring, sucktacular) days of my life.
If not for a couple of truly amazing, fantastic, Godsent ladies (Fairy Godmother…Demented Elf), I would have utterly snapped by now. They have TRULY saved what sanity I have left.
That’s about all, I guess. There are millions – MILLIONS – of little things I could write about, especially about my time in medical incarceration here (that’s what it feels like), but I’m just thankful that you guys care enough to read THIS drivel!!
I won’t lie – I do need help so I’m putting the PayPal link here, but remember – only ever send what you truly CAN afford, and ANY kindness no matter how small or big is both appreciated and needed.
P.S. I have no idea how this will “read” since not only is it being done on my Kindle but the layout of WP has, of course, changed yet again.
Welcome to the latest phase of “This Shit Is Too Crazy To Make Up Part <gestures vaguely>”
Things Involved: Nervous Breakdown, Impaired Mobility, NoShows, Ambulance, Barking Dog That Will Not Shut The Everloving Fuck Up, Cussing Angels (probably)
First, keep in mind that All The Things are still wrong with my right foot and that Things Suck Ass with my fake leg, still, for reasons. Even after ALL THESE WEEKS, my insurance case manager has STILL NOT FOUND ANYONE TO COME OUT THE DR-ORDERED EVERY OTHER DAY TO TEND MY FOOT, and somehow Dr Goncalves has still SOMEHOW still not managed to send a new Rx to the RESTORE POC prosthetics place to get me fitted for a new insurance-covered leg. After being reminded to do so twice. By me.
Now, add in to that I’m still edema’ing like a fkng champ (hey, restricted mobility + impaired mobility + sluggish heart problems + oh, can’t actually take a PEE PILL WHEN YOUR MOBILITY IS IMPAIRED, NOW CAN YOU = yeah, you’re gonna swell up like a turgid blob) AND I have a raging UTI. (See OH, TAKE A PEE PILL FOR THE EDEMA EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE IMPAIRED MOBILITY – IT’LL BE FUN!!) UTIs affect different humans in different ways – it’s not a one-size-fits-all crapfest for men/women (yes, men CAN and DO get UTIs – urinary tracts are body parts, not sex parts).
So, on Friday I’m feeling pretty damn shitty, no energy, nerves are shot. I still don’t always sleep well at night unless I (over)medicate myself and I never know exactly what time the helper person will actually get here b/c she sucks at scheduling.
She’s also let me know way before hand that she’ll be gone Fri night-Sunday on a little trip with her bf – nbd, I’d asked twice to be sure her boss knew so they could get someone else in here on her days off. I also made a point to schedule a small food delivery on Friday just to take the pressure off the weekend.
So from 1pm Friday onward I’m expecting the UTI med to be delivered from the pharmacy (by a series of very sweet little old men, honestly – they’re great), expecting the groceries to be delivered between 1-2, and expecting the day lady to get here by 1 to deal with all this. I’m sitting here feeling awful, just wanting to cry, die, or disappear under a bed somewhere with just me my dog and my cat…when I hear lots of noise and banging at the door.
Groceries? Old men bearing meds? Aliens? Fuck if I know – it’s a little after one and Tosha isn’t here. So I’m screeching for whoever the fuck it is to come on in, come in, COME IN, COME THE FUCK ON IN, the dog is barking non-fucking-stop, and…eventually, finally, eventually dear Tosha finally hauls in, comes through with some groceries, then comes through with a USPS MAIL TOTE filled up with all sorts of mail, then more groceries, dog is still barking her ass off, and I just want to guzzle a gallon of Absinthe and call it a month.
The meds guy is usually here at right at 1`pm on delivery days so I’m worried about why whichever “he” might be running late, so I just take a deep breath, call the pharm, and enquire as to the health of whichever he is on duty. (It’s meds, you know, and they’re little old men and the world is not kind.) Meanwhile dear Tosha is acting pouty at ME b/c SHE was running late but she’s putting groceries away. I get off the phone (“he” was having to help someone put together a new wheelchair and would be along) so I started looking through The Massive Mail Dump.
I have no idea why it was all held for so long. There were bills, generic grocery/etc ads rolled together, crap mail, A COUPLE OF CARDS FROM YOU GUYS, and SEVERAL Amazon deliveries in the thin plastic bags all together. I weeded through it all as best as my slightly feverish brain could deal with, wondered why @walmart hated me so much that they would deliver me dark green bananas, and finally the meds got here.
I took a med, ate…………..something, shooed Tosha away b/c I was tired of dealing with her pouting at me for her running late, and went to nap in my chair. The mail, everything, could wait until I felt more human.
The bananas would probably outlast me.
Cue Saturday – you guessed it – nobody came. At all. I called the care worker company, A Primary Choice, and come to find out dear Tosha hadn’t even told them that she wouldn’t be working this weekend. Nope. So I absolutely spilled the beans on her. Their scheduler had no idea that she needed to send someone over y’day or today. So I did without help I really needed yesterday.
Today, she sent over “I can’t do that” Patty. My foot felt like I’d stepped in water. I can’t let my foot be wet. My foot is supposed to be being changed every other day to help keep it dry. This is not happening. “I can’t do that” Patty – you guessed it – couldn’t do that.
Fuck it. I called 911, asked for the non-emergency version of them, was encouraged to tell the very nice dispatch lady exactly what I needed, did so, and within 30 minutes a very nice paramedic person came into the house, followed my exact “”see it done every time at Wound Care”” instructions, gave me his card if I need their help again in future, and left.
Naturally Happy barked most of the time.
More things happened but honestly, I need a fucking nap.
(Remember, what’s donated to me really IS the ONLY money/income I have.and NOTHING is free anymore – Walmart gave me the funniest look when I asked about free paper towels and cat litter…)
Somebody keep an eye on those green bananas, ok? They look shifty.
~Mer
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So life is strange, y’all. And confusing. And convoluted. And I can’t even blame it all on Mercury being all Retrograd’y and shit. Ok, I mean, I’ll blame most of it on that anyway, but, well, you know. That’s what Mercury is for, right?
See, things have been strange. Case in point, I’ve had a revolving door when it comes to “home health care aids”. My situation is dire enough to warrant someone helping me out at home 2.5 hours a day, 7 days a week. The problem is finding a local/local-ish home care company that not only has available employees, but available employees who are DEPENDABLE and HEALTHY and NOT TOTAL NUTCASES who actually WANT TO WORK. *sigh*
People are weird.
Other Things have been going on, too, things seemingly designed to fuck with my life, so if you have any prayers, positive energy, vibes, good thoughts, anti-hex charms, whatever that you want to send my way, GO FOR IT.
As far as the Sweetest story goes, I’m working on the second chapter wherein we meet another well-known character. I figure some of you will be surprised while others…maybe not? I mean, it’s not like you guys KNOW ME or anything… … … (*insert manic giggling here*)
My foot is *gestures vaguely* footing ever so slowly right along, I guess. It’s just gonna take time. Lots of time. Lots and lots of time.Meanwhile my poor little body keeps getting chonkier and chonkier. Bah.
I still haven’t heard anything from DSS about the SSI claim. I wonder how they expect me to pay my power, water, internet, phone…etc…etc…bills during the unGodly long wait? Oh, that’s right, they figure if they wait long enough people will die and they won’t have to pay?
Fetid twaticles.
To end this on a sweeter note, warm chai tea is awesome! I mean, I love my coffee but sometimes a girl’s gotta have her tea, too, ya know? Lovely little cool snap going on right now – perfect for hot coffee, hot tea, hot chili, etc. Love this kind of weather!
Hugs and HAPPY NORTHERN HEMISPHERE ALLERGY TIMES!! (My b’day is May 5…I don’t think I’ve ever had an unallergic b’day, lol.)
Not a chapter and not an update – just a wish for EVERYONE to have a Happy Easter, or a Happy Sunday, whichever you want.
It makes me a bit sad that I’ll likely never met the vast majority of you in real life because I do feel like we actually, at least in part, know each other to some extent. It’s like we’re fam who just happen to live in each other’s computers, lol.
But in the end, we are all just walking each other home.
Safe journeys, and I hope to have the rest of the mini-ficlet completed soon.
I have up-date’y stuff to share but that can wait for another post (it’s mostly whinings, set backs, and woe’ings).
But…if you were to, say, look at my WP header you might notice a little something different.
What, you may ask?
Well…while my WIP muse seems to have taken herself off a world tour without me (she’s a meanypants but I can’t honestly blame her…if *I* could take off on a world tour and leave ME behind, I’d sure as hell do it…). HOWEVER, it seems that SOMEONE’s muse stopped by for a visit! No idea how long THIS one will hang around so I’m typing as fast as my semi-number fingertips will allow (diabetic neuropathy sucks ass, y’all).
Yes, A NEW STORY FROM YOURS TRULY!!
It’s gonna be a shorty – that is, if after y’all read it you decide that you want me to continue it (for all I know it sucks?) – with the guaranteed E/S HEA with a few surprises sprinkled in along the way… (Yes, I’m giggling manically!)
So, if you want, hop on over HERE, read it (it’s not that long), then lemme know what you think. I’ll be the one sitting over here biting my already-short nails – remember, it’s been HOW FUCKING LONG since I wrote, much less posted, a damn thing??
Things…have been a mess, lol. In general it’s been a GOOD mess, but also a paperwork mess and a “nurses visit and ask lots and lots and lots of questions but don’t actually DO anything” mess and a “lots of appointments here and there and having to deal with ‘transportation’ issues” mess and a “you have some home health help but not all the carers assigned to you will be dependable or even all that capable” mess (the one assigned to help me today is barely more ambulatory than I am…), but yeah, overall it’s good.
My wounds seem to be doing ok…they’re supposed to be monitored daily but I guess having Wound Care look at them once every other week is fine…
Most of the soreness from disuse then sudden overuse has resolved itself, finally – still crutchin’ real damn slow (I ain’t stupid, much) but that’s ok. Having to sit 99% of the time is wearing on the nerves, though. I would dearly love to get back into my writing but my brain is still stress-farting and trying to hide in itself. At best, y’all would get gibberish.
In other news, have y’all heard about how True Blood is being shown on a “regular prime-time” tv channel now? It is, but…I just can’t bring me to watch it. Beehl was bad enough the first time around – why would I want more of THAT??? Ew. Are y’all watchingit?
I just can’t. Plus it would probably make my doggie sick. (snicker)
As part of the “got sent home after being in the hospital a long time” thing, I finally got approved for a program called “Mom’s Meals” wherein you get mailed a huge box containing a cooler packed with around 14 portioned heat-and-eat meals that you keep in the fridge then microwave. It’s supposed to make eating a bit easier for the newly discharged. They’re…not good, honestly. Some are okish but it’s like they poured frozen vegetables into the veg side of the little tray and somehow expect them to be fully cooked after only heating them the recommended minute or two. The two “breakfasts” = a scrambled egg and half a cup of oatmeal sludge with some sort of weird syrup poured over it. The point behind me mentioning them is that if you hear of someone getting them, don’t expect them to be getting something great. It’s…easily fixed food to prevent starvation. Not truly horrible but deeply unsatisfying. But food.
(And they use whole wheat bread which I can’t stand.)
(And the 3 cute ikkle widdle juice boxes included are sized for kindergartners.)
Meh.
I do love that the home help I’m getting does the dishes, sweeps, brings in boxes, cuts up boxes to throw away (no actual recycling center around here convenient enough for anyone to take the boxes to for me, sadly), checks the mail – lots of stuff that I can’t do (cutting boxes down hurts my hands and it’s hard to do while sitting down anyway). It’s too bad that the company can’t find more reliable (and energetic?) help but hopefully things will even out soon. Either way, I’m still grateful as fuck for what help I *do* get.
(Plus if I fall and die, I know that at least someone will find Happy and Galen before they suffer. That’s a huge worry for me since I can’t afford the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” thing.)
Speaking of finances…for all the help I’ve gotten so far, none of it is financial. I’m still in just as bad shape as I ever was. Still haven’t heard anything at all from SSI/D. Still have no help with last year’s huge property taxes I still owe. Still have no help with the necessary bills – phone/internet, power, water, etc. etc. etc. I THANK GOD do have “food stamps” – not rollin’ in the sweet, sweet gub’ment food money, but it truly is a tremendous help. In that one way I feel like I’m at least getting back some of the tax money I paid in over the duration of all my working years so I’m not at all ashamed to get it now. Hell, I paid it in!
(Never did understand people being mean about others receiving government help when they need it – the people receiving it very likely paid for it with the taxes taken out of their work checks so they’re just getting their money back. And I will beat with my crutch anyone who tries to mock like single moms trying to buy stuff to make a cake for their kid with “food stamp” money! If people are hungry, you feed them, dammit. Yeah, not a fan of bullies…)
Anyway, so that’s how things are thinging here. Happy and Galen are still lying at/on my feet – to physically prevent me from ever leaving them ever again? Happy is personally insulted at all the new people traipsing in/out of the house – it’s HER house, dammit, and she certainly didn’t give all these new people permission to be here! She barks…and barks…and barks… She’s old, though, and set in her ways and is not at all used to ANYONE other than me being in the house, so I can’t complain at her. Much.
Oh, and it’s apparently Spring, now. *glances out window, rolls eyes* Happy Spring??
~Mer
This is HappyDog and GalenCat in their usual position – at/on my fake foot, lol. Figured I’d rather use their pic for the ubiquitous PayPal link photo as they’re far cuter than my fake leg is!
Last time, I was home for a grand total of 4 – four – days before being sent back to the emergency room.
FOUR. DAYS.
That’s not even enough time to get the musty, closed-up smell out of the house. Poor Happy-dog barely had time to get used to me being home before I had to leave her poor little butt again. (Galen’s too cool for school so doesn’t show a lot of emotion…he thinks, lol – silly kitty.)
They’ve both taken to sitting right at (and, for Galen, sleeping ON) my feet this time around. I think they hope it’ll keep my ass at home finally. I feel bad for them. I mean, sure, they had someone come by every day or three to scoop the litter box, clean up after Happy, feed/water them, and talk to (Happy wouldn’t let them close)/pet (Galen’s a pet-hoe’bag) them, but it’s not the same.
Happy made a point of telling me so.
Loudly.
Ikkle (old) baby girl has NOT left my side FOR ONE MOMENT since I’ve been back.
Ok, so I was discharged late Friday afternoon, got home, VERY VERY SLOWLY did the bare minimum to be moderately comfy, annnnnd sat my exhausted, mentally/emotionally stressed-the-hell-out ass down and CUDDLEED THE FUCK OUT OF MY FURBABIES.
I missed them so, so, SO MUCH.
There may have been some staring blindly at the walls, too.
It took forever Friday for my brain box to shut the hell up enough for me to go to sleep but sometime Saturday early morning, I finally got to sleep AND IT WAS THE BEST SLEEP OF MY LIFE. Never, ever make the mistake of thinking you can get any sort of REST in a hospital.
Then the phone woke me up. Saturday morning.
*sigh*
I swear, anyone who ever spends more than a week in the hospital should be given a day planner and a private secretary to handle all the calls and notes and appointments and paperwork that springs forth immediately thereafter.
Saturday, thought, was one of the worst days of my life, physically speaking. Keep in mind that I had spent most of February and March horizontal in hospital beds NOT wearing/using my prosthetic or real leg. All the progress I’d made with my getting used to the fake leg? Gone. It was almost as though I’d never worn one before. My real leg? It had basically forgotten what that whole “standing” and “walking” thing were all about. Comfortably bearing my body weight? Both legs were all confused by the concept.
I was so sore Saturday when I tried – TRIED – to get up to go to the bathroom I cried. Peeing my pants almost seemed like a viable solution to the Nature Calling problem. Almost. I knew, though, that there was only one non-medical way to resolve the problem and that was to use the LOUDLY SCREAMING muscles, joints, and bones to work out the lactic acid and get my ass going. So, ever so damn slowly, and quite shakily, too, I crutched my way to the potty room. Granted I set up housekeeping on the throne for a bit to recover and overcome the absolute and extreme dread of WALKING BACK, but…BY GOD I DID IT.
Later…ok, much much later, I grabbed my courage by the balls and made myself crutch to the kitchen – OMG, COFFEE – then crutched back. The only other crutching I did on Sat. was back to the bathroom – I’m ballsy but not a pain lover – but still, I did it.
Sunday was a smidgen better, not much I’m sad to say, but almost vaguely tolerable. It was still very, very painful. Today, yeah, still sore and a little shaky (Friday evening at home I was horribly shaky and honestly should not have been up by myself in this house but when you have no one, you gotta do it yourself or you don’t do it at all), but I’m…getting there.
NOTE: If you’ve spent more time horizontal than vertical, expect muscle soreness and weakness, bone soreness, joint soreness, and a general shakiness when you DO get vertical. Also, prosthetics will not feel, act, or work the same because the shape and condition of your limb end will change.
Ouch.
Anyway, so I’m back home, at least for now, and my pets have told me I’m never, ever allowed to leave again. (Don’t tell them but I have an apt tomorrow…which is its own gripe but I won’t bleed your ears with it.)
So – how has YOUR Feb/March been? Better than mine, I hope! The weather has been weird EVERYWHERE so I hope y’all have been safe??? Dry??? Not blown away or snowed in for days on end???
It won’t be world-shattering and my financial problems are far, far, far from over, but: I’VE BEEN APPROVED FOR MEDICAID!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW I can get my leg socket replaced, get another liner (that fits) and that kind of severely annoying) stuff, not to mention that when I figure out how to get actual transportation to/from doctor’s visits, I might could even see about getting healthy.
If Medicaid will pay for insulin, I might can even get the diabetes under control!!! (Right now I use the cheapie “$25/vial Walmart” stuff when I can but if you don’t have $25 dollars, you still don’t have insulin.) Having to ration insulin, and sometimes do completely without, has already caused a noticeable increase in neuropathy pain and a decrease in my eyesight. Maybe Medicaid will help with that??
The not-so-great news is that Medicaid will not pay for the bills accumulated BEFORE the Medicaid approval date. They would backpay for some things, depending on how recent, but all my previous leg, medical, medical-related, and not bills don’t qualify date-wise, so I’m still on the hook for those.
As well as my regular day-to-day daily-life bills. It doesn’t matter if I’m in “SSI limbo” for months – power, water, phone/internet, and other daily-life expenses (toilet paper, dog food, toothpaste, etc) still have to be bought/paid somehow and I don’t think I have enough body parts left to sell…
That being said, I can’t wait to get the whole Medicaid thing going. I’m sure it will be rife with complicated paperwork and hoops (all gov’t things are), and I still have no transportation lined up (I’ve heard it’s possible but I don’t know the hoops yet that I have to jump through), but yeah.
Oh, and get this: I have to go BACK to the leg-chopper surgeon to get an (another) Rx for a fake leg for Medicaid to pay for it. What, do they think my leg automagically regrew while I wasn’t looking?? It’s a calendar date thing, but still. Like, srsly, is a PROSTHETIC LEG something ANYONE would lie about??? The dr’s office (really nice office workers) knows the deal and we had a good laugh over it when I called them to ask about it all. We agreed that it’s ridiculous.
Anyway, I’m grateful to have something GOOD to tell y’all. I hate being whiny and depressing and only ever having something bad or worse to bring to the table. When I go quiet, it’s because I’m probably in a bad head-space, in a lot of pain, or something else icky and gross and I don’t want to drip my gloom and doom all over you.
Y’all are my sanity, my genuine friends who live in my computer! I want to bring only happiness, some chuckles, a couple sentient spiders, and fun into your life and really wish we could come out and play, have coffee at 1am, share hugs and cake and literally be there FOR EACH OTHER when times are good AND bad. No one would ever understand that you are not JUST “my readers” – you are actually a part of my life that I value very highly.
So, that’s the latest! Hope y’all are doing well, and if you are or not, do let us know. We care. I care.
Ok, so my last post sucked. I was (rightfully? understandably?) *DEEPLY* angstified. Depressified. Surly at the world-ified.
I mean, I still am, sure, but I have had some small measure of success and would far rather THAT be my latest post, so…here.
First let me state that I have very strong phone anxiety. I hate picking up the phone and then talking into it. Phone = foe.
But I managed to make not one, not two, not three, but FOUR calls yesterday.
That’s a win, right?
I had something else to humble-brag about but dang if I can remember NOW what it is/was. Brain fog…I don’t recommend it. It surely wasn’t about my dog’s horrendous, deadly, toxic, foul-miasma farts…
A sad news is that I’ve had to let my homeowner’s insurance die plus I still owe for ALL of last year’s property taxes, both of which hurt. This is my parents’ house, my “mom’s” house. Tears are involved.
Oh, just remembered: the good-ish news is that IF I’m able to jump through all the right hoops juuuuuuust right, I might be able to get a percentage break on THIS year’s taxes. We’ll see, eventually.
Did I mention that I despise paperwork, too?
Cause it’s icky.
The leg guy (Kevin, if you care) is supposed to magically appear on Monday. I need the socket (the part that my liner-encased leg goes down into) replaced (again) because the end of my leg is naturally still shrinking and the (super expensive PLASTIC) socket is too big (again) plus I need a new liner (the thing that goes over my skin and attaches the socket to me) because it’s loosening (too big now plus wearing out) and other generic but expensive leg stuff. But hey, progress, right?
Anyway, I’ll stop nattering in your reader-ear for now. Just thought I’d share my “I’m proud of me” good news now that I had a little.
You see,since Dec. 28th I’ve been hiding in my head, trying to pretend the world doesn’t exist and avoiding thinking about things as best I can because the thoughts hurt So…typing about them to you guys would have brought them to the forefront thus making me think the thoughts that I don’t want to think, plus I also REALLY REALLY don’t like being Deanna the Downer Dandelion, either.
For y’all, I want to be a source of fun, of stories and fantasies, of escape from the drudgery of daily life and caring about the YOU of you. I don’t LIKE being a source of bad, horrible, negative drama in my own life, much less in yours – you deserve better than that!
But that’s all I got now – depression, fear, utter helplessness, anxiety, frustration, the whole badly dyed, slightly dusty 9 yards..
***sigh***
Remember the SSI telephone application appointment at the end of December that I had such high hopes for?
It did not go well.
At all.
The interview “lady” was so condescending, insulting, mocking, patronizing, and disparaging that I cried for a solid hour after getting off the phone. And then that evening. And that night. And the next day…
Imagine a Dolores Umbridge without the “hem hem” and you have the officious office beast I got stuck with.
I really don’t have any hope.
And that’s why I haven’t updated recently. I am so sick and tired of being a constant source of whine and sadness.
Plus my cheapie keyboard is just that smidge too small and my fingers keep NOT hitting the right keys. Frustrating!!
Also bronchitis ’cause that’s always fun. There’s more, a lot more, but I hate this keyboard and I’ve dumped enough off on you already. But I could really use a hug right about now.
Y’all really are great and I do most heartily thank you for caring and for letting me whine at you. I genuinely DO do hope you have been having a better 2023 than I have but honestly, that wouldn’t take much at all. Somebunny win us all the lottery??
*pfft* Hey, can’t hurt to toss the suggestion out into the Universe, right?
I should open my own whinery – I have enough stock by now!
IMHO, the days right before and right after any big-to-you holiday are the important ones. Those are the days filled with excitement, frustration, varying levels of exhaustion, and food, family, and friends. They day before is for the build-up, the preparation and the anticipation and wondering where the batteries are. The day after is for recuperation, the playing with the gifts/the joy of using the gift cards, noshing at will on the leftovers, and wishing some things DIDN’T have batteries.
Both days are for hanging out with the family and friends (and just by yourself when you need a break).
I hope all of y’all have a great Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate, if indeed you DO celebrate some “day” at the end of December. I hope your lives are filled with the comfort, the joy, the sometimes frustration, and the security of having family and friends physically close to you.
I freely admit it – I’m jealous of you. I know exactly how precious, how dear, how…life-saving it is to have family and friends close-by. I miss that. I miss it so I know exactly how important it is and that’s why I srsly hope you guys have it even when it does drive you nucking futs and you want to pull everybody’s hair out.
UPDATE ON MY LIFE IF YOU’RE BORED, OTHERWISE FEEL FREE TO SKIP – I TOTALLY WOULD IF *I* COULD…
Still haven’t had that scheduled telephone appointment with the SSI/Disability person yet. It’s not until the 28th. Of course afterward I have absolutely no idea when I’ll hear anything from them or even if I’ll actually fit the right way thorough any of their hoops I’ll have to jump through (that are actively meant to keep people FROM quaifying for gov’t help).
The wait could take literal months (and I’ve heard it can truly take years) and the only money I have to survive on is what you guys donate. Really. I have no other income, at all. You have to get down to the point that you have no actual income BEFORE you can apply, and then you’re expected to live on air for months… until they eventually get around to actually delving into your case.
(My paranoia says that they really do want people to die first so they don’t have to bother with them.)
So there’s that. I guess I’m not supposed to have bills like power, water, credit card, vet, prosthetic, internet/phone/cable (stupid bundle pkg), city/county taxes (that I still haven’t been able to afford to pay this year), etc etc etc… Maybe we poors are expected to live on air and hope?? Ugh.
Paper towels, pet food, and toilet paper are not free either.
Yeah, I’m Madame Scrooge-It this year. I’d be big buddies with that Grinch dude except I’m not at all into green mutant-cat-looking things.
Ok, gonna shut up now and just remind you good people to be a bit more patient, a bit more loving, a bit more huggy with the people in your life – they’re a lot more important than you know…just like the day before and the day after your major holidays.
Stay warm if you’ve been overtaken by the cold wave affecting the US; stay hydrated (indoor heating is so thurstifying!); and have a Very Very Merry WhateverYouCelebrate!
Hugs,
~Mer
PS: Don’t get Whamageddoned…
PPS: And this cold weather’s gotta go…hurting all over!
Ok, y’all – believe it or not (and, yes, in the middle of the shitty chaos that pretends to be my life now), I actually HAVE been rereading Moon to get back into the groove of it.
No, I haven’t started writing yet – but I *have* been refamiliarizing myself with the story (and Sookie’s Amazing Preggo Cravings, lmao). I may also have been being (stilllove mah twisty verbs) a bit amazed – did *I* write THAT??? Rly?? Awesome!!
Wish I had a “play by play” of the story to keep The Bad (Dae) Guys straight, like, who and where they are and who did what (besides that damn’d evil triplet! – I know where SHE is MWAHAHAH!). But I get caught up reading and forget to take notes (plus brain fog sucks). Eh, if I make big booboos when I eventually DO post, I hope y’all will (kindly? gently?) lemme know?
Unfortunately my attention to it can’t be undivided now – too many other worries going on (mostly money, but also pain/health/life/existential bullshit), but I did want to let y’all know that I *am* trying – I’m pretty sore from life’s constant beat-down now and am not nearly as resilient as I used to be (or, more likely, as I thought I was), but I am trying.
I also wanted to thank you all for all your kind words – they really do mean the world to me. But — did you know that one of the “side effects” of brain fog is thinking that you’ve replied when all you’ve really done is lost the email in the sea of other emails where other things are also lost? Yeah. So please x infinity do NOT read anything into it if I haven’t or didn’t reply to your kind messages/comments. There’s a real damn good chance that I thought I had then got distracted by feeding the cat and then I needed a coffee and because of the coffee needed to crutch it to go pee and oh cookies! and then it was dinner time and where did all the time go and ugh the chicken is still frozen and no I don’t want pasta yet again but… (That may or may not have totally happened more than once…)
You guys ARE the best and I truly DO appreciate your kindness more than you could possibly know. I am YOUR biggest fan, for reals. You already know that life is hard, that it’s a rancid battlefield dotted with landmines and quicksand, that sometimes the unicorns are rabid and sprites and fairies can have some damn sharp teeth, and yet you send me such great encouragement and kindness and thoughts and advice anyway.
Thank you. Srsly.
Anyway, I’ll wrap whatever this is up – just wanted to keep you in the swirly, curly loop – and hope that y’all have a wonderful day! (I really am trying, guys.)
MAH DOGGY HAPPY CAUSE SHE’S SUCH A GOOD GIRL! She has become super-dooper protective of “mommy” after the amputation, bless her 10 (cough*15*cough) lb self!! (Got tired of photos of fake legs – hell, I see the damn thing every day as it is – and Happy is hella cuter!)
Like it? (I knew you had great taste!) Spread The Word:
I’m not sure if you guys know but I’ve talked with attorneys quite often about my situation – first around Oct/Nov of last year then another batch of uselessness in about April/May of this year, and most politely but bluntly” turned me down but one said for me to contact them again once this/that yadda.
So I recontacted them after yadda annnnd…and they *cough*lanier*cough* turned me down again.
Figures.
Anyway, on the day that I recontacted them, I also filled out Contact Forms (atty groups have Contact Forms on their websites where you list all the personal information you ever had along with a brief description of why you need to talk to an atty so they can decide whether or not to call ya back) for several new-to-me law offices.
Eventually I spoke with an extremely nice SSI/SSD (income and disability) lawyer in that “the first consultation is free” way and her opinion is that yes, I should definitely qualify for SSI and that after the application becomes active, we can “attach her name to it”. (Can’t attach her name to something until after it exists, lol)
FY, in the US it’s a federal law that, in situations like this, the attorney can’t collect a dime until after the client is approved and receives “back pay” if they’re owed any, so that’s good.
Y’all will be thrilled, I’m sure, to know that I have a telephone appointment to fill out the SSI application now scheduled…
…for DEC 28TH at 10:45am.
Read that again.
LawyerLady said that the way some of my information presents, a phone application would be my best bet (especially since I’m effectively housebound due to both mobility issues AND a no functioning car).
But…yeah, DEC 28TH at 10:45am.
Now, read this: LawyerLady told me it wasn’t unusual for people needing SSI to wait YEARS for their application to MAYBE be approved and that yes, most applications are denied the first time around over the slightest teeny tiny little thing.
Years.
Search “how long does it take to be approved for SSI in America”; you’ll see.
I asked her how I’m supposed to pay for power, water, phone/internet/cable, credit card, taxes, insurances, and all the dozen other “death by nibbles” bills that come with real life.
She had no answer.
Neither do I.
I can’t keep living off the kindness of strangers, much less the kindness of friends who have been so incredibly wonderful to me during this fucked up situation.
Let’s face it, in “modern day” American, I can’t afford to live.
I feel like all these situations are pushing pushing pushing me to an unfortunate but final solution, and sooner than later at that.
To be painfully blunt, I’m only still around now because of my pets and you guys.
And honestly, even if I *am* approved for SSI, it’s barely more than $800/month. Total. That would pay my credit card bill and the water bill.
Yep.
That’s it.
That’s what my government thinks I’m worth.
Slightly more than $800/month.
I could force it to work uncomfortably at, say, $1100/month if I had the medical and medications and home health care, etc., that SHOULD come as part of government aid, but…yeah.
Right now I am so disgusted and heart-sick and frustrated and depressed and anxious that I don’t even know why I bother anymore.
See, from when I was in the hospital a month last year onward, lots of people kept telling me to apply, that with my 2 amputations (same limb but yeah, technically I’ve had 2 amputations) I would “definitely” qualify, that “social security” would OF COURSE swoop in to save the day, and would hint that it would just take a month or two – of course the government wouldn’t make people in dire need wait months and months and years and years for desperately needed help.
And, more fool me, I believed them. Granted brain fog and general cluelessness (I’d never had to even think about stuff like that before) are to blame for some of my stupid gullibility, but of course I would believe the people who “knew more than I did” about that kind of thing. Why wouldn’t I??
Yes, the American government is, in fact, fine with making people in desperate need wait, suffer, and hopefully die first. Ok, surely not, but right now I’m a bit… bitter.
I definitely feel like I’m being pushed into dark realms of “why the fuck do I bother”.
Constant pain, constant worry, constantly unmet medical needs, constant lack of transportation, constant need for money, and a whole book’s worth of other problems I haven’t wanted to burden you guys with are NOT conducive to wanting to prolong life.
Right now, I just don’t see the point especially when I don’t see any sunshine on the horizon. I mean, I don’t even have an appointment to FILL OUT THE APPLICATION until late December! I really want to fade from this sometimes-beautiful but mostly horrible world and be done with it all. Can you blame me?
Maybe my next life won’t be such a painful failure?
Oh, but hey, I do have food stamps…but they don’t pay for pet food or toilet paper or paper towels or dish washing liquid or food containers or toothpaste or vitamins or shampoo or… I guess we poors are supposed to fix our food in filth??
Gaagh.
Nevertheless, I persist. I’m just damn well fucking sick of all the kicks to the gut, though. I try so hard…
Too bad crying doesn’t pa the bills or fix any of my other hundreds of problems. Somebunny win me that big lottery???
Thank you for listening to my travelogue on my life’s foul, shitty-these-days journey. Truly. I absolutely recognize that some of you have truly terrible problems in your own lives and yet you’re extending your kindness and friendship to me anyway – there are gloriously and fantastically special places in The Great Beyond for you angels. Depending on what I know of your beliefs, I do pray for/send the Very Best vibes/good juju to you.
You rock my world and I wish I could rock yours right back.
Ok, we all know that I suck at human’ing these days, right? If I can get it wrong, fuck it up, hit it sideways, I for damn sure will. Between COVID, the ensuing Long COVID, the unexpected death of my Dad, the emergency amputation (my second, go me?), fog brain (see Long COVID) which fucks my life up at every opportunity, and the FLM’s, well, flightiness, amongst other issues, things are not going well for me.
For the past 2.5+ years.
To that end, I had recently bitten several (BIG ASS’D) bullets, swigged down several bottles of (totally imaginary) 100-proof rot-gut, girded my mythical loins, and applied – again – for social services assistance.
I was denied the first time around “back when” which made me feel like unwanted one-legged trash. You have no idea how very, very much I despise doing that kind of paperwork especially after last time, how much I despise talking on the phone…it’s all one humongous gooey slimy ball of hide-under-the-bed anxiety for me.
But I got started anyway.
Even though the last time I tried I was denied. (That really hurt, y’all.)
Which increased “this time’s” anxiety x infinity.
So, good news: I am eligible for some food assistance – yay, food is good.
So, bad news: I am NOT eligible for “disability”, which sucks abject ass because that part took SO LONG to jump through the hoops that NOW the power bill, water, phone/internet/cable, credit card, and several others are due and I HAVE NO MONEY TO PAY THEM.
If things had gone the way they’re supposed to, shit would be settled by now and while I would NOT have been “swimmin’ in tha dough”, I could have at least paid the bare-necessity bills and things would have been, well, good-enough.
But nooooooooooo….
If I’d KNOWN I would be denied, I would have spent THAT time applying for SSI (Supplemental Security Income) instead – it’s a different thing from “disability” and bases its decision on a different sort of criteria. I’ve heard from several trustworthy people who know about it that it’s hellishly hard to get, that the hoops they make you jump through are more along the lines of “harassment” than anything, and that I desperately need an “advocate” to help me do it.
So of course I tried for “disability” first. Common sense, right?
*pfft*
SSI takes lots of “running around” to get since it’s based on a person’s inability to work. Running around?? Ha! I don’t HAVE transportation. I do have a car…that doesn’t run…that I can’t physically GET to simply because I can’t WALK that far. I don’t have literally ANY friends who live anywhere near my area anymore. I could maybe hire the lady who (isn’t very dependable) comes by one day a week “3 weeks out of 5” to put my trash into the outside trash can for city pick-up but…that takes moolah. *sigh* Eh, the extended list of tragic little problems that nibble away at my soul is way too long to bore you guys with here.
So, while I *can* eat (a little), within a few days I won’t be able to cook, or see, or be online, flush my toilet, talk on the phone… Why am I even still alive at this point??
I just do not know what to do. Part of it is the brain fog (it really can be a very serious problem), and a whole freakin’ lot of it is INCREDIBLE amounts of anxiety (how could I not me????), and part of it is EXTREME frustration and IRATE-NESS at a whole butt-load of shit BUT ESPECIALLY having wasted very precious time applying for the one assistance that I – unknowingly, but hindsight = 20/20 – would be denied when I could have at least been in the process of applying for the one I’m slightly more likely to be granted…eventually…after jumping through every hoop invented by heartless bureaucrats. Maybe.
Got any handy-dandy thoughts, prayers, good juju, vibes, rich great-uncles hanging around? Send’em my way, please. Feel free to kick my ass, too – I am so, so, SO frustrated at myself for (agreed, unknowingly, but this shit really sucks) wasting so much time on the one application process only to be denied when I could have been spending that time…UGH!!!!! If I had been approved, I could have at least, if nothing else, called up the necessary-for-life companies and TOLD them that “money is expected to be deposited on X date” and worked something out with them.
But noooo…. I’m not allowed to have luck THAT good.
Well, let’s wrap up the pathetic whine’ry. Thank you for coming to my TED Whine??? I’m gonna go cry some more. I feel like such a disappointment, such a loser. I try so, so hard and then shit like this just keeps happening.
Ok, so in my brilliance I decided to wait a bit to give any straggling readers a chance to pop in and comment…then a head cold caught me (Why would we CATCH a cold? Seems like a dumb thing to do, ya know, like…who tf is running around CATCHING colds??) so I was singularly unimpressed with the world for a while…then FALL ALLERGIES struck.
NOW that colds have been flung off and the allergies have settled a little and everyone who would comment has done so, WE HAVE RESULTS!
THE WINNER: ANYTHING! LOL! You guys are the best!! THE WINNER-WINNER: THE MOON!
You, my kind, wonderful, kick-ass readers have spoken! I’mm’a have to do a thorough reread complete with note-taking and whatever level of focus my fog-brain will allow, but thankfully I still “feel” the “tone” that first sparked the story. The loneliness they both felt at first, that disconnected feeling they unknowingly shared, that “I have everything I thought I wanted but now that I have it, it’s just not…right” realization that, yeah, they both unknowingly share… Hopefully FLM will agree with me and direct my fingers into heroic feats of FINALLY FINISHING THE STORY.
Is this where I’m supposed to admit that I had the beginnings of a new plot the other day? I mean, it might have been the cold meds or oxygen deprivation or something but…yeah, I had to stop myself from typing the premise out of respect for all the UNFINISHED stories that litter my past like bad decisions made at 2am in questionable Waffle Houses.
*sigh*
Those were the nights…
The 4-minute fries were great but the coffee was awful.
Your reviews, btw, made me smile. And made me a little weepy. All prayers, all good vibes and juju, all good thoughts, are ABSOLUTELY appreciated more than you know. You guys really are a cut above – the true cream of the reader crop. Thank you for that. I don’t deserve it, but I really do appreciate it.
So…gimme a bit to do the reread/notes/playing with the brain-fog, then we’ll see if the FLM returns to roost for a bit. Hey, it’s getting colder (shockingly fast at that!) so maybe she’ll wanna rest on a warm shoulder??
At least it’d give my cats something to stare at…well, one would. The other would want food. Again. The dog would just give me a judgemental side-eye and go back to sleep. She’s old; she’s allowed.
Ok, time to wrap up the meanderings – thank you again for your kindness, your patience, and your support. You all deserve the best and most snuggliest vampires who clean houses AND do the windows!
~Mer
PS: Now watch, I’ll get part-way through Moon then BAM – inspiration will strike for a totally different story… FLM is truly not a dependable figment…
But I couldn’t figure out how to do one with the wonky layout WP has now.
So, write in the comments (*sigh* if the comment section is actually showing right then – if not, the just refresh until it magically appears…) WHAT STORY YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO WORK ON FIRST.
Yeah, you heard me.
I can PROMISE nothing, nothing at all, but I am definitely interested in finding out which of my WIPs y’all would most like my muse to visit if that FLB will agree to do so.
She hasn’t been around in quite some time what with death and amputations and brain fog and pandemics and personal losses and the fact that, yeah, she’s a flighty little bitch and I don’t blame her a bit... But I need something pleasant to concentrate on. No idea if it will do any good, but hell, nothing else is working.
Whu-whaa??
See, despite my best efforts and prayers and pleas to the universe, my life is going even further down into that damnable shitter – “money” has plummeted to the point that I’m not sure which bill I can pay this month and that gut-twisting panic is taking “mood” and “health” right along with it.
Talk about a hay ride from hell. DO. NOT. RECOMMEND.
Now that I know all too well how cold and cruel the world really is, I desperately need to force my attention elsewhere, especially while I still have power, to try to keep from focusing solely on what a pathetic waste my life is. Keep in mind that whichever fic “wins”, lol, will have to be reread with a fine-toothed comb (why did I make some of my plots so twisty??), so please don’t expect anything soon. Or at all…I know I’m worthless. (FREE ADVICE: DON’T HAVE BAD HEALTH AND BRAIN FOG IN AMERICA.)
And on a totally different and completely unrelated note,anybody got any Cliff’s Notes on my stories?? Inability to focus and concentrate have severely impacted my ability to even remember my plot weavings, much less keep them straight, and THAT RIGHT THERE is the main reason my writing has suffered.
So, if you still have a favorite WIP fic after All This Time (and OMG thank you if you do!!!), please let me know in the sometimes-appearing comments section which one it is, and if there are more than one, please list them in order.
And know that you guys are the best readers a writer could ever have. Yes, I admit it, I still go back and read y’all’s comments and reviews when my soul needs a little nudge. I also know that I’ve lost a lot of readers/followers over time because I’m no longer a productive member of the fanfom, and that’s totally understandable, but to those of you who have stuck by me, who have reached out and become genuine friends with me despite my failures and giganto boxes of whine, you badasses are the fucking BEST. You deserve literal gold for putting up with me and I heartfully appreciate every single one of you.
Ok, I’ll hush up now and wish y’all the best day. Hugs and obligatory PayPal link below as well as a hopefully-appearing comment box…if it decides to show…
Addicted to Godric...Eric...Andre...(Sevrin) 