(this draft is several years old but I’m going to publish it unedited, as most of it still describes how I function now. Maybe what changed more since then is how elliptic my ordinary use of words has become.)
These last months have been very intense on the front of routines: new job, new city, new people, new hardware, and most of it still not in its final form. I navigated the rapids with unexpected success and most always with the smile of confidence, but there were moments underwater that were honestly frightening.
It made me reflect on the difficulties I had to face in my life so far, and I can’t really connect the biggest changes with the highest perceived stress. I traveled alone to South Africa and worked there: it was challenging, but I never felt overwhelmed, for sure not anywhere near the overwhelming feeling I had in way more ordinary life situations in the years afterwards.
I have an intuitive model about mental modes, so far including two options: emergency mode and standard operations mode. When I’m in emergency mode, I take decisions without thinking how much they cost, because the only goal is getting the task done. Of course this is not sustainable on the long run, but it has been inevitable too often in the past. The standard operations mode, that I was able to enjoy only for brief periods of time, has enough mental buffer space to allow me to budget my energy expenses and have several weeks of planning ahead, with focus on sustainable usage of resources – and scheduling breaks, which are simply not allowed, even if possible, during emergency mode. The main marker of standard operations mode is me being able to fully breathe. The fact that I spent most of my life on various levels of holding my breath is plain wrong, but I’m here to tell the story, which was not the most likely outcome.
What I noticed is that when I’m in one of the modes, it is the mode that I apply in all domains – at home, at work, with friends, alone. The trigger to emergency mode can come from anywhere and will cascade the switch in all other domains. This sounds obvious, but the consequences are dramatic.
While writing this, I notice how incredibly obvious it sounds to even define such modes, especially for people who mostly live in standard operations mode. Coming from the opposite front (sic), my default is the emergency mode, and it’s so ingrained that it became the most straightforward decision path: I would need to actively stop and rethink most default actions, which costs in itself extra time and often extra energy. But maybe the biggest struggle is the clean switch to standard operations mode. I rarely have the confirmation that it’s safe to do so, and I have too much to lose by being less than ready to fight/flight.
Luckily I at least know the feeling of standard operations mode, so what I need to do is to find a way to rebuild the conditions for it. For me the solid ground that I need under my feet is made of clear expectations, and announced changes – if they are announced, I can get ready for anything, while every single surprise is a problem. I know I may look over-sensitive, but I want to be upfront, and I want to give other people accurate information about how I function.
That’s all I can write for now about the topic. I have a few more related posts in mind, and will cross-link them accordingly.