Must it be done?

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I feel too vulnerable.

Something has hitched itself at the back of my throat and this lump refuses to go away. I tried to swallow the pain and rub my eyes, I even tried rubbing my hands on dirt and shutting myself up when all i wanted to do was cry, but that lump, it has reached my heart now. Sometimes we feel too powerless, too helpless to carry on with this life. It feels like we should always be on a run because there is someone out there, running behind us with a knife. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves always comes with the risk of losing it all and i often question myself, was i ever ready for that? All my life I have lost one or the other thing and to think that life after years would be any different, would bring any respite was just a foolish thought.

This conflicted mind that is often torn between feeling it all and feeling nothing at all, wants to jump off a cliff and never look back. It wants to be awake to hear that thud when it finally crashes with the rocks at the bottom of that deep and steep cliff but life seldom gives us a change to die and when it does, we aren’t ready. All my life people have disappointed me so much but what has more disappointed me, is my heart. I might not make any sense and this may all seem like a rant but the noise of all these thoughts that trigger my anxiety, leave me numb. There were days when i wanted to feel it all; the love, the friendship, failure, the heartbreak, denial, trauma, happiness, joy, success and life and now these are the days when i just want to shut my mind and my eyes to all the light that pierces my consciousness, telling me that that the world is miserable but what is more miserable is that you are still alive, you still believe in love and you still believe that it is all going to okay and that people will stop disappointing you one day. And truth be told, the light isn’t lying. I have been lying to myself since long. My fault was to be human; to feel, to love and to be vulnerable. People came and stepped all over me. My heart still beats for people, i still have rooms reserved for people, I still believe that we all deserve the best but when i look at it all, it is all just an illusion; an illusion that i created so that i don’t go mad. But finally I am going mad. I don’t want to feel what i am feeling right now; the love, the frustration. the jealousy, the loss, the separation and the truth of life.

Once and for all, I want to shut my heart to all that comes its way. I want to release myself of this torment of having and losing, of denial and acceptance, of hurt, of love and and of feeling alive. To not feel vulnerable means not to be human at all, but is that the price I am willing to pay?

With hope.

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Up until now I did maintain my narrative: “Delhi is a deranged city where people are devoid of looking at stars. Such absolute shame!” but in an over populated, over-crowded and over polluted city like Delhi, if, after a soft drizzle, you keep looking deep into the sky, have a little patience, clear your eyes and make sky your only love for some time; you can see stars twinkling. Though just three or four but you sure will!

This reminds me of a concept that I might have forgotten and kept locked in the darkest drawer of my congested, busy and dark life: Hope. It reminds me how we ought to have hope no matter what.

I read it somewhere that it is very difficult for anyone to strip off hope from the consciousness of an ordinary man. Because really what are ordinary and common people like us left with if not Hope? We can hope for far fetched fictions to turn into beautiful realities. We can Hope for a white rose in a cold desert. We can Hope for anything and everything. So why don’t we? Have we so lost ourselves in the hum-drum of this world that we have suddenly stopped believing?

Once upon a time I hoped of owning a room full of chocolates, so many that they would never end no matter how many I ate. I believed in the hope that if after a power cut I close my eyes long enough and then open them, the light bulb will glow. I believed in so many hopes. Though nothing like that happened but I can have a job and buy as many chocolates as I want. We passed years and my family could afford an inverter. Hopes become realities but only if we believe in them.

I know this is a far fetched concept and that for many hope is hoping against hope but man oh man, if I and you, the weirdest miracles of nature can live and walk this mighty earth, then anything is possible. Even Hope!

Sometimes people leave us behind!

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Have you ever wondered what happened to all those people whom you were good to? Do you wonder if they still remember you, or how you talk or what are your interests or what fascinates you or how are you putting up with life?

Well if you give your contact list a little scroll you will notice people who no longer notice your memories or people for whom you barely exist. It is quite heart-breaking to know that people who were once so importat for you have left you behind.

I recently had the honor of coming face to face with this truth. I spent half of my conscious teen life amidst a lot of people; people I dated, people who were my friends, people with whom I have shared a fair amount of my fears and people I voraciously loved and invested my time in and people who really mattered. Once upon a time my fairy tale like life had a long list of friends but now it has been filtered to three or four. Quite fascinating right?

I have realized that life is a sum total of moments, fragments of moments that we live. Our life is a memory, a constantly evolving memory and when I think about mine, it was a mere lie. People to whom I gifted my moments, don’t even remember me. They never even bothered to know if I was alive. It has dawned on me that I was never enough for these people who were so hungry for validation that they preyed on the next visible thing. I wouldn’t say they were the only ones at fault, I too was. I guess, I too needed some validation, but their validation and mine differed. Humans are hungry for love and care, it is imbibed in the basic nature of a human being, I too was but I could never bring myself to hurt someone just to get that small amount of lowly validation. I guess that is where emotional freaks are misunderstood. People think of them as weak creatures, they are preyed on for caring and loving too much. I too was.

I always tried to be faithful, good, obedient, lovely, caring, social and all the positive adjectives but not anymore. If life has taught me anything, it is that people whom you consider permanent don’t even consider you temporary. For them you are lowlier than a fling. Be it people whom you called friends or lovers or confidants, they sure leave you behind.

My Knight in the shining armor told me once, don’t give any tom dick and harry even the least amount of control over your life. Don’t be easily accessible, because people are in a habit of walking in a house with an open door on a winter night. They even feel free to sleep over, make a fire, eat and drink but they leave when it is sunny outside and don’t even bother to shut the door behind. So, learn to filter people, for every one isn’t worth knowing your fears, your weakness and everyone isn’t worth of your love and time and care. Don’t make people your permanents because people have a habit of leaving you behind.

I would like to believe…

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I would like to believe that I am a goddess, not that it is allowed in our religion or there is anything like that, but I would still like to believe this absurd fact that I am a goddess. Why does it seem so inappropriate to you, like you want to laugh your guts out? Well if I look at the fact, i can make stars appear and disappear. I can make people fall in love with me. I can make awesome cold coffee and great friends. I have the body of a goddess and face like Helen of Troy, Faustus has spoken to me in my dreams and said, “Was this the face that launch‘d a thousand ships, / And burnt the topless towers of Ilium.” And I have always vehemently agreed with him.

There is so much in this world that is non-existent to others but to your eyes it is a yet another beautiful universe enfolding its colorful petals. Others might laugh at you, “Are you serious? Have you gone nuts? There is something wrong with you? Weird!” And so many things. But hey, how does it matter? Well I have managed to laugh at all these things. I tell them, “Dude, you can kiss my ass!”

I believe in what I know, at least for me my belief is authentic. It doesn’t need anyone’s legitimization or approval, I know about the things that I believe in. So, I do believe that I am a goddess, I can make anything happen but hey do you think proclaiming ones self a goddess is sacrilegious? Well bless you, you cant even catch a metaphor.

So what do you think, can you make stars appear and disappear? Oh come on, close your eyes and open them again. See, you are a goddess too, you just need to believe in what your heart tells you. Because believe me, hearts never lie. You need to believe the way the muscles of your heart align themselves when they look at something. You need to believe in fairies too, isn’t your mother or your best friend one? Well I would like to believe so, would you?

Just Write!

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Since days i have been contemplating to write, write to free myself from all the chains that held me back. I think i have quite lost my touch with writing. For many reading is a voracious habit but i have always found myself a bit distant from that great habit. Reading is a great way to put your monsters at rest or maybe for sometime put them in different dungeons. Reading announces us to so many different universes at the same time that we loose touch with the train of thoughts that keeps riding and riding and riding. I, myself, find calm in writing, an elite habit i guess or what i like to call it. But since centuries i have indulged in writing poetry that sometimes i think prose must be given a revision.

Over years i have tried to maintain diaries only to burn them at the end and have had the habit of writing letters to people i love but have always regretted sending them away. Now, since 4 months i have been wandering the streets of busy Delhi and thinking that these streets, devoid of emotions, call for some prose. I wish something, anything, could get all this monstrosity out of my mind, the kind that consumes me day in and day out but then i remember a wise saying, “What cannot be cured, must be endured!”

So I am back, now with less poems and more prose. Maybe i can make sense of things by writing long paragraphs with distorted meaning or maybe I might find rest. Who knows? But i guess it is all worth trying; TO JUST WRITE!

The darkness…

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The darkness has engulfed me like the wails of a grief stricken mother. It whispers mad whims in my ears and lets the demons loose inside my head. I have lost a long time ago. A withered rose has blossomed in the deep cavity of my marauded land centuries back. I held on to the hem of a torn hope for long—the cloth has torn apart and I have landed in the land of despair.

It isn’t bad to accept defeat.

Indeed it isn’t! So here am I—veiling myself in darkness, looking in the already broken mirror of my psyche,

clenching my knees with feeble fingers from the fear of falling, accepting that even a mighty lover can be defeated. A lover who never knew any might except love, falling to her knees and begging insanity to coffin her living corpse in the eternity of nothingness.

Here I am accepting my defeat, my fall and the obliteration of my belief that love can heal him or the least—fix me

©AimanPeer

Nothing stays

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Temporary, temporary, temporary!

This is the truth.

Everything in this life and world is temporary for nothing is meant to stay. Relationships, wealth, happiness, sadness, love, care, life and problems; everything is just temporary. I didn’t ever feel this word so deeply as I do it now. Things that I thought will stay for eternity, slip through my hands and I am but a helpless spectator, who is living the already designed life. I was never quite good with friendship, love, care and other emotions. These things never stayed too long. I never understood them, evaluated them and felt them too much. They just drift like a shadow in the dark, never to be found again. 

Things change and it is rightly said that “Change is the only constant”. I can feel it now. I almost though that my life was complete, that I had nothing to mourn over, to cry over. But now things are different. I invested too much in something that was never meant to stay and now there is a void, a void too deep to be filled. But there is nothing in my power. I can’t change what happened but yes I can choose the things that are to happen in future. It is my life, why should I let someone influence it in a bad way.

People never adjust too well to the changing circumstances, they never accept that things will always be this way now. The truth is too much for them, for the loss of certain things leave them numb and the dreams that they had decorated so well lie shattered on the floor of reality. I don’t blame them, after all they are just humans. Endurance crosses the level sometimes and the loss is too deep to bear. But what is the fun of mourning over something that was never meant to be yours? Why to wait for something that is never going to happen? Life is too short and we owe certain things to this damn life. We owe it happiness, a smile, contentment and patience. 

Live! For there just one life and people come and go. what matters is that the loved ones still live in our hearts. They aren’t separate, they aren’t too far. They stay close, closer than your heartbeat. You have given them a room in your heart and their essence will always stay. 

One Day !

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They all said it will be okay someday, that this pain will fade and the mornings will again be bright and beautiful. But it has quite never been the same since this world left me broken and robbed me off my happiness. I always wake up full of spite for this world and the people who wear masks every time they are around you. The worst thing is that we are so poor at judging these people that we let the barriers of our hearts down and let them in. All this treachery taught me a million things, made me a better human and I understood that in this world it is so important to feel and to hold on to the true essence of emotions. No matter what, this world is going to break us and tear our souls apart but one thing that we shouldn’t let it take from us is the hope for a better tomorrow, the faith that it will be all okay one day. We have got to hold onto our pieces so tightly that we can stick them together and rise a new.

It has been quite a while since I have come in terms with my true self. Some years back I was too weak and too fragile to handle myself but then I understood that if it is not me who is going be my own saviour than no one will. People are too busy in judging others, hating them, using them, manipulating them. They are too weak to love and it seems that this whole world doesn’t know the true essence of love. They always tell me that I am an emotional fool and I give in too easily but I guess this is what first broke me and then re-built me. It is completely okay to feel too much, to love too deeply, to be hurt and to be broken. This is what makes us a human. Being emotional is not a fatal flaw it is the beauty that they fail to recognise.

This absurdity in my thoughts and the chaos that they create just want to convey that no matter how dark it is and no matter how much they have broken US. But one day it is all going to be okay, that yes one day this will all fade into oblivion, that all the scars we carry will be the souvenirs of the battles we fought and won. One day the mornings will again be bright and happy and that one I will too wake up with lots of love and happiness in my heart, that this spite will one day turn into the garden of love. Everything that has ever happened will turn into lessons that we will always cherish.

One day we all will reach this “One day” for there is always a hope for such one day. we will never give up and never lose faith for we should belive that we are far more worthy than this whole damn world tell us we are. No matter we will break everyday but we willl never let ourselves shatter. We will never give this world the satisfaction of a win.

They will never win. We are not going to let them.

——Inkofmysoul

FOREVER…

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When silence spreads around my mind,
A short calmness with cries echoes
Your name repeated like a verse untouched
My breaths conspire against my breaths.
Like a flower waiting for that life-giving dawn
I long each day for the dew of your love.
With freckles around my neck and feet
I shudder like a fish deprived of water. 
I wonder if you ever would know this pain?
I wonder if you would ever cross my way?
This world is so small and roads connected
yet I wonder why don’t our roads cross?
This waking dawn and setting sun
leave me with stories so long,
with no you to share them with
they seem like haunting me all.
I could have asked for you in my prayers,
but I know you were never meant for me.
With all these broken pieces in the lap of my life
I will wait for you until the end and forever.

||Inkofmysoul||