If you look back, you will see I choose a word every year to use as my mantra. These words usually find me somehow, and always make an Impact.
I considered rejection, with all its distressing connotations. Over the past 6 months I have had to come to terms with rejection and the feelings of hurt, inadequacy and sadness that come up when I feel questioned or stressed. A few small incidents became exaggerated from this happening. I wanted to quit my job (that I really like) and move away….escaping rather than facing the why of my own reactions.
Instead, I stayed. And really asked myself what was happening. Recognizing that this was past experience coming up was eye opening. Old pain from my divorce, from being laid off, uncertainty of retiring, having to plan for the future, money. I didn’t realize how much I had avoided addressing these things, and how unwilling I had been. I rarely to let myself grieve or acknowledge my past pain and sadness.
Once I really saw this, it was like a light came on. I had been trying to protect myself from being hurt and instead I was hiding! And it made me overly defensive. It doesn’t serve me to live in fear. I have way too much life ahead. Like everything, acknowledging this made it so much less powerful. Rejection isn’t a word I need for 2025.
So…
I ran into a friend recently who is big on Bob Proctor. I love Wayne dyer and am an avid reader of anything that changes my mindset or opens my eyes. So, I got bob proctors book, Change your Paradigm, Change Your Life. One recommendation has been to listen to a recording of earl nightingale talking about attitude.
At 53, with Covid in the rear view, I need a bit of a wake up call. I have gained weight and am no where near as active as I was. I nap a lot. I have a long history of disordered eating and excessive exercising and struggle with a balance between buying into the diet industries focus on inadequacy, and pretending everything is fine when it isn’t.
I believe in unconditional self acceptance as the way to find happiness in life today. And, at the same time, I think I can allow for a desire to move more and improve my overall health and wellbeing. It is my attitude towards this that I can control, and use to motivate myself.
Even a few listens to Earl have been enlightening. I am going to take this year to explore and so, My word for 2025 will be attitude.
If you choose a word please let me know! And don’t forget, sober, you can do anything.
I can still remember the depressed, anxious and very brittle woman I was back then. I looked very good from the outside – professional job , married, boy/girl, beautiful home, stylish and fit.
Inside I hated myself and wished often I would just not wake up. I was tired of lying to myself that I would drink less and very scared of how compulsive my desire to drink was.
Quitting was not really planned. I decided that year that my gift to myself for my 42 birthday (the 8th) would be a year of sobriety. I didn’t need to be sober, I just needed to get myself under control.
Needless to say it became clear that alcohol was part of all my problems. Without it I was able to start addressing my clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I will never forget waking one day and feeling like the clouds had parted and I could see the sun. I hadn’t realized how grey my life was.
It turned out all the things I resented, my husband, kids my job, family, body, were actually gifts. It was all perspective. Perspective clouded by addiction. My life was worth living.
These 11 years have had some huge ups and downs. In the lowest of the lows I wanted to drink to self destruct. Instead, I have realized my path forward is to ask for help. I can be stubborn and independent…but when I admit I need others it always helps.
Thank you all for sharing this journey with me. Stillness and peace
It appears it will be another scary fire season up here. I suppose that is one part of living in the middle of the Canadian wilderness that people don’t consider. Sigh.
Otherwise, I am enjoying my work, I am going on a helicopter ride of the area next week and a ground truthing exploration with some elders and an oil company later in the month. I am learning a lot…especially about indigenous culture. It’s amazing. who knew that at 52 I could be so excited to go to work!
For anyone just finding me, lol, I still believe sobriety was the first step back to living life. Lots has happened, but i continue to choose me.
Milo is also doing well. Since his surgery was unsuccessful he remains a vegetarian, special dog, lol. I truly hope he lives a long life this way. He’s my best little buddy and his love brightens every day.
In her book “Daring Greatly,” Brown indicates that foreboding joy is one way you subconsciously try to protect yourself from vulnerability.
Foreboding joy says: If I don’t feel extremely happy, I won’t feel extremely disappointed.
My life is good. My new job is going well, the people are truly wonderful and I feel valued and respected for my experience. the work is already interesting, the travel has been nice and I have been to two hockey games in private suites! Money is also nice…lol
My kids are both living with me and inching towards independence slowly. Neither have a clear plan for their lives (lol, does anyone at 18 or 20? Or 52?), but they are also not too worried. They are good people and they make my days fulfilling.
My health feels ok. I’m focusing on a cleaner and more planned diet, with lots of vegetables and less French fries and my body like it. I am sleeping better and moving easier.
And even as I read this I worry. Is it ok to recognize things are currently good? Is this fear foreboding joy, as Brene brown says? Is it a self protective mechanism I have used to try to stay as neutral as possible?
I know my desire to be zen and unwavering isn’t always helpful and that it means dimming the good to try to stop the bad. It has never worked in the past. I am not a robot.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS applies to the good and the bad. Things will change at some point in a way I cannot possibly know. Not because of anything I do, but just because that is how this life goes. Everything is unfolding exactly as they are supposed to.
I feel happy. I am allowed to be happy. I should enjoy the happy.
I expect there will be some more disappointments inmy life. They won’t be because I was happy today.
This post is a reminder to myself. You have done hard things and still you can look around, right now, and feel joy. What a gift. allow it Anne.
In December I planned to take some time, not sub so much and really think about what I wanted to do next. I was tired and realized I hadn’t really done this.
Ha. The universe laughed. Right after I decided this I had a couple people contact me from my old job, asking if they could pass my name on. I thought about it, but decided, why not.
Well, a lovely woman contacted me from a local First Nations group. They were looking for a technical manager to provide industry expertise….and wanted a local person.
I had 28 years of local industry experience, with emphasis on regulatory and environmental affairs. Seemed perfect.
But….wasn’t i going to take time? should i say no?
My initial no, turned into coffee. The company addressed all my concerns and met all my requests. I couldn’t say no.
And today was day one of my latest adventure.the people are wonderful. The coffee was delicious. They had a nameplate ready on the wall. I was so welcomed….i feel so good.
In the mean time, between offer and today, I spent a week in Hawaii, on my own. I even learned to snorkel and surf! Me! Both were hard!
My word for 2024 is go. I am going to stop thinking so hard and just go with it! So far, so good!
This was the view from my room. I left Alberta at -40 C and spent a week at 27c. It was paradise.
A lot has happened over those years. Some happy, much difficult and traumatic.
I managed it all without alcohol.
I realized in year 1 that I had been biding my life away, looking into the wine glass and wondering where my life had gone. I was so depressed and disappointed and tired. I thought it was me…
Turns out, this is alcohol. It sucks you in and then eventually down to where life is small and bleak
I have a lovely life. And I have infinite possibilities.
Thank you to anyone who continues to follow my journey. I hope my candour encourages you to leave the poison behind and find freedom.
Yesterday I taught my first yoga class since March 2020 when Covid shut everything down. It was lovely. My yoga class is called Finding Stillness. It is yin yoga and yoga nidra. During the class yesterday I had a real awakening.
I need to be still.
I have been subbing a lot of jr and sr high. I am enjoying it. I really like the kids.
That said, I realize I have not given myself space to pause and consider what I want the next chapter to be. When I was laid off at the end of July I was busy – I had a trip, I had paperwork and it was summer. Then school started and I started subbing. I started thinking I would try 2 days a week and now I am usually there every day.
It is great and I really love the students, even when it’s challenging, but it is also extremely mentally draining. some days I cover 3 or 4 different classes. So much attendance, reading plans, noise, change.
I had worked at the same company for 27 years – starting immediately after graduation from university. At 51 (for 2 more weeks, lol) I have infinite possibilities ahead of me. This is scary! And I can see I’m filling my time rather than contemplating.
Someone asked me if I could consider the next year a sabbatical. My severance cover a couple years of income. I have savings. I have a pension. I am good. Yet when asked to sub I feel the “I should” both because they need subs, but also for the money. Why? Well, I suppose that is what the stillness will tell me.
Doing, for me, is always easier than pausing and being still. Do, perform, achieve, do more. Don’t think too much.
No, that is not how i want to live my life. I want to be inspired. And I think I need some space to allow that to happen.
Next week I reach 10 years of continuous sobriety. It is amazing how quickly time passes…
Thank you for listening. If you have any advice, I would love it!
I was laid off/packaged off/made redundant? 2 weeks ago.
It was a shock. I knew the company was doing lay offs. Suncor had announced a 15% reduction in staff positions…but as a 27 year syncrude employee I guess I had always felt somewhat safe here in the north and at the plant, even as Syncrude became Suncor.
So. I went to work, got to my office, was invited to a meeting (not unusual) and was read the one line….we are restructuring and you are no longer part of our future. No returning to my office – someone would pack my things and send them to me.
A review of exit paperwork and then the longest wait ever. No one had thought to call a taxi and so we waited an hour for one as my work location was 45 km outside of town and I took the company bus in that morning.
I will say it was all a blur. I shed a couple shocked tears, but mostly listened without comprehending and then waited with the hr rep(who I know). Along the way and other friend stopped us in the lobby asking what we were doing and I just told him the truth. It made it real.
I think the thing that hurt me the most was leaving that way in the taxi. After all these years, working my entire career there, and anticipating retiring from there in 3 years, I had envisioned leaving with happy goodbyes and waves….funny how when things play out differently they feel so wrong. At the same time, it felt final, and an ending. A closure I will probably be glad for some day.
As luck would have it I had vacation scheduled immediately after. I almost cancelled, but I decided to go. I spent the next week in Cape Breton Nova Scotia surrounded by family, swimming in the ocean and watching the sunset. It was the best vacation I have ever had and it reminded me that there is so much world out beyond northern alberta.
So. Here I am. I feel like a scared little bird that has had to be pushed out of the nest! I expect now I need to fly! I have no idea what my next plans are. I have a career coach provided for 4 months and will indulge in that. I need to get my house ready to sell. Both kids, who are 18 and 20, are in school here this year and so I think I will plan to remain until the spring. They will not stay past then either I don’t think.
My “word” this year had become infinite possibilities. I feel like this has materialized. I am excited to see what comes.
Needless to say, booze will not be part of my plans. As always, I can see, in the back of my mind, how easily I could let this become self destructive sadness. Unelected change is always hard.
But No. Syncrude was an excellent place to work and they provided me with so much for many many years. I am not going to allow a difficult corporate decision to change that.
Along my trip I drove by myself up the amazing coast of Nova Scotia to Buddhist monastery Gampo Abbey. I looked for a sign and this is what I found. Endings. Beginnings. Patience. Just like this amazing sunset I saw every night in Cape Breton…signs everywhere.
This is one decision I never revisit. There is absolutely nothing in my life that could be Improved with booze
Nine years of continuous sobriety, living life with open eyes and a full heart. Nine years full of moments of deep beauty and some deep pain. I am thankful for both.
This blog gives me a glimpse back into those years. I am grateful for everyone who encouraged me to continue writing, and for those who write themselves. Together we change the world.
I hope(plan) to be here for 10 next year, with little Milo laying beside me.
ainsobriety 