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An Open Letter to Selfie Nation

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Dear friends,

I have a complaint to lodge. This isn’t anything against you, but it’s against your actions. I’m afraid we’ve had a breach of social media etiquette, and I must address it tout suite. I’m seeing too many pictures of you. Just you. Taken up close or from a distance. Above your head or below. In the bathroom or on the street. So. Many. Pictures. That’s right. I’m complaining about your selfies.

“But Alex! Why do you care?! If I wanna post 10 pictures of myself per day, it doesn’t affect you at all!”  Oh no no, friends. You’re quite mistaken. If you’re takin’ selfies, they are most certainly affecting me. I’ve given you precious space in my Facebook or Instagram feed and that space is not to be violated with an overabundance of images of you. Sure, I could defriend you or unfollow you but I truly like you, dear friends. I do. In real life, I can barely tell you really love that ONE SIDE of your face so much because you seem completely normal in regular conversations!

I just don’t understand why you do this. Help me understand. Do the likes and comments pick you up after a bad day? Are you keeping a log of your aging, minute by minute? Are you pursuing a career in modeling? Have you been transported to a place where there are no other humans around? Is it because you think your friends, like me, really like it? Because if that’s the case, I’m gonna need you to stop.

Please don’t think it’s that I don’t like seeing pictures of you actually doing things or with your friends. Au contraire, I find them to be a relief – I started  thinking you were actually without fellow humans after all the pictures of just yourself. Please, bring on the pictures of your fun activities. I want to see more of your adventures. And a close-up picture of your face whilst on your adventure does not count. Maybe even some scenery in the background to illustrate where you actually are. Perhaps you and a nice tree. Even that would be better.

And it’s not that your looks are bad. Not at all. You are all quite beautiful, but I fear it might be becoming obvious just how much you think that about yourself, as well. And it’s not that I don’t like looking at your beauty, but I don’t need it in my feed every damn day, sometimes twice or three times (seriously, some days I feel like I see your faces more than I see my own). I just don’t. You don’t change. I could literally keep that one picture as a reminder of your beauty for at LEAST a week before I need to see another selfie.

That’s right! I’m not even saying please stop altogether, just stop the onslaught. You’re gonna give me a twitch. Do you really wanna give me a twitch? No. You don’t. So please, make it stop. I write this because I care and because friends don’t let friends overpost selfies.

xoxoxo

Alex

 

p.s. One last addition to my plea… Do you really wanna be in the same boat as Amanda Bynes, selfie-poster extraordinaire? I think we all know the answer to that question.

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Work-Life Balance and Social Media

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here – apologies to you fine folks who became followers of mine after my last post about Social Media and Age. As you might imagine, my lack of contributing to this blog has inspired tonight’s topic. See, I work in social media for a living. My job consists of being on Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, and Instagram all day. And that’s just the social platforms — if you throw in all the analytics tools and monitoring platforms I’m also on, combined with the blogs and news sources I read to ensure our client is up-to-date on the newest things, we’re talking 8 long hours of being glued to a computer. Even more than that, it’s 8 hours of being highly connected. Not just to friends and family, but sometimes complete strangers.

Needless to say, it gets exhausting.

I’m not saying my job is particularly more exhausting than other jobs. I’m well aware that there are many other professions that are just as tiring if not way more tiring than mine. But the unique quality of my job is that interconnectedness I have with the outside world 8 hours a day. No, more than 8 hours a day. Almost every waking moment.

See, that’s the other thing about working in social media: it’s hard to get away from it. Think about how many emails you have to resist checking on your phone when you get home – a lot, right? Okay, so imagine that, then add the Facebook notifications, Twitter pushes, and Instagram alerts, each one needing to be read. And we’re not even talking about your personal notifications. Throw those in, and you start to spend nearly your entire day on the internet. And then you start looking a little bit like this:

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But let me be clear: I really do love my job. Given the nature of social media, it’s constantly changing and keeping me on my toes. There is always something to learn – always a new challenge to figure out. The nerdy part of me loves the analytical side of things – the fact that you can directly measure the affect your content is having on the world. I wouldn’t trade a minute of my job, but just because I love it doesn’t mean I should spend my every waking moment doing it. I love a lot of things that I shouldn’t spend my entire day doing: watching crappy reality TV, taking a hot shower, working out, eating golden Oreos… All of these things would obviously be detrimental to me if I did them all day, yet I have no problem stopping them when it’s time.

So why is it so hard to shut down the need to work long after it’s time to do so? Because my personal time activities and my work activities have become seemingly the same activity.

Please don’t get me wrong. I do plenty of things in my personal time that do not involve my computer. I play frisbee and go hiking and hang out with friends. But by the end of the day, if I’m being totally honest with myself, I’ve usually checked Facebook at least three times. It’s just natural, sometimes I don’t even think about it.

But two weekends ago I went down to the beach for Memorial Day weekend, where we camped on the sand. There were no electrical outlets so minimal interaction with my phone was important, in case an emergency occurred and I needed it. As a result, I had no idea what was happening in the outside world. I only knew about our little bubble on the beach with the wild horses. It was beautiful. The feeling of being totally oblivious was so liberating, I found that in just a matter of days, the constant feeling of needing to be connected to the outside world had sort of melted away. And as much as I love what I do, it was something I needed.

It’s hard to get away from the outside world. We have phones that ping us whenever we get a phone call, text message, email, Facebook comment, retweet, favorite, new follower, etc. Combine that with just the sheer amount of time we spend on our computers and you can never unplug. And, quite frankly, there are some days I relish that. Like I said, I truly do love what I do. But it doesn’t mean I should let it get in the way of other things I truly love to do, as well. If I hadn’t spent those days disconnected down at the beach, I would have never known just how burnt out I was and, some days, just how much I’m missing out on around me. And that’s why I haven’t been here, friends. I burnt myself out. It won’t happen again.

So take a step back from the computer and go do what you love – completely shut off from the world of the internet. Even if it’s just for an hour a day. I promise it’ll be here waiting when you get back.

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Answering Your Questions & Welcome!

Wow. First, let me say that I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed by the amount of followers and comments I’ve received on my last article. All the comments have been so thoughtful and kind.

Secondly: Welcome! I think there’s few things that can make a person feel better than having people who actively want to read their material and you’ve inspired me to write more often.

Lastly, I want to respond to some of your questions and thoughts that you left on my last post. You took the time to write them, and I want to make every effort to take the time to respond to them.

“I am a marketing student at San Diego State University. Every professor has a different view on social media. I am convinced that you have to do what is best for your situation and follow your own metrics. What do you think?”

This is absolutely right. I’m currently putting together a report at my agency analyzing each platform and the metrics to look at when measuring your successes and failures on those platforms. What works on Facebook, won’t necessarily work on Tumblr. What’s good for Twitter sometimes isn’t the same choice to make on Instagram. This same line of reasoning can be applied on a brand by brand basis. Some brands are ripe for Facebook marketing, while they suffer on Twitter.

It all comes down to knowing your brand, identifying what goals are important to them, and measuring by those metrics — and if you’re really good at branding and knowing your brand markets, this will translate easily into social media if you have a steady handle on where the audiences you’re targeting live in those environments.

“I think fireandair makes a great point. If you’ve spent your life only hanging out with (and giving street creed to) people 2 or 3 years younger or older, it’s a hell of a shock to have to work with people (omg) who might even be your parents’ age — and who are not your parents. We’re just older, experienced, skilled people who expect professionalism in the workplace.”

Couldn’t agree more. I’m fortunate that I have a sister who is 9 years older than I am, and I’ve spent most of my life hanging out with her and her friends who are, in turn, sometimes 9 or 10 years older than her. I know I emerged from college with a much different mindset due to this (that, and I worked in an office nearly the entirety of my time in college). What I’m really trying to get at is that we can’t make blanket statements about entire age groups and we certainly can’t discount a younger or older candidate for their age if they have the skills and character for the job.

“I would like to add that it applies to other fields as well, experienced and drab has no meaning to Young, brilliant and Enthusiastic! Everybody should be judged according to an exam to test the applicant, whether young or old.”

It’s funny, when I first wrote this post I was so focused on social media and marketing (as that’s my field), but after speaking with someone who has started a few businesses, I realized that it truly does apply across the board. Good ideas and “chutzpah” know no age limit!

“Could asking an applicant what he/she has accomplished mitigate the age question?”

Yes and no. Credentials should matter more than age, for sure. But I think the right person with the right amount of drive can be the right candidate even if they don’t have a ton of accomplishments. However, in that case, I’d use a hypothetical in the interview. For example “We have this client, their goals are [x,y,z]. What would you do to help them reach those goals?” If they have some really outstanding recommendations that get you excited, then they could be even better than the person who has a laundry list of accomplishments!

“What I would like to add, based on my own person experiences is that many people tend to hire people that they feel will fit into their culture. Sometimes this means making presumptions based on their LinkedIn profile picture (read determining your age) and sadly this discounts all sorts of really qualified people that might actually fit into the culture. Age isn’t the only thing that determines the “culture:” of a company. Attitude is huge.”

So true! I used to work for a fairly laid back financial services firm (I know, is there even such a thing?) and assessing if a candidate would fit in the culture was definitely a mitigating factor of their employment offer. Conversely, it also stuck out like a sore thumb when they hired someone who just didn’t quite fit.

LinkedIn is simultaneously one of the greatest things to happen to the job market and one of the worst things to happen. While I think it’s a fantastic supplementary tool to do a little extra research on a candidate (or, if you’re weird like me, I like putting a face to people’s names), it should not be the determinant in hiring a person.

“Don’t underestimate the oldies, there are more coming into it every day so I say cater for everyone if you are in the know!”

Here, here!

 

 

Thanks again for all your input, everyone. And I’ll be back really soon with some new food for thought.

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Social Media: Age Doesn’t Matter

Okay, yes it does. Just like every marketing and advertising strategy, you need to know where your audience is. You need to know where you’re targeting and what age groups are where. Given a recent study from the Pew Research Center, it’s safe to assume that if you’re targeting millenials, you’re going to find them on social media (83% of social media users fall in the 18-29 age range).

So when it comes to social media, you need to know your market. However, when it comes to who is crafting your strategy, there have been a flurry of ageist attack blogs and articles in the social media community from both ends of the spectrum, a particularly vicious one coming from Cathryn Sloane  who argued that every Social Media Manager should be under the age of 25 in July of last year. Other articles argue that you shouldn’t hand your social media strategy to a 23-year-old, citing their inexperience and immature ways.

Look, I get it. Some out of college are inexperienced and immature. But conversely, some experienced professionals are out-of-touch and stubborn in their ways. Guess what? I wouldn’t hire either of them. I’d look at their accomplishments or fully listen to their ideas and choose from there. I think it’s so incredibly foolish to patently say, “You shouldn’t hire someone under or over x age, because their age group doesn’t know what it’s all about.”

I’m going to break down an article from Inc. written by Hollis Thomases that argues against hiring a 23-year-old as their social media manager, as well as Ms. Sloane’s article, picking out certain points and showing you why they just don’t hold up by using age as their argument.

1. “[A 23-year-old] may be focused on their own social-media activity. Because of the above, if you hire a young person to manage your social media, you may also need to need to worry about how he or she is actually spending his or her time. Will you need to be monitoring the person?” – Hollis Thomases

I’m sorry, this is a truly bizarre argument to base solely on age. Time management is an issue that knows no age limits. Certainly, your time management skills can get better with age, but there are plenty of people who never develop them. In my former job, I had 40-some year old coworkers watching ESPN at their desk, but I never heard HR say, “Oh, we can’t hire a 42 year old. They may be focused on the Sixers all day.” You know why? Because that’s a ridiculous argument.

Yes, 2o-somethings are active on social media. Yes, they’re more likely to focus on their presence. But the transitive property doesn’t apply here. Just because a 20-something is active on social media does not mean they are going to throw the rest of their work out the window so they can build up their presence. Besides, if you’re hiring a Social Media Manager for the right reasons, shouldn’t you want them to have an ear to the ground if they’re also getting their work done?

Employers worrying about their employees time management skills is always a concern among all employees. Not just their 20-something potential social media managers.

2. “After all, it is called social media; the seemingly obvious importance of incorporating comforting social aspects into professional usage seems to go over several companies’ heads. To many people in the generations above us, Facebook and Twitter are just the latest ways of getting messages out there to the public, that also happen to be the best.” – Cathryn Sloane

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Ugh. This made me cringe. Yes, there are a fair amount of companies out there who don’t totally “get” social media. Too many companies out there rely on “Like this if you like [insert something that everyone in the world likes, like puppies]!” to increase engagement. However, there are a lot of companies out there with brilliant social media strategies, and you can bet there are people “in the generations above us” who are either crafting or advising on those campaigns. Yes, sometimes really outstanding social media ideas and campaigns come from a twenty-something, or a group of twenty-somethings. But a lot of times, they also come from people older than 30. Or a mixed bag of ages.

3. “Communication skills are critical. Communication is critical to solid social-media execution. Before you let a young hire take over your company blog posts, take stock of his or her writing skills. Also: Many young people have not yet learned the “art” of communicating. Make sure they know how to read between the lines, rather than taking things too literally.” – Hollis Thomases

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Please tell me that you wouldn’t let some 41 year old you hired just write and publish things willy-nilly before taking stock of his or her writing skills, simply because they’re over the age of 30. This is ridiculous. Yes, you should check what a 23-year-old writes before publishing it. You should also check anyone else’s writing. You should even have your writing checked. It’s called good publishing practices.

4. “You might argue that everyone, regardless of age, was along for the ride, or at least everyone under the age of 30. I’m not saying they weren’t, but we spent our adolescence growing up with social media. We were around long enough to see how life worked without it but had it thrown upon us at an age where the ways to make the best/correct use of it came most naturally to us. No one else will ever be able to have as clear an understanding of these services, no matter how much they may think they do.” – Cathryn Sloane

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That’s like saying that because everyone in the ’90s grew up with computers that no one older could ever learn how to use them well. I guess their old, decrepit brains just can’t handle the speedy technology.

5. “Social-media savvy is not the same as technical savvy. Good social media requires a combination of both. Successful social-media management involves production requirements, tools, analytics, and other aspects of work.” – Hollis Thomases

Yes. This is absolutely true. And it has nothing to do with your age. Couldn’t you see this short-sighted point being in both this article AND Cathryn Sloane’s?

6. “Yet, every time I see a job posting for a Social Media Manager/Associate/etc. and find the employer is looking for five to ten years of direct experience, I wonder why they don’t realize the candidates who are in fact best suited for the position actually aren’t old enough to have that much experience.” – Cathryn Sloane

Okay. I get the frustration here. I think there are a lot of people out there who are being unfairly disqualified because of ageist beliefs. However, to Ms. Sloane, I’d argue that she needs to find a reason to wow those employers with her own social media presence or her innovative social media ideas. If the employer is the kind of person you want to be working for, they won’t look at age as the determining factor for hiring. I also take issue with the fact that she thinks the candidates best suited for being Social Media Managers are those in their twenties. Yes, some of them are but not because they’re in their twenties. It’s because they have amazing ideas and incredible drive. And those 30-somethings who are kicking ass in those positions possess those same qualities.

 

Don’t hand over your strategy to a twenty-something OR a thirty-something OR a forty-something if they don’t have the results, character, and ideas to back it up. Do recognize good ideas and drive. If you wouldn’t hire that person to do your regular marketing strategy, don’t hire them for your social media strategy, either. Sometimes aging does grow a more valuable and experienced professional, but it’s not required for some people. Don’t miss out on a great candidate because they’re “too young” or, alternatively, because they’re “too old”.

And, on behalf of all twenty-something social media professionals out there, I’m really sorry about Cathryn Sloane.

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Things Sustainability Could Learn on Social Media from SEO

You may not know this about me, but I used to work in sustainability. I absolutely loved the field but my real passion is for social media. It only made sense when iSpring Associates, a sustainability consulting firm based in Philadelphia, came to me to write an article for their February Buzz to have the focus be on the disconnect between sustainability and social media.  So, with that, I give you a new blog post:

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2,373,252. That’s how many times the word ‘finance’ has been mentioned on the Internet in the past 90 days.

1,934,289. That’s how many times the word ‘engineering’ has been mentioned on the Internet in the past 90 days.

376,043. That’s how many times the word ‘sustainability’ has been mentioned on the Internet in the past 90 days.

Sustainability’s impact can be seen in the numbers—increased profitability, decreased environmental impact, higher employee and customer engagement, lower risk. Compelling arguments for sustainability are also tied to the numbers. So why are the numbers on the Internet not making the case for sustainability?

Here are some more figures to consider:

1,229,807. The number of mentions ‘finance’ has received on Twitter in the past 90 days.

664,968. The number of times ‘engineering’ has appeared on Twitter in the same time period.

175,844. You got it. The number of times ‘sustainability’ has been talked about on Twitter in the last 90 days.

Yikes. So across Twitter, sustainability is getting roughly one-seventh the amount of chatter that finance is, even though a strong sustainability strategy has measurable financial benefits? And one-quarter the amount of engineering? Something’s not adding up here.

Last month, the Buzz contemplated sustainability’s branding problem. The article posited that the problem might be grounded in the way sustainability is communicated. Perhaps it’s an issue of sustainability being relegated to “add-on” status at many companies—complete with its own lingo. But what if it’s not just the fact that we don’t talk about sustainability as part of business as usual yet?  After all, plenty of popular, highly discussed new ideas that aren’t part of everyday business practice penetrate our collective consciousness. The problem is that sustainability has not capitalized on what could be its greatest source of promotion: social media.

Social media is an easy way to drive a dialogue and, if you’re savvy about it, a way to have your voice heard and reach those who may not typically seek out your message. A good example of an industry that rocks their social media presence is Search Engine Optimization (SEO). This is relatively unsurprising, as the SEO industry’s goal is manipulating the Internet to drive high numbers of visitors to their clients’ websites. It makes sense that they’d know how to drive the numbers up for their own social media presence.  Sustainability could profit by taking a page out of their social media playbook.

While SEO’s mainstream news-mention numbers are relatively low (8,202 in the past 90 days), their Twitter-mention numbers are off the chart – 1,938,647 in the past 90 days. This blows sustainability’s mere 175,844 mentions out of the water.  SEO, a recently booming field, has many characteristics similar to sustainability. It’s a field jam-packed with confusing jargon, it’s relatively new, and it takes a lot of explanation to convince people they need it.

So with all those fundamental similarities, let’s ask the question:  Why is there such a huge difference? Is it that people on social media aren’t interested in sustainability? Or is it that sustainable organizations and sustainability professionals aren’t tuned into the value of social media? Research indicates that it’s definitely the latter.

Sustainability has been an important business trend for some time now.  So why aren’t more sustainability professionals and corporate leaders discussing and sharing what they know on social media with those who are eager to learn more and, more importantly, those who may not have bought fully into sustainability yet? The beauty in the SEO social model is that they never stop sharing what they’ve learned and, as a result, they bring new people into the fold. They’re never afraid to give away their secrets, and they delight in the other guy having another point of view. They communicate. They ask questions. They share.  At the same time, they’re creating a seriously interconnected community on which they can rely to advance their goals. SEO businesses are realizing success, and they’re doing it by communicating.

So here’s advice suggestion for sustainability professionals and corporations who really want to drive the conversation forward.  Forget about writing your white papers and hoping someone reads them. Engage with people where they are instead, and link to your white paper, or quote from it.  Ignore the typical business model. A sustainable business strategy isn’t typical. It’s innovative, world changing andaccessible.  Start communicating that message with others who can help you and vice versa.

In fact, why are you even still reading this article?

Get on social and start a conversation.

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My Love Affair with ‘Girls’

I adore  the television show “Girls”. It’s easily one of my favorite shows… ever. Lena Dunham might be one of the most clever, intelligent young females in the entertainment world today and I have a gigantic crush on her. Mind you, I also have no preconceived notions that everyone in the world must love this show as passionately as I do. I’m totally the demographic they’re looking to hit with it. 24, young female, living in a city, making it on my own after college. Despite the many times I want to scream at the main character “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I can’t get too mad, because it was only days, weeks, months ago that I might have done something similar.

In my experience, the first years out of college and in the real world might be some of the most exciting years and also some of most heart-wrenching. And I’m not talking about any romantic relationships (though those can definitely cause you some elation and grief, too) but instead those first moments you get an inkling you can’t hide beneath the guise of being young anymore. Those moments that turn into a constant sea of responsibility and accountability. Suddenly, you are making it. On your own. And this is both exhilarating and terrifying.

In a world where girls have been painted as these transformed overly perky, sickeningly dependent cliches of themselves, Lena Dunham’s creation is a breath of fresh air. Where in other shows I find myself wondering where these women exist in the real world and if I should be more like them, I see bits of myself and my friends in ‘Girls’. A little raunchy, a lot snarky, imperfect, awkward, supportive, smart. In the characters’ personal successes I see my own, no matter how small. And in their insecurities, I see my own even clearer.

The feelings associated with being in that no man’s land between childhood and adulthood are portrayed in such definition that I can’t help but think in my head, ‘Yes. That’s exactly what it’s like.’ It is in Hannah’s constant subtle apologies for herself, her babbling stories, her constant struggle between her inner monologue and her perceived expectations of the outside world that I take comfort that I’m not the only one. Even for all of her intelligence and wit, she elects to just take up less space while she navigates the intellectual and social battlefield.

But there are those moments when it seems to all come together, even if they are fleeting. One of my favorite lines from the show is, “I have work, and then I have a dinner thing, and then I am busy, trying to become who I am.” There are these brief, triumphant moments in ‘Girls’ where those self-defining moments shine through for each of the characters, and, much like those on-screen personas, those personal moments are the most exhilarating for me as a 24 year old young female living in a city making it on my own. And soon enough, those moments will transition me into adulthood. Unapologetic, calm and certain.

Hopefully one day Hannah will, in the spirit of Mary Tyler Moore, throw her hat in the air and say good-bye to the forlorn world of the in-between. And if she can get there, I can too.

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New Year’s Resolutions

Let me preface this post with this: I’m normally really bad at New Year’s resolutions. I work hard at them for awhile but then they tend to fizzle out. However, after my birthday this year, I decided I was going to start ditching the TV and the internet when I come home from work and start reading more because, truly, how many more episodes of Breaking Amish do I need to see? How many more tumblrs must I scroll through with eyes glazed over?

My goal was to read 1 book a month for the next year. So far, since November 16th, I’ve read 6 books. I was a voracious reader as a kid, and it’s been nice to get back into the swing of it. I don’t know if your school participated in any sort of book competitions, but mine participated in Book-It. The kids in the class who read the required number of books in a month won a gift certificate to Pizza Hut. As a child, I thought those breadsticks were THE BOMB so I was intent on making sure I attained that special, cheesy prize each month. To put it simply, I was a fuckin’ boss at getting it done and I dined like a king many a night at the local Pizza Hut.

I like to think that I’m now competing in my own personal Book-It, and the prize at the end of the road is feeling less horrible about how I spend my off-hours (this comes in at a close second to the breadsticks).

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Awwww yeeeeeeeeah.

But I digress.

Because I’ve been so successful in sticking to my birthday book resolution, I’ve decided I’m going to try out some New Year’s resolutions. And lucky for you, one of these resolutions is writing at least TWO blog posts a month! I feel bad I’ve been neglecting my little home on the internet, so resolution 1 is to open the doors back up and share my thoughts on a more regular basis with my faithful followers (of which, I believe, there are about 3).

After I determined my first resolution, I started thinking about what I want in any resolutions I make. After all, this blog was born out of a desire to express myself in a more creative way than I was able to at my job at the time. I wanted to use my mind in a more complex way. In other words, it was born out of a desire to feed my own soul and mind. And when I thought about it more, that’s what my birthday book resolution was born out of, as well.

In previous years, when I’ve made resolutions, it’s been for something more material: work out to be back at the size I was out of high school, get a job I hated to make more money, etc. Once I realized that, it became so extremely clear why those resolutions always failed: I wasn’t actually bettering myself. I wasn’t actually satisfying my mind or my body. I was merely making those empty (and sometimes unrealistic) resolutions because it seemed like those were the things demanded of me by everyone else (whether that was actually true or not).

Therefore, I found my theme for 2013: Challenging my mind and my body, resulting in the feeling I can really only achieve through my own actions: pure satisfaction.

All of that being said, my resolutions this year are for me and me alone, not to do things that will fit me into some societal norm. Aside from the resolution about posting on here more, I’m not going to share them with you. Perhaps they’ll come up in another post, perhaps they won’t. But, at least for now, I want to keep these for me.

I hope you have a happy and healthy 2013, and that you keep doing things that make you happy. And I’ll see y’all soon.

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I Support Gay Marriage

Also from the old blog… I have an arsenal of new blog post ideas in my head, but need to find some time to write them. In the meantime, enjoy!

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The news of President Obama supporting gay marriage has been the talk of the nation for the past couple of weeks. Let me be clear about this right now: I am so proud of our president and I fully support gay marriage. I was fortunate enough to be raised by a mother who taught me that allpeople are equal and that it is not a person’s natural characteristics (i.e. having a certain color skin, being from a certain country, being gay/bi/straight) that matter. Instead, it is their actions and how they treat other people that truly shows you what kind of person they are. Those are the things that matter. That’s it.

This weekend, Pat and I were having drinks at a local bar before going to a delicious dinner. While we were there, we made a friend in a man who called himself “Mr. Troy”. He befriended us as we sat alone at a high-top in the dimly lit bar. He walked up to me and said, “I just want to tell you… You are very attractive.” Well, as you can imagine, we were best friends from the start. He spent the next hour chatting with us until we had to leave for our reservation. We found out he is 58 years old, has three children (one who is the executive sous chef at XIX, a fabulous restaurant), lives in West Philly, tries to instill good values in children who may be straying from their path (and bribes them to do better in math), was the only member of his big family who took care of his sick grandmother while she was dying, was married at one time and maintained a good relationship with his ex-wife after the divorce for the sake of his kids, and was kind and generous to everyone he saw that he knew at the bar (and even some people he didn’t know — like us). He was also African American and very very gay.

You tell me which of the above details about Mr. Troy are the ones that tell you about his character.

Today I watched a video on CNN of a sermon delivered by a pastor from North Carolina named Charles Worley.  After I watched it, I was incensed. I called my mom to rant about it because I was so angry. If you don’t want to watch the video, here’s possibly the most important snippet from it:

“I figured a way out, a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers, but I couldn’t get it past the Congress. Build a great big, large fence – 50 or a 100 miles long – and put all the lesbians in there, fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals, and have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. Feed them. And you know in a few years, they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce.”

So… Let me get this straight. Charles Worley wants to round up all the gays and lesbians in this country, cart them over to a fenced in compound that they will be held at, against their will, until they die. Well, Mr. Worley, throw in a gas chamber and guess who you’re starting to sound like.

I’d like to think that Worley is just a random zealot who said some inflammatory things and, because of the wonder of technology, has received some undue posterity. However, I’m afraid there are many others like Worley that either fully or partially agree with him. There are certainly many more who, like him, will continue to use religion as the reason why [insert reason here] is wrong.

I grew up going to a private Lutheran school. I was raised Lutheran. Here are some values I learned from my time in the church and in school:

  • Be kind to one another.
  • Treat others like you want to be treated.
  • Lead a life you can be proud of.
  • Lend a hand to those in need.
  • Be charitable.
  • Be tolerant.
  • Beware of those who have hate in their heart.
  • God loves you, no matter who you are or what you do.

I don’t practice any religion anymore but I do practice those fundamental values that were instilled in me from a young age. Worley, who does practice a religion, seems to have thrown the fundamentals out the window.

But Alex, this guy is clearly a redneck nutjob who is unedcuated and has no actual impact on anything.

Wrong. He does. Because people listen to him. People agree with him. And if you don’t do anything to fight against the system that is generating these hateful and ignorant people then you are part of the problem. You may be a Christian. If that’s your thing, good for you. But if you don’t do anything to stop your Christian pastors and churches from behaving like this, then what kind of a Christian are you? If you agree with these pastors and churches and hold the same hate or intolerance in your heart that they do, how can you possibly call yourself a Christian? Good people who stand by and do nothing perpetuate the cycle of wrong. Write to your churches, write to the people in charge of your churches. Tell them you will not stand for this.

EDIT (this previously had wrong information, but I’ll blame it on my eagerness to stand on my soapbox — big thanks to Emily for catching this): Most recently, North Carolina passed an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman in the state constitution. Guess what: it was passed by people who have the same or slightly toned down thoughts as this man. They believe that gays and lesbians are not equal to straight people.They believe that by allowing gays and lesbians to get married, we are destroying the sanctity of marriage. Give me a fucking break.

Here’s what straight marriages have done for us lately:

  • An estimated 40% of straight marriages end in divorce.
  • Domestic violence occurs in 60% of straight marriages.
  • Roughly 30 to 60% of straight married individuals will cheat on their spouse.
  • 10 to 14% of women are raped by their husbands. One third of those women are raped over 20 times.

Right. I can see why marriage between a man and a woman is so holy. I can see that straight people do this whole marriage thing exactly as God would want. They never disregard the values of Christianity.

I’m not saying gays and lesbians would do it perfectly, either. I’m sure there will be relationships that fall into any of those categories up there. What I’m getting at is that we should cut the crap about straight marriage being so high and holy that allowing gays and lesbians to marry will ruin the institution.

If you’re uncomfortable with gay people and what they do, that’s too damn bad. I’m uncomfortable with your lack of education and your intolerance but I’m not about to take away your rights. I just won’t choose to spend time with you. I won’t voluntarily witness your actions and behavior. Andyou don’t have to witness anyone else’s either.

To those of you who agree with me, it’s becoming increasingly clear the fight for equal rights for all is nowhere near over. Now is not the time to start resting. You may be straight, you may be gay, it doesn’t matter. Preventing any citizen of this country from having the same rights as the rest of the citizens of this country means extremely dangerous things for all of us. It speaks volumes about our character and the character of our politicians. To fight against the restriction of rights for gays and lesbians, there are countless organizations you can get involved with or donate to, namely:

To those of you who disagree with me, I feel so sorry for you. You must be terribly scared of not being like everybody else. You’re on the wrong side of history.”Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other comandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.” – Romans 13:8-10

 

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How Did I Get Through That Date? And other dating reflections…

This is a re-post from my first blog. This weekend I am going to a wedding in Atlanta for two lovely people who are clearly very in love, and so, as a tribute to their exit from the dating world, I’m posting my own reflections on the dating world.

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If you are single (and a woman. men: you’re on your own because hell if I know a woman’s motives), here is a general guideline of who and what to avoid:

  1. The When-Can-I-See-You-Again-How-About-Tonight Guy: I want to start this off by stating there is nothing wrong with being absolutely crazy about someone. In fact, it’s preferable. If you don’t feel that spark and urge to be with someone when you first start seeing them, you probably shouldn’t be dating them. That being said, there is a moment when being crazy about someone comes off as just that: crazy.I once went on a date with a lawyer from Philadelphia who I met at the bar while watching the Phillies (gophils). Immediately after I left the bar, I had a text message from him. As the night progressed, so did the text messages. A lot of them. This should have been my first sign, but I’m a text-message-barrage-perpetrator myself so I let it go. He invited me on a date to go test drive a Mercedes he was looking to buy and I thought that could be fun so I agreed.

    He picked me up on a Saturday. I distinctly remember it was pouring rain. This should have also been a sign, but I’m not into omens (though in writing this I’m beginning to think maybe I should be). As we begin on our merry way, he hands me a road map. Where the hell are we going? Oh. To North Jersey. Am I totally out of the loop on the dating scene or if you’re taking a girl in a car over 2 hours away to see another car, shouldn’t you let her know? Is that not good etiquette?

    Fine. We’re going to North Jersey. Hopefully he’s not a serial killer.

    As we cross into New Jersey, he turns his radio down and says, “I have to be honest about something.” Shit. He’s hiding the bodies in the trunk. How injured will I get if I jump out of this moving car? Who cares, it’s better than chopped into pieces in his trunk! I should have called my mom this morning and told her I loved her. “I have a girlfriend but I’m breaking up with her in a month,” he says.

    Now, at this point, ladies, it is time to call ixnay on this date. Do as I say and not as I did because all I said was, “Oh. Um. Okay.” In case there’s any confusion, what I should have said was, “You’re insane. Turn this car around. I’m going home.”

    I’ll skip over the rest of the day, because I’m sure you can imagine the delightful time I had after that point. After an excrutiating trip to North Jersey, which included him telling me he felt like we were meant to be together and pulling over to the side of the highway so he could ‘look at my beautiful eyes’, we FINALLY returned to Philadelphia. I could not bolt out of that car fast enough, run up to the door and lock it behind me. Get me away from this guy. I’m busy rushing through my ‘ThanksIhadareallygreattimeI’llcallyounonoI’llcallyoudon’tcallme,” when he bursts out with, “So can I see you again tonight?”

    UHHHHHHHWHAT.

    Dude. We just spent, like, six hours together. Even if I liked you, which I don’t, I wouldn’t be looking to spend the night hanging out with you for six MORE hours. Pump. The. Brakes.

    Needless to say, I said no. But what I should have said was, “This isn’t going to happen, go the hell away nutso,” because maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have received 23 text messages the entire night, all with the intent of getting me to come over. Over the course of the following week, I received around 52 text messages total from this guy until I finally said, “Look. You are definitely way more into this than I am and I really don’t respect that you have a girlfriend and are trying to date me.” At this point, the dude lashes out and tells me I’m not all that special anyway. Thank God. I’ve never been so thrilled to be unremarkable.

    A few years later I actually ran into him in center city. He told me he was single now if I wanted to give another date a shot. But I’m wise enough to know that a few years doesn’t cure crazy, so I politely declined.

  2. The Let’s-Go-To-Dinner-Oh-Hey-Can-You-Pay? Guy:I am all about women’s rights. I support a woman’s right to choose, I believe women should be allowed to have a career AND make the same amount as men for doing the same job, and I think women can rule the world. However, can I please get an ‘Amen’ from the ladies who still like to be taken out to dinner every once in awhile by a man who pays the check and doesn’t look at it like he’s paying for your college tuition? Amen.Gentlemen, there are few things less attractive than asking a lady out to a rock star dinner and then, at the end of the night, announcing that she will be paying for both of your four-course, five-star meals. Hello?! I wouldn’t ask you to go shopping with me and then after I’m rung up and standing at the cash resigter demand that you buy my new outfit! It’s just common decency: If you ask a lady out on a date, you cannot and should not expect her to pay for said date. If you cannot afford a nice restaurant, don’t take her to one, or ask her beforehand if she’s willing to go halfsies or cover it. Do not assume she can cover both of you just because she’s done it in the past. If you cannot afford taking her to any restaurant, use your thinking cap and come up with something fun and low-cost (read: free) for you to do. And if that’s a problem for her, you either need to have a talk with her about your financial situation or say ‘peace out’ to that goldiggin’ ho.

    And ladies, if your man repeatedly asks you to pay for dinner when he suggests it, you need to speak up, too. Unless you truly do not mind or you are married and all your money is his and vice versa, this will be a problem at some point. And, if nothing else, it’s just inconsiderate.

  3. The I-Punch-Walls/Doors/Objects-When-I’m-Mad Guy:Stay away from this guy. Stop telling yourself this is a slight character flaw that he will grow out of or figure out on his own. He very well might someday. But who knows if that will be before or after you turn into the wall, door, or object.
  4. The Baby Talker:Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. There is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING, that will turn a girl off more than baby talk. I’m not talking pet names or the occasional little voice, I am talking full-on baby talk. Let me tell you a little story about a girl who was foiled by the baby talk:One night, a girl I know found herself in a situation where she was making out with this guy. Things are getting a little hot and heavy when he pauses and says, “Do you wike a wittuhl kiss on the neck? I think you wike a wittuh kiss on the neck.”

    That had to have been a mistake right?

    She was willing to let it go until a few minutes later he says, “I wuv your pwetty smiuhl. Weally pwetty smiuhl.” Okay. That was definitely intentional, so she giggled a little bit and asked, “Why are you talking like that?” And in a high-pitched voice he responded, “Like what?” Um. Like you’re making out with an infant.

    Needless to say, she never saw him again. And neither should you, dear reader. Baby talk is surely a sign of some mommy issue. Or in my friend’s case, she just wikes a man who is a wittuhl wess stwange.

  5. The Guy with the Overbearing Family who he Won’t Tell to Buzz Off:
    Okay. This one is rough. Especially when you are into your man but his family drives you up a wall. That being said, take it from me: If he can’t manage to grow a spine and tell his parents/siblings/cousins/uncles/aunts to back off and let him live his life, you don’t want him in yours.
  6. The Guy with the Wandering Eye:A few years ago I was dating a guy who was my total opposite: He was blue collar, had tattoos all over his body, listened to Papa Roach (seriously.), and had a bit of a wandering eye. I was totally into him. And the fact that he had a wandering eye made me want him to pay attention to me even more. Isn’t that sick?Anyway, I knew he flirted constantly with other girls. One girl offered to show him her tattoo that was in a place inappropriate to show at the office (read: her cooter) and he didn’t exactly say no to the offer. Another wanted him to come over and help her move her bed (read: romp around in it) and he wiggled his eyebrows at her while prompting her to ask if that was all the help she wanted in her bed. And I knew all this and still stayed with him. I was convinced he was just a hopeless flirt, but he would never do anything to hurt me.

    We broke up after three months, which was just as well because he was a mess and I was a mess and combined we were a disaster. Two months after we broke up, I got a facebook message from his ex-gifrlend before me saying, “I was sleeping with [his name] all summer. I’m sorry.”

    Really? REALLY. I didn’t believe her and I told her so. I thought she was just insane. But sure enough, she wrote me back with specific dates they slept together (so the insane theory is still plausible) and the things going on in our relationship on those days. “May 31, after he met your family at Memorial Day. June 9, after you went to the Roots picnic.”

    I can now honestly say I don’t hold any ill will against this guy. He and I were both had no business being in a realtionship and certainly not in one with each other. That being said, ladies, if your significant other has a wandering eye that turns into a wandering hand or penis, get rid of him.

  7. The Bachelor Living the Bro Life While Shacked Up with Friends Between the Ages of 25-30: I have nothing against guys who fall into this category. I have a lot of friends who fall into this category. They’re lovely people and I know I could call on them and they’d be there for me in an instant. However, I would not date these people. I have dated these people and, while it seems like a fun and good idea at the time, it will expire faster than milk left out on a warm day. Just don’t do it. Unless your dream is to deal with terrifying bathrooms, hot and cold affections, a fridge filled with nothing but PBR, and a constant stench of stale beer and unwashed gym clothes: avoid these men.(Note: there are a few exceptions to this rule, but they are only a few, so across the board, stay away. If they’re the exception, you’ll figure it out after you’ve established a nice friendship.)
  8. The Married Man:Just don’t do it. Seriously. He may be charming, he may tell you he’s unhappy in his marraige (duh.), he may tell you his wife is a bitch (of course she is), but guess what? None of this matters because he is married so get those rationalizations the hell out of your head. Respect his family, respect his wife, and most importantly, respect yourself.
  9. The Guy who Gives You Just Enough to Keep You Interested but for the Most Part is Just a Huge Douchebag:This one sucks. There’s no two ways about it. You meet a guy at a party, you flirt all night long and things seem like they could lead somewhere really good. You exchange numbers. You text all day the next day and make plans to see each other that night. You see each other that night, have a swell time. The next morning he tells you how he also had a lot of fun the night before. And then, like a ghost, he vanishes. Poof! Lost in the digital abyss. You start thinking maybe your phone isn’t working properly. Or maybe his phone died. Perhaps he left it on the train somewhere and is desperately trying to reach you but doesn’t have your number because the paper you wrote it down on two nights before must have been ruined in the laundry?Nope. You are now a victim of a little game some guys like to play which I like to call the “I need constant attention” game. This is typically found to be performed by the men who fall under the #7 category, but is certainly not limited to them, as many men of all ages are viciously insecure inside.

    Here’s the deal, ladies: If he is not actively trying to reach you and you find yourself constantly having to get in touch with him, walk away. If you find that he finally pays slight attention to you when he thinks you might be getting sick of constantly making contact with him, do not confuse that as genuine interest: he is simply a child and undeserving of your affections.

  10. The Control Freak: When you are in a relationship, the following things are behaviors that are reasonable for your partner to expect out of you: that you will respect your relationship with your partner and not do anything to intentionally hurt that relationship (read: lie to them, cheat on them, etc.), that you will be there for them if they need something, and that you won’t disregard that your partner has views and thoughts that might differ from yours but are still valid views and thoughts.The following things are behaviors that are NOT reasonable for your partner to expect out of you: that you tell them exactly where you are at every moment, that you check-in with them before making plans that only involve you, that you provide proof of where you were and who you hung out with the night before, and that you cater to their every demand.

    If you find that your partner falls more in the latter than the former, ditch him. This is the age of independence, so get on with your bad self. If he can’t be secure enough with himself to let you do you without needing or sometimes even wanting him there at every moment, say ‘buh-bye’. There are lots of guys out there who will love your independence.

So, there you have it. The bottom line is: if you are not being treated well, get out. If you aren’t treating your partner well, fix it or get out. And if you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with: Congrats.Mostly importantly, make yourself happy.

And stay away from the crazies. Especially if they want to take you to North Jersey.

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Why vote?

My obsession with voting goes back to the third grade. It was the 1996 election, and we had a huge voting project in our Social Studies class. During the project, we would choose a candidate to support (Clinton, Dole or, in the case of one unique and politically aware nine year old in the class, Perot), campaign for him in the school, and then conduct a school-wide voting day. It was… in a word… Awesome.

To kick it off, my third grade class got together and announced who we would be campaigning for. I knew that my parents were supporting Clinton, so I was fully ready to announce Clinton as my candidate. Then all my friends started announcing there candidate. Dole… Dole… Dole…

Shit.

I panicked. What the hell was I supposed to say? I swore my parents supported Clinton, but maybe I was wrong. Why were all my friends saying Dole? That must have been the right choice. As I was going through this in my head, my teacher called on me. I buckled. I looked around at all my friends staring at me and anxiously said, “Dole.”

This is the last time I ever expressed support for a Republican. Aside from advocating for Clint Eastwood’s one man chair show.

A week later, my mom was picking me up from school and saw my name next to Bob Dole on our classroom wall and looked at me, confused. She asked me, “Did you really say Dole?”  Embarrassed, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I was confused.”

I spent the next four weeks campaigning for Dole. This included giving a speech in front of the entire school in support of him. I remember this brilliant oration ended with the inspiring words, “And just because Bob Dole has a physical handicap does not mean he isn’t able to be president.” If that doesn’t convince you to vote for a candidate, I don’t know what will.

Election day came and  the school came to vote. When I went into the voting booth, I cast my vote. For Bill Clinton. I felt both relief and betrayal. I can only imagine this is how Mitt Romney’s campaign staff will feel on November 6th.

Ever since then, I’ve been so excited about the idea of voting. I’ve voted in every election I’ve been able to since I turned eighteen. Election day is, to me, the third greatest day of the year, falling behind Christmas and my birthday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Years ago, I wrote an article for my college paper during the 2006 elections. It was entitled, “Why vote? Because you can.” I almost entitled this post “Why vote? Because you still can.” But then I had this thought that there are a lot of things we CAN do, but that doesn’t mean we should. For example, I can wear stripes with polka dots, but that doesn’t mean I should. I can eat an entire pint of ice cream, but it doesn’t mean I should (okay, maybe some nights it does). So maybe the better title would have been, “Why vote? Because you should.”

I have gotten into many arguments with people who see no reason to vote for various reasons. It still bothers me to no end, no matter what side of the aisle you’re on. So here are the top reasons I believe voting is important, the unspoken #1, of course, being that I have an unhealthy obsession with it.

  1. A democracy can work if we’re active citizens. Being an active citizen means staying educated and current. There are people in Washington DC making decisions on our behalf. Somewhere along the way, the people of this country became disengaged with the future of this country and it shows. America was designed to be a constitutional representative republic, but when people aren’t engaged and educated, it can’t work that way. Your vote contributes to a more functional government.
  2. Being free comes with the responsibility of protecting it.  Feel like your freedoms are slowly being taken away? I guarantee there are people on both sides of the aisle who do. Guess what? If you feel like the government is rigged/broken/dysfunctional and, for those reasons, you don’t vote, you’re fulfilling the prophecy by allowing extremely powerful limited interests to have more control over your freedom. And in case you’re wondering, they don’t give a flying you-know-what about your freedom.
  3. Your vote DOES matter. I get it. It’s a presidential election year and voting, when you’re already disinterested in both the candidates, seems totally irrational. But it’s not. There ARE instances in which recounts have to happen (remember Florida?) and your vote matters. But possibly even more important are years when it is NOT a presidential election year when you’re voting for your representatives and your senators. THESE are the people who control a lot of what happens in politics and when so few people come to vote in those off-years, your vote matters even more.
  4. If you’re young(er) – read: 45 years old or younger – you truly can make a difference. Voters 45 years old or younger are outnumbered 6 to 1 by those who are over 45. In other words, the future of the country is being determined by people who won’t be living in it. Wouldn’t you like to have a say in the country you’ll be living in?
  5. If you don’t vote, you can’t complain. Maybe you don’t agree with this statement, maybe you feel as though your right, as an American, is to be able to not vote and still have a say. But quite frankly, if you don’t vote, you’re not doing your part to defend that right to your freedom of speech and, therefore, you deserve it less.

If you’re not registered to vote, and this blog post has inspired you to do your part you can visit the following sites:

See you at the polls! I’ll be there with bells on. I bet you can’t guess who I’m voting for.