OK, so I am a pastafarian, more or less. I have been touched by His Noodly Appendage. I was raised by heathens, though, and tend to be skeptical. I get it, sort of, that if you practice a given religion, you have to accept certain absurd things on what they call faith. One of the things I like so much about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, therefore, is that its fundamental tenets are completely scientific, so you don’t really have to, like, question them or anything.
I mean, it’s perfectly obvious that the earth was created all at once but made to appear to have aged, because His Noodly Appendage is able to change at will any measurement of the decay rate of Carbon-14. And that global average temperatures really have risen as the global population of pirates has declined. Just look at the graph!!!
But as we all recall from Statistics 101, correlation does not equal causation, so what I’m wondering about at the moment, as I read the news and learn of the increased pirate-related activity on other parts of the planet, is whether the rise in the average global temperature really is slowing? Can it even be reversed? Has anyone followed up on this? Are the Somali pirates part of an organized effort to combat global warming? If they are not, should such an effort be undertaken? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier than trying to reduce our carbon footprints all over the place? Also, I do not have a TV but it is my impression that these pirates do not wear full pirate regalia, nor do they, in fact, talk like pirates. Do they actually have the authority and/or mystical powers to have any impact?
These questions are causing me to doubt my religion, I gotta say. I am forced to consider the possibility that it is all lies. Because if one thing can be proved false, then it’s all false, right?
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