"Believing The Impossible"

How could I possibly understand the human emotion within?? Stumbled upon the thoughts that could be so misleading in life.. Where is my direction?? Why do I have to feel this way?? For certain it’s is easy to recite Jeremiah 29:11 that God indeed has big and great plans for me, plans not to harm but to give me hope and future.. But deep within my shallow being, I’ve hit the edge of desperation enough to realize that I’m just too lonely within.. The feeling I couldn’t comprehend and understand.. In this transitional period do I have enough courage to see where the grace of God is leading me?? Honestly, I don’t know..

Few human emotions can be as painful as such like loneliness itself.. A particular event can be a time of great enjoyment for most; but for some people, it’s a painful time filled with painful memories, depression, and loneliness.. Not all good and cheerful events harvest good emotional feelings to everyone but to some it yields a sense of jealousy, loneliness and self condemnation.. Reality of life hits pretty hard and at many times the encounters are harsh and cruel.. And we began to ask ourselves, how did we end up in situation like this at the first place?? Well, I think that’s for me to find out with some anticipation that I may already somehow guess where all this anxiety and troubled feelings will be leading me..

Ask me honestly if I’m seeking for attention by writing this post?? Probably.. Probably not.. At many times people will come to a point where they can’t structure and deliver the confusion and thoughts within them.. All probably due to emotional hindrances and barriers.. So why write this post?? In fact, I don’t know.. Probably I’ve been rotting too long and I felt like a burden to people around me.. I hate to see myself in the position of being so helpless and becoming so baggage/burden to people I love..

Ask me if I’m proud of myself.. I felt more like a failure and I just don’t know why I should write this down.. I really want to know what is this emptiness within me that is missing.. For only God knows what it would be..

This final lap of my race as student sure made each and every part of me, my soul, my mind, my body, my emotion and my spirit to be torn apart.. But should I be glad that at least this is my last part of the race becoming a student in university?? Well.. I don’t really know.. Maybe after this ending this phase of life would I able to understand and know my answer..

Anyway, this post is just something random.. Couldn’t sleep at night and just can’t have any more inputs to my brain.. Truthfully, I’m at my limit.. =D

Signing off for now.. Shalom

It’s just something random that flipped through my mind in this very 3am. What if there’s no tomorrow for me anymore? Deep question but well, I guess many of times we do think of whether we still have another tomorrow to begin with. Pretty common for human huh?

So what if I could only have my last breath tonight? Will I be missed? Will I be remembered? Have I done enough in this world? Have I come to accomplish my objective in my short stay in this world? So many questions to be asked at the verge of death itself.

But of all the question I only had two important ones to ask myself? Firstly, have I lived a life that God would smile and give me pat on my shoulder saying “Well done my good and faithful servant”. Secondly, have I lived a life of blessing to others and making a difference in them while our destiny and fate crossed paths.

At least while journeying through life, I found some valuable lessons and one of them is that some questions don’t need to be answered because they are beyond our comprehension. Curiosity killed the cat and at times we are just curious of why this and that happen. But could we grasp those answers fully when they are revealed? Maybe we would just complain even more. It’s in our nature to do so.

So at least I learned that I don’t need to think of what the answers would be to my two questions while I just have to live my life letting my life be the walking truth. Talk is cheap nowadays and to walk the talk is difficult. All the more I should be reminded that my way if living my life should be louder than my mere cheap words.

I wish I could take a peep into the future but guess I will just have to leave this as a suspense till I leave this world.

Before ending this post, I would just share a nice song title

Thank You by Ray Boltz

I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea
We heard these angels singing
Then someone called your name
You turned and saw this young man
And he was smiling as he came
And he said friend you may not know me now
And then he said, but wait
You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight
And every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start
And one day when you said that prayer
I asked Jesus in my heart

CHORUS
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am a life that was changed
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am so glad you gave

Then another man stood before you
And said remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry
You didn't have much money
But you gave it anyway
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that's why I'm here today

CHORUS (repeat)

One by one they came
Far as your eyes could see
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity
Little things that you had done
Sacrifices you made
They were unnoticed on the earth
In heaven now proclaimed

And I know that up in heaven
You're not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord
He said, my child look around you
For great is your reward

A world meant to me

Least if I am really gone, this is what the world meant to me. Through the many trials,tribulation and pain, yet we’re still together as a family. All glory to God.

Shalom,

Alston

Well, here I am again, writing onto this poor lonely blog which I left abandoned since last summer. Sorry to disappoint but been busy crazy for my final year. Or maybe I am just being lazy and complacent.

Lately it had not been a very good moment for me. Many complication and misunderstanding happened all due to “Only God knows why”. Human are just so week but we can’t simply be living in such a denial and continue grumbling and clinging unto such philosophy. It we do, when will we grow up? When will be realized how immature we are?

Human made mistakes in life and of course I do as well. Living in this society and this sinful world, how could I claim myself to be a perfect being. I am just an ordinary sinful person in nature and I do make life pretty tough for people at times. I admit wrong and I surely apologize. But will I be forgiven? My conviction is clear that when I apologize, I would at the same time forgive and hold not onto what grudges we had. And truly I think my God had been gracious and loving enough to help me build this enormous heart to accommodate forgiveness.

What good will it be for me to hate when I have the option to love and be compassionate of other? What good will it be for me to breed hatred and anger when I could add happiness unto broken souls and bring life those who needs them? If I chose to take the unpleasant path, what good is it for my God to give me a heart to feel all kinds of emotion?

But all in all, my God is a good God who taught me humility and love and many other aspect of life to live as a person to the fullest and I’m still learning and in the process of going through hurdles to learn. Each day with full of possibilities and wonders.

Shalom,

Alston

Just dropping a short, lame post.. Suppose to be studying Finance and Econometrics but yea, too much of them until I am sleep deprived.. When I am sleeping my mind will be running all those mathematical formulas non-stop.. Gosh… I need to sleep man.. =(

Got to go.. Just a short post.. Going back to study.. BYEBYE!!

Hi all.. I know I know.. Its 5am plus and I am suppose to be sleeping.. Well, the thing is I already had my sleep 4 hours ago and now I am awake to do some stuff.. Printing my coursework for submission later..

Just a little update on what happen yesterday.. Well.. Guess the news spread quite fast.. Even chia ching, all the way from NILAI knew about it.. Sigh!!.. Anyway Yesterday, which was also Sunday, there was a blood donation event in EMC church.. Totally forgot about it.. So as usual, sleep late and stuff like that.. Basically, I didn’t slept at all the whole night.. HOW AlSTON IS THIS!!.. So went to church as usual.. Not so tired.. Able to drive there safely.. Able to keep myself awake for the whole sermon.. NOT BAD huh!!.. haha

After service, came along Uncle Tommy asking, “You going for the blood donation right?”.. I was like “SHARK!!”.. I totally forgot that about the blood donation thing.. If I knew, I would had sleep a little.. Then I was like, “ERRR, yaya.. I’m going..” That time I was already praying that nothing stupid might happen..

So drove Mark, Zu Ning and En to EMC.. Went to register myself.. Hmmm.. Trina and Carys did a good job persuading people to donate blood.. Put this two together will form a good sales team.. =P .. So here is the story.. The doctor checked on me.. My pulse response was all normal.. Everything was all good.. Then doctor drop a question, “Do you have sufficient sleep? Have you been sleeping more than 5 hours?”.. I was like, “YAYA”.. Acting cool and as it nothing will happen to me.. Answered most of the doctor’s question boldly to avoid suspicion.. =P Sigh!!..

So, all was good.. Went to donate my blood.. Felt alright.. Nothing was wrong.. Feel nice as well.. Can walk.. Can talk.. Until I went to a room and then I sat down.. OKAY!!.. My vision became blurred and my head became quite heavy.. That time I already know I was gonna faint.. SHIT!!.. Try to get a good grip of myself.. Kenny was like, “Alston, your face look very pale”.. Then Uncle Daniel also said, “Alston, you alright? Your face very pale.” I was like, “NoNo, I am fine.. Still Okay”.. Trina and Carys was already panicking that time.. Least that was what I heard from Mark. They kept asking him to drive me home.. Anyway, Uncle Daniel said I should take a rest on the bed. So I got up, tried to walk but once I stood up, I knew I won’t like long. There goes.. BUMP!!.. Fall on the floor and knocked Trina.. She was so kind taking Milo for me, but then when she got near me, I almost fell on her.. Sigh!!.. Milo spilled all over my body.. Got knocked unconscious for at least 3-4 seconds.. Once I my vision got back, I was like, “What the hack am I doing on the floor.. I need to wake up..” Pushed myself very hard to wake up.. So tough.. The body wasn’t really listening to me.. But later managed to sit up and Dr Violet was treating me.. Talk to me, asked me how was I and stuff like that.. Well, after I sit up, gave everyone a BIG SMILE and said, I’m okay.. Unfortunately few minutes later, my vision blurred out again.. I was aware of the surrounding.. Not complete K.O. Still can see what happen.. Just couldn’t have the strength to wake up.. SIGH!!..

Later, some people came and carried me to a bed.. Stayed there for quite sometime.. Dr Violet and Pastor Ting were beside me all the while.. Such loving and kind people.. I was like apologising the whole while saying that it was my mistake for NOT SLEEPING the night before.. But they didn’t seems to care much about my words and asked me not to worry.. Its not the first time things happen.. They were very encouraging.. Didn’t throw any stones at me.. That time, my heart was quite moved.. Thank God for all this loving and nice people around..

So, I created a havoc I guessed.. Don’t know how many people were panic but I’m sure quite many.. Aunty Boey Tin even skipped her lunch first to have a look at me.. Most probably want to see how awful I look =P Haha.. Kidding.. This aunty is super hyperactive but very nice person.. She is Uncle Daniel’s wife and Carys is their daughter.. =) Thanks everyone for taking care of me and also showed concern to me that time when I fell.. James, Kenny, Edwin, Trina, Carys, Mark, En, Zu Ning, Michelle and others.. Thank you Pastor and Aunty Violet for being right beside me all the while.. Thanks Aunties and Uncles for coming by and ask me how I was.. Thanks Uncle Tommy for giving me a shirt cause my whole shirt smelled like Milo.. Can’t remember much on who came to help but if I missed you out, just want to say Big Thank You!!..

So yea, everything has it first time.. This big faint in front of public was something I never expected.. Thought I could be tough enough to sustain through but seems like my body was at its limit.. Sigh!! So as a reminder, DON’T DONATE BLOOD IF YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SLEEP!! Thank goodness Mark was with me all the time.. Thank God for good friends.. Going to make sure this don’t happen again.. Super Paiseh.. =.=!!

Kla.. Its 5.40am.. Just finished printing all my coursework financial reports.. Haha.. Going back Home to take a good nap.. =) Chao people.. !!

Goodnight People!!…

Well..I kind of noticed that each time when I add a new post, the title will always be “time” and it will be super late at night…Cool!!..Was bored and sick of doing my assignments and works and studies…Sigh!!…LIFE!!…Not that fun at the moment…Could feel my stress level increasing day by day…My own body is disowning me…How sad!!My body is reacting all unusual…Not surprised…But this time quite bad…Don’t feel like eating…Don’t feel like sleeping…If eat then feel like puking…Hmmm…Good thing cause might need to lose some weight…No time to do exercise…So my current situation is good enough to help me lose a few KGs hopefully…”I am MAD”…Just ignore me…

Well…Been working whole week on Accounting Information System…Using the Excel and Sage programme…So glad at the end I manage to balance up my STUPID unbalance Trial Balance…TADAHHHH!!!My Hard Work!!

YES!!…Unfortunately the figures are wrong cause last minute found of something went missing…Sigh!!…To start off with, the assignment question set by Nottingham UK, well that’s what my lecturer said, is just BULLSHIT!!…The paper was claimed to be the same as Nottingham UK…But the whole paper has problems here and there…And the lecturer is not really helping…Nonsense…

But anyway, just want to faster get the job done, finish up all my freaking assignments and then can start studying for my Exam…Sigh…Can’t believe its just next month…After that end of year 2…Gosh!!…

Then again, this two week will be quite busy…Got to plan for Easter Sunday…Though is quite cool but then I’m sure there won’t be smooth sailing..Bet I be spiritually attack…Even now I can see all the lope holes in my life…First, physical body already not that stable…Sometime I feel so drained…Mentally still okay but in this two weeks busy with this and that, don’t think will get a good hold of myself…Sad T.T

Anyway..Going off now…Was suppose to only write a short one…Don’t know how short is this… =D Shall call it a day… Night!!