Aldwyn Zanzibar's Personal Blog

My oldest boy had his first “serious” girlfriend recently. I say “serious” because he noticed this girl, learned a little bit about her, and decided he wanted to “date” her. So he asked her to a dance, then they hung out a bit more. Then he finally decided to “ask her out”. I was very proud of my oldest son beginning to come into his own.

Things seemed to be going good for a little while, then he began to ask me more questions about how “girls should act” around a boyfriend. It seems that he was the one who always initiated hand holding, and hugs and such. He was beginning to wonder if that was normal.

We had several conversations about girls, including several with his mother involved. Most of the advice was to “take it slow”, “don’t push”, etc. This girl seemed the shy quiet type, so he just needed to let things happen in their own time. He agreed.

As time progressed, nothing else did. He came to me a few more times, and asked about relationships again. He sees how his mother and I are, and other couples around school, and is not getting anything like that from his girlfriend. I did remind him that his mother and I have been together for 26 years, and that it is not fair to expect that level from a new relationship. He agreed, but something still wasn’t right about his current relationship.

The Prom was coming up, and he asked her to go. Of course she said yes. The week or so leading up to the Prom, he was growing more and more discontented with the relationship. Not with her, because she really is a very nice girl, just with the state of their relationship. He was not pushing anything, but was getting frustrated that even the smallest little things that you do when you are with someone, like holding hands, leaning against each other, kisses goodbye, even text messages or facebook messages were only coming from him. We talked about it quite a bit, and during one of these conversations I think he basically decided to end it.

With the Prom so close, he did not feel right about breaking up with her right before that dance. He still liked her, but it was painfully obvious that it was not going to be what he wanted. He took her to the dance, and they had a very good time. By the middle of the next week, he broke it off. He handled it very maturely, and they are still friends. They even still hang out together at school. They are just no longer “in a relationship” (as his facebook status showed).

About a week after that all happened, we were driving in the car on the way home one night, and Rihanna’s “Only Girl (in the World)” was playing on the radio. After the song was over, he asked “Dad, I always hear how girls want to be treated special. Why are there no songs about guys wanting to be treated special?” I told him there were songs like that, but mostly on the Country Music station. That made him laugh.

I told him that while guys may not openly say it, we do like to know that we are special to our women. I think some think it is a sign of weakness, or femininity for a man to say that. I know I don’t go around and write songs about it, but I think everybody wants to feel special to someone. I told him that at some point, he will find someone who he thinks is special, and they will think he is special. The trick is to never stop letting them know.

Sometimes I wish someone would write a “only Boy (In the World) song. I am sure someone has, but nothing is coming to my music brain at the moment.

I do know this. If I boy sang a “only boy (in the world)” song to a girl, I honestly do not think it would go over well. Most girls don’t like the over mushy whiney emo stuff from boys. I see it every day at the high school I work at, and I have even seen it in SL. Boys who share too many feelings don’t get dates. It’s the law of the jungle, as much as I think it sucks.

I will say this. For every girl out there that wants to feel special, there is a corresponding boy. We may not say it, but we appreciate it when we feel it. It usually doesn’t take much either.

I am a lucky man though. I have had relationships where I really didn’t feel all that special. I am fortunate enough at this stage in my life where I do feel special. The women in my life do let me know, in their own way, and I appreciate it. I hope that my son, both my sons, find that for their lives. That is my greatest hope for them.

I have been talking about writing again for a while, and I always seem to come up with things I would like to write about at the worst possible time during my day. I cannot wait for that implant in my head that will allow me to type just by thinking.

Over the past week I have had several conversations that really touched on a subject I feel strongly about: Our inner dialog.

I know I have talk about this before, about how important what we say to ourselves in our own heads is. Not only what we say, but how we say it. Language is key. I won’t dive into that again, but it is related to what I feel like writing about tonight.

I see two types of dialogs that people have with themselves (why is always “there are two types”? I might have to explore that at some point). The first type is “Nobody can love me the way I am, so if I just change *this*, then everybody will love me”. Then there is the “I am awesome, and I have no problem letting everybody know it”.

The first type can be a dangerous one. What seems to happen many times is that the change that is thought to make all the difference comes true, but nothing really changes. That one thing really was not the issue.

The other type is an interesting one. I call it being your own best/worst press agent. More energy is spent trying to convince everybody else how amazing you are, when you really don’t believe it yourself.

There are lots of “slogans” that go along with this one. “Never let them see you sweat”, “fake it till you make it” etc. I think that there is some truth to these words, but not as a way of life.

Since I have been working about high school kids this year, I see more than my fair share of variations of these two main themes. It is really nothing new, kids have been trying to find ways to be accepted, be cool, be loved, since time began. Being a father, makes me pay more attention to it, so if/when my boys need help, a hug, or just an ear, I can be there.

Another example of the second type was displayed in front of me today, when one girl said to another girl “Jody, that top really should never be worn again”. Now “Jody” laughed it off by smiling and laughing at the rude girl. I happen to be standing next to rude girl, and I pointed out that was a very rude thing to say. She said “Mr. Z, she and I are buds, and I was just keeping it real”.

I leaned over to her and said quietly into her ear, “I find that people who tell me they are ‘keeping it real’, are just looking for an excuse to be a bitch”. I wish I had taken a picture of the look on her face.

We all have our issues. Each one of us wishes we could be different in some way. We want to be better, taller, thinner, stronger. I always question my “reasons” for wanting to change myself. I am a big fan of change for the better.

I just feel a deep sadness when I watch a young person try so hard to make sure everybody “knows” what an amazing, strong, wonderful” person they are, when, at least to me, it is painfully obvious they don’t believe their own press.

I think that is going to the hardest part of being a teacher: Watching kids struggle with these issues. I feel I have some answers that satisfy me, but will they help others? I really don’t know.

I have been catching up on my RL facebook recently. Most of the people on my facebook are close friends and family, with a few people that are from my past that have found me. I don’t check it very often, but I do use it to keep in touch with family and to what is going on.

One of my nieces is very vocal on facebook. She is one to share just about every feeling and emotion and minute by minute status of her day. I was reading it today to catch up, and I had an interesting thought that came to me.

One of the things she writes a lot about is how she really wants a boyfriend. It seems to occupy her mind a lot. While I can completely understand wanting someone to share you life with, I began to wonder why she didn’t have a special person in her life.

I read back, and she dates. She has been out several times in the last 3 months (that is as far back as I wanted to go). Nothing ever seems to come of these dates though.

So I kept wondering about relationships, how they start, how they end, how they maintain. I have thought quite a bit about these things over the years, sometimes for just a mental excersise, other times because I really thought I didn’t have a clue.

But something specific captured my thought process today. The topic of “Love”.

I know millions of millions of words (one might even argue billions and billions) have been written on this subject, but something specific crept into my mental musings today. I have been thinking about the difference between “For Love” and “because of Love”.

What do I mean by that? We all do things that are related to Love. The phrase “I did it for Love” is one I have heard many times, and I think people think to themselves that “If I do this, I will be loved” more often than we want to admit. We act differently so that someone will love us, we say things because we want to be responded to in kind. I reminds me of being back in school, and the whole “Find out if so-n-so likes me”, because we don’t want to admit that we like someone if they don’t like us back, right?

So I have been thinking about the things we do for love. I have witnessed some very bizarre things that were done in the “Name of love”, both from myself and from others. When things that border on harassment and creepiness, I really start to wonder if it’s out of love or out of need. When things are done out of neediness, the outcome is rarely good.

But to me, there is a big difference between doing something “For Love”, and doing something “because of love”. In my mind “For Love” means you are doing something so you get love in return. You expect some sort of reciprocation from the person you are doing this for. It’s like buying something at the store, you trade your money for goods. That is what “for love” is to me.

When you do something “Because of Love”, it is selfless. You do something because you love a person, and it is done without regard to reciprocation, or expectation. The act is done, and there is no waiting to see if you get the results you want, because there is nothing expected in return.

I think the distinction is important. When we have expectations for doing something, when those expectations are not met, we become sad, angry, upset, resentful, and hurt. When we do something without any expectations, we know why we did it, and can take joy in the fact that we love someone and are happy to so something for just that reason. There is no expectation of reciprocation, so there is no disappointment or hurt feelings because what we did wasn’t noticed. It is nice when it is noticed, but that is not why it was done.

As a parent, I have done many things for my children that I will never get any sort of recognition for. I didn’t become a parent to get accolades. I had my own reasons for becoming a parent, but getting something back was not high on the list.

I do things for the people I love not to be recognized, or to gain something. I do it because I love them. That to me is a big difference.

I wonder what everybody else thinks about the difference between “For Love” and “because of love”. Is there a difference to you?

Have a wonderful Sunday everybody!

…the hardest word.

Wifey and I were talking about the latest gossip about a friend of ours last night. Given that it came directly FROM said person means I am not sure if it can be classified as “gossip”, but when you start out a conversation with “Oh, guess what I heard about…”, I tend to qualify it as gossip, even if it is first hand.

Generally speaking the conversation was about how someone we know has been told that he is the father of the baby this girl is carrying. He and this girl had a fling that lasted about a week, and evidently she has been with 2 other guys around the “conception” window, but he will not get the DNA test to prove paternity. The $600 cuts too deep into his “party” funds, so he doesn’t want to do it.

Anyway, we get all this from his mother, who is a friend and former teacher of one of my boys. She is a very nice lady and is very upset about this because if it IS her grandchild, she wants to make sure it is taken care of properly. Given that said young man is in the military, there is the possibility that this may be a scam to get some benefits out of this guy, but nobody will be sure until an actual DNA test is done.

As we were talking about this, we reminisced about another close friend of ours who’s daughter got pregnant about 14 years ago. They really stepped up to the plate and helped raise this child. The daughter (at the time) was a spoiled little brat and really just stuck it to her parents who made sure this little baby boy had a good home and all the love anybody could ask for. Wifey and I talked about what we would do if this happened to our boys, which led to the actual reason for this post. (in other words, I told you all of that to tell you this).

As far as I know, the now very grown up daughter of our friends has never told her parents how much she appreciates all that they have done for her and her son. We know this because we still see these people about twice a year, and we keep up on how the boy is doing. We have talked about the whole event, and I always hear a bit of sadness in their voices regarding that whole thing.

A side note to that part of the story. We have seen this young boy grow up into a VERY nice young man. This is absolutely because of the involvement of the grandparents. These are wonderful people, and although it was a HUGE upset in their lives both financially and emotionally, they really stepped up and have done a wonderful thing for this child.

As this conversation carried on, we started talking about apologies. How do you apologize for past wrongs, indiscretions, bad choices, etc. In her family, there is still a very large rift between wifey’s sister and her father. This rift was created many years ago when my father in law took my sister in law (In-laws’ are divorced, and have been for many many years) in because she was just having so many problems and mother in law didn’t know how to deal with her anymore. Not long after SIL was with FIL, she ended up stealing a bunch of money out of FIL’s bank account, plus a few other things that were just bad. Ever since those incidences, there has been this huge rift.

Now, many years later, SIL has really cleaned up her act. She is married to a great guy, has a great job, and is just generally a very nice woman. We have seen the transition, and both wifey and I are very proud of her, and tell her this often. But even with all this success she has had, she has not been able to reconcile with her father.

The saddest part of it all? FIL has told us that all he wants is an apology, and an offer of financial restitution. I know it sounds silly, because he would not actually accept the money back, but the gesture is huge for him. Both my MIL and SIL have no clue why this is important, and because they cannot understand it, they make him out to be this huge asshole for not trying to have a relationship with his daughter. I think it is a bit silly to let the indiscretions of youth keep you from your daughter, but this is a big deal for him so I wonder why my SIL cannot seem to grasp that.

All of this started me thinking more about apologies though. I have done things in my life that required an honest apology if I wanted to have any sort of relationship with the person I “wronged”. I have tried to do it as best I can. I don’t know if it made any difference, and honestly I didn’t do it to “get something” back. I did it because I knew I was wrong, and felt the person deserved to know that I knew.

I have also received a few apologies in my time. Some I felt were “forced”, and others truly felt honest and sincere. When I apologized, it did not necessarily make the guilt and sadness go away, but it did help me process through it, and helped me move past it, eventually. When I received the truly sincere apologies from others, it really made a difference in how I saw that relationship. I felt that it allowed a new chapter to start with those people, and hopefully helped those people to work past whatever issues they were having.

There has also been several things in the news over the last couple of months where someone was caught doing something, and offered an apology. These apologies were basically saying “I am sorry I got caught” or “I am sorry that you reacted to what I did in that way”, which to me is not really an apology, but an attempt to stop the world from judging you. It is my personal opinion that if you offer an apology to stop the “effect” (or is it “affect”, I can never quite get that right) of what you did from causing you hardship, then it is not a true apology.

This is a VERY long way to say a simple thing, but it also helps me understand how saying “I am sorry” can be so hard, but also may help solve many lingering issues in our lives. It is also another example of how something simple is not easy.

To wrap this post up, my wife and I have told our friends over and over again what a great job they have done in helping their grandson become such a wonderful young man. We know it is not the same as an apology and appreciation from their daughter, but we feel it is important that they know their work was not in vain. Also, I hope that the few people I have had to truly offer an apology to understand that I meant every word. I also really appreciate the few people that have given me a sincere apology. It means a lot that you cared enough to go through that hard process.

Have a wonderful Monday everybody!

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, but life has been pretty crazy lately. I have been able to get through a few time consuming things this summer, and honestly I have really missed writing. I hope this is the kick off of many more posts, both here, and on my Second Life Average Guy blog.

Anyway, the there are two subjects I am going to be writing about today. The first one is Manners.

I have seen several plurks recently, and had a few personal experiences with people, young people specifically who have just been very rude. I am constantly amazed by this. I don’t expect people to be the model of decorum at all times, but what ever happened to common courtesy?

If you cut off somebody in the grocery store, am I the only one what automatically says “excuse me”? Has our society degraded so far that our children are no longer capable of having a real conversation with someone? Does personal interaction, even just a polite comment like “oh, since you only have 3 items and I have 400,000, why don’t you go ahead of me” not seem to be part of the upbringing of people anymore? I get the weirdest looks when I do stuff like that. I get comments on how “polite and very courteous” my boys are. I have to admit I like hearing it, but the fact that they get praised for doing the most basic common courtesy is just amazing to me.

I had another very busy weekend, and since my family was out of town, I called on my brother to come over and dog sit for me. He is always happy to do it, and I really appreciate that. Not only did he come over and just be here for the dogs (one of them is currently on anti-seizure meds that have to be administered on a regular time schedule), he tidied up the whole house, and did several little things that were above and beyond the call of duty.

So this morning, as part of my thank you, I took him out to breakfast at one of the local cafe’s. We walked in, said good morning, found a couple of stools at the counter, and talked and read the paper and just had a very nice breakfast. Through out the entire breakfast, my brother said please and thank you to the wait staff that was serving us. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but let me explain.

My brother is one of many in my family that was adopted. He is from a foreign country, and can barely speak english. He is somewhat mentally handicapped, but is able to live on his own, and basically take care of himself. In order to really be able to communicate with him, you have to be around him for quite a while before you start to understand “his” brand of english. It took my wife about 6 months before she finally caught on to his language. He is in his late 30’s, and is doing ok for himself. But for someone with all these issues, he is able to display common courtesy on a day to day basis.

Now, as my boys have been growing up, my wife and I did two things very specifically. One, we model the behavior that we expect from them. Both my wife and I use the words “please” and “thank you” on a regular basis, even with talking with our kids. When we ask them to do something, there is always a please at the beginning of the request, and a thank you at the end. The second thing we do is if we are in a public setting, we always make sure that our boys behave properly. If they forget their manners temporarily, we remind them, gently. These reminders have diminished over the years, but we still jump in from time to time. This to me is basic parenting.

I will be the first to admit, that not every child can be schooled this way, because every child is different. But I am having a hard time believing that the sheer number of children I run into and deal with are all so obstinate that they cannot pick up basic courtesy that would have been displayed by their parents? As judgmental as it sounds, I do absolutely blame the parents. If I heard about or witnessed one of my boys behaving as I see many of these kids today, they would be set straight right away, and not in some touchy feely “oh, I must be care and not hurt their feelings” kinda way either.

Ok, on to my second rant of the day. And this one is directed right at all the guys out there.

Recently, one of my online friends had a break-up. I understand that it happens. Not every relationship lasts, and that it is kinda part of life I understand. What I don’t understand is this need to “belittle” the ex.

For whatever the reason the break-up happened, there is absolutely no need to start degrading the ex to everybody, and especially not directly to the ex’s face! So your relationship didn’t work out. It sucks, especially if it was not a cordial break-up. I don’t care what the reasons are for the break-up, it happened and now it’s time to move on.

I do want to clarify that a bit. If the reason of the break-up is an abuse situation, and since this aimed at the guys, if you actually abuse your woman, or your kids, or both, then if I ever meet you in a dark alley, I will personally beat you within an inch of your life, because there is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for that. Before my wife and I got married, I told her that the only time she would ever get a call from me from the slammer would be that I saw some guy physically assaulting a woman or a child, and I would not stand for that. That is how I was raised, and that is the person I am. I don’t care what the consequences are, but if I witness that, I am in 100%.

Now, back to my original point. Guys, the moment you start to talk about your ex in a way that is personally degrading, you will get no sympathy from me. Break-ups are hard. Trust me I know. But I don’t care HOW mean you say she was, or how she treated you (assuming it was the guy that was left), you DO NOT RESORT TO PERSONAL ATTACKS. Now, if you (the guy) are at fault, for any reason, then take what I just said, and multiply it by 1 million. If you do something stupid and you lose your girl over it, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT start to bad mouth her around.

Be a man, admit your mistake, and move on. Do not resort to juvenile comments about how she might look, or how she cooks or whatever. I am going old school on this, but if you are not man enough to admit your mistakes, then you have no place bad mouthing anybody else, especially the person that you WERE in a relationship with. Grow a pair!

Ok, I am done ranting.

I promise that future blog posts will not be all bitchy. I just have had these two issues on my mind for a little while now, and it feels really good to get them off my chest.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Til next time.

I am having quite a day today.

Yesterday, I got a call from my dad.  He was just down the street and wanted to talk to me about something.   Normally my dad talk about once a week, and its very superficial.   I don’t mind that so much, because we have been getting along for quite a while now, and after a spell of not getting along, it has been very nice.

So he came up to my office, and asked me about something.  A quick background:  My Dad has been in construction my entire life.   I spent summers working on his crew building houses and commercial buildings.  I have always enjoyed driving through areas we lived with my boys, and pointing out all the houses and buildings that my dad built and that I helped on.

My dad is 68 years old, and has semi-retired.   The housing crash has been hard on him, but he is doing what he always does.  He finds a way to take his talents and make something happen.   He is starting a handyman service in our area.

Somebody mentioned to him about looking into a “Business Networking” type group to promote his new business.   I have been in a few of these myself, and when I had my own computer business, they worked very well for me.   I still keep in contact with quite a few of the people in one particular group, so I called and set up an invite for him (you need to be invited to many of these types of groups).

I met with my dad and my associate this morning to introduce them, and to get my dad settled at this group meeting.  As we were talking in the parking lot, other members started to show up.  The people I knew came up and said hi, lots of hugs and stuff, and they convinced me to stay for the meeting to see everybody.  It was not hard to convince me.

So we had our meeting, my dad stood up and introduced himself and explained what his new business was all about.  I got the normal ribbing I get from these people, and I gave as good as I got.  The meeting was really fun and it was good to see all these great people again.

After the meeting, several people came over to talk to my dad.   They were very interested in his services and wanted to talk to him more about work they needed to have done.   He was talking away about some of the things he had done so far to promote, and it was nice to hear these people give him some other ideas that he could try.  I could hear the frustration in his voice about stuff that he had tried to generate business, to very little success.

We walked out of there an hour later, and my dad had at least 4 contacts for new work in his hand.  My dad is not a very expressive type of guy, but I could tell he was excited about it.
So there we were standing in the parking lot.  I was helping him figure out something on his cell phone, and he was chatting away like a giddy little school girl.   As we finished up, we hugged, and he said “I am very proud of you” quietly in my ear.

We did the manly hug and arm punch thing, and all I could say was “thanks dad”.  We got into our vehicles and drove off to our respective days.

And of course, on the way to my office, the radio started playing “My fathers eyes” by Eric Clapton.  Gotta love how the Universe works right?

As I mentioned earlier, my dad and I have not always gotten along.   As the years go on, I am learning something though.   I am discovering that my dad, even when he is pushing my buttons, is always trying to teach me something.  I will never be able to thank him enough for that.

Anyway, I know Fathers day is still a bit away, but I just wanted to say it now.

I love my Dad.