Just when i thought i had it all figured out…

Just when I got used to getting my period like clockwork, BAM! I don’t start my period. The only reason why i thought about it was someone just recently asked me if we were still trying and i had no idea when my last pweiod started. That took some effort figuring that out lol! Here I am 3 days late and in the midst of waiting for answers. Of course when I was one day late I tested. This is so not like my body. Why the torture now? We have just started getting used to the fact that I will probably never be pregnant. Since Brady is almost 11 we’ve been thinking of all the fun things we’ll be able to do since our friends are just now starting their families. And then this happens. Why does the universe like playing tricks on me?? I tested again today, negative. I just would like to know either way, because this is making me go crazy! Of course, I would love a less than 3% chance miracle, but geez, this whole waiting game SUCKS! My body has been feeling super out of whack the last week or so now that I think about it, but maybe it’s my mind playing tricks on me. And then I started cramping like AF was about to start…and nothing! I guess we shall see…

X

Amanda

Standard

To share or not to share

Ok, so since this week is Infertility Awareness week, I have been seriously considering posting our story on my fb page. Pros: I could help someone feel like they’re not alone, educate and make people aware that this is real and going on all around them, give others the courage to tell their story. Cons: it puts me in a very vulnerable position, I open up the can of worms for questions that I might not want to answer to the nosy people who just want to know and not really care, and I feel everyone will be watching and waiting for me to get pregnant. But I feel like if there’s a possibility to reach even one person, I shouldn’t care about the cons. The point is to help someone and educate others on infertility, right?! Help! Any insight on this? I would really love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

X

Amanda

Standard

Secondary infertility- being grateful

If you’ve read my first few posts, you know that I am struggling with secondary infertility. I don’t think I’ve ever referenced that term before, but I do have a 10 year old from a previous relationship. We were young, thought to be in love, but he made some really bad decisions and I knew I couldn’t stick around for Brady’s sake. Fast forward to me and my husband. Been together for about 7 years and married for almost 3. He’s been around for most of Brady’s life and is an amazing dad! Going through what I have the past 3 years have made me even more thankful for my blessing 10 years ago. I was young and did not appreciate my pregnancy like I should have. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him when he was growing inside me and even more when I laid my eyes on him, but I have become more grateful for him than I ever have in these last 3 years. He might be my only child that I ever have, and I really try to remember that when he makes bad decisions, talks back, has attitude, and says mean things to me. This might be the only little person that I get to watch grow every single day and I try to remember that during the difficult times. I think when I was younger, I took for granted how easily I got pregnant, and looking back, I probably made my other friends who were struggling with infertility (I didn’t find out their struggle until years later when I shared my story) feel the sting that I feel now. It’s funny how much people open up about infertility when someone else starts the conversation. I know there are some that say I should be happy I have at least one child, and I am, believe me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be sad knowing he might be my only. I decided to write this today because my son’s dad is not making the effort to be around as much as he should. He lives out of town so I cut him some slack due to that, but he always had his head somewhere else when he is around and I seem to be making excuses for him when he can’t make big events. I know he loves him, but I just don’t think he is always thankful for what he has. This is not to bash him, but it has made me realize how thankful I am for my son and I just don’t think his dad really knows how much of a blessing he has. I am so grateful that I have the support of my infertility sisters and I know I can say anything and not be judged. I am so thankful for this community and I wish one day we are all have our babies however that is accomplished! Good luck and baby dust to you all! X Amanda

Standard

Wishing I had better news…3-4 month hiatus update

So it seems as I have fallen off the face of the planet in the blog world. I have been keeping up with everyone else, I just didn’t know what exactly I wanted to say.

Last time I gave an update I was in my 2ww. Well, my first, and unfortunately, probably my last IVF attempt, was a BFF (big fat fail). I went in for my beta at 14dp2dt and my number was a 3. Most likely chemical pregnancy. I wanted answers. I knew it was probably a long shot considering I have old lady eggs, but I scheduled my follow up. Since we have to pay out of pocket for all IVF expenses, we knew already that we couldn’t afford it again. I told Dr. S I wanted a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to see if there was anything else that could have hindered out little embie from sticking around. We scheduled my surgery for the following week. Lap showed stage 2 endo (which I have had before) but he said the scarring was old and only on my ovaries. Hysteroscopy came back fine. Dr. S did say one of my ovaries looked shriveled up. The news just keeps getting better. I have old lady eggs and 1 old lady ovary.

The next step would be to start treatments again. I told Dr. S we couldn’t afford IVF again so he suggested we start IUIs again. No thanks. Those don’t work either. Then he suggested donor eggs. Nope, don’t want to do that either. I asked for some prescriptions of Femara and to not be monitored. I would do OPKs and call if I became pregnant. I am not at risk of OHSS so he gave the ok. I honestly think he felt sorry for me. I didn’t mind though. Four months with no dr. appointments? Score!

Well, I took the femara for 4 months. No pregnancy. I never once used an OPK. I didn’t even want to pay for anything pregnancy related. I should have just taken a break. Why continue when you don’t give your all? All or nothing, right? I haven’t even called the dr. to ask for more refills, nor do I care to right now. They would probably make me come in to start different treatment, and I don’t want to. I am finally taking my first official break in 3 years. It feels fabulous! When people ask what’s going on with our TTC, I say we aren’t doing anything else. I go into detail that we tried for 3 years. Naturally. Medicated. Medicated IUI. IVF. Nothing worked. I love to see the embarrassment on their face when they realized they have asked too much. Maybe it will make them think twice before questioning other couples about when they will have children. I want people to know my story without feeling sorry for me. Yes, it sucks, I know that. But don’t make me feel worse by throwing me a pity party.

My sister-in-law still hasn’t told me she is pregnant. My husband told me because he tells me everything (thankfully). And I overheard my brother-in-law telling one of my girlfriends that she couldn’t attend a bachelorette party because she was expecting but “just don’t tell Amanda because we don’t know how she will take it”. I swear, these people really must not know me. I LOVE babies! I am not mad because my sister-in-law is pregnant, or my sister who just had a baby, and not one of my best friends who got pregnant on accident. I am mad at MYSELF for not being able to get pregnant. Yes, it might sting a bit, but that’s it. I won’t be mad at you. I won’t hate you. I will love that baby with my whole heart.

We are still trying naturally for now, but I am not using OPKs, no temp charting, nothing. Just good ol’ fashioned ‘I get to have sex with my husband not on purpose’, sex!

Until next time…

X

-Amanda

Standard

the good, bad, and ugly

Good news! They retrieved 6 eggs! 5 were mature!

Off to Disneyland for a day with my almost 10 year old and a good friend to soak up not having eggs and being to ride rides.

The bad. Only one egg left. Won’t know if it’s even good until tomorrow while I’m driving home to make my 1045 appt.

The ugly. My eggs suck! 3 of the eggs desinigrated and one didn’t fertilize. How do I have shitty eggs at 30?? So depressing.

Happy thoughts my way please! One is better than none!

X

Amanda

Standard

Finally on the IVF train!

All aboard! I got the OK from the Dr today and will be moving forward with retrieval! I also found out that we now have 6 eggs ready. This is such exciting news since we have never made it this far or have had this many eggs that were the right size all at the same time. Retrieval on Saturday and transfer 2-5 days later. I am so excited I can’t even contain it right now! I am definitely not out of the woods yet but I can’t worry about that right now. Happy thoughts my way please! 🙂

X

Amanda

Standard

Two Week Wait 1 of 2

Does anyone else feel like their 2 weeks from start of AF, going through stims and waiting for ovulation is the first two week wait? So I am almost done with my two week wait before egg retrieval. It looks like we may make it to retrieval date this time! Yay!! I went in for my scan and blood work after a week of being on meds. The good thing about being a poor responder is I don’t have as many appointments leading up to ovulation as someone who may have a chance of OHSS.

I had my cyst aspirated last Monday, start micodose Lupron Monday night, Femara on Wednesday and Gonal F on Friday. I was so excited when I found out that I have 5, yes 5, potential follicles growing, 2-10s, 2-12s, and one 15! My stupid cyst did show up, but I am so far along in my cycle, and most likely only have a few days left, that dr didn’t see it as much of a problem. I am continuing my microdose Lupron and Gonal for a couple more days, then back for a check up tomorrow. Hopefully I can schedule my retrieval for Sunday. They told me Saturday or Sunday, but my son has a playoff football game and I prefer not to go to the game all loopy (as my husband would say) because I will not miss his game.

Hoping I will have more good news after tomorrow morning and actually get to have my first, and hopefully last, egg retrieval!

x

Amanda

Standard

IVF #3 I hate cysts!

So AF came on Tuesday night full flow Wednesday. I had been on progesterone since I got my BFN which I was already planning on considering I spontaneously ovulated and wasn’t sure if we had sex at the right time. I was supposed to do IUI. Moving on.

Had my bloodwork done this morning and Dr appt for my scan to get things started today. Got my meds and all prescriptions filled yesterday and I was ready to go! Then during my scan they discovered another lovely cyst. Probably because I didn’t do the stupid BCP. What a way to start my Friday! I don’t know the size but the results of my blood work showed that it was producing hormones and my options were to start BCP (hell no!) or skip the cycle (another hell no!). Now this the time that other blogs and Dr Google come into the picture to help me! I was reading that other people with the same problem have had the cyst aspirated to have things move along quicker. When Dr came in to tell me my two options I asked about aspirating the cyst so I didn’t have to wait any longer. I didn’t want to cancel since they skip IVF for the holidays and my next chance wouldn’t be until after the new year. He was hesitant at first but then gave me the ok.

So I go in on Monday to have the cyst aspirated and start meds on Tuesday. Seriously if there is any obstacle going through all of this, I think I have faced them all! Soooo beyond frustrating! At least I don’t lose this cycle thank goodness!

My patience is running thin and if this cycle doesn’t work, I think I may just call it quits. Everything that we do is out of pocket and I don’t think I could go through go through this again.

Well, at least I have the weekend and I may make the most of it. Starting with a glass of wine tonight and maybe a massage. I need some relaxation!

Positive thoughts my way please! And if you’ve ever gone through having cysts aspirated, what do I have to look forward to?

X

Amanda

Standard

Almost ready for IVF try #3

So I haven’t been updating with my last cycles as much as I have wanted to because I hate adding posts from my phone. I always feel like I make so many grammatical errors and that really bugs me…so here I am sending an update out today.

What has been going on with me? Well, last cycle we decided to just go ahead with Femara and timed intercourse just to keep my body stimulated. I knew I didn’t want to try IVF again until I could get all of the BC out of my system that set me back on getting stimulated for my IVF cycles. That cycle didn’t work. It also left my husband and I on pins and needles trying to fit in sex into our crazy schedules. He works nights and Brady has some type of practice every night so it felt forced. Not even fun.

So here I am on my current cycle. I don’t even know how many days past ovulation I am. I wanted to do a trial of a different protocol to use for my upcoming IVF cycle to see how I would respond. Well, I don’t even know how I would respond because I went in for my ultrasound check and I had already ovulated! WTF?! I don’t ovulate on my own. But this month I did. I started my meds on cycle day 5 instead of 3 and I did Femara and Gonal. I don’t know what happened but thank goodness we were having sex during that period of time so it still gives us somewhat of a chance. I still don’t feel very optimistic about this cycle but I am definitely ready for our next IVF try. I am hoping for at least 4 good follicles. I don’t have much to work with so I hope my body can finally give me something that I feel comfortable with moving forward. My other IVF attempts were cancelled and switched to IUI since I didn’t have enough follicles. I REFUSE to be put back on BC just to sync my cycle up with everyone else that is doing IVF for that session. Now I am throwing in the towel and moving forward with whatever we get with our next try. I can’t keep wasting time hoping for my body to produce something that it can’t. I will just take what I can get and hope for the best quality eggs since I am not that old (I just celebrated my 31st birthday).

I have been keeping tabs on everyone else and it makes me so sad to hear about losses after finally getting a BFP. I have never had a MC, so I don’t know how that feels, and I can honestly say I don’t ever want to experience that. My thoughts are with everyone who has ever had to experience that kind of loss. To want something so bad, for so long, then to have it taken from you- that is my worst fear.

x, baby dust to all!

-Amanda

Standard

Not trying…but still kinda trying

So since I started AF almost 2 weeks ago, I have been keeping busy with school starting and football practice for Brady. My husband and I decided to wait until the November cycle to try IVF again. I think the bc pills really screwed with my system and put me back to sqaure one. So for the next three months I won’t be doing IUI or IVF. I did ask my dr to prescribe me femara so I could still keep my ovaries active and get them back to where they were before the dreaded bc pills. Thankfully I’ll be taking something to keep my ovaries working. I go in for an ultrasound on Tuesday and we’ll trigger sometime soon after that and then it will be lots of sex for us! You’d think that would sound fun but it sucks when you get stuck in the motions and it’s not so fun anymore. Oh the joys of dealing with infertility! I think this month will be different though considering I have thrown my hands in the air and said F it to everything. I have put my mind to “whatever happens happens” with these next few cycles. It all started when I forgot to pick up my meds. I was supposed to start them on a Friday but forgot to get them so I started them on Saturday (cd4). I figured one day wouldn’t be so different. Some people start them on cd5 anyways. I haven’t been stressing about stupid stuff as much as I normally do so that has to be a plus, right?! So for now I’m taking my vitamins and baby aspirin like normal and just going with the flow. I’m not getting my hopes up over the next few months. All this time is for is to recharge my ovaries so I can get more eggs for our next IVF try.

Here’s to drinking wine and not giving a fuck these next few months! Maybe I won’t be such a raging bitch without all my super hormones I’m not having to inject myself with during the next few months. Oh, the bright side!

Standard