It is a unique club being late diagnosed level one autistic and while a few struggle with that understanding…I promise you so many more are SO relieved and so grateful to finally know what their entire life was about and what they personally were about. Unless you walk in these shoes…there is no way to explain to you what it feels like to always know deep down that there is something different going on with you..but no answers for what it even is. I watch people have complete change of life..reborn..moments a lot in groups I am a part of. I had my own at 50 yrs old. And I want to explain to you that this is not in any way a sad thing that is happening for people. The only sad is in how long it took to understdand what was going on and the trauma from living a life where your specific to you needs were not being met. These are things we cant change or erase. But we can change how we go forward.
It is a very good life changing in a very positive way thing. To finally know what it is..to know you have ways to deal with it all better and in a more positive way..and help yourself and most of all quiet that inner voice that told you constantly how inadequate and wrong you were compared to others..it is a thing to celebrate and be happy for people about. We are HAPPY to know. Most of us are. You absolutely can feel happy for us too and should. We don’t want pity. We despretely need understanding. We want things like “I am so thrilled for you.” Or “I am so happy for you.” kind of responses. Because WE feel happy about this. We feel thrilled and grateful to finally know what we always felt was…real. We were not imagining it or lazy or “babies” or stubborn. Or wrong for just feeling what we felt.

Late diagnosed autists often feel they were never really listened to about real things they were feeling. It is validating to know we weren’t imagining these things that made us feel like life was a bit harder for us. And we want you to celebrate this “knowing” with us.
I am okay now. I mean generally speaking. lol
I still struggle with a lot that no one but myself and fellow autists will ever be able to truly understand what daily life is for us inside our minds and body’s. But it was one of the best days of my life to be diagnosed. My childrens births…and my autism diagnosis. In that order. To have the answers finally. To really finally know what it all was can’t help but feel huge and affirming. And we want you to understand and share that relief and joy in knowing. It’s always and forever will be about being and feeling understood. And this too…the aftermath of being diagnosed…we really want people to understand this too in the way we understand it. It is a good thing.

My bullies were the sort that acted like they weren’t bullies and would ask me questions in front of people so they could laugh at my answers and embarrass me in front of my peers. (Because I was honest and didn’t understand the setup.) I did eventually figure this out and stopped being a willing participant in their game and they couldn’t continue doing that to me. So in a sense..ignoring them did work.
No way I could be quick enough to answer back with something snarky. I still to this day at 52 yrs old think about comebacks I could have said but wasn’t able to in a moment. So that’s fun.

What would have been great is to never have these sort of passive aggressive bullies to begin with. Recently one of those school bullies sent me a Facebook friend request. It was really nice to delete that request. Felt like I had control for once and had a choice of who I allowed into my space. In school I didn’t have a choice.

It has been interesting understanding all of this now from a different perspective after being diagnosed autistic. I think for the longest time while I knew who was not always kind or fair to me and who I had trouble feeling comfortable around..I didn’t really accept the fact that I was bullied. I mean I never had anyone stand in front of me and taunt me or verbally abuse me. It wasn’t like a scene from a movie where it was very obvious who the bully was. It was very…these girls who bullied me were in some ways part of the group of people I was friends with. They were accepted in my group of friends. Not once when this bullying happened did anyone stop them or say “hey that’s not cool, leave her alone.” So while I knew I didn’t care to be around them and didn’t like what they were doing once I caught on…I didn’t feel anyone else could see it and it was just mine alone to deal with. And I felt that way because there were moments when it made me upset and I would confide in a fellow friend and the response would be “aww I don’t think she meant anything by that.”

“You’re on you own kid…you always have been.” (A line from a Taylor Swift song that I have always deeply identified with.)

I have been going through a process of first understanding this for what it was..even if I already did a little..but now with the understanding of why I always felt like a target with some. Because I was. Sharks smell blood in the water. I was an easy target. I was automatically not liked by some for just existing. A common mind blowing thing autistics have against them right out of the gate. I never understood that…until now. All those moments in my life where I was all “well for fucks sake at least get to know me before you hate me..” was in fact a thing. But in knowing that it does take the sting away some. At least it wasn’t another personal character flaw. It’s science. But what wasn’t science was the people who then made the choice to poke the tiger because they could. No forgiveness for these sort. It wasn’t okay. I did feel very alone most my life because I really was on my own. At least I was with my school friends.

On occasion thought out my life I did have “protectors” but they were weirdly always strangers to me. They weren’t the people I grew up with. Again..it made me feel.. well they know me..so I must somehow deserve it.

My 35th class reunion is coming up in October. Weirdly on my youngest’s birthday. I can think of a million other things I would rather be doing than to hang out with a bunch of people I never truly felt close to or valued by. I don’t have good and nostalgic memories of school. I have a lot of I survived each moment best I could memories of school. I have a lot of wishing I was really included but always knowing I wasn’t really included memories of school. I have a lot of mistakes I made thinking in the moment that I was special somehow but really I wasn’t and was just being used because they could. I don’t have good memories of High School. I’m not the adult peer who is invited to go on yearly trips with the girls to a beach somewhere as an adult. I was weird then. I am weird now. And I won’t be missed at another school reunion.

My senior dinner in 1990 summed up the totality of my school experience with the ultimate passive aggressive bullying from my peers and a big ol fuck you on the way out. And it felt exactly like that. I was given the female title of “Biggest Leach” of my class from my peers. My friend Bob was given the male title from our class. He was a sweet guy and in hindsight…possibly autistic as well. He was very into old movies…ya…he very well might have been autistic too and was always the tag along friend…much like I was. I was horrified about this then..and still am. All those years when I had tried so hard to fit in..be like the others..do as the others did while living in a home life that was very religious and very controlling. I wasn’t allowed to attend school games or dances. They were worldly and secular events in my mother’s opinion and my father most certainly wasn’t going to drop me off and pick me up from them at that time of night. In order to be like the others and go to school games and dances and be an active part of this school society…I did have to sleep over at friends houses a lot. I did find refuge in being at my friend’s homes and I couldn’t have done that without asking them if I could a lot. (Remember I wasn’t just automatically invited. No one was all “we need Anne to be here!”) So the very thing that I had to do to feel part of my peer group..was in the end used to humiliate and label me. No one strives to be “Biggest Leach” of your class. It’s not a win. God it hurt me so deeply. But I never once let anyone know that. I put on that paper sash…(oh ya there was a fucking sash that said “Biggest Leach”)…over my vintage thrift shop off the shoulder dress I was so excited to be wearing and felt so beautiful in and I laughed it off. I sat there wearing it and laughed it off. Making certain to take it off when it came to photo time.

I can forgive…I can move on and have..but I can’t forget that. In the moment it summed it all up for me with a clear message about what my place was and that never changed. There will never be a “wow we sucked doing that to you”. You would have to know it was shitty to begin with. What I do know is…when that vote was taken before that senior dinner and paper passed around to vote on each title for our fellow classmates…I chose to leave that part blank because it didn’t feel okay to me then. I chose not to vote and write down a name because it felt wrong and yucky. And there lies the difference between me and my peers. And I am so glad to be this way. I am relieved I am the kind of person who wouldn’t do that to someone let alone a fellow classmate.

I won’t be going to my 35th class reunion because I really have nothing to go back for or reminisce about. I don’t need to go back. I’m grateful I survived it all. I’m grateful I traveled and moved far away from all that. I love the friends I had in school. Every single one was special to me. We were young and many things weren’t processed the way they are now. I get that. I don’t hold grudges in any way. I just wish for that former me that I was that I had been treated more fairly. I wish I would have felt part of it all and just normal. And I didn’t say anything…I didn’t know how to and I didn’t want to be drama. And I really didn’t want to say it out loud and make it true.

If half the things people assumed about me were true I would be living quite the exciting life. The truth is the majority of the time I’m just trying to get through a day of “wtf now” on repeat. It’s always been pretty interesting to hear in moments who folks think I am. I almost dont want to ruin it for them with the truth. I sound like I actually have color with some.
I am very vanilla. Painfully so in moments. I dont really fit in anywhere. I dont socialize much. I dont have near to me besties and most of the besties I do have probably wouldn’t even know they are a bestie and it’s not a returned sentiment. I think you have to actually hang out for that title to apply. I keep my life pretty low key and I’m super jealous of those who have any kind of intent or plan. I do not like conflict of any sort to a point where it freezes me from reacting unless you 100% prove to me your intent is no bueno and hurting me. And even then I’ve rebuilt burned bridges. Even then I’ve forgiven bad moments in someone’s life that spilled onto me.
I’m not perfect either. I have bad days too. Sometimes I say things I don’t really mean in the heat of a moment and have regret about that.

But I really don’t understand why people assume anything about someone like me. I don’t understand why I’m not just asked. Why go through the trouble of assuming when you could just ask me. But people don’t trust that. They don’t trust the truth from the source. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to always have a target and villain. I don’t know. I barely care. I just find it so interesting and sometimes frustrating that someone feels they can sum me up without ever asking me. Without ever really knowing me. Like, spend some time with me before assuming anything. Snore fest. That’s what you will discover about me. Hardly worth the trouble or drama. I’m just me. Just here. Just trying to figure out how to life and stuff. Not sure if I ever will but I’m here and trying. Just like you but way more vanilla.

It was insulting to me to be told to “just get over it” the first time he was elected as if losing a political game was why I felt devistated for our country and more deeply for myself and my daughters.
As if this were a game. I was devistated because we had proof through women’s testimonies that he was a rapist and pedophile and this was going to be the guy people trusted to lead a nation and even allowed into the Oval Office. Because the lowest of the low was awarded and was getting away with it and once again women were not believed.

So don’t ever..ever…try to tell me I am a sore loser and being overly dramatic about any of this. Don’t. I am one of these women. Many of us are. This isn’t a game to us. This is blatant proof we are not believed..not valued..not respected BECAUSE we are women. And that’s not okay. And it shouldn’t ever be okay for anyone.
None of this is okay. It is deeply personal and it is deeply telling about just how deeply engrained this false idea is in our society that women are less than and not to be trusted or believed. And now there are pastors again preaching about how we don’t even deserve to vote. What kind of backwards country are you forcing us all to be in if you agree and support any of this.