The lyrics above got me thinking – what do I hunger after? I can’t say it’s money, though I’m grateful I have some. I can’t say it’s bread, though I am a sucker for a fresh loaf slathered in butter. In my last post I spoke of true sadness. I think what I hunger after is true joy. And beauty.
My happiness level goes up and down with circumstances. But, I’ve always heard joy is not the same as happiness.
“…true joy—joy that is genuine in God’s eyes—really depends on a person’s ability to delight in the right things…True joy is the response of delight to what God delights in…A Christian learns to respond to the near in light of the far. He responds to the difficulty of his immediate situation as if the delight of his eventual situation were more important.” – Jeremy Pierre/Tabletalk
I also hunger after beauty, which is why I have spent more time traveling the past few years. I miss the hills and fall colors on trails that aren’t flat. I have to really look hard to find beauty here in Tampa, but I know it’s here. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe I need to have my eyes checked.
In the aftermath of hurricane Helene, so many of us are experiencing true sadness. I find myself putting the Avett Brothers albums on my turntable more frequently. Today I turned to their album, True Sadness. I think it was the first one we bought. I remember reading Matt Redmond’s praise of it and didn’t get it then as much as I do now.
I don’t need to step out my front door – it’s all there on my laptop. The evil, the grief, the sadness. But I DO know the kingdom of God is within me, yet the battle will continue.
Chorus:
Cause I still wake up, shaken by dreams And I hate to say it, but the way it seems Is that no one is fine Take the time, to peel a few layers And you will find True sadness
Yes, I am not fine. But I am His.
In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. – Psalm 18:6
I can’r remember where I read that recently, but it brought to mind how Chuck and I, by God’s grace, were never totally down-and-out at the same time. After we got the boot from the church in south Georgia in 1989, he was down for months. Perhaps, really, off and on for years. But he was always my strength when I needed him. He was there to lean on when I lost my parents and two of my closest friends. I can only hope he felt the same way about me when his parents died. And when his job was hard. And when he got the news of his cancer.
But, the thing is, even if we failed in our encouragements, Christ was always there. He was there even when we did not acknowledge Him. He IS there – HERE- for me each day. I never thank Him enough.
“and he said: “Lord God of Israel, there is no God in heaven or on earth like You, who keep Your covenant and mercy with Your servants who walk before You with all their hearts. ” Chronicles 6:14
“You know, there is absolutely no reason to become upset and excited over some unfortunate event that has already occurred. Too late to prevent it. Just accept the outcome, keep cool, smile, vow that such a thing will never happen again.” Jack Montrose
These words came to me not long after I made a stupid financial decision, but they can apply to many different situations.
I have not written a blog post in over a year. Over 15 months. I have missed it. My one faithful reader has passed on now, but her encouragement lives on in my heart. Last year I set aside writing/blogging; perhaps was a little burned out. I turned to paint-by-number for my art therapy. And now I’m working on a 1000-piece puzzle. I’m still working part-time, which is necessary for several reasons, but it’s the hours of quiet at home I try to fill. Perhaps I need to apply the words of scripture on the shirt that my cousin’s wife gave me:
“Be Still And Know That I Am God” – Psalm 46:10
As I sit here in the midst of the beginnings of the effects of Helene, I have much on my mind. That’s my excuse for the rambling. My hope, my goal, is to get “back in the saddle” of writing.
Three years ago yesterday. Sometimes when I think back it feels like it happened to another person. But, I know it was me. Because after three years I still cry. I miss him still in so many ways.
Facebook memories have a way of triggering emotions – some happy, some sad, sometimes both at once. Like yesterday..
Four years ago, June 15th was a Saturday. I remember going to this coffee shop for the first, and only, time. We were headed out on one of our Saturday morning adventures. It may have been to Pepper Place, or a record shop, or a bookstore. As we sat there enjoying our coffee, “I and Love and You” began to play. It was one of only two times we heard The Avett Brothers in-the-wild (out in public).
“Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north”
But, we were headed south in our hearts in 2019; had been talking about our move to Jacksonville for several years. It didn’t turn out how we’d planned. But, if he were here today I’d say, “I and love and you… forever.”
I think I’m about finished with paperwork for a while. Today I saw an attorney and finalized my estate-trust deed, will, and final wishes. My goal was to keep my kids out of probate court when the time comes.
For the past 27 ½ months I have had a real education in legal matters, taxes, medical jargon, customer service, dishonesty and kindness. Not that I was never touched by these things before, but they took on a whole new meaning when I dealt with them alone.
I grew stronger, a bit wiser, and more empathetic. There has not been a typical “turning the corner” moment; rather a lot of switchbacks up and down hill. I learned about switchbacks when I began hiking in Alabama in preparation for a trip to Montana in 2015. A switchback is any trail that follows a zig-zag pattern up a steep hill or mountainside. There’s a gradual incline up the mountain instead of climbing straight up to the summit. Hiking a switchback is a much safer and less strenuous way to climb up a hill or mountain.
I thank God for the switchbacks. The rests in between the hard parts. I thank Him for His rest in the hard parts.
“Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope.”
“I have decision fatigue” – from Graceland by Ruth Chou Simons
Boy, do I ever! I’ve had it for months on end – since April, 2020. These are decisions we would have either made together or Chuck would have made on his own.
How to move stuff
How to sell stuff
How to give away stuff
Chuck’s car
Chuck’s books
Renting furniture
End of life decisions
Funeral hymns
Where to live times three
Chuck’s grave marker
Buying my first house alone
Having storage built in my home
Finances
A dining room table
A dishwasher
A Plumber
A handyman
Which roofer to use
Which termite company to use
Work
IRAs
CDs
My will
An oil change
Buying a lawnmower
Buying a different lawnmower
Joining my church
Travel
My will (in progress)
Shower repair (upcoming)
Which grass to buy (went with Zoysia)
Pushing myself out of my comfort zone
Yes, I think I’ve pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone that I’m in another zone. I’m zoned out, so to speak.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. – Matthew 6:34
My dad was born May 31, 1932. If he was still alive he’d be 90 years old today.
He died when he was 63 years/seven months. My husband died a week from being 63 years/seven months. I’m about three weeks away from being 63 years/seven months. All that to say that soon I will have lived longer on this earth than Dad and Chuck. It puts time in a different perspective when I look at those facts. I’m just not sure what it all means.
I’ve been thinking of all the things Dad missed, but really it’s all the things we missed without him being there. We didn’t get to hear his jokes and silly phrases. He didn’t get to see me graduate from college at 39. He didn’t see his grandkids graduate from anywhere. He never knew about his five great-grandkids, so they never got one of his goofy nicknames. He missed the weddings, too.
And I think of what Chuck will miss. In two weeks he will have been gone two years. It seems like yesterday and it seems like a lifetime ago. Here again, it’s me who will miss him sharing all the events, the milestones, the joys, the sorrows with me.
I am becoming more aware of the Now and the Not Yet. Now, on earth, is still good. The Not Yet is better. I cling to that.
I look forward to April every year. It’s poetry month. It’s PAD – Poem-A-Day- with Robert Brewer over at Writer’s Digest. It’s reconnecting with a few poets I’ve met there. It’s feeling creative once more. It’s looking forward to reading the prompt of the day and being challenged to produce. It’s being able to express so many cooped-up feelings. It’s mostly happy and sometimes sad and always a month of possibilities.
Day One: “F”
Future and Present
Future and present me
to past and present you:
Do you remember how much I love all things time/space/dimension travel?
Today, Chuck would have turned 65. If I live until next summer I will have been on the earth longer than he was. We lived together for 41 1/2 years. Before and after that I’ve lived 21 1/2 other years. I thank God for every year He has given me, the hard and the easy. I learn more everyday that all these years are but a wisp of time compared to eternity.
I found the following words from Chuck on a usb while trying to purge files on a computer. They were written in 2008 as we were preparing to join Covenant Presbyterian Church in St. Augustine.
I was born (1956) and raised here in Jacksonville, Fl. My parents were hard working, moral, but not spiritual people. Needless to say I was not raised in church, I can actually recall the only four times that I attended church services up until I was 21 years old. I was lost but I did not yet realize it. I believe it was true of me when the scripture says; “I was once alive apart from the law.”
My only real interest in life from age 8 to 20 was playing baseball. Everything I did centered on baseball. Life was planned around it to the extent that I chose my college based on which Jr. College had the best baseball coach and where would I have the best chance of being drafted. Baseball was my first and only love. Everything was subservient to it in my life. Little did I realize how God was working in my life, especially, since I had no interest in Him or need for Him (at least by my perception).
I met Angie in the summer of 1977, at the age of 20, when we were both students at Georgia Southern. We began dating and soon I fell in love with her. At this point God began to move in my life.
I never was a good student in college; I was always making good enough grades to maintain my status on the baseball team. However in 1977-78, it all caught up with me when I was suspended for one quarter (winter) due to my grades. This meant I was no longer eligible for baseball. So, too ashamed to go home, I stayed in Statesboro and worked at a lumber yard full time, saving my money so that I could return to school in the spring as a ‘new man’. I decided I would focus on serious things, making good grades, etc. I was still without God, lost, and head over heels caught up in the world. I did return to school that spring and I pulled three B’s which, was a marked improvement for me, but now it was time to go home for the summer.
In the summer of 1978 two significant things occurred; 1) I decided to propose marriage to Angie and 2) She started back to church. She accepted my proposal and soon I followed her example and started attending services myself. Over the next several months I heard the Bible taught for the first time in my life. I learned about God and His Son and I learned about my sin, “but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died.” It was the first time that I ever realized I was a sinner and lost. In the fall of 1978 I surrendered to the Lord, I repented of my sin and believed Jesus Christ and He saved me. I was baptized within a few weeks of conversion and by the kindness of God in December of ’78; Angie and I were united in marriage.
If I may fast forward to the present to say, it has now been 30 years since the Lord saved me. My walk with Him, like all believers, has been full of hills and valleys, though sometimes the valleys have seemed like long deep ditches. But I can honestly say with the psalmist; “The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delights in his way.
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholds him with his hand. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Not In This Soup Alone 