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Fibbing Friday #299

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted us to have some fun with these, and not worry if you think your answers are old and tired!

1. What’s the difference between a bow and a curtsey?

A bow is that thing that looks like a set of McDonald’s arches that Cupid carries on Valentine’s Day.  A curtsey is holding a door for someone.  They don’t even look the same.  Have you been smokin’ that shit again??  I thought you were banned from the dispensary, after the last incident!  Skunkweed??  What skunkweed?

2. What’s the difference between a bison and a basin?

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When a young, male, American buffalo leaves home to go to Uni, his father just says BISON, and hopes that he doesn’t end up playing Dixieland Jazz in a cheap bar on BASIN Street, in New Orleans.

3. What’s the difference between a pocket and a pouch?

Someone might pick your pocket, but Joey says that if they can pick your pouch, they’re standing entirely too close.

4. How do you poach an egg?

Climb over the fence after dark, and sneak into the henhouse.

5. What is smog?

Isn’t he the dragon with the bad-breath problem, from Lord of the Rings – lives in an east-end London borough named Desolation??!

6. What is triage?

That’s when you convince your girlfriend to bring along her younger sister for some horizontal tango lessons.

7. What is a tripod?

A milking stool’s grandfather

8. How many legs does an octogenarian have?

They are a special breed of Scottish cows, developed to graze on the sides of steep hills.  They have the usual two legs on the uphill side, but three on the downhill side, so they don’t fall off.  There are left-hand, and right-hand, versions.  If two of them meet, going in opposite directions, they can’t get out of each other’s way, and starve to death.

9. What is a buzz cut?

That’s when the juicy gossip in the break room comes to a sudden stop, and the hardly workers try to remember where their work station is, when the boss saunters through.

10. What’s the difference between a baggie and a bagel?

After you smoke what’s in the baggie, you might want to eat a bagel, and/or a pizza, and/or some Doritos….

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Natural Stupidity

A comic strip character recently complained, “Artificial Intelligence isn’t as smart as it thinks it is.”
The blog-site name of one of my regular visitors is INGLANDIO.  My squirrel brain can only look at that for so long, before I just have to know what it means.  Despite a similarity in spelling, I doubted that it had any reference to England.  First I plugged it into Bing, because it’s attached to MSN.CA, my home page.

Here are all the results for inguinal; did you only want results for inglandio?
YES! Click
Here are all the results for inguinal, did you only want results for inglandio?
GAAH!!

People who searched for inglandio also searched for:
ingenio
linguine
duolingo
why is England called Britain  (The other three I understand.  This one bemuses me.)

So I gave it to Google – and got exactly the same page of unhelpful stupidity.  😳  I decided to try Google-Translate.  I thought the word was probably Italian, but I’ve been fooled before, so I clicked on “Detect Language.”  Translating – from English – to English – meaning – inglandio.  There is no English word, “inglandio!”

I clicked Translate Italian to English, and was finally rewarded with, “I am going to swell.” which the same translation program, in reverse, tells me is, ”Mi gonfierò.”  That sure is swell.  Now I’m popping blood-pressure pills from a Pez dispenser.  What a ridiculous, useless, unlikely, definition, there is probably an idiomatic connotation for the word, or name, so, Mister Linguine Inglandio, if you hear someone tapping at your website’s back door, it’s just me, searching for meaning.

***

I implored Mr. Inglandio to elucidate, and he was kind enough to put me out of his misery.  First, you just take twice the square root of the split infinitive of a word that does not exist.  You add in some verbiage to simulate action.  Then you divide by the number of nosy inquisitive readers who question it – ONE – unity – just me.  You get a genuine imitation word that not only convinces readers that you can do it, but that you can do it in English.  The biggest reason that both AI and I had trouble was that I managed to misspell it as Inglandio – rather than Ingliando.  Poor old new Artificial Intelligence – it never stood a chance.  I know the feeling.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – T

Laziness….
Distraction…. Blah Blah
Procrastination…. Blah Blah Blah
Lack of dedication and co-ordination…. Blah Blah Blah Blah
YouTube Videos…. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Final – desperate – commitment to a promised schedule

Why does the U.S. have so many mass shootings – particularly at schools?
If you put too many rats in a cage, they will start fighting and biting.
There are shootings and gang warfare in slums because the overcrowding does not give the young, (predominantly) males any feeling of worth and individuality.

A hundred years ago, politics was a gentleman’s game.  One referred to members of the other party as, ‘My esteemed colleague,’ or ‘My respected opponent.’  It was almost impossible to tell a left-leaning Liberal

TWEEDLDEE

from a right-leaning Conservative

TWEEDLEDUM

Nowadays, with division, fighting, and polarization, they can easily be told apart.  Tweedledees carry Colt pistols, and Tweedledums carry Glocks – Into the Legislative chambers – and refer to anybody who isn’t ‘them,’ as an adversary, or enemy.

C’mon guys!!  For the good of our countries, you gotta go along, to get along.  The Time Machine’s Eloi and Morlocks are starting to look distressingly prescient.  😮

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Fibbing Friday #298

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted us to put our best foot forward.  How would you define these?

1.What is a clog?

It’s the backup under the porcelain throne, when you dump the aftermath of that gigantic Christmas feast.  Get the plunger!

2. What is a flip flop?

For years, in Canada, it has been a tradition that, when the Federal Finance Minister tables a new budget, he purchases a new pair of shoes, to indicate retail sales, and stimulation of the economy.  Suddenly, three years ago, the current Minister showed up with an old pair that he had paid the Parliament Hill shoeshine to polish up.  His excuse was, “If the public has to make do with less, then it’s only fair that I do also.” as he left for a nine-day Trade Conference in The Bahamas.  See ‘Political Expedience.’

3. What is a slipper?

A New Year reveler, after 9 rum and egg nogs

4. What is a sneaker?

That’s the redneck neighbor – but he only thinks he is.  He has a wife, a full-time mistress, and a side-chick girlfriend.  They’re all pregnant, and they all know about each other.  He ought to enroll in the Witness Protection Plan, or the French Foreign Legion.

5. What is a geta?

That’s the entitled bitch from across the street, and her ilk.  I geta what I wanna!  She once took the Great-grandson’s sandbox pail and shovel, and gave it to her rat brat, because he didn’t have one, in what she claimed was an act of Community Communism.  I told her that if she ever did something like that again, she’d geta smack in the ear.

6. What is a babouche?

This is a dish that can use up a portion of an over-abundant crop of unwisely cultivated zucchini.  Fill a casserole with alternating layers of thinly-sliced zucchini, shredded mozzarella, grated black pepper and garlic salt, with occasional dabs of butter.  Cover top with a coating of bread crumbs.  Slip into a 350F oven for 40 minutes.  Remove from oven, spoon out this healthy concoction, and serve it to a sullen and unsympathetic family to a chorus of ‘What?? Again??! and ‘Next year – cherry tomatoes!!’

7. What is a zori?

It is the small but dense planet where Quark, and the rest of Star Trek – Deep Space Nine Ferengi get their gold-pressed latinum.

8. What is a mule?

That’s the term of endearment that the wife uses when I don’t compromise, and do it her way.  I can be an ass, but at least I’m consistent.

9. What is a jandal?

It is a Turkish-made dangly earring, constructed of beads showing the Magic Eye, useful for warding off evil.

10. What is a pantofle?

It is an enjoyable dessert, made with mashed peach chunks and syrup, with a slice of plain gold cake soaked in it, and topped with French Vanilla ice cream.  It is served with heart medication, and a doctor’s warning note.

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Give ‘Em Liberty Or Give ‘Em Hale

For a country founded on freedom, a disturbing number of Americans are now willing – anxious – to give it up, especially if it is someone else’s.  Far too many police officers don’t want to enforce the law.  They want peace and quiet…. and control.

One of America’s best First Amendment Auditors invited his friend, a fellow military veteran, to set his cell phone on ‘record,’ and join him for an audit.  They went to a nearby DEA building, parked in the rear “Public” parking lot, climbed out of the car, unlimbered their lenses, and began walking toward the building.

They hadn’t got 50 feet before a large, strong, young, Junior G-Man spilled out of his Jeep, rapidly strode toward them and, without saying a word – without asking a question – without giving a command, he shot his right hand forward, like a punch, grabbed the friend’s cell phone, driving it into his nose and forehead and causing pain and a slight injury, snatched it from his hands and walked away with it.  That is aggravated assault, common battery, and theft of property

Local police were called.  One officer went to get the cop’s story, another came to speak to the injured auditor.  This was not to be a sympathetic victim interview.  It was an arrogant, antagonistic, blame-the-victim, cover the cops’ asses,’ assault.  That was clear from the first question.
Why did you come here this morning to record this building?
Did you say anything to the officer?
Did you stick your camera in his face?
Were you blocking the sidewalk?

In reverse order, the answers were:
We were not blocking any walkway.  A polite ‘Excuse me.’ would have caused us to move out of the way.
The injury clearly shows that it was my face that the camera was in.
His rapid, immediate attack gave no time to say anything.

The answers to the first question were;
Because I can
Because I want to
Because it’s perfectly legal to do so
Because it’s a hobby
Because it’s a source of taxable income
Because it’s educational
It’s none of your damned business and, like the other three answers, is not justification for assault and theft.
Because it’s a constitutionally protected activity – and –
Because, in 2018, the Department of Homeland Security issued a memo which all public officials are supposed to read and heed.  It plainly states that, with the exception of clearly-marked security areas, the public is free to record all government property, real estate and equipment, as well as all government officials in the course of their duties.  Simply recording cannot be made into a crime.

The bias in the first question shows in its improper construction.  They did not go there that morning TO RECORD THE DEA BUILDING.  They went there to observe and record and disseminate the actions and reactions of supposedly knowledgeable and trained police personnel, to an uncommon, but unthreatening and legal occurrence.  The results were distressing!

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Wheelie Dumb Old Car Jokes

The teenager in his battered old jalopy was pulled over by a traffic cop.  “You were doing sixty-five,” the officer told him.  “Promise me you’ll keep an eye on your speed and I’ll let you off with a warning.”

The kid said, “Oh, please give me a ticket, otherwise none of my friends will ever believe this heap could go that fast.

***

The Dumpster Cinderella called the police in a panic.  “Someone got into my garage and stripped my car!  It looks all right outside, but when I get in, I see they’ve stolen the steering wheel, the dashboard, and even the glove compartment!”

“Keep calm, Ma’am,” said the voice at the other end.  “Here’s what we want you to do.  Take a deep breath, and then go to the garage and take a good look at the doors, especially the locks.  Then call us again…. when you realize you were in the back seat.

***

The used car dealer was showing a customer a dented heap that still had most of its headlights and one and a half bumpers.  “Here’s a beauty,” he gushed.  “Only driven on Sundays by a little old lady.”

“Yeah?” said his visitor.  “As a getaway car?”

***

The customer walked around the old heap and asked the used car dealer.  “Does it have air conditioning?”

“No,” the salesman admitted, “But you get good cross ventilation…. through the holes in the floorboard.

***

The woman looked out the window on a drive through the countryside and complained to her husband at the wheel, “You don’t cuddle the way we used to when we were dating.”

He glanced over.  “Well…. I haven’t moved.

***

The pedestrian leaped back too late and went flying as the car sped through the red light.  “What are you?” he shouted, clutching his arm, “Blind?”

“Blind?” said the driver, speeding on…”I hit you, didn’t I?”

***

Bitsy was telling Betsy about her driving test.  “I liked this instructor much better than the last one.  He wasn’t always shouting when I forgot my signals or pulled out into traffic without looking.”

“Did he pass you?” asked Betsy.

“No,” said Bitsy, “He passed out”

***

The cop came up to the window of the car he’d just pulled over for some very erratic traffic maneuvers.  “Let’s see your license,” he ordered.

“Are you kidding?” the driver laughed.  “Who’d give ME a license?”

***

It had been a spectacular smash-up, but both drivers came out of it unharmed.  The driver of the red car said, “Here, you look really shook up.  Better have a bracer.”  He pulled a flask from his back pocket and passed it to the driver of the blue car.

“Thanks,” said the second man, and took a healthy swig.  “You need one too, I expect.”

“Not yet,” said the first driver.  “I’ll wait ‘til after these troopers smell your breath and fill out the accident report”

***

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Fibbing Friday #297

It was Boxing Day, and the questions from Pensitivity101 last week were a mixed bag of whimsy and anything else!

1. Why is there a fairy on top of the Christmas Tree?

Because a bunch of drunken anti-LGBTQ bullies chased him up there

2. Why is the 26th December known as Boxing Day in some countries?

To honor the birthday of Mohammed Ali.   He wasn’t really born on that day, just like Jesus wasn’t born on Dec. 25th.  He switched it to the Muslim calendar when he changed religion.  Jesus switched His when he went from being a Jew, to Christianity.

3. What would be the gifts from the Three Wise Men today?

Some Bitcoin, a 23 And Me kit to establish who the true father is, and some free therapy sessions.  They’re gonna do WHAT to me??!

4. What is Hogmanay?

That’s what the Irish call bacon.

5. How much is a monkey?

All except the tail

6. Do crows crow?

Yes!!  Especially the ones who got a part in the movie remake of The Raven.

7. Why do milking stools have three legs?

To get to the other side

8. What is meant by perfect pitch?

That’s when the Nigerian Prince convinces someone to supply their banking information.

9. Where will you find a palm tree?

Unlike stigmata, these are marks on the insides of your hands, which show your Grandma that you’ve been indulging in too much self-gratification.

10. What is rolling stock?

Incidental supplies, available at your local cannabis dispensary

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Calm Discussion

Say what you will about Charlie Kirk – and many have – but he championed discussion and debate, not dismissal and censorship.  He had much to say – but he always listened.

SPEAKER DROPPED FROM LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH EVENT

An American speaker was invited to a local symposium, titled, SEE ME, HEAR ME – THE UNHEARD VOICES.  Enough people complained about his social and political opinions, that the invitation was withdrawn.  The irony lies heavy upon the ground.

Beware the zealot!  The true believers are the worst.  The average person’s psyche is a spider web.  Pull on the right thread and you will get the desired result.  Praise them, and they will like you.  Ridicule them, and they will hate you. The greedy can be bought, timid can be frightened, smart can be persuaded, but the zealots are immune to money, fear, or reason.  A zealot’s psyche is a tightrope.  They have severed everything else in favor of their goal.  They will pay any price for their victory, and that makes them infinitely more dangerous.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – S

It’s tough, sittin’ around doin’ nuthin.  You’re never sure when you’re finished.

While you’re sitting around on your assets, not doing much, here are a couple of words about not doing much, for you to study.  Scrim is a piece of loose-weave cloth, used in theaters to either create the illusion of solidity, or of haziness, depending on the lighting.  Therefore….

SCRIMSHANK

1885/90 British slang, origin uncertain
to avoid one’s obligations or share of work, especially in the military; shirk.
American: to goldbrick

And its cousin….

SCRIMSHAW

a carved or engraved article, especially of whale ivory, whalebone, walrus tusks, or the like, made by whalers as a leisure occupation.
The act of doing so

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This is MY definition of ‘Griffonage.’

Thanx for stopping by and reading this post, which my friend Eric Idle helped me compose.

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Fibbing Friday #296

Pensitivity101’s questions last week were originally posted by Frank aka PCGuyIV in 2019 when he and she alternated as hosts.
His post is no longer available, but the questions are great so she recycled them. Thanks Frank.

1. Why was January chosen to be the first month of the year?

January was chosen because after the blinding hangover fades, it has to go uphill from here.

2. Why does the Chinese New Year not start until February?

The Shen Yun tour schedule isn’t complete until then.

3. What’s the point of eating black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day?

A lot of people imbibe a little ‘hair of the dog’ to take the edge off.  Eating something that looks like the dog threw up, reminds you why it’s necessary.

4. Why do we make New Year’s resolutions?

Because we are so gullible that we can fool ourselves into believing that we’ll actually change our bad habits.  Believing this is one of our bad habits.  Change is inevitable – just not from the break room vending machine.

5. What will Santa Claus be doing now that Christmas is over?

3 to 5!  😮  How do you think he got that ‘naughty’ list??  “He sees you when you’re sleeping.”

6. According to tradition, in the Twelve Days of Christmas, the 1st day is Christmas, itself. So what is the 12th day known as?

Rehab relapse

7. Why are so many of the gifts listed in the song, The 12 Days of Christmas, birds?

Because the redneck relatives keep arriving late, as they get bailed out of jail, and not one of them thinks to bring so much as some Cole slaw, or a butter bean casserole.

8. What earthly event marks when an angel gets its wings?

Distracted driving with a cell phone

9. What happens on the Winter Solstice?

The Election Monitor General sees his shadow, and we get four more years of Trump.

10. How did the tradition of the Yule log originate?

From a Charmin Ultra-Strong tissue TV advert