I am at your Bec and call

My interest in yoga has been piqued for about 20 years. Practicing around my town was not common. Through the years I looked at books, magazines from the library, and eventually internet. Now yoga is a thing in my town. I’ve gone to classes hear and there, but nothing steady. J began practicing when she went to college. This past summer my neighbor and I decided to go to the YMCA and take different classes. Being teachers we had the summer to explore but some the school year it meant getting up at 5am. Knowing we could only do this a couple of times a week we were happy to find PiYo class and Power Yoga two mornings a week. We then decided to add a straight up yoga class that meets Saturday mornings at 8:30. We like to sleep in until 6 on weekends.

A few months ago I read an article about a vet of the armed forces whose legs were amputated due to injuries sustained in war. He talked about halfheartedly trying yoga, but when he went into Warrior 2 pose he got it. He connected with many things he had lost. Sometimes when I stand in Warrior I think of him.

I decided I wanted to work into crow. I was worried about falling forward and bruising my forehead or getting rug burn. J gave me some tips and I was able to go up with her talking me through it, but I still wanted to do it in class. Today the opportunity presented itself and I took it.

I place my hands, straightened my arms, set my legs, and channeled J’s voice. My arms pushed out into my legs as my legs push against my arms. Then my head tipped forward and one foot lifted leaving the tip of one toe holding me. A spot on the carpet held me. People were already commenting about the 2 men in the class flying. My mind began to wander. What if I fell? The thoughts were brushed away and my body set again, my toe released the ground. My head dipped more and my body found its sweet spot. I flew. A husband whispered to his wife, “Diane, look.” Quite murmurs commented. I did not get the attention of the men, but I quite liked my soft accomplishment.

Something else happened. My heart has been carrying worry. For that moment I understood so much about myself. The power is within me. IT is there. It is me. I have the strength, focus, balance, and support. I just need to set myself up right and lift that toe.

In second grade , maybe any grade, you can tell where your kids are emotionally by their reception of humor and empathy. The humor part is always entertaining because if you say something in a dry manner the ones who get it get a sly smile and they know you have connected with them. Empathy is the same but it is not always a joyful event.

The kids and I got to talking about the movie Inside Out. I found this movie so sad! The main character was little girl who was depressed about moving. As a mom this would hurt so much to see. I remember watching my own daughter struggle to  fit into a new school at the age of 9. One of the kids mentioned that it was sad Riley lost her memories. I casually said, “Oh honey don’t worry that cannot happen!” Trying to alleviate the fear I flippantly said, “Well unless you got conked on the head really hard or… you are ill like my mom.” Now usually I don’t have a problem talking about my mom. She has dementia. But I tried to continue talking and I started to tear up. I told the kids I had to stop talking about the movie because I wasn’t expecting to be so sad. One of my students, Ana, looked at me and I knew shew knew. It was all over her face like a mirror of mine. I got the kids going on their work and Ana came over to me and started sobbing. She felt bad for me and for my mom. For a minute she was me. We held each other and I told her it was ok because Momma is very happy and she remembers me. Ana cried more. Somehow I held it together for her because at that moment she was me and I knew exactly what she needed to hear.

By the end of July I realized I had sunk. My weight was up 13 pound from the end of school. My motivation was zilch. It was easy for me to blame it on the kids, the house, the change of schedule, the happy stuff. But there I found myself more than a little blue. I told a friend if I’m not feeling better in a couple of weeks then I will go to the doctor or get a referral to a psychologist.

Have I shared that I have one fantastic husband? Yesterday I found myself in a big mess I made of letting my school work go. The project is overwhelming, but I should have tried harder earlier and not let it get me so down that I did NOTHING. How old am I? After sharing my situation with Alan, he helped me. Now I see light. Maybe some of this lack of doing anything was depression. Maybe it is the other way around and if I had done it I would not have been so blue. Regardless, today I woke up knowing what needs to be done. It is a BIG task. HUGE. However, when I decided to take both of these classes I decided to treat it like my job. That begins today. I’m a little late for work right now, but I will get there.

My balance is off. Along with my classes/jobs, I need to tend to myself. This means back to running and paying attention to my eating.

One month from today it will be just me and Alan in the house. I need to find the balance so I can deal with the impending imbalance that is sure to arrive with the departure of my children. Today I will just focus on balance of today.

Alan and I skipped out of the parent orientation early. It was a two day even but we realized at lunch time that it was set up that way because some people have traveled from all over to be there. We think of it as our back yard. Well maybe the back 40. A pin was given to the person who traveled the farthest to get to AA. Miss Los Angeles was feeling good until smug Anchorage stood up only to be beaten by Switzerland.

I fell asleep during the financial aid talk, but not before hearing a stunning statistic. The man talking said Mitten gives very few scholarships. He went on to say they are merit based and only 3% of students receive anything. Somehow I did not cry AGAIN! Holy guacamole.

One session talked about students balancing their lives. They mentioned students might miss their pets. Yes. Yes, I think this is going to be an issue. We now have 3 dogs. Atticus- the old man, Lela – Our rescued Golden, and Thor – our new little guy with a rough and tough, bouncy personality. Cole will miss Lela most. Guessing Lela and I will be making some trips to AA to visit the boy.

Being home today with just Al is giving me a taste of how things will be. Turns out I’m cranky. I MAY be a little bit blue. This is good to know because come September it is going to be everyday. Oh school and my class will distract me but I’m not counting on it taking care of everything. A new world is about to open for all of us.

I made somebody cry today.

This somebody has made me cry a lot. She even made me cry in front of another administrator in what I believe was a way to show her power. She made my friend cry and I cried out of empathy. She was my boss until recently.  My action was not directed towards her. It was just a bit of house keeping on a social site. Her feelings were hurt and it did not matter that she is one of half a dozen people affected. I remember wishing she would know what it feels like to be blindsided. Never did I expect to do it to her.

I made somebody cry and then I cried too.

Three years ago a friend from book club mentioned her parents’ cottage on a lake Up North. She told us how her whole family would go up their. That is about 16 people. An idea popped into my head. Alice had just divorced her husband. She was looking for a new life. That July we went Up North and found it was not exactly a cottage. No, it was a house, a big house designed as an extended family retreat. The room I stayed in has a king sized bed, bunk beds and its own bathroom. Alice, Lily, Betty, and I made the trip for the third time this year.

Our weekend consists of floating in the lake, doing puzzles, knitting, drinking beer, drinking wine, taking about our families, going out to dinner at the local pub, and just relaxing. Alice is in sales and could not join us until Friday. The rest of us teach and were able to go up Thursday. Within 10 minutes of getting there we had changed into swimsuits, grabbed rafts and beers, and headed into the water to float. The chilly water did not deter us.

Friday afternoon I spent completing my classwork. When I decided to take two classes I did so with the intention of making it a priority, my job this summer. Week two found me in bad shape. Old habits crept up. Being Up North got me back on track. Assignments were completed on time and turned in. What a gift.

Rejuvenated, I begin my week. Today I will start my class work. I also will get back to clearing out things from my basement. And finally I will get back to my weight loss. Such high hopes after a simple long weekend but that is exactly what a weekend with friends can do.

I may as well write about my weight  loss journey  too.

Here I stand on the edge of Monday hopeful this week will be different than the last six. At one point this summer I had mantra, Do Not Undo What You Worked So Hard To Achieve. Clunky, but you get the idea. This week my challenges are plenty.

• Still feeling out of sorts from lack of structure. I find if difficult to create my own agendas.
• My family room/kitchen are still in renovation.
• My refrigerator is in the basement. That is not really a bad thing.
• Tonight my co-workers are getting together to hand out and watch a movie. Food and alcohol will be there too. Booze does not scare me, that is an easy pass. Food is different, but I think I can be ok.
• Later this week I will have a trip to contend with.

It is not all bad. I have been working out. WW has a feature where you can talk to somebody one line 24/7. But what do I say? More importantly, what will they tell me that I don’t already know? How do I get back to that sweet spot where my want of reaching my goal is stronger than my want of food that offers me nothing? Well it is time to find out. 

Maybe I never closed this account because I knew someday I would need it again.

There are so many good things going on in my life. Really good things. Since it has been so long I’ll do another bullet point rundown.

• Cole graduated top in his class. He will be going to University of Mitten to study engineering. Spring was filled with many honors and events to celebrate his accomplishments. He received many scholarships, but come the beginning of May he still had only received a few thousand dollars. But then the big one came in. It is not full but pretty darned close. His first year is completely covered. Through all of it he has remained humble and grateful.
• J has had a lot of ups and downs. She struggled to find her place after college. Finally in January she decided to apply to grad school. Then her friend Kris killed herself. My baby struggled more. When she was accepted into, get this U of Mitten, she had to really think about it. But now that she has decided to go, she is all in and making things happen so she can be ready in September.
• Alan remains ever steady, loving, and supportive. After 13 years of living in this house and the back up set of a kitchen for That 70’s Show, we are remodeling. He got together friends and family to work with him to get the job done. This is not his thing but he is working so hard. Right now he is putting in the flooring. It looks great.
• My school year ended well enough, but with some questions regarding the direction of the district. I will be in second grade again with my partner and I am happy about this. This year I can put my own mark on things. I’m a little behind on my master’s but I’m not obsessing about it anymore. Almost a year ago I joined We!gh+ W@+chers and lost a bunch of weight. From my highest weight ever ( I had lost some on my own) I lost about 45 pounds. However, summer has been difficult and I have put about 9 pounds back on. That just will not do. I need to get refocused and motivated. Summer is just difficult for me.
• We got another dog. He is a tiny dog named Thor. He is pretty cute and loves Alan.
• What has brought me back. My mom’s dementia is worsening. She has had a difficult time remembering Cole’s name. The usually refers to him as my youngest. Today was the worse for me. My brother has told me about incidences that he has had with her. He lives with them and takes care of both our parents. Mom called me and was trying to tell me something. What I can gather is that she thought she went to see me at work but I did not come home last night. Only she could not separate me from my daughter. I had always planned on just going with whatever she said, but I found myself being my daughter and me.

Alan asked me if I was ok. I lied and said yes.I continued working in kitchen going back       and forth. Do I tell Al I’m not ok and break down? Do I call my friend and tell her I need      to walk right now? Do I let myself sink knowing there is so much further to drop from          here? I have decided to pull my chin up. This was not a surprise; we all knew this day           would come.

All of these changes will affect me (or effect me. Damn I should know this!) However, I get to choose how I will handle things. When I need help, please let me know because I may not see it. Life is so good. Sometimes I may have to be reminded though. Can you do that for me too?

I get to teach another year of second grade. How did I get so lucky again to get such a great group of littles. They are little. It is easy to forget that because I know they are very capable of accomplishing wonderful things. The cap is 26 kids but both of the second grade classes have been running 28. Whenever one leaves, another arrives. These kids can drive me nuts, but man do I love them!

This year I have had two heart breaking moments. One little bug was a wiggly little guy who would just get up during carpet time. I said, “Sam, are you supposed to be up? No. Come here. Right here.” He bravely walked to me and said, “Are you going to punch me?” All my frustration with him melted away. “Buddy, I would NEVER punch anybody! I promise,” was my response as I held him tight. But we know I was lying. It did want to punch and kick and bite and hurt whoever did that to him. As I held him a sweet little girl, Donna said, “He probably thought you were going to punch him because some adult has punched him before.” Crap. Even my littles know. Are you wondering how I don’t cry? Me too.

Sam is not the only one. Trey and another boy were sitting with me at a table in the library. They had a problem keeping their hands to themselves and I was keeping them close to me. Our librarian has paint stirring sticks for the kids to mark where they are pulling books from the shelves. Librarian come to us with her sticks in hand and says, “Mrs. Spider, do either of these boys deserve to…” Even though Trey was not looking at me I could see his shoulders heaving. I immediately pulled him to me and held him as he cried. “It is ok. Nobody here will ever, every hit you,” I whispered to him. Librarian look struck herself. She also reassured him that we don’t hit. Of course I was thinking violent thoughts toward the people who hurt him. Damn them all.

Sam has already moved to a new school. My heart was broken. I wanted to be that adult he could trust. Hopefully, somebody else will see what he needs.

Friends, it does not get better. I have another little guy who was diagnosed with stage IV cancer last year. He can’t come to school very often, but I will be making home visits.

Every year I wonder how much my heart can take and give. Every year it all works out.

Over a year has past since I have blogged. So many things have happened. Why don’t I write anymore? Is it really about time? Some of the thing that have happened I just don’t want to write about. Other times I make up posts in my head but then never get further than that. Right now I am actually avoiding writing a paper. I am lacking confidence in my ability to write. This is what happens when one does not practice. Let me give a bullet point summary of some things that have been going on. 

• The school year ended at my last placement with my future up in the air. A new principal had not been found to replace ours who had been let go. 
• Al and I took The Boy to Boston look at colleges. While we were there I got a call telling me I had been displaced. This meant I still had a job, but I did not know where in the district or what capacity.
• In late July I found out I would be teaching second grade at one of the best regarded schools in the district. This would be my first classroom.
• I began grad school. Teacher’s get Master’s degrees for many reasons. Mostly because we have to do a lot of continuing education anyway so why not get another degree. I am getting mine in something that can be used outside of education as I am not sure I will have a job in a few years. 
• In September I met the students. After a couple comings and goings I ended up with 26 students – 8 girls, 18 boys. One of the girls ended up being a table thrower who latched on to me the second day bruising my arm. She ended up transferring to another school.
• We adopted a 2 year-old Golden Retriever and named her Lela (leh-lah) after my mom’s nickname. Mom’s dementia continues to increase but we knew that would happen. 
• I cried a lot the first months of school. I was so lost. Fortunately, the other second grade teacher was gracious and helped me at every turn.
• J graduated from Western Mitten in December. She pushed on through to get it done in 3.5 years. She says it was easier for her because her degree did not require as many credits as some. Sadly, the week she graduated the company she worked for through college and had begun as an intern her senior year of high school, closed. This left her jobless and a little lost about what to do next.
• Somehow I stopped crying so much.
• The winter was harsh this year. We had a lot of snow and it was so damn cold.
• The Boy and his friend made it to the semi-finals of an international innovations competition. He also got a 35 on his ACT. Things are falling into place for him to apply to his dream college. 
• Al fell off the roof of our one story house. He was shoveling snow off the roof. The Boy and I handled the situation smoothly. Fortunately, the result was only a slight concussion and a split head. Staples and rest took care of things. I would have nightmares and day-mares for weeks. 
• Because of all of the snow days my school district had to extended the school year by a day and a half. I now get out June 10. 
• My grandmother (paternal) died May 30. She was 92. I saw her in the hospital the day before her scheduled surgery in April. She told me, “92 is good.” The funeral was horrible because Daddy and his siblings do not get along. My mean aunt verbally attacked me every chance she got. I just tried to stay out of her way to no avail. My big brother Jim made the trip up from Texas. He stayed with us and has plans to come up again soon to help our younger brother with somethings. We need to get Mom and Dad into a better living situation. 

Oh I missed many things, but you get the idea. I have only a couple of days of complete crazy and things should settle down a bit. My class will be over soon, but then I have two for the second summer session. The Boy and I are planning two more college visits. These are closer to home. Senior year. Like I did with J, I refuse to think of all the lasts. Speaking of J, she has been doing some temporary work here and there and may have a better idea of where she would like to go next. Hint: her degree is in Latin so she probably will be headed back to school. 

Me? Well I should be back in second grade at the same school. By the end of summer I should be half way done with my degree. The goal is to be done before The Boy leaves for college. It is going to be close. This summer I plan on getting back to running. My back was a mess for awhile. Actually it was my tailbone. I am just happy to be able to feel all of my toes all the time again! 

As I think about this last year I cannot help but wish I had done a better job for my students. Yes, I am being hard on myself, but only because my own kids had wonderful teachers who cared about them. My students deserve the same. So next school year I will try harder to be more organized and to get a better grasp of the curriculum and how to use data collection. Who knows maybe I will find it in me to blog again. But for today, I need to get this paper done and get some school stuff done. 48  more hours of crazy. I can do this.

Life is good!