Well, Woof. That was a rough period. The three jobs have calmed down into two jobs I can manage. Happily. Fully.

I feel like myself again. I feel calm. I feel like I can move forward with my own personal work. I feel like I can actually take a moment.

The world throws curves balls.

With three weeks notice I let everyone know I was taking a week off. And I went away. Still responded to important emails, but mostly slept and remembered who I was. And am.

I feel like I’m back.

I feel better.

I remember who I am.

I got up. Got dressed. It was absurdly early for a Saturday, but I did exactly what I needed to do. There was a lot of talking to myself out loud in the shower to ‘not turn around’ over and over cause I’m on a heart monitor that can’t get wet for the next two weeks.

Idk what’s going on with that muscle (heart) in my chest, but it’s acting weird. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Idk. Better safe than sorry. I think it’ll turn out to be nothing honestly. But I’d also rather know it’s nothing.

One moment at a time.

😌 Here we are.

Audrey, you’re wearing a heart monitor now. It can’t get wet. You need to get up and figure out what to do with your hair and your body. You can’t lay here and cry. You have a billion things to do.

Get. The. Fuck. Up.

Waking up to realize that some version of crazy Audrey did all the dishes, sorted and started the laundry, cleaned the bathroom and sorted all the mail last night at about 3am. Also, put away all the clean clothes. Wasn’t me. And DEFINITELY don’t feel rested right now. Thankful cause this place was gross but pissed cause I’m tired as fuck and need to head to work in an hour.

I went off the deep end. Called everyone between midnight and 2am. Cried. Sobbed. Not cute.

3 jobs is too much.

I’m too much.

🤦🏽‍♀️ fuck.

There’s so much more. Parts of it include my rapist. I wonna fill in all the details but I can’t.

*TW, Death*

Just woke up from the most VIVID dream of digging up my biological mother’s grave. And her hair was still red. And her fingers were curled. I reality she’s been dead for over a decade. Idk what’s going on.

Ended up back in the ER last night. A tight chest and heart palpitations which freaked me out. Was there and monitored for a bit. Mostly they said it was anxiety. Headed to the psychiatrist in a few to perhaps go back on meds.

And then this morning things got hard again. Woof. This is difficult. Probably not the end of the world, but fuck. It’s hard.

Change is hard. Being new is hard. Not knowing the rules is hard. Being shit at paperwork is hard.

The whole dang living thing… It’s fuckin’ hard.

😫

(This too shall pass.)

Idk what’s happening but the universe sent a wave of good things in my direction and I’m… struggling to trust it all. Like, too good to be true sort of reaction. But honestly things are lining up and working out even when I didn’t think they would. They are. And it’s most likely all going to be okay. Even better than okay actually.

I’m quitting my current full time position this week, which is wild and scary and exciting.

Back on a good path. Feeling tender and tired, but also okay. Working hard.

I wanted to cry a few different times today. About small things. Like the rain. Or the scar on the woman’s neck. Or the family crossing the street. Or how early the sunsets now. It was a 13 hour work day and I was exhausted and wanted to reach for Jessica. Not because anything overt was wrong, but because I was afraid of growing old, of being this tired, of having thrown my health and youth away. Everything felt like it was coming to an end, but it’s wasn’t.

I’m afraid, but I’ll keep going. And it’ll be okay.