Joke’s on Me

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In my previous post, I mentioned how both my husband and I had managed to get through 2020 without getting Covid. Well, welcome to a new year and and we both started it off with Covid. It affected us both completely different, with different symptoms.

So, here’s how it all went down. A few days before the end of the year, I started to get a headache. It started to feel like a migraine, but not. It felt like sinus pressure, but not. Then the ear pressure! The ear pain was the worst I’d felt in a long time time. I actually thought I was just getting an ear infection. By January 1st, the fever arrived, 102 to be exact. I knew it wasn’t an ear infection. The body aches had come along for the ride, the chills, the hot flashes but on the bright side, the headache and ear pain had subsided. My husband and I immediately started to quarantine from one another. He took the living room and I, the bedroom. It really didn’t matter. We weren’t able to get in for a Covid test until the following Wednesday. We both tested positive. Turns out, sleeping separate and staying separate from each other in the house didn’t matter. His symptoms were so mild. He had nothing more than what appeared to be a common cold. He felt good other than just a little run down.

My symptoms were all over the place. From the headache, ear pain, fever that went up and down for over a week, the hot/cold flashes, I was one of the lucky ones. I never lost my sense of taste or smell nor did I lose my appetite. I did have the cough that wouldn’t produce anything and left me breathless. Fortunately, all my symptoms were mild. I rested, drank lots of fluids, upped my vitamin C and stayed home. Even though my symptoms were mild, Covid is a weird illness.

I am only now starting to feel “normal” again. I still have moments where I’m just tired. Although, I do have a compromised immune system (fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s disease and a some others) and I know this plays a part in the recovery.

I’ve had friends who’ve also had Covid and friends who’ve lost loved ones due to Covid. I remember I was one of the skeptical ones when this illness was first announced. As it progressed, my husband and I started to see firsthand how it was affecting those around us.

I’m a firm believer in wearing a mask and wear mine anytime I go into a store; except the one time I didn’t, right before Christmas. That’s all it took. Please wear your mask. It really does make a difference.

The End of 2020

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As this year draws to a close, I’m sitting here thinking how much has changed.

Countries were hit hard with Covid-19. Families watched as loved ones died. The death toll has climbed to a staggering 1.8 million since the outbreak began with the United States having the highest number. In the beginning of this crisis, humanity was united. We stayed home, worked from home, home schooled, did whatever it took in hopes this virus would go away. It wasn’t enough. Why? I have my theories. We still allowed some businesses to remain open which in turn, still allowed people to venture out. “Essential workers” became the new words for 2020. How do you determine the value of someone’s life and call them an essential worker and yet treat them the same? It’s crazy. It has just given opportunity for the virus to continue to spread.

Then we have our presidential elections. I don’t even want to get into this one 🤦‍♀️. I cannot believe the hatred I saw amongst “friends” social media pages. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. No one has to agree nor accept it. I remember a time where politics could be debated without hate amongst one another. It now appears it rips friendships apart. Good job. Precisely why I don’t talk politics with friends. I value my friendships more than asshat politicians that get paid way too much, promise to do better and don’t. Period.

Our family has been through some stuff this year as well. Although we’ve escaped the grips of Covid, my oldest is once again battling with his addiction. He now has mental illness along with it from all the years of substance abuse. He’s currently in jail so he’s clean again. However, he’s facing some options down the road and well, we don’t know yet just where he’ll land.

I know the biggest thing we learned about ourselves is that we’ve always given too much of us to others. We’ve opened our home to more people than I can count who’ve needed a place to stay. That hurt us in the end. That will no longer happen. We are finally going to put ourselves first. This will be the hardest thing for us to learn to do. This is not in our nature.

We’ve also said goodbye to two of our beloved fur babies this year and rescued two seniors. We are currently looking for a puppy to fill our hearts. Sometimes I’d rather be surrounded by dogs than adults. They’re more comforting. My two girls are currently snuggled next to me as a write this on this cold day. It really doesn’t get any better.

Although life threw a lot of curveballs at us this year, my husband and I made it through all of them. We are always stronger together. I never say one year will be better than the next because honestly, we really don’t know. We can only approach it with a positive mindset, be happy and grateful and love one another.

What is your “why?”

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Lately, in my up-line, there has been a lot of discussion as to what our “why” is.  If you’re unfamiliar with this term, think of it as why are you doing what you’re doing say, in your current employment situation? In life?  What is your goal?  Do you have one?  Is it one that makes you feel good?  Or, is it just to make ends meet?  Does your “why” motivate you?

I had “why’s,” once.  In fact, I’ve had many throughout my life.  They’ve changed as I’ve grown and changed.  When my sons were small, my why was about them.  Protecting them, teaching them, helping them grow into fabulous men.  You know, every parent’s dream.  I feel that I failed them in some of those areas.  I stayed in a destructive marriage for far too long.  Not only did I lose myself and my why, my children lost being children and knowing what growing up in a secure, loving home was.  All three now suffer from anxiety and have suffered and conquered many other demons.

Once I finally walked away from that, I spent three years on myself to figure out my “why” and who I was. It was the best three years I could have given myself.  It truly helped me grow and love myself again.  It taught me that no matter who tears you down, you can pick yourself back up and you are worthy to be loved, as long as you love yourself first.

My most recent “why” involved three tiny humans, grandchildren.  When their parents weren’t able to care for them, my husband I stepped in.  For three years, they were my why.  They gave me the best reasons just to smile.  It was a do-over of sorts, if you will.  Where I felt I failed my children, I felt I did it better this time.  My hope was that it would carry over when my son and his wife were ready to be a family again.  Unfortunately, children’s habits stay with what they know when they go home.  It’s such a vicious cycle.  We raise our own children to the best of our ability but so many times, we may do it wrong only to be able to do it right later.  *Sigh*

Now, I’m just stuck.  I’m getting older.  Life is going by faster and faster.  I have no “why.” And that, well, that, is a problem.

Recommendations

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My thoughts tend to wander while most are sleeping sound. When I would get insomnia before, I would binge watch TV. I’ve really tried not to do this. Instead, I find myself staring into darkness. Somehow, I don’t think this is any better.

I think it’s time to start reading again. Recommendations?

Been Away Too Long

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I’m not really sure what possessed me, at 2:30 in the morning, to head over here only to realize I haven’t been on here in ages.  I know that I have had many things to say and I can’t say that I never have time; I do.  In fact, I have lots of time. Somehow though, time always slips away.

Isn’t that really the problem for most of us?  Time?  There never seems to be enough of it and when there is, we don’t seem to do enough with it or try to cram as much as possible into a day to the point of exhaustion.  It’s a no-win situation.  My advice?  Relax.  Do what you want or do nothing.  Just stop trying to conform to what society thinks you should be doing with your time.

 

Emotional

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My emotions have been in overdrive of late. No, that’s not true. It started around the Christmas holiday.  They felt off.  Not just for me, but for all of us.  None of us could figure out why either.  I was missing my mom, Shane, Jess, Nic & Conner. In reality?  It just felt like any other day.

Then January hit and the famous people started dying; Davie Bowie (69), Alan Rickman (69),  Dan Haggerty (74), Abe Vigoda (94) and several more.  People around me started losing loved ones or knew people who were losing loved ones.

January also starts the cycle of birthdays for our family, four of them to start the year.  My oldest grandson turned 10 in this month.

February oh February. Where do I even begin with you?  This month, in fact, tomorrow, the 6th, you are making it very hard for me to face.  My baby turns 25.  MY BABY! Time is spinning by too fast.

Lastly, the dreaded March.  My birthday month.  I don’t want to be older.  I repeat, I DO NOT WANT TO GROW OLDER! I know it’s a fact of life but it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.  This whole mortality issue seems to be slapping me in the face, and I’m scared. Abnormally scared which in itself, is scary, right?

Cry?  I’ve been doing plenty of that as well.  All the time.  At the drop of a hat.  For no reason.  I could sit and cry for hours and maybe be done for a day or so.  Yeah, my emotions are everywhere. I have no idea if this is part of my fibromyalgia, my hormones or if my medications aren’t working.  I do know if this continues much longer, a visit to the doctor is a must.

I’m depressed too.  Not my usual depression either.  This one just has me not caring about anything.  I’m just going through the motions right now.  There are just too many people living with us anymore and I think I’m just done, or maybe I’m just burnt out.  It’s tiring running a household of adults and teenagers that need constant babysitting (not all of them).

I need a vacation.

The Fall of A Friend

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I’m mad at you.  No, I’m ANGRY at you! I mean literally to the point where, at this moment, I can’t tolerate being around you and that’s the hard part.  You’re my best friend and you’re killing yourself.  With pills and denial.  I’ve been down this road before with my own family and you know this.  How dare you put me through this again.  I have every right to be mad at you. You have lied to me and you have stolen from me.

I hate you and I love you.  You have pushed me to my breaking point.

During the past two weeks, something changed.  You were prescribed morphine along with the Oxycontin you were already taking.  I know your pain doctor had the best of intentions but had he known about your previous weakness with morphine, I know he never would have done this.  Of course, that was your responsibility; one you chose to keep quiet about.  Every addict always says it will be different the next time.  It never is.

I have watched as your body has fought the withdrawal from the pills you have shoved into it. I am not qualified to take you through this.  After spending an entire day babysitting you, today was the breaking point.  I had to help you out of bed to get you to the kitchen table. I watched as you struggled to eat only half a piece of toast.  You’ve lost your vibrancy, your smile, the woman that others love to be around.  My friend that I once knew is gone, maybe only temporarily, but gone.  I doubt that I will ever be able to trust you the way I once did.  This will obviously change our friendship.

Your husband is a good man and a supportive husband.  When your health issues started a few years ago, he stood by you. This?  Only you can fix this. Tonight we told him so.  As hard as it was for him to hear about drug addiction, the cycle and that it will continue if you don’t get help, the first step had to start with him helping you since you are in no place to start yourself. Once you are clear-headed, the rest is up to you.  We can only hope that you make the right choice without worrying what others think of you.  All that matters is what you think of yourself and having your family beside you

You have one child still under your care but she can choose to leave you.  Your husband can choose to leave you. I can walk away.  Where will this leave you?  Alone.  Empty.  Wouldn’t you rather feel alive?  Loved?  Pills can’t give you that.  We can be your support system but only if you accept that you have a problem and want the help.

What will you choose?

Soon after I started writing this, her husband took her to the hospital.  He told them of her pill abuse and what has been going on.  She was admitted into ICU.  Kidneys were already shutting down.

Day 2:

She has been moved from ICU to a regular room.  Her daughter went to see her tonight and tells me that they are giving her morphine again.  I can only assume that it is to help ease her off the medication rather than to stop cold turkey.  The body shaking is no longer constant but happens when she is about 20 minutes away from “needing” her next dose. She cried and continually said, “I’m sorry.”  All of the typical things one would expect an addict to be doing to show they are getting better.

Insomnia

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tv glow

The house is dark, except for the light of the television glow.

A dog, curled up in my lap.

It’s late.  I should be sleeping, but can’t.

The burning of my arms, the ache in my back,

the mind that won’t turn off.

The heaviness of my eyelids dims the light.

A dog, still curled up.

Aches and pains are fading into the night.

The mind has finally turned off.

Sleep is when I’m free.

Free from pain.

Free from anxiety.

Just…free.

Today

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Today…

…fatigue (can’t sleep well though)
…widespread pain
…sensitivity to touch (so don’t)
…aching joints
…can’t concentrate (fibro fog)
…jammies

Today

…is what fibromyalgia looks like

Just another day in “paradise.”  Take advantage of the good days; they can be few and far between.

Writer’s Block

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Writing is hit and miss for me.  I find that some of my “best” ideas happen at the most unexpected times; in the shower, when I’m trying to sleep or driving.  I tell myself that I will remember the ideas and jot them down but of course, I don’t.  I often wonder if other bloggers have this same dilemma and then come to the conclusion, that yes, of course they do.

Back in the day, we had small voice recorders to remind us of ideas.  I never used one.  My phone has a similar feature but of course, I don’t use that either.  There is something weird about talking into an object that can’t talk back.  You can’t bounce an idea off something that doesn’t speak.

Until I figure out a solution, I’ll just have to train my brain to remember better.  Haha, that will be the day. 🙂