Balanced Not Tipsy

It is baffling and a little upsetting to see how many YEARS I have been questioning my drinking, trying to moderate, trying to quit.  I started this blog and did that for a week or two.  I did the 30 Day Sober Solution in Sept of 2017 and thought that proved I didn’t have a problem but after the holidays I tried to give it up again in February of 2018 with This Naked Mind’s 30 Day Experiment and I lasted 3 weeks.  I went on to moderate until the summer and then went back to daily drinking.  I have had bouts of quitting for a couple days here or there but now I am committed.  I told my husband last night that I need his support to get through these first few days especially and I have taken today to really take it easy and assess and I am ready to really start living my life.

It is funny that I started to type that I am ready to “give it up” but then deleted and replaced it with start living my life.  I have long known that I need to reframe the whole idea of not drinking in order to be successful.  I need to remember it is a positive thing, a choice, a gift to myself.  I also need to remember that it takes time and that the happiness is not instantaneous.

In yoga yesterday the teacher was talking about practicing detachment from the results.  We come to our mats, we do our practice but we can’t be attached to the results.  We may do differently than we did yesterday, or then we hoped to do, but we still show up and practice and try to just be and do and let the change come… or not.  I feel like the same is for me choosing AF.  I have spent the last couple years reading sober blogs and following sober influencers on Insta and I am so excited to get where they are.  I want to be well rested with clear eyes, productive and present.  I want tomorrow to wake up with energy and focus and be patient with my kids and taste my food better.  A lesson learned from my yoga mat.  I have to detach myself from the results and just practice the process.  Just don’t drink today and take stock in how I feel.  Recognize any change without judging the changes.  I think that writing helps me do that so I will try to start writing more each day.

Thank you soberverse!

Spoiler alert: Last night I successfully survived my first social engagement!

However, I found I have been putting off writing this post.  I think the reason is because I didn’t know how I felt about it.   These are my friends, my neighbors, my drinking buddies.  The ones I already had blown off one night.  We were all invited over for a casual family dinner with multiple families.  Of course there would be wine.  I accepted, and planned, and tried not to worry.

At the end of the night when I first got home, I was basking in my success and I felt… smug… “It was easy.  I can do this.  No problem whatsoever!”  but upon reflexion I realize my emotions were way more complicated then that.

At first I was nervous, wondering what everyone would say when I showed up with sparkling water. Then I felt a pang of acknowledgement when a joke was made because one of the bottles was empty and there was sort of a “who finished it?” moment and I joked, “Oh you got me I was secretly drinking straight out of the bottle when your backs were turned.” I got really bored at one point playing a game that was not as funny to me as it was to everyone else.  I felt self conscience when part of the conversation went towards a topic I didn’t know much about.   I was relieved that I didn’t have to monitor everyone’s glass, simultaneously worrying that I was outpacing others or that they were going to run out.  I felt like a supermom that I did not get distracted and lose track of time in my glass and instead got my kids home and in bed.

All told, it was fine.  When I showed up someone said, “Ok, you are drinking that, no problem!” and I just said, “Yea, I didn’t like where I was headed.” One of my friends sort of commiserated as she had stopped for 30 days twice this year “to break the habit and push a reset.”  I did notice that no one filled their glass quite as frequently or as full as I would have.

I came home feeling smug, but I woke up this morning feeling good and whole.

I am now onto the night of Day 7.  I had a moment driving back from the gym today, knowing dinner was almost ready and I thought, “Beer!” But I immediately said “NOPE!” and this blog was part of that thought.  I have committed to the inter webs!

I will not drink today!

 

Last night I had to go to the store.  The list of things I needed was just a little too long and a little too specific for him to be trusted (geez…  will have to discuss my need for control in a future post…) But I was feeling good so I went.  I had a list, I went to my local “cheap” grocery store so I wouldn’t be distracted my free samples or the girl giving wine samples on a friday night at the “nice” store.  Husband was already home and we were going to have a family dinner.

I went into the store and got all my stuff.  Feeling good I went to dairy, which faces the wine, and walked down the isle.  I saw a woman with a  double bottle of cheap chardonnay in her basket and I felt smug at first.  I don’t need that! Then a little guilty, last week I did need that.  Then it hit me.  This revelation.  What I miss is not the relaxing with the first glass.  What I miss is not the social cocktail with friends or the taste of a fine wine.  What I miss is that buzz.  That numbing happy buzz that happens after several glasses.  I was always seeking that buzz.  In the early days it would come after 2 glasses but then it became more elusive and took more.  When I would finally get there, after a bottle or more I wanted to keep that buzz but my judgement was clouded and I would keep drinking too big of a glass or too fast and I quickly got to the other side which was mean, or sloppy or just made me pass out.

It’s not normal for a 42 year old woman to crave that buzz from wine.  It’s definitely not healthy.  I am trying not to think to big here about where this is going and how long I am not going to drink for because it seems to big and overwhelming but last night it occurred to me without a doubt that I cannot have another drink as long as my goal is to get buzzed.

So Friday night was a success.  My husband was supportive!  He had a drink himself but he did all the dishes and put the kids to bed so I could catch up on some work and drink my sparkling water.  We had a nice family dinner and I was up early this morning feeling good and ready to face the weekend.  We have no big social engagements this weekend so that helps.

Today is Day 6 and I will not drink today!

 

Last night my husband called on his way home from work and asked if I needed anything.  I asked him to pick up some milk.

DH: “Anything else?”

Me: “Nope”

DH: “Wine?”

Me: “No, I’m trying not to drink.”

DH: “Because it’s not the weekend yet or, like, for longer?” (how well he knows me and my rules!)

Me: “For longer.  Not sure how long yet.  I just don’t feel good about my drinking habits right now.”

DH: without hesitation “Oh, that’s awesome, I can support!”

So it was that easy.  I still haven’t told my friend/drinking buddy who I blew off the other night on wine night but I did ask if she and I can have coffee next week.  I am not sure who I am going to tell, when and how.  I am not quite sure what to say.

In the comments the other day HabitDone recommended I make a list or scoresheet to keep track of reasons to drink and reasons not to drink.  I am working on that list and it is a really good exercise.  I also think I want to write down some goals and hopes for my future so I can visualize how to work towards those goals.  So far most of my reasons involve my kids and my health goals but a few are more personal.  I’ll share when I am ready but already the process is clarifying.  Especially doing it now while the drinking life is still fresh for me.

Today is day 5.  The longest I have gone in AF in recent memory is 6 days so we are at a turning point here.  Luckily we have a low key weekend planned before the kids go back to school.

I will not drink today

Yesterday I had a major victory.

My best girl friends invited me over for wine.  These are my neighbors, my friends, my confidants and supporters.  We have been there for each other through career changes, children’s stages, and husband rages. (ok that part was a bit dramatic but I liked how it sounded.)  We have regularly gotten together after the kids have gone to bed.  (Don’t worry internet world, husbands stay home to monitor sleeping children) and we would drink wine and catch up.  We even joke how the conversation gets increasingly intimate after the 3rd glass.  Well last night was supposed to be a get together night and I begged off.  True – my husband was working late again.  True – I was tired.  True – I was in my PJs by 6pm.  But I just went to bed when the kids did.  I read my book and fell asleep happily snoozing by 10pm.  I did not come home at 12am and raid the pantry or fridge for something crappy to eat.  I slept straight through till 6am.  I did not wake at 3am sweaty and regretful, stressed and fitful, not able to sleep again until 4 or 5am.  Today I am refreshed, awake and so happy to face the day with my kids.  Not overtired, cranky, dehydrated.  I am so proud of myself.

It was simultaneously super simple and incredibly complex.  All I did was tell them I was super tired and husband is working a ton, but inside my head I had a huge dialog.  I wondered if I should try just drinking my sparkling water, I wondered if I should have one glass and start again tomorrow.  I thought into the future.  I thought about who I want to be, how I want to spend my time.  I was honest about my willpower in the moment.  I knew, for that time, I had to stay home.

I realize I will have to share with them what is going on, that I am taking a break from drinking.  I didn’t want to do that last night because a) one of my friend’s is going through some stuff and I don’t want to take away from what she wants/needs right now and (more importantly/honestly) b) I want to be stronger in my resolve before I go into a social drinking situation.  I feel confident they will be supportive.  We have had one friend who periodically takes a break for either habit or health reasons (excuses?).  But I think I should maybe tell them in a non-wine environment not show up to the party and be like “yea I was having a problem” buzzkill.

To be completely honest what they don’t know but might have suspected is often I would have a couple glasses of wine before I went over to someone’s house.  I didn’t want my friends to know I was drinking so much more then they were.   I would have a glass or two at dinner, one while putting the kids to bed.  So while they were joking about the 3rd glass helping them let down their hair, I was actually on my 6th glass.

Begging out on a social outing may not seem like a big victory but I have decided to appreciate the victories big and small.  My husband even came home and asked if I was going over and I said, “No, I am trying not to drink right now.” and he said “Good for you!” and he didn’t drink last night either.

I will add this to my list of victories (as soon as I figure out how to add a “list” tab to my blog hahaha) and keep on keeping on.

Today is Day 4.  I will not drink today.

Last night was stressful, I am in the midst of getting back to school prep and have 3 emotional girls who want me to be their everything as nerves are sky high.  I’m balancing scheduling activities, trying to find fun things to do on the last week off, feed them (and me) health meals, and some gym time.  I know I have heard that energy increases with sobriety but not yet!

But the victory was I didn’t drink.  I wanted to but I didn’t.  6pm we are driving home and I fought the urge to find a “reason” to swing by the store since I knew my resolve was low.  I made a super easy dinner and let the kids watch a show (rare) while they ate so I could fold laundry and be busy.  I cleaned up the kitchen right away so that I could head to beds once the kids were down.  I did go to bed once my kids were down even though my DH walked in from work and I know if I suggested it he and I would have a nightcap and chat.  Oh and I have a goal to read every day and I left that until the end of the day so that I would go to bed and read in bed (sober) for the first time in a LONG time.

These are the tools that worked for me yesterday.  I know I have spent a lot of time reading other peoples blogs and looking for clues as to how they felt and what worked in early days and now that I am in that spot I want to document it.  Remember these techniques for the future and also just maybe it helps another person somewhere sometime.

Now my girls are waking up and I am ready to face the day.  Not hungover, not resentful, just ready.

I will not drink today.  Today is Day 3!

August 23, 2016

Day one is done.  Quite frankly it was fairly easy because I felt so crappy.  It also helped that my DH came home for dinner (he rarely does these days) so I wasn’t able to justify the “just one to get me through since poor me I am doing it all on my own” as I made dinner, set the table, cleaned up from the day etc.  Not to put the responsibility on DH.  He works hard for us in a stressful job with a long commute.  He rarely puts any pressure on my or judges. He is one of those guys who can come home and have one beer (or not) and go to bed.  I used to be able to do that.  It is just one of my triggers is the evening after I feel like I have had a full day and afternoon with the kids.  I need to get the kids fed, cleaned up, and off to bed.  Then I have to finish my evening chores before I go to bed.  When he comes home it is a distraction, another grown-up, someone that keeps me accountable even unwittingly.  I haven’t told him what I am doing yet.  I’ll explore that more in another post.

One thing that worked was that yesterday instead of feeling resentful and overworked I took a moment to appreciate that I had spent the afternoon watching the kids play at the pool while I relaxed in the shade with my magazine.   I think sometimes I need to feel busy and productive all day and then in the evening I am a little over-taxed and then I don’t have the time to take some “me time.”  The other thing that worked was sparkling water.  More of a treat!

Today we have a plan to go to the gym and then do something fun in the afternoon.  Not sure what yet.  I am looking forward to the gym.  First time in months that I won’t sweat chardonnay!  I am well-rested and feel good.  I am hoping the endorphins kick in and help me relax and go to bed early tonight.   Tonights dinner plan is easy leftovers so I don’t get tempted while cooking something complicated.  Other strategy is take inventory and go to the store early if I need to.  When I swing by the store at 5pm the wine aisle is often calling to me.

I am onto day two.  I will not drink today.