You may see this , you may not.  You may not care after all that has happened. I don’t want to say it. It will hurt me and it will drudge up feelings neither of us wants to face anymore , but I need it to be said and you certainly need to hear it. I have replayed the hurt and the words over and over again. The whole situation has haunted my thoughts , dreams , and nightmares ever since that day. I STILL wake from nightmares of losing you sometimes , to this day. You were supposed to be my wife … the love of my life … my soulmate …. the ONE. I’ve replayed the scenarios and how they went and how they could have gone differently so many , many times. Just know this , I never wanted our marriage to end. I never wanted anything more than to spend the rest of my life with you. Let me just make one thing absolutely clear. Despite our arguments and difficulties , I can honestly say that our marriage was one of the highlights of my life. Our time together restored my belief that life could be good. I absolutely loved you with every bit of me. I couldn’t see my life without you in it and , honestly , I question the quality of it since then. When I lost you , it destroyed me , to the point that I truly don’t know if I’ll ever find that again or if I even want to try again. Although I regret losing you , I will always remember how happy you made me and a piece of my heart will always bear your name. I know that I didn’t show it well sometimes and I’m truly sorry for that. I was hurting and worried that I couldn’t provide for us anymore. I know we had issues and the arguments weren’t easy. I know that I seemed not to listen or act on what you told me sometimes , but you never took into consideration what I was going through. You had been dealing with arthritis , and the struggles that come with it , since you were young. I was hit like a truck by it and went from being a strong , adaptable guy that could do whatever was asked of me and keep going … to being unable to do simple things that I had done all of my life. When I said “noone understands what I’m feeling” , I was saying that I couldn’t make sense of it all. You had 30 years to come to terms with it all. I had maybe 3 years. 40 years of doing whatever I needed or had to , became 3 years of increasing difficulties and  physical failure. I went from hitting the gym , getting back to my high school football weight , and feeling great … to having a hard time just walking to the store and grabbing a few things. I went from working hard all of my life to having to stop and file for disability. I didn’t know how to handle that or what difficulties the future held for us. Yes , there were times when I was just fine sitting around being lazy , but I have never been someone who could just not have tasks to do or a purpose for long periods of time. Even when I was severely depressed and lost , I just couldn’t do nothing and feel irresponsible. I didn’t know how to be ME anymore. ALL I knew was working to have the things we needed and wanted. I am very scared of what’s left and where this is heading , in the long run. I was facing struggles … Not just physically , but financially and mentally as well , that I had never faced before in my life. Yes , it took it’s toll on our marriage. Yes , It caused me to raise my voice. Yes , I said things I shouldn’t have said. Yes , I was angry , mostly at myself and what I saw as my failures. Yes , the arguments with my son were difficult. Should I have been more careful and self-aware in how I reacted? Absolutely. What you never considered was what damage it was doing to me or the fact that my inward doubt and anger was escaping me and I NEEDED you beside me. I had fallen to my lowest point and you abandoned me. You abandoned US. You left me at the point where I couldn’t work anymore , my unemployment had run out , and there was nothing to fall back on. I NEEDED you there. It wasn’t the money that was scary. It was how you and the kids saw me that ate at me. You left me with all of the bills. You left me with OUR pets. I lost OUR apartment , that you left me with , just a couple of months after we had re-signed the lease … which is still affecting my personal credit to this day , but the most important thing I lost was the one person who always told me they saw how hard I worked and how hard I fought.  You left when I truly needed you the most. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. Did you also? Without question. What hurt the most was that … never once did you take more than passing responsibility for it. It was all “my fault” , even though you made decisions based on your past , because of what you allowed to take over your mind. You never once thought about how it would affect me. You abandoned our marriage , because of how others treated you. For God sake , you actually told my family not to help me and let me fall on my face. The ones who accepted you , even when your own hadn’t. What you forgot was how I hated having to ask for help to begin with and the fact that I fell multiple times , but always got up and fought back the best I could. It has been VERY hard , but I still got up and rebuilt , yet again. I had to give up our dogs. Our birds died. My son and I were forced from our home. I lost everything , but I still stood up , dusted myself off , and pushed through it all. A couple of years later , I almost died and almost NOONE even came to see me in the hospital. How do you think that felt to have MOST of the ones I love unable to even come and see me? What you failed to see was that when I said things like “you’re the only one I married” or “I only married you” , it wasn’t a shot at the fact that you had been married before or even that you had been married to that psychotic , abusive piece of shit. It was , literally , me saying you were the only one that meant enough to me to commit the rest of my life to. I married only you , because you meant that much to me. I was saying that you were the only one I wanted. I never wanted anyone else … EVER. I was where I wanted to be. All I had ever told you was how much I loved you and was glad I found you. I told you all the time that I wanted you , because I DID. I wasn’t just “looking to get laid”. I wanted that physical connection WITH ONLY YOU. I will always truly despise the fact that you interpreted that as a dig at you or your past. Just like the bedroom issues we had. You assumed I didn’t want you physically anymore , even though I asked and reached for you every damn day. You never bothered to research the side effects of the anti-depressant I was on , and that it and side effects from diabetes were EXACTLY WHY we were having those issues in the first place. Let’s be honest , you had already made up your mind and it didn’t matter what I said or did. You had let your daughter’s manipulative b.s. , your past relationship pain from abusive jackasses , and your own fears corrupt my words and feelings. You KNEW I would never raise a hand to you , but you insisted “I know what comes next” , no matter how hard I fought to combat what others did to you. Even when you didn’t say anything , I would remind you daily that I loved you and I would NEVER raise a hand to you. You LIED and called me “abusive”. People accused me of hitting you. Do you have ANY IDEA how much that hurt me and tore at my soul!? Then it morphed into “mentally abusive” , like that was somehow less false or insulting and hurtful. Not once did I tell you that you weren’t good enough. Not once did I tell you you couldn’t find someone else. Not once did I think or say you couldn’t do without me. Not once , did I ever try to control where you went or who with. I NEVER called you derogatory things. If anything , I questioned MY worthiness or if I was good enough for you. NOT ONCE EVER , did I even attempt to hit you , even when you tried to egg me on with “what are you gonna do? You gonna hit me?”. I never even hit inanimate objects or threw things. It WAS NOT EVER an option , in my mind. Why do you think I would storm out if I became angry enough? I didn’t want you to EVER think it would go any further. I was trying to SHOW YOU that I’d rather leave , than ever even come close to the possibilty of hurting you. I felt like a complete failure because I couldn’t provide for my family. I felt like I would lose you , because we were going to struggle without me making money. I thought I would lose you , because I wasn’t good enough. Unfortunately , it apparently turned out that I was right. It just happened

SO MUCH sooner than I thought it would. ALL I ever wanted was us to be happy and I thought I could no longer provide that for you. I didn’t know what was truth and what was just self-doubt , but I wanted to find out. You didn’t hear my blatant cries for help. Yes , I said something to my son that I never should have said , but you KNEW I never could mean it. You watched me sit on the edge of our bed and burst into tears , SECONDS after I said it , because I KNEW it should never have come out of my mouth. It was an immediate self-realization. Instead of talking to me and seeing my pain and working with me to find what was REALLY going on underneath , you used it as an excuse to blame it all on me and leave. I absolutely meant EVERY SINGLE WORD of my vows to you. I begged you to listen. I begged you to go to counseling with me , so we could fix things , I BEGGED you to hear my pain …. because I truly was willing to do whatever it took to not lose you. Do you , honestly , think I would have done that for ANYONE ELSE in the past?! We promised to love each other and get through any problems TOGETHER and I absolutely meant that. Yet , every single time we faced an issue , you held our marriage over my head. You threatened me , multiple times , that you would leave me over things that you TOLD me would never be that way. When did I EVER threaten to leave you over ANYTHING!? Even when I was worried about your daughter’s behavior ,

and ALL OF OUR safeties because of it , I let her come over and went out of my way to give her a ride if she asked. I did as you asked , because you told me you couldn’t just abandon her and I wanted YOU happy. Yet , you asked me to choose between you and my son. In what world is that ever fair , realistic , or my fault!? Yes he was difficult sometimes , but he also helped and contributed MUCH more than ANY of the others ever did. I will always miss you. I truly believed you were the ONLY one who really knew the real me. I would’ve done almost anything to prove myself to you , but somehow you believed that I would become some stalker psycho , because of what OTHERS did to you. I NEVER ONCE showed up unnanounced. I asked permission to see you every single time . I tried to go back to dating , because I felt like we never really truly dated for any realistic period of time and maybe that was part of the problem. It happened very quickly and I wanted you to see that I was willing to put in the effort and WORK toward and for you. I wanted NOTHING more than you near me. I ended up losing everything. I lived out of boxes and crates , with most of my belongings / life in a storage unit for WAY too long. The thing is , I didn’t care about that , because I believed our love was strong enough to endure and be fixed. Even after a year of being alone and hurting , I still hoped and prayed for you to come back home to me. I had my moments of weakness , but I didn’t call or push or beg , because I hoped you would see my willingness to wait and suffer and WORK FOR YOU , like NOONE ELSE had. I have had several health issues since then. I have spent 8 months of the last 3 years in the hospital. I’ve lost toes to diabetic infections , spent months in the hospital and a nursing rehab facility after losing 1/2 of my left leg from a bad reaction to a new medication that almost killed me. Even then , you know what the WORST part of it all was? I layed there , not sure if I would live through it and wishing I could see you. Just to , at least , be able to tell you these words myself before I was gone. To , at least , be able to tell you or somehow prove to you that my heart belonged to you. I absolutely belonged to you. You were my one true love. I do hate that you left , and still miss you sometimes. I will always mourn the loss of US , but , sadly , it’s part of the past. The fact of the matter is , I don’t think I’d want you to come back now. I , honestly , don’t know if I could ever trust that this wouldn’t just happen again later. Yet , somehow deep down , a small part of me longs for an opportunity to try. That’s solely my burden to bear and maybe my punishment for my mistakes in all of it. That being said , please understand something. I am not asking you to feel guilty. I’m n9t seeking your sympathy. I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t even want you to try and help. I just want you to understand how difficult it has been , how much you meant to me , how deeply you hurt me , and that I wasn’t the only one in the wrong. What I wouldn’t give to be able to tell you these things face to face and just see you smile once more , because of me. I truly hope you find happiness out there and hope someone loves and cherishes you , like I believe you deserve. Goodbye.

My biggest regret is how everything ended. I truly do miss you , sometimes and really regret how it all ended. There are times when I look back and retrace the mistakes and regrets. There is so much I wish I could explain , say , apologize for , or even take some responsibiliy for. It may just be lonelyness or regret on my part , but you deserve as much. As I approach my health issues and late / end of … life , it can be very difficult and bring up these regrets and my own part in it all. I just wish for a realistic resolution , somehow. 🤢