There is a name for this kind of horror…

Submechanophobia!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submechanophobia

As a kid visiting museums (with varying degrees of interest), I began to notice that I had an increasingly uncomfortable reaction to model sailing ships. Sailing ships only, mind. HMS Hood = no problem.

This grew over the years to the point where I now get a physical reaction. The Airfix classic ship size I can cope with, but as the models get larger I suffer anything from shortness of breath to feeling sick. It’s not only models: things underwater and boat hulls in general (especially water lapping against them) can set me off.

This has led to some rather embarrassing situations as I have worked in a number of navy buildings that often contain a model or two. In one location I was somewhat taken aback to find they had plonked a huge model of Victory next to the Gents. Caught short one day, I had to close my eyes and be led by hand to blessed relief by a bootneck, who I think is still laughing now. Of course, this was after I got married which may well have been different had the Mem not been similarly amused: our third date was a visit to the Mary Rose…

I’ve not met anybody with a similar problem, apart from the occasional agreement that stuff underwater can be a bit creepy, so it’s nice to know it’s not that unusual and there is a name for it.

And you never know - I might even be able to claim a PIP on day and get some of my tax money back. Every cloud, an’ all that.

Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild West.

 As a favour to John who messaged me on LAF, here are the fast play rules from TTG’s Once Upon a Time in the West.

My Top Ten Christmas Films

 I’ve noticed there is a regular discussion on various forms of media about whether Die Hard is a Christmas film or not. This all seems to be based on whether a film set in Christmas, as opposed to being about Christmas, is a bona fide Christmas film.

Frankly, I couldn’t care less if a film has snow, Santa or is some shite from Raymond Briggs as I have my own way of rating Christmas films. In my mind, something that I’ve seen for the first time reminds me of the season I’ve seen it, rather than the subject matter, and Christmas is treated in the same way.

So, as I’ve only four working days left and am just starting to get in the mood, I thought I would post my Top 10 Christmas Films, many of which are as Christmassy as July in Torremolinos.

Take it away, Fluff….

10 The Dirty Dozen

Ridiculous plot only someone with the mind of child brought up on Commando books can love. I love it! “You’ve seen a general inspecting troops before, haven’t you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!”

First viewed: 26 December 1977

9 The Wizard of Oz

It might have nearly killed most of the cast, but at least none of them were frightened by helicopters or look like they’ve holidayed in Belsen. A genuine film for all the family where everybody can be a friend of Judy. “There’s no place like home!”

First viewed: 25 December 1975

8 Dr Zhivago

Plenty of snow here! David Lean doing what David Lean does best. A bit of a surprise entry, considering my other choices, but it’s a film with quality you can just wallow in. “Strelnikov!”

First viewed: 1 January 1981

7 The Guns Of Navarone

The original ‘men on a mission’ which I replayed the following day with my Action Men and with whatever suitable figures I had to hand thereafter. If you have a few toy soldiers you have the men from Navarone. “Heil, everybody.”

First viewed: 26 December 1977

6 Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines

I watched this cradling a box full of Airfix 1/24 Hurricane! A bit on the long side, but I could watch Terry-Thomas do his thing for hours. “What do y’think y’doing? Frightened the life out the Memsahib!” 

First viewed: 25 December 1974

5 Waterloo

Should be called “Warts an’ All”, but a magnificent spectacle matched only be the battle of the Deetail soldiers in ‘Quincy’s Quest’ 😁. If you are not moved to buy Napoleonics, you have no soul. Or hum La Victoire Est A Nous while you paint them. “What are your plans?” “To beat the French.”

First viewed: 25 December 1976

4 Carry On Up The Khyber

Along with Cleo and Screaming, this was Carry On at its height with brilliant gags and everybody playing to their strengths. It just all ‘works’. Those who sneer at Carry Ons can just “Fakir: off!”

First viewed: 23 December 1977

3 On The Town

I was allowed to stay up late to watch the BBC2 Gene Kelly Season as my dad was a fan and this absolute banger just blew me away. A boisterous rollercoaster, with great songs and stellar cast. “My place!”

First viewed: 23 December 1979

2 Zulu Dawn

I now look at it in the same way as They Died With Their Boots On, but it’s a cracker nonetheless with enough accuracy to make it worthwhile. Kick-started my interest in the Zulu War and has many of the cast of The Wild Geese to boot! Best stiff upper lip scene ever: “Carry them to safety, Mr Melville.” “Sir.”

First viewed: 26 December 1980

1 Lawrence of Arabia

No surprise here! One of, if not the, greatest film ever made. I watch this on the same days every year (it was originally split over two nights). My mum and sister had gone to pick my grandparents up for the holidays and me & dad were left to do bloke stuff. We popped into Staines for some last minute Christmas shopping and I managed to score the brand new Airfix Multipose 8th Army. I made them up whilst watching O’Toole & co doing their thing. I now try to get something equally deserty to make while I’m enjoying my annual film fest. Who needs snow? “No, Dryden. It’s going to be fun.”

First viewed: 22 & 23 December 1975

History is Closer Than You Think

 Just for interest, I wrote this on Bob Cordery’s blog post on the 1914 battle of the Falklands. I’ve strained the memory a bit, as we are talking over 40 years ago, but the key point has stayed with me all these years

Just down the road from us in Cabrera Avenue, Virginia Water (now you know how I could buy books from Bryan Forbes) lived Mr Amlott, a lovely, elderly gentleman with poor eyesight. This didn’t phase him, however, as he was very independent and my folks would often chat to him as he took his daily constitutional to the local shops.

One day, I was returning home from college (it would be 1983 or 84) and met Mr A outside the community centre (where most likely he was entertaining the old dears). It was a lovely sunny day, but he told me it was a bit too bright for his eyes, so I walked home with him just in case he tripped. I cannot remember how the conversation took this turn (he may of asked me how old I was, so 16 or 17) but he told me he had fought in the Falklands. I thought he was pulling my leg, until he said it was 1914 and he was a boy bugler in the Royal Marines. He said it was all rather exciting and was glad he wasn’t older as he would have been petrified.

At that age, and being slightly to the softer side of Walter the Softy, I could not fathom how anybody could join up, let alone be under fire. My own grandfather saw action for the first time the following year, at Loos with the Royal Field Artillery. The only ‘action’ story he told me was that when the guns opened up for the first time he messed himself. Chatting to one of my RM colleagues about a new TV series on RM training, I remarked that I would be in the corner crying after 15 minutes. Most bootnecks are somewhat blasé about their trade, and he told me it’s amazing what people can achieve under the most difficult circumstances. I agreed. “20 minutes, then” I said.

I wish I had the brains to ask more questions of my grandad and Mr Amlott, but we very much understood it was best not to ask and let them drop little hints and stories when they were ready. For many years my grandad was friends with a lively and very funny man we always called ‘Uncle Billy’. They had been colleagues on the buses since the 1920s, had served in the Home Guard together and ended their days together in the Busman’s home in Wembley. Billy’s daughter, Jean, is my Godmother. We got them together after my nan died (1981 or thereabouts) and I listened as they bantered away on the sofa. Suddenly, this came out:

Billy: I was on the Somme.

Sid: So was I.

Billy: I was in the West Kents. What about you?

Sid: Field Artillery.

Billy: I wondered who was shooting at us.

Sid: Lucky we missed.

They then moved on to arguing who had the biggest half of the Double Decker bar my grandad had snapped in half.

Incredibly, they had known each other for over 50 years and never mentioned it.

I hef ridden vargames rhuls

 

Yes, Arnie has been helping me write stuff, not only because I am semi-literate and a psychotic cyborg can do better, but also because I am on a mission to make myself redundant. At work, I have to produce a lot of documentary evidence to show I’m doing what I have to do anyway, so being a lazy bugger at the best of times, thought I would employ AI (Austrian Intelligence). I started with something irrelevant (my annual appraisal) and moved on to important stuff, like applying NIST controls (if you don’t know, don’t ask) and was impressed. Sadly, a human is still needed in the mix to clear up anomalies, but it’s speeded up my working life considerably. Having done that, I thought I would turn to silly stuff so I installed ChatGPT at home and had a play.

Easiest way to assess the capability is let it create what you already have and compare the two. So I made it produce wargaming tabletop and campaign rules. I’ll never use them, but they are not half bad and would certainly give a good game.

I’ve got Napoleonic and WSS rules in pdf format. Message me if you are interested and I will email them to you, mainly because I cannot be arsed to set up pdf hosting environments. Alternatively, I will post the questions I asked and you can have a crack yourself.

Hasta la KBO. Baby.

Is this another cunning plan…

 …or the sign of a nervous breakdown… or both, according to the Mem.

Well, that’s another failed project…

Honestly, I’ve no idea how you lot maintain interest in this stupid hobby…🤣

After messing about with painting, basing, more painting, more basing, more basing I can’t get anything to work to my satisfaction, so I’m chucking the towel in before I waste any more time.

I’ll finish off this batch of Newline Austrians (great figures, by the way) and dump them on EvilBay. The only positive I can take from this is that Vallejo Model Colour Cream White is the best match for Austrian uniforms.