Coping with Traumatic Grief: My Not So Healing Journey

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” – Suzanne Collins

Through the years of struggling, and the continuation of struggling, it is extremely easy to not notice the progress you make. This alone is ironic, as individuals tend to live in the past. Living in the past becomes so effortless, it is difficult to even recognize you are doing it. Regardless of the “What if I did this differently?” or “I can’t believe I did that.” we are faced with remembering the past, but not recognizing the person we have grown into. Sometimes, it even takes someone else to bring it up, before you can even see it for yourself. It took me a long time to realize I was not the same person I was a year ago, two months ago, or even yesterday. Everything in my past, led me to today. It is so easy to be sucked into the “what ifs” of the past, but my mom always taught me that everything happens for a reason. Due to everything happening for a reason, we are exactly where we are supposed to be, whether we are struggling or do not like our situations/circumstances. The past is already determined, while the future is full of opportunities and possibilities.

This does not stop me from daydreaming, however. Dreaming and wishing that I can just go back to certain situations, even if it is to relive it. As much as I would want to change the past if I could, I would not know what that simple change could do to the present or even the future. If I could go back and save my mom, I surely would, despite the consequences that may occur from that change to the future. Her death opened my eyes to a variety of lessons and realizations, but I am more than willing to rid of those, if only that meant I could make new memories and experience more with her. Grief brings so much to the table that no one is prepared for, not the ones coping with it or even the ones who are surrounded with the ones who are going through everything that comes along with losing a loved one. At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong answer on how to feel when you are grieving. Sometimes, I wonder if it would have been easier to be expecting this occurrence. However, then I remember that we were expecting my grandma to pass but it did not make it any easier. From these two experiences, I realized that unexpected death and expected death are associated with two different types of grief. These different types of grief are categorized into similar, yet different emotions. Again, not everyone experiences grief the same, but I am speaking from my experience. With my grandmother’s death, we knew it was coming, just did not know exactly when. This led us to have plenty of deep conversations about everything related to the situation. She was in pain, and the only thing that kept me from losing my mind was the awareness that she was no longer in pain.

What is traumatic grief?

It’s a reaction to a traumatic event that lasts longer than is typical or that affects the person who is coping after a death or other event more deeply than is typical.

Emotional and psychological trauma strikes people in the aftermath of exceptionally stressful occurrences. Trauma is described as evoking feelings of insecurity and helplessness. People who are traumatized experience a jumble of emotions and memories that may leave them feeling anxious, numb, disconnected or distrustful.

Traumatic grief occurs after an unexpected loss, such as the sudden death of a loved one. The typical grieving process may be accompanied by post-trauma survival mechanisms that could complicate and prolong the healing process. The mechanisms may include fear, fight-or-flight (hyper) responses or freeze (hypo) responses.

– Bradley University

My mother’s death was so sudden and traumatic. There was no indication of it, no warning signs, or so I thought. I replay that day in my head, every single day. She mentioned her left arm tingling, which happens to be a symptom of a heart attack. She was not complaining, she just mentioned it once. I did not think anything of it, which is strange because I happen to be a hypochondriac. My best friend happens to be Google and looking up symptoms, even if it is just a mild headache. As much as I know I should not beat myself up for it, I cannot help but wonder if I could have caught it by looking it up, like I do with everything else. She would always poke fun at my obsession of looking up every minor health-related symptom up, but geez if only I could have proved her wrong in this situation. Regardless of the tingling left arm, she acted normal and did not complain of anything. She did not have any health-related issues either, it is so unexpected. I am not able to say I am glad she is no longer in pain, like I was able to with my grandmother. I have absolutely nothing to rely on from losing my mind.

I have indeed lost my mind, but I am slowly getting it back. The shock and trauma triggered my flight response, which resulted in me becoming emotionally and mentally numb. Due to being numb, I became a lot more impulsive than I normally am. I felt as if I was in a video game, like none of my actions or even words had consequences. Deep down, I knew it was wrong and had consequences, but I was too emotionally numb to care and make rational decisions. I pushed everything too far, seeing how much, I or the people around me could take. I even went as far as self-sabotaging my relationships with the people closest to me. I wanted to be alone, but I was afraid of what being alone would do to me. More so, what I would do if I was left alone. It did not get any better when I started feeling emotions, again. One day I felt nothing, the next I felt everything. I experienced intense emotions that came flooding all at once. It seemed like the variety of emotions that came altogether, also came full force to make up for the time from when I was numb. This resulted in doing anything and everything I could, to have even a millisecond of my mind not screaming at me and the endless repetition of my her last breath replaying in my head. I was even considering an at-home lobotomy. To this day, my mind still screams at me, the emotions have not calmed down one bit, but I am taking it day by day. Some days it is unbearable, other days it is almost bearable. Even now, I do not know what is worse, being numb or feeling everything all at once.

My medications have played a huge part in keeping me sane enough to make it through every single day. Just taking medication for mental illness is a journey in itself, but we can dig more into that, another time.

I am not proud of the person I was, I am not proud of the person I am today, but I am much better than the person I was then.

Baylee's Diary

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

Baylee’s Journey: Love, Grief, and Personal Growth

Trigger Warning: Death, Talk of Self-Harm; Proceed with caution!

December 26, 2020
May 27, 2021
June 8, 2021
November 18, 2021
January 3, 2022
August 15, 2023
August 21, 2023
September 3, 2023
January 9, 2024
June 7, 2024

Just bear with me! I know it is a lot of dates!

December 26, 2020

To start off, especially on a happy note, this date represents when my boyfriend (Kyle) and I officially started dating. We had plenty of ups and downs, but I truly do not know where I would be without this man. He saved me in more ways than one, even physically (We will get to that soon)! We had plenty of rocky roads, just like every relationship, but we were able to run through the obstacles together and grow stronger. Slowly, breaking gender stereotypes, but I was the one who actually asked him out. However, to be fair, he tried but I was just not ready for commitment. In other terms, I was scared to get hurt and did not think I was strong enough for the constant ‘what if’ scenarios that crossed my mind day in and day out, but when I was finally faced with the fact that he’s not going anywhere, even after the dozens of attempts to push him away, I knew he was not going to up and leave after things got tough (which surely they did). He proved me right, each and everyday, being by my side through the lightest and darkest of days, just everyday.

May 27, 2021

This significant day is the day I graduated high school! I’m sure I did not mention before, but I did online school or virtual school from 8th grade all the way to graduation. Virtual school is not for everyone, but it was perfect for me. It did get lonely at times, especially not being surrounded by people all day, everyday. However, with the choice of virtual school, I was able to focus more on my mental health, especially when it came to therapy sessions and psychiatrist appointments. My mental health definitely improved once I received much better grades than I have ever received in all my years of ‘regular’ in-person school. I can never thank my mom enough for giving me the chance to try it out, despite what everyone else’s thoughts were on the subject. She advocated for me when everyone else was against me and my decision. This is an important part of my story and journey, even if it seems insignificant. I cannot express just how much I improved mentally and emotionally just from one decision.

June 8, 2021

This was one of the scariest days of my life. This is the day I had an stress-induced seizure. This was my first ever, and HOPEFULLY my last seizure. I still cannot remember the correct details, what I remember is not what actually happened. I remember being at the airport (traveling home from a vacation in Nashville) and being lightheaded so sitting down on a curb and then waking up in an ambulance. However, that is not what happened. We left the airport, and went to the nearest humane society to look at sheltered dogs for my grandmother. The humane society is actually where I had my seizure. I was complaining of being lightheaded, like I remember, but I passed out and seized before I had the chance to sit down on the curb. Kyle (my boyfriend) was the one who caught me before I hit my head on the concreted ground. This is what I was referencing to, when I mentioned he even saved my life physically. Who knows where I would be or what head/brain trauma I would have if he was not there to catch me before I hit the ground. However, this event traumatized him. What is a relationship without sharing/experiencing trauma together, right? I ended up staying in the hospital for three days before I was released. Thankfully, I did not need to be put on anti-seizure medications when I was released and even when I followed up with a Neurologist. Ever since this incident, I have had memory problems and even coordination problems. I am a lot more ‘clumsy’ and ‘forgetful’ than I was before. Mental health is extremely important, especially when it comes to your physical health. I never knew you could have a STRESS seizure, but it taught me how important it is to manage stress (and I give myself plenty of that!) Of course, I had to take a picture after I was conscious! Typical ‘Baylee Adventure.’

November 18, 2021

This was a very sad and traumatic day. My beloved grandmother passed away. She was one of my best friends, so it was extremely hard. Grief is horrible. She was diagnosed with lung cancer that metastasized throughout her body. I am very blessed that I was able to spend her final days with her, however two days before she passed away I witnessed her break a hip. It took me months just to get the sound of her hip snapping, out of my head and nightmares. She had surgery to replace her hip, but sadly she passed away, not even a full day after her surgery. We all knew she had a limited amount of time left, however we still were not mentally prepared for that day to come. I still cannot get over the fact that I bought her a gift that came the day after she passed away. She never got the chance to see her custom blanket that I bought her, and I never got to see her reaction. I miss her endlessly, I still wish she was here, but I am now able to smile knowing that she is not in anymore pain. I hold onto the memories I have, especially relying on videos and pictures to refresh my memory or even to help myself remember, since the effects of my seizure messed with my memory. Here is the blanket! I was her Kikie Marie, she was and forever will be my Emme.

January 3, 2022

Once my grandmother passed away, I just could not let go of her house. Therefore, I moved in. This helped tremendously with the grief, but also wasn’t easy. I was surrounded by memories, and the constant reminder that she is gone. I do not know if you believe in the afterlife, but I swear I can feel her presence sometimes. I know she is watching over me, and she has given me plenty of signs that she is extremely happy with my decision to move in and not sell the house. Everyone else was happy too, especially since my grandmother loved to keep everything, even unnecessary things. I still have an attic, garage, and spare bedroom filled with random objects, big or small. Every time I go through things, I always hear voice in the back of my head saying, “You never know if you are going to need it!” It makes me laugh every time. She may be gone physically, but she is still here with me. This situation was a horrible experience, but she gave me so much more to always remember her by. Not to mention, I am not even five minutes away from my parents’ house. Living in her house, with Kyle, and our two puppies is such a blessing. Makes it even better that my puppies would not be here, if it were not for her dog. Her dog birthed my doggies and I cannot be more thankful to have even more reminders of her.

August 15, 2023

Daytona State College is where I graduated with my Associates of Arts degree with honors on August 15, 2023. During the process of receiving my AA degree, I would constantly beat myself up and degrade myself. I always wondered why I did not just do dual-enrollment in high school like all my friends did. They were all able to just go to university once they graduated high school, since they did dual-enrollment and graduated high school with their degree. I had everyone telling me that I should still feel proud of myself for even getting my degree. However, I just could not shake the feeling of being so disappointed in myself. That was until I received my first award on the Dean’s List. I started letting myself be proud and patting myself on the back. It wasn’t until after the second award on the President’s List where I finally forced myself to believe that I am right on track and where I am supposed to be. “I am allowed to be going at my own pace, even if my pace does not match the people around me.” Despite finally accepting it, once I graduated I did not walk with my class. I chose to not go and walk the stage. I still had negative feelings towards giving myself the recognition and believing I should walk the stage. My mom was very disappointed, since I did not walk at my high school graduation either, since I was out of state. I promised her I would walk the stage when I graduate with my Bachelors Degree. I should’ve just went to graduation and walked the stage, for her. I should’ve just did it, if not for me, then for her.

August 21, 2023

We are almost done, I’m sorry! After a lot of fight and trying to figure out what I want to study, I chose Social Work. Since the University of Central Florida (UCF) offered Social Work as a program, it took a lot of extra steps to be accepted into the university AND the program. However, I was accepted into both. It took me two to three class sessions before I realized I was doing the wrong thing. UCF was hours away from me, and if anyone knows me, they know I HATE driving. So driving that far of a distance, to and from, was stressful in itself. Not to mention, UCF being a huge school and finding which parking garage to park in, where my classes are, etc. Despite all of those aspects, I also did not like the concepts we learned about. I realized more and more that I was only interested in the mental health aspects of every topic and concept we learned and I was unable to focus on anything else besides those aspects, even if that was not the primary concept. I knew what I needed to do.

September 3, 2023

The worst day of my life. It was just a normal Sunday. Labor Day weekend, so we decided to go on the boat Saturday and Sunday. We usually only go Saturdays, but since it was a holiday weekend, we decided to go Sunday, as well. The day was normal, or so I thought. We were having a blast, like we always, do on the boat and on the island. We all had our heart to hearts, just floating in the water. I had the chance to talk to my mom and get her feedback on my decision of changing my major. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders, when she told me to go for it and she would be with me every step of the way. If only I knew. After a long day being out in the water, we got back to the dock and started loading the boat back on the trailer. My mom started getting nauseous and saying it was hard to breathe. She was fine all day. Thankfully there was an officer around who called for an ambulance. To calm me down, he claimed it was just heat exhaustion or dehydration and she would be fine. While waiting for the ambulance, I could visibly see my mom’s inability to breathe. All I could think about is what she would always say to me when I was having trouble breathing during one of my anxiety attacks. “Smell the roses, blow out the candles.” Those were my last words to her. Her last words to me were, “I can’t.” When the ambulance got there, they placed her on a gurney and started chest compressions. The officer told me to stop hyperventilating, because the EMTs would stop working on her and start focusing on me. They took her away in the ambulance. I hyperventilated the rest of the way home, running in the house, ripping my bathing suit off and putting on clean clothes. As I was putting my shoes on, I swear I felt my heart stop for a second and I fell to the ground. I knew it, but didn’t want to accept it. We made it back to the hospital, only for them to tell us, “We did all that we could. She had a heart attack.” She passed away in the ambulance but they were able to bring her back, but she passed away again when they made it to the hospital and they were not able to bring her back. I was numb. Everyone else was crying, I was numb. We went into the room, said our goodbyes, and it’s all still a blur. I lost my best friend, my momma, my everything, in a matter of minutes. My life could have NEVER prepared me for this, and the grief is almost unbearable. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder shortly after this day. The flashbacks are so cruel to have to relive. Watching her take her last breath is on a repeated loop in my head, despite wanting it. The emotions from that day, I have to relive it all over every single day. Losing a parent is a different kind of grief. Losing a parent unexpectedly and traumatically, is a different kind of grief. I am faced with so much different types of grief, as well as still grieving the death of my grandma on top of it all. I miss you momma. I still hate this world for taking you away from me. I will forever miss my best friend, my lifeline, the amazing person i was so lucky enough to call my momma.

The next day, I had to go to the emergency room, be put on heart medication because my heart rate was through the roof, put on a heart monitor, and see a cardiologist. I am still on the heart medication. While I was at the emergency room, they gave me Ativan and it knocked me out. While I was asleep, the nurse told my family that I need to be watched because he saw how numb I was and I was not ‘acting like a normal person whose mom died the day before.’ “She’s going to break, and when she does, you need to watch over her.” I still have yet to break, or at least I don’t think. It’s all been a blur. However, I have a feeling it’s coming soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueF0aqEAU7w&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR2t0H4ISct-0lqY_MlMMv9_jz1gN9jnIv2eaQ4Y0UJEcN0zqMDINfsTN3c_aem_blDvMaqzWKf8vQBrTxwWZA

January 9, 2024

After taking a semester off to grieve and change my major, I started my first day of Clinical Psychology. I consider this an extremely important day because I know my mom is proud of me. Since I had the chance to talk to her and get her feedback on my decision of changing my major, hours before she passed away. I remember being so worried about what she thought, because changing majors brings plenty of unnecessary struggles, however she reassured me. She supported my decision fully, despite the hardships, especially with it being an online opportunity since she was so worried & stressed about the drive to & from school. I still have all the texts of her making sure i made it to school and made it home safely. Changing my major was a process, but she made it happen. I don’t know how or what she did, but when i spoke to the online division of the university, they told me that i was ineligible for the online program since i already went to the in person class. Yet, here i am being approved for the online program!! She’s always watching over me and she always has my back.

June 7, 2024

To end this all off, June 7th is significant because it recognizes the 6 years that I have been clean from self-harm. Despite all the times where I could’ve and definitely wanted to relapse, I didn’t. For anyone who feels the way I once felt and sometimes still feel. Keep fighting. You CAN and WILL do it. For anyone who is struggling & doesn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, please do not hesitate to click the contact button on the page. I might not be able to do much but just listen, but I’m not going to let you go through anything you’re going through alone.

If you made it to the end, thank you. I’m sorry for trauma dumping on you. It is your turn! Trauma is not meant to be kept within. Let us help each other, even if it is just being a listening ear. We are all in this together. We can all learn from each other. Talking about it might help or might not. You never know unless you try. I hope to see you back again, I am planning on being more active with this page. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this, I know it is a lot.

DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT ME IF YOU NEED A LISTENING EAR OR A SHOULDER TO CRY ON!

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

Reconnecting with Baylee

How are y’all doing? I am so sorry it has been awhile! There is so much to catch y’all up on!

First thing first, I finally turned 21! Woohoo! Thank y’all again for the birthday wishes, even if it was months ago! Here are the pictures and videos from my birthday cruise! https://www.snapchat.com/add/bayleesul/highlight/db0d682e-09a8-44b7-8399-33dfa333b649invite_id=XXJSCeC0&locale=en_US&share_id=TpHQ09_nTI2aK7Zko5x18g&xp_id=1&sid=626aca3ccc7a48d0acc02505b3c6a13e

These past few years have been an absolute rollercoaster, especially with emotions and events, specifically traumatic events. So be prepared for the ride! I missed y’all, and I am looking forward to hearing from y’all!

importance of your mental health/a little update

after everything that happens, everything that comes and go, you are here to stay. you have to put your mental health before and above friendships and relationships. in the end, you may never know who will come and go. i hate to say this, but after everything.. this saying is true. people will come and go, but you cannot go. you are the only one who knows your true intentions, your truth, and the support your mind & body needs. don’t get me wrong or twist the meaning. advice and support is nice, but for your own sake don’t depend on others to help you out of the hole you are stuck in. they will help you once, but the next time will never be promised. even if it was verbally promised. let people help you, and learn from their help. become stronger from everything they taught you getting out of that hole. if you ever get stuck in that hole again, use everything that you learned and find your way out of that hole. i guess i’m just trying to say, it really hurts when the person who pulled you out of this rut isn’t coming back to pull you out again. and that’s where i am at right now. trying to pull myself out of this rut again, with everything that the people before me have taught me and of course what i have learned through myself. i got this, i want to believe i do. everything happens for a reason, and im still trying to find the reason this is happening. i feel myself getting stronger though. i have a little more self control than i used to. i’m really proud of how far i have come. memories that appear on my snapchat, instagram, and facebook help me realize how far i have actually come. i might not be in the greatest state of mind right now, but i am most definitely not in the worst state of mind. which is why, im more than glad i have memories from 1-7 years ago to support that statement.

new year, same but better me?

this year is already starting off better than all the rest. hopefully it still continues to be better than the rest. i have made an many agreements with myself, that i’m going to keep. i’m caring about myself more, trying to distract myself from my flaws, and even trying to be more mindful of the negativity that people throw around. this is a new year, so i’m trying some things different. i’m letting people back into my life, i’m trying to tell myself people actually do change. letting the ones who hurt me back into my life, will only prove to me that people really do change. once that gets through my head, things will be a lot easier for me.

what are you doing different this year?

our new start;

i’m a bit late with this, but happy new year! i know some may say that this is a new year, nothing different. but this is our chance to change our ways, and change our lives. at his is our chance to change everything we do not like about ourselves or the situation we are in. this is our chance to gain the strength to change what we did not approve of in 2018. it’s time to change the way we talk down about ourselves. it’s time to start telling ourselves each morning,

“I am powerful.”

”I am worthy.”

“I am incredible.”

“I will get through this.”

“I can and will do anything life throws at me.”

keep telling yourself all of these (and more) over and over again. everyday. anytime you’re not feeling well, remind yourself this.

Losing Myself = Finding Myself

Losin Nyself

Losing myself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because in the end I actually found myself. The losing myself process was a very hard and long process that I had to deal with. After all, it was all worth it in the end. I am a much more happier little bean than I ever have been in my life. I am at the greatest point in my life right now. I may be losing people, but I am not losing myself again and that is all that matters. Instead of seeing the negativity of life, I am seeing the positive and sticking with the positive. If anyone tries to bring me down or makes me feel like I am less than myself then I have no choice other to drop them. I made a pact with myself when I lost myself. “If anyone makes me feel negatively about myself or even brings me down one bit, I cannot hang around them, or associate with them. This is my guide to happiness. Once you get rid of the people who bring you down, then you start working on yourself. Instead of bringing yourself down, you bring yourself up. Instead of focusing on everything you are not, focus on everything you like about yourself.

go follow my social medias: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Fake-smiles-all-around-148491715833826/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/baylee.will.be.okay/?hl=en Share with your friends to spread positivity!

don’t forget to smile today!

351523B2-8141-4EEB-BB5B-2833DE63A62F

happy Saturday! don’t forget to smile today! here’s a goal for the weekend-week. i want you to smile or compliment a stranger. make someone’s day! you never know what the person might be going through, and you could just make their day. it will make you and the stranger feel really good about themselves. have a good day! never forget to smile and spread positivity ! 💕

smiles;

i may not be the prettiest, or even the cutest. but my happiness makes up for all the bad thoughts I have of myself. everyday is worth waking up, with a positive attitude towards living and towards myself. i think for once, i’m actually happy.

My beauties;

These last two months have been a real life changing experience for me. I have become happier. I am learning how to smile more, along with feeling better about myself. I am actually giving myself hope, instead of tearing myself down. This is truly only the beginning of my happy story, and I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. It’s crazy how just 3 months ago, I was my worst self. Now here I am, as my best self.