Velle est posse – To be willing is to be able!

I just realized that I should update this page! I began this Blog to help myself deal with the whirlwind of emotions, and thoughts after an unexpected Cancer Diagnosis!

I live in Milford, Connecticut, but grew up in England! I’m from the very small village of Bedhampton. It’s just outside of Portsmouth in the County of Hampshire. Although I left in 1987, it is still very dear to my heart and I had just came back from a visit to me old home town when this Journey began!

I have only been home twice, but the first time (about 4 years ago) I was emotionally paralyzed and stricken with uneasy feeling from old ghosts and memories. But, last years visit was the opposite of that, it was beautiful and everything was just right.

My husband’s father lived with us and passed away in March of last year from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s (Lewy Bodies Dementia), he was the life and soul of our home, I miss him very dearly! When he moved in with us I promised him that I would never let him go into a Nursing Home and that there was nothing he could do, that I couldn’t handle… I kept that promise and he passed away peacefully here with us in his own room!

My husband felt that he wanted to treat me for taking care of his Father and I chose to take him home and show him where I grew up, he had never been to England, or been outside the United States ever. I felt that he had seen enough episodes of Mr Bean and East Enders to be able to handle a full on British Holiday!

I’d promised my General Practitioner that I’d come for a Physical and saw him on September 11th. He was concerned that I’d shrunk 2 inches in the 4 years since I’d last had a physical and ordered a Bone Density Test. Then we both agreed that a Mammogram would be a good idea because I hadn’t had one of those in the 4 years that I’d taken care of Grandpa either.

I’m not concerned about privacy and will answer any reasonable questions. Please remember these are just my own personal experiences and stories about the journey all women fear they will take! I have walked and sometimes been held up by a lot of good friends. I’m eternally grateful to them!

Here is my Summary Diagnosis…

In Situ and Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. 2 Tumors, both measuring over 2.9cm.

ER Positive (3+ 100%)

PR Positive (2-3+ 100%)

HER 2NEU Negative

K167: Low, less than 5%

Oncotype Dx = 4

Lymph Nodes were negative and tested during my Bi-lateral Mastectomy. I had reconstruction with Silicon Implants and Fat Grafted from Liposuctioned abdominal donor sites!

I was also treated with Lupron (to Oblate my Ovaries) and take Exemestane daily! I’m undergoing a Bilateral Oophorectomy (Ovaries are being removed) this week! This is prophylactic and to reduce Estrogen levels!

I’m in full on Chemo-pause (Induced menopause) because even though I had a Total Hysterectomy 5 years ago, I had kept my Ovaries and hadn’t entered Menopause yet.

Timeless ~ A word that I thought only became useful when comparing anything old with its uniqueness to still fit in with today… I never pondered the word, although ancient text may have contained it, as you will read, I am no scholar!

Timeless~ Is the feeling when time stands still, a decision is about to be made, or an announcement has just been made! You’ve been given bad news and all the events that follow are already running through your mind before they’ve happened!

They’re banging into each other! Out of synchronicity!

These will all be true stories, maybe to the reader they’ll be a “You had to be there!” experience, and some of you may have been there! Please let me know if you want your name changed and I’ll be on it, Tout de suite!

I titled this Blog “Dear Diary” because in our memories our pasts are our maps of where we have been are our Diaries, our records and footprints of our lives. And “Dear Map” makes absolutely no sense at all! I used to have Diaries when I was a little girl, you’d call it a Journal if you wanted to be all grown up and sophisticated. – Well, I don’t, I don’t want to be all grown up OR sophisticated… I want to be a little girl again! Playing on the floor with dolls in my bedroom and carefree!

I’ve rarely known where I was going and didn’t know where Connecticut was until I moved here! That is a whole other story, but if I hadn’t moved to the US I might not have had a Mammogram until I was 50! I wouldn’t have lived that long!

Recently, I’ve been on a Journey with no map since September of this year, although the packing for the journey began a few months earlier. Again, I had no map…. Again! (We’ll come back to that when I explain how I took another journey in 1987 that saved my life this year) But this time my destination is unplanned, there is no ticket in my pocket, the emotional equivalent of wearing no clothes to High School in a dream!

I didn’t know what I’d need on this trip, so I took an empty suitcase! I picture mine like an adorable Vintage, silk pocket lined one, it’s Ballet Pink and soft and worn like comfortable practice Pointe shoes! Maybe I’ll find one in an Antique Shop one day (There’s always Amazon) but since I was a little blond, with the deceiving ‘good girl‘ look! I’ve dreamed.

Please continue to read the trips I did and didn’t have planned…