Me...Me.....

And because it wouldn't be Old Cron's blog without an Amy video, I'm  putting one up tonight (this morning) because I can, and because I can...I'm going too.  I took my sleeping pill, so I'm feellng a bit dopey.

Bus, Bus---The song that gets me through painful injections each Sunday night for my RA.

Next Song---Water is Wide---Lilith Fair.

I adore it, and it's what pulls me through the hard stuff lately....and then puts me in my happy place.

Peace out,

OC

Good Morning BadAss!

Good Morning Bad Ass....(because it's 1AM)

I've tried blogging a few times since I stopped BearsMountain.  

It's becoming clear to me, that this is the one I need to write  in.  It's becoming clear to me, after so many years of disconnect, that I need to pick up where I left off...and move on.

Move on in time, and move on in history, and claim my past.  What is written in these very hallowed pages are the only clear memory of what happened to me during my coming out time. During the time I divorced my ex husband.  My kids are not babies anymore, I now live in a domestic partnership with my beloved girlfriend, with my kids, and with my dogs....in another house up on a hill.  Another house, in a different place, with a majestic view, even better than the one I had before.

I truly live in the "BearsMountains" now.  Not too far up the road, we find bear tracks.  I've seen lynx's running through my yard, and jack rabbits that are big enough to eat a bear--well maybe I'm stretching the truth a wee bit about the jack rabbits....but they are so big, they scared my dog!

I work in an old haunted inn....and I love it.

My yard is too windy to grow a garden.

When it snows here, the wind howls.....cries and wails for his love to meet him in the east.  It's a magic place.  I knew it when I walked in the door the first time.  I felt that "home" feeling for the first time in my life.  I don't  know how I willl survive here in the long run, time will tell.

It's time to start writing again.  I've been reading my old writings, and feeling like I need to go home, which is why it's my prerogative to do what I want, and what I want is to reclaim 'Old Crone' and move on.

If you remember me, and my story, stop by and say hi!  If you have a new blog, give me a link.

Welcome back to me!

OC

Good Night Sweet Heart

It's time to go.

OC is moving to new digs....you can find me here. Please please follow me, take my feed, and put lots of comments in my new blog!!!

Cold Shoulder

OK Peeps..it's been a long time, but I'm jammin on ARay tonight, and I have the most serious of crushes on her. It's like the magnet say's..."Dip Me In Honey, and Throw me to the Lesbians"!!!!!

Saturday Again....

I'm going to the old house in a bit, with a bunch of happy purple and lime green bins to fill up with the stuff that is left there. I'm sure it's going to make me a bit sad. When I'm IN the house, I'm OK...I'm not missing it, etc...but the minute I go out on the deck...Wham!!! It's like a hammer hit me in the gut from the missing it, from the lost dreams, from the happiness I had when I moved in there, pregnant and full of hope for the future. But as they say, that was a long time ago. It's time to let go, to let it go. To find a new family for the house, new kids to play in the yard, on the swing set. Someone who might love the tasteful blue counter tops that I hated.

Meanwhile, in my new home, and it is feeling very much like a home. I've met some of the neighbors, everyone is really friendly so far. My kids have made fast friends with the girls next door and hope for a play date soon. I'm going to invite the family over for a BBQ next weekend. Hubby and I, (I can't in good conscience call him Dufus right now) had a lovely time last night. He moved into his new house and was very tired. I invited him over, grabbed some steaks from the market and he came over and we BBQ'ed. We sat out on my porch, in my new rockers and talked. We laughed, and the kids played. We were both relaxed and had a good dinner. We talked about exchanging house and car keys out of necessity, as I've come home twice this week and he and the kids were sitting outside waiting for me. It makes me so happy to be getting along with him, and then be able to send him home. It makes me so happy to still be able to be a little bit of a family unit. It makes me happy to hear how excited he is about his new house. Happy is happening here right now.

The kids are with him, and I've spent part of the morning cleaning and getting laundry started. I didn't clean up too much last night, I didn't feel like it.

I'm going to get what I need to get done and then come home and have an evening to myself. Make a nice dinner and who knows what?

I'm considering trying to get a small air conditioner for upstairs, which is miserably hot in the daytime. I did order thermal drapes for both bedrooms in hopes of keeping out the hot afternoon sun, so we will see, but the air-conditioners are on sale all over town right now, and August is when we are going to need them. We only need them for about 6 weeks, but we need them bad during that time.

I'm considering starting a new blog, and putting this one to rest. It's been a long haul, but I'm moving in a different direction now, and think the time may be right to put Bearsmountain down for a rest, and start a new blog, for a new life.....I think I will keep Bearsmountain as a link though, It's been so helpful for me for the last two years, and I know there are a ton of us Late in Lifers, as my new friend Rebecca would say out there who can and will benefit from my journey. I'm still considering, and pondering, we will see I suppose where the wind takes me.

Peace,

OC

Living in the Red..

Wow...what a day.

Hubby, aka Dufus, and I had a pretty serious conversation this afternoon. He told me again he needed help. I told him again, I didn't feel the need to help him. We talked and talked. I told him this was the first decent conversation we have had in months. I agreed to go to the house to help him get the rest of my stuff out of it. He agreed that we would hire a cleaner to clean it.

He then called me and asked me what I was doing tonight. I had told him that I was having trouble getting some stuff done, and that was one reason I didn't want to help him. He came over tonight, and rebuilt Little Misses bed. I had evidently screwed it all up. He fixed it, and carried boxes up the stairs.

I made him dinner, and we ate at my new table, all four of us. Probably the first home cooked meal any of us have had in a month.

He didn't say a word about all of the new furniture and artwork in the house (which for some juvenile reason I was completely messed up about).

He spent a ton of time with the kids, and they loved it. It was nice. Not romantic nice at all, but family nice. Nice for the kidlets.

So I'm going to help him Wednesday night get a bunch of stuff done in the house. I don't feel so resentful about it now.

When he went home, I got a phone call. He got the house he wanted. I think this is a karmic sign than we are moving in the right direction. This place is a nice house, reasonable priced, good place for the kids, and enough room to park the camper and the trailer for the 4-wheelers. It will be a good place for him, and I heard and excitement in his voice tonight when he told me that I haven't heard in a very long time.

We talked of taking the kids riding when he gets moved. He seemed amazed I would still want to do that. I told him of course I still wanted to go riding. That I loved riding, and we had finally gotten it all set up to take the kids, and that activities we could do together with the kids, would be a good thing for all of us.

There is no more marriage....I think there is still the possibility of being friends and a different kind of family, which is what I've wanted all along.

Now, don't go thinking I'm seeing everything through rose colored glasses, I'm not. I don't and won't go back to be married to him. I am a lesbian, and I intend to live the remainder of my life as such. That being said, I'd love to keep some sort of viable family unit for the kids, and because under all the addict crap, there is a person I really love and like.

He said he felt motivated. It's a nice idea. I hope he is motivated.

I spent the remainder of tonight, sitting on my back porch, in my pretty little yard, watching my kids talk over the fence to the neighbor kids. I haven't felt such a sense of peace in I don't know how long. I know it's not the acre of beautiful yard I had, but it's my little yard. It's a safe place for my kids to play. I have a lovely covered patio, with a beautiful little lawn. I have a beautiful wind chime that was ringing very faintly tonight. I have a beautifully landscaped front yard with a quaking aspen tree that I do not have to take care of. I have a home that is beginning to look like a Tuscan bungalow.

I have art on the walls that I love. I'm sitting on the softest of soft (butter soft) leather couch. I have RED curtains on my windows with curtain rods I installed myself. I finally have peace. I've come home every night this week to peace. To feeling like I am in control of my own destiny........ finally.

This is a RED moment. Red is me. Old Crone is RED. I am living RED. Red is joy for me. I hadn't realized just how unhappy I was. I think when you are in the middle of turmoil and torture, you block it out so that you can keep moving.

It seems amazing to me, that a mere two months ago, I was still in my house, mulling leaving him, feeling horrible, fat, sick, tired, etc...

Now, I am still fat, but I feel sexy. I feel energetic. I want to have sex. I want to vacuum. I want to mop the floors and do the laundry and LOVE my kids the way I was meant too.

I am not some unhappy mopey mom now. I have been hanging with my kids...holding them. Talking to them. Playing Guitar Hero with them, and going for walks with them. They are fascinated by sidewalks. I have a weekend coming up with no kids, and I intend on sleeping. Lying in bed and sleeping. A luxury I haven't had in years.

I'm going to sleep now...

Peace,

OC

The First Day of The Rest of My Life

I talked to a good friend of mine today. She is also someone who is friends with Hubby...to be known now on as "Dufus". Anyway, she told me, OMG..you can't imagine how bitter he is at you. I said "I know", and she basically told me that "I didn't know", that it was way worse than was suspected.

That it was my fault that he was having to sell the house, that it was my fault that he was "going to get stuck paying child support" (he said that verbatim to her more than once), that he was getting turned down for housing, etc...I told her when he talks to me, it sounds like he "hates me" and she said, "I think he does actually, you've taken his whole life away as far as he's concerned."

So anyway, I sent him an email letter today that I went through my lawyer first, letting him know I will not be cleaning the house, that I will split a cleaning service to do this, that the parenting plan is already in effect and next weekend was his weekend, and that if he continues to live at the house, he can pay all related bills, that I will split all costs as long as he is out of it, but if he lives there, I will not subsidize it for him. I also let him know I would be turning off his cell phone on 8/1/09 and that he needed to get that taken care of first.

I'm just so done with this. It's amazing, that getting out of the actual situation, has given me the courage to really stand up to him. I have realized I do not have to deal with his hatefulness. I can go through my attorney. I do not have to let him in my house, or be held hostage to his moods. I can demand that he keep up his end of the parenting plan we both signed on. I can do whatever it is that I want now.

I can't believe I'm really in my own beautiful townhouse. It really is coming together. It looks pulled together and beautiful. It's cool in here compared to the house, and the kids have relaxed.

Peace,

OC

Indy 500

Seriously, this is post 500.

Bearsmountain is two years old now, well if you want to get technical, two years and a few weeks, but who's counting??

Blogging has saved my life. Really, it has. I started out, just playing around, reading a few blogs. I remember when I put my Cluster Map on it, and would get excited about each new dot. Now, it's hard to tell where the dots are. I've met some wonderful people along the way. Some have come and gone, some have been constants from the beginning. There are several of you out there, who I trust so much, I'd probably leave my kid with you...I'm sure you know who you are.

It's an addictive, narcissistic hobby. It's my space, and I run it. I put what I want here. I do it to please myself. I've been stunned with the amount of late life lesbians out there. I never ever thought there were so many of us. I've formed some great friendships.

I love the saying, "I love my computer because my friends live in it". For me, that is so so true. It's been a way to find a community of women, that I would never have found any other way.

So anyway, I've been waiting to make this post because it is post 500. I wanted to make post 500 from my new home.

It's early morning, and here I sit, with a yummy cup of coffee, writing on my laptop which I have unpassworded. I feel free. I am free. Hubby doesn't even seem that interested in the kids, which makes me horribly sad, but considering his mental state right now, takes a load of worry off my mind. They are here with me, Small Son and Little Miss. We have been having "slumber parties" in my room at night, them in their new sleeping bags, me in my bed, and we are all happy. They miss daddy, but not terribly yet. I think they are as relieved as I am to be away from the stress of him.

Moving weekend was hellish. Hubby was horrid, mean, unhelpful, and would barely keep the kids so I could work over here. It left me feeling alone and frustrated that there were things I just couldn't do, and had no one to help me do them. Then I got them done myself. What a feeling of accomplishment. I had to change out the electrical wire on my dryer, because I had the wrong plug for the wall. I did that! I built umpteen pieces of furniture, hung photo's, got myself moved, albeit with a few bumps along the way.

The furniture store called, and the new stuff will be here soon. So mostly everything is good.

The one thing I am struggling with is my cat. Keep in mind, I'm a cat person, I've had cats, multi cats all my life. This cat is turning into a problem. He constantly attacks unprovoked. He has drawn blood from the kids more times than I can count, and he's getting worse. I'm not sure why, but I'm beginning to suspect his feral cat roots. I'm thinking about taking him back to the shelter. I think he might be better off as a barn cat. I've never done this before, and it makes me feel terrible, but our lives have been being run by this kitten. Having to lock him out of any room we are in because of the attack mode.

He won't even settle down at night, and sleep with us, he will for a bit, then he wakes up and jumps on someones face and attacks...so he's been locked out of the bedroom. I don't think there is anything physically wrong with him. He acts fine, is not hungry, thirsty and his cat box is clean. I'm about at the end of my rope here with him. Like I said, I am a cat person, I've had cats all my life, and never had one like this.

The fact that his aggressiveness is getting worse worries me. I've had to kennel him when the work people come over to keep him from attacking them. So I have nearly decided to take him back this afternoon. We will see. It's gotten to the point I don't really like him, and don't want him on me. It makes me so sad, and it's not Sooshie's fault, I think it's his genetics. I think maybe he needs to just be free to hunt and be a cat.

So anyway, there you go, my long update.

I am free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!

Peace,

OC

The Pit

Yesterday was hands down one of the most stressful days I've ever had. I spent the day worrying what Hubby was going to do. I can't believe how sick I felt. I sat at my desk at work, and just dry heaved most of the day, while working without stopping. I'm glad he didn't see how bad I was.

He called me and told me that he signed the separation papers, and that he had taken them to my attorney's office, of which I have not been able to confirm yet. I got an email from her about 5:20 last night that said she hadn't received them and she would let me know today if they were dropped off as she was in meetings all day yesterday. I wish I were more confident that he was telling me the truth. I went down and asked him "why" he told me that he took them to her if he hadn't, and he emphatically said that he did.

OK...so I'll just have to wait and see. He looked at me and said, "did you really think I was going to fight you for custody?" I guess I did. I guess because I would fight with my last breath to keep my kids, I thought he would.

Less than a week until moving day. I'm almost there, but it seems this week is doing it's best to put me through the paces. At least I have a pedicure and hair appointment to look forward to on Saturday morning.

I sent my bosses boss an email yesterday after the stressful day on Thursday, and asked him if I could visit with him for a few minutes. He told me to come down, so I shut the door, and looked him straight in the face, and said, "I don't know if you know what's going on with me, but here it is. This is why I'm so stressed, this is why I am having to make all my appointments at lunch, etc...I told him my job was an absolute priority, and that I wasn't trying to not do it."

"That I was working my hardest to make sure all my work was caught up."

I felt I needed to let him know after the snarky email on Thursday. I'm not sure it did any good, but I think it did, and at least I tried to communicate with him and let him know that I wasn't goofing off, I was just stressed out.

This weekend, I made the executive decision to just put my nose to the grindstone now, and not cause any waves at work. I can't be stressed this huge in two different places, and work is vital to me being able to take care of the kids. I'm a fighter by nature, but this time I decided to let it go, and take the high road for the moment.

So this is my update for the day. I never in a million years thought this would stress me like it has. I know throughout the last few years, I've been stressed, depressed, sad, in pain, but never like this. Never with this constant pit in my stomach. Hopefully it will stop once I move.

I still feel like I'm walking through a surreal cotton ball when I think of divorcing hubby, moving out of my house, being a single parent, etc...it doesn't feel real, and it makes me so sick to my stomach, it's hard to keep moving.

For as long and hard as I've worked for this, it's surprising just how much pain is involved here for me, and for all of us. Yesterday when I was talking to Hubby on the phone when in the morning, he kept saying this was "easy" for me.

He has no idea (of course he doesn't) I'm not sure why this should surprise me. He really has no idea about me at all anymore. He doesn't know who I am, or what I want, or what I need. He's so lost in his own drugged out haze, he can't comprehend this is just as hard, maybe for different reasons, for me and the kids as it is for him. He can't comprehend that his kids are hurting and he's hurting them even more.

I'm hoping once I move, I'll be able to sleep again. I just can't right now. I can't fall asleep and I wake up 2 hours earlier than normal. It's 6:30am now, and I've been up for two hours. I keep having to fake being asleep so Hubby won't figure it out when he is getting ready for work. God I will just be so glad when I don't have to "fake" anything anymore. Nothing. I can be me. I can do what I want. I won't have to consult him, or have him call me at 7:00pm and ask me "if I plan on coming home tonight" like he did last night. I told him I had stuff to do last night, and I still got the call at 7:00pm. I get off work at 5:00, so it's not like I had sooo much time do to what I needed to do. As soon as I got home, he ran for his stoner shack. I guess, at least he is trying to hold off until I get home. He's probably not going to be happy when I tell him I need to go work on Little Misses bed tonight. Oh well, I don't need to make him happy anymore.

Signing off,

Peace,

OC

I feel as if I'm going to throw up.

Hubby basically got nasty yesterday again. He went to look at a house, and was questioned on his income because "he is going to have to pay child support". He came home and ragged all over me, and said that if he "had" to pay child support, he'd "see me in court" for 50% custody. I won't let him have my babies, not using the way he is, so I'm gearing up for a huge ass fight.

I woke up this morning, and the phone book was open to the yellow page listings of "attorneys"...I'm not sure if he has the time to actually get in to see one, we will see. I just can't believe he'd use our kids as pawns..but it looks like he's sunk to a new low.

If that's the case, he's in for the fight of his life.

Peace,

OC

Packing

I'm packing. I hate packing.

I was sitting here completely stressed about hauling these huge boxes of stuff that I don't want anyone going through down and taking them myself to the new place...then I realized, packing them was sufficient. I can pack and stack and the movers can take them..why am I so stressed out? I'm finishing my CD's today...I'm going over to the new place later and washing cupboards and putting stuff away. I'm going to unbox my new Dyson! I'm going to start working on getting Little Misses new bed put together. Yeah Yeah Me.....Ok....that's my progress report for now!

Peace,

OC

Sad Hearts

I'm sitting on my love-seat, for possibly the last Sunday looking out at my view. It's all I can do to do this honestly.

Last night, I watched my kids run around the yard they have always known, playing with the neighbors they have always known, ride their toy quads all over the yard. Then Hubby got me a glass of wine and we watched the fireworks that he set off, that the neighbors set off. It was a warm, balmy MT night, and it made me so incredibly sad. Sad to be leaving this place, that I thought would be my home forever. Sad to be leaving Hubby. Sad to know that my kids wouldn't have this gigantic yard to run and play in.

Sad Sad Sad....does this always have to happen and make me question if I'm doing the right thing. Last night, I kept thinking, it's not too late to stop this. I could cancel the lease, I could return my purchases and I could stay here with Hubby in our yard, with our kids....of course I only pondered this in my head. I didn't say it aloud. I was afraid too. This week will be a test of courage for me for sure.

I had a perfectly horrid day at work on Friday as well. The kind of day where you don't get up from your desk because it's so so bad. Like I need bad work thing going on right now. So I made the decision to go to work this week, keep my nose to the grindstone, get my work done and not make any waves. I can't take two stressful things this huge going on at once.

It hurts me so bad, even though I know I'm doing the right thing.

Hubby helped me some at the new house yesterday, and I know it hurts him to just be in the place. I don't blame him. I really have no one to help me with anything right now though, so I was grateful to him for helping me.

I have only one week left in my house. One week. How is that possible??? I haven't started doing much either. I'm going to get up as soon as I get done with this and start packing some stuff to move over there today. I want to get all my personal stuff moved myself. I need to finish working on my CD's. I've been dumping the boxes and putting them in one of those organizing notebooks since I never play them anymore. Still I can't get rid of them. This seemed to be the best solution for many reasons...storage of them among the biggest. I've taken what would take me an entire media cabinet and parred it down to two notebooks.

OK folks, wish me luck!

Peace,

OC

Independance Day

This is for all of us out here, that are working on getting out of whatever bad place we are in. I have never been very patriotic, but Independence Day has a very strong meaning for me this year obviously. It doesn't matter if we are gay, straight, abused, not abused, verbally abused, not valued, etc....we all have our moments when we need to stand up and fight for ourselves.

Happy Independence Day Everyone!

I'm so excited. I got the keys yesterday, and my new home is even better than it looked when I went through it the first time. It's beautiful, the rooms are huge, spacious, and the layout is really nice. It will look so good with the new furniture I've bought.

Last night, I picked out and ordered a few art prints. I pretty much decided to stick with stuff I really love, so I got a few vintage looking prints of San Francisco. I've never been able to do this before, to pick out stuff I love, and sort of semi decorate a place I live. I think it's going to be amazing for me when I finally get everything put together, and can sit back and hang out.

Not much to say today, and I need to get up and get moving....

Peace,

OC

Keys

I get the keys today for my new home...I can't believe it. It's been a long time coming. I'm so excited, so so excited.

It finally is starting to feel a bit real.

I think the kids are having more of a hard time than I thought. They have both been climbing into bed with me every night, after I go to sleep. I wake up they are in bed with me like small puppies. This is way more normal for Small Son than for Little Miss. I don't have the heart to make them leave now though.

I discussed some tactics for when we move with my therapist last night. I think I'm going to make them pallets in my room that they can sleep on if they get scared in the new place, but I need to get them to stop climbing into bed with me every night. After they get used to the new place, I'll start working on getting them to actually sleep in their own bed, but I really feel that now they need to be by me at night, or they wouldn't be so clingy.

Oh well...time to get moving for the day....

Peace,

OC