Mar 18 2024
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JESUS

Alone with God…When You Are Never Alone

The discipline of imitating and abiding in Christ multiplies our little into much.

Main Scriptures: Mark 1:35; John 15:4; Mark 6:30-44

Hiding, behind a locked door, I dial the number… “Mom, you’re never going to believe what happened…” I roll into the long-winded story of the latest shenanigans of one of my children, unfolding the drama that is my life as a stay at home, homeschooling mother of five. This week’s story: potty training two kids at the same time, while attempting to make sourdough, (WHO DO I THINK I AM!?!) and begin a homeschool routine after a month off. I’ll spare you the details, though I can say we went through 7 pairs of underwear in 2 hours. I’ve become a poop expert, at this point I’m pretty sure I could qualify to become a doula and the strategies would transfer. Or maybe a cheerleader, “When I say push, you say poop, “Push!” “Poop!” “Push!” “Poop!” The stories are endless, the results the same, she laughs, I laugh – sometimes while simultaneously crying, she reminds me of the truth, often prays over me and sends me back into the ring that is the circus called my life. I exit my wasteland, my secret place (the bathroom) and I am greeted with the chaos that ensued at the result of my absence and never ever am I regretful of the time I took to retreat.

It is common for me to check in with her throughout the day, either through text or a follow up call to let her know how the rest of the day is going. Because we communed in the morning, she is on my mind, and her words often lift me up throughout the remaining parts of the day. I love my Mom, she delights in me and makes me feel seen, I love our friendship and I also realize not all mother daughter relationships are like ours, but it could be anyone really, a friend, a spouse, a sibling, no matter who it is – we all have that person we unpack with… But, what if it was God? What if we carved out that very first part of our day, before the crazy got going, and just talked with God, sat with Him, listened to Him, cried with Him if needed or I don’t know, maybe even laughed? How much more would He be on our minds during our days, would we talk to Him more in the hard parts of the day, share a giggle in the spontaneous joy, would we depend on Him to provide in our lack? How can we learn to commune and abide with Him in our hearts…even when we aren’t alone, cause let’s face it – motherhood is a lot of things, but rarely are we alone, lonely maybe, but not alone. (Even as I write this, behind what I thought was a locked door…I have been interrupted more than a dozen times by curious inquiries, demands of my attention, and a wide spectrum of emotions escaping out of mouths into constant sound.) Relationships take intentionality; so, how can we expect to be successful in the greatest call we’ve ever been given if we don’t carve out intentional time to be with the One who called us?

Have We Lost the Discipline of Imitation?

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my 2yr old watching me intently, I had put my sunglasses down on my chin for some reason and she had carefully placed hers in the same position. We both looked ridiculous, I started to laugh, then she laughed. Kids are masterful at imitating. However, not so funny is when I hear a harsh tone come out of one of my children’s mouths reflecting something they’ve heard me say in a moment of anger. How scary for us as parents, they are always watching – ready to practice what we practice. So what are we practicing?

I was sitting in a training for a homeschool writing class and the instructor was speaking on this very subject. He was suggesting that all the great writers started out with the discipline of imitating other great writers. He went on to say that we have lost this discipline and further lost this practice in our attempt to make everyone feel like their voice matters most, in the name of individuality we have sacrificed great writing. I felt the Holy Spirit so clearly prompt my heart to camp out on this basic truth – as it relates to us spiritually. Imitating Christ is a discipline, perhaps one we have lost in our culture of click bate and scrolling, consumed with “me-ism”, and comparison of the wrong things, desperate to be unique in a world that idolizes individuality.

So, I asked the Lord to show me where He wanted me to begin to imitate Him. He put His finger right on the one thing I hoped He would skip over, “Give me your sleep,” the thought dropped right smack dab in the middle of my heart. “Please Lord, not that one,” I pleaded.

I believe he wanted me to focus my attention here, because I had been in a very long season of lack. One of those very tangible lacks was lack of sleep, four years to be exact. Our now 5 year-old was diagnosed with Autism last year and along with that has come extreme sleep disturbances. His body just won’t let him sleep, and each evening as night fell, our hell began. Throw in a newborn in there as well, the adoption of our four kids, and answering the call to homeschool, I was in a perpetual state of what the experts call ‘Compassion Fatigue’ a term used to describe “the physical and mental exhaustion and emotional withdrawal experienced by those who care for sick or traumatized people” or simply put – pouring from an empty cup. I tried to convince myself my sleeping in was justified and even necessary. After all, how was I supposed to function without it? However, as the days turned into months, turned into years, I was quickly becoming a version of myself that I didn’t recognize or even like. I wonder if Jesus ever experienced this thing we now have a label for? I truly believe that in his humanity He did experience fatigue, however, I doubt He used it as an excuse to check out emotionally as I have habitually done. Scripture is pretty clear that often on His way to take His fatigue to the Father, He was interrupted with more opportunities to lean into compassion for the people that fatigued Him. He relied on His connection with His Father, which He had cultivated in the desolate places, to sustain Him and pour out of Him onto the people who so desperately sought Him.

Frequenting the Desolate Places

I decided if I was going to imitate Christ I needed to study His life more closely, so I went to the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). Through this process I was led to so many Scriptures that reveal how Jesus frequently (Greek meaning: to exist) went away to desolate, wastelands, to the wilderness to pray. According to the original Greek, His very existence encompassed getting alone to talk with His Father. The Bible says he would rise up early in the morning before anyone was awake and steal away to be with His Father, He invited his disciples to do this also, (Mark 1:35) and I knew this invitation was being extended to me as well. So, unenthusiastically, I gave Him the one thing I knew He had been asking of me for years, I trusted Him with my fatigue, gave Him my sleep and began to frequent the desolate places.

For me, this looked like intentionally setting an alarm, and while it was still dark, as Jesus would often do, rise up and go be with the Lord – alone. To spend time in the Scriptures, to pray, talk to Him as a friend or like I do my Mom most mornings and to give Him the very first part of my day. To trust that in this simple act of obedience, He would be my sustainment throughout the day, even if sleep evaded me. It was a journey to allow this first encounter each morning to tune my heart to Him and keep me in constant communication with Him throughout the day, not just in a one and done 15 min interaction, but to truly abide.

When Getting Alone Transforms into Abiding

Abide. To remain in. To stay. To wait. We can’t remain in what we have never committed to. Christ promises that if we remain in Him, he will remain in us. (John15:4) The command for us to abide is followed with a promise that He will also abide in us. When we do not make room for God and remain in Him each day, we forfeit this promise and with it the production of good fruit in our lives. How can we expect to show up in our calling as mothers to feed our children spiritually with good fruit if we sever ourselves from the source of it all, the vine, Christ Jesus? No wonder we lack and are fatigued – our fleshly efforts are futile! Yet, when we make time to get alone, we learn how to abide, and when we abide we get opportunities to see God take our lack and multiply it to feed the needy in exuberant abundance.

Loaves and Fish

Jesus and his disciples efforts to get alone were constantly being intercepted by people who needed Him. Sound familiar moms? How often do the needs of the little people in our lives interrupt our attempt to get alone? If you’re like me, sometimes you find yourself annoyed with the interruption, but most of the time, you have compassion. This is a characteristic of Jesus. We find the popular story of the feeding of the 5,000, with the 5 loaves and 2 fish, right on the heels of Jesus and His disciples trying to go away to the desolate place for some alone time. (Mark 6:30-44) But rather than leaning into that fatigue and ignoring their needs or being annoyed, the passage says He had compassion on them. He fed them, He healed them and He provided.

Sometimes, our attempts to get alone with God will be interrupted and we can either look at these interruptions as an annoyance – impeding on our time with God or an opportunity to remain with Him in compassion. Now, any good parent will stop what they are doing and feed and provide for their children. But what about their spiritual needs? We cannot expect to give out of abundance when our fruit is rotting and we are cut off from the vine. I don’t know about you but I’ve had some stinky, dried up, and shriveled fruit attracting the fruit flies in my life when I choose comfort and convenience over Christ. However, when we obediently practice abiding, we get to hand over our measly loaves and fish and watch Him multiply what we could never supply on our own. Jesus knew the importance of staying connected to His Father daily and how it was vital to his calling and ministry here on earth.

What if we took our cues from Christ and rose up when it is still dark outside? What if we took time to steal away often in quiet aloneness – to pray, listen, to seek and abide? Would our calling as mothers take on new meaning? What if we began to see it as it truly is – the greatest ministry we will ever be a part of. Would we find more contentment and joy in our daily routines – that outside of the vine feel mundane and burdensome? Would we see our relationships flourish and our countenance lifted as our hope is renewed in the only One who can multiply our little into much? This is what this discipline is teaching me, and the journey isn’t perfect but it’s a worthwhile one. The more I practice the easier it becomes to surrender and trust my lack into the hands of the One who can turn it into something capable of feeding others.

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Mar 22 2020
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life

Mustard Seed Miracle

For 10 years we prayed for you, tried for you, and wept at the thought of never knowing you. For 10 years we received promise after promise from God that one day we would hold you. And now miracle baby you can know without a shadow of a doubt that you were wanted, loved, and predestined to come into this world for such a time as this.

This is not the typical “We’re having a baby” announcement, but our story has never been typical…for those who want to know more, the journey is detailed below.

My Story:

Infertility is a painful road. This is an encouragement for all the invisible aching women. I see you. For every Mother’s Day that passes and your arms remain empty. For every test you throw away because there was only one line. For every long cycle that leaves you guessing if you’re actually pregnant or your body is just playing tricks on you again. For every pain from PCOS or endometriosis that robs you of your birthright as a woman. For every baby shower you attend with a forced smile. For every child you long to hold and snuggle but can’t. For every friendship that’s shifted because they have 3 kids now and you still have none. For every marriage relationship that’s strained because the pain is just too great. For every insensitive comment you endure because they don’t understand. For every day you puke for no reason, or bleed nonstop for months on end. For all the procedures and endless doctor’s appointments that yield bleak results. For all the things I never had to endure like infertility treatments, miscarriages and stillbirths. For every lie you believe that this is your fault. This story is for you. Because the strongest piece of encouragement I ever received in my journey was “If you can’t hope right now, I’ll stand in that gap and hope for you.”

So many times I was tempted to believe that it was my fault we couldn’t get pregnant. After all it was my body that seemed to be broken. But in 2016 I received what seemed like a random phone call from a dear lady who had heard from the Lord regarding me (she did not know the shame I had been wrestling with and had not spoken to me in years). She said, “The Lord wants you to know this is not your fault and He will heal you and set you free.”

Fast forward 1 year later in 2017 I was praying about our future children and family specifically asking the Lord for the desires of my heart and I heard a word I’d never heard before drop into my spirit, “Eliyanah” which later I looked up and it is Hebrew for “God has answered me”. I’ve cherished that moment for the last few years as it was such a personal gesture of love from my Lord.

9 months later in 2018 I was at Hillsong Color Conference and they were speaking on infertility. They shared that in the last year 256 miracle babies had been born since the previous year’s conference when women struggling with infertility had been specifically prayed over. The girl sitting in front of me approached me afterwards asking if I knew someone who was struggling with getting pregnant. When I told her my story she said relieved, “Oh good I heard from the Lord correctly – He wanted you to know this miracle is for you too.” She then told me her and her husband had tried for 9 years and ended up adopting from foster care and that she had just found out she was pregnant the previous weekend. She had been wearing a lightbulb necklace with a mustard seed in it for 9 years to remind her of Jesus’ words in Luke 17:6. She told me it was my turn to wear the necklace (the necklace I made from the lightbulb is pictured above)

Later that week I was prayed over by a dear friend and my mother. I received complete healing and deliverance from PCOS and Endometriosis – I know this because I felt an intense heat throughout my abdomen and reproductive system (The Holy Spirit is often described and associated with fire in the Bible) and for the last 2 years i have had normal cycles and no endo pain (I hadn’t had normal cycles for my entire life and had lived in excruciating pain for years from endo that resulted in 2 surgeries). God completely healed me that day. He had been faithful to pour hope into my barrenness throughout the entire 10 years of infertility – these are only a handful of moments out of countless where He would breathe life into my sails when I had sunk deep into despair.

Fast forward to December 2019. We now had 4 children in our home from foster care whose adoptions were just around the corner and SURPRISE! We were no longer trying and had tucked that promise from God up on a shelf where it was collecting dust. We never planned to have 5 children but God had other plans. We’re overwhelmed at his faithfulness.

For as long as I’ve struggled in this area I’ve always only wanted to do one thing, shout God’s glory from the mountain tops and proclaim His goodness and love through every ounce of suffering. Because y’all He is WORTHY! Even if I had never seen and experienced this miracle in my body He is still good and it’s way to easy to forget that. My only hope in sharing this journey in such detail is that it will encourage you to walk in faith, believe in miracles again – because I literally have one growing inside of me, and no matter your struggle don’t lose sight of hope because it is rooted in the Father’s love for you. YOU ARE LOVED BELOVED!!! Believe it, Rest in it, and Live it. (1 Peter 3:15, 1 Corinthians 13:13)

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Mar 13 2018
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journey

Behind the Mask

Masks.

I am very familiar with masks. I began wearing them at a very young age. I would do anything and everything to become what I thought people wanted me to be. If they wanted funny I gave them funny. If they wanted smart, I would give them smart. If they wanted perfect I practically killed myself trying to obtain perfection. If they wanted remorseful I would act sorry. If they wanted beautiful, I spent hours analyzing my looks and perfecting my image till I met the world’s standard of beautiful.

All this hiding led me to a very dark place where my masks replaced my identity. I didn’t even know who I was without them.

Since I was little I’ve had a love of performing. I lived for people’s praises and for their applause. At first it started out as make believe, Disney princesses and such, but gradually it became my oxygen rather than a little girl’s pastime. I needed it to breathe, to feel alive and to feel accepted, liked and at times even loved. But it was an empty love.

I craved becoming someone else and disappearing behind a character. In high school I started acting and writing dramas, writing stories of characters that I could step into and become rather than offer the world myself. I was way more comfortable hiding behind scripts, costumes and other people’s pain… mine was just too overwhelming to face.

Sometimes at night, when all the lights were out and it was safe, I would slip that mask off revealing my tears. I remember crying out to God to forgive me for all the things I thought he wanted me to be that I wasn’t. But just as quickly as I revealed myself, I would slip that mask back on, because I couldn’t stand who I was without it…I didn’t know that person beneath the fake smiles and sarcastic humor and the friendly face. Underneath it all I hated myself and lived under a constant tyranny of shame and self-condemnation. How could Jesus love me, if I didn’t even love me?

I used food to try and numb my pain and drown out all the negative voices in my head. It became my constant companion and comfort in times of sadness. I hid behind baggy clothes and heavy jackets (just a different kind of mask) and lived a not so secret life chained to addiction. This is a battle I’ve been fighting my whole life and to this day I struggle with these unhealthy patterns.

It wasn’t until about 6 years ago, that I was finally hit with this simple but incredibly profound truth.  God loves me. I grew up in church, I have known this since I was a little girl or did I know it? ‘Yea ok God loves me’, but I never understood how he could like me.

Did you know the word Beloved appears over 100 times in the Bible? And most of the time it’s referring to you and me, or God’s Son Jesus?  Webster defines Beloved as: Dearly loved. A much loved person. It’s described with words like, Darling. Dearest. Cherished. Treasured. Admired. Adored.

Romans 9:25 “As indeed he says in Hosea, “Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people’ and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’ “ ESV

Ephesians 1:4 “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” NLT

 God calls us by the same name as He calls His precious Son, Beloved. Understanding what that means, that we are God’s Beloved…His deeply loved daughters…it changes everything.

This truth is continuing to change my life. Every day I am learning to offer the same love and grace towards myself that my Heavenly Father does. Because if he likes me, if He loves me then it gives me the freedom to like me and I don’t have to hide anymore. You see my addiction to food has just been a symptom of a really deep pain. My sin was that I kept pursuing a false self, I was pursuing acceptance and the praises of men, and I was covering up and denying my true self, denying who God created me to be. He’s calling the little girl inside all of us to come out of hiding, just as he called Adam and Eve out of hiding after they ate the forbidden fruit. His love, which called us into existence, calls us to come out of shame and self-hatred.

He invites us to step into the warm light of his unbearable forgiveness, endless love and acceptance just as we are, messy, broken, undeserving; yet, beloved daughters of the King. 

So lay down your mask Beloved and be fully known, rest in the arms of the Father who loves you like crazy and calls you His own. He is waiting, hand extended – all you have to do is reach back. 

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Feb 07 2018
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life, questions

What If?

What if….?

This question has lead me back to the heartbeat of a ministry The Lord birthed in my heart over 13 years ago. It began as a drama ministry. I used to write monologue style dramas and perform them at Women’s Events and Student Venues. It was my attempt at 18 to pursue what has always been my passion, acting (I was good at playing a part, but never really tackled the role of being myself until I was much older), paired with a sincere desire to see women’s hearts open up to the unfathomable and unconditional love of God. To give them a safe place to process the deeper truths and application of God’s love into everyday life. I used storytelling to soften the soil of their heart in order for them to open up and give The Lord Soul Access. The only problem was, I hadn’t allowed God Soul Access to my heart yet. I was living in a world of perfectionism,  interchanging masks like a chameleon changes color.

So God had to strip it all away to finally allow the scared little girl to surface. It was a gentle yet brutal journey through the muck to lay down mask after mask and be known fully in my shame so that I could finally understand how deeply I was loved by my Heavenly Father in spite of my sin. Soul Access was a ministry birthed in my heart at the age of 17 for others, but really it was a profound call to lay down my mask and be known as His Beloved. Now 14 years later, it’s been bubbling up to the surface, as another call. A call to create a place where one can be known, and not judged, a place where one could be raw and not rejected, a place where iron sharpens iron and the truth will set us free. This place would be a place where questions can be posed and answers can be found and searched out together. It’s a place where as Jordan Lee Dooley says, “Your brokenness is welcome here.”

So in the spirit of “What if?” here are a few What If questions I’ve been thinking about and just want to throw out there for us to think on. Maybe there’s one of these that sticks out to you, share about it in the comments or maybe you have your own “What If?” to share.

What could it look like? What if?

What if we had a place where we could be vulnerable without judgement?

What if we could lay our masks down safely and be known – fully known?

What if we believed we were loved, just as we are, without feeling like we had to clean up and cover up first?

What if we all could open up our arms and say genuinely, “Your brokenness is welcome here.”

What if we could learn to be the light we are called to be?

What if we could stop worrying about what the world thinks of us?

What if we could take all that energy we spend on worrying and direct it towards prayer for others?

What if we could slow down long enough to really see and hear people?

What if we became better at listening then we are at talking?

What if we could be the change we want to see?

What if we actually opened up a real Bible and marked it up and read it and read it again and again and again?

What if we started seeing ourselves as God sees us? Dearly beloved sons and daughters, whom he cherishes, enjoys and delights in?

What if we could truly get a hold of that love and then spread it all around?

What if we actually believed we are under grace and it is that grace that allows us to grow through our shortcomings and sin and become a new creation through Christ Jesus?

What if we weren’t afraid any more?

What if we actually put on our armor everyday?

What if we actually lived like we were free?

What if we choose hard work and humility over pride and entitlement?

What if chose servanthood instead of self gratification?

What if we chose our marriages and our spouse over empty counterfeit pleasures?

What if we chose contentment in our season of unfulfilled dreams?

What if we chose purpose in our season of loneliness?

What if we chose laughter instead of offense?

What if we stopped chasing after materialism and entertainment and spent time chasing after the Lord and the ones he has placed in our path?

What if we actually lived as holy sons and daughters of the Most High God?

What if we get hurt by being vulnerable and transparent but we were vulnerable and transparent anyway?

What if we actually lived like we are forgiven?

What if we forgave ourselves?

What if we actually give God the trust He deserves?

What if we deeply believed without question that God is good?

What if we believed in God’s character as a loving Father?

What if we stopped believing the uninspired and predictable lies of the devil?

What if we believed the best of people and took them at their word?

What if we stopped assuming?

What if we became quick to forgive and slow to become angry?

What if we were able to be fully, deeply and solely satisfied in Him?

What would happen if we chose joy daily?

What would the world look like if we all gave people a little more soul access?

What if we surrendered completely and gave God complete soul access?

What if… we actually lived by the Spirit, maybe the world would be a much different place and our hearts would be a little more fully known and we could find our smiles a bit quicker. Maybe people would feel and know their worth in the midst of their brokenness – cause baby we are all broken and in need of fixin and only Jesus can do that.

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Mar 09 2016
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beauty, JESUS, life, parenting

The Secret to Being Sexy – A Response to video “Makeup Fake Sexy Body”

Today I participated in a typical pass time, an all to frequent one, the endless scroll through my Facebook feed. All together bored, and too complacent to do something meaningful, I looked to Facebook for entertainment. Next thing I know I’m watching this video titled, “Makeup Fake Sexy Body”.

I found myself sucked into the mastery of this makeup artist’s talent and the insanity of it all, along with millions of other viewers, who’ve liked, shared and commented on this heartbreaking reality. As I watched quite literally appalled, I became more and more heartbroken that this is what young girls and women are preoccupied with – creating illusions and buying into the lie that says, “This is sexy”. In it’s very own title it exposes the fact that it’s fake; therefore, it’s very intent is to deceive, it’s the deceiving of others but more importantly it’s the deceiving of self. In a world of everyday contouring, neck highlights, fake eyelashes and crop tops displaying fake abs, it’s easy to get lost in the world’s standard of beauty, because if Selena Gomez does it, then it must be sexy. Everywhere I look I see women hiding their true selves from the world, tucking their shame, insecurities and their authentic selves behind the masks they so desperately cling to. A flawless contour will never be able to cover up the condition of one’s soul and the more layers one applies, the more difficult it is to be known; which isn’t that every heart’s deepest desire – to be be known fully and to be loved in spite of it?

I haven’t been able to have children yet, but I think about my unborn babies all the time, I dream of who they will become and how I will help them discover their true selves. I think about my future daughter and how she’s going to be watching me, what will I be teaching her without realizing it? What will my son learn from me about true beauty and how to recognize it in his future spouse?

I was a child, my mom took her seat at the vanity to prep for her weekly date night with my dad, and I took my seat at her feet, watching her every move. She began applying her foundation, quickly blending her blush. That shimmery stuff she called eyeshadow I wasn’t supposed to touch went on next, and then came that black stuff in a tube they call mascara. Her mouth moved around in a funny way as she brushed that stuff on and then a nice shade of pink on the lips polished it all off. She frequently ended the ritual with a satisfied, “That’s good enough!” and in 10 minutes or less she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I remember thinking, ‘If only I could look like that when I grow up’.

Well, I’m all grown up now and have long since mastered the art of applying makeup. I love the stuff, it’s fun to play with and it’s extremely useful on those days where half an eyebrow is just not cutting it. Yet, every time I sit down to do my makeup, I’m often reminded of that little girl watching her mom and I now realize my mom was teaching me something much more valuable than where to apply blush. She taught me the secret to being sexy.

The secret lies in verses 3-5 of 1 Peter chapter 3. “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God…”

Here’s the deal, hair and makeup, clothes and jewelry, they are all super fun and completely ok. I love it all. Where I think we can struggle is when we become “concerned” as 1 Peter says, or preoccupied with them that we neglect what’s most important, which is our inner beauty. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Beauty Fades” but what doesn’t fade is the condition of our soul. That lives on, no matter what. In hindsight, it was the condition of my mom’s soul, the years she attended to her inner beauty that gave her the courage to approach each day with a, “Good enough” to the outside shell. And for the little girl watching, it is a great source of encouragement for when I face the mirror each day.

See I wasn’t just watching my mom put on her makeup.
I  watched her get up every morning and spend hours with the Lord in prayer and study Scripture.
I watched her commit to and care for her marriage.
I watched her sacrifice and pour herself out for her children.
I watched her love.
I watched her trust.
I watched her be brave.
I watched her mentor.
I watched her listen.
I watched her give.
I watched her laugh at herself and the days to come.
I watched her hurt and choose to let go of hate.
I watched her scared and choose to surrender fear.
I watched her choose joy.
I watched her care.
I watched her participate.
I watched her be passionate.
I watched her humility.
I watched her tired and choose to face each day anyway.
I watched her be broken and walk towards healing.
I watched her cry and choose to be vulnerable.
I watched her live.

And as I continue to watch my mom live her life surrendered, putting her trust in God, I have learned that the secret to being sexy isn’t in hiding, it’s in laying down your mask in utter confidence that you will be exposed and in doing so you will surely be known. And in that single act of bravery, daring to believe that you are loved just as you are by the God that sees you, the real you and says, “That’s my girl, I love you.”

And beloved isn’t that the greatest thing of all? To be be known fully and to be loved in spite of it?

So let’s embrace the idea of “Good Enough” and stop clinging to our brushes and contour kits; trading in fake sexy for true beauty. Confidently resting in the grace of the fact that we are loved by our Creator, because somewhere there is a little girl watching.

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Jan 13 2016
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family, JESUS, journey, life

29 Things My Life Has Taught Me

29.

29 years is how long I’ve now been on this earth and it is has been beautiful and brutal all at the same time – as Glennon Doyle Melton says, “It’s Brutiful”…

How do you sum up 29 years in a few paragraphs? You can’t really. So I’ve decided to make a list – a truth list of the 29 things that my brutiful life has taught me.

  1. My parents are a gift from God – not only did He use them to bring me into this world but His sovereign grace allowed me to be raised by two beautifully imperfect people who taught me how to love Jesus with all my heart, how to dream big – they always told me I could be anybody I wanted to be, and they showed me what it looks like to live a life of loving sacrifice and obedience to the Lord. They also taught me how to have a lot of fun!
  2. Honesty is truly the best policy – There is no other way to live. I love this quote by Mother Teresa, “Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” I’ve come to understand through my own journey that behind every mask is a beautiful wretched soul that is desperate to be known. Transparency is the key to our growth and healing and might even help someone else out along the way.
  3. Quality friendships are key – Life is way more fun with them and the bumpy, rocky, horrendous seasons require them.
  4. My mother was right – skin does lose it’s elasticity – seriously! Gravity is real!
  5. You will grow facial hair – the growth is insane!
  6. Tears are healthy – it’s extremely healthy – crying is like a shower for your soul.
  7. Laughter is life – find a reason to laugh multiple times a day it truly is the best medicine. I like to think it’s God’s love language.
  8. Marriage is hard and wonderful – Our fairytale ending can only be found in the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, no earthly relationship will fulfill our deepest desires to be known – they can only give us glimpses of the real deal – however hard marriage is, it’s so worth it.
  9. Short of sending His Son to die for me, my husband is one of God’s greatest love gifts to me  – Micah truly you are His tangible love and grace in my life.
  10. I will always be a Starbucks girl – it’s just the way it is – though, I now have a new appreciation for cold brew.
  11. Food and I will always have a complex relationship – I’m learning how to make it a healthy one, instead of a crippling one. But my weight does not and will never define me – I am the beloved daughter of the one true King – that is my identity, not a number on a scale.
  12. Sometimes you’ve got to put a little Mt. Dew in your wine – don’t worry it was white.
  13. Life sucks sometimes – live it anyway – there are things that happen in this life that I will never understand, but it’s not my job to understand, or even ask why – it’s to trust and ask “what?”
  14. I want kids and all that comes with it! – Never tell me, “Just wait till you have kids” – most hurtful phrase anyone could ever say to me. I have been waiting for 5 years – and I have counted all the costs, experienced all the loss, waited and tried, waited and tried again and still ache for babies of my own. One of my deepest struggles is to keep hoping and trusting. God knows what He is doing even if I don’t understand.
  15. Vacations are not a luxury they are a necessity – even if it’s camping – get away at least once a year, it’s so healthy and so worth it.
  16. Family is everything – don’t dismiss them, take extreme care with these relationships, sometimes friends can be family too, everyone’s picture is different but none the less handle with care.
  17. I will always be a “sweater” – Put me in a freezer, the desert is my personal hell
  18. School was worth it – so grateful for the grace to persevere through that challenge, it’s such an awesome accomplishment and it taught me to keep fighting, and never give up.
  19. You might experience balding – I have to admit this one knocked me on my ass and I’m still trying to get back up.
  20. Do the things that scare you – life is so much more fulfilling when you do things that require you to trust big.
  21. Bring beauty into your world whenever possible – a bouquet of flowers will go a long way to brightening up a gloomy day – here in Seattle we have plenty of those.
  22. Clinical depression is not a death sentence – don’t let it steal your purpose, your joy, your drive, your reason for existing. Fight and fight some more. Get out of bed, live on purpose, be about others – it’s the cure, take a shower, never give in to it’s grip and open up the blinds.
  23. Write – it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, the gift of self-reflection, go on a journey to get to know yourself better, it will help you get to know the Lord in a more intimate way and to be a more compassionate human being.
  24. Give what you have – it’s always more than enough, your time, your finances, yourself, your talents, give it all and watch what God does in and through you because He’s God.
  25. Forgive – It’s one of the most powerful forces on this earth. Receive it, give it and know it – God’s forgiveness of my sins is the reason I cannot, will not withhold forgiveness from anyone on this earth. I don’t deserve it, they don’t deserve it, no one deserves it, that’s what makes it so beautiful.
  26. My pets are my children – it’s ok if you don’t get it, I do. In the meantime #sorrynotsorry for all the Instagram pics of the fur babies.
  27. Sometimes you’ll get a bad haircut – it’s not the end of the world, really. Take a day to mourn and then get on with your life.
  28. Be present – in all things, in all conversations, in every moment. Put down the phone.
  29. I don’t know anything really – oh except that I will probably always struggle with spelling #thestruggleisreal oh… and I hate hashtags #butiusethemsarcastically
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May 10 2015
1 Comment
family, JESUS, journey

Fighting for the “Happy” in Happy Mother’s Day

Infertile Woman

Mother’s Day is always prefaced with the word, “Happy”… what a sweet word, what a sweet gesture, wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day is what is socially expected, it’s what should be done. It’s what I do, and I want to mean it, today I did, but only because I chose it.

I chose “Happy”… but not without a fight, not without shedding some tears. Sometime’s “Happy” has to be redefined, sometimes “Happy” is fought for.

For those fighting for “Happy” I felt compelled to let you know I “see” you.

I am you.

You are not alone.

And for those who have no idea what I am talking about… if you will, let me help you “see” it.

What about that mom that waited 42 weeks to see her unborn child’s sweet face, only to be told that her “Happy” will be holding his lifeless body in her arms for a few short hours before having to say goodbye?

What about that mom whose child ran away and her “Happy” would just be knowing they are alive somewhere and safe?

What about the children whose mom is riddled with Alzheimer’s and their “Happy” was having her recognize them for a fleeting moment before she slipped away again?

What about the children who ache for their mom because she was taken too early, what if their “Happy” is remembering the person she was?

What about the relationships that are estranged? What’s their “Happy”?

What about the women like me? The women that ache in silence, for fear of being pitied. The women who discreetly watch from a distance as all their friends bring new life into this world, while they are inwardly tormented by the fact that their body doesn’t work right. These women fight back tears as another Facebook friend posts an ultrasound picture, a Pinterest worthy announcement titled “we’re expecting”, growing tummies and shower invitations. Women who wait patiently every month, only to be overcome with grief each time they see one line instead of two. Women who beg to a merciful God to at least remove the desire so it will be more bearable.

Women who bravely navigate the questions, ‘So…when are you two going to start having kids?’ ‘Will we be expecting any grand babies soon?’ ‘Do you want children?’ ‘Wow you’ve been married 9 years? Isn’t it about time you start having kids?’ ‘Aren’t you just so happy for her?’

Women who constantly have to use self-control so they don’t slap people who are simply careless. ‘I hate kids, they are so annoying, I can’t stand them.’ ‘Just wait till you’re a mom.’ ‘You’ll understand once you have kids of your own.’ ‘You never know! You could be pregnant.’ ‘I never wanted this.’ ‘You don’t know how good you have it.’ ‘Just stop trying and it will happen.’

For as long as I can remember all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. I never knew how much heartache that desire would bring. For 5 years I have watched from a distance, I’ve felt bitterness, anger, despair, hopelessness, contempt, condemnation, fear, hatred, sorrow and indescribable pain.

But…

I have also felt deep joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and an immovable faith has been chiseled out of all that pain. Jesus has never once abandoned me and in all that waiting I have found him to be everything I need and have lacked in my own flesh.

My “Happy” is a choice. It’s choosing joy. It’s choosing to continue to hope. It’s pressing on even when I’m hurting. It’s finding purposeful things to do with my time. It’s looking for ways to bless and encourage others. It’s being present, even when I want to hide.

“Happy” comes when you start asking “What?” not “Why?”

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be a mom some day, it just might look a little different then what I had always pictured.

And in the meantime, I am fighting…

Fighting for “Happy”

So I can say this truthfully and genuinely, to all the Mothers in my life, Happy Mother’s Day. And to all my sisters whose arms are aching like mine, the most beautiful thing anyone ever said to me and I say it to you now, “If you can’t hope right now, I will hope for you.”

 

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Jan 24 2014
1 Comment
JESUS, journey, love

Who is Your Authority?

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment…Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good.” Romans 13:1-4

Authority.

When I hear that word, I squirm, it gives me a sense of uneasiness and I don’t immediately comply. Usually I expect people to prove they have authority over me and I only respect the leaders I think are worthy of such a title. I have struggled with this since I was very young. I’ve never cared much for the concept. I’ve worked hard in my life to get to a place where I didn’t have to work for anyone except myself, it’s one of the reasons, if not the main reason, I started my own business. ‘Don’t tell me what to do or how to do it!’ ‘Don’t tell me how to live my life!’ ‘You’re not the boss of me!’

Bad attitude? Of course. Do I care? Yes. Have I always cared? No. Am I working on it? Absolutely. Some would call it pride, I can’t say I disagree, pride is at the root of all sin, but I’ve come to realize for me it goes much deeper than just a simple label.

As a young person I struggled in the area of choices. I didn’t feel as though I had a right to make any, and when I did venture into the world of choosing I typically felt shut down or led to believe I couldn’t be trusted to make the right ones. Often control of anything, no matter how small felt beyond my reach, this led me into some very unhealthy habits (of which I will address at a later time). This distrust in myself grew and overtime, drove me to an unhealthy dependency on others. I needed others to make the important decisions in my life for me, because without their guidance I simply didn’t know how to function.

Over the last few years I have been learning how to step out and make my own decisions, learning to trust myself to make the right ones. I’ve taken back control over many areas of my life that were out of control or that I simply handed over for others to control for me. Now that I have a better sense of what is mine it’s now entirely possible for me to surrender myself to Christ. Where as before, I didn’t even know what to hand over to Him or how. Do I always do the right thing, absolutely not; however, Jesus is teaching me to trust Him and the more I lean in to hear His voice the better my choices become. I wish I had learned to depend on Him sooner but I am grateful for the lessons I have learned through the struggle.

Why was that all so important? I promise I have a point. Keep reading, or for those of you with authority issues like myself, don’t keep reading. So back to authority.

Because I have this unquenchable thirst to control everything in my life (yes, I’m still working on it) this whole issue of authority, especially an authority figure whom I absolutely hold no respect for, is a real struggle for me.

I have this teacher. He is absolutely ridiculously power hungry, every other word out of his mouth is an “F” word or some sort of obscene comment, he is completely abrasive, verbally abusive and he thinks it’s funny. If his choice of conduct wasn’t enough, his choice of lifestyle screams I want nothing to do with Jesus. He is very condescending towards anything that has to do with faith and he will not hesitate to tell you exactly what he thinks of your work and and it’s rarely good, unless you are a genius or just plain lucky, don’t expect a compliment.

This is where I find myself wrestling with scripture. “For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” Really? I mean really? What about that boss you can’t stand, or that supervisor know it all who is under your boss (they aren’t even really your boss!) or the president of the US…really God… Obama is from you? “For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.”

“Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.”

Ooooo, I don’t like that part. ‘But God there are so many reasons to resist.’ ‘They’re just simply wrong! Don’t you understand if I do what they say, I’m letting them win!’ ‘Don’t you say, you have plans to prosper me and not to harm me?!? This has to be hazardous to my health!’

“For he is God’s servant for your good.”

Now I know that this is a typo. ‘God, he doesn’t even serve you.’ ‘He doesn’t even like you! How can this all be for my good.’

There you go, an unedited version of the dialogue going through my head while I read this passage. Now for the version that has been sifted through His hands…based on the truth of scripture.

This teacher has been placed in authority over me. The Bible did not say I have to like it. I do have to respect it. I do have to trust that the Lord has a plan and lesson to teach me through it all. I do have to love him as Christ loved me. Perhaps he has been appointed as my teacher to drive me to depend more on Jesus who lives in me. Perhaps this teacher, is God’s servant (God can use whomever he wants to, in spite of their unbelief) to show me where I am still in need of refinement. Perhaps God is using this person to provide me with opportunities to be more grace filled and to exercise love and to offer compassion.

Behind this man’s cold, arrogant, harsh and angry eyes, I see something. It’s something that surrounds me every day, and it’s also something I often ignore because I simply don’t love enough, I don’t chose to notice.

It’s pain. Deep, unbearable, brokenness, anguish of the soul and down in there, deep in there, is a lost little boy who has been made fun of too often, led to believe he isn’t worth being loved, rejected and in his eagerness to please was either ignored or shut down. His only choice…to fight. If only he knew how the Father’s heart breaks for him. Jesus expand my capacity to love this man and show him you.

And maybe we are more alike than I care to admit. Striving to control anything and everything so we can bring order and predictability to our world. We never felt in control so now we are drunk on power. The only thing that separates us is I live under the authority of Jesus Christ and continually choose to surrender, His grace so mercifully covers me.

Who is my authority? Jesus. And I must obey him and love this man unconditionally.

Who is your authority? Who is it you need to choose to notice and choose to love?

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Jan 22 2014
1 Comment
JESUS, journey, writing

Why Does it Matter?

3am. Wide-awake, can’t sleep, something in me is fighting to get out. Words tumble around in my head like articles of clothing on spin cycle, too fast to keep track of, but one-word pushes it’s way to the surface…

Write.

“Why does it matter?” I argue with the thought.

I used to blog, I loved writing. I guess you could say it was a form of therapy for me, but to be honest I didn’t know what I was writing about, whom I was writing to, or why it even mattered, in fact I didn’t even know how to write the truth. That was 5 years ago. Of course I have written a few things here and there between now and then, but all those thoughts have been safely tucked away in my journal, entries of deep pain and emotional outpouring as the Lord drew me closer to Him.

Write.

“I don’t have time to write…why would it matter anyway?” Tossing left and right, I continue the one sided conversation with myself.

For 3 years now I have been in full time school, working anywhere from 2-3 jobs (which includes running my own business), volunteering at my church and attempting to balance my marriage, friendships, family and personal goals…like I said, attempting. Needless to say it has been a lot to manage. So when I say I don’t have time, I really don’t have time, I barely sleep as it is. Yet, why do I feel so compelled to make time?

Get up. Write.

“I’m tired, I can’t afford to lose sleep, besides, why does it matter? No one has time to take out of their busy schedules to read my 3am ramblings.” The argument continues.

For the last few years I have been on a journey of finding myself. For over half of my life I didn’t know who I was. I was a chameleon, camouflaging and disguising my true feelings beneath a counterfeit smile. So skillfully crafted at hiding, no one knew the turmoil raging within. I spent years creating the perfect exterior, rehearsing what I thought people wanted me to say or expected me to do, I lived in full on behavior modification mode. Yet, the hate I had for myself was so strong I couldn’t receive love from others or accept the unconditional love of Jesus because I didn’t understand how anyone could love the real me; that little girl hiding in the shadows, terrified she would be exposed as a fraud and all her ugly would be revealed.

Write.

“I’m not listening, I’m not listening, la la la la la la” At this point I know I’ll be getting up to write within the next 30 seconds.

The thing I’ve come to learn about God’s voice is 1. He never speaks when it’s convenient for you, 2. He whispers at just the right volume so you know it’s not your own voice, 3. He is extremely persistent, 4. When he says it 3 times or more, it’s important and you better listen, 5. You don’t argue with Him, you just obey.

Write.

“Ok, ok…I get it, you want me to write.” I’ve become accustomed to the Lord’s voice and I always regret when I choose to ignore Him. Of course He always seems to speak loudest at 3am.

So here I am writing. Why? I’m not sure, except that He asked me to, so I am obeying. I do know that God has called me to pour back out what He has so graciously poured into me, through His word and the tangible love of others. He invited that little girl in the shadows to step out into the light to dance freely and rest secure in His fatherly delight. I believe He is inviting you as well, to step out of the shadows, leave fear and doubt behind and rest in His unconditional love. Perhaps if you take my hand we can go on a journey together, seeking to stay in His light.

Write.

One thing I do know is that writing is a great tool that the Lord uses to shape us, mold us and grow us into His likeness. I am grateful to so many people who took the time, when they didn’t have it, to sit down and write the truth about what God was showing them, or share their struggles and pain along the journey. It is important that we all take time to encourage and uplift each other along the way and for me that is what starting this blog is all about. I don’t have the luxury to sit down with every person I care about and chat for 2 hours over coffee. However, I can take 2 hours out of my week and share here what God is teaching me, what kinds of things I’m learning and just simply share my heart with each and every person that comes across this blog. Perhaps along the way we can encourage one another, and be a little more intentionally connected than just slapping a quick “like” on a Facebook status update.

Write. Try it, it’s actually quite liberating.

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