TWICE

I’ve been going on dates for quite some time now. Never lead to anything serious which is quite sad.

Some of my friends told me how lucky I was to have experienced a wedding, marriage, and having a child to call my own.

Am I?

Just yesterday, I was married. We both had great careers and were getting ready to be parents. When I returned, both the companies we worked for took a nose dive.

And just like that, it was gone in a flash.

She left me.

Was it worth it? Was it worth the few happy years to be miserable for many more?

Being a single mom and dating is quite different from being a child support paying father and trying to do the same.

I’m automatically the bad guy.

If no one wants him, why should I date him? One girl told a mutual friend who tried to hook us up.

So people… be happy with where you are. I live vicariously through people’s happy couple posts. It makes me think I could’ve done things differently or… maybe if we never divorced, we’d be doing the same things as you guys are.

She turned 9 today.

Every birthday that passes, I’m reminded that I’m not there to witness her blow out the candles.

I sent her Takis and a windbreaker.

She can text now. It’s funny. I never thought I’d receive texts from my own daughter.

I really x 100 want her to grow up healthy, happy, loved, and tickled so much.

One day, baby.

One day 🙂

One thing I’ve noticed about successful people is that they admit when they are wrong and move on.

The ones I look up to anyways.

A lot of my coworkers and friends seriously wonder why I’m single.

Am I picky?

Am I not good enough?

Do I use jokes too often or not enough?

I’m going on date #3 this Saturday and she seems to be digging me. Special needs teacher and highly active in church. Plays music and can sing. Wow. Intimidating but I like it.

I think I’ve seriously pinpointed why I avoid relationships as much as I say I want to be in one.

The pain of breakup. The chest wrenching, can’t breath, throat hurts from feeling like there’s a piece of apple stuck there, to feeling like you’re just something cast aside.

I love hearing stories of how people met. How they’ve conquered the odds to be together. It gives me hope.

But that’s just it. Hope. It doesn’t give me insurance. It won’t prevent someone from leaving me again. Granted, I left the last one but a part of me did it because it felt like she was gonna leave me any second.

Fear of being strangers.

Maybe to many of you, this isn’t news. Many of you have been dating all your life. I was married most of my 20s. I don’t know what it’s like at all.

But this song pretty much sums up how I feel.

https://youtu.be/1Ofzhbvhh3U

Mimi wakes up in 5 hours to get ready to get on a plane by 10. Every time I go to bed, I’m only reminded of how many more restless nights I’ll spend until I get to see her again. I miss all her activities, accomplishments or lack of when she’s not here. When she is here, I do my best to hide it, but the closer it is to her return date, the more anguish i feel.

I wonder how she’ll be without my presence. I worry about her so much. It pains me to the point I don’t wish this on anyone else. How will she be?

Does she understand why I can’t buy her the things she wants?

Will she understand just how much my ex is taking from me?

Will she grow up and know really just how much I love her?

Today, my buddy invited me to six flags. I declined his offer after doing some cost analysis of the trip. I reluctantly had to explain to my baby why I couldn’t send her there or go with her. She said oh.. okay daddy. Could we at least go to a pool? I really want to swim with you.

If I could get an academy award for not crying in front of my daughter, that moment in my life would’ve been it.

Of course, baby. I’d love to. I want to.

I wanted to pour out my heart and tell her everything I wish I could do with her. How I dreamed to be the father she loved spending time with and how we could do all the cool activities together. I wanted to cook for her. Drive her to all the spots I’ve grown accustomed to eating in Ktown. Show her all the taco spots that I think are the best. Take her hiking and fishing all the time. Bowling with the bumpers up. Showing her how to ride a bike without the training wheels, roller blading, skate boarding, body boarding, karate, teach her how to do standup.

I dream about it all. But I couldn’t tell her any of this.

I smiled. Baby, daddy loves spending time with you. I love hearing your stories. Just regular activities of going to school. I know you think it’s boring… but I imagine being there with you.

I gently patted her on the head and sent her off to church.

A few minutes later, my friend called and said… he and his wife wanted to pay for our tickets so we could spend time together.

I had tears coming down my face.

I could describe the day… but it was heaven just to see her run and play. I thank God and my friend for allowing me to spend time with her…

Please. Don’t ever use your child to get back at your ex.

That’s so fucking petty. It’s so disgusting.

You really need help if that’s your way of thinking.

Please. Don’t hate daddy when you grow up.

Mimi came at the end of May and stayed with me for a whole month. We did a few fun things but she’s leaving in a couple of days. I asked her to sleep with her aunt tonight because I’m choking up already thinking about it. I don’t want her to see me this way. My boogerpie is gonna turn 9. My baby. Life is genuinely unfair. Unfortunately, daddy doesn’t know how to teach you to be an asshole and learn to slap life back. Don’t be like daddy. Be tougher. Be an asshole. That way, you’ll never experience the pains daddy has to feel when you’re not here.

She called me and her voice was trembling with fear and sadness.

She said “oppa, can you please come save me? I’m so scared”

That’s all an older brother needs to hear to get into super hero mode.

I explained to my employers that I need to take emergency leave. I flew out the next day on a red eye flight with two layovers to Florida. She greeted me at the terminal exit and smiled. She was trying desperately to be strong.

We took the ten freeway on a three days and two night trip back home to LA.

During the drive… she told me everything that was going on.

As her only brother… and her being my only sister, it filled me with such sadness that I couldn’t be there to protect my little sister. Granted we’re in our mid thirties already, I still can’t see her as anything but my younger sister who is now a woman.

Her stories made me choke up and I let my eyes water quite a few times.

When I got her back home… she slept. She slept like she never slept in a long time.

Yesterday, she thanked me and said if I had never come for her, she’d still be in that relationship.

Ladies, please, don’t justify any reason to stay with someone who doesn’t love you as much or more than you love them.

No one is going to change. That’s all Hollywood bullshit. You’re worth more than you think and you can escape. Don’t be another statistic. Please, reach out. There are so many who have been through it and made it out. You can, too!

I believe in you.

I love social media because I get to live vicariously through my friend’s window of their lives. Projected life, anyways.

What I love most is seeing their daughters growing up with them and they not taking any second of it for granted.

I got emotional over the weekend when I saw tons of girls running to their dads say I LOVE YOU DADDY. It made me wish I could see my daughter everyday.

This crushing feeling is so fucking horrible.

Oh man. This Sunday is week 8, unless I haven’t been keep track well.

My coworkers are saying I’m looking better. I feel like my stomach is still out a lot. Like a solid dad bod. My head and face still feel huge. Hrm.

The diet itself is manageable. I do still get stupid hungry but when I get to 11:30 or past it, the hunger seems to dissipate.

Been going twice to BJJ a week solid. Three if I feel super energetic or just wanna leave the house. Time for gossip.

So my friend wanted to confide in me about what’s been going on in her life from career, family, to baby daddy drama. I decided to take her to redondo beach because she has never been there. We talked for two hours before I drove her back home.

https://youtu.be/Ze2Rqa5wdSE

The ride back was cool. She was asking me what type of girls I liked. Duh. She knows. Then I asked if anyone from the church cell group was single. She said yeah and they’re cute!

HOOK ME UP!!!

No!!!

… omg. That’s so sad. If you asked me to hook you up I’d be glad to. I’d think no guy was good enough for you but if that’s what you want then I’d hook it up.

No …

Why!? Am I that big of a piece of shit? I have too much baggage?

eh… uh no… they’re young!

…

So I find it odd that girls will date guys 5-10 years older than them but when a guy is interested in those girls… that same crowd will say that the dude is too old.

… am I the only one finding that shit odd??

I need to check how long it’s been but I’ve been solid on my diet.

I haven’t lost as nearly much weight as I’d like to have but so far so good.

I’m getting compliments at work and at church for my weight loss. They all pint the biggest loss they noticed was my belly.

Yay!

A friend of mine told me I need to lose weight for me and not my imaginary future wifey.

Ah! I had dinner right before my time cut off today. First time I’ve had dinner like this in a long time. We had KBBQ and I got to eat so much meat.

My friends (they’re a married couple) told me I’m doing great with my diet. They’ve also encouraged me to buy a house. Sorry. Not happening. Not on my current salary and definitely not in LA

They did tell me they find it hard to believe I’m not, or haven’t been dating anyone since November of last year. I explained how genuinely, personality can only get you so far. If she’s not physically attracted to you, it’s not going to happen.

I felt definitely that my personality isn’t that great anyways. They keep saying how funny I am. So what? I find so many other people much funnier.

Here’s what I think and it’s what I’ve told them. I’m 36 now. I’ve been and will continue taking care of my mother. I hear women say all the time that they won’t date guys who treat their moms like shit. What they fail to mention is that they won’t date guys that take care of their mothers.

I can’t and won’t date a woman who sees my mother as a thorn in the way of her life. That’s toxic and exactly how my ex saw my mom. Not happening.

I will love and respect her family but no modern day woman will want a guy with my “baggage”

All in all… I know I’m “leftover”. I’d rather them stop telling me how good I am or lucky anyone would be to have me. It makes me feel like im dying and they’re trying to make it like my wish might come true.

I’ll just continue to lose weight, get better at BJJ, never stop doing intermediate fasting, and most importantly, be the best father I can be for my booger pie.

This picture is already over a month old now.

I’ve been getting a few compliments here and there about my weight loss.

Notably, my belly.

People are telling me just how much of it has gone away.

Now I get that the reason why most diets don’t work is because people can’t stick to them.

Find what works for you.

I weighed in at 184 this morning. I was stoked. Literally, haven’t change what I eat but how often I get to eat it.

Also only doing BJJ 2-3 times a week.

I’m happy.