Bounding Out on New Paths

In the Pasture

Mary Oliver

In the first day of snow, when the white curtain of winter began to stream down,

The house where I lived grew distant and at first it seemed imperative to hurry home.

But later, not much later, I began to see that soft snowbound house as I would always remember it,

And I would linger a long time in the pasture turning  circles, staring

At all the crisp, exciting, snow-filled roads that led away.

Memories are inconclusive. With each recall, our brains change the version of the previous until we cannot know for sure what happened.  We can only know how we interpret events of the past in the present moment.

Given this, it does seem as if we can change the past. For we have today to place a shroud of memory over our regrets, our misgivings, or our loss.  We can let go of the stories of disconnection or hyperindividualism and infuse our stories with the meaning of interdependence.

For instance, perhaps you recall a time when a friend said or did something that resulted in harm to you.  Each time you bring up that pain or discomfort from the past, you augment your judgment about the friend, yourself, or the human species as a whole.  You withdraw from that relationships or close your heart to them and to yourself.  It is like burrowing into a cold house where you wish for life to be different .  Looking out of the frosted windows of our heart, you spin fantasizes of how it should be. 

Today though let go of blame and instead see how you are the other person.  There is no wrongdoing or right doing from the perspective of the pasture, only a field where we see the beauty that is the world, is also each of us.  We each choose strategies to meet the same beautiful needs of love, connection, and community. Some of these strategies are more skillful and produce more benefits than harm. Other strategies are disasters.  Regardless, beauty dwells in each of us and motivates our actions.

With this in mind, we open up new possibilities of choices in our relationships. Perhaps you will choose to call your friend, or to be at peace with what happened.  We are neither victim nor evil perpetrator. We are each other and this beautiful world, and we can choose how to act from this day forward. We may take roads that  lead away from memories that bind us.

When have you seen a memory change over time?  Has this served you well?

Now Is The Time

I stopped the car and ran back and across the road

and picked up the box turtle, who only

hissed and withdrew herself into her pretty shell.

Well, goodness, it was early in the morning, not too much traffic.

Rather an adventure than a risk, and anyway

who would give aid to such a shy citizen?

Who wouldn't complete the journey for it, taking it of course

in the direction of its desire: a pinewoods

where, as I learned, the blueberries ripen early.

Probably she had thought, in the middle of the night-

Ah, it's time.

Sometimes I think our own lives are watched over like that.

Out of the mystery of the hours and the days

Something says-Let's give this one a little trial.

Let's say, put a turtle in the road she's traveling on, and

in a hurry.

Let's see how her life is measuring up, that lucky girl.

So much happiness, so much good fortune. Ah, it's time.

The Measure - by Mary Oliver

Not even a month ago coming back from a day swimming in the springs on my birthday my spouse and I moved a large female gopher tortoise from the middle of the road. We took a little risk to scamper quickly to save such a precious life along a fast paced road. That same month we moved a box turtle as well into safety. Yet, in our own yard, a small girl tortoise I found dead, smashed by an exiting car in our own driveway. We live at the end of a dirt road in the woods, and it seemed such a rare thing that tortoise just happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. She was not as lucky as the other two.

Maybe that's why we humans stay within our shells and do not travel about or journey from our sameness and tameness into wild sacredness. In the night a dream comes to us and with the sun's rising we feel perky with possibility. Then what happens?Somewhere along the line we falsely intuit that we don't measure up, or other's don't, or reality doesn't. Don't you think that it's time to cross that road and get into that field beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing?

Now is the time to know

That all that you do is sacred.

Now is the time to understand

That all your ideas of right and wrong

Were just a child's training wheels

To be laid aside

When you finally live

With veracity

And love.

Now is the time for the world to know

That every thought and action is sacred.

This is the time for you to compute the impossibility

That there is anything

But Grace.

Now is the season to know

That everything you do

Is sacred.

-Hafiz, A Sufi Poet

What might you do or where might you go if you knew that everything you do is sacred?

Holding Bejamin - Holding Each Other

Holding Benjamin

A Poem By Mary Oliver

August 2, 2010

No use to tell him that he

And the raccoon are brothers.

You have your soft ideas about nature,

He has others,

And they are full of his

White teeth

And lip that curls, sometimes,

Horribly.

You love this earnest dog,

But also you admire the raccoon

And Lord help you in your place

Of hope and improbables.

To the black-masked gray one:

Run! You say Run!

You say and just as urgently, to the dog:

Stay!

And he won’t or he will,

Depending on more things than I could name.

He’s sure he’s right

And you, so tangled in your mind,

Are wrong,

Though patient and pacific.

And you are downcast.

And it’s his eyes, not yours,

That are clear and bright.

I once read an article about the violence between siblings. Brothers can pound horribly on one another – it is their way. So when I think of the raccoon and dog as brothers, and also caught in a terrible predator – prey cycle, I think of course, it is their way. Then I think of the human companion who feels the suffering of the one, and the responsibility of the other, and ultimately shame and guilt plays tag with acceptance for what is our way – to be complex social creatures who navigate in confusion the harm that we interconnected siblings inflict upon one another. We want there to be a right way and because we cannot discern how to meet everyone’s needs, we feel inadequate. What if we could move beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing as Rumi suggests in his poem?

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,

There is a field.

I will meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn’t make sense.

We could lie down in that field and play, and as we rubbed our noses in the fresh dirt and smelled the flowers, our hands would linger upon a half-buried bone, a sign of the carnage of our past and of our future. My prayer is that we do not run from that field, but stay engaged with reality and one another – no wrong doing, no right doing, but sure as heck a lot of pain and discomfort. My eyes are bright with living this possibility well, of helping each other hold awareness and acceptance of not a soft nature, but of a terribly beautiful whole and hard nature.

Do you think that predation and prey is an inevitable cycle in our lives; or, can we use our evolution possibility to support collaboration even more than competition?

Galarragoed

Less than two weeks ago there was quite the news about an umpire, Jim Joyce, who made a "wrong" call and cost a baseball pitcher, Armando Galarrago, his perfect game (http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20100602&content_id=10727590).

The following day the same umpire who had made the "bad" call came onto the field with tears in his eyes. What brings tears to my eyes is the genuine compassion and sense of fair play of the Detroit fans. They seemed to come to a collective empathetic state by knowing what Joyce must be feeling - they gave him a standing ovation. An event that could have unfolded in recriminations and blame that represent the worst in our species, turned into something that heralds the best in us.

Charles Krauthammer noted that Galarrago will now be a more memorable figure in baseball than if he'd been fairly granted his perfect game by Joyce's correct call at first base. He speculates that a new verb has been created for when one has been extraordinarily screwed: He's been Galarragoed. Maybe instead we will use this verb to mean when we have realized what's really important in life, even more important than pitching a perfect game. (thanks to Gary Schouborg for your thinking and writing on this topic). There is much grace that can come to us and the world when we connect to our needs and values, even when we don't get what we originally set out to get.

May you be Galarragoed today.

Peeling with Feeling

Satyagraha means ‘holding to the truth in every situation’. This is ahimsa (nonviolence), which is more than just the absence of violence; it is intense love.

(Gandhi the Man p. 53)

I don't know about you, but it sure seems hard to hold to the truth in every situation. It seems my monkey mind wants to blame what his happening around me on the banana peel that "someone else carelessly left lying around." Let's say I did slip on that peel and landed on my back side. I get up cursing slobs, litterbugs, and perhaps even myself for not seeing that very clear and obvious yellow object in my path. Once I'm up, and have dusted myself off (after looking around to make sure no one saw me take the fall), I might then began to wonder about that peel as I peel away the layers of what could have happened. Maybe a family unit of gorillas, escaped from the zoo and on their way back to their mountains in Rwanda passed this way giggling and laughing at their new found freedom. Maybe the peel fell from the skies, caught up in a water spout hundreds of miles away, only to land near me so that I could wonder at weather patterns and the miracles of wind and water. Perhaps a person finished eating a banana and meant to put the peel in their back pack, but were so preoccupied with a recent diagnosis of cancer, they just missed the opening completely. As I put myself in the paws and feet of others, I bend over to pick up the peel, smiling, loving gorilla, genocide torn Rwanda, storms, my fellow human, and myself as I do one small thing to heal myself and the world.

What is one small thing you can do today to nourish your spirit, to heal the world?

And Also

Open Heart

A few nights back I had a dream where "the answer" to life and the complexity of our days was "and also." It was a phrase to be uttered whenever I had a thought, or a judgment of a situation. By saying "and also" I cued myself to keep opening up to possibility and to what was going on in me and others. To say these words was to keep the heart open to what might be the deeper truth of my days - that all beings have inherent worth and dignity and that every moment is rich with the possibility of understanding and interconnection.

For instance, I might think, I am tired and don't want to work on this project.

And also...

I enjoy this project I am doing and the people who will be there.

And also...

My body is telling me I am sleepy and it would be good to take a nap

And also...

Wow, a nap in the sun would be so nice right now.

And also...

Gosh, the sun and sky are so beautiful today after all the rain.

And also...

It is good to be alive this day and to slow down to see the beauty before me.

What do you do to keep your heart open to possibility and connection?

If I Were Abby

I ponder what an advice column would look like in Compassionate Communication terms. I long for empathy free of judgments in such columns, for my dream of the beloved earth is that all beings have inherent worth and dignity, and recognition of their beauty calls us to find a way to stay in relationship with them, or with life affirming needs that our judgments illicit. To satisfy my need for connecting to such a dream, and for fun, I played around with how I would respond to the letter below if I were Abby.

Original Response from Abby:

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

My Response:

Dear Janet: I see that you are longing for connection with both your birth and adoptive mother, and that you are seeking meaning in your life and belonging. Is that right? The recent events have probably stimulated feelings of sadness, despair, and I suspect anger as well. Would you be willing for me to respond to your letter in terms of nonviolent communication? If so, read on (and you too dear readers!)

When I am in situations where I am severely disappointed with the actions of others I seek as much self empathy as I can muster. This helps me open my heart not only to them, but to myself and to all of life. In this way I move from thinking my feelings are ridiculous or my needs unimportant to full acceptance of who I am. In this way I can empathize with others. I then imagine myself as the other person. In your case, what might be going on for your adoptive mother? Does she feel disappointment and shame over her parenting skills, and loss and sadness of how she was parented by her own parents? Does she experience fear that she will lose you, or that her efforts of parenting are not appreciated? What you are trying to do is move from considering that your mother has personality flaws or to label her actions as cruel. Your goal is to be see her as a beautiful, whole being who if you can communicate this to her, might just open up to hearing your needs, and in this way your relationship can shift, heal, and even flourish.

I wonder what comes up for you readers when you hear my perspective on this? Are you curious about learning more? If so, visit my website where you can comment and learn more about life giving communication that will nurture your spirit and help heal your world:

Original Column:

DAUGHTER IS CRUSHED BY LOSS OF HER BIRTH MOM'S LETTERS

DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it.

Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again.

Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom.

Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now. --- JANET IN TEXAS

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

Pearls of Peace

On this day 68 years ago, Japanese fighter planes and bombers attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. It struck hard at the emotional core of many people, whose wounds still are with us today. How difficult it must have been for these survivors to come to terms with the "enemy" that killed their own. So great is the pain, surely someone must be to blame for the loss and sorrow in our lives. I don't doubt that people's actions and strategies do result in grievous harm, however, when we diminish our ability to empathize and have compassion for others, we have moved them from having inherent worth and dignity to being the different "other" that deserves what they get, and all that we can give them. The end result is that we pass on to others and to future generations this concept of enemy and people who "deserve" less than we do.

Whenever I diminish the worth of others in my thinking I pause to wonder what needs of mine am I not recognizing that I put the responsibility onto others? What needs unmet have I yet to mourn, or needs met I have yet to celebrate? If I perceive an enemy, a foe, or have a judgment against someone, it is a great opportunity for me to lift up my values, needs, and dreams. In this way I renew my spirit in our common humanity, and in this way can engage in difficult relationships and struggles against oppression and injustice with even a sense of gratitude for my enemies. For they tell me what is mine to hold dear.

I recall a quote from the 1985 movie "Enemy Mine:"

Davidge: "If one receives evil from another, let one not do evil in return. Rather, let him extend love to the enemy, that love might unite them." I've heard all this before... in the human Taalmaan.
Jerry: Of course you have. Truth is truth.

What a pearl of wisdom - enemies are not mine to keep apart and wreck revenge upon, but to grow my love so that we may yet be united.

(From the movie "Enemy Mine")