Loving the Complaint and the Demand

Percy Wakes Me

Mary Oliver

Percy wakes me and I am not ready...

Now he's eager for action:  a walk, then breakfast....

He is sitting on the kitchen counter where he is not supposed to be.

How wonderful you are, I say. How clever, if you needed me, to wake me.

He thought he would hear a lecture and deeply  his eyes begin to shine.

He tumbles onto the couch for more compliments.

He squirms and squeals; he has done something that he needed and now he hears that it's okay.

I scratch his ears, I turn him over and touch him everywhere.  He is

wild with the okayness of it.  Then we walk, then he gas has breakfast, and he is happy.

This is a poem about Percy.

This is a poem about more than Percy.

Think about it.

In my spiritual practice of nonviolent communication I often struggle with accepting with ease the complaints of others.  When I first hear what they want, often expressed as a demand, or worse, as whining, I don't have much empathy for others or for myself.  It's also hard for me to get in touch with my gratitude that they let me know what was going on for them, for I know that when someone asks something of me, often in a an unskillful way, they are just letting me know what would make their life wonderful.  This is such a great gift, but so frequently I am reluctant to open the gift to appreciate how life flows through them.  Instead I have "shoulds" going on in my story telling brain, "Why can't they think of anyone else but themselves?" 

Reading this poem today, I sense a break through, a vision.  People around me are like bounding Percies, inviting me to make their life wonderful.  How lovely for them, and for me, if I could reply in word, thought, and action so that they could know how wonderful they are and the okayness of their needs.

Oh how our lives might shine.  Though we may not be ready, may we awake to this possibility today.

To whom would you like to communicate "okayness?"

There is More Love

Recently I attended a retreat of Unitarian Universalists of Mississippi. We were speaking of the joys and sorrows in our lives as a theme for the weekend. Out of sharing of stories and experiences we discovered a trend. The source of our pain is also the source of our joy. For instance, if we are feeling disconnected in relationships, it is because we long for connection. Our feelings of sorrow or discomfort aren't the fault of someone else, the society, or our species. We are responsible for our own feelings, which tell us what our deep longings are. Other examples include the loss of a relationship or someone who has died. We ache for love and intimacy.

So how do we "fix" our longings? If we long for love, and there isn't enough of it and we feel lonely or sad, then, quite simply, the "fix" is more love. We can't control the behavior of another, but each of us, even just for one second or one breath, can get in touch with our deepest longings of love, for example, and bring more love into the world by shifting from blame of others or ourselves into just being love and thinking love. As the hymn goes, there is more love, somewhere, and it is inside each of us.

So, here's the fix, simple in concept, but difficult to follow through on.. Thank goodness we have one another for support and to practice.

1. What are you feeling now.

2. Identify what you long for.

3. Breathe in and connect to this longing without judgment of others or yourself.

4. Find a way to bring about what you long for in yourself and in your relationships.

Empathy for Big Oil

Do you find yourselves these days struggling to find empathy for those working with the oil industry? I say "those" as it doesn't make sense to empathize with an institution such as "big oil" or the "oil industry" or the "US government." If we bring the frame a reference down to an individual, and not some conspiracy plot or organizational indifference or even purposeful neglect, where do you find your empathy level for others that were in the chain of cause and effect for the gulf oil spill? Perhaps you choose to not have empathy for others. I work on this because out of empathy and an open heart, amazing choices come before me that allow me to give and receive life giving actions.

First I ask, who is impacted and how? It is helpful to be as specific as possible as to individuals and to their needs. I believe the first step is begin with one's self. If we can't find a way to meet our own needs for empathy or to connect with other needs, it is not likely that we can mourn in the ways that are most beneficial, and then to have empathy for others.

What needs come up for you in terms of the oil spill? Beauty? Health? Biodiversity? Protection? Take time to connect to these needs before going on to any others.

Who else?

Birds - which species? So far impacted are pelicans, gannets, terns. Others? What are their needs? Health, food, reproduction, water, protection?

Reptiles - sea turtles

Mammals - dolphins, whales

Fish

Invertebrates

Plants

Oil spill cleanup and rescue crews. What are their needs?

Fisherpeople

Tourist industry workers

Tourists

Homeowners

Real estate workers

BP oil rig workers and the family members of those who died or were injured

BP managers and executives

Government employees in regulation industry

Government representatives

President Obama

Who else?

Now, having gone through this exercise, do you have any requests of yourself or others?

For me, during this exercise I came up with a request that didn't exist before. For our congregation's upcoming Animal Blessing Service on June 6th, I will devote part of the service to the oil spill.

What is yours to do?

I Want Both of Us

I Want Both of Us
Hafiz

I want both of us
To start talking about this great love

As if you, I, and the Sun were all married
And living in a tiny room,
Helping each other to cook,
Do the wash,
Weave and sew,
Care for our beautiful
Animals.

We all leave each morning
To labor on the earth’s field.
No one doesn’t lift a great pack.

I want both of us to start singing like two
Traveling minstrels
About this extraordinary existence
We share,

As if
You, I, and God were all married

And living in
A tiny
Room.

In Compassionate Communication, this heart-warming poem is a wish, desire, or longing and may invite empathy and dialog. For me it is a profound invitation to engage with the wonder and awe of life, and extend as much kindness as I can out towards others because we are all so precious and all struggling so. There is a difference, however, between this poem’s wishful qualities and a specific request. A specific request goes like this: would you be willing to tell me what comes up for you when you read this poem and read my words of reflection? I may want both of us to live a life based on love, but until I ask with concrete, doable, in-the-moment possibilities, I have not made a request.

In your day-to-day life, what would a request look like that asks someone else to talk with you about a great love?

Faith Without Works

I heard a sermon from Unitarian Univeralist minister Rev. Christine Robinson today as a podcast and was struck by something she said – “faith without works dies” (http://65.38.180.232/blogs/index.php?blog=7&m=200904, April 6, 2009 sermon ). By this she means that if we don’t act on that in which we put faith, the bedrock of meaning and hope in our lives will dwindle away. I wonder what you have faith in? Perhaps it is that we are here to serve? Maybe you feel that love is the highest aspiration of human relationships and endeavors? You might also say that you have faith in God, Unitarian Universalism, human possibility, or Compassionate Communication. In any of these value rich professions of faith, what actions live out the deep core of your being? What is the dream of living in this world, and how can you help make it so?

Perhaps you are unsure how to have faith, for love seems so far away or hard to do. Serving others doesn’t seem to make any difference. Maybe God, your congregation, people you know, or the 4 steps of Nonviolent Communication have failed you. How can one have faith in one’s deepest longings and dreams when it just doesn’t work out the way you want it to, or need it to?

Here’s the paradox for me. Faith isn’t to “work out” or “produce results.” But resting in faith, connecting to that divine energy of belonging and being beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing, can nourish you to do work based on this faith without being attached to outcomes. In this way your faith can grow as you cocreate with life around you. By resting in our faith, we can feel how life’s call is a clear bell sounding full of promise, an invitation to joy, and in the parlance of nonviolent communication, the bittersweet a request that may or may not produce results.

I sometimes find myself feeling overwhelmed thinking of the heart and body ache in this world. I can either work too hard to try to save the world and wear myself out, or not even want to venture out of the house because the “to do” list is too long, too demanding, “too important.” If I rest for just a few minutes, as I am doing now, letting my feelings of sadness or despair connect me to my needs, values, and longings, I find my spirits uplifted and prepared now to put myself out there into the world, working to build upon my faith, and maybe, just maybe, to build the beloved community.

In faith,

LoraKim