This is unheard of for me: all Christmas shopping is for the most part done. Early. I began crocheting gifts this summer, which turned out to be a great money saver since I had so much time. Yay me! Hubby already got his crocheted gifts and I wrapped the winter necessities he requested. Anything else not having to do with the new baby and LR, especially after the 18th, will cease to matter.
Yes, the c-section is scheduled for the 18th! May the panic commence at any time.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
37
Middle of the night ramblings at 37 weeks along...
The ability to sleep is gone.
I was eyeing the bottle of melatonin at the drugstore today.
The tree lighting at the park was well attended despite the on and off rain.
My aunt V died today. Her husband died in June, so my cousins lost both parents. Very sad especially so near the holidays.
I hope our baby isn't next.
Hubby and I had a brief baby moon in Half Moon Bay. We stayed at a 110 year old inn in a newly remodeled room, listening to the rain, feeling the wind shake the building, and getting reacquainted with each other. Wink wink.
Cerclage removal went well last Monday. If you've never had the pleasure of getting a cerclage placed, much less removed, let me just say that removal hurts like a motherfucker. No anesthesia. The most gigantic speculum is used first, then a whole lot of digging ensues while the doc talks herself through it: "the key is exposure [of the stitch]...". If you're lucky like me, your doc can remove both stitches at once. Otherwise, brace yourself for more digging. The pain is intense for literally a few seconds, then it's over.
Doc checked my cervix immediately afterward and I was 2 cm dialated.
After the appointment I treated myself to an entire huge blueberry croissant, dammit.
My belly looks like a watermelon on its side.
I can't get a comfortable sleeping position despite numerous strategically placed pillows. I'm trying a reclining position now.
Going out clothes involves at least one pair of sweats. Dressed up with knee boots. Hot!
I wish I could crochet in the dark. LR sleeps with me and he probably wouldn't wake up. Tonight he woke himself up to go potty. Not without tears, being so tired, but he was a trooper. Gave him lots of hugs and praise. I love my boy so much!
Have to mention that my perinatologist was awesome. Is awesome. I don't need to see her anymore, her part is done. Her staff was great, she herself was so positive and upbeat.
My OB is great too, although I've only seen him three times. The other appointments have been with the physician assistant. Did I mention that he offered to tie my tubes after the c-section? God forbid something should happen to our kids and I tie my tubes. Given our family history I'll keep my tubes untied thankyouverymuch.
The ability to sleep is gone.
I was eyeing the bottle of melatonin at the drugstore today.
The tree lighting at the park was well attended despite the on and off rain.
My aunt V died today. Her husband died in June, so my cousins lost both parents. Very sad especially so near the holidays.
I hope our baby isn't next.
Hubby and I had a brief baby moon in Half Moon Bay. We stayed at a 110 year old inn in a newly remodeled room, listening to the rain, feeling the wind shake the building, and getting reacquainted with each other. Wink wink.
Cerclage removal went well last Monday. If you've never had the pleasure of getting a cerclage placed, much less removed, let me just say that removal hurts like a motherfucker. No anesthesia. The most gigantic speculum is used first, then a whole lot of digging ensues while the doc talks herself through it: "the key is exposure [of the stitch]...". If you're lucky like me, your doc can remove both stitches at once. Otherwise, brace yourself for more digging. The pain is intense for literally a few seconds, then it's over.
Doc checked my cervix immediately afterward and I was 2 cm dialated.
After the appointment I treated myself to an entire huge blueberry croissant, dammit.
My belly looks like a watermelon on its side.
I can't get a comfortable sleeping position despite numerous strategically placed pillows. I'm trying a reclining position now.
Going out clothes involves at least one pair of sweats. Dressed up with knee boots. Hot!
I wish I could crochet in the dark. LR sleeps with me and he probably wouldn't wake up. Tonight he woke himself up to go potty. Not without tears, being so tired, but he was a trooper. Gave him lots of hugs and praise. I love my boy so much!
Have to mention that my perinatologist was awesome. Is awesome. I don't need to see her anymore, her part is done. Her staff was great, she herself was so positive and upbeat.
My OB is great too, although I've only seen him three times. The other appointments have been with the physician assistant. Did I mention that he offered to tie my tubes after the c-section? God forbid something should happen to our kids and I tie my tubes. Given our family history I'll keep my tubes untied thankyouverymuch.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Six
Happy Birthday to our girls Cerina and Nadia, who would have turned six today.
We can't believe we are still surviving without you.
Love,
Mama, Papa and LR
We can't believe we are still surviving without you.
Love,
Mama, Papa and LR
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Completed
Like a school semester, I am done with bedrest. Only I remember a semester being 15 weeks, and bedrest was 34 weeks minus 13 equals 21 weeks. I had grand plans for bedrest: learn a new language; learn to play the guitar; pick up yoga again (not); learn a new a hobby. I did the last one, thanks to YouTube. I learned to crochet!
This is a big deal. Crochet seemed to be the only thing that would relax me, that I could do for hours on end, that didn't make me tired, and I could catch up on tv shows (distracting) or listen to music (easier). I spent the whole summer making fingerless gloves for my girlfriends, scarves, hats, coasters, washcloths, neck warmers, and a bunch of granny square coasters for my baby shower that my two awesome friends hosted.
I'm still very much a beginner, and I can't decipher crochet patterns worth a damn. This is so much fun, and my son has learned the difference between knitting (2 sticks) and crocheting (1 stick), and he knows that Mama crochets. Funny: my husband bought me a knitting magazine (mistake) for my birthday, and every chance he gets, he gives it to our son to "give to Mama." I grin and roll my eyes every time but tell him thank you and give him a big hug and kiss.
Unfortunately, being on bedrest has again made me a hermit. I have a bunch of cousins in the area, but the only one who is close to my age we don't have much in common except for having kids and moms who are sisters. Maybe a part of us won't open up for whatever reason. My other friends live an hour or more away, and they have kids of their own. I've tried mom's groups but didn't connect with anyone. Granted I didn't give it enough time, but I didn't have much in common with 20-somethings who did not have the unfortunate experience of losing a child.
Excuses, excuses. As I get older it is harder to make friends, so extra effort is needed. I get it.
Other things of note: I am 35 weeks tomorrow! Only two more progesterone shots! Cerclage removal on the 26th, at 36 weeks 1 day! We are looking at 12/18 for the planned c-section! I am excited for her arrival but not looking forward to being sleepless for the next year!
All this blogging is keeping me from finishing my crochet project. I don't have much time before baby girl arrives so I need my fingers to fly! Woo-hoooo!!
This is a big deal. Crochet seemed to be the only thing that would relax me, that I could do for hours on end, that didn't make me tired, and I could catch up on tv shows (distracting) or listen to music (easier). I spent the whole summer making fingerless gloves for my girlfriends, scarves, hats, coasters, washcloths, neck warmers, and a bunch of granny square coasters for my baby shower that my two awesome friends hosted.
I'm still very much a beginner, and I can't decipher crochet patterns worth a damn. This is so much fun, and my son has learned the difference between knitting (2 sticks) and crocheting (1 stick), and he knows that Mama crochets. Funny: my husband bought me a knitting magazine (mistake) for my birthday, and every chance he gets, he gives it to our son to "give to Mama." I grin and roll my eyes every time but tell him thank you and give him a big hug and kiss.
Unfortunately, being on bedrest has again made me a hermit. I have a bunch of cousins in the area, but the only one who is close to my age we don't have much in common except for having kids and moms who are sisters. Maybe a part of us won't open up for whatever reason. My other friends live an hour or more away, and they have kids of their own. I've tried mom's groups but didn't connect with anyone. Granted I didn't give it enough time, but I didn't have much in common with 20-somethings who did not have the unfortunate experience of losing a child.
Excuses, excuses. As I get older it is harder to make friends, so extra effort is needed. I get it.
Other things of note: I am 35 weeks tomorrow! Only two more progesterone shots! Cerclage removal on the 26th, at 36 weeks 1 day! We are looking at 12/18 for the planned c-section! I am excited for her arrival but not looking forward to being sleepless for the next year!
All this blogging is keeping me from finishing my crochet project. I don't have much time before baby girl arrives so I need my fingers to fly! Woo-hoooo!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Vulnerable
As this progressively growing belly marks my body, I can't help but feel like a target.
I am decidedly paranoid about being out by myself in public, or out with my son. I feel like someone would take one or both of us, as defenseless as I am.
Is this crazy thinking??? Isn't it good to be a little paranoid?
I don't even want to take him to the park. I know we aren't royalty, we don't have jackshit wealth, but still. I've probably read too many stories about babies being cut out of wombs by {crazy} women who told their partners they were pregnant to keep them around, so hell they'd better have something to show for it...geez. Plus, I feel safer being at home where there is no chance of getting in a car accident.
So this morning, I am enjoying a seasonal peppermint mocha at the coffee shop. I am in public. After this I'll go check out Tuesday Morning for an immersion blender since we received too many onions and carrots in the CSA box, and the food processor is too much work to get out and clean once I'm done.
And I'll watch my back the whole time.
(Excuse any typos. Blogging on a tiny device.)
I am decidedly paranoid about being out by myself in public, or out with my son. I feel like someone would take one or both of us, as defenseless as I am.
Is this crazy thinking??? Isn't it good to be a little paranoid?
I don't even want to take him to the park. I know we aren't royalty, we don't have jackshit wealth, but still. I've probably read too many stories about babies being cut out of wombs by {crazy} women who told their partners they were pregnant to keep them around, so hell they'd better have something to show for it...geez. Plus, I feel safer being at home where there is no chance of getting in a car accident.
So this morning, I am enjoying a seasonal peppermint mocha at the coffee shop. I am in public. After this I'll go check out Tuesday Morning for an immersion blender since we received too many onions and carrots in the CSA box, and the food processor is too much work to get out and clean once I'm done.
And I'll watch my back the whole time.
(Excuse any typos. Blogging on a tiny device.)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Unfairness
Her twin pregnancy was pretty uneventful. Everything went according to plan; perfectly operating cervix, perfectly placed placenta, no gestational diabetes, no preterm labor, no preeclampsia. No problems whatsoever. The beautiful boy and gorgeous girl were delivered at 37 weeks and some odd days. Full term.
One week later, the girl baby, the smaller of the two by 10 oz., died. SIDS. This was yesterday.
My brother and sister-in-law are devastated. We are in complete shock, and feeling helpless. At 32 weeks, I can't fly nor drive to be with them. My brother is in survival mode and he understandably hasn't gotten back to me via phone. My mother is there with them (shit, she has to go through another grandchild's death), which is hopefully giving them some comfort.
Damn unfairness.
One week later, the girl baby, the smaller of the two by 10 oz., died. SIDS. This was yesterday.
My brother and sister-in-law are devastated. We are in complete shock, and feeling helpless. At 32 weeks, I can't fly nor drive to be with them. My brother is in survival mode and he understandably hasn't gotten back to me via phone. My mother is there with them (shit, she has to go through another grandchild's death), which is hopefully giving them some comfort.
Damn unfairness.
Friday, September 28, 2012
27w6d
Not for lack of desire, but I'm a bad blogger. I actually compose lots of stuff all the time, but the posts are in my head and I just can't make myself type them out on my phone. Access to a laptop is spotty, and I'm just lazy at the moments. Many moments.
Happy to report that I am still pregnant! This is a tremendous accomplishment for a deadbabymama; each passing day/week is a milestone no matter how "good" things look. I'm under regular care of a perinatologist and OB, which is unlike my last pregnancy with LR when I was mainly seen by my OB (also because the perinatologists were not geographically accessible). Wannabe dad administers the majority of my progesterone shots unless I have a Thursday appointment and I bring the shot with me. B-H contractions are definitely present, but no more than 4 an hour.
The other week I splurged by eating oysters, and I blame them for indigestion which I feared was cramping. Three hours worth of worrying, and I monitored the B-H contractions which did not increase. It was definitely strange and I mentioned it to the physician's assistant at my OB appointment. She wanted to check my cervix, but I declined since it measured awesomely and closed just a few days before. The less people in my cooter, the better.
Other things of note: LR turned 4 and we finally got serious about potty training him. He had been sitting on the toilet every night for a year and a half but refused to do it outside of that. Pee and poop in the toilet were few and far between. The pediatrician wasn't worried, just told us to take our time. Then wannabe dad spent 3 days doing potty training boot camp (in the garage, with toys and a little potty and an alarm clock to go every hour) and the little guy did great!! It's been a month and he's had very few accidents. He has sticker charts which increase in boxes for stickers, and when he completes a chart he gets a surprise. He wears pull-ups at night, but outside of feeling ill one night, is dry in the morning. We are overjoyed with his progress (and ours), and I'll be even more overjoyed when I don't have to spend another dime on a package of pull-ups!
More: I had a birthday! I had a great day. A spa day followed by steak and lobster for dinner. I have the best husband who made a delicious breakfast complete with pumpkin pancakes, and LR picked out flowers for me.
Happy to report that I am still pregnant! This is a tremendous accomplishment for a deadbabymama; each passing day/week is a milestone no matter how "good" things look. I'm under regular care of a perinatologist and OB, which is unlike my last pregnancy with LR when I was mainly seen by my OB (also because the perinatologists were not geographically accessible). Wannabe dad administers the majority of my progesterone shots unless I have a Thursday appointment and I bring the shot with me. B-H contractions are definitely present, but no more than 4 an hour.
The other week I splurged by eating oysters, and I blame them for indigestion which I feared was cramping. Three hours worth of worrying, and I monitored the B-H contractions which did not increase. It was definitely strange and I mentioned it to the physician's assistant at my OB appointment. She wanted to check my cervix, but I declined since it measured awesomely and closed just a few days before. The less people in my cooter, the better.
Other things of note: LR turned 4 and we finally got serious about potty training him. He had been sitting on the toilet every night for a year and a half but refused to do it outside of that. Pee and poop in the toilet were few and far between. The pediatrician wasn't worried, just told us to take our time. Then wannabe dad spent 3 days doing potty training boot camp (in the garage, with toys and a little potty and an alarm clock to go every hour) and the little guy did great!! It's been a month and he's had very few accidents. He has sticker charts which increase in boxes for stickers, and when he completes a chart he gets a surprise. He wears pull-ups at night, but outside of feeling ill one night, is dry in the morning. We are overjoyed with his progress (and ours), and I'll be even more overjoyed when I don't have to spend another dime on a package of pull-ups!
More: I had a birthday! I had a great day. A spa day followed by steak and lobster for dinner. I have the best husband who made a delicious breakfast complete with pumpkin pancakes, and LR picked out flowers for me.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Circling
The days feel the same: wake, eat, snack, read/watch, eat, nap, read/watch, snack, eat, sleep.
Notice that "worry" is not on the list.
Very different than my pregnancy with LR, when I was constantly worrying about every little thing. Worrying won't change anything, whatever should happen. I also feel more relaxed which is also aided by not having to stay so horizontal. Small miracles.
A few items of note for my records:
-Felt the baby move at 19w3d.
-Sporadic round ligament pain on right side
-Picked up crocheting thanks to YouTube. I'm still practicing my tension, it's all over the place. I do better with chunky yarn=harder to see imperfections
-Cervix is measuring awesomely!
-Husband has administered two 17p shots. (The first time was scary all around, maybe because of my yelling?)
Need to do:
-Learn to play guitar
-Sign up LR for violin lessons
-Save money in case I get fired for being out too long
-Figure out how to fit the baby in this house...this could also wait until the baby comes home, because you know what could happen...
Notice that "worry" is not on the list.
Very different than my pregnancy with LR, when I was constantly worrying about every little thing. Worrying won't change anything, whatever should happen. I also feel more relaxed which is also aided by not having to stay so horizontal. Small miracles.
A few items of note for my records:
-Felt the baby move at 19w3d.
-Sporadic round ligament pain on right side
-Picked up crocheting thanks to YouTube. I'm still practicing my tension, it's all over the place. I do better with chunky yarn=harder to see imperfections
-Cervix is measuring awesomely!
-Husband has administered two 17p shots. (The first time was scary all around, maybe because of my yelling?)
Need to do:
-Learn to play guitar
-Sign up LR for violin lessons
-Save money in case I get fired for being out too long
-Figure out how to fit the baby in this house...this could also wait until the baby comes home, because you know what could happen...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tied
Just completed the last dose of indomethacin at 2 am. Woke up due to a weird dream, LR was in the car with me as I was driving to find the address with the number 1500. I kept driving around and around and he was right at my lap, I was trying to hide him since he was obviously not in his car seat-- completely unlike me to do this -- and I could not for the life of me find that address. I pulled over to text my friend but noticed it was too early so typed it and didn't send it. I'm not about to figure out what this dream means.
I did feel a slight gush of discharge, went to check and thankfully it was not blood, and now sitting up in bed it is not happening.
Cerclage was placed today. The procedure itself was about 15 minutes during which I was deep breathing to calm my shivers due to the chill in the OR, and while singing our walking down the aisle song in my head suddenly found myself ugly crying! WTF! I couldn't stop! Doc asked if I was in pain, I said no, meanwhile the pulse oximeter monitor beeping is steadily increasing due to my ugly crying and the hot anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm me down to which I whimpered Yes. I remember having that dull being under feeling last time, but this anesthesiologist did not automatically give it to me. If I by a slim chance have to go through this again, I will ask for it so I can avoid the ugly cry.
Recovery was not swift, with an overly full bladder and my legs feeling thick like logs, there was no emptying that sac. One nurse who wore too much perfume said I had to empty it myself, meaning pee on my own and two hours later the nurse who placed a catheter asked why I didn't ask for a cath earlier.
***
This has been happening frequently in the last three months; the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, and I'm left feeling like the asshole. This is teaching me more and more to stop waiting for shit to happen and to be in charge of my own shit. I hate being so damned passive and agreeable.
Back up to Big Fuck Up: perinatologist saw my referral form with the check mark for peri counseling four days prior to when her medical assistants scrambled to book my cerclage appointment. Said the OBs office should have faxed the form to them. I had the form for over a month.
The medical assistant was giving me hell: "you had this form for a month?"
When I was booking the appointment with the peri office I mentioned that checkmark, to which the person said "oh that's later." Now I know she was referring to the genetic counseling.
***
Finally the anesthesia wore off and six hours after the surgery ended I did my thing. Got another dose of the antibiotic and we were on our way home. Took a nap. Had dinner. Didn't give LR a bath (sad Mama), Papa
did instead. Will pick that up again in a few days and stop at 18-28 weeks.
I'll be taking it easy for the rest of the pregnancy, not strict bedrest this time like with LR, but definitely no housework, no carrying LR (love doing that!), no exercise. Just lots of resting and relaxing. My leave from work started yesterday.
As of today I am 13 weeks 4 days along. Belly is definitely showing. Lots of peeing and gas. Onions and spicy food do not agree with me. Had a slight cold at around 10 weeks, no fever.
I'm sure hubby thought the anesthesiologist was hot too.
I did feel a slight gush of discharge, went to check and thankfully it was not blood, and now sitting up in bed it is not happening.
Cerclage was placed today. The procedure itself was about 15 minutes during which I was deep breathing to calm my shivers due to the chill in the OR, and while singing our walking down the aisle song in my head suddenly found myself ugly crying! WTF! I couldn't stop! Doc asked if I was in pain, I said no, meanwhile the pulse oximeter monitor beeping is steadily increasing due to my ugly crying and the hot anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm me down to which I whimpered Yes. I remember having that dull being under feeling last time, but this anesthesiologist did not automatically give it to me. If I by a slim chance have to go through this again, I will ask for it so I can avoid the ugly cry.
Recovery was not swift, with an overly full bladder and my legs feeling thick like logs, there was no emptying that sac. One nurse who wore too much perfume said I had to empty it myself, meaning pee on my own and two hours later the nurse who placed a catheter asked why I didn't ask for a cath earlier.
***
This has been happening frequently in the last three months; the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, and I'm left feeling like the asshole. This is teaching me more and more to stop waiting for shit to happen and to be in charge of my own shit. I hate being so damned passive and agreeable.
Back up to Big Fuck Up: perinatologist saw my referral form with the check mark for peri counseling four days prior to when her medical assistants scrambled to book my cerclage appointment. Said the OBs office should have faxed the form to them. I had the form for over a month.
The medical assistant was giving me hell: "you had this form for a month?"
When I was booking the appointment with the peri office I mentioned that checkmark, to which the person said "oh that's later." Now I know she was referring to the genetic counseling.
***
Finally the anesthesia wore off and six hours after the surgery ended I did my thing. Got another dose of the antibiotic and we were on our way home. Took a nap. Had dinner. Didn't give LR a bath (sad Mama), Papa
did instead. Will pick that up again in a few days and stop at 18-28 weeks.
I'll be taking it easy for the rest of the pregnancy, not strict bedrest this time like with LR, but definitely no housework, no carrying LR (love doing that!), no exercise. Just lots of resting and relaxing. My leave from work started yesterday.
As of today I am 13 weeks 4 days along. Belly is definitely showing. Lots of peeing and gas. Onions and spicy food do not agree with me. Had a slight cold at around 10 weeks, no fever.
I'm sure hubby thought the anesthesiologist was hot too.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Next
It's a good thing I didn't delete this blog. It was good reference for all that we went through to bring LR to this world. I took some notes to bring to my new OB tomorrow, for the First Appointment for the next baby.
Praying that this is not: a) false; b) ectopic; c) not viable; d) twins or more. By my approximations (as in when my BBT shifted) I am about 7 weeks along. If you go by the date of my LMP, I am 9 weeks along. Hopefully the ultrasound will help with any adjusting.
I already answered two awkward questions: How many pregnancies is this? Um, 4. How many births? Um, 3. I'm 40, high-risk, and I have a funky (and spreading) rash on my leg that appeared in December 2009, and I stopped using the topical corticosteroid just two weeks before I conceived, as I suspected this was contributing to non-conception. But I can't be absolutely sure it was stopping the corticosteroid, since I also did some Mayan massage and started taking Fertility Blend. Why I didn't do this regimen sooner is really beyond me, but this timing is seeming to work out with my work schedule. I just hope work is open to me working from bed.
So tomorrow I find out the plan for this pregnancy: the cerclage, bedrest, 17p shots. Here we go again.
Praying that this is not: a) false; b) ectopic; c) not viable; d) twins or more. By my approximations (as in when my BBT shifted) I am about 7 weeks along. If you go by the date of my LMP, I am 9 weeks along. Hopefully the ultrasound will help with any adjusting.
I already answered two awkward questions: How many pregnancies is this? Um, 4. How many births? Um, 3. I'm 40, high-risk, and I have a funky (and spreading) rash on my leg that appeared in December 2009, and I stopped using the topical corticosteroid just two weeks before I conceived, as I suspected this was contributing to non-conception. But I can't be absolutely sure it was stopping the corticosteroid, since I also did some Mayan massage and started taking Fertility Blend. Why I didn't do this regimen sooner is really beyond me, but this timing is seeming to work out with my work schedule. I just hope work is open to me working from bed.
So tomorrow I find out the plan for this pregnancy: the cerclage, bedrest, 17p shots. Here we go again.
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