I am so depressed when I wake up the first thing I want to do is to get numb from some sort of substance.  I will literally wash my bipolar meds down with last nights beer and smoke a blunt before really even opening my eyes.  From that point on, I am either getting fucked up on beer and weed or I am passed out waking to say, I am never drinking again.  An endless cycle of going to the corner store to get beer/wine/cigarettes/and cigars daily.  They know my name at the corner store and it pisses me off.  I know they know I am a drunk.

My mood took a serious turn for the worst last week.  First, I am broke and that is a major trigger for me.  Secondly, I was just depressed for no reason, as a result I have been eating so much that I get sick.  It seems that I am looking for any self-gratification in any form…I am drinking, smoking and eating to keep my mind busy on other things such as, my intense hate for editing.  I am currently editing my edits and I feel like there is no end in sight. I FUCKING WANT IT TO BE OVER.  I have nightmares at night.  I have thoughts of concepts and new characters in my day dreams. The book occupies my thoughts all day everyday and I really want it to end.

Also because I have currently pushed all of my friends away again because I am depressed (I do this several times a YEAR) I have not had any intimacy so I am constantly visiting pornhub.com to get a quick pick me up.  I am fucked up!

Love you guys

Ava O. Milani

My life needs some excitement!

And it hurts…

A couple of days ago I blogged that I did not have an appetite and I was feeling a little manic.  In fact, I was saying to people how wonderful my life is and I had this intense feeling of happiness for two days straight.  I knew something was off…something was going to happen…I wasn’t sure if it was going to be depression or mania.  Well folks, it is depression.  I slept the entire day yesterday.  I did get up to use the bathroom and have a bowl of cereal, besides that I was asleep.  I am making myself stay up today because I am backed-up on chores and that is the last thing I need while I battle this bipolar depression.

I do know that mania and depression come out of nowhere and that there is not always a cause.  However, I think about yesterday and the fact it was Father’s Day.  My father passed away when I was 17 years old and I hardly remember him, however, I found myself crying yesterday and really felt I missed my Daddy.  Also, I watched Mommy Dearest with my mother the day before yesterday.  It is as if that movie brought back all the pain I suffered at my mother’s hands.  As we were watching the movie, my mother had the nerve to try to justify “Mommy Dearest” actions.  I told her that she should not side with “Mommy Dearest” as she is the epitome of a bad mother and she should not be able to relate.  She had the fucking nerve to get mad at me.

Yesterday during my all day slumber, she decided to come check on me, as I had not seen daylight.  She peaks in my room and says, what is wrong with you…I tell her I am extremely depressed and she says to me, “Oh, I thought you were dead” and shut my door.  Today, again I do not have much to say and locked my bedroom door.  She tries to get in and I open the door and she says, “why do you have your door locked” I told her I am depressed and really need to be left alone…without hesitation and without acknowledgement of what I said, she says, “Can you do something for me?”  I think to myself, are you fucking kidding me!!! Leave me the fuck alone please!!  I want to lay here and hate you, me and everyone else in my life.

After I heard her say can I do something for her, I absolutely tuned out.  There was no need for me to get upset about her lack of caring, it has always been like that.  Even though she is bipolar and knows first hand how I feel right now…she just don’t give a fuck.

So, with all that said, I am in a dark place right now and I hope that it goes away soon.  I did not drink yesterday and tried not today, as I hoped it would help my mood.  I had two beers so far today, it is now relaxing me, but I know there is depression set to come soon.

I love my life…really I do!  I just hate the ups and downs and ups and downs…

After 6 long years of writing and having writer’s block and falling in and out of Love with my work I finally finished writing my book!  I am excited to introduce The Life of a Bipolar Drunk Chick  to you once it is published!  I am hoping to have it out by March 2016.

I have been having 4 beers a day and weed…I hope this is not a stupid question..but, is that a lot?  I compare that to where I have been before and feel like I am a light drinker now.  However, I am not delusional to think I don’t have a problem, however, I just want to know what you think.

My psychiatrist ordered a lipid test and I have high cholesterol after 6 months of Latuda.  I had my cholesterol checked October 2014 and it was a little high…now it is 289 which is considered high risk.  So, I am not sure what my Pdoc is going to do.  I am actually scared she will take me off of Latuda, and seriously, in my 31 years of living I have never found a medicine that works for me like Latuda. Anyone else had their cholesterol rise because of Latuda?

I do feel accomplished about finishing the book.  Hopefully it is a success.  It really is a great book…although I am sure every author thinks that about their work.  It is informational and funny and an extremely sexy.

I have not an appetite lately and feel a little manic…I hope I am not headed in the wrong direction, if you know what I mean.

I was three days sober and again fell off the damn wagon!!  But my question is, is it considered a relapse..considering I have been drinking for months non-stop and was sober three days and drank again.  Is that relapse?  I don’t know.  But, while I tried to stay sober  I tried to stay busy and I  listened to Zen, I did hypnosis, I tried to eat better (not so successful). Even with my attempts to stay busy I was so consumed with the thought of drinking a cold beer with a couple of shots of Jack Daniels.  I did fight the urge…and honestly I feel like I could have fought the temptation longer but of course I made an excuse for drinking,  because of my cousin’s birthday party.

I am so tired of it all…I don’t want to die from alcohol but I would rather die than give up my alcohol.  I feel like my life is so boring and uncomfortable sober…some sober days are great…but then it gets old.  I know my reasons for drinking seem superficial, in fact I think I use excuses to drink but have not really addressed the real underlying issues.  I recently read about Promises (addiction rehab)  and they put a bit of a spin on what “alcoholism” is about…and they address the fact that there is usually an underlying cause that needs to be addressed.  I know some of my underlying reasons for drinking…but the only way I have really dealt with it was self medicating and taking anti-depressant and antipsychotics. I need to really get treatment for my underlying issues beyond drugs and alcohol…however, because I am on Medicaid and do not have the resources to go to Promises, I doubt that it will happen.  Although, I am thinking about writing them a letter and letting them know my desperate need to get longer term intense treatment for both my bipolar and addiction issues (dual diagnosis..I need help!)  I have tried rehab and I feel like they address the addiction but they do not focus on the underlying causes…I need to really focus of the cause and addiction together.

I really need help, I just cannot handle it myself and rehab has not worked for me.  I really appreciate the you can do it, or hang in there, or whatever advice I receive from those in recovery or still suffering, but honestly it does not change my choices at the end of the day.  With all those that try to inspire and guide me to sobriety, I just don’t listen!!  It might be the death of me…but, I just do not listen

When I started writing Bipolar Drunk Chick blog, I ask myself the question, why do I want to blog?…What is my purpose for the blog?  The first thing that came to mind is the fact that it was important for me to write about the down and dirty of bipolar with the truth…no sugar coating, no pussy-footing around the truth.  It was important that I share my story about my struggle with Bipolar and addiction.

I remember googling bipolar and getting the cookie cutter definition of what bipolar is. I know that bipolar is not a mental illness that is the same in every person; in fact it is the opposite of that.  There are people with bipolar that are suicide, some are violent, some are as sweet as pie until something triggers them, some just seem to be moody but does not reach full-out mania or depression.  It is an illness that cannot be categorized based on symptoms alone.  However, when I attempted to educate myself about my illness, I just did not find anything that really addressed the symptoms that I was dealing with. Also it seemed to be limited information on my dual diagnosis as bipolar and an alcohol/addict.   That is how the blog was born.  I tell the truth even when it hurts.  I struggle and there isn’t always a rainbow at the end and I want to share that with my audience.  Additionally there are days that are such a great my excitement it is hard to contain.  I wanted to share both extremes.

Also, I have been looking for dual diagnosis websites/blogs.  I found that it was very rare to find any info that addressed both illnesses.  I needed to have more info regarding this…as a result…I decided to address and educate people about the dual diagnosis that has caused my life to spiral out of control several times.

With my relapses and my bipolar mania and depression I want to invite you all to share the truth…the down and dirty!

Please enjoy my unedited story of a Life of a Bipolar Drunk Chick:

After dinner, Antoine invited me back to his house, of course I wanted to go.  I was actually interested to know more about him and I wanted to cuddle with him and watch movies. I am insanely into him.  His sexiness, the man in him, the juiciness of his kiss had me longing for him.  As we enter his house I notice a  huge big screen t.v., a surround sound system.  He immediately  put on some slow reggae grove and lit an incense. He pulled a beer out of the frig and offered me a glass of wine.  Of course I said yes, I loved wine, it makes me feel really warm and sexy.

We sit on his black leather sofa listening to music and sipping our spirits. I start to look around while I sipped my wine and felt it was a really nice place with really nice quality furniture.  . Although his taste was a very nice look, leather in the summer can be sticky. So as the wine warmed me up, I would have to wipe the sweat off the back of my thighs. I guess this minor switching of my sweaty thighs started turning him on. Antoine starts complimenting me on my shapely legs. I then part my legs and wipe the sweat off my inner thighs I rub my thighs and look and I start watching him watch me.. Antoine grabs me by the hand, towards the stereo system and turns up the music, he then escorts me back to his bedroom.

I am nervous as fuck to go back to his bedroom. I wasn’t sure what was next to come. Antoine takes my top off and unfastened my bra. My firm tits and hard nipples plop out as he unfastened my bra. Antoine then sits on the edge of his water-bed, making him eye level to my tits. He cups my tits and starts to gently suck on my hard nipples. As he kisses my nipples oh so gently, my panties are now not only wet from my sweat, but wet from my love juices. He lays me down on the bed, pulls off my shorts and my panties and parts my hairy privates. He gently licks as he is parting. My love juices begin to flow even more. He begins to suck the juices out of my juice box while tongue fucking my clit. He then begins to slowly comes up to my mouth and begins to deep tongue kiss me. As he kisses me I taste an unfamiliar slimy film on his face and realize, I am tasting me. I get turned so turned on that my juices are flowing but now I am so nervous. I am no longer thinking about the pleasure I am receiving, my mind goes to the fact that I am about six months into losing my virginity and now I am about to fuck a grown man. I try to concentrate on Antoine. His kisses relax me, although he could tell I was nervous as he whispers in my ear “relax baby, I’m not going to hurt you”. I begin to relax and Antoine get’s on top of me and begins to place his poker into my love hole. However, my puss was so tight, it was like a Pit Bull trying to fuck a Yorkshire Terrier. Antoine without hesitation reaches above us and pulls a handful of Vaseline and puts it on his dick. He kisses on me all the while trying to get his poker in this tight ass pussy. After working gently in and out with the head of dick . He would put it in a little a little deeper with each stroke until finally he was in there.

I was so unskillful during sex. However, I was told that you never just lay there. So as he pumped in out to the tune of Shaba Ranks ” ” playing in the living room, I got on beat with his rhythm. Our bodies became in tune. In and out in and out. Then I decided to go round and round with my hips as if I was a reggae dancer on stage. I begin to totally relax and my juices were shooting out of me as I continue my reggae dance. Antoine then puts his pole to the back and hit a wall, a spot, a G spot, a something. I start to thrust my hips even harder wanting him to hit that spot again. I put my legs up and tilt my hips up and Antoine begins to hit my spot over and over and over. It feels so good I am yelling before I realize I am yelling. My legs begin to shake and this tingle comes all over my body, chill bumps cover my body, every part of my body becomes super sensitive to touch. It is as if I am in a euphoric state. My body has transformed and with one final thrust of me and Antoine’s hips in unison, out came a spray of juices and while the juices then slowly dripped out of me, my body became even more sensitive. I lay there wanting to move my hips, but somewhat paralyzed from ecstasy. I forget Antoine is still in there. He speeds up his hips and the next thing you know, I have a puddle of cream on my belly.