Hanging By The Thread

The Story of My Life 1 Comment

After 703 days, I am barely surviving. Life is on a standstill, indefinitely. No job, no life, no health, I wonder when my time is up.

My health continues to deteriorate. Without much medical assistance, I foresee this will only get worse. Unfortunately, no practitioners or specialists are able to offer any sound advice or medication. I am now relying on traditional and natural medication. Only God knows when this will end.

I have not been out of my bedroom like for months. Being disabled and immobilised, there is not much of a life. I have lost interest in every thing. I have no motivation to do anything. It took me half a day staring at my blog to finally write this silly irrelevant entry – there is so much going on in my mind yet there is so little I can express.

I need an intervention. A great intervention from God to get me out of this misery. When will my prayers be answered?

Listen!

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At times like this I really pray and wish to have a doctor that would shut his/her trap and listen up! This is one department which I think they failed to learn in medic school. All of whom I have encountered are either too proud, too busy, or simply don’t care.
What good would it do for the patients if doctors pay no attention and effort in listening to them?
How many of you out there come across a medical practitioner that truly listen to your woes and not just half heartedly hear your voice during consultation?

Autumn Blues

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I am discharged from the ER after staying overnight in the observation ward. I am very exhausted and demotivated. I didn’t manage to catch any sleep at all while I was there.

I feel lost and saddened by the words of my naturopath which was thrown at me. I do not wanna discussed it here but nonetheless I am still very sad. Her words and behaviour making me having many thoughts to whether continue with her medication or not. I guess when you have lost respect with a medicine person, it would be hard to have anything to deal with the person anymore.

I would still need to return to the hospital tomorrow. I am referred to the dermatologist this time. I am praying hard that no steroid medicine will ever be prescribed to me, again!

I could feel all the negative energy is around me. Feeling sad, worry about serious matters the most. I am lost of words …

Bad start

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Life has been extremely challenging for me this year. It has only been two months into 2014 and I find myself having trouble coping with the demands and suffering that have been offered to me so far. So much so that I have neglected my blog during this time.

One important piece of information I gathered during my course of medical help recently is that I have staph infection. In fact, there are heavily growing on my palm now. Only God knows how much of this bugger is in my immune system. Most importantly is that this bacteria has been in me for quite sometime. It has manifested in the form of arthritis pain in the past – this is very likely the cause to my sudden tendonitis problem. And now its’ manifestation takes the form of eczema. My eczema becomes worse the moment I stopped using steroid. The rebound effect of steroid is hellish. And now with the heavily growth infection on me – is just unbearably torturous.

Life is cruel

The Story of My Life 8 Comments

28th Feb 2014.
Still sick.
Temporary disabled and immobilised due to staph infection now.
Spent thousand of dollars in vain. Unemployment makes life even more stressful.
I find myself feeling suicidal at this moment.
Dear Lord! I can ‘t handle this any longer. Please hear me out! Take back this pain, sickness and suffering. It has been years till I lost count.

The End of 2013

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I guess it’s customary to wish everyone Happy New Year. My wish for 2014 is to regain my life, my health – to be itches-free, rashes-free, flares-free, eczema-free, allergy-free, being able to walk, stand and run, being employed and regain my high flying position, be happy, and get to stay happily together with my loved ones, and never to part again.

I am still sick in bed. The ice bag is still sitting next to my chin. Moving from one area to another trying to cool down the burning sensation. My head is feeling heavy due to interrupted sleep and also lack of sleep for many nights.

I can still hear the sound of fireworks every now and then. But the rumbling sound of my hungry tummy is just as loud as the fireworks. Many people are uploading their happy moments celebrating NYE on FB. I could only browse through them in sadness. I have stayed in this room for over 30hours. Too sick to leave the bedroom if it wasn’t for the desperation to get ice for my skin. The ice supply is also getting extremely low. At one stage, I ran out of ice. I ended up buying 2 bags of ice from the nearby 7-11. One for yesterday and another today. Very likely, I might have to do so for tomorrow too.

I am not envious of people enjoying their NYE in public at all. I just wish to have a peaceful sleep without any flares tonight. I needed a good rest. My right eye lid is affected by the flares. The lid becomes dopier than it is, sort of covering a little of my pupil. The flares has caused my complexion becomes darker on my face, chin, and neck. There are still red bums on them too. The affected areas are burning hot.

I feel so lonely, depress and sad suffering alone here and lying in bed in total darkness. My thought goes to my loved ones who is fast asleep in another country. This makes me feel even sadder. How I wish we could be together. How I wish I have someone to share this pain with me now.

My dear Lord, don’t you think I have suffered enough? Don’t you think I have learnt my lesson? Can I have back what were taken away from me? My health, my wealth, my love, my life, my sanity, my dignity, my self esteem, my everything. Please?

Suffering and Pain

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A year ago I started this blog to document my life that was given a second chance. Only did I not know this life was actually going through hell for the second time. And the torturing has been intensified each day without mercy. Having to charge through this hell of fire alone is not only tormenting but also has suck out heaps of my light and energy. The light to survive is getting dimmer and flickering in search of mercy from the Almighty.

I am pretty sure there are plenty others who are suffering twice or more than me. But this doesn’t make my pain any easier. The problem always seem to be bigger because they are mine! So, said Ally McBeal. And I can only second her account.

It’s almost dinner time here. I have no food gone into my stomach since last night. I wasn’t on a hunger strike. I am just too sick to leave the room for food. The ice bag won’t last me long enough to shop for food. And 1 minute without an ice bag would allow my entire body to flare up instantly. Yes, this is how severe my situation is! I haven’t been able to get much sleep last night either. Every hour I had to get ice. And going up and down the stairs had taken a toll on my knees and legs.

Time really flies. Been a year now. Yet, my pathetic sad depressed unhealthy life has not improved a bit. It only gotten worse.

What in the world have I sinned to be punished like this? Is this karma? If yes, I beg for forgiveness. I would go down on my knees and cry for mercy, If only I could bend them without any problems. Regardless of what you think, this is part of life’s suffering. And we are not chosen to go through suffering for no reasons. Situation like these have forced me to think that I must have sinned. While others may think I am a chosen one and it is a blessing; and while I believe too, but at the same time I am just a homo sapien! For heaven sake, I cannot handle this. I am too weak for this. It has been going on since my teenage life time. When will it stop? Till the day I die? And will they be more punishment while waiting for Judgment Day? And what would my sentence be then?

While everyone is out partying or getting ready to do so for the 2013 countdown, I am stuck in my bed hungry & terribly sick, helpless, praying hard for a rash free, itch free, eczema free, sick free life!

I need to get more ice…