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Too Big For My Boots

 

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I sometimes forget that my relationship with God is that of a Parent –child and not parent – I. I have been encouraged over the years to have a personal relationship with God, He is my heavenly father and I should speak to Him as I would speak to my own father. This made sense, I would confide in Him and praise and worship Him and all was well.

 As the years progressed and I became more settled in my relationship with God, I became comfortable, comfortable to tell Him all of my worries, comfortable to share my insecurities with Him, comfortable to praise Him and magnify His name, comfortable to leash out in anger at Him, comfortable to tell Him when I don’t like something and comfortable to be mad at Him. Comfortable to give Him the silent treatment.

Today I realize , I sometimes get too big for my boots , May I never forget who the sovereign God is , I mean for heavens sake He can just speak the word and people could drop dead like flies .So my stand on this, its better to fear God and know exactly who it is that you are worshiping.  For crying out loud , imagine someone asks me who I was and I just reply “IAM”…like I am who I am , don’t you be questioning me !  

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How awesome is God?

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How awesome is God?  I had this dream and in this dream I see my husband. The dream disturbed me so much that I confronted my husband. It turns out he had an affair with a married woman and she now claims to be pregnant with his child.

In this dream I see her so clearly, and when I met her she looked just like the woman I saw in my dream. I had never seen her previously and she lives on the other side of town which I have never ever visited. They met on a dating site and the first day he met her they slept together.

What a perfect way to hurt me. First I was mad at him, then at her, then myself and yesterday I was mad at God, today I just feel nothing.

Looks like I will be single soon, I have no interest in marriage restoration. In fact I have no interest in anything anymore.

Life, as they say, it goes on. 

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How much more ?

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How much more pain and struggling would You have me go through Lord ?

Did You not say You will not let me stand ashamed ? 

How easy it is to blame You for everything that’s gone wrong in my life , You are ultimately my hero , my Savior , the person I look to for love , comfort , wisdom , for help for everything . Did I somehow fail You ?  Was I disobedient ? 

They say everything happens for a reason , but surely You had to know this would hurt me more than anything else . 

Have You not seen my tears , or heard me cry myself to sleep ? Did it not move Your heart well I fell down to the ground and begged You  for help ? How do I interpret Your silence , when You know my soul longs for answers ?

 Every morning this is the song I sing to You Lord and only to You :

My soul desire is to serve You Lord , To do Your perfect will , To work each day and build , You Kingdom, this is my soul desire

 

I feel convicted to ask forgiveness for questioning you and for feeling you let me down, but it’s genuinely how I feel and You already know that.

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Ashamed to serve God

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My eldest sister called me on Friday evening asking me if I could make some cupcakes and lasagna for her, she was having friends over on Sunday and her son loves my cupcakes. Not a usual request, we are always baking in my family, each of my sisters is known to have specialty dishes, and so if I wanted chocolate cake or chicken pie or what ever, I knew which sister to ask.

When I arrived yesterday afternoon, I was greeted by her husband, the men were in the living room watching some game on television and the women and kids were outside by the swimming pool. This sister of mine loves to entertain. I went outside to greet my sister , I wasn’t planning on staying long when a lady walks up to me , kisses me on both cheeks , calls me by my name , telling me I still look the same , I haven’t changed one bit. Flattered but puzzled I had no idea who she was or from what stone she crawled out of. I joined the ladies at the table, they offered me some ice tea and I continued listening to their conversation bashing my brains hoping that something this woman said would ignite my memory and I would remember her, but I came up with nothing. My sister makes friends so easily, she knows so much people, but this woman seemed to know me.

I kicked off my heels and went over to the swimming pool to dip my feet in the water and enjoy a few minutes with the kids. I knelt over to kiss me nephew and my sunglasses fell in the water, with all this drama of the kids rushing to get my sunglasses out of the water and splashing me wet, I didn’t notice this woman was standing next to me. “Do you remember me?” She asked with a smile. Embarrassed I admitted that I couldn’t remember where I knew her from, so she told me.

My eldest sister went through a tough time with the father of her children, she had her first child out of wedlock and at one stage, she faced a financial crisis and moved into a neighborhood where there lived majority Moslem people. The houses were spaced very close to each other and there was a Moslem family on each side of the house, in front and behind. Since she was unmarried and battling financially she asked me to come live with her for a few months. Each Saturday when she went to work, I would be home and I got into this habit of playing gospel music while cleaning up. On this one particular day, I turned up the music really loud and was dancing with the feather duster and vacuum cleaner, just praising God, dancing and singing loudly forgetting my surroundings. At one stage I was upstairs , dancing and carrying on in my own little world when something made me turn to the window and I saw this Moslem woman and girl standing there watching me . I am a very private person and I went into shock knowing they saw me dancing and carrying on like that.

 I dove into the carpet, rolled on the ground, yanked the hem of the curtain until it was closed, stuck my hand through the curtain and closed the window, shut off the music. I don’t know where I got those army moves; I was never in the military.  I was so shy. Immediately my mind attacked me and won. If you are going to be embarrassed to serve God, He is going to be embarrassed to acknowledge you one day, I kept telling myself. For days I had this debate with myself , I was shocked that I felt embarrassed but because I didn’t want to offend my sisters neighbors or seem like a religious nut case , I just decided to listen to my music through my earphones instead.

That girl in the window was this woman standing next to me, and that was the summer her grandmother passed away, she was battling stomach cancer. She went on to tell me that, her grandmother was a Christian lady, who embraced another religion because of a pregnancy. I don’t remember her grandmother; I just remember the vision of this lady standing in the window with most of her face closed with a scarf. I was uncomfortable.

She went on to tell me that her ailing grandmother heard the music, got out of bed, stood by the window smiling and called her to come see me enjoy my Christian music. The old woman told her grand daughter, “look how free she is” and smiled.

I was on the other side of the fence, embarrassed and full of shame and going through a mind battle and beating myself up because now I probably look silly in their eyes, while someone else thought I was free. Everyday when I went to work I remember seeing this girl and she would wave to me, I just smiled and kept walking, it took me a while to get over my embarrassment.  Sometimes we create drama that’s completely uncalled for, I remember this incident so specifically because it was such an embarrassing moment for me, how people view me was so important. Now years later, I am seeing the situation through the eyes of someone else and it’s surprising. I sometimes wish I knew then, what I know now, I am sure my life would be so much different, but I had to go through the things I did in order to learn, it was the only way.

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The Story of Joshua

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When I was a little girl, my mother told me the story of my name. I came home from school one day and I was mad that she named me Bernadette. It was such a long and difficult name to write and I wanted a short funky name like Lisa or Amy. So she told me the story of my name and I am not sure how true the story is, but I believed her when she told me.

My mother was pregnant and expecting me when she went to a cinema to watch a movie with a friend.  The movie was a about a NUN called Bernadette.  This nun would visit the local prisons and sneak food in her basket to help feed the starving prisoners. She took a huge risk in doing this because if she was ever exposed to the prison guards, it would cost her, her life for this treachery. One day, someone had tipped off the prison guards and for the first time in all the time has was visiting the prison – they stopped her at the gate, asking to search her belongings.  She had a basket which was filled with food, and she knew if they discovered the food in the basket she would be killed. She couldn’t protest and they proceeded to search her belongings and when they lifted the cloth covering her basket, the food had disappeared and basket was filled with flowers. The story inspired my mother so much that when she gave birth to me she named me Bernadette.

Now many years later, I am battling to conceiving a child , I had tried so many things , prayed and prayed and eventually  one  day I said to the Lord that  I am going to choose a name for my unborn son. It wasn’t a hard choice , I simply went on the internet  and downloaded a list of names and when I saw the name Joshua , I said “ Lord , I will call my son Joshua and I will honor You with his life . I will raise him up to know who the Lord and savior of my life is, I will take him to Sunday school, to church and I will teach him to pray etc, etc.

That night when my husband got home, I told him that I decided on a name and we were both in agreement, he loved the name and we would mention Joshua to God when we prayed. A year passed and nothing happened, we were still praying for this child and it was hard but we still hoped. One day I was downcast and depressed and I picked up my bible, I needed some sort of hope from God. The source of my despair was the empty cradle and the vacant space in my heart. Time and my age was against me, I needed my miracle, but it simply wasn’t coming.  

I sat in silence , not sure how to  pray , what to say to God , I felt disappointed and let down , I  decided to read the book of Joshua in the bible, I had never read it before. I thought reading this book might give me some comfort and it certainly did.

CHAPTER 1

1 Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spoke unto Joshua the son of Nun,….

Those were the first words I read and I stopped reading there and never read it again. Immediately I had a smile on my face! The son of NUN!  Granted I am no NUN, but my name was inspired by this woman Bernadette who was a Nun and now I would be Joshua’s mom and in the bible Joshua’s mom’s name was Nun. Oh I had a feast with this name play. I couldn’t believe of all the names the world – Bernadette, Joshua and Nun was tied in somehow. It just made me laugh with amazement at how awesome and how great God is.

Two more years have now passed , still no sign of Joshua , still no baby in my crib , still no child to love , I cannot tell you how many times I have  wanted to give up , but the desire is so strong that I keep on hoping and asking God and I pray someday soon He will bless me with a child.  

 

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The things people say…

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Sometimes it’s better to just keep quiet than to say anything at all. A few months ago I hosted a cupcake party; I invited a few ladies I know to enjoy an afternoon of relaxation, fun and a time for sharing and encouraging one another. We were about twenty five ladies and each woman had a chance to inspire or reach out for prayer. I was last to speak, as the hostess I offered my guests the opportunity to speak before I did and I enjoyed their stories about their husbands, their children or whatever they joked about.

I got up, made one or two jokes and thanked them all for coming and a friend of mine interrupted me, “Aren’t you going to talk about Joshua?” She yelled from the back of the room. I couldn’t decipher if she was mocking me or showing off. Joshua is the name I selected ‘in faith’ for my unborn child, my entire family and everyone who knows me, knows about Joshua or rather that I am waiting on God to bless me with my son. I was stunned and offered her an uncomfortable smile, she caught me off guard. One of my sisters’s then said, “Yes, let’s address that issue.” Issue? I didn’t know it was an issue and if it was an issue then it’s my issue.

Like wild fire the ladies got involved in the discussion.  One of the ladies from my church said, there are so many unwanted children, why don’t I  just pick one and adopt it and save myself a lot of trouble and torment but that wasn’t what I asked of God, I specifically asked Him for my own child.

One of my younger sister’s has five children, we are always joking about the stuff they do and say, she got up and said “Get a puppy”. I promise you I had a smile on my face but it felt as if someone just crushed my spirit like a soft grape. She is younger than me , out of respect for her , I would never yell at her or pass any snide remarks towards her , I just raised my eyebrows and  allowed everyone else to chip into the conversation .  In my heart I felt like screaming at her and asking her why doesn’t  she trade in her five bright, funny, cute kids for 5 dogs and tell me how that feels.

Long story short I got the dog, as recommended and you know what, I am never going to hear the dog call me mommy now am I? He just barks and bites things and digs up my neighbors gardens and why not, it is a dog, not a child.

It felt as if I was in a trance of some sort, present in the physical but absent in the spirit. I could hear people rambling on that God has a reason for everything and maybe it’s not in God’s plan for my life and maybe God has something better in store for me. I know those comment were meant to be positive and encouraging but it was everything except that.  I  know they meant well , but this is my desire , my miracle that I am waiting for , if you haven’t walked the road I have , you would never understand.

The rest of the afternoon, I kept myself extremely busy serving tea and cup cakes , pretended to listen to their jokes , forced a fake smile on my face, I couldn’t wait for them all to just leave , I cried in the shower , went out the next day and got the dog . Everyone seems to know what’s best for me, and apparently the dog could fill the void of not having a child. I am glad I kept quiet and said nothing; surely I would have a ton of enemies today if I told them exactly what I thought – God knows my heart.

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An empty cradle = an empty heart

 

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An empty cradle equals an empty heart; and indeed I tell you those words are so true! You see its OK to be the favorite aunt or the hotshot baby sitter, at the end of the day – you have to hand back what is not yours and that hurts.

I grew up in a large family, I have always loved children, I have 9 siblings, it became part my responsibility to help care for some of them. In doing so, I always dreamed of the day, I would meet my husband, have a family, live in a house somewhere and just be normal and happy like everyone else. I look normal, I live what appears to be a normal life, but it’s so empty. I go around spoiling other people’s children and instead of feeling fulfilled and happy, I end up feeling empty and sad.

I recently reconnected with a woman I met years ago; she was a prostitute from the tender age of thirteen years old.  We met for coffee the other day and when I arrived I saw these two blonde headed toddlers, they were insanely cute, I had no idea they were her children, I thought she was a nanny now.  They say Children are a reward from Lord and we all know that God is no respecter of persons, so here was this woman who used to sleep with men for money, abused drugs and alcohol for years and God saw it fit to bless her with two children and another baby on the way. What about me? Miss goodie two shoes, always too scared to step out of line; I was the one with the empty cradle. I sat back in my chair and listened as she told me about her wealthy husband , their massive home , the fact that she is expecting another child , the cute things her children say when they try to pray and all I could think was , Lord where did I fail you ?

When do I give up? It’s been so many years now and still nothing.

I am unable to explain how I feel, although I was genuinely happy for her new life, and the fact that she found the Lord, I had suffered throughout my life with many stumbling blocks and have been basically begging God for a family of my own for years and the reward went to a prostitute instead. I cannot fathom God’s reasoning. All my cousins, my sisters and high school friends, are all mothers; I am the only odd one out, once again. I never get invited to anything anymore unless I am making the birthday cake or helping with the decorations or the party games.

Am I selfish? Am I not worthy? Perhaps I am impatient? I don’t have any answers I just know that for now I still hope and have a little bit of faith left in me to keep on waiting on the Lord.

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The Invitation

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So surprise surprise , I get a Facebook friend request and it’s a woman I had forgotten about , she remembered me and looked for me on Facebook. I was thrilled that she came looking for me after 5 years or so since I last saw her.

One Monday I came home from work early and I had a craving for a certain burger and since I lived within walking distance of the roadhouse, it was no sweat to take a stroll to go buy it. Outside the store was this blonde woman sitting flat on the ground crying, everyone just passed her by, not that I judge a book by its cover but she looked like a prostitute because of her attire. I looked at her and said nothing and just went inside for my burger. I could see her through the glass window, and my heart reached out for her but my mouth couldn’t. What was I to say to her? How could I comfort her? I don’t know her, what if she screams at me or what if it’s all an act, these days you have to be so careful, you can’t just trust people. I waited a few minutes for my burger and I started consulting with the Lord, I felt convicted to reach out to her but I was scared.

Maybe I should just walk up to her and say “Mam are you ok?” it seemed like the normal thing to do, any caring person would surely ask. I became anxious, I felt as if it was my duty to ask her if she needed help but I didn’t have the courage. I was after all dealing with my own insecurities. I went outside and sat down on the curb next to her, I greeted her and offered her half of my burger but she refused. We sat in silence for a moment and then she started opening up to me. At first it was a lot of anger, she started telling that her life was one big mess; she had been living on the streets since the age of 13, prostituting her body to older men. I was staring down at the pavement while she spoke and she asked me to look her in the face, her eyes were as green as the sea, she was actually a very beautiful woman.

She decided to turn her life around, she went on the internet and met a man, they fell in love and after six months they finally met. She wanted a fresh clean start and had disclosed her shameful past to her online love. The two planned a romantic get away for the weekend but he arrived with three of his friends instead. She was beaten and violated all weekend long, she just returned from the police station but she got no help from them. So there she sat. My burger was now cold, since she didn’t want eat, I didn’t feel right to eat in front of her. I asked her if she was serious about turning her life around and invited her to church. Immediately she declined the invitation, she didn’t need God, she needed love. I knew that nothing I would say in that moment would ease her pain. I got up and asked her if she had money to get home and told her to consider coming to church on Sunday and explained where the church was located.

When I arrived at church Sunday morning, she stood outside the gates smoking. She was dressed presentable but provocatively. I went to greet her and the first thing she asked was if she had time for another cigarette. I hooked in her arm and led her inside the church. While we were sitting in church her phone rang, she went outside to answer it, it was a customer, a married man, his wife had gone to church with the children and he needed her services but she switched off her phone and came back inside. The warm reception she got as she entered the church made a difference to her, as we entered the church doors, people were greeting us and welcoming us and she felt accepted. I didn’t see her again after that day. I didn’t know she started frequenting a church closer to her home. We met for coffee last week; she is a completely different person. I am embarrassed to admit I that I checked out her Facebook and saw she is friends with pastors and missionaries, I was quite shocked.

Sometimes when I lack the boldness to do something, like in this case, I was unprepared and didn’t know who to handle this woman, all I needed to do was to invite her to church and God did the rest. Sometimes God only requires us to do one small thing, He is the Savior after all, He will save the day, and the onus is never on you or me. He will be faithful to complete any good work.

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Aside by

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A colleague of mine died and I did her job as well as my job for almost nine months and when the position for that job finally opened up, I naturally applied but was declined. Instead they hired a lady with a degree; I only had a college diploma. I was obviously disappointed , I had been doing the job with no extra pay , I didn’t once complain , I put in lots of extra hours and  worked weekends , thinking my hard  labor would bear fruits but it was not to be so.

The new lady they employed seriously had the gift of the gab; she could talk her way out of anything. When I learnt she was a mother of four children, I thought to myself, God has His reasons; she probably needed the job more than me and that was the end of that but  for some reason this woman was intimidated by me .As far as I can gather she tried to make me feel inferior ,she would constantly boast , “oh they got me a brand new chair” and here I was sitting on the same old chair for four years already , “oh my new computer arrived yesterday” , “oh this job is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed” …was the little things she would say to try and annoy me ….After three months of working at the company she got a salary adjustment , now we were never close friends but she couldn’t wait to come show me how much she was earning now, that information is meant to be confidential, but she enjoyed upsetting me.

One morning we had a departmental meeting and in the meeting her boss got up and addressed me. “Bernadette, I apologize for not saying anything before, but you did not get the job you applied for because you did not meet the requirements, only a competent person with a degree can do this job”. How unprofessional, I though he should have told me that privately, I said nothing, I could feel how red my cheeks were, I felt so incompetent and the new lady had the biggest smirk on her face, it looked like she thoroughly enjoyed that moment.

Time moved on and I started picking up major discrepancies on the accounts and each time I brought it to her attention she accused me of sloppy workmanship and that my reporting had multiple errors. Now if there is one thing you best not try and do, it would be to tell me I made a mistake when I know I had the data to prove it. I dug harder and found even more irregularities and each time she would dismiss my reports and make me feel like an idiot.

One frosty Tuesday morning while she was ranting about some or other issue in the office, I sat back in my chair and took a long hard look at her and then the penny dropped. I was able to connect the dots, she was the one embezzling. It all made sense.

I went home and prayed about it, I knew she had kids, it would be very hard for me to expose her but she was taking huge sums of money and her manager couldn’t see through her camouflage but I did. I hesitated for days before I handed the information over and really took no joy in her falling from glory. Lucky for her the company took sympathy on her and did not press charges, but they did terminate her employment.

About a week later her manager approached me asking me if I could carry on doing the job until they decide what to do about the position. I know I should be humble at all times and my answer was probably wrong but I replied “No, I am not competent with a degree.” Confusion is not of God, I was so distraught and my mind was all over the place  because claimed I wasn’t doing my job right and that she  had to fix so many of my mistakes blah blah blah  but if I kept a clear head , I could have seen through this scam long ago.

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Confusion is not of God.

Confusion

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Obedience

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A few years ago I moved into an apartment which I shared with a woman called Maria.  Maria was a spinster heading well towards her fifties and still diligently praying and trusting to meet someone. This living arrangement wouldn’t work for me as she was constantly talking. I would get home from work and she would ambush me in the hall way as I was coming through the door, I understood she was lonely but she was very exhausting with her constant blabbering.

She would stand in my bedroom doorway at night talking for who knows how long and no amount of yawning would send any indication to her brain that I wanted to sleep. I couldn’t be mean to her , she was like a mother to me , when I went out with my fiance she would be sad and wait up for me to come , wanting to hear all about my evening . After a while the need arose for me to purchase a wardrobe, I was tired of living out of boxes. I scanned the local papers for second hand wardrobes and found something relatively close by the apartment.  So Maria and I was sitting in the living room when I phoned the advertiser about the wardrobe , she asked if she could come with me when I went to see it and I said no , I would ask my fiance to accompany me and she said she understood , but I could see her disappointment .

That night I couldn’t sleep , I felt so convicted to take her with me and it bothered me so much the next day at work that I ended up calling her and asked her if she would accompany later that evening , needless to say she was delighted . When I got home that night Maria was already dressed and waiting.

We arrived at the elderly couples home and you could see these people were poor, the wardrobe was really old and definitely not to my liking,so there was no chance in hell that I was buying it. Maria was on a mission of her own; she sat down and spoke to these people as if they were long lost friends. I tried to signal her with my eyes that we needed to leave but she paid me no attention. The lady offered us some ice tea and no matter what I said, Maria insisted that we stay and have some. The old man got up and told his wife to enjoy the company; he would go get the ice tea. A few seconds later we heard lots of glass breaking, he had dropped the tray and naturally all three of us hurried to the kitchen . The old man said that he was hungry, he was used to eating a certain time of the day, so the old lady asked if we mind if they ate and of cause Maria said “No! Go ahead we will have the tea, you eat your meal” and she planked herself down at the table pouring the four glasses of ice tea. Have you ever heard of people who over stay their welcome? Well Maria was one of those people.

What happened next left both Maria and I speechless, the old woman took out a tin of dog food, warmed it in the microwave and divided it into two portions and that was their dinner. Maria who had been chatting non stop since we arrived was now silent and I could see her swallowing her tears. I couldn’t bear to sit there and watch them eat, I immediately got up and said we needed to leave urgently, we drove to the nearest store and purchased groceries and before we took it to them, we stopped at the local Baptist Church, I knew they had a hot meal feeding scheme for old people and I needed to get their names on that list as soon as possible.

Maria’s life changed that night, since the elderly couple lived ten minutes away from our apartment, she found herself visiting there each day because she loved their company. No later than three days, after our meeting this elderly couple, their eldest son returned home. He had been struggling with a drug addiction for many years and he was discharged from a year long rehabilitation program , he came home to look after his parents and hopefully help them financially. This man had no hope of any woman wanting him, his skin was scared , his teeth ruined , he had lived on the streets for years  and did lots of things he wasn’t proud of , to support his drug habit and who did he meet ? He met Maria…who adored his humor and was willing to overlook his past.

Less than a year later, I was surprised to find a wedding invitation in my mail box, they are married and he started a plumbing business . The couple now run a support group for recovering drug addicts.

Obedience, sometimes you need to just do it, even though it doesn’t make sense, like they say our ways are not His ways.  I didn’t want to take Maria with me on that first night because I knew she would talk my head dizzy but in the end everything worked out the way it was meant to , she is a spinster no more , her prayer was heard and answered .

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