She Be Poopin’

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Today my son is eleven months old. I used to be torn between wanting to keep him a little 7lb bundle, but also wanting him to be a little boy with a beaming personality. I was so excited that I made this little fella, pushed him through my tiny crotch, and now I get to watch him grow.

I’m not torn anymore.

What once was a constantly sleeping blob that smelled like sweet milk and baby powder, is now a high pitched squealing, fast as shit crawling, getting into everything, solid food pooping almost one year old. He doesn’t even smell like milk anymore. He smells like cheezies most of the time. Just last week, the cat ate too fast and puked up unchewed food and I’m not kidding, my kid put a piece in his mouth! This wasn’t the first time he got his hands on cat food, but it was the first time it had already been ate once before. This isn’t a proud parenting moment for me.

I know there is so much more to come. We call my son “Dexter the Destroyer” and it’s a name that I can only assume will live on for many years. Girls like to play nicely with their dolls, and boys feel the need to Hulk smash everything before they even know who The Hulk is. His favourite game is to throw things. Anything. Toys, phones, dirty diapers, and spit out food are a few of his top choices. I don’t want to be that 90 year old in a 20 something body, but please get used to sitting on plastic wrapped furniture when you come visit because nothing is safe in this house.

Dexter is already mobile and climbing stairs every time I turn my head or take a pee, so I have decided to enjoy the last few months before he starts talking. Kids say the darnedest things and I have this gut feeling I will have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do when the time comes. Children don’t lie and they love to express themselves. I was going to a baby group last fall and one woman said she was walking through the mall with her two year old and he said “Mom, why is that woman so ugly?” Right in front of the woman. How do you respond to this?

When I was just a young chicken, my mom was in the bathroom when the phone rang. She told me to quickly answer it and she would be there in a minute. So I did. I also told the person on the other end that she couldn’t come to the phone because “she be poopin’.” I TOLD THAT TO THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THAT PHONE CALL. To my mothers relief, it was my father calling for her. Even more relieving to know it was my dad since she was expecting a call from the bank or something along those lines of importance. To be honest, I don’t even know if it was number two. She could very well have been going number one. I blame this on her. Why would she let such a young unpredictable child answer the phone anyway?! It was really a bad move on her part and I personally feel I did exactly what I was told…

My mom has told this story many times and when she answers the phone to this day, she still gets asked (by more than just my father) if it took so long to pick up because she be poopin’. Who would have thought that I would have a fear of my child learning to talk because of my own doing? Things like this are going to happen to me, and you can bet your sweet ass they are going to happen to you too. Good luck explaining yourself when your cute kid asks you why he is taller than the man (little person) next to him, or asks you what is on that persons face (birthmark). These are two true stories as well.

I see all you pregnant women and new moms out there. I am putting the fear in you! There is no reason I should be the only one thinking these thoughts. I do apologize if I triggered your gag reflex on the cat puke comment though. Everyone tells you to enjoy your little ones now. They aren’t telling you it’s because they are going to find a new way to practically give you a heart attack tomorrow.

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Stranger Danger

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This month marks four years since I moved away from the comforts of my home to start a life with a boy I was pretty sure I was in love with. Turns out I was and we are married now. Phew! It also marks four years since I had the worst (and only) roommate experience of my life. Let me tell you a little story…

I checked out a few places that were looking for roommates via Kijiji. Yes, it may sound a little creepy but at least I visited these people beforehand and never went alone! Jeremie always came with me just in case someone was planning on murdering the person that responded to their ads. I ended up choosing a place with two other girls around my age. After talking to them for a bit I felt like it would be a good fit for me. I thought I would move to a new city and my new roommates could become lifelong friends. Nope.

My very first weekend staying in my new place, Becky invited me to join her and some friends for her birthday. It was all fine and dandy until she started flirting with a guy at the bar who wasn’t her boyfriend (her MARRIED boyfriend). Somehow news got back to him and things took a turn. Becky had upset him and we ended up back at our house where I would start regretting the people I chose to live with.

Becky rarely drank, but when she did she chose a wonderful concoction of Jack Daniels and Sourpuss. Shitfaced on whisky, she needed someone to blame for her boyfriend troubles. Hello! With a pointed finger inches away from my face, it was my fault. I was the one who called her boyfriend (who’s name I didn’t know, never mind his phone number) and told him she was flirting with other guys at the bar. Next thing I know, she grabs a 5 foot mirror off of the wall and shatters it on the ground. Shards of broken glass are covering the carpeted hallway and she starts throwing pieces down the stairs while yelling about her terrible life. Normally, I would have given Jeremie a call to come pick me up so I could stay at his house for the night but he was out of town. So naturally, I told her to calm the f*** down, closed my bedroom door and prayed that she didn’t cut my throat with mirror chunks while I slept.

The next morning she apologized, but in a way that was no big deal. Like it happens all the time. I accepted her apology and hoped that her knowing I thought she was a psycho was good enough. I should have known I was in a bad situation right from the start. My very first night here, Becky was crying because her boyfriends wife had just had a baby. This isn’t the kind of drama I care for.

Jeremie was going away for a few days on a work trip and gave me the key to his condo while he was gone. He knew how uncomfortable I was at Becky’s and allowed me to stay at his place alone while he was away. We would talk on the phone about us living together (this was only weeks into our relationship) and it didn’t sound like a bad idea. One day I was at work and relaying my shattered mirror story to my boss who told me “You need to leave work right now and pack up your shit. Get the hell out of there!” So with my two roommates not being home, I packed up my things and moved into Jeremie’s place.

It was very last minute when I moved out but Becky needed a months notice. I told her to keep my damage deposit because I was already gone but I would be keeping her key seeing as how she was kind of forcing me to live there for another months time.

One day while I was getting dressed, I couldn’t seem to find my watch. I looked everywhere and all of a sudden I had a flash back from my first days with my roommates. Becky had warned me “Feel free to put a lock on your door because Ashley takes shit.” I didn’t take this too seriously at the time. I barely unpacked any of my boxes anyway so I didn’t exactly have much laying around. Jeremie and I devised a plan to go to the house, make sure nobody was home, and I would use my key to go into Ashley’s room and grab my watch if she happened to have taken it. In and out, done. Wrong.

When I opened the door to Ashley’s bedroom, it was like walking into my own. There was perfumes, lotions, nail polishes, makeup and card games that all belonged to me. I couldn’t believe it. I opened her closet to find it filled with my clothes. We weren’t even close to the same size but she had taken my clothing anyway. I got on my hands and knees to start digging around for more of my belongings and that is when I found my underwear. MY UNDERWEAR! Who in their right mind steals someones underwear?! I snapped.

I made numerous trips from Ashley’s bedroom to Jeremie’s vehicle where he was waiting for me outside, with my hands full of things I was taking back. I didn’t notice any of my stuff was missing because I hadn’t unpacked. She went through my boxes while I was away at work! Making sure I found everything that was mine, I rummaged and trashed her bedroom. The only thing I didn’t find was my watch.

Later that day, Ashley came home and called the cops on me because I broke into her room. She tried explaining to the officer that I didn’t live there and had no right, where I had to tell him that I didn’t want to live there, but unfortunately I had to for another month. I had every right to be in that house. The police officer basically told Ashley she was in the wrong. She was an idiot and he couldn’t believe she wasted his time by calling him. He told me there was nothing else he could do and I was fine with that so I went home. My real home, with Jeremie where I should have been all along.

While putting my things away (and throwing half of them out because I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea that she had had them), I was deep in my own closet finding a place for the things I had no idea were missing… And then I found my watch. I had it the entire time.

I usually like to add a few photos to go with my story, but I have zero. I think there once was a few floating around Facebook on Ashley’s page but obviously she blocked me after our little mishap. Here is a picture of my cat instead:

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Actually, this picture can work. We got Marlo right after I moved in with Jeremie and lived happily ever after. She’s pleased that I got the hell out of Becky and Ashley’s.

Goodbye Forever, I Have Netflix

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It has been a while since I posted any stories other than my makeup looks. It has been a busy month which I find very surprising since I basically have no life. Now that I think about it, my lack of excitement is what is keeping me so occupied. Dexter has been keeping me busy for hours on end, and I don’t mean my son. Netflix is a terrible, wonderful thing and I will win a contest to finish a TV series faster than you. I will bet money.

I know, I know. Everyone has already watched Dexter and I am behind the times but Jeremie and I have finally sat down and put in hours of screen time to complete the task. It takes serious dedication to do so. You have to quit taking care of yourself, you have to neglect all children and pets and hope they can figure things out for themselves in the meantime. I haven’t been blogging because Jeremie gets home from work and we have no time for other activities. Suppers have consisted of casseroles because I consider them “living room food.” This means it is easy to eat. Knives and other fancy utensils aren’t needed so they don’t have to be consumed at the kitchen table.

Netflix controls me. During my binge watching phases, I lose sleep. I have no desire to do anything else. I either get fat or skinny depending on whether I have food in the house that I mindlessly eat while in my hypnotized state, or if I can’t remember the last time I went grocery shopping and Ritz crackers are all I have ate in days. I think a lot of people that are familiar with binge watching like I am, dream about the show when (and if) they bother to sleep at night. Dexter dreams could really mess a person up. Visions of blood and serial killers aren’t the scariest thing I have dreamt lately though. The other night I had a dream that I continued to watch episodes by myself while Jeremie was at work. Ahhhh! Cue music that you hear in horror films and picture Jer and I signing off on divorce papers. Now that is a nightmare.

Jeremie and I can go six months at a time with no visitors. Our family doesn’t live near us (and we can’t manage to make friends when we are holed up in our house) so it is not very often that we must entertain. Oh what do you know?! We start something like 8 seasons of 12 episodes each that are almost an hour long and all of a sudden we have people knocking on our door wanting hospitality. I spend my free time begging my friends and family to come for visits and NOW they decide to come? It’s a blessing in disguise I suppose. My skin isn’t grey when I look in the mirror because company forces me to open my blinds and experience sunlight, but they really are cutting into my Netflix time (which is all the time).

It’s an emotional ride once you get hooked. The odd time I see human life other than my husband and child, I talk to them as if the events that played out in the last 5 episodes are real. I lay in bed at night and ask Jeremie “Can you believe that actually happened? I just can’t get over it!” My son will be scarred for life because he was raised on television shows that involved serial killers (not to mention The Walking Dead seasons I watched before this). Then all at once, it will be over. I will have no idea what to do with myself. It will be a gaping hole that will take weeks to get over just like it did with Breaking Bad, but I know I will be okay. My life is important and I have shit to do like feed my cats and vacuum.

Jeremie and I are racing against the clock to finish a season and a half before we leave for a much needed trip to Arizona, so hopefully I can get my life back soon. I have so many things to blog about that nobody will care to hear, just like this post.

All I See is Blue – Makeup Look of the Day

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Today I thought I would have a little fun and do something that a lot of people wouldn’t normally consider.. I decided to attempt blue lips. I admit, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere with blue lips but once I had it on it looked really cool! It was a lot of blue, but really easy to wipe off and apply a neutral shade so my face didn’t look completely ridiculous when I ran a few errands. My blue eyeshadow alone might be too much for some people (but I am willing to go anywhere with my eye makeup – simple or outrageous).

For my eyes I used Smashbox’s On the Rocks Palette, and on my lips I used a blue eyeliner pencil from Annabelle and completely filled my lips in with it because, surprise! I don’t own an actual blue lipstick, you crazies.

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Solstice Sparkle – Makeup Look of the Day

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I recently purchased Urban Decay’s Solstice eyeshadow and the colour is the coolest thing I have ever seen. It is a berry colour, with green sparkles so depending on the way you move your face, you will see different colours. I was so excited to use it, but must say that I couldn’t pack it on as much as would have liked. There is also a lot of fall out with the sparkles, so make sure to apply your eyeshadow before your foundation if you are going to use it.

I used Smashbox’s Double Exposure palette underneath the Solstice shadow for a base, and applied Solstice to the centre of my eyelids. On my lips I used a NYX eye pencil in the colour Rust because it matched perfectly and then I topped it off with some more Solstice. It was a different look to have speckles of green glitter on my lips but it looked awesome!

As usual, the pictures don’t do it justice. How can I prove how amazing a red and green glittery shadow looks in a picture?!

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All Gold Errrrrthing – Makeup Look of the Day

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I feel like a rockstar in these pictures. The deep side part in my hair helped, because my luscious locks flowed to one side (and only flowed long enough for the selfies I took and then it was flat and not very nice looking).

I recently purchased a very gold NYX glam lipstick. It’s so gold, I wouldn’t even consider it a normal lipstick colour (you know, they are coming out with blues and lavenders and I feel like this one could be classified as a crazy colour)  but I was so excited about it. After I had it on, I thought it looked decent and went out in public so it wasn’t too crazy.

I will be wearing this look again. Mainly because I love the lipstick, but also because it was super quick. I am getting more comfortable with looks that don’t involve my signature thick winged eyeliner and thats a big step. My makeup doesn’t take as long on the days I don’t wear eyeliner too so thats a bonus. I decided to be matchy-matchy and do a gold eye as well. I was going to go crazy with bronzer to really amp up my gold, but realized I didn’t want to get out of hand. I still had places to go that day.

The eyeshadow I used was a gold out of my Smashbox On the Rocks palette. I really hate that I am getting so used to false lashes that when I don’t wear them, I feel like I have bald eyelids. The lipstick in the pictures doesn’t look as crazy as I am making it sound and that is disappointing.. It really is a very gold, pigmented colour.

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Neon Orange Lips – Makeup Look of the Day

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I know I know, they look red in the pictures. They’re not! They are bright beautiful orange and I love them. I went crazy and bought a few new lipsticks from NYX and so far I am really impressed. I kept my eye makeup simple because my lips are such a bright pop of colour. I used a cream coloured shadow all over my lid, and a light brown in the crease to add dimension. I then took a shimmery white shadow and used my finger to dab it on the centre of my lids before I lined my eyes with Benefit Cosmetics They’re Real gel liner.

I lined my lips with Annabelle’s Coral lip pencil and I am wearing NYX matte lipstick in Indie Flick. It stayed put all day so I was thrilled because I am a messy eater and a lip licker.

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Fertile Myrtle

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Pregnancy tests taken in the last two weeks: Three. They were all negative. I even spaced them out with a few days in between each of them just in case I was taking them too early.

My body has been telling me I am pregnant. One symptom after another and I started to panic. I ran to the store to buy some tests, with an eight month old baby on my hip. I think there is a confidentiality agreement to not mention anything, and also an agreement to give a sympathetic nod to a woman with a young baby in her arms and one possibly in her uterus, meaning “Shit girl, you’re gonna have your hands full.”

Jeremie sits me down and tells me it is impossible to get pregnant without having sex. I am mad for two reasons. The first reason being the fact that I remember removing my Fruit of the Looms on numerous occasions, but apparently it isn’t memorable enough for him to think it was just yesterday. The second reason is that he is wrong. I’m not a scientist, but now that I have made one baby with this body I think I am fertile Myrtle. I am pretty sure if Jeremie even looks at me I am going to get pregnant.

Reasons I believed I was pregnant (and still think three tests are lying to me):

Bloody nose – I never get them, but I did when I was pregnant
Bleeding gums – I am a daily flosser, keeping that gingivitis away so these gums are usually tough
Emotional – Pretty sure I was watching MTV and started crying at something Snooki said
Nausea – Nothing new. If I eat too much or too little I am dying, but still…
Zits – I usually have great skin! My face is breaking out, but so is my back! I got terrible back zits when I was pregnant
Tired – Dexter’s naps are a time for me to get things done around the house. Not anymore because I am exhausted
No period – I am still breastfeeding so I know it can take a while for it to return, but they say once your baby starts sleeping through the night it will come back sooner. Dex has been sleeping through the night for four months! They also say if you supplement with formula at all it will come back sooner. Dex has got a night time bottle of formula for four months! They also say once your baby is eating food, it will come back sooner. Do I even have to say it?!
I am also on the Micro pill and it has to be taken within the same 15 minutes every day or else it is ineffective. I don’t take it within the same 15 minutes.

There is a chance this is all happening to me because my body is returning to normal. But when I took each of those tests, there was a part of me that was disappointed every time they came up negative. I asked Jeremie what he would think if I were to become pregnant so soon after having our first child. To my surprise he would be excited! He’s in his thirties so the sooner we can have our children the better.

The only thing stopping me from getting pregnant with our second child (besides my lack of a period) are a couple of weddings I need to attend this spring and summer. It’s never fun being sober at a wedding. But if a little marriage were to happen between one of Jeremie’s sperms and one of my beautiful eggs, we would be thrilled. There is a place in my subconscious that wants to be pregnant so bad that I probably wouldn’t even have to tell this child he was an accident.

How can a person not want more of these things called babies?

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My Husband is Better Than Your Husband

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Valentines Day was this past weekend and my husband is better than your husband. Jeremie has always been pretty good with gifts but what I received this year is by far the best present I have ever been given.

We have a tradition for Valentines Day that involves a lot of junk food. Our gifts to each other usually consist of snacks because nothing says romance like kissing your lover with Cheeto dust all over your face. Jeremie buys me all of the chocolate in the world because he is scared I will kick him out of the house if I don’t get any. This assumption is backed up by a normal Friday night where I told him to come home with chocolate or don’t come home at all. He goes to the chocolate factory and buys me chocolate covered strawberries every year. I get flowers (never roses because he knows I don’t care for them). My favourite part is the effort he puts into these gifts. He buys me chocolates and candies from the store and takes the time to put all of them into tiny little bags covered in hearts. He doesn’t buy them like that, he is just that adorable!

The main part of my gift this year was a book. It is called What I Love About You and is about ninety pages long. The entire book is personalized. The book asks questions like “I first knew I loved you when…” and “I was proud to know you when…” and “One of my favourite stories about you is…” It even asks questions about our saddest moment together (Early on in my pregnancy with Dexter we thought we were miscarrying, I cried then and I cried reading about how much it affected myself and Jeremie). There are a few pages where Jeremie had to draw pictures of what his insides look like when he sees me, and what his life would look like without me.

For almost two months, Jeremie has secretly been filling out this book. It is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. The effort he put into this blows me away and I am so grateful for it. While reading it, I experienced so many emotions. I cried at the wonderful moments and the sad moments, and I laughed for most of the book. It brings back so many memories of when we first started dating, and it also lets Jeremie’s personality shine. Some of the questions can be pretty stupid but he answered them anyway knowing I would get a laugh. “The next fortune cookie you will get will say: Your husband is hot. Do him.” Also “If you were something found in a kitchen you would be: A fridge, because you’re cool.” Trust me, this book is romantic. The entire thing isn’t just questions about what flavour of soup he thinks I am.

One of my favourite parts about this book is not only getting to read his favourite moments and memories with me, but some of the questions he answered lets me know how I make him feel. For example, one of the questions states “This is a time I didn’t feel loveable but you loved me anyway:” Another one says “You made me feel appreciated when…” Not only do I feel amazing because I get to read a book full of compliments about myself, but also because I make him feel amazing. It truly is the most special feeling to get insight on how I make him feel.

Jeremie and I have always had a very close relationship and this book made our bond even stronger. If any men are reading this, you must buy this for your wives. She will love you even more because of it. You must take the time to fill it out and answer every question because it will mean the world to her. I felt like I had let Jeremie down because he gave me such a wonderful gift and all I had given him was a DVD he wanted, some cheesecake, and a couple of topless pictures, but it turns out men want different things. Apparently topless pictures for a man are the equivalent to a personalized love book for women (so I did good!). Now you know what to get your significant other for Valentines Day next year to make it the best one yet.

A few pictures below of my fabulous day: Dexter’s first Valentines Day, my loot Jeremie got me, and a few pictures from my amazing book. I would love to show you every page but a good chunk of it is very personal and I enjoy having those special moments just between the two of us.

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Soft Pink for Valentines Day – Makeup Look of the Day

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Today I decided to do a Valentines Day inspired look considering Valentines Day is this Saturday. I went with a more girly vibe than a dark smokey sexy look. I think I will do a smokey Valentines Day look next.

I used shadows from a Smashbox photo op trio. I don’t know the names of the shadows off by heart (I will look if anyone is wondering) but it has a light pink, dark grey, and an eggplant purple in it.

I used the grey on a fluffy brush and swept it across my crease, then with a smaller denser brush I applied some of the purple to my crease, but kept it on the outer part of my crease. I wet a brush and packed on the light pink to my lids. I finished off with my signature winged eyeliner with Benefit Cosmetics They’re Real gel liner. I just used a pink lip gloss on my lips, but I think I would have rather used my NYX cosmetics matte lip cream in a light pink since the whole look is pretty matte.

I have been giving my lashes a break from falsies for quite a while now since I was tired of having to pick glue out of them, but I need to start wearing falsies again because it makes your eye makeup look so much better.

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