I was looking through this magazine called the cure..the cure is a magazine that is free to cancer patients or survivors..has tons of information about advanced treatment options stories from surviors and people going through treatments.. all you have to do is go to the website and sign up and you will get the magazine at home for free..I signed up and I get a copy every month. the web site is http://www.curetoday.com. you should go check it out…….

But any ways my point about the magazine is ..I was reading an article in the cure magazine and the title of it was what is my “new normal”.. and it got me to thinking..I wonder what my “new normal” is…well what we meaning cancer survivors and people currently going through treatments. feel like after and during treatments…basically we are no longer like our old selves.. most of us have no energy and still have good and bad days.. I know I personally do.. I can have a ton of energy one day..and ill go out and do something fun..but boy ill sure pay for it the next day cause ill be wiped out and not want to get out of bed..its terrible.. its hard for to keep up with my family cause they are constantly on the go..doing somethimg from sun up to sun down they crash..I guess you can say they play hard lol…for me also its hard to see people with kids cause there is a chance i may never be able to have kids..that is a side effect of chemotherapy.. it sucks but im still coming to terms with it..i some times become teary eyed over the fact, cause it’s not just  it that bothers me it’s also that I don’t really have a sex drive anymore..so if I don’t have that then how am i going to have kids then..ok well enough of talking about that cause im going to start to cry about it lol.. most of the time before my check ups i live in FEAR of recurrence..its not just then that i feel that FEAR it’s all the time cause when every little thing feels weird in my body i tend to freak out. only because i think its my body telling me there is something wrong with me…i was so fear full in the begining…then i realized the only way to survive was to put my faith in god and that he will take care of me..and its true..cause i now have peace with everything!

ive also had people make me feel guilty that im still alive..they become angry and argumentative and say why did you have to survive and my family member/ friend had to die..my response is always God has a plan for everyone and sometimes their time is up and God just needs them, more than we do…needless to say I no longer talk to the negative people..ive already have too much negativity in my life and I don’t need anymore of theirs….ok well no more about negative people i can feel their presence. :: brushes off my shoulders:: ok i feel much better now.. anyways they meaning the doctors tell you about late side effects of going through treatments..like for one that I experience neuropathy sometimes in my toes after being on my feet for a long time..i also have no feeling in my left ear only cause they cut a nerve in my neck when they were doing the biopsy….but i guess that’s the price to pay to get better and to be able to live..50 years longer then expected..

I Guess all in all that is my “New Normal”

i just happend to be browsing trough my yahoo email. which i never use by the way. Along with other countless email addreses i have that i no longer use.. wow i guess i just went off on a rant lol.. as Flow says ” It happens to me all the time.” which by the way it does. Its probably why when i start to talk everyones eyes start to glaze over. at that point you can tell they are no longer  there with you. they are probably off in space some where flying around some other planet. when i see that look i immediately get so frustrated and say “how rude” and i stomp away,like a little kid having a temper tantrum. sense my memory is so bad. due to a rocky hill accident i had when i was a kid and to top it all off im still in a fog from my chemo treatments 2 years ago. they call it chemo brain. but because of both of those things i dont remember half of my childhood and when i have a conversation with someone it goes in and out and i don’t remeber ever having one with that person.. its terrible i have to write things important down cause i will forget about it. so even though i stomp away from someone i probably in a couple of hours will not remember what i was talking about anyways..ive tried everything from brain exercises to playing little kid memory games to make things better. which in away is kinda helping..ive also had many brain scans as well. and they have all come back normal. to me i dont know what is wrong with me. but anyways im so ranting right now so im getting off of the soap box once agian.

My day began with a cup of coffee.
And with great courage I cleaned up my apartment…including my dirty kitchen…which to my culinary expertise it now looks like something exploded everywhere…it has been a long day ..I braved the stores at least five times cause I had forgotten a couple of items when I went the first time..what had become of my cooking Adventure today was this.

Strawberry short cake ..me photo bombing the little cakes.

Lemon blueberry walnut bread…this is a picture of the first two I made .

Lemon blueberry white chocolate chip cookies.
I guess I was in the mood for lemons today.
In the middle of cooking these delicious lemon cookies and bread ..I thought to my self ..why dont I save some of this cooking for tomorrow…even though that thought was quite a nice thought ..I remembered how busy I was going to be with thanksgiving dinner at my sisters house and work in the evening after that..so with that nice thought I tucked it away and continued to cook my heart out till I could cook no more..
So with all this said and done I want to wish you all a happy and healthy thanksgiving.

I constantly feel like im doing the chicken  dance or the hokey pokey. I run circles all the time doing the same
stuff every day. I feel like its time to break free. Figure
something else out. I go into work and do the same routine day after day and its getting old. Im tired of it.ok well enough of my complaints ..im getting off of the soap box..now its someone else’s turn.

Well for starters I didn’t get off of work
morning.. it was a long tiring night at work..the bosses were whipping their whips and expected me to do every thing. When they know its impossible for just one person to do it all. So when I left I threw up the middle finger and said peace out …well in all reality I didn’t do that cause:
1. I need my job
2. I need the money for my bills
3. How the hell would I be able to feed my dog. let alone myself.
Well anyways im rambling on agian. When I finally made my way home. I sat in my car and tried to get up enough courage to walk my tired over worked self up the flight of stairs..to my boyfriends apartment…which in a couple of months will be my new home…me and my little man (my dog) will be starting a new journey…well it seems like thats all we have been doing for the last couple of years..its been one adventure after the next…im hoping that this one will last a lifetime..but we will see…I see myself as a free spirit…if I could go wherever the wind takes me I would do it …but I know we all have to grow up sometime..and I belive the grow up part happen years ago, when my mother passed away from cancer…I had to grow up and help take care of my little brother that was a baby at the time. Now he’s 21 and has his whole life ahead of him…I sure do hope he lives it to the fullest and realizes that family is always family no matter what….only cause we all have been touched or affected by cancer in some way…we all know how precious life can be and how in a split second everything can change. Well enough of my ramblings for now. Like Duckie says in the movie pretty in

pink “Im off like a dirty shirt.” Good night and I bid you all farewell till

tomorrow
B.stalker