So for those of you who have asked, I have NOT been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. Thank God. I have been diagnosed with a really ugly sounding disease, that really has no ugly effects. Thin Basement Membrane disease. Sexy huh? Considering my grandmother had kidney disease and my dad had testicle cancer, I will gladly take this one!
Posted in Warts
Don’t worry hipster chef dressed in your finest, with the name of your high dollar restaurant embroidered on your chest, I will never tell anyone about the crate of store bought cheesecakes that I saw you carting out….
Posted in Random Observations
I was taking a bath this morning. The house was empty. I sat there and soaked until the water became cold. I don’t know if I even got around to washing anything, I was too lost in the sublime peace of warm water and being surrounded by quiet.
It wasn’t always this way. I was a single mom of three boys for quite some time (hell, even when I was married I felt like a single mom) My parenting style is probably a little unorthodox. I am a weird balance of free spirit and staunch rule follower. As my then 18 year old son said as I flushed his weed down the toilet,” You have everyone fooled. They think you’re a cool hippy mom but you’re not. You’re a dictator!” I just smiled and went back to reading my tarot cards.
I wasn’t always that calm. There was one particular incident that I remember that may have scarred them for life. After a demanding day at a job I hated, I stopped at the convienience store for cat food, came home, changed clothes, made dinner, took them to their various extra curricular activities , listened to them fight over who’s turn it was to get the front seat, picked them all back up and endured the whining as I told them for the 18th time that we were not stopping at Mc Donald’s for late night cheeseburgers.
By this time, all I wanted was a hot bath and 20 minutes to myself. I told them this and headed to my sanctuary. Not 30 seconds after I had turned off the water immersed myself into the steaming hot bath, did the door knock. “Mom, blah, blah blah blah?” I have no idea what the question was but I explained that I would be out in few minutes and politely asked them to leave me alone until then. The interruptions kept coming, I kept telling them to go away, the frustration level showing more and more in my voice with each response. Then I hear it. The tumbling, the yelling, the dog barking, the fighting. Three boys between the ages of 7 and 11 going at it. So I did what I’m sure June Cleaver would have done. I flung open the door with the dramatic flair of a thespian queen. The operatic sound of my scream startled them all to stop what they were doing and despite seeing the horror on their faces, I stood there completely naked, covered in bubbles from head to toe with black mascara running down my face and said ” Is this what you wanted? Was this the game along? Well, you win! Here I am in all my naked glory, losing my mind! Do you feel better now?”
Funny, my baths were rarely interrupted after that…
I have always hated the question that pops up on social media sights, or in random conversations. “What are your pet peeves?” To me, pet peeves are my pet peeves – lighten up people! That being said I woke up with one in my head, so much for the higher ground….
I have a true disdain for evangelists who try to force their opinions or values on me. This can come in the form of religion, vegetarianism , politics etc. I appreciate passion, and I understand that when you think you’ve found the way, you feel you need to convert everyone to your way of thinking. I spent half my life as an evangelistic Pentecostal Christian and my life’s mission was to “save” the world. I try to give most people a pass, because I understand that it comes from a place of misguided love, but I also understand that it comes from a place of arrogance. A haughty place that assumes I am on a higher level than you are. The Universe has chosen to reveal it’s secrets to me and not you. In reality, even though it is hidden under the guise of love for your fellow man it is actually judgement at it’s purest level.
We are each on our own path. It is not our job to judge each other. I believe that the we will grow and learn and take the path we are supposed to be on (sometimes in spite of ourselves) My path, as glorious as it is, as right as it feels, is not your path. Judgement and Love are in complete opposite ends of the spectrum. If you truly want to impact the world, love more, the rest will take care of itself.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them”
Mother Teresa
Posted in Random Observations
Boy am I fighting it today. It seems like more days than not I am struggling with this demon. Depression, a battle I’ve been fighting most of my life. I guess in reality, I’m not “fighting” it today at all. I took my pills and a shower, that’s about it. I’m too tired to get dressed. Too weighed down to do anything but lay around. All I want to do is sleep, but I know I won’t be able too, besides I know it won’t do any good.
I’m sure the stress is adding to it. I’ve got a lot to do. A lot that should be on my mind, but in rebellion, my mind just seems to shut down. Restaurant opening in two days. I’ve only heard from my partner once in two weeks.License’s need renewed. Taxes need paid. Checks need to be covered. My CAT scan shows no stones, which means they are going to have to do some evasive tests. I hate that they keep saying bladder cancer. I’m afraid my oldest son is drinking way too much. He lost his apt and is moving back here. My middle son just discovered his pregnant wife was cheating on him…again, and yet had to let her stay or watch her move miles away with our granddaughter and unborn child. My youngest child is lost and I’m afraid he won’t find his way. Rent is due and there is no money there. I have friends who are calling in their loans and I have nothing to give them but promises.
Thank God I have Troy, who is keeping me sane (relatively) and promising me that we are going to get through all this. I wish my physical reaction to all this was to fight and fight hard but for some reason my fucking body just shuts down. Troy shouldn’t have to carry me or take on responsibilities that aren’t his. I feel like an added burden to his life. Praying tomorrow is a better day.
Posted in Warts
When ancient Greek armies traveled across the sea to do battle, the first thing they would do after landing was to burn the boats, leaving them stranded. With no way to make it home besides victory, the resolve of the soldiers was strengthened. When success and failure are the only options, you have no choice but to follow through.
I just read this today as I was doing some research on overcoming fear. T. thinks that in a past life he may have been a Sea Captain. After reading this, I’m beginning to think I may have been one to.
When I look over the last 44 years of my life, I’m often baffled at my courage. I’ve never thought of myself as a strong person, more like a timid little mouse who runs at the first sign of trouble.
In my early 30’s I left a 13 year marriage, my church and my social support system, with no education, no work experience, no plan. On my own without the support of family or even one friend. I burned the boat. There was no going back.
As I neared 40, I left a lucrative corporate position to pursue a dream. From Project Manager to Personal Chef with no culinary degree, no job offers, no 401K or guaranteed paychecks. I burned the boat, forcing me to succeed. I had no other choice.
After a couple of years of Personal Cheffing, I took a management position in a local restaurant. It became obvious that I would not be able to secure a future working for someone else in a small independently owned brunchette, so with T.’s encouragement, we decided to go into business for ourselves. We burned the boat.
This boat burning seams a little scarier, or maybe it only feels this way because I am in the midst of it. Investor’s were involved this time. Other people counting on me to be successful. I’m looking back at the shore for an escape but there is none. I HAVE to make this work. I WANT to make this work. I WILL make this work. …but if the universe happens to send I life raft in my direction, I may be tempted to use it.
Posted in Me
From time to time, I’m going to answer questions from a Life Makeover workbook, I came across recently. Today’s writing assignment. IMAGINE that you could spend an entire day being a child again, without any responsibilities or worries. What would you do?
I would play. I would run and skip and dance. Put on a colorful skirt and spin in circles until I fell down laughing. I wouldn’t spend one moment inside. I’d roll down hills, climb trees and swing so high that my feet would reach the clouds. It’s not that you don’t care what people think at that age, it’s even better. You are completely unaware that judgement even exists! Blissfully innocent….
Posted in Journal Question
I love old things. 99 percent of my home and my wardrobe has been purchased from flea markets, thrift stores and auctions. Thankfully T. has the same obsession so our weekends are often spent digging through piles of someones discarded things looking for the inevitable treasures. We have collected a lot of paintings, many just left by the roadside for the trash man to take away. I can’t display them all but we have a closet full. I like to bring them out and switch them around when the mood strikes me. I pulled this one out today. I got it at thrift store years ago and have always loved it. It’s entitled flower child and signed Thomas Smiley 1977. The back has a poem written by Thomas. It captures the disillusionment of the era. I wonder if Thomas gave up completely on the dreams of a world changed through peace and love. I wonder if while sitting in his office wearing a suit and tie if he still feels a sense of loss. I wonder if his children knew that he was once a flower child…
Here is a small excerpt from the poem that is written on the back:
Flower Child – Thomas Smiley 1977
I can explain the life and style
of the long-gone flower child:
He had dreamed of the way
it could have been some day,
but the dream was not a lode star;
he saw things as they are.
Posted in Uncategorized
T. often cautions me not to tell everyone everything about me. It’s his protective nature. He doesn’t want anyone to have reason to think badly about me. Hey, neither do I. I want everyone to adore me ❤ but the key word is me, the authentic me. Like every other human being I share this earth with, I am a work in progress. My flaws are as much a part of me as my understated charm. But in reality I do have an “image” that I need to protect as a new business owner. Fuck. (yes, I say that often) So I’m starting this blog so I can get these thoughts out of my head and not worry about who may be listening. I’m not even sure if I’ll share it or not. Oh who am I kidding, I probably will. I’m sure someday I will write something that I think someone out there will relate too and I’ll put it out there so that they can give me a pat on the back and say “Dear Anonymous Blogger, You are brilliant, funny, real and oh so lovable”
Posted in Me
Between the Gutter and the Stars 