i’ve been seeing these ads for AI-driven/-enhanced/-altered photos on phones or apps. they are able to delete ‘distractions’ from photos you take on the street for the best aesthetically pleasing/cleanest shot — a street lamp? street wires? a car too close? a random guy passing a pedestrian crosswalk? gone! erased!

but is that what we really want to capture?

call me old-fashioned (because yes i’m old) but isn’t it amazing that when you look at your photo albums after years of not seeing them, you notice other things in the background? or doesn’t that blurry photo remind you how hard you were laughing at the party and THAT’S WHY it’s blurry?

i don’t know… i just feel like capturing these ‘imperfect’ photos is the only real way to capture reality. not the filtered and altered ones we put on our social media stream.

jarannn!!! marso na!

huling post ko dito ay setiyembre pa pala. ano’ng ganap? well, lahat!

bago na ang trabaho ko. no, i didn’t resign. i was re-assigned to a different post. something i’m not sure i’m even capable and equipped to do well.

aside from the self-doubt, schedule-keeping has never been my strong suit. so i take things as they are every day. which, as some sort of ‘manager’, is not a very good thing to do. management requires planning and foresight — two things i’m not very good at!

and yes, i’m back to my old habits pre-hospitalization. i am trying, though.

tapos punong-puno pa ng kung ano-ano ang utak ko. oh, i have been journaling regularly until i wasn’t. i guess that shows my state of mind na din? sabaw. halo-halo. lutang.

may gamot ako sa hypertension at diabetes. sa lutang na utak, wala pa.

hindi pa ako naiinip sa last Christmas party planning, -ber months na naman?! ganoon lang yata talaga kapag tumatanda, bumibilis o bumabagal ang panahon, depende kung ano yung kailangan mong gawin. yung kapag nag-hihintay ka ng masasakyan pauwi, parang ang tagaaaaaal bago dumating yung susunod na punong jeep/FX. pero kapag may deadline, ambilis ng oras! kakasabi lang ng boss mo alas 10 ng umaga na deadline ng 5pm today, paglingon mo sa relo, 4 o’clock na!

parang andami ko na din naka-plano para sa quarter na ‘to pero biglang Sept 8 na. tapos isang iglap magiging katapusan na ng buwan! *insert anxiety attack here*

wala eh. nabubuhay lang ako sa opisina para mag-Facebook, lazada, at magkape. kasi kung trabaho ang aatupagin ko, wala na mangyayari sa buhay ko.

i kid of course. all these ‘distractions’ keep me going while i work. they don’t ‘waste’ my time. the opposite is true… they make me connect to those who matter. i bond over coffee with my officemates, talk about their latest ideas and research over it. i buy online stuff for my son who’s been asking me for that glow in the dark flashlight for ages. and my facebook is my only means to connect with my faraway colleagues, learning social media content (because i’ve been transferred to a new desk).

all these distractions have kept me going, not realizing that it’s the start of the Philippines’ Christmas Season. ambilis lang talaga ng panahon. andami ko pang dapat matutunan.

i don’t know how or why but the old binocular toys in the 90s, the “ViewMaster” just came to my mind, making me recall how much i enjoyed looking at the different views in it.

we never owned the toy. our neighbor had one and a couple of slides to go with it. what i remember distinctly is i was able to ‘see the world’ just by looking at those toy binoculars. i ‘went to Egypt’ to ‘see’ the pyramids. i got to see the magnificent cityscape of Hong Kong through them. it wasn’t like ordinary pictures. they were stereoscopic so there was a sense of depth to what i was looking at.

then i realize how far i’ve come. though i haven’t been to egypt, i have been to HongKong, not once,but twice already. i have been to malaysia, singapore, germany, italy, and india. i have been blessed to visit these countries, some from our pockets, some for free because of work.

i never wished for these. i never asked for them and yet here they are. perhaps as a child, my awe and wonder communicated a silent prayer in me that i be able to see these magnificent places some day. and now here we are.

the thought just overwhelms me today.

it was one of those spontaneous things i sometimes like to do, even if i am a ‘creature of habit’; i took my son on a date at the mall. how spontaneous was it? we were in our ‘pambahay’ clothes!

we recently got some guppies as pets at home. being absolute novices in this new hobby, with the limited research (read: YouTube binge watching) i’ve done, i thought i was ready to take care of fish. also, this comes from the encouragement of our security guard in the office who seems to just leave these guppies alone and yet they thrive! they even have lotsa babies now!

anyway, one by one, our little pets died until only 1 is left. i asked my son if he wanted to see the streetside stall where i bought the guppies and he said ‘yes.’ we walked to the talipapa and pointed him to where i bought our now-dead pets.

while walking in the hot sun, he blurted out, “i think i’m hungry,” and seeing that we were near the tricycle terminal and could use some time together, i told him we’re going to the mall.

in our shorts and worn-out shirts that could pass as rags, we took the trike to Market! Market! in BGC. he really wanted Jollibee but since it was full, we actually went inside the mall and ate at ChowKing instead. the entire time, i didn’t have my phone with me. i left it at home charging by the TV stand, thinking we would be gone for just a few minutes – not hours!

and you know what, it just felt good to be in the moment. it did cross my mind that, “uy, i should’ve had my phone with me to take a picture.” us, with just pambahay in a mall in BGC. or “this would get a lot of likes and laughs on Facebook!” but i just took it all in. it didn’t matter who liked it or laughs at it. what mattered was him and me together, having Chicken Lauriat and Wonton Noodles at Chowking at 10 in the morning.

i actually don’t have the energy to google if my use of ‘metaphor’ is correct right now. let’s just assume that it is.

saw two videos today describing something important to me and i guess i just wanted to note them down so i’ll have a greater chance of remembering them.

first, a metaphor for (or rather against) abortion: it’s like baking a cake. if you were about to bake a cake, you mix the ingredients, put the batter in a pan, and then bake it in an oven. well, that’s what you get when you ‘do it’ and then it’s in a woman’s womb. it’s “baking”. if someone takes it out and throws the pan across the floor, you don’t say, “you ruined the batter!” no. you say, “you ruined my cake!”

i just thought it was brilliant.

next is something about raising your child. the video talks about how a parent should not ‘engineer’ their children to be who they want them to be. rather, they should be ‘shepherds’ because shepherds don’t force their sheep to become dogs, but what they do is to bring them to where the good pastures are, protect them from wolves, herd them where they should be. they don’t manipulate them to be something other than sheep.