"A word in the mind is like a pebble in the shoe."

"May you work on yourself,
Building up and refining the ways of your mind...

May you treasure the gifts of the mind
Through reading and creative thinking
So you continue as a servant of the frontier
Where the new will draw its enrichment from the old,
And you never become a functionary." 
                              - For a Leader,  John O'Donohue


Doug grabbed a book at the library which he thought I might like - and I do like it!

Does This Church Make me Look Fat? by Rhoda Janzen. http://rhodajanzen.com 

I'm not sure yet how the book title actually relates to the content but I am enjoying the story and insights.  For example - learning to hold oneself more loosely and others more carefully.

"The stories we surround ourselves with can either move us forward or hold us back.  A word in the mind is like a pebble in the shoe: both can bring our journey to a full stop....we ended up learning a lesson about language.  We both got stuck on words.  I should never have asked if my friends from the dinner party believed in a literal fish. [the discussion included Jonah and the whale]  Whoo boy.  We can hold so tightly to language that our grip on it actually weakens communication,  We insist on our interpretation, but at what cost!  How lovely it would be if we could hold our words loosely, like sand cupped underwater, carried away by the swift moving current of meaning itself.

Like Leroy, we white out the past [teenager -  painted over phrases on his bedroom walls relating to how much he loved the girl who had just ditched him:)] We erase not our history, but its power to harm us.  This is what it takes to move forward: an outpouring of grace, coat after coat, day after day, a willingness to keep going back to the room that speaks of our defeat.  Faith is the hope that our work will have meaning, that someday our troubled rooms will be transformed."

"In surrendering to the divine we yield to divine transformation. A causes B.  This surrender is the only intentional gesture we can make to invite real and permanent character change.  It may not perfect us; but thank God, it sure makes us better than we were..."  

Gather me to be with you...

An Advent Blessing which I received today from a friend and pass on to you...

May you be Wrapped in Hope

Graced with Peace

Filled with Joy and 

Embraced in Love

under our front evergreen seems like a good spot for small animals to shelter

  

O GOD, gather me now to be with you as you are with me.

Soothe my tiredness;

quiet my fretfulness;

curb my aimlessness;

receive my compulsiveness;

let me be easy for a moment.

O LORD, release me from the fears and guilts which grip me so tightly;

from the expectations and opinions which I so tightly grip,

that I may be open to receiving,

to learn something refreshingly different.

O GOD, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

Forgive me for claiming so much for myself that I leave no room for gratitude;

for confusing exercises in self-importance with acceptance of self-worth;

for complaining so much of my burdens that I become a burden;

for competing against others so insidiously that I stifle celebrating them and receiving your blessing through their gifts.

O GOD, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

 

Keep me in touch with myself,

with my needs,

my anxieties,

my angers,

my pains,

my corruptions,

that I may claim them as my own rather than blame them on someone else.

O LORD, deepen my wounds into wisdom;

shape my weakness into compassion;

gentle my envy into enjoyment,

my fear into trust,

my guilt into honesty,

my accusing finger into tickling ones.

O GOD, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

by Ted Loder, Guerillas of Grace

by the front door - somehow inviting

       

"more than a glance"

'This' does not happen often -  by this, I mean when words come tumbling out in the semblance of a poem.  My usual form of creative endeavour is through writing or a painted image.  But, a few days back travelling along the snowy avenue between home and the university, students braving the cold... these were my thoughts.  Not sure where they came from or where they will go - they just are.

I'm out in the cold,
My cap pulled down,
Muffled and gloved
I stomp the ground.

Alone in my self
Alone in the crowd
No one to care,
Alone - yet proud.

Just one smile
But you turn your face to the side.
Just one glance catching my eye might
be all it takes
to give me hope,
to say that I'm here.
Just one glance,
would it say that you care?

But my eyes are cast down
I dont want to see.
It will take more than a glance
to awaken me....

My first reaction was - how desolate!  Then, I thought that sometimes we think a glance, catching someone's eye, a smile will somehow validate and encourage another...and I believe these are immensely important for that very reason.  But, lately I was reminded that a glance or a smile simply may not be enough or it may not be the right thing.

While on retreat last week I began to read Esther de Waal's, "Lost in Wonder" and came across this quote from an ode by Pablo Neruda.  While he speaks of touching things such as utensils, fabric, things crafted by human hands the words reminded me of how I sometimes touch others. I remembered gently touching on the shoulders two ladies deep in conversation with one another - both obviously moved and near tears.  I think my touch was meant to say, "I see, I care, and I befriend you in your grief - but I will respect you and not intrude upon your togetherness."

"Many things gave me completeness
They did not only touch me
My hand did not merely touch them,
but rather,
they befriended
my existence."

Queen's House, October 2011- view from my window of the snow laden trees and bushes

Queen's House, October 2011- inspired by the view from my window of the river and beyond 

Blue-stockings and Red-herrings

While looking for a particular quote today, I came across the word "bluestocking" and in the process was drawn to the word, 'red-herring' which reminded me of a book I recently read, A Red Herring Without Mustard, a Flavia de Luce novel by Alan Bradley.   I liked how the words go together so had a go at pursuing this digression in my 'busy day' of yard work, family chatter, and preparations for our turkey dinner - where I'm sure there will be conversation, banter and yes, even some distracting comments... 

Here are a few thoughts I ferreted out on the internet ...

Bluestocking:  a woman having intellectual or literary interests / an educated woman who is interested in books and ideas.

Any group of ladies who in mid-18th century England held "conversations' to which they invited men of letters and members of the aristocracy with literary interests.  The word has come to be applied derisively to a woman who affects literary or learned interests.  The Bluestockings attempted to replace social evenings spent playing cards and idle chatter with something more intellectually.  The term probably originated when one of the ladies, Mrs. Vesey, invited the learned Benjamin Stillingfleet to one of her parties; he declined because he lacked appropriate dress, whereupon she told him to come "in his blue stockings' - the ordinary worsted stockings as opposed to the black silk stockings which were required for formal evening dress.


A Red herring is a clue which is intentionally or unintentionally misleading or distracting from the actual issue; used to divert attention from the real problem or matter at hand.  The term is mostly used to claim that the argument of another person is not relevant to the issue being discussed.  In mystery fiction, a clue or lead that turns out not to be relevant to the solution of the mystery would also be a red herring....

The term is generally believed to come from the sport of fox hunting in which a dried, smoked herring, which is red in color, is dragged across the trail of the fox to throw the hounds off the scent.  Thus, a "red herring" argument is one which distracts the audience from the issue in question through the introduction of some irrelevancy.  This frequently occurs during debates... by extension, it applies to any argument in which the premisses are logically irrelevant to the conclusion.... [www.fallacyfiles.org]

Personally:  I like the idea of a group of women getting together to discuss, dialogue about what they have read.  But somehow the idea of a "Book Club" never quite drew me... I would never be able to confine my thoughts to one book at a time... somehow there needs to be a bit more pizazz, a bit more dialogue, a bit more pursuing of ideas and some reflection.

I like mysteries so red herrings somehow work into my thoughts constantly and in chatting with others I'm frequently drawing my mind back to the present topic.  I live with the tension of intently and single-mindedly pursuing the fox or following a more inviting path in the woodland. I always hope that the paths will somehow come together in the end.

Starting to ramble here but just putting it out there for all you book-minded, mystery loving ladies, who may or may not have had a longing to wear blue stockings and pursue dialogue where red-herrings are allowed .... I'm willing, how about you???

"Midwife to the birth of a Soul..."

This week a friend and fellow seeker after God passed away.  We seldom chatted at any great length during the 30 odd years we knew each other but he taught me to pay attention to my soul by giving my mind time to ponder and contemplate - to listen and gather the thoughts that meshed & clashed in my mind - to not be afraid of uncertainty - to face the questions and pursue them...knowing full well that this quest would continue until the day we die and we finally rest...body, soul and spirit.

As I read comments on Facebook and later heard comments read at the memorial service the one phrase which kept coming to mind was, "The greatest privilege of a human life is to become midwife to the birth of a soul."[John O'Donohue]  I was only one of many whom he helped birth... what a blessing to have those in our lives who coax our souls to life - who encourage us to find the "dreams that lie at the hearth of the soul."

In the days leading up to his passing I gave him the book, To Bless the Space Between Us, by John O'Donohue.  The last thing he said to me was, "I read the book."  As he agreed that he was now in that thin space between heaven and earth and held strongly to my hand as I sang over him a blessing... his soul was at peace, his mind at rest...

and so, Ken, as you enter heaven ...

"May your heart be speechless
At the sight of the truth
Of all belief had hoped,
Your heart breathless
In the light and lightness
Where each and everything
Is at last its true self
Within that serene belonging
That dwells beside us
On the other side
Of what we see."

Weathered into identity...

Wisdom through small steps and the ordinary...

a quote by Sue Bender,  Everyday Sacred, p.125

"What I am learning is not 'light-bulb joy,'" Helen said that same day. "Nothing really dramatic, but the experiences add up to the beginning of wisdom."  She thought again about the day of the fire. [in which they lost their home] "If I use the word 'searching,' someone might think I'm not content.  My searching is more like that of a monk.  I'm not driven in the search, but hope to keep learning things along the way."

"After my visits to the Amish," I told her, "I had expected to be transformed.  I expected to see big changes.  Instead. I found little changes, and a new appreciation of all the things I had taken for granted."

Helen smiled.  "Maybe that's the beginning of wisdom. There are no answers, there are just experiences."


Nora Gallagher in, Things Seen and Unseen, wrote, "The road to the sacred is paved with the ordinary." and quotes from Esther de Waal, an English historian who has written extensively about Celtic Christianity. "It was a practice in which ordinary people in their daily lives took the tasks that lay to hand but treated them sacramentally, as pointing to a greater reality which lay beyond them.  It is an approach to life which we have been in danger of losing, this sense of allowing the extraordinary to break in on the ordinary."

Further, Nora Gallagher writes... "This then, is a record of what it is like to live with the hand at my back, to live within a world that is mostly unknown outside its boundaries, to live in faith.  It's a long journey into experience and away from idealism.  One imagines religion as making one "good," and various ideal ways of behaving are often touted in pulpits.  But the opposite of sin is not virtue but faith.  And none of it works without the weight of experience, knowing something as an experience rather than as an event that passes over the skin.  How this I experiences this event and folds it into flesh.  How a soul, as Margaret Drabble said, weathers into identity."

Kitchen complete...

Well, almost 3 months to the day we started, the kitchen is complete:)

Our freshly cleaned and cleaned out fridge was moved into place this morning and I keep wandering around with a rag in hand wiping off a speck here and a crumb there....  but to get to completion there were two major obstacles  we had to tackle this week - finish the tiles and one more coat of paint.  Doug did the painting, because that's what he mostly does and is fussy about it but never quite happy because of the minute imperfections:) I think it looks just fine.  Another thing - he say's the colour is green while I 'know' it is yellow with a green tinge to it.... interesting how we see things differently.

I finally decided I would tackle the tiles.  Laying them all out according to the two places they would go I found that I needed to cut 17 tiles!  How to do this was the question - did it really require at trip out of the city to use my sister's wet saw.  I decided to ask the stone mason working on the neighbour's fireplace.  He suggested I try scoring the cut line with an exacto knife and breaking it - if that didn't work he would come over later and cut them for me:)

Ingenuity and a strong hand conquered the tiles! I was thankful for the 'just do it' mantra I'd learned from my Yorkshire Granma and my 'anything can be done with a little ingenuity' attitude I inherited from my Scandinavian father.  Holding a putty knife along the cut line I scored it with the exacto knife - then with the putty knife held upright in the scored line I gave it a few gentle whacks with the hammer and then a harder whack and there you have it - a tile neatly cut into two pieces.

After cementing them in place and letting them set over night, yesterday, I stirred up the grout and messed with it for hours!!! but I think the tiles finally turned out okay.

While I finished wiping off the grit Doug painted and there you have it - after a good night's sleep we awoke this morning to a renovated kitchen!  It's not large but it is certainly adequate and pleasant - and so absolutely beautifully warm in colour, especially when the sun shines in, that I am loath to put up any type of window covering.

com·plete/kəmˈplēt/

Adjective:	Having all the necessary or appropriate parts.
Verb:	Finish making or doing.
Synonyms:	adjective.  perfect - entire - whole - total - absolute - full verb.  finish - end - terminate - conclude - accomplish

A Psalm of Waiting...

Psalm 62 was the passage shared in service today.

This "Psalm of Waiting" begins,  "For God alone my soul waits in silence;"

I've realized over the past four years how beneficial it has been for me to 'wait in silence' and have developed this ability by participating in several silent retreats.  Learning to wait in silence for God has taught me many things - one being, that after an extended time of silence I carry a sense of peace and calm with me through my days.  Anxiety, frustrations, etc are minimized because somehow there is within me a quiet spirit.  Uncertainty becomes 'okay' - I don't always need to know the answers, I don't always need to make things happen so that 'everything is taken care of.'

Still need to put up the mirror and towel ring:)

And so, the renovations, which move ever so slowly, are 'okay' - no matter that I'm surprised and somewhat dismayed when I realize that we need to repair little holes in the walls[sometimes more than once], sand, wipe down, prime, sand again, and paint at least twice... and then the tape that is supposed to protect a wall already painted removes the paint no matter how gently your pull it off and the process begins again.  But we are progressing inch by inch and yesterday the washroom looked a bit more complete as we put the curtains and the extra towel bar up. 

And it's 'okay' that it is taking longer than expected to repair the garage roof... which now sports a blue tarp because we need more roofing tiles...

In a life that is constantly busy, constantly full of noise, demands, and responsibilities we tend to ignore the call of our souls to silence.  And waiting and silence are important complements.  It is super difficult to sit quietly, in silence, to attend to God, to rest from telling God how he might answer my concerns or set the world straight!  It's super difficult for me to sit quietly without having a book, or a paint brush, or a pen in my hand... always ready to think or create.  Being privileged to be born into a family of 'creative doers' this is exceptionally difficult - because it seems so un-productive!

I was reminded of this today while reading my sister's blog where she comments on this tension when producing objects out of clay but not being able to fire them until the electrician can hook up the kiln in mid-September! Hence the feeling of an incomplete process of productivity.  All the same it seems she is enjoying the creative multi-step somewhat meditative process required in the forming of the clay...  You can check out her blog: "My Life in Clay"  http://perimichelle.blogspot.ca/

Perhaps the process is as, if not more, important than the final product... How often do we focus on God's Kingdom to come and lose focus on God's kingdom now? How often do we hurry and scurry around to get to our destination - but miss the quiet moments that can be experienced in the process of getting there?

Life is full of small moments and learning to be silent enables me to accept each as one more step in a process, one more bit of path in the journey, one more moment in learning to know someone a bit better.

In all of this I keep hoping to see more clearly the intertwining of the sacred with the 'here and now' [Henri Nouwen], to blend a measure of God's view from above and my view from below [Philip Yancey], to understand that 'what I experience in the world of faith must be measured against what I see, what is happening around me." [Nora Gallagher] and to quite simply understand that God is indeed part of my 'everydayness.'

Barbara Brown Taylor writes in her book,  An Altar in the World,  "What is saving my life now... is the conviction that there is no spiritual treasure to be found apart from the bodily experiences of human life on earth.  My life depends on engaging the most ordinary physical activities with the most exquisite attention I can give them. [I ignore distinctions between secular and sacred, physical and spiritual, the body and the soul]  What is saving my life now is becoming more fully human, trusting that there is no way to God apart from real life in the real world... In a world where faith is often construed as a way of thinking, bodily practices remind the willing that faith is a way of life... Wherever you are, you live in the world, which is just waiting for you to notice the holiness in it."

Yesterday evening I took my coffee out to sit quietly in the cool damp of the evening. It was silent and it was windy.  As I was looking at my sweet peas, which I am growing in a pot on the gazebo porch beside my 'relaxing chair', my eyes gradually focused in on a beautiful green and brown dragonfly which seemed to be 'hanging on for dear life' as the wind buffeted the vines on the rather flimsy climbing strings.  In a moment of silence, of wonder, I paused -  before running for my camera to capture this beautifully exquisite creature in a photo!

Autumn

I love autumn - until I look at my calendar and see days full of work and appointments!

My soul wants to shut out the busyness of September and perhaps it would if I were not able to get out and see the autumn leaves and feel the cool, settling air. There is stillness, decay, and death. But there is also a glimpse of hope - I gather perennial seeds and scatter them in new places hoping for the miracle of spring that will bring them to life.

Many years I have gathered autumn leaves - we all like to "gather" certain things in the hopes, perhaps, of somehow possessing them, or hanging on so we don't lose them.  Well, perhaps by painting these leaves I no longer need to gather.  I feel I am brushing and coaxing many colours and shapes into a memory of autumn.

A few quotes on autumn which cause me to ponder and which hold in them something truly profound about how we might experience this season:

Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn.
Elizabeth Lawrence

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.
George Eliot

I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air.
Nathaniel Hawthorne

Autumn wins you best by this, its mute
Appeal to sympathy for its decay.
Robert Browning

Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence. Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance. Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence. Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance.
Yoko Ono

A continuing exercise....

Renovations continue!!

 So it seems we are "almost done" our main floor renovations.  I say almost because the workers have come and gone and it's basically up to us now to finish it off!  Well, the fellow has not done the grout for the tiles but this is a job I will tackle with my sister's help next week.  Then there is the painting!  But we are moving along wall by wall and one of these days it will be complete.  

At least now we can feel like having people over for coffee or a barbeque as long as the weather is good and we can use the gazebo...[because the washroom is now useable]  and we are having a lovely summer and there is nothing more peaceful than sitting outside in a sheltered spot reading or chatting with a cup of coffee in hand. I'm really enjoying this summer!

our outdoor dining room

 

 Oh yes, must get the mirror up, the towel rack on and the curtains and pictures hung in the washroom!

And there are doors that have been taken off to paint that need to be put on... endless details it seems but we keep tackling them one at a time.  It has been a challenging and enlightening experience but overall I think we are ending up with a very harmonious and welcoming space that we hope to enjoy for the next 20 years!!

Calling forth creativity

I just read an very interesting review about a new book on creativity, called Imagine by Jonah Lehrer.  http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2012/4/17/lifebookshelf/11100560&sec=lifebookshelf

It affirms that our creative abilities originate in the right side of the brain, come to light when we are "at rest" or relaxing but are birthed with a great deal of effort.  Which does make sense to me.

This might be an interesting read but I'll just stay with the reviews for the moment as I already have a painting waiting for the 'hard work" on the easel and a stack of 8 books on my desk to peruse and a lot of mulling over to do for my next writing....:)

I like this quote in the review: ‘A good poem is never easy. It must be pulled out of us, like a splinter.’  Might need to think about the splinter part... I believe that creativity is somehow within us and even as we mull things over and over, eventually something calls it forth to be seen, heard, felt, and yes, well perhaps even sniffed.

But...  now for some hard work...

Raindrops

What a pleasant rain today....  we [Doug & I] were having afternoon coffee on the front porch of the gazebo when a simple bolt of lightning followed by a loud and prolonged roar of thunder resulted, not in a downpour but a gentle fall of rain.

The nasturtiums, which are growing in front of the gazebo, have leaves like lily pads which catch raindrops, resulting in a huge droplet forming in the center of the leaf.  It increases as small drops plop into it and eventually becomes too heavy and rolls gently off the leaf.  The droplets roll around and shake like a drop of mercury... they "shimmer" and show an intriguing, image of the leaf below them. I really enjoyed watching and finally took a few photos, several of which are included below.

I googled "raindrops" and found the incredibly relaxing Chopin's Raindrops on line.... you might like to take a five minute break and sit back, close your eyes and relax while listening to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcIMvliWM2I

Tenacious: “to hold fast”

Mid-summer, and because I am so thoroughly blessed by living in a peaceful place and ‘soon to be’ lovely house [renovations are reaching the end], and have a comfortable gazebo in which to eat and read and from which to gaze at the many surprises that our yard supplies – well need I actually say what I feel!  I just want to relax in this state for many more days!!

But I know that as soon as August 1^st comes round I will feel the pressure of yet-unplanned days and schedules and it will be more difficult to take the time to relax and observe.  I want to hold on to this time but more so, I think I want to hold fast to the quality of observation and depth of peace that I have been enjoying while I move ahead to autumn expectations.

There is something of value that the word tenacious, meaning “to hold fast” implies.  There is a reason for the tenacity, for the holding on to. There is a source that makes it possible.

What drew my mind to this word was my amaryllis plant.  Each spring, once the flowers fade, I cut off the flower stalk and baby it along until I can put it outside in a pot because I read that through the summer the leaves will take in what is needed to replenish the bulb so that it can be stored and will bloom again next year.  Well, this year the flowers were absolutely gorgeous and when I cut off the stalk I felt the bulb and it seemed there was nothing left!  Now in the way renovations go we were packing things away so finally, upon my husbands assertion that there is just no way that bulb is going to grow I finally tossed it in the compost.  Yes, I did!

Well, as I glanced at the compost from time to time I noticed that the leaves which had drooped began to perk up and several new leaves were beginning to grow. When I tugged at the plant thinking that perhaps I should plant it in the garden it had produced long roots which were firmly holding fast to the debris in the compost and to tug it out would have meant to rip the roots.  So I left it and we enjoy the beauty of bright green leaves reaching out of the compost.

I hold on – be that to what I observe of our plants, flowers and birds or to what comes from the compost heap.  I hold on to the beauty, the peace, the lessons of seeds – growth – fruit/flowers, of bird challenges and feedings, of weeds, of the feel of the slight breeze in the evening as we observe the clouds and wait for the light to fade, of the candlelight in the darkness.  I hold on to the realization that even when the soil is a bunch of grass clippings without fertilizer somehow it can produce incredibly healthy looking leaves.

I hold on – because in all of this there is a source that gives me life, that refreshes and restores my soul, that brings healing and offers hope for new growth.  Within God’s creation there is the source of life just as within God’s Word there is also the source of life – both essential to my well being. 

In our yard, which some may think of as a hodge podge of garden spaces, trees, and grass I have observed that plants grow out of tree bark and dead trees as well. The rains have caused these to flourish.  I love the miniature worlds they produce – their own little ‘secret gardens’ that are all part of the whole. 

These photos show some of the smaller places in our yard and some of the plants that are holding fast. 

at the base of the willow tree

in the stump of a willow tree which was cut down about 15 years ago