Carrying On

I had my 12 week appointment today. The nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler, which was nerve wracking, so they ordered an ultrasound. The baby looks great and is measuring a few days ahead. I was looking back at L’s ultrasound pictures from the same time and it’s amazing to me how different their profiles are so far.

I’m still feeling and getting very queasy and sick, but I started taking zo.fran earlier this time and it’s helping. I hope that it doesn’t last the entire pregnancy this time, but it’s too soon to tell so I’m not going to worry about it yet. My love.nox dose will increase at 28 weeks and we’ll do weekly bpps and induce at 38 weeks again. Apparently that will be the first week of “turkey season” and my ob plans to be off that week, so I may end up delivering with a different doctor in the practice. I’m okay with that, if that’s how it works out.

Everything seems to be going well and I’m so thankful for that.

The baby measured exactly 6 weeks, 3 days, so right on track. We were able to see the heartbeat too, 117 beats per minute. I’m so relieved!

My doctor was pleased and I’m not scheduled to go back until 12 weeks, which seems so far away. I need to call tomorrow to find out about scheduling the NT scan, since I won’t be back over there for so long.

I’m feeling much more relaxed now and am hoping that things will continue to go smoothly.

Maybe I shouldn’t have used a word like “optimistic”… I’m cramping and spotting again. I can’t do anything about it and unless it really picks up, I’ll just wait for my appointment on Thursday. Hopefully it will ease off tonight.

With my first miscarriage (the probable blighted ovum), I spotted for several days before it became obvious I was losing the pregnancy. With my second, I woke up bleeding heavily with no warning. I spotted several times with L’s pregnancy and obviously that turned out fine.  I’m trying not to worry about the things I cannot control, but I’m bracing myself for disappointment.

After our success using the heparin injections and progesterone for L’s pregnancy, I’ve almost regarded them as a fail-proof solution for my problems. We hadn’t used them with the prior pregnancies and then *ta-da*, everything finally worked out with them.

Sigh. I’m getting ahead of myself here, as though that would protect me from the pain and disappointment of another loss. Wait and see. Not the easiest approach for me to embrace but my only option.

My ultrasound is in two days. I’m feeling queasy all day long now, so that’s a positive, though unpleasant, sign. I’m feeling optimistic right now.

L decided to get today off to a bright and early start by rising for the day at 5:30 AM.  As soon as he stops chatting about “da school bus” and saying “no sir!” in his crib and drifts off, I’m going to take a nap. Early wakings aside, I am really enjoying him at this stage. It’s amazing to watch him learn and hear what he thinks about things. He told me yesterday that, “I’m going to my beach! I need my shoes!” We’ve spent a lot of time at the beach this summer, so I was afraid he was going to be very disappointed until he headed for the backyard to play in his sandbox. Ah, yes, I guess that is his beach!

Two days, just two more days.

My first appointment is next Thursday. I’ll have an ultrasound first, then an appointment with my doctor. My blood pressure rises, just picturing walking into the office, having blood drawn, waiting for the ultrasound. I have OB-specific white coat syndrome. It doesn’t happen when I see my primary care doctor, but anytime I go to the ob’s office, I can feel my blood pressure rising and it’s a little harder to breathe. It’s been nearly two years since L was born and I still feel panicky just remembering the stress of waiting, hoping that everything will be okay on the u/s, the flood of relief if it is. When it is. It will be. I feel like my reactions are disproportionate to my reality, but they are hard to control all the same.

One week until I know whether everything is going okay so far. It will be here before I know it but it seems like an eternity away every time I think about it.

but I’m cramping a little and had a small amount of spotting this evening. The same things happened occasionally while I was pregnant with L and everything turned out fine, but it’s hard not to worry. I’m so tired and queasy, but that’s probably at least partially due to the progesterone. Lots of bruising already from the Love.nox but I don’t mind.

I don’t want to worry. I don’t want to have a reason to worry. After L was born I deeply felt that if he was the only one I ever had, that would be enough, and I still have peace in that. So I feel selfish, greedy, by saying this, but I want this one too. I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting another child. I’m embracing this while attempting to protect myself from the pain and disappointment of another loss. But I’m not there yet. Tonight, I still have hope. I hope that I’m right to feel that way.

I didn’t intend to abandon this blog and yet it’s been nearly a year since I’ve posted. I’m not sure if anyone still drops by, and that’s okay. I’m dusting it off  because it’s where I chronicled my pregnancy with L and this week we found out that we’re expecting again. We are excited and happy but as it sinks in, I find myself needing a place to sort through my feelings. And this is my place for that.

I was so tense and nervous while I was pregnant with L that I withdrew from friends and online communities that I’d been a part of previously. And my transition into parenthood, as I imagine is the case for many, wasn’t easy, thrilled as we were to have L . Looking back, I wish I’d asked for help instead of battling the crushing anxiety on my own. The weight slowly lifted though and I’m hoping to stay in a good place this time.

I started Lovenox injections the day that the test turned positive. I think I like heparin better, it certainly didn’t sting so much, but so far I’m bruising a lot less and at least I only have to inject once a day instead of twice. I’m starting the progesterone tomorrow (the pharmacy had to order it for me.) I didn’t ask for betas and my first appointment is at 6 weeks, but I’m going to reschedule it for 7, since I know they’ll do an ultrasound and I want to be able to see something reassuring. Look at me being all serene (ha ha). I hope that lasts more than a few days! I joked with a friend that my mantra this time is “zen, zen, serenity, zen”. With L, it was “all will be well”. That said, I’m finding myself starting to pray compulsively again. That was both my way of coping with the anxiety during my pregnancy and after L’s birth and a symptom of it. Tricky. Overall, I’m feeling hopeful and positive.

So, that’s the update on the state of my reproductive system.

In other news, L is just delicious. He’ll be two next month and there’s hardly a trace of baby left, except when he’s sleeping. He’s talkative and very physically active, so he keeps me busy. He’s sweet and funny, but oh can he be challenging some days! I suppose  at his age that’s just part of his job description.

P is great as well. Thinking about finding a new job, which should make things extra interesting in the next year. This process could move quickly (6 months or less) or it could take 12-18 months or longer. But either way, we’ll probably have to sell the house and move, hopefully closer to family. It’s been hard to live in a town where we don’t have any family and rarely get to see our friends here. We’ve missed having that kind of support and are hoping to have it whenever he does take a new job.

So… that’s about it for now! I planning to post more often and if you are reading, I hope that you’ll leave a link to your blog so that I can follow your story as well.

Of course he started walking the day after I wrote that last post!  Very exciting! It’s so fun to watch him toddle around the room.  And he’s started saying “mama”, mostly to express his displeasure but still, he’s saying it!  It’s amazing how quickly they change, isn’t it?

L turned one last month.  It’s hard for me to recognize the tiny baby we brought home from the hospital in this big, strong, independent little boy.  This past year has been a wonderful blur.  Harder than I expected but worth everything it’s taken. 

He’s very close to walking and he climbs remarkably well (and by that I mean, alarmingly well.)  He babbles a lot but doesn’t say many words, which I’m trying not to worry about yet. “Bye” and sometimes “book” and “ball” are the only ones we hear regularly.  No “mama” and rarely “dada”.   He’s still nursing several times a day.  In those early weeks, I hardly thought he’d still be nursing at a year.  We took things day by day, then week by week and suddenly, here we are.  I’m grateful that it worked out and that we’ve had this experience.  I don’t know when he’ll wean and I’m not ready to bring this part of his babyhood to a close yet. We’re still cloth diapering and I am glad that we made the switch.  L is finally sleeping through the night most nights and we are all happier as a result.  It amuses me that a rare night waking wipes me out the next day when I was getting up 3-4 times a night just 3 months ago.  The first year certainly is characterized by a remarkable ability to adapt.  Okay, and also, by a shocking consumption of caffeine.

I think it will be at least a year before we try to conceive again.  I’m content with L.  I picture another baby in the future but, right now, I’m enjoying mothering just him.  It’s been an interesting experience, growing into being a parent.  When we were trying, all that I pictured was a baby.  Now he’s a toddler, not such a baby anymore, and I am experiencing my own growing pains as I learn to mother in a new way.  He’ll keep growing and changing and I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I have the hang of things for more than a day before it all changes again.  It feels like everything is just as it should be.

It’s hard for me to believe that L is almost 11 months old, almost 1 year old.  When did that happen?

He is funny and sweet and bound and determined to explore the inner confines of the most exciting thing in our house… the fireplace.  Would you like to join me in pondering why on Earth the builders of our house put in a gas fireplace filled with tiny, alluring little pebbles and then made it a size and shape that cannot be completely covered with, well, anything remotely adequate?  Ugh.  In the past few weeks, L has mastered crawling and moved on to pulling up and is toying with the idea of walking.  He’s in constant motion and thus, so am I.  I’m not really sure how you teach an 11 month old notto do things like bang on the glass front of the tv cabinet or you know, crawl into the chimney, reverse-Santa Claus-style. 

Our pediatrician left our practice on Friday.  To my surprise, I almost cried when they called to tell me I’d need to pick a new doctor.  The early breastfeeding/jaundice/tongue-tie/weight gain problems of the first few months must have forged a stronger attachment to her than I had realized.  So of course, today I realized that L wasn’t acting quite right and was yanking on his ear and thus we were off to meet a new doctor.  She was perfectly lovely, I’m relieved to say.  And L has his first ear infection.  Poor guy.  We were lucky to have made it this long without one and I hope it’s the last one he has for a while.

We are still cloth diapering and loving it.  I could write long, boringdescriptive posts about it, but unless someone really wants me to do that, I’ll sum it up to say that I just wish we had started cding earlier, that is how happy we are with the experience.  Okay, and that I could have saved myself a lot of money by purchasing fewer pockets and all-in-ones and more prefolds and covers. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this blog.  I’m not a writer and I can’t spin literary gold from my daily experiences, though I wish I could.  I find it a lot harder to write anything these days.  I feel like I don’t have much to offer lately (unless you want to discuss breastfeeding, diapering, playgroup politics etc, then I am your girl.)  I am still reading loads of blogs and will continue to do so, but I’m not sure how often I’ll update this site.