Purging The Past, Depression, Threads, Preparing For The Unknown

Posted on July 18, 2023 by chaotic-princess

So, I am empty nesting…meaning Purging a life time of collected things, this summer I haven’t really done any major building projects, instead I have just been de cluttering, cleaning up my house and repairing it as I go.

I started upstairs, got Hammy’s room cleaned out and repaired since he no longer lives here, and am about half way done the storage room, I still have my bedroom and the hallway and stairwell to do when I am done the storage room before I can start on the main floor.

I have stuff for donation, for recycle, to give away, to throw away, I take a truck load of donations to the city at least once per week and have given away a lot of stuff, filled my recycle bin 5X and about the same with the garbage bin… 20 years of memories and things I will never use being purged, it’s not all my stuff, it’s my sons, and my deceased partners stuff, memories the 3 of us built, not gonna lie, emotionally this is very hard for me, I am physically letting go of my past. there are a lot of smiles and a lot of tears while doing this purge. it’s amazing how much stuff can be collected and held on to over the years, I also find it amazing on how big this little house feels now, I don’t remember it being this big,

I have also been cleaning out the canvas storage shed, it got ripped up bad during last winters storm. today I threw out the last box of memories that were in there, my garbage bin is packed full and it will be emptied this Thursday, just in time for me to start filling it from the house again, anyway the canvas storage shed is pretty much empty now, just a few big tools to move into my workshop, construction halogen lights, jerry cans and  yet another weed eater etc, stuff my little shop has no space for, and a bin full of light fixtures, brand new for the house cant forget that …again, the amount of stuff that has been collected over the years is mind blowing, I will be putting about a dozen fishing poles out on the curb on my FREE Giveaway pile, so far I gave away a set of left handed golf clubs ( yes Im a lefty) 8 empty tool boxes, a 2 drawer filing cabinet, a guitar case, 3 empty gun carry cases, a bar set of crystal glasses and decanters, 3 car jacks and a set of car ramps that were sketchy ( they need some welding) I have sold some tools  as well, I will have furniture for sale in due time, so far I sold my PS 4 and 52 inch Roku TV I still have 4 fecken TVs ffks!! I swear the TVs are breeding up in that storage room, every time I get rid of 1 another 1 pops up outta nowhere.. WTF!!

So today, I am struggling emotionally and feeling quite depressed, not self harm depressed, just blahhh depressed, I just want to curl up and sleep and this is because of the memories I am getting rid of. I am emotionally attached to most things I am parting with, if I add up all the money spent acquiring those things over the years I will be really depressed so let’s not do that.

I am purging the past for a few reasons, some personal, because I want to move, because I never use any of it, and Hammy didn’t want any of it, and the 3rd person has been dead going on a decade so why should I keep any of it, it’s time to let go and start fresh, make new memories, also makes moving easier and cheaper , the less stuff I have the easier the move. I am working towards my goal of changing countries, North America is in crisis and I’m just too old to deal with that sh!t.

So I dumped twitter and joined Threads, it’s so much better, no right wing lunatics and no god warriors, just a safe friendly social media free from hate and strife… it’s peaceful. it’s much better for my mental health. I really like it. of course I use my old name on it because I don’t want my actual name tarnished, also its a great way to avoid my stalker, who doesn’t know my new legal name.

Well I guess thats all I have to say for now, hope y’all have a good week

Skye xo

 

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Tuesday’s Tea Time, A Book, Moving, Remember Me the Next Time You Have a Bad Day (lol)

Posted on June 20, 2023 by chaotic-princess

So I have been making some more personal changes in my life, One of those changes is that I gave up Coffee and Sugar, I now drink Tea, mostly assorted herbal teas, some specialty teas and occasionally black tea… sans sugar… just tea. I don’t use any sweeteners not even natural sweeteners… I went from 2 or 3 ~ 10 cup pots of coffee every day to 0… the withdrawals were rather brutal, if you are a caffeine addict you know about the caffeine migraines during withdrawal, the shakes, the “nerves” and of course the sh!ts!! Admittedly, I do feel much better now, it took around 7 days to kick the caffeine and sugar, but I did it ! (yay meeeee!!!) as I said I feel much better now, some urinary issues cleared up and I have more energy now, also my MS has been treating me a little better. I honestly do not miss coffee and am really enjoying the wide variety of teas, new flavours to explore, new specialty tea’s to try, so many options, a flavor for every mood,

I have also started drinking more H20 (water) I put a few lemon slices in the water jug for flavour but thats about it, that too has benefits, my skin is softer and I have less wrinkles ( by product of aging) I drink a glass when I wake up, then have tea, and I drink a glass before bed, and 3 or 4 glasses throughout the day, down side, I pee a lot more!

I also switched to vaping, I still have the occasional cigarette if its offered but am content with the vape…. hey we all have our vices, mine is nicotine ! I made it another year and since almost everything in life can kill you, I say do whatever brings you pleasure … also I don’t vape as much as I smoked, I think I may be subconsciously quitting…. bonus if I do, but know quitting is completely unintentional! if I do, I do, if I don’t then thats fine too.

So I am sitting here writing in my bloggy and enjoying a black tea ( Red Rose Tea no less!!) < fancy shmancy British tea lol I have a war of the roses history thing on the tv for background noise, I need background noise in this house to keep my mind distracted , also I can focus better with background noise.

I decided a few months ago to write a book, like an autobiography, a collection of factual stories of my adventures, or misadventures through life so far, the good and bad, the story of blowing up an out house with my Dad in it will be in said book, it’s funny, I’m sure he didn’t think so when it happened, but he did find it funny years later and would regale his bar mates with harrowing tales about his beloved daughter trying to kill him ( as he put it) lol… it was one of his favorite stories to tell and it was a barroom favorite, his friends would always ask him to regale them the harrowing tale over a pint.

Anyway a good chunk of this bloggy will wind up in that book, I have been blogging for almost a decade, I write here to put my thoughts and memories down and allow anyone who finds the blog to read it, I like to share my life, or parts of it. I am not shooting for a best seller lol, just a self published book that I will most likely just give away to friends and lovers, past and present… cuz yup, past lovers will be in that book, although I will change their names and locations due to respecting their privacy and their lives ( I harbor no ill will) so it will all be positive, the funny moments and the times I stupefied them and made them say WTF!?… cuz yeah, I too can be an absolute putz! … pretty sure I have done that to my current on more than one occasion as well ! lol

So it has come time for me to move out of this house, I have been here 17 years, the house is starting to fall apart faster than I can fix it, but that isn’t the only reason, this house has a lot of memories, some good, some bad, it holds a lot of negative energy that no amount of smudging ( cleansing) can remove, people have died here, I feel them, hear them and sometimes see them, and I am pretty sure P. is haunting me… I can’t confirm that, it’s a suspicion and after what happened yesterday… yup it’s time to f^ck right off away from this house permanently!!  ( I’ll get to that in a bit)… the main reason to move other than what I just said isthe fact this town is slowly dying, the general store was sold , no one knows if it will reopen or be torn down, the local hotel is going to be closing as theres just no business for them, even the pub part of the hotel is mostly empty on Friday and Saturday nights, live bands stopped coming, there are no other businesses in this town, even the Anglican church is practically empty, theres about 10 people in their congregation.

So I have been looking for a rental in other small towns, the criteria being.. the town must have a grocery store, gas station and at least 1 park and be within 1 hour of a major city … thats pretty much it really. I’m not looking for permanent, just something safe , quiet, and has positive energy to do me until I finish up tying up all the loose ends and taking care of business ( getting a passport etc) and where I can finish healing from my mental break down that landed me in the hospital. I have been slowly sorting out decades of memories , some get boxed for sale, some get boxed for donations and a great deal gets thrown out, I have been cleaning and repairing the house as I go, I am working on the upstairs rooms and hallway, 2 bedrooms a storage room and hallway/stairwell, it’s slow going because my MS kicks my @ss a lot after a few hours but I just keep working on it doing my best while trying to take care of business, keep Dr, Appointments and have some sort of life at the same time. I will reach my goal to move to Australia in due time, I stopped trying to have a time frame or schedule as life has a peculiar way of kicking me down like a stray dog every time I make a plan or set a date… so f^ck it, it will happen when it happens… I’m doing my best.

So, you think you have bad days… wait until you hear my tale of woe lol… yesterday (Monday) I woke up to discover lightening had struck my work shop, it fried all the electrical, travelled down 2 extension cords and blew up my outdoor outlet….

Lightening struck this corner of my workshop, fried my security cameras, the shop stereo, a table saw, the lighting system, and all the outlets, it travelled down those wires to the house….

as you can see it blew out my outdoor outlet, thank gawd for having good breakers, this could have been so much worse….

it burned up 2 extension cords that were plugged into the outlet, 1 ran down my driveway the other was to the out door work bench

As I said this could have been so much worse, my house could have caught fire and burned down with my cats, my dog and me in it. if my workshop would have caught fire it would have burned down my neighbors fence and house , they have 3 kids a dog and 6 cats… it could have been really bad, thankfully just my shop and house took a hit and didnt burn down.

So I woke up Monday morning to that, then to add insult, I had a flat tire on my truck and a bent rim ( hit a pot hole) and wouldn’t you know it my spare is garbage, it has a blister on the sidewall and will explode if used…. had to walk across town to borrow an extension cord and run it from inside the house to the truck to air up the tire…. only to find out when I get the tire inflated and with help get an old iron rim on the other tire that some @sshole siphoned the gas out of my truck! …  and since the local store has been sold, means I couldn’t get gas here in town…. ever drive a truck on empty 45 miles to the city? yeah I did, ( I made it) truck was on fumes when I pulled up to the pump, it was wheezing pretty hard trying to stall, so yeah that was my Monday! to say my nerves were shot yesterday is an understatement! so next time you have a bad day, think about me and think about my Monday then ask yourself is your day really that bad? or just frustrating? 😉

See, sh!t like this in 1 form or another always ALWAYS happens to me, if it’s not 1 f^cking thing it’s another which is why I need NEED to get out of this house, I feel cursed! so the hunt is on for a rental, and no I wont live in the city, Im not paying 2000 a month for a small apartment when I can rent an entire house in a small town for 500 to 800 per month! also I like privacy and quiet, and I don’t like people.

So that’s all for now, hoping for a quiet peaceful day

Skye xo

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Depression, MS, Gardening, The Logistics of Moving & Randoms

Posted on May 31, 2023 by chaotic-princess

So I am not magically cured of my PTSD , Anxiety or Depression, not by a long shot ( hint: I’ll never be “cured”) …all of it is being managed, in laymans terms, I am medicated just enough to not try and off myself, while attending my monthly psychiatric appointments, so far so oh hum, the hospital is always an option if I get too overwhelmed.

Now, 1 of many unpleasantries that come with having MS is…. Depression! ( yayy me, a double scoop), if I wasn’t struggling enough with manic depression life decided to add more, a big heaping double scoop of depression…

Here is a quick run down on how MS causes depression ( from my own personal experience thus far) okay.. MS is often painful, living in a constant state of pain takes a toll mentally, I get worn down and that leads to depression, MS is energy draining, I am constantly feeling tired, more like exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get, low energy leads to depression ( it is also a symptom of depression), MS restricts normal movement, in my case it is my right foot and left leg and sometimes my right hand ( my dominant hand) either numbness or pins and needles feeling, this really slows me down and limits mobility at times, also it’s not just painful, it’s frustrating especially when I am trying to work on a project or even mow my lawn or work in my garden… I’m pretty creative and can usually work around the MS, but it IS frustrating and after awhile depressing…. all this fuels my manic depression… and the long term prognosis… MS is for life, and eventually it will get worse… knowing that is in itself very depressing, I am slowly , very slowly, losing my life to this f*cking disease, Im not going to die from MS, I will die of old age before MS takes me, but each year my quality of life takes a hit and I lose a bit… its really depressing.

It’s gardening season and yes I too have a garden, a really big one, with the MS I am not able to garden daily so my friend Judy came over and planted my garden this year, she saved me space so I can plant my corn when I can, hopefully within the next day or 2 , 3 the latest., I will need help with the up keep as well, and if you know me I hate asking anyone for help, I am of the opinion if I want something done right I’ll do it myself… only now I can no longer do everything myself, I have Tyson for all things automotive , and Kale helps with plumbing and tree cutting, Dewy comes over and clears my snow in the winter, and Judy helps with the gardening, all these things I can no longer do on my own, it’s very frustrating and ….depressing.

As you all know I am trying to move, the goal is Australia, I live in a 2 story 2 bedroom house, my house contains a life time of memories, crap I have collected over the years, plus furniture, I am slowly downsizing, junking some stuff, selling some stuff, giving away some stuff, the goal is to have no more than 2 suit cases and maybe 4 boxes when I finally move, the logistics of moving is a nightmare, I am well established here, have MS, and have to keep the house and yard maintained while trying to sort stuff out into different categories, add to the fact I have MS and am usually in pain and move slowly, but wait theres more…. I live Rural so if I need boxes or anything that means a 35 to 40 minute drive to the city, it’s not like I can just move my stuff into a storage unit and be done with it, nearest storage unit is an hour away.

I did get Hammys room cleaned out, just the bed and 2 dressers left, the room is clean, I will give the dressers and bed away eventually, next room is my bedroom, I have been getting rid of clothes ( donation to the Blue Mantle) and getting rid of some Knick knacks ( trash bin) , the ac can stay in my room, that sucker was installed by Danny, a professional carpenter so that sucker is never coming out of that window. I’ll sell my bed and give the dresser away , my bed is antique, new box spring and mattress but the head and foot board and frame is over 100 years old. After my room comes the storage room , it’s packed with stuff I haven’t seen in decades, it all has to be sorted and most of it will be given away. from there I can start on the main floor.

I also have to clean and repair the house as Im doing all this, and due to MS it has gotten away from me, I will hire out for the major repairs, and eventually replace the fridge because it’s just 1 thing after another breaking down around here! well at least the fridge works, it’s the freezer part that crapped out, which is okay because I do have a small apartment sized deep freezer ( chest freezer) so the new (used) replacement fridge can wait awhile.

This year has been a write off, 2023 is a bust, it started off bad and the sh!t just keeps on coming with no end in sight, I have resigned myself to the fact that this year is a waste and I honestly can’t wait for it to be over.

June 4rth is my Birthday ( don’t wish me a happy birthday because I don’t celebrate getting old)… I am going to be 56 although I will outright lie to your face and say I am 48, I’m at the age where lying about it is socially acceptable so p!ss off…. I am really quite depressed about getting older… oh well, can’t stop time… well you can, the last time I tried I was put in a hospital which just makes life worse when released… like I said 2023 is a bust.

Mood wise I am feeling down, I think this is my new normal, I’m not particularly suicidal, just down and I am an emotional wreck, the tears are always just behind my eyes waiting, anything can trigger the tears, a song, a bad day, getting yelled at, stress or pressure, watching an episode of Bondi Vet featuring a tiny abandoned kitten with a broken leg the vet named cricket…. spoiler alert, the vet falls in love with the kitten and keeps her. it doesn’t take much to make me cry at all right now, hopefully I can get a hold of my emotions and get them under control soon because right now I seldom leave my house ( the yard doesn’t count as that is part of my safe zone) I go to Belle Plaine now and then , it’s a small village 12 miles west of me to get smokes, gas, milk and other quick stop stuff, I go to the city 2 or 3 times per month ( less if I have anything to say about it) I keep myself to myself right now as I can’t deal with people.

I don’t interact with others online much, just occassionally I’ll post something or leave a comment or a like just to let people know I am still around and still alive, I don’t chat much in messenger, really I have nothing much to say, I blog when I can, 2 or 3 posts for 2023 so far! I used to blog much more but honestly, I just can’t be @rsed right now, I just post when I have something to say, this blog has never been topic specific like so many others, it’s just my voice for my mundane messed up life, I write more for myself ( therapy) than for anyone else, I simply allow others to follow my life if they choose to do so.

Right now my life isn’t that interesting, Im struggling hard with mental health issues, but within the next week I hope to be working on some projects as I do every summer, so as they say, “stay tuned ” for that.

guess that’s about all I have to say.

Skye xo

 

 

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Sometimes…

Posted on May 24, 2023 by chaotic-princess

Sometimes …I want to run away & start over

Sometimes… I just want to give up

Sometimes… I get tired of life, of living

Sometimes… I feel confused & lost

Sometimes… I don’t feel like myself

Sometimes… I feel like a stranger in a strange land

Sometimes… I feel like I do not belong here

Sometimes… I wonder why I was even born

Sometimes… I feel like everyone would be better off without me

Sometimes… I feel like a failure

Sometimes… I feel like I don’t belong

Sometimes… I think I need help, but never ask

Sometimes… I think going to the hospital is worse for everyone including me

Sometimes …I live out my days full of past regrets

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Mental Health, My Stay @ the Psych Ward , Life, etc. etc.

Posted on February 27, 2023 by chaotic-princess

So, first post of the new year and it’s about life ( mine) sh!t that annoys me ( drives me up the wall) and of course my 2 weeks in a Mental hospital ( didn’t sign myself in, the ambulance and cops did) … 2023 is NOT off to a very good start!… oh well, sh!t happens right?… just pull yourself up by the boot straps and try harder and all that other mindless contrived drivel right?

So, yeah, humpty dumpty ( me) had a great fall … I ended up in the psych ward from February first to the fourteenth … complete melt down full on suicidal, had a plan ( and it would have worked) … long story short, cops came, ambulance came and I was committed, not willingly, but eh, sh!t happens! … I’m home now, have been since the 14th, keeping pretty much to myself, can’t be arsed with social media, same ol bullsh!t there, nothings changed, the right b!tching about the left and visa versa… the f*cking god warriors screaming praise god while jerking off to their favorite bible verses on every public page ( that has nothing to do with religious bullsh!t btw) … I wish they would keep their beliefs to themselves instead of ramming it down everyone else’s throats… it’s offensive… and it just makes the god warriors look like uneducated ignorant inbred clowns that are easily fooled…. oh wait… they are!! oopsie, my bad …. ( no offense meant towards actual clowns… )

So, for my sanity and everyone elses safety, it’s best if I just avoid social media until I am stable enough to deal with the mindless drivel, the maga chuds and inbreds… they really don’t want me to tell them how I really feel … at least not right now….

Don’t really know what to say about my stay on the psych ward… they kept me heavily sedated and numbed the first week, I don’t remember much of it really, wasn’t until the final 4 days there that I really started coming round and able to think for myself again… over all it wasn’t a bad stay, had my own room, own bathroom, privacy at least, they took my phone and everything else away when I got there, was a few days until I got the phone back, didn’t talk much to anyone with it, just played a couple games and listened to relaxation music mostly …

I like it, keeps me calm and relaxed and helps me heal my mind body and soul, I have a set list full of native flute music, shamanic drumming, Gregorian chants, Tibetan monk meditation stuff etc, all I find helpful, and it’s usually playing 24/7 in my house, either on my TV or through my stereo, or off the computer..

I am emotionally unstable right now, mentally I am not where I should be but I am slowly getting there I guess, I have good days and bad days, off days and meh days, my nerves are absolutely shot, I am very skittish and jumpy, but yet I keep on trying to get better, be better, do better.

Am I going to be the same person I was prior to my mental breakdown ?… not likely , no, no I doubt I will ever be the same as I was, I feel different, I can’t describe or explain that, I just feel different.

As I said earlier, I don’t really go on social media , I do go and scroll through quickly, like I said , same old bullsh!t … I don’t text anyone much either, just keep pretty much to myself, I just want and NEED ME time… I used to text a small handfull of people daily, hold long conversations with 1 or 2 … but not so much right now, if I text I text, if I don’t I don’t, I just need time for myself to heal, it’s hard to stay focused on healing when I am distracted by everyone else, I am to unstable to deal with others at the moment.

Some people will understand that I need time for myself, to try and rebuild my life and figure out the newer version of me , others will not understand and will remove me as a friend, that’s fine, Im not chasing anyone and I don’t want others chasing me, what ever will be will be… those meant to be in my life will be there and those that aren’t won’t… I don’t wish any negativity on those that choose to leave, in fact I wish them the best in life and nothing but happiness and love, our paths crossed for a reason even if I don’t know what the reason is…

I always say I’m tough, I can handle it, I’ll deal with it, I always win… and all of that is true, but what is also true is the fact that I don’t always want to be tough, I don’t want to always handle it, I don’t want to always deal with it… it’s exhausting, it takes a lot out of me, it takes more out of me than I receive in return and little by little I get worn down until I have nothing left to offer to anyone, including myself… I’M TIRED!!!

People know how tough I can be and am, and they expect nothing less from me, they expect me to magically deal with every situation, to resolve any issue, solve any problem, to persevere and keep going when most others would quit, to not take no for an answer, to always find a way, to always come out on top, to always win…. they expect all this and much more from me, then act in shocked disbelief when I finally snap , crash and burn, they don’t want to believe that I am just as mortal as them, that I am an ordinary human being, that I can fail… they expect me to just get up and keep charging forward again as though nothing happened.

Well, I have managed to stand back up , albeit shakily from this fall, but I am not able to charge forward again, I am slowly stumbling forward, somedays its 1 step forward and 2 steps back, other days its 3 steps forward and 1 step back, it’s going to take some time before I am able to confidently move forward again, just how long I do not know…. nor am I going to stress myself out over however long it takes, it will happen when it happens, no sooner, no later.

I am broken , broken in mind body and spirit right now and I do believe that no one can understand or know just how broken I truly am, my entire life, all the negative, all the trauma, all the physical, mental, and emotional abuse all came forward at the same time, I have severe PTSD , the doctor said the severity is usually only seen in combat veterans , not often in civilians, I am dealing with auditory hallucinations , I hear my mothers voice and hateful words, not inside my head on some psychological loop, but clear as day outside my body as though she was standing beside me… it’s kinda freaky to say the least, but I am slowly getting used to it, adjusting, and aware they are just auditory hallucinations, … she has been dead almost a decade or so.

It’s not just severe PTSD, I also have severe manic depression ( I have spoken of it many times in this blog over the years) I have been unmedicated and without psychiatric or therapist help for a few years, I did not willingly stop taking my meds, nor did I willingly stop seeing my therapist, I live rural, I am 45 miles outside the nearest city, I live in Canada where the weather is f*cking BRUTAL in winter, I don’t think you can possibly understand just how cold minus 45 Celsius ( minus 49 Fahrenheit) truly is unless you have experienced it, and I promise you, unless you live in Alaska… you haven’t !!… that is the only US state that gets as cold as it does here on the Canadian prairies … that’s just the actual temperature, add wind-chill factors and minus 55 C or F and below  is normal … I get it, you understand the numbers, but can not comprehend that kind of cold as you have nothing to compare it to. Well, this is typical winter for me, and metal breaks at such frigid temperatures, metal as in vehicle parts, axels, steering, engine blocks etc… yes I have a block heater and have had one with every vehicle I have had… it’s standard issue on Canadian vehicles, optional in most of the USA, unless the battery freezes my vehicles always start even at minus 55, but everything not heated freezes, transmissions, transfer cases etc… the fluids freeze in them and things expand when froze, or contract… metal contracts liquids expand… a whole lot can go wrong real fast in winters here… with my truck, it has aluminum rims .. aluminum contracts in sub zero temps, ( below minus 25) breaks the bead seal on the tire and goes flat… to air it up, find where the bead seal separated from the rim, give it a shot of basic tub and tile silicone sealant ( to seal the bead) air it up… try doing that at minus 35 … try getting that sealant out of the tube…so yeah that can ruin a day….

So anyway I missed 3 appointments a few years ago due to whatever vehicle not being able to start or something breaking in the winter, or severe road conditions … miss 3 appointments and they remove you from the client list… and that is how I wound up off my meds and without therapy…. getting a referral to Mental health is NOT easy, it took me very nearly dying to get a referral…

 

So it has taken me 3 days to write to this point in my bloggy….. which brings me to something that drives me up the wall… schedules and time frames… I do not plan too far ahead, it’s pointless, no matter how well I plan things, something outside my control always …and I do mean ALWAYS… screws those plans up, then I am left hurt and disappointed… I just barely tolerate those who make plans and have imaginary schedules that they expect me to follow… I just try to avoid conflict and agree with them knowing full well something will screw up their plans and schedules and in the end… I’ll take the blame.. somehow things beyond my control always end up being my fault…. I don’t really make plans and don’t follow schedules, I just roll with it, I set a goal and work towards it, taking things as they happen day by day good or bad until that goal is achieved, there is no set timeline, things happen when they happen and not before… this way no matter what I am never left hurt and disappointed… and I feel accomplished when that goal is reached.  world would be a lot less stressful if more people or the world adopted that simple way of life. be a lot less disappointment in this world thats for sure.

Do I know for sure which direction my life is headed at this point?… no, no I do not, as I said earlier, I feel like a different person, I do not feel like myself, and as I said, that is something I just can’t form into words to explain. … for now, I just live 1 day at a time and whatever happens happens, I have a lot on my personal plate to sort out, things to figure out, discover who the new me is, and of course recover and heal from my mental health issues and suicide attempt. I am very tired physically, mentally, and emotionally.

right now everything I do feels like I am doing it underwater, ever try to run or walk underwater? yeah, that is what every task feels like, I tire easily, just taking the garbage out is a heck of an effort and I need to sit for a few minutes when I am done… very low energy right now, even breathing feels off, the air feels very heavy and oppressive, thankfully breathing is something that happens automatically or I’d be in serious trouble… I am emotionally raw, very vulnerable, easily irritated, and just bypass anyone or anything that makes any sort of demands on me right now, Im not able to cope with much and am a nervous wreck, my nerves are absolutely shot… I really don’t think people understand just how messed up I truly am, they expect me to be tough and plow through…. there is no time frame for recovery and I refuse to put a limit on my healing and I refuse to allow anyone else to try and push me along, I will heal, I will recover, I will get back to some sort of life… but I will do it on my own time, it will take as long as it takes… thats it.

I am thinking on maybe going back to the hospital for awhile, this time I will sign myself in, I am just too overwhelmed and am really not doing well, I won’t wait until I am at the point of suicide this time, I’ll go long before I reach that point again… Im just not doing well, some days are better than others, but as I keep saying, I don’t feel like myself, something is seriously off or wrong and I can not figure out what exactly that is.

So that’s about all I have to say, took me 3 frickin days to get this much out, oh well, hope everyone’s new year is off to a much better start than mine.

Skye xo

 

 

 

 

 

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They’re Really Pink!, Last Day of Summer, Red Tape, On My Own

Posted on September 22, 2022 by chaotic-princess

so after a couple days of cold windy weather, I finally caught a fairly decent day, it wasn’t cold, but not hot either, I am going to guess around 17 Celsius (62 F), After I got home mid afternoon from the city ( will talk about that in a bit) , I decided to finish my mini power poles I made and posted about in the the previous bloggy post, so I just had to paint them up and they would be ready for use, I painted the green pressure treated posts with a coat of off white as a primer, to cover the green and the wood rot then grabbed a random can of paint, I opened it and it looked lavender or mauve … a light purple, in my defense it was a cloudy day and natural light made the color look darker than it actually was….. as it turns out, it’s pink, really really pink!!!

the mini power poles I made a few days ago with the first coat of paint, an off white, you can see the wood rot under the paint, this was 1 post and it was left laying on the ground in the bush for around 5 years, I cut it in half… the white paint did it’s job as a primer, added a layer of weather protection and will slow the rot, in theory these will last about 5 years.

Yup… that’s pink!! really really pink!! as you can see how shady and cloudy it is , made the paint look much darker in the can, so after the first brush stroke, I was pretty much committed to painting them pink! …. on the bright side, they will most definitely be a stark contrast against the snow this winter, not a chance of accidently bumping into one parking, even at night!!.. also guaranteed no one will steal them lol , pretty hard to hide pink posts!.. I’d almost bet I am the only person in Canada with pink mini power poles! ahahahahaha

Today, September 21, was the last day of summer , summer actually made it’s exit almost 2 weeks ago and the weather has been mostly cool with lots of arctic wind blowing in from the North, the leaves are falling off the trees, I figure I have about 2 weeks to finish last minute winterizing projects at most ( I am hoping mother nature makes a liar out of me and gives us an “Indian” summer ) < about 3 weeks of summer weather … but somehow I doubt that is going to happen.

Of course my little helper was out supervising me today, my shop cat

her name is pebbles, she is my neighbours cat, and she comes to visit when ever I am outside, she brings her kittens over to play with me, so at any given time I have 3 or 4 cats in my shop helping to make a mess, they catch the mice and bugs and eat them , or leave me a dead mouse on my bench, almost always in the same spot , I in turn give them snacks, fresh water and a bowl of cat food and take time from whatever I am doing to talk and play with them. I don’t mind, I enjoy their company as I do get lonely from time to time and they are a nice distraction, pebbles likes to lay there and chatter and watching me intently while I am working, and yes, I do answer her, she has the best stories about her back yard adventures!!

You’d think I’d have my new S.I.N. card by now…. but nope, I sent my application in around 10 weeks ago, I don’t know wtf happened to it, the government never answers their dang phones, always on hold for hours, so today I went to the city to the federal building to find out what is going on in person, yep that was a wasted trip, the person I need to talk to won’t be in until Monday… *sigh* so Monday I am off to the city …. yet again… arrrggghh!!

 

So I have had all summer to adjust to the idea of being alone, my kidlet is a grown man now and hasn’t been home in months, he has been staying in Odessa with a friend, and is moving in there permanently at the end of September, he is coming home for 3 days to a week to pack up his stuff and I am probably going to end up moving him …. I have no idea where Odessa is, it’s an hour or two east of me. no matter how long he has been gone, I took comfort that all his crap is still here in his room and he would have to come home eventually, I got used to being alone, so you would think him moving out permanently would be easy for me…. but it’s not, when he takes his stuff, it will be final … I am in a bit of a funk about that, I mean I am extremely proud of him, he is a good man, and he needs to fly on his own and make his own way in life, but on the other hand I am sad, my baby boy has grown up to be a great young man and doesn’t need me any more…. that’s an odd feeling for me.

Y’all have heard me say I am tired and don’t want to parent anymore, I just want my freedom back,…. well I got exactly what I wanted…. and now feel so sad. I guess this is what everyone calls empty nest syndrome? … I really don’t know, I have been mentally preparing for it all summer, and it was this summer that I realized just how big my yard actually is, just how big my humble little house on the prairie is, how much maintenance there is and how old I am getting…. first time in 6 years I have had to look after everything on my own, it’s not easy.

Suddenly my little paradise lost it’s shine and I really don’t wish to be here any more, I am stuck here until I get my S.I.N. card sorted and then a passport , so hopefully early 2023 I am saying good bye to Canada for good and starting a new life in Australia. xo

So that’s all I have to say for tonight

Skye xo

 

 

 

Posted in Blogs, Canada, Canadian Winters, chores, Country living, DIY, Life, life on the prairies, My Life, My personal experiences, parenting, personal thoughts, Photos, projects, Randoms, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Getting Sh!t Done, The Bite of Arctic Air, I’m Too D@mn Young To Feel This D@mn Old ( pics)

Posted on September 17, 2022 by chaotic-princess

So summer is over, to most non Canadians this would be autumn or fall, where the leaves turn color and look so pretty ( and they do) , but to Canadians we know this is Limbo… this is the time of year where every morning before our coffee, smoke, or pee… we look out the window to see if it snowed during the night… BTW… it’s getting to be Spring in Australia… the country my piddley @ss should be sitting in right now, but isn’t grrrrrr!!!!!!!

You can feel the cold Arctic air outside even during a pleasant day, it’s on the breeze, and it has a sharp bite to it, stay in the sun and it’s tolerable, if you have to do anything in a shaded area put on a light jacket or a sweater, the air smells like winter ( yes you can smell the seasons… if you pay attention) Out here in the middle of the Canadian prairies, I am on borrowed time now… each day that theres no snow and the temperature is above zero MUST be a productive day.

As you know most of this summer was a bust, I am very temperature sensitive now because of Ms, heat really is hard on me, and it’s been pretty much 35C – 38C ( 95F – 100.4F) < for you Americans , all summer , it is normally 28C (82.4F)- 32C (89.6F) this year , summer was excessively HOT, and I felt every degree in the temperature difference, I spent most of my summer indoors by the air conditioners, I have 4 of them, 2 small ones from Walmart ( the $99 Danby, 6oooBTU ) one in the hallway and one in my bedroom, both are about 10 years old and work well enough to keep the upstairs cool in the summer, and I have 2 on the main floor, a big new ( last summer) Frigidaire , it cranks arctic cold air, it’s a $1000+ unit I picked up second hand for $100 last summer, so it’s 2 years old now … works frickin great , 10,000 BTU , it’s at the very back room ( only window in the house it would fit in) and a small $99 Walmart Danby 6000 BTU in the kitchen/former dining room ….

That’s the big Ac at the back of the house , the one I had to build a stand for last summer, that was when I put a driver bit through my pinky finger if you remember, took 7 months to heal from that injury , the Ac weighs in at a whopping 300 pounds , it took my son , myself and a neighbour to muscle it up and into the window and onto the stand I had built for it.

That’s the little Ac’s I have, I have 3 of these, 2 upstairs, one on the main floor, the ones upstairs are about 10 years old , still work a bit loud now, but small price to pay for having a nice cool place to sleep, the one on the main floor is new ( last summer) and is quiet, the ones upstairs are a lot heavier than the newer one , I’d say just over 100 pounds, the ones upstairs that is, the newer one is maybe 60 pounds…. These kept me alive this summer, I’d have been in serious trouble if I didn’t have them, my Ms. was kept in check for the most part inside the house, every time I had to go outside I had all my energy drained almost instantly from the heat, then the “pins and needles” set in ( that feeling you get when your feet or hand falls asleep) , I feel that but imagine that being a sharp burning pain in my feet all the way up to my knees , the constant burning pain takes its toll on my mental health after a few days, so I use THC capsules to help with pain management and sleep

The strain I use is called Baker street … it works $35 per bottle , and yes you do get stoned off it, but not stupid stoned, just mellow, right f*cked up and can’t walk full on body stone, lasts about 5 hours if you are not used to it, if you have never tried it, start with the 2.5 mg capsule, just take 1 cuz it will knock you on your @ss, but you will be pain free and will catch up on your sleep… takes 20 to 40 minutes to kick in, you won’t really notice until you try standing up lol, I take 10 mgs 3X times per day, morning, afternoon, and night just about an hour before bed, I time my errands between doses, or if I have to be somewhere of any importance I skip a dose, so I spend a lot of time stoned, I’m fairly used to it those, this is my second year using the capsules so I have had time to adjust and be able to function more or less normally, and no, I do NOT drive while high, as I said if I have to go anywhere I will either skip a dose or go do what needs to be done between doses. It also has a pleasant benefit of keeping my manic depression under control , I do get down and depressed, but it’s not the deep manic episodes , more of a manageable give me a few days to pull myself out of this funk kinda depression… I have been off psych meds for almost 2 years now and am okay, not great, not on top of the world, but I’m doin okay… I can deal with whatever comes my way at least… and I do have a great deal going on in my life at the moment, things beyond my control so all I can do is stay calm, not let it get to me and just keep working on those issues, sooner or later they will be resolved.

So I have managed to complete some more projects , I put together another bench for my out door fire place

It took a couple days,  I decided to not put a back rest on it, to both save time and I am running low on suitable wood , at the time of the build I had used up all my 2×4’s I have since acquired 4 more 2x4s from taking apart my old Adirondack bench that I built about 15 years ago, it was falling apart and not worth repairing, it’s quicker to just build another ….

I had meant to take a pic before I started taking my old Adirondack apart, but I got over excited as soon as the ax was in my hands, about half way through I remembered to take a pic … oops , as you can see it was badly weathered and rotted after 15 years of sitting out in the Canadian prairie weather, it really didn’t take much effort to dismantle it, I think 5 or 6 swings of the ax and it was all finished. I managed to salvage a couple 2×4’s from it and that’s it, the rest just crumbled, wood is so rotted it’s not even good for fire wood so I just tossed it in the bin.

And again this year I am moving rocks, really really big rocks, some weighing in at 300 pounds , yes these are the same rocks I acquired last year from my neighbor and used to line my driveway, I am moving them because I need to be able to shovel a path from the truck to the house and for my neighbour Dewy to be able to run his snow blower to clear the path after a really bad storm, he comes over when it gets real bad and helps me out and I am grateful,  so this winter I want to make it easier for both of us …. also tripping over big rocks is not fun, so they are being stacked at the end of my drive way just in front of my shop for the winter…

I still have about 30 more to move, they are really big and really heavy solid granite ones, I can move 1 then sit for a few minutes, catch my breath and move another, it will take me at least 2 days to move them.

So I made 2 mini power poles to put in my drive way this winter, since my son is moving out at the end of the month, I will be the only one left to shovel the snow, so I am parking at the end of my driveway down by the street, so I only have about 5 feet of driveway to shovel, plus a foot path to the house , my drive way is 40 feet long by 10 feet wide, and I have lost 2 cars and the truck in snow banks in my driveway… Im getting too dang old for that type of shenanigans’ so I am trying to make my life this winter as easy as possible….

I just set them up as a demonstration of what the finished poles will look like, the wire has not been secured to the top yet ( too early for that) as you can see I added reflectors and solar lights to the posts and a power cord organizer, there wont be all that extra cord , maybe just 10 feet of extra cord when everything is done and set up for the winter, I want to paint them , I will do that by hand though, not with the spray gun, as I have to paint around the lights and the over spray on the pole would be unreal , so I have half a can of purple paint that my friend Judy gave me, so I will have purple poles , shouldn’t miss them in the snow ahahahaha…

So that is what I have done since the last post, I still have to work on my storm doors , today I just needed to rest, I wore myself out doing all of this, and moving those rocks really did me in, you can see the rocks along either side of the drive way that I still have to move … ugh!

I am getting too old for this sh!t, I am only 55 yrs old, I should not feel like I am 90 yrs old, but I do, I am always tired and feel weak,… between aging and Ms it’s amazing I get anything accomplished.

So that’s about it for now, I will keep taking pics of what I am doing to keep everyone up to date, so until next time xo

Skye xo

Posted in Blogs, Canadian Winters, chores, Country living, DIY, Health, Life, life on the prairies, mental health, My Life, My personal experiences, Personal Health, personal thoughts, Photos, projects, Randoms, seasonal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Getting Sh!t Done, The Bite of Arctic Air, I’m Too D@mn Young To Feel This D@mn Old ( pics)

Bench Painted & Learning Curves, Silliness, Observations, MS & Mental Health

Posted on August 27, 2022 by chaotic-princess

So that Bench I have been working on is finally finished and painted ….

Excuse the overspray, I never used an airless spray gun before so it was a bit of a learning curve, once I got the spray pattern sorted and the mist thickness/ thinness dialed in it was pretty straight forward, I really like that sprayer, its easy to use and clean , it’s loud but the point is it works, with a full paint canister it weighs in around  5 & 1/2 kg’s ( 12 lbs) , and yup, I felt the weight, when I was done my arm was shaking for almost 30 minutes, ( Im not physically strong so holding 12 pounds with one hand for 20 minutes really knocked the p!ss outta me)  pffftttt!!

I made a pretty big mess on my out door work bench, paint spills , and of course I wore a fair amount …. the airless spray gun has a hair trigger… who knew? so I accidentally shot myself with paint a couple of few times , shot the bench, the saw horses, the side of the shop, neighbors cat too…. someone really needs to put a safety on that thing!!

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So I made a new Meme today…

I usually call it my Hoo Hoo… but decided it’s to0 cute and needed a new name so there pffffttt!!

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So I have noticed a major shift on social media…. the Common sense, live and let live people and those who are all for Equality for ALL … are stepping up and putting an end to that Maga bullsh!t and speaking out against the fascist christians … putting the right wing conservatives back in their place… it’s good to see finally…. I may not be happy that it took you all so long to speak up, but I am grateful that you all are finally speaking up, so thank you xoxo

I was tonight years old when I realized that TERFS are the female equivalent of male INCELS… it’d dawned on me when I tangled with one online who was goin off on a trans girl about bathrooms…. you all know me, I will stand up for anyone being bullied… so I stood up for the trans girl and it wasn’t long before other women and men were defending the trans girl… the TERF was run right out of the group …. an Atheist group no less, not an LGBTQ group… I also observed ( over a long period of time) that Atheists generally don’t give a crap about a persons gender or sexuality or skin color or ethnicity… that seems to be almost a Theist only issue …. just things that make me go hmmmmm….

Also did you notice how strange it is that only those that believe in a god are the ones who get possessed by demons and require exorcisms? hmmmmm…. that sh!t never happens to Atheists…. you’d think an Atheist would get possessed by Angels or perhaps god himself …. I mean it makes sense… that would most certainly make Atheists believers… but would they require an exorcism? or would would everyone claim it was a blessing and let the Atheist keep the Angel in them for themselves? hmmmmm….

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So my MS is only slightly worse physically this year compared to last year, and a lot of that has to do with the climate change that has given us a harsh summer, and a short one at that… it’s either entirely too hot for me to function , heat triggers a flare up , or it’s rainy …. so I am still mobile, I tire easily but can still function and get around pretty much normally, as long as I have that I’ll consider it a victory…. MS comes with mental health issues, as in it causes them… I am already Bipolar and the MS does indeed make it worse, I have to struggle harder to remain stable, MS also sometimes causes me to lose focus on people, or whatever I am doing for a few moments… much like zoning out …. the most frightening change for me is forgetting something simple, I can remember complex or difficult things but sometimes I forget the simplest of things and that does scare me…. I take a certain pride in my intelligence and uncanny ability to retain knowledge and information…I can remember conversations ( both sides) from 20 years ago… word for word… yet am prone to forget what you told me 5 minutes ago… my short term memory slips no and then, I will remember the entire conversation a day or two later… thats very frightening to me, I don’t really tell anyone, I suffer in fear quietly and deal with it as best as I can, I dont want to be a problem or a burden to others so I say nothing, and my worst fear is those that I’ve developed relationships with be it friend or someone I love, abandoning me because my MS is too much for them ,  I get along well enough and can generally bluff my way through, most people don’t pay enough attention to me to notice if I am following along with the conversation or if Im no longer present anyway… so its not an issue right now. so yeah, theres that .

That’s about all I have to say for now

Skye xo

 

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Bench Progress, Maybe Tomorrow, Winter Garden, Odds n Ends

Posted on August 17, 2022 by chaotic-princess

So, Progress is being made on my build a bench project I decided to put extra wide feets on it so our wicked prairie winds that can blow in excess of 100kph don’t blow it over, I put the cross beam on so it never gets wobbly and set the slate table top between the seats …. I am not sure if I am going to raise the slate top 6 to 8 inches or not just yet, I still have to put the front and back skirting on yet…

as I said previously when I get this done I will learn how to use my new airless spray gun and paint this bench and make it look all pretty .

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So my new phone and new you tube camera still hasn’t arrived * sigh…. maybe tomorrow, my friend in the USA said it would take 6 to 10 days to get here, its been 7 business days so  far and i am getting excited and impatient… I had them buy me both down in the USA a month ago because they are far cheaper there, the phone would be $700 in Canada , they got it for $300 in the US, the video camera would have been $400 in Canada, they got it for $189 in the USA!! , if it’s not here soon I’m gonna die for sure… the anticipation will kill me!!… and no, my friend didn’t take my money and rip me off, they always send me what I ask for and have for the last 5 years so pfffffftttt!!!

This is the camera I got my friend to get for me …

4K Camcorder Video Camera ORDRO AE8 FHD 1080P 60FPS 48MP WiFi Video Camera Recorder 4K IR Night Vision Camcorder 3.0” IPS Infrared Camera Ghost…

I will be a lot more active on you tube as soon as this arrives…..

As for the phone, I have no idea what kind of phone they got me, I asked what type of phone and all they would tell me is ..A Purple One!!! pfffttt pfffffftttt pfffttt!!!!!

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So I am gonna leave a surprise in my garden for my friend Judy … before I leave for the land down under I am gonna plant a winter crop of garlic, beets, radishes, onions, and turnips … they should pop up next spring/early summer just before gardening season officially starts …. Judy asked if she could use my garden next year , so yes, yes of course, I didn’t get a garden this year, but have put in a lot of work to get the soil just right for next year.

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As for my MS, I am chugging along as best I can, I am still mobile and able bodied, I am just slower than normal now, and I get tired easily, I’ve lost some flexibility but nothing serious really, on a pain scale of 0 to 10 , 0 being no pain and 10 being the kill me now severe pain, I am usually constantly at a 4 … I can tolerate the constant pain and am used to it, it does get mentally tiring after awhile, constant non stop pain will do that to a person, sometimes I cry myself to sleep because the constant pain takes so much out of me, sometimes the weather makes the pain worse, up around a 6 or 7 … heat is my enemy, really hot days are painful to me, and really cold days make my body stiffen.

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Today I stayed in the house because my MS is bothering me, I feel very tired and run down so I just did house cleaning instead, not a really difficult task now as I have 90% of the deep cleaning done, so it’s pretty much just normal clean up, my house smells very nice 🙂

I tried to nap but my body wouldn’t let me, I just couldn’t get comfortable, sucks to be me sometimes, but, tomorrows a new day, I am hoping to get some yard work done tomorrow, then maybe do some more work on my bench, I have some more big rocks to shuffle around and stack, I usually manage to move a couple every day, over all today has been an easy day, wish I could say relaxing, as I said I am very tired and really need sleep, but at least I did get something done today so even though it was basic house cleaning, I feel like I had a productive day.

So I guess that’s all I have to say for now

Skye xo

 

 

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