Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

 I wrote a post a while ago about the men I have loved in my life. As I heal and grow to recognize what constitutes a healthy and unhealthy relationship I realize that I had no business being with any of them. It's not to say that someone needs to be perfect and without flaws, however I intentional sought out and attracted men with flaws. I could not recognize a healthy relationship because I never spent time with people who had healthy relationships. I could not attract a healthy man to me because he could see immediately that I was/am a hot mess and would immediately go the other way.  As time goes on I am getting better about recognizing men who have the qualities that I need, but I am still stuck in my old patterns and will continue to sabotage relationships with my shortsightedness (I think I made that word up). To be more than halfway through my life and just now recognizing how my own toxicity has played into my past relationships. I take responsibility for the damage. ...

 My heart is so heavy. I found out a few minutes ago that a colleague of mine passed away yesterday. We were not close, but we were starting to become more friendly. I actually rejected her friendship when she first approached me (remember, I am not a people person) but recently she came to me and shared some information that caused me to trust her. It was just a few weeks ago and we weren't friendly but we were amicable. I wonder if she knew when she approached me that day that her time was short. Our conversation went something like this...be careful who you share your information with. I keep to myself and mind my business but I am still cordial. She said to not let people on the job get me down and basically to stop waiting for everything to be right. To live for today. She said she had trips planned and she wasn't afraid of Covid. She had just gotten married last year (or the year before) and she seemed to be content with her life. She did not appear to be in poor health b...

 When I was little I almost drowned. Twice. Once in a lake when I was toddler and again when I was around 5 or 6 years old. It was in that same span of time that I suffered a lot of irreparable childhood trauma that I am just now coming to terms with damn near half a century later.  I digress.  Well, maybe not. I am sitting here remembering how afraid I used to be of the water. That is until a man name Francoise taught me how to swim. It was nothing but God that allowed him to gain my trust enough to teach me. I say that because I had already been violated by men at that point in my life. It's a wonder that I allowed any man to gain my trust. I had to trust him not only with my life but also that he too would not violate me. In hindsight, it is sad that a child my age had to overthink it but I was also a child and obedience more than anything was the real reason I allowed Francoise to guide me into the water, hold me gently, and eventually teach me how to move effortlessl...

 I just discovered today that in an African language my name means I AM. I love that and I am going to start using it. That's it. That's that post. 

SHE LET ME GO😕 I think my counselor fired me. I think I mentioned that I wasn't really vibing with her after our first meeting. She told me that she thought I didn't need counseling anymore. As we all know THAT is not true. 😂  It never seems to work out when I do counseling and I haven't even scratched the surface of my deeper issues yet. In any event, I am going to take a break and seek out a real counselor through my employer next. WHAT'S IN A NAME I just discovered today that my name has a different meaning than I thought it did. It is a Quranic name for girls that is derived from the flow of a river, and the waves of the sea. I think that is so fitting since I've had this contentious relationship with water my whole life. Ironically water brings me peace. You would think I was a water sign the way I am drawn to water.  FAUX FRIENDS I wonder if I will ever find a friend who will accept me for who I am, flaws and all and without judgment. I guess that is someone...

I have appreciated having time to regroup and rest. I am starting to feel like myself again, slightly. Still low motivational but able to do basic things and maintain my responsibilities. I feel healthy and strong. I had both doses of the Covid-19 vaccine despite my reservations. You know me, as an earth sign I adhere to the adage better safe than sorry.  Last night I opened up the windows while we had what seemed to be a mild tropical storm. I had nightmares. I was finally able to sleep peacefully after closing the house back up. The energy in the atmosphere is very strong. The weather has been unpredictable. Warmish in the 70s one day and then temps will drop 30 degrees overnight. Today after raining all day yesterday it is 45 degrees and overcast.  I have been wanting to get back to traveling but my spirit is telling me that there is a false sense of security being created right now. How are vaccination rates rising yet Covid cases also continue to rise. I am seeing videos ...