Little Moments Along The Way

I wonder how much of it was due to my stubbornness, my selfishness, my pride, my ungratefulness? And how much of it was due to him?

My girl is turning 4 years old soon. That means it’s 5 years into marriage life. But at times, it does feels like there were more sad days than happy days. Yeah, my kids make me happy. But there gotta be more to marriage life than just kids? There gotta be more than just responsibilities.

I used to feel I’m beautiful, and that I was beautiful whenever I smiled. But honestly now I just don’t like taking photos as much already because I don’t feel or look beautiful already, not even when I smile. Sometimes, I need to practice smiling for photo to turn our nice. I just got uglier as time passes.

I’m wondering what is God’s purpose for all this? Am I rlly that terrible that there is so much for God to correct in me? Do I not deserve love or I am still not grateful enough? Am I greedy? Am I asking for too much?

I have this one married girl friend, who always tell me “have no expectations so you will have no dissapointments, and you will be happy when the other one do a little something”. I have always defy her teaching, ajaran sesat in my personal opinion.

But of late, I may have come to understand that it’s likely her sentence comes out after facing a huge dissapointment and yet there is no way out.

It’s been so long, i have even forgotten what’s the password to my own blog. Today I decided to come back, with a new password of course (thank you to my old and faithful email of 18 years). I need to explore and re-learn this whole blog setting again cuz seems like it has changed too.

I hope this is a good new start. I used to be able to put my thoughts to words easily once my fingers hit the keyboard. It was a space i could explore my emotions and thoughts, so much better than talking to people sometimes. Well, at least my blog won’t judge me for being myself.

Let’s begin – I am 33 this year. Definitely aged. I now have two lovely kids who fills up my entire day and night and even my phone space. I love my kids to the moon and back, and dont mind spending all my weekends for them. To say they are my world is un understatement. Just that recently i’ve learnt that mothers are individuals themselves too. But mothers tend to lost themselves in the journey of being young parents. I have dreams and hobbies and things i love doing before becoming a mother. But for past 4 years, none of that was part of me cuz i was fully occupied being mother to my two super lovely kids.

I hope this space will help me find back my passion in life, my old forgotten dreams, and perhaps a new look to life. One where i can enjoy being mother to my kids and still have my passion and dreams. Or will i end up forever just reminiscing good ol’ dreams of my youth.

And of course, i need a space to rant freely and not be judged. Historically, i ended up gathering my thoughts and feeling much more composed after ranting.. not that i don’t have friends… Let’s just say today i don’t feel like talking to human… One thing remains, i still like pink though i dont wear pink and buy all things pink. There will be a lot more pink words from now forward so live with it!

With love, myself.

That’s right! She’s Fenny Chia!!! previously Fenny Soo but married to Paul Chia now , kekekekekke.. a lil quite happy cuz its like Fenny-Cheah-Cheah Yen, haha!!!

I rlly like Fenny a lot 😉 She’s still the best cell leader ever! I was in her cell for 2 semesters i think 😉 She prayed for me a lot, taught me so many things about God and living as christians on earth.

I just had an amazing time of whatsapp call with Fenny over the phone. seasons are changing. But Fenny is still the same, still genuine and sincere in her words, never stingy with her advices, and would laugh over small jokes~~

We spent good 1.5hrs talking about marriage life, communication between couples and stuff.. and we didnt even get to talk about other stuff like the knitting project I’m on, her uni life, my wedding preparation~~~ tsk tsk!!

I’m just really really glad (no words could describe the feeling actually), that we get to spend such a time to just catch up and share things after 4years of not catching up.. Now that we are , i would rlly love to continue doing so every now and then.. i will not let age, tiredness and laziness stop me from spending quality time again with people dear to me..

Thank you for still being a blessing to me, Fenny. I really appreciate you.

Love ya, Fen!!!

P/s: Owh today i get to greet Paul, her beloved husband! Nice voice!! Good choice Fenny!!!!

Yesterday morning i got a msg from linfoong. well i get msg from her everyday, like every morning before i open my eyes, her msg would be there already, most of the time its nothing important really. So anyways she sent me a link “reading linfoong’s blog” … i clicked in and read, it was about the trip we made before all 3 of us parted ways- one to UK, one to Indon, one to Perth… ohh how i missed her back then. haha 😉 and she replied that she missed me too~~~

today while msging my sis, i randomly asked if she read my blog last time.. she said she did, when she missed me .. i went like “ooh i didnt know u missed me” .. she was like “yea, when u weren’t home”.. honestly it made me teared… after so many years only to find that my sis somewhat missed me at times, while i was away in foreign land having a blast..

i got home tonight and pondered… how have technology changed our standards of communications…

back in those times when whatsapps wasn’t created, we used to get really excited and happy when we got this once-a-year call from a dear friend, or a snail mail from family members, or even just a SMS from oversea. It actually made my heart jumped, skipped a beat, and felt blissful for the rest of the week, because a friend thought of me and missed me…

now that communication has been made easy, and whatsapps is the gold standard for communication, we get to msg for free everyday 24/7… but what changed…? now if i get a msg from a friend after one year of not msging, it actually made me ponder twice, how cold and far has our friendship became.. we somewhat felt stranger to each other, not having much idea what to talk… but then again, is it really the case that our friendship has drifted? have us taken free communication for granted that we no longer feel that great if someone (suddenly) msg us after a period of time.. if u know what i mean…

you are still my precious friend no matter what. thank you for sticking by faithfully 😉 to whomever is reading this. i thank God for this friendship.

here’s this song for u, my dear friendssss.

Was just talking to kelvin about this lady’s solid singing in one of the Joshua Band’s song, and he told me that she sang this song too, and it was even more powerful. Indeed.

Be blessed.

29th Birthday pressie from my sis

It was friday night, 3rd of June 2016, just 2 days before my birthday this year. I got home after 1.5hr of journey  from Tapah and retired to room early that night. Sis came and told me of her experience of buying books at Kingdom City bookshop. She then went out and came in again, and handed me a book. Ta-dah!! i got my first birthday pressie this year from her!

It’s a 90-days devotional book.

It took me two days to realised that the title of this book used to be the exact same title of a song that i loved so very very much for very long time. “No Greater Love” by Rachel Lampa. 

Humming the long-forgotten song brings back all the great memories of what i called “my glorious pasts”, it all just came back like flashcards.

During my uni years, i used to love christian books, bought heaps of them from Koorong bookshop regardless of their sales period, and books used to be one of the best birthday present to give to anyone! I used to received books, and books and heaps of more books for presents. I guess my main point is not about receiving book as presents but rather ….

is it the long-forgotten great delight of giving away a great book to bless the other person, the long-forgotten great wisdom and strength i used to received from reading these books, the long-forgotten sound peace upon my troubled heart after reading.. the long-forgotten joy of just having regain wisdom, strength, comfort, peace again…

Long-forgotten also were the days when i used to love waking up to freezing winter morning and decided to spend my day drinking coffee and reading a few pages of book followed by blogging and spending times with my awesome bunch of friends..

Long-forgotten were the great times i shared with people.. and they are not just people.. i used to call them my very own angels, that was sent by God to bless me- to show me how to love, to teach me how to enjoy life, to laugh out loud and to also cry together… people that i could use no better word to describe how awesome they have been, and how much they meant to me in this uni season of my life..

There were so many other things that i’ve forgotten over the course of these 4 years in Malaysia.. So much so that upon reading back, i realised the me-today is rather different from the me-back-then.. i spent a good few hours last night just reading and finding myself falling in love with the me-back-then. What a happy-going, cheerful, funny, random gal i used to be. one that found reason to smile and laugh in almost everything. Love God so very much too. Literally, fall in love with the me-back-then!! Just can’t say enough, this me-back-then was really fascinating! and lovable!

It felt like the me-today have been tattered by what i chose to believe as “unfavourable conditions” of living in Malaysia.. no longer that God-loving, fascinating, charming, lovable, sweet lady, other than the fact that i’m also growing older, merely hanging by the 20s now..

One memory led to another, and another and another.. and that led to thoughts.. and desire of wanting to start blogging again.. maybe its one way to reflect, reconcile and rekindle with that old-me-self.. okie, probably not gonna be the old-me.. but a new-me that will love God, love life better, smile and laugh better.. and just have reason to love the people around me better..

One step at a time. I am glad today is the first step in 4 years.

Hie there! maybe to no one at the moment, but it’s okie! Hie me!!!

it’s been 4 years since i last wrote anything to myself 😉  I am back , and i feel like writing all over again! Reading back those few posts makes me smile. Hehe, as expected by me of 4 years ago, that the me-of-4-years-later will be smiling while reading back. Gosh, I love me back then! ohh my fav colour is still pink!

No doubt for the past 4 years, many things had happened. All events took places where it aught to and were meant to be. And now here i am, turned 29 yesterday, and realised i am biding farewell to my 20s real soon. Too much that i’ve ( you’ve) missed in this 4 year of absence from writing. Yet so much more to write that i don’t know where to start.

Lets just take one step at a time. I miss u, wordpress!

As of now, my favourite song “A Higher Throne” is playing.

Okie, i forgot how to change the colour of the font….