Remembering you, dear friend!

Posted in my friends, my journey with God, my life, my thoughts by

I have been procrastinating the action of reviving the blog. The thought has always been there but… the action is hard to come by. So what was that strong pushing factor that got my lazy self to jump into action today? A passing of a dear friend. He wasn’t just a friend. He was my brother, one of the influential people who grew up together with me. He is someone without whom this blog will not exist.

The news came on March 30 when another friend from the same hometown called me. She was already sobbing in the call. She broke the news, I was dumbfounded. We were trying to deny that what we heard/read was true. We waited. We researched on the internet and made phone calls to verify the shocking news. Within the same hour, our broken heart broke all over again (from debris to dust) when the church confirmed the news. I was shaken to the core. No words. No tears but lost and in pain. That was Thursday (30.03.2017).

 

Friday – 31.03.2017

On Friday morning, jiejie (wife of the deceased) made an announcement on social media. I was hoping that Thursday was a dream and that we would start afresh on Friday. But no, no turning back. It was harder than I thought it would be. What will happen to his widow and toddler? How to accept? How to move on? It was devastating. On our journey back to Kampar that evening, I revisited the memories we shared. Tears started flowing. When I had gathered my thought, I wrote to him on social media, assuring him he has left a great legacy behind. I cried myself to sleep that night. Still in pain. My sleep was interrupted.

 

Saturday – 01.04.2017

I remember that night was particularly painful because I was crippled by the fear of attending his wake service. The last time I saw him in that church was for his wedding! He was vibrant, handsome and all excited to celebrate that special day in his life. But this time, he will be lifeless and lying motionless in the coffin. I dreaded attending the wake service, knowing very well I have no words for jie jie. I spoke to pastor – she reminded me of the greatest Comforter our lives. I prayed and named my fears to Him. I slept like a log that night. I am blessed to have my prayers answered.

 

Sunday – 02.04.2017

I was in two minds about whether to attend and decided to pay my last respect in the end. When we got there the hall was still quite empty. I saw jiejie. I held her and we sobbed. No words. I went and saw him in the casket. He is in deep sleep. My tears did not stop flowing that night. In fact, it flowed even more when I saw his son walking down with his grandparents and asking to see ‘daddy’ in the casket. Oh God – how do we move on from here? There were many eulogies shared by different lives my dear brother has touched in his short visit here on this side of heaven. By the end of the night, I am proud to have cross paths with him, let alone spending 20 years through different chapters of life together. I left the service with peace in my heart. This peace is the peace that only God alone can give. It was a closure for me.

 

Tuesday – 04.04.2017

I did not make it for the funeral. On my way to work, I had this playing in my mind. I saw him waving to me with that signature smile of his. No words. Then a man came, put his arms on my friend’s shoulder. They both turned and walked into a very bright space. I smiled. I know where my dear friend is heading and I am at peace. God has been so gracious, assuring me time and again that I am not alone. He would gently nudge and whisper, ‘Hey, it’s ok. I am here.’ What better assurance do I need to weather this season in life?

That same afternoon, I was already telling another fellow sister on my mission when I get to heaven. I will find this friend, thank him for the legacy and then pull his ear for making us cry oceans of tears. That scene was just very assuring. This is the beautiful hope that believers of Christ receive. Death is not a defeat. It is not the end. Hallelujah!

 

Today

I mustered the courage to pen down the chronology of event here. I wouldn’t deny that there will be a void to fill and I acknowledge that this void can only be filled by the Lord, the Giver and Taker of life. And I am confident that the Lord is merciful and He understands. That gives me much more courage and peace to move on with life. Prior to today, I forgot how to live in the now because most of the time was occupied with fear and worry. But God has told me otherwise. 🙂 Live well just like my dear friend did. I want to emulate him and touch the many lives he has touched.

Dear ter, you have touched so many lives!!! Your legacy is loud and clear. I am proud to have known you. Wait for me in heaven, I will come and reunite with you. Till we meet again, dear friend! Rest assured that while we miss you, we will also live. We will live well, just like you did.

He is my Deliverer

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In the course of dealing with the anticipated grief, God has been so very gracious in comforting and assuring me. I miss being this close (again) in His presence. I remember enjoying moments like this with Him in the two-room apartment I used to stay in Denton. The journey in the US has always been marked as the honeymoon I had with Papa as I nursed the badly infected wound back then. I came out stronger from the fall because I know I am loved by the King of kings.

Coming back to this episode of accepting my faithful furry friend in this state that she’s in is rather painful. I cried and cried harder when I think about going back to my parents’ home without the little four legged friend’s presence. My sister said, ‘I will never be prepared for this day. Going back to the home without her is…sad.’ Yes I couldn’t agree more with her.

Last Saturday was Ally’s check up date. We took her to the vet praying and hoping that there is no need for eyeball removal. Mum has religiously cleaned and care for both her eyes in the past 10 days. All precaution steps were taken to ensure Ally will be able to return to the Lord in a complete body. We pleaded to Papa to have mercy on us. From my conversation with my parents, I think they would have accepted the fact that Ally is visually impaired and that her days are probably numbered given the fact that we joked about distributing her ashes equally into 3 shares. Anyways, the vet was rather busy that day. We waited for about an hour. Ally started shivering when we took her into the consultation room. The steel table was icy cold and the chemical smell would have triggered some memories for this little pooch. She spent 2 weeks there when for her corneal ulcer operation in Oct 2013. The vet examined her left eyeball quietly but meticulously. He wiped the tears from her eye and said, she has made a great progress from the last visit. The vet’s smile was comforting. We know God has delivered and answered the prayers of many who are concerned. My soul burst into praise for the Almighty Creator, celebrating the victory! Papa has made my little friend a fighter! Such a feisty little one!

I recalled the events that took place before last Saturday and I began to see how Papa has worked on the journey back to Kampar. In the dream I had on Sunday (01.03.2015), I remember hearing this “Yes, I’ll deliver’ and I recognised the peace that He has bestowed on me that night. I literally felt that the stone on my heart has been lifted. I slept like a baby that night. 🙂 On Wednesday morning, I received a text message from Anil’s cousin taken from Ps 34:4-5 saying: ‘I sought the Lord, and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.’ He then reassured me that He is my Deliverer! On Thursday, Pastor Yong forwarded 2 bible verses that her church member sent to her. The church member claimed that Papa wanted her to send this to Pastor. So Pastor Yong read the verses and sent it to me knowing that Papa wants me to know this: “Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep. O Lord, you preserve both man and beast (animal).’ I was lost for words when I experience His great and deep love again. :’) GOD IS SO GOOD!

Looking back, I had butterflies in my stomach when waiting at the vet with mum and Ally. I kept praying and asking the Lord to deliver. I meditated on another bible verse I received that morning, ‘May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)’. He once again calmed my troubled being. I stood completely in awe before the Lord knowing that He has my entire family in His mighty hands. I was choked with tears of joy as we left the clinic victoriously knowing that my Lord, the Creator of Ally has delivered us once again!

Hallelujah! To God be the glory!!!

Her pain has drawn me closer to God

Posted in my journey with God, my precious by

I saw her scratching her left eye during Chinese New Year. It didn’t occur to me that that was the beginning of the anticipated grief process. Dad and mum found out that Ally’s left eye is swollen shortly after I have left for KL. She was so lifeless and totally inactive unlike her innately bubbly self. Dad and mum took her to the vet in Ipoh and the diagnosis for the left eye was glaucoma. Ally had already lost her 50% vision in Oct 2013 when her right eye was contracted to corneal ulcer. The news last week has broken many hearts – hearts that love and care for this faithful fur ball. She is now 100% blind. If the eye is still swollen after the medication, that would require removal of her left eyeball. 😥

i was devastated. I held and hugged her before leaving for KL again last Sunday. I was fighting my tears, putting up a brave front as I told my mum not to worry too much. I was trying to not think about Ally as I drove back to KL. Thank God there was Anil to talk to me about other things in life. That had alleviated the pain a little. We made it home in good time. Traffic was not too bad that Sunday night. But the traffic in my heart was bad – it was all jammed with the many memories I had with the fur ball. After unloading the stuffs and washing up, I retreated to the couch, turned on the TV (claiming that I want to watch the last episodes of the HK TVB drama I’ve been following but that was a cover up) and started writing message to Uncle Sam. He has been someone I always confide in. I know he could understand my feeling because he is a dog lover himself. I started crying as i typed. Anil came out from the room but failed to realise that I was already crying. I went into the bedroom, lied on the bed and started sobbing. The good husband gave gentle strokes on my back and told me it’ll be all right but my mind knows it may not. I started texting my sister. We exchanged a few messages and one of which made me cried harder – my mum was thinking of locating a pet cremation centre in Ipoh, acknowledging the fact that the 13 years we’re having might draw a close soon. I bawled for an hour before I got knackered. I prayed and pleaded the Lord to heal her sight but if it doesn’t happen, can her eyeball stay where it is.

Strangely after I said Amen in between the big sobs and struggling to breathe, I felt the peace. I recognise this peace. This is the peace that I’ve experienced with Papa. This is the peace that surpasses all understanding and only my Lord could give. I knocked out shortly after that. That night I had a dream. I heard and remembered very clearly this phrase in the dream, ‘Yes, I will deliver.’ I am comforted to have heard this in the dream. I shared with Anil and my sister and that was Monday morning. The long day at work has created a conducive environment for the heart to grief again. As I was driving home from office, I cried. I cried because I thought about how precious and little Ally was when we first took her home. We taught her how to run up the staircase, played hide and seek and cuddled her whenever there is a chance to. I remember there was one time I took a bus home from KL in my schooling days. There wasn’t any buses from KL to Kampar, so I bought one heading to Ipoh. I asked daddy to wait for me at the Bidor toll exit and walking on the highway at night is very scary. As I was approaching dad’s truck, I tripped and fell. I started crying. At that point in time I understand the route to go home can be very difficult at times and it requires a lot of effort (figuratively). I was sobbing when I got into the car. Ally was there, she knows I was crying. She came to me, licked my face and planted herself on my lap with her tail wagging. My heart breaks for now she no longer see and maybe, she will never lick my face again. 😥

I cried when I got home. I cried when i was having dinner with Anil. My tears were the condiments I added into the fried rice. I didn’t speak much that night, only provide short answers to Anil’s questions. I calmed myself down after dinner and the tears stopped flowing. I went to bed with a pair of exhausted tear ducts and swollen eyes. I don’t remember crying this much since my uncle’s passing in 1995.

I wrote a post in my Facebook about Ally. My cousin commented that it is almost an eulogy. I don’t deny. I get teary when I read comments written by friends and loved ones. I know I have to be strong for my parents who are the primary caretakers for Ally. So, my strategy was to cry all I want behind them so that I will no more tears to cry when I’m with them.

This morning I received a bible verse from Anil’s cousin, taken from Ps 34:4-5.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

The word ‘delivered’ appeal to me. I know Papa has heard our cry and seen our tears. I do not know what tomorrow holds but I know for sure who holds my tomorrows. I am less emotional now when I address this issue. I acknowledge that Ally will go (although I don’t know when and how) but the place she’s going is a place where her vision will be restored and she can be her bubbly self once more.

59507_432165972499_3819915_nDear Lord, thank You for loving us. Thank you for creating such beautiful creature that we have had the chance to love and care for. Thank You for bringing into our lives this faithful friend. Thank You for blessing us with so much fond memories with this furry friend. As she suffers, we are reminded that God, You are Sovereign and that You are in control. As we await the diagnosis from the vet concerning her eyeball, we pray that Lord you will restore her sight and if that’s not Your plan, can we ask that there is no need for removal of the eyeball, Lord. Please have mercy on Ally, Papa. As for mum and dad who care for her in this possible last leg of her journey on this side of heaven, I ask that Lord  you will sustain them. Give them strength, comfort and courage as they see Ally through. Papa, we ask that You’ll keep us united as we brave this challenge as a family. May we keep our eyes fixed on You. We pray that You will have mercy Lord. Please have mercy on your servants Lord. Amen.

when life gives you more than you can stand…

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KNEEL

The past 18 days could not be busier. The weekends in Kampar have been filled with back to back meetings, mostly for church’s activities. In the midst of juggling with the commitments in the various committees, we are also learning to manage the expectations of other areas in life.

There were some changes we hope to happen but they fell through. Anil was a little disappointed that the change did not happen but being the person that he is, he has mastered the skills to camouflage very well. He appears to be a very calm ocean on the surface but the current underneath can be dangerous if not dealt with carefully. Prior to this, while waiting for the outcome, we have learned to kneel and pray as husband and wife every night before we sleep. The act of kneeling reminds us that the pain and anxiety is real – so was Jesus’ pain and anxiety on the cross and ironically, because of the cross, we can approach the throne of grace easily today. The worries did not go off immediately but we have learned to cast all our cares to Papa. 🙂

I was fortunate enough to tag along with the husband when he was in Penang for work. It was a good break for both of us – to be away from the routine and just enjoy each other’s presence. We did things we have not done before and also caught up with Pastor Yong during this trip. That meet up has created an avenue for me to get some things off the chest. It was therapeutic.

Today’s sermon was on Nehemiah. Pastor has put it simply by sharing with us a story. A boy was trapped in the top floor because of fire. The boy’s father was shouting at the top of his voice on the ground, ‘Jump, I’ll be here to catch you.’ “I can’t see you, Dad all I see is the black smoke! I’m scared,’ came the reply. The dad says, ‘Don’t worry son, I can see you from here and I’ll catch you.’ Likewise with our Father in Heaven – when we are so often crippled by the fear of things around us, we fail to see how powerful our Lord actually is. At this point, I remember one phrase that I read from the Daily Bread – ‘Satan trembles when the weakest saint stands on his knees.’ Prayer is not only powerful but it is also very therapeutic and calming.

Revived!

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14 days into 2015. This brand new year has begun with goals we are geared to achieve and reviving this blog is one of them. I am so thankful to be able to sit and write again. It is truly therapeutic.

The last blog was about how we were enjoying Indonesia’s kindness on forest fire and how we yearned for rain so desperately. And today, my fellow countrymen in Perak, Kelantan, Pahang and Johor are fighting flash flood. This flash flood is believed to be one of the worst since approximately 2 decades ago. A lot of things have been destroyed. Schools cannot be opened because water has not receded and it is for the first time I heard the Ministry of Education postponing the start date of school. Closer to home in Grik, the water level in the dam is approaching dangerous level and should the water continue to increase, the dam needs to be released. The consequence of such action would probably leave the orang asli village near the dam inundated.

On another note, many families of the victims of the ill-fated flights MH370, MH17 and QZ8501 are grieving for the sudden death of their family members or friends. Many hearts are broken and they have probably wondered what is there to be thankful for? This is especially true for the next of kins of those onboard MH370 – there is no closure to the tragedy. As at to-date, we are thankful that the black box for QZ8501 has been found.

Despite all these mishaps, i would want to still thank the Lord for the many blessings in 2014.

2014 has nevertheless been the most eventful year thus far. I got married to my best friend in June and we were able to enjoy our honeymoon in the US covering NYC, Michigan and Texas. This has truly been an unforgiving experience for both of us. Subsequent to the wedding, we were blessed with a home. The house deal that has been going on since March 2013 has finally come to pass. At one point, we thought the deal has fallen through but God surprised us!!! 🙂 We couldn’t be more thankful for this. The subsequent months were devoted to renovating and furnishing the love nest. It is simply amazing how the Lord has blessed us tremendously when we were financing this project. Today, we are enjoying the comfort of our own home.

On the family front, we celebrated dad’s 60th birthday in March with close friends and family members. We held it in a restaurant and we all had fun in the midst of some touching moments. Both my sis and Andrew have finally passed their thesis, adding another 2 members to a Master graduate in the family. My brother finally owned a new car that he’s been wanting to get. I got confirmed and am able to enjoy the benefits given by the firm.

God has been really gracious in 2014. He has been there always to see us through our ups and downs.

2015 doesn’t promise to be rosy but God’s grace is truly sufficient. I am looking forward to writing more (again!).

God is good!

white cloud, blue skies in His time

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I believe Malaysians have never been so happy seeing the heavy downpour yesterday especially for folks in Ipoh. We’re suffocating when the entire country was blanketed with haze. My cousin said we’re choking on Indonesia’s ‘kindness’. Don’t you like the sarcasm? 🙂 I have had mild discomfort – burning eyes and minor sore throat but I thank God for answering our prayers. I was so excited when I see lightning and hear thunders yesterday. I was praying that the rain will come soon. Wait, no. How about NOW? The feeling of inhaling smoke and not being able to exhale it is really tormenting. I have never like smokey places for the fact that I was always contracted to trachea infection growing up. Coughing was like my hobby as a child and cough syrup, my companion. So, it’s a BIG no no to smoke!

I had a long day yesterday. Didn’t hit the sack till after 11.30pm. I have cultured the habit of checking the colour of the sky every morning since we were hit by haze. I was touched when I saw the blue skies decorated with soft fluffy white clouds. The sky no longer looks dull and dirty but bright and hopeful. 🙂 I take that as a smile from my Papa in heaven. That’s the best gift ever. The picture painted depicts hope and love. What a great blessing to start the day with.

God has never fail to keep His promises especially when I am faced with challenges. Gigantic challenges that drowns me. It is at times such as these I was reminded of His big, unfailing love for me. Like part of the lyrics of the hymn ‘This is my Father’s World’, ‘In the rustling grass I hear Him pass, He speaks to me everywhere.’ Can you imagine the King of Kings want to tell you personally that He loves you? When He wants to do that, He will make sure I hear them. Every single time. I am forever thankful for His great love.

My plate has been full and I’m flagged out. So much to do at the same time. I am deflated. I am constantly tired (lately I blame it on the haze!) but whenever I retreat to my solitude, I know it is more than haze. It is my inner well being. In my solitude I find rest and my Lord. He is my source of comfort and strength. God has again and again assured me of His love. I am touched to bits. He has surprised me today with great news but I’ll keep that for now. Will share the entire love story Papa wrote in my life when things are confirmed. God can be trusted ALWAYS!!! Hallelujah!

In His Time

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So much to pour, so little time. Where has time gone? The thought of reviving this humble blog remains a thought until today. I figured I can’t contain the joy of experiencing Papa in such intimate way any longer. I want to tell the story, my story written by the Almighty. It is indeed a faith-stretching journey, nothing less.

Work remains a challenge. I want to quit. I want to flee but it is not time yet. It can be frustrating waiting for deliverance but wise people have this to say,’Waiting on the Lord is an act of confidence in Him and while waiting, don’t just survive but LIVE! LIVE because He has come to give life. So live life to the fullest everyday!’ How profound! I made an observation-friends around me are taking a big leap of faith, giving up their permanent jobs and going into business. Some become insurance agents while some, financial planners. These 2 are probably the major categories. I share their sentiments in wanting to be working for my own pocket instead of my bosses’. I want my freedom in time. I want to raise my own kids while earning a living. I reckon that’s only possible when I have my own business but then that will post a different kind of stress altogether. Oh well, that remains my long-term goal, God willing.

Coming closer to reality, I am keeping my eyes peeled for good opportunities to leave this firm. I have been looking hard and it’s frustrating when I don’t hear from any of the potential employers. The market is just so competitive now. However, it is all because of this desire to move on that allows me to draw closer to Papa again. I remember hearing a song in my dream when I was napping in the afternoon. It was the Monday after my trip to Haadyai with family a month ago. It was the dream that I hope wouldn’t stop. I thank God for such sweet rendition of ‘He Leadeth Me, O Blessed Thought’ from Him. I then came into contact with Ps23 twice in 4 days. I know when Papa wants to tell me something, He will make sure I get it.

Day in, day out. There’s still no news about job search or from people I have spoken with. Whatever it is, I remind myself that Papa is always in control and He loves me no less than the day I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. I went to church last Sunday like any other Sundays. The song sung were like reminders of Papa’s great love to me. When I get antsy, these songs came right into my heart. I was having a great moment with Papa that morning. The song ‘In His time’ calms my troubled soul while ‘I Surrender All’ reminded me of my identity in the Lord and that I can place my trust in Him. The last hymn picked, I believe it was hand-picked by Papa that morning was ‘He Leadeth Me, O Blessed Thought’. All these may be common songs widely sung in churches but that morning, they were all love songs from Papa to ME, His daughter who is crumbled with a load of care.

And this morning, I read this from Our Daily Bread website:
“I’m the man who has seen trouble, trouble coming from the lash of God’s anger. He took me by the hand and walked me into pitch-black darkness. Yes, he’s given me the back of his hand over and over and over again. 25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. 28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. 31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly.His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.” (Lamentations 3:1-3, 25-33)

What better way there is than to start the day with Papa’s great assurance of His love? I am assured that the Lord surely hasn’t forgotten about me and that He is leading me. My hand is in His and together, He will lead me through. Thank You Lord for your great love! I am richly blessed by You.

inspired

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The past weekend was truly a hectic one. We reached Kampar at about 8.15pm, went home unloaded the stuffs and headed out to Uncle Fair’s wake service in Eastern Garden. The service ended at a reasonably good time and we stayed for a little to catch up with church friends. Pastor Yong came back from Penang for this occasion too. So, we met up for breakfast the following day. Our laughter have invited stares from passers-by but we were really blessed to meet up for a meal though brief. 2 pm was the funeral service in church. There were more family members that day than on Friday night. Eulogies shared, tears shed and heartiest condolences extended. By 2.45pm, we were on our way to the burial ground. The undertakers were still scooping out the water from the hole dug. It is as good as fetching water from the well. The moment Pastor Richard started the ceremony, it started raining. The rain stopped when the ceremony ended. Uncle Manickam said it was showers of blessings from Papa. How true. Mr Squirrel and I headed for sports and then care group meeting at night. We were ready to call it a day by 10pm! Exhausted was an understatement but we enjoyed every bit of it.

Then came Sunday. We went to church, had breakfast and rested at home. Sunday evenings are now spent at the tennis court with my sis, bro-in-law (‘bil’) and daddy. But this past Sunday was a little different. We had the Yips to join us for the first time. My sis and bil have had several tennis sessions with them but it was my first. Hannah, aged 10 has been exposed to quite a handful of tennis tournaments already. Petite she may be (barely 4ft.) but her spirit of persistence has presented a whole new arena of what never give up really means. The moment she walked into the tennis court (she was lugging the racquet bag behind her and there were easily 4 racquets in the bag), I was amazed at how this little one would want to take up a sport like this. The racquet bag is almost as big as her, so is her racquet. She looks like a dwarf standing on a field and likened that to David & Goliath’s story.

Anyways, while she got herself warmed up with her sister and mum, my sister and I carried on with our game. When she finally stood in the court and started playing, she just couldn’t get the stroke right. The watchful eyes of her dad was on her, trying to figure out what went wrong. Her dad, WH, wanted to help so he took her aside and stroke with her for a while before sending her back to the court. This touching act reminds me of how our Papa in heaven is always watching us from the above, pulling us out, comforting and coaching us when things seem to be tough, if we allow Him to. Hannah played well through out after that little pep talk and correction from WH. I stood aside to rest while watching Hannah play. She would never let her height be a stumbling block. She jumped, stretched her hand high to hit every shot directed to her. I was very inspired and touched to the core.

We played for a good 30 minutes, non stop. We could tell she was getting tired for her balls were not where she intended them to be. She looked to her daddy and garnered strength to carry on. The fact that she looked to her daddy for encouragement was the loudest message Papa whispered into my heart that day. As I reflected on the journey back to KL, I couldn’t thank God enough for such beautiful message and inspiration in the form of Hannah, the little girl who is innately a high achiever and perfectionist.

God has been speaking all the time. We will only understand if we choose to see what He’s been doing in our lives. I was very touched to see Hannah overcoming the obstacle in playing tennis and by looking to her daddy, she would have all the encouragement needed to continue. No words exchanged, only turning the eyes to the right place would do. Isn’t that the what we’ve been taking for granted? Perhaps, it’s time to think about that?

I learned a new song on Saturday night during our care group meeting. It is simple yet profound. I trust that there was no coincidence. I pray and hope that I can be as persistent as Hannah to love the Lord Jesus forever! 🙂

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya

Ya Abba, Bapa, ini aku anakMu

Layakkanlah seluruh hidupku

Ya Abba, Bapa, ini aku anakMu

Pakailah sesuai dengan rencanaMu

Mr Squirrel and I were singing this song on the way back to KL. I was moved to tears by reflecting all that Papa has said and done over the weekend. I am encouraged and inspired by the Creator! Amen.

See you, Uncle Fair!

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He is now safe in Papa’s arms, free from pain and medication. He was battling pneumonia for more than a week before returning to Papa. Papa has healed him eternally.

I didn’t have much memory of this 90-year-old man who could speak fluent Latin and French. We were merely acquaintance but I remember taking a photo of him during the senior’s appreciation night. He was already toothless by then but he gave the sincerest and heartiest smile ever. The morning after the appreciation night, I had a chance of sheltering him through the ramp into the church because it was raining. I exchanged a few words with him. All I could remember was he was very grateful for the kind gesture. I remember saying this to him, ‘ Don’t worry about it, Uncle Fair, give me a chance to spoil you!’ He grinned from ear to ear as Mrs Fair looked on. I remember how Mrs Fair would faithfully hold his arms as they walk down the aisle for holy communion every first week of the month. He looked fragile and wobbly but he ALWAYS make his way there no matter what. All the memories about this warrior surfaced as I take a good look at the photo I kept in my Macbook. I couldn’t thank God enough for this.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come

‘Tis grace that brought me safe thus far

And Grace will lead me home

Thank you for leaving behind the short and sweet memory for me, Uncle Fair! We’ll meet again one day! See you!

at the crossroad we stand

Posted in my journey with God, my life by

Crossroads remind me of the literature piece I did in school – A road not taken. There will always be, no exception for this time too. God has made this slightly easier for He has graciously blessed me with a friend, soul mate and companion to make this decision with me or I with him, together. Thoughts filled our hearts and minds. Some stay in the mind and refuse to agree with the heart and vice versa. We are in a dilemma. BIG dilemma but… we rest assured that God is never far and He can be trusted always. Mr Squirrel told me it feels like he’s having exams again. The last time he had this feeling was when he was sitting for his professional paper which was about 5 years ago! I have to agree with him that this will be a BIG move and either of the decision will fetch great repercussions. We are both dumbfounded and drowned in the sea of questions. We concurred that we should fast and pray to seek the counsel of the wisest – our Heavenly Papa.

This moment in life reminds me of the time when I was pacing back and forth aimlessly in my apartment in the US – deciding whether I should stay put or return to Malaysia for good. It was difficult then but God has seen me through. I have experienced his intimate love and faithfulness, I know we have a great Shepherd, leading us through and there is no exception to this one too. I was mulling over what has been deliberated between us and I was reminded of a song. The words of this song can never be more real to us at this point. Old it may be but God works in mysterious ways. I reflected on what was shared in the worship service on Sunday by Mr C and WH. Great testimonies and timely reminder they are. WH said this, ‘God listens to the prayer of his people. Don’t face the problem alone for you have a community of people rallying in prayer with you. You are called to be part of God’s family and that’s what family is for.’ Mr C topped that off with (something to this extent), ‘You think God is not interested in your life? You are so wrong. He is interested in everything you do and are. Turn prayer into a fellowship time with Papa. Be transparent and truthful. God understands.’

I am taking this time to get in touch with my emotion over the entire ordeal. I am actually happy. Happy because we can experience this together and most importantly, pray together. I’m happy because God has sent so many messengers to us as a reminder of His faithfulness. I’m happy that we have a BIG God to whom we can lament, to where we can find comfort and to eternity, His unconditional love overflows. How are we not blessed to be His children? This season may not be easy but we trust that God has a grander plan for us! Like LV said, ‘No guts, no glory!’ Time maybe challenging but above all, we want to give Papa all the glory!

I’ll walk closer now on a higher way through the darkest night, will You hold my hand?

Jesus guide my way

O You mourn with me and You dance with me

For my heart of hearts is bound to you

O You counsel me and You comfort me

When I cannot see, You light my path

Though I walk through valleys low, I’ll fear no evil

By the waters still my soul

My heart will trust in You, my heart will trust in You

(My Heart Will Trust, Hillsong)