Guess What? Chicken Butt! noo......just kidding. Guess for real

So it seems I'm going to meet up with a blogger on my trip out West.  Yup.  Shhhhh, don't tell.

Well actually it was arranged between my hubby and this blogger, so no secrets involved  ;)

Guess who?

Fatty Fatty 2x4 can't fit through the kitchen door

I had to go to the doctor today
No big deal- just a heart problem...sigh

But who cares about that- I gained 7 lbs in the last few weeks!!!!
What the hell????

I hate myself today

They are amazing, and they are real

The one advantage to getting older is that my boobs are getting bigger. Thank goodness gravity hasn't had a chance to drag them down yet.  The only problem is trying to show them off yet keep them covered enough to be decent as a 38 yr old mom who is now working. 

I'm Pretty Good at Drinking Beer

Going to a concert tonight.  No need to take too much time getting ready. It is suppose to rain. Saves time doing the hair I suppose!!  Should be a good time though.

A funny story about my pussy

I hear it in the distance, down the road or in the woods.  Unmistakable !  The sound of my cat - fighting....or giving off the howl of a cat defending itself.  I grab the flash light, my sandals, and the pellet gun....I turn around and go back for my glasses.

I walk down the road (what a sight I must be in my pajamas and sweater) and flash the light from ditch to ditch and over the dirt road.  At least 4 shining sets of eyes are fixed on me I now see as the light scans and reflects off from their eyes. 

Hmmmm......I wonder what kind of animals these are looking at me?  I do a quick assessment- how far off the ground are they? Is the animal tall enough to do me harm here deep in the woods (where I live)??  As far as I can tell all the eyes are low.  Cats? Coons? Skunks?  Please God, don't let it be skunks.....

I keep walking down the road - wondering why it is I who always has to go check "the noise" that I heard- isn't this why I got married??? Geez!  I do not spot my own cat and the other animals slink back into the woods before I can truly identify them so I turn back toward home and catch my own breath in the flashlight- damn cold nights.  It's almost July, it should be warmer! 

I never did find what was making the noise but my presence made it stop I guess.  I am faking my courage still as I walk with a swagger back to my house and decide to unload the gun by firing it into the woods before I get to to close to the house- I take the safety off and pull the trigger.....nothing....I try again... try the safety again...still nothing.

Here I am being all brave with my pellet gun (it is too dark to bring a 'real' gun and be 100 percent certain I won't accidentally hurt anyone) when in reality my protection, my gun, is jammed. Doh!  Way to go Jules!!!

If you see a big black and white Tom Cat named Lost tell him to get his fuzzy ass home too- will you???

Edited vs Not- Real vs A Fantasy....which do you prefer?

I went to the beach today

I wore a 2 piece. 

 I have not worn a 2 piece to the beach

since....oh.....

199_?? something.

I have had five children, four that survived. 

One pregnancy that was twins

 (in which I gained almost 100lbs in 7 months)

I have lots of extra skin 

(that doesn't go away on it's own once the weight is lost)
I have stretch marks - oh for the stretch marks I have!

So my point is this:

I took a pic today

then my 9 yr old amateur photog took a pic of me.

I edited the pic I took like I normally would for posting here on this blog

then I decided- screw it! 

 I am going to post both

This is the edited pic

If you want to see the pic unedited.... click away......

if you prefer the fantasy- don't

This pic has the saving grace of being far enough away to hide anything

and gravity was my friend in this position!

All in all it was a beautiful day to head to the beach and a much needed afternoon away

Squeeze the buttocks, that is always the answer

At least that is the answer for how not to hurt your back (like I did 2 weeks ago and again yesterday)
I had just about recovered but then fatigued my back by lifting on some old wood dock sections but did it in when I helped put our new mattress in place and tweeked it while pulling it back a bit after pushing it too far.  I was NOT squeezing my butt cheeks while pushing and pulling on the mattress- hence the injury.

Sooooo, there ya go! Squeeze dem butt cheekers and stay safe!

damn back
too much to do to be laying around in pain

Miss-iss-ippi

Here the river is only a few feet across. The current is swift but manageable.  The water is clean and cool and clear.  I have seen the way this river ends and am happy that I get to see it in this form daily vs the wide, muddy way it finishes it's journey.

There are so many ways to access the river- parks, driving over it, through towns, or canoe accesses like this one.  This spot is one of my favorites since it is so very private.

please don't rain-yet. work to be done

If everyone would just stay out of my way I would get so much more done.  But stopping every few moments to help find something, break up a kid fight, feed people, help with something, work around their schedules etc makes me get nothing done. 

Started this morning right away by pulling everything out of the garden shed and fish cleaning shack and then got sidelined by my family.  All the stuff sits out waiting now for me to get back to it.  I just want to take a nap instead. sigh.  My luck everything will get rained on in the process.

tired.....
nothing looks good when you are tired

Full Day- keeping the body busy helps keep the mind at rest

I have already cleaned the outhouse, read a chapter in my book, fed and watered the chickens, planted half my garden, eaten twice (toast and then later an egg sandwich) rode bike down to the lake w/ the kids and am now heading back out to finish the garden.

I also plan on mowing my 2 acre yard and then coming in to conquer the inside of the house and start laundry (again) and finish folding what I hung on the line yesterday. 

Finally (after hopefully sneaking in a nap) I will head out with friends (SOOOOO excited) to the Roller Derby Formal.  When I asked what one wears to such an event the response was :

Something slutty!

I'm thinking about this look:

 

I have the socks and I have the lil black dress.  

I think I will add my dance shorts that have garters on them and put my hair up....

It's 2 ways of thinking

I don't understand the thinking that you should be handed things. Social services are there for those that need them I understand using them for: -to get on their feet again - for a short time - for the diabled - for vets - for the elderly - & I am sure I forgetting something that someone will bring up However to sit on FB and bitch about how you aren't getting your medical needs met because the govt can't get it's shit together and come up with a health care program that fits YOUR needs.....not ok. I happen to know this man does not hold a regular job of any sorts, I do not believe he is disabled, he is for sure not a vet since he does not believe in war fare of any kind (and is certain to bitch about that too), and he is younger than me. You do not "deserve" to have things handed to you. You should earn them, like I do. I would love to sit around and work on the next great American novel (which I have heard him say he is doing since I joined FB years back) But, buddy! I can't- I have a family to take care of and bills to pay! Including but not limited to my health f'ing insurance!!!!!! vent over- have to get back to work!

Room to grow and why do I always have to mess things up?

I don't let people into my heart much anymore.
I feel like I don't have much left of it, at least not much that isn't damaged.
 I was pondering this in the back of my head today I guess.

" I can't get my heart broke again, I can't handle it."
"I have a limited amount left"
"Why would I even think about it, why did I?"
"This thing called life will kill me, it has to. After all, noone gets out alive."
"Where are the bricks? Where is the mortar? I just need to build the walls back up, make them higher and more secure this time. Stop taking them down"

But as I went up the same walk to my house I have gone up for the past 13 yrs it hit me!  I realized- the heart has unlimited amounts of love in it.  It grows bigger and allows you to give more as there is the need.  While it may hurt it never truly breaks.  The game is not over until it no longer beats- literally.  Until I actually do flatline (for real) I do have love to give and receive and I need to realize this.

I need to get out of my head.  I need to stop reading into everything, putting it in the negative light.  I need to stop being so sure that it will end and fail and be bad and I will hurt- again.....more.....still...always...... I ruin things for myself.  Things happen the way I think they are going to (like me getting hurt) because of my own actions sometimes.  I change the way I am acting, I get defensive or worried, I carry on or back waaaaayyy off!  I do not help the situation and might very well be hurting them.


I am fortunate to have the opportunity to be loved and to love and I need to love like I can't get hurt and I won't.  But  if I do, I will heal and I will love again and I will let others love me.  Otherwise I will be missing out on some very incredible things in life and some amazing people.

Besides, people are taking a huge risk giving me love even after they know how I deal with it.  They are risking me turning them away, which is a huge possibility - they are braver than I.


This post is related to all those people in my life- friends, my family, even my husband.  I tend to push people away or keep them at arms length.  I even find now that I work for a person that has been my friend I am pushing him away and keeping him at a very far and professional distance.  Sigh. 

.............^...^.........^.............^.............^............ (I do believe she may flat line)

lonely

alone

bored

head / mind taking over

cleaning....going nowhere, seemingly getting nothing done

alone

lonely

Legs

Me, sitting at the computer, right now.
(no click)

A line I never thought I'd hear in my lifetime

"My husband is hitting on my girlfriend, stop him"  (she said)

Now that was one for the Bar Logic quote book that I keep

We can just burn them whole can't we?

I'm either very out of shape (which is quite possible) or I am just getting too darn old to be splitting wood.  Actually it isn't the wood that was killing me, rather the oak logs that were doing me in.  Ugh. 

Guess my boys better grow up soon! 

Knock Knock........(waiting for answer)

I have a thick skull.  Things take time to sink in I guess.  Maybe I just like denial.  I suppose I don't want the truth to be real.
BUT.......

I guess I get it.  It hit me last night, or maybe it snuck in through a crack in my oblivious " trying to keep reality out" wall that I seem to have built

So, now all I have to do is accept it.