I know what you are thinking…where have you been, right? I have thought the same thing. And the question remains…where have I been? I don’t know so don’t ask. The last time I was on I told you about my holiday during Thanksgiving. Fun times!!

Well, from there to now I have worked my butt off at work, been with my family and friends and completed my reconstruction as of Wednesday. So, I will start with Dec 1^st.

Dec 1^st:

I get my duct taped boulders off my chest, actually called expanders, but they sucked ass and hurt and made you feel you weren’t normal. You were reminded several times a day that you are fighting cancer. And that sucked. I left the hospital around noon and was on a conference call at 3pm. Now…I know what you’re thinking, I know…I am a bad ass, and not everyone can do that, but the ONLY reason I’m a bad ass is because, hum, wait for it, ok….I got nothin’. I just put on my bitch face and went into my day. The pain was tolerable and the difference between the expanders and the new implants was night and day. Maybe the expanders are awesome for some, but in my body they didn’t do well. They did their job, but I struggled daily with the discomfort and the odd movements.

I had to rest again for about 8 weeks before we could put on my nipples. This whole process was so strange, odd, unreal, unknown and every day had a bit of scare in it. So the holidays went by and 2015 come. A girlfriend and I went to Atlanta for News Year’s Eve to see the Chick-fil-A bowl. We had a blast. This was the first time she had seen my breast up to this point. It is always funny to see people’s faces when they see you for the first time. Let me correct that…see you naked for the first time.  She walked for me in November at the Susan G Komen Dallas walk. While changing clothes for dinner I pulled my shirt off and removed my tank top, damn tank tops…love hate with them. Anyway, I was bare up top. She stopped and looked and said…I think they look great, what do you think? Well, what do I think? I’m happy to be alive, and I’m happy to have boobs I guess, and I think my doctor did an amazing job. Everyone that sees them have such a different reaction. They don’t know what to say so they “they look great”, but really? People don’t know what to say to you when they find out you had cancer.  You can tell they are uneasy and nervous with every word. Besides, what are they supposed to say? ”Oh, wow, those look different”. Maybe. Because it is true. They do look different. I mean my whole life I have had people say…”you are so skinny” or “you need to gain weight, honey”. OK, … first of all, I’m petite not skinny, and I’m not your “honey” and I don’t need to gain fucking weight, maybe you need to lose fucking weight. Why is it OK for someone to say those words to a thin person, but we can’t say anything without being rude to a larger person. If you happy with your weight, awesome. Don’t judge.

On Feb 3^rd I had my first set of blood work since surgery. They pull a lot of blood out of you, so be ready. The results came back good…not awesome, but good. She said that my counts are low, but I may be a low carrier and she needs 2 more pulls of blood work before she can see what my normal is. So, what is normal? It depends on your body so I go back in Aug to get round 2. I’m interested in seeing what August is going to tell me. Remember, if you are following orders you have changed your diet up and you have started to exercise and either recovering from chemo/radiation or taking the chemo pill, which really screws with your body. At times the pills makes my face break out really bad. I still have (but not as bad) those crazy ass heat flashes. I’m learning how to control them, but if I’m upset or mad I have a harder time controlling them. I have had a few that made me feel sick. Like vomit sick. So, I learned to keep a pony tail holder in my bathroom because there are times you have to hold your own hair back. And that sucks.

On Feb 9^th I went in to get my nipples. YEP, nipples. They build them from your boobs. Sooo….how do you feel on this day. Nervous, scared, excited, conflicted, and happy you made it this far. So, how do they do nipples? Well, they tatter the skin right above your current scars. Now, your first scars are very thin and clean. They are sealed to perfection with glue and look and heal great. Now, the nipples will be built from the tattered skin and stitched with stitches. Remember that. I arrive at the hospital with family because you can’t drive home. So, they set me up and connect all the IV tubes, and then walks in Dr. H. He is so awesome. So, he walks in and says “are you ready for your nipples?” I said…”I guess, but do I need to get them?” Dr. H. “No, but I would recommend them as they will give you closure.” Up to this point my friends said I actually looked like Barbie in my boob area. Barbie doesn’t have nipples and her boobs are spot on. She is so perfect I guess, but why can’t she can’t cancer? Why can’t she have scars? She gets everything and credit for shit she doesn’t do. J So, I told Dr. H to proceed. I’m ready for this happen. So he pulls out his black Sharpie, YEP, a Sharpie and starts to draw what looks like punctuation marks on my breast. He measures and focuses on the marks and the top center of my chest plate and while he is doing this I am watching every move.  He is about 5’8, athletic body, his pressed scrub shirt is tucked into his pressed pants, clean shoes, and his wedding ring is tied in the drawstring of his pants.  He is very serious as he marks me up. Once done he stands and says…OK, we are good to go.

I asked again what will happen. He will tatter the skin and pull it all together and stitch it up to form a nipple. Then he will stitch up the sides. Simple. I thought…OK, fair enough. I get out of surgery and recovered well. I was told to go see the nurses tomorrow at the office and rest for the remainder of the day. My daughter and I went back the next day to see his nurses so they can clean and change my bandages. OK, so I get in the chair and she undresses my breasts. I look down and honestly didn’t know what to think. My daughter could see my shock. I wanted to cry. I wanted to say…”I change my mind on the nipples” and I’m not sure we did the right thing. BUT…too late. I felt like I could pass for Mrs. Frankenstein, all I needed was to be painted green. His nurse, who is awesome, said…don’t freak out, they will heal and look normal. All I could see was stitches sticking out all over the nipple and about an inch off each side. Hard to look at that on your body. Your mind is so fucking blown at this point that part of you doesn’t even care, but the sane part that is left does care. I knew I had to follow protocol and follow what I had done in the past. Trust my doctors and be a good patient. As far as the pain while healing. Nothing to different. Good days and bad, more itching then anything because this time the stitches are visual and sticking out everywhere. They poke you, and you can’t pull them AT ALL. Even when one is about to fall out…you HAVE to let them fall out on their own. Pulling can affect the insides.  Mind was blown. I need that remote island with that cabana boy. Just sayin’.

From nipples to June 10^th was again, rest time, but not on a remote island. I was living the dream. Working like a slave and trying to balance the demons (scars, cancer returning) that at times would pop up in my head while I was working or playing. I ran and started going to the gym more because even tho I was resting I was given a full release to getting healthy and adding some muscle and weight back to me. Your mind at this point is ready for a change in a positive direction. I would have gone and dug holes in the ground if asked. I didn’t care what I did, I just needed an outlet.

June 10^th: I wake up and go for a run…needing to clean up the mass of construction going on in my head. I knew I needed some clarity and running gives me that. I return home, shower, clean the girls, but no lotion…and grab my baby girl and head out the door. She is so awesome!! Have I ever told you that? My kids and I are close and listen to each other. We share life together and support when needed. We talk about everything…I mean EVERYTHING!! My kids fucking rock. So…we stop by Starbucks and then walk into the office. Dr. H’s staff is so cool. Love those girls. We walk into the room and the nurse has me take my top off, and I didn’t wear a bra because why? You’re getting tattoos and will be dressed in bandages. Because everything that happens to you while doing this ends in bandages. She puts me in “the chair” and has me lay back. She opens the most awesome paper gown she gave me and looks at what she has to do. She hands me a piece of plastic that has about 20 different sizes of circles. At this point I felt like a project. Which I guess if you think about it, you are. We move the different circles around my breast and nipple to see what size is best. Then we move to the tattoo color. She is pulling this stuff out of traveling suitcases. I envisioned me buying stolen product from a panhandler…again, my mind is great at making light of issues when I don’t know what to expect, and it cracks me up sometimes…the room was sterile and so was the equipment. And all her gums and needles were in packages. I knew I was good, but the thought of it all…so crazy.  She starts with giving me shots for the discomfort of the tattoos. The whole thing takes about an hour. She is funny and makes me laugh the whole time. Our sense of humors were the same, which helped. She gives me my instructions, we take a few pics, (I did before and after and during, I’m a nut like that) and puts on my bandages and off we go. You know…all women should buy stock in a bandage company…never know when you will need them. And the funny thing is…during all of this you find your favorite brand. Like finding an awesome shoe…you go back and buy more colors of the same shoe…same with your bandages because you go thru a lot of them. And tape…OMG, the tape. You so need to find your fav in tape because I tell ya’, the wrong tape will peel shit off your body if your not careful.  It will make your skin red, and give you a rash. I swear at times I thought if I placed some of the tape I had on my eyebrows and then pulled, I would have naked eyes and then have to draw those bitches back on. And why do people remove their hair and then draw it on? I don’t understand that. But, back to my tats. They looked really red due the blood that lifts up from the procedure, but I took pics anyway so I could understand, not because I was afraid of forgetting…because I don’t see how anyone can forget cancer and the processes.

I get home and start back to work. That night I crawl in bed and dream of the shower in the morning. Just the thought I get to take a shower so soon after a procedure…I was excited. J I pop up and jump in the bathroom to see the aftermath and take a shower. I was nervous, but kinda knew what I would see since I saw them the day before. But never having a tat before I was not sure what to expect. I pulled off my bandages to see dried blood on the bandages, but the artwork looked awesome. So, with a smile on my face I jumped in the shower. Now, I was told I could let water run over them….but I was so scared that the ink my run down my body…I started to laugh at such a site. Can you imagine standing in the shower after getting a tat and the water hits it and all the ink starts to run down your body like paint on a wall? OH…my GOD I would laugh my ass off and then cry and then get pissed. I would want to hit someone. But…that didn’t happen. Once I realized the ink was good to go, I let out a sigh of relief and did a little happy dance in the shower. GO me, Go me!!

So today is day 3 and tomorrow (day 4) I get to stop wearing bandages!!! I get to start to run again, workout, and do normal life things again. I’m also going to SkyDrive with my oldest son and his friend. We had to postpone this for a year because of my illness. That pissed me off because I don’t like to disappoint my kids.  I’m really pumped about that. So…I have always said that Jun 10^th would be my DONE day. I’m DONE…I’M FUCKING DONE WITH RECONSTRUCTION FROM CANCER!

I have to take my chemo pill for the next 5 to 7 years and I’m OK with that. I have to do boat loads of blood work for the possibly the rest of my life, but today…I’M DONE! I will say the fear never goes away, it is always in the back of your head…and every time you get a little cold or a strange spot on your body…you do freak out a bit. The “what if’s” come back. But I’m learning to embrace the “what if’s” and I’m learning to do things for myself and I’m proving to me every day that I can live and be strong. Cancer has done some sad things to my life and I will explain those later, today is not the day. But every day I get stronger and every day I love life again and I want to live for the next 47 years.

I’m trying to load pics, but they won’t take. I will again later.

Find beauty in your life. Cherish it and let go of what haunts you.

Enjoy your day, now go kick some ass!

Curly

Today I am with my husband, children and my brother. My brother has treated us like Kings and Queens. No complaints on my end. I miss him like crazy when I am not with him, and love him like crazy when we are together. We are good together, think a like, and laugh at each others humor. He calls me Beautiful, and Woman. He cracks me up, and fills my life with love and comfort. He believes in me, stands by me, and gives his opinion, but yet, at the same time holds my hair back when needed, and loves me unconditionally. A girl couldn’t ask for a better big brother. He is a piece of me, and I am better because of him. I’m grateful for him.

My children are with me this holiday. Amazing is the best word that describes my kids. They are the reason I wake up every day and do what I do, they are the reasons that made my cancer a piece of cake, if you can call cancer a piece of cake. When I was diagnosed I thought my life could end at that point. I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to cry every ounce of fluid out of my body when the doctor told me that I had breast cancer. At that moment my world stopped, it actually stopped. The 3 of them are the ones that pulled me from the dark side of fear and the unknown. My first morning after being told I started lining up a plan that would make me live, no matter what since at this moment I had no idea what type or how aggressive my cancer was. I have a bucket list for them and they have completed a few of the items on it. I will live to be a 100 at least so I can see my kids grow old, have children and find a career that they love. I’m gifted with a career I love, and all deserve that, and I want that for them. I want the world for them. They are my world, and when my day is hard and painful, I remember them and remember how amazing they are and gifted I am to have them.

My husband is an understanding man, loving and not a selfish man. He believes in his future and always make sure that me and the kids, which are not his, are taken care of. Cancer has been hard on us, and he is trying to understand my fear, and my uncertainty of what is going to happen to me. I do love him, and I am grateful to have him, and his unselfishness towards me and our children.

My friends are very connected to me. I have many, but yet I don’t. I know many, but only a few are in my circle. For those in my circle will be with me forever. I love them beyond my death and they know that. 5 of them I have been with since grade school or high school, and the other 7 have been with me from 1 year to 15, and they are amazing, loving, supportive and stood by me from the beginning of my cancer. I always knew we all would be there for each other, but when I got this they ALL stood next to me and held my hair back, bathed me, drain my tubes, and dressed me, and cried with me. Raye slept next to me and taught my daughter how to care for me. Angela accepted all my texts and calls, and carried me along the way, loving me at every moment. Jaclyn attended every appt, talked with the doctors and managed my days while at home healing. Sandy walked the Susan G. Koman walk for me. She honored me and supported me and helps me deal with the daily destruction of recovery. Bill was amazing and thoughtful. He gave me security, and pulled me off the ledge on many days. When I wanted to jump he talked me down and reminded me I am loved by many and I am powerful. Carl reminded me that I was strong enough to complete this task in my life. His wife went through this 3 years ago and gave me step by step support daily.

My sons dog Buck helped me daily. He is loving and with his little kisses and his love to lay next to me when I could and couldn’t get on the floor. He loves me without conditions and I love him for that.

I am grateful for my life, my family and my friends. I am a gifted person to have all in my life. I am proud to have gotten breast cancer, and I know I will make a difference in many lives because of it. It is a pain, and painful, but there is beauty in it as well.

I hope you all had a blessed and beautiful Thanksgiving Day.

Curly Red

I had breast cancer, 11 weeks ago I had a double mastectomy. I’m doing well, and maybe 90% back into life. I was a lucky one, one that did not have to do Chemo or radiation. My cancer, as if we can compare, was a relaxed form and took its time to travel, but it traveled. You know, I find that when I speak with people with cancer we naturally start comparing like people do with their cars, kids…similar to, well my cancer was worse then yours, type of comparisons. Not sure why this seems to happen, but I feel it is because we are all still pissed as hell, and confused by this bitch of a disease. These conversations taught me that I am lucky. I’m the girl that found her lump early and that saved my life. But I also think every day that cancer is still in my body and will it ever ravish my body and take my life?

I say my cancer was relaxed because even tho it traveled, they didn’t find it in the lymph nodes, but it traveled into my blood stream. So, every day I take this pill that goes into my body and finds the cancer cells and kills off their respecters. But it also gives you these long ass hot flashes that seem to last forever. They hit mostly at night while I am trying to sleep. I wake up to the covers flying off of me, limbs flinging and me trying to catch to my breath in a matter as if someone was chasing me and about to catch me. I feel my body raise to temperatures that I honestly think is way above 98 degrees. I feel as if I am about to ignite into flames. One of my nicknames is Curly Red, hence my curly reddish hair, but when one of these bitches hit, my hair has a whole new meaning. Some nights I actually laugh at myself because I think if someone was video taping me in the act of having one of these it would have to be hilarious. When I have them it is not funny, your body starts to heat up inside, your heart starts to pound, you feel every heart beat, and your breathing starts to increase. You feel as if your body is pulsating almost to the visual site of you convulsing and sweat will start to pour out of your body. Like last night, I crawled in bed past my bed time, cold, and too tired to adjust any covers so I sled down into them, thinking if I keep them tucked in I will warm up faster, and I took something to help me sleep since you get very little solid sleep with this stage (new life) I’m in. The bed was as cold as I was, but I knew if I curled up into the fetus position and pulled the covers up to my head, within minutes I would be warm, but I feel asleep before warming up. Well…remember the body heat, the tucked in covers, and the convulsing…well, last night I woke to me gasping for air as if someone was dancing my chest, flying my arms out of the covers, and trying to kick my feet out, but couldn’t because they were so tucked into the bed. I continued to fight with the covers, kicking and trying to stick a foot out so I can put out the fire that was going inside my body. I almost feel out of bed while performing this hellacious act of body combustion. But, if you can stand to have anyone touching you at these moments you make an amazing heated blanket.

What can be worse is when you have these in the middle of the day, in public, at work or driving your car. You can’t peel off your clothes to control the heat, and you can’t get enough cool air on you to control the heat. So you suck it up and try not to snap heads off of people that are looking at you weird. Public body heat combustion is the worse. I have learned to wear a thin tank top under all my clothes so if the heat gets too bad then I can take off my outer top so I can cool down faster. I’m scared one day I will get one of these and it will be so bad I will end up naked in some restaurant or some public place. You honestly out of survival you start trying to take off your clothes…so far my conscious mind has saved me from such humiliation. That is not how I want my 5 minutes of fame. Arrested for public nudity due to hot flashes giving to you by the drug that is saving your life. I guess that would be a conundrum. Do I want to blow up in flames or get arrest? I pick get arrest! 🙂

I feel I am hitting another milestone on Monday the 1st. I get my expanders out, my hard boulders that feel like they are ducted taped to my chest. These ugly bitches come out and my new customized boobs get placed in their space. I’m so fucking excited about this. I can’t express it in words. You have no idea what these expanders feel like in your body as they are one of the reasons you can’t sleep at times. They don’t move, they just stick out of your body disguising themselves as boobs, when they are not, tricky little basturds. It really isn’t funny, but I have to find humor in this otherwise I would have already jumped off the ledge. These little basturds are awesome in the fact they are doing their job, but at the same time reminds you daily that you are still limited on what you can do. At times I stare at them and wonder what my custom boobs will look like, will they take on the same shape or will they have natural boob shape? What will my nipples look like on my new boobs. As now I don’t have nipples, I just have these square like shapes on my chest that don’t move. Like when you lay down, your boobs should fall a little to the side right? Not these bad boys, they stand at attention all day long. Never bitch about what their job is, but at times send painful reminders through your chest reminding you to slow down. Funny how that works.

But nonetheless, I’m excited about my new boobs. I’m back at work full time and full travel working around my doctor appts and life is pretty good. Have lots I could complain about but why? Only I can fix these things I don’t like or understand, and right now my body is the most important. All the other worries and stresses will fall into their priority line up after I complete my reconstruction, and that is still a few months out.

I hope you all a great holiday week.

Curly

I am on my first girls weekend since my cancer. We have had a blast and I have progressed well. I can tell I am heading in the right direction with my healing. This weekend I have been able to roll over to my left and right side without performing a huge ordeal while sleeping, it still hurts a little, but doing much better. I’m happy with that.

Getting out of bed in the morning is still a bit uncomfortable and hurts to some degree, but every morning gets a little easier. My right side is really starting to stretch under the breast and that is fairly painful. Not sure what is going on in that breast, but I guess it is healing and doling what it is suppose to do. They are both still hard as hell, and they still look funny, but I can laugh with that now. I haven’t had tears in weeks. Go me!!

I must be healing between the breasts or something because they are starting to pull in between. I still don’t  have full range of motion with my arms, and I have a new pull in the elbow area of my right arm. This is part of the healing process that I don’t like. I want to shave under my arms without standing in the mirror. I want to be able to feel my deodorant going on but I still have to put that on while looking in the mirror, at least on the right side. I’m still numb on the right side. I smile every time I shave and put on my deodorant…I can’t wait for the day that I start to miss this action.

I’m find cancer and the recovery to be an amazing thing. Can’t say I’m happy I got it, but I’m glad that medicine is as good as it is today. I know I won’t live forever, but I need 80 more years, and I think I can do that. I feel good about it. I know I was given about a 12% chance of cancer returning to me, but I’m good with those odds. What is 12% anyway? To me it is not something that will following me daily, and I won’t let it control my life. But I also know me, and it will pop in my head from time to time, especially when and if my body does something strange.Or if I get sick and can’t knock it. But again, you can’t let it run your life. As  life is a game of odds and I’m winning the game today!!

I think the hardest thing for me to handle right now is the fact that I still can’t do anything I want. I start back to work tomorrow with light duty work, and since I work a lot from home or on the road I can do light duty really easily.. But I so want my life back, and I struggle with that. I talked to a friend this morning and they had just returned from their morning run…I so freaking miss my runs. I’m finding that to be hard, the fact that I can’t do anything like that. I miss the gym, the runs, the do what ever the hell I want to do things…and I miss the fact that when I am out with my girl friends I get tried fast and need to stop and rest during the day, I miss the fact that I can’t stay up as late as I use to. I miss sleeping thru the night…all night long with out pain.

But as my friend said this morning…I am almost there and I can do this. I have gone thru the hardest part, and I’m on the down hill now. But you know you can’t control the hardest part, but as you start to feel better you want to be able to control the easy part. I have to tell myself that I  still can’t control this part either. My body controls everything I do.

So here is a place I have found humor…I have noticed that I have more pain when I am cold. When you are cold and shiver your muscles react and that makes your chest muscles react with pain. I am still finding humor in this and I guess that is good. Otherwise I would be a damn basket case.

This life changing event does make you think. You put your life in perspective and see everything on different levels. This makes you categorize your life and your wants and realize you are stronger then you ever thought, and the things in your life that you had stressed about before cancer, they are not that important anymore. Can’t say you find humor in this part of it, but you know your end result will bring happiness.

I’m looking forward to this week. Like I said, I get to go back to work…strange I know, but that means I am days closer to my normal life. I can’t wait to put my ass back where it belongs and to make my triceps look like arms again instead of these gross bags of flab. Good thing I can laugh at myself!!

Take care, Curly

Had a great day to day, pain was controllable and I felt good all day. Had a few moments where I reached too far or under estimated the weight was an object, but other then a few minor hiccups, I did good.

I met with my plastic surgeon today and he agreed and approved for us to STOP my fills. He said my skin was tight, and he feels that I am ready to stop the process, rest and prep for the next surgery.

I was so happy, I wanted to hug him. He said that I looked really good, and he feels the transfer will go wonderfully. He said that we will order several sizes of the new implements, and while I am asleep on the table he will find the right size for me. Yes, think about what I just said…He will open me back up, pull out the expanders, and drop the size he thinks will fit, if he doesn’t like that size then he will pull them out and drop in the next one. He said he will add about 60 more CC’s to the ordered bags and he feels that will be the right size. So…strange thought for me…while I am knocked out on the table he and his nurse will try a few different sizes until he finds the right one for me. I will say…he is one of the best doctors in town, and writes many articles for the industry, and his bed side manor is amazing. I trust him and his team.

Today, overall was a great day. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel because for the last 6 weeks I was thinking it was a fucking bullet train.

I hope I’m not over thinking this day, but I have even been able to take a breath all day without working for it. I’m still sore, and I still don’t have 100% use of my arms, but I can walk around the town, shop and take my daughter to dinner. Helluva day for me. I will be so happy if I sleep thru the  night, so I am drinking a little Jack and Diet right now to help that happen.

After my appt my daughter and I went shopping and just had a great mom and daughter day. It has been too long since we were able to do that. I even bought an actual bra to fit these crazy expanders. It will never fit me once these things come out, but I will actually feel like a woman again under my clothes. Wearing these crazy nylon tube tops or ace badges is such a struggle, but worth their weight in gold during this process. It is a true love hate relationship I have with them. I want to burn them when their duty is done, but I won’t, I will donate them to my breast surgeon so she can give them those in need.

My next big step will be the release to start working my arms and abs again. I can’t get the release until I hit 6 weeks. So, I have 2 weeks to go. I can do this. So the week of Halloween will be the week I should be able to start with light weights and to turn this additional spare waving bag that developed under my arms back into muscle.  I don’t even wave at people unless I have on long sleeves or my arms are pushed against my body because of the nasty bag under my arm. And my ass has dropped about an inch and I need to work that back to its original location. It sucks to get old and cancer at the same time. What a bitch. But hey, I survived and I am doing well. I’m good with my minor issues. 🙂 I like my body, just need to tone a few places.

So, I hope you all had a great Wednesday, and I hope your weekend plans will be awesome. I know mine will be. 🙂

So…good night, good morning and good day.

Take  care, Curly

Today is Sunday and I still have pain and ongoing discomfort from my fills on Friday. I think the best way to describe what I am feeling is by saying I have been beaten with a bat with rocks strapped on it. Once the beating is over I am forced to strap the  rocks to my chest with duct tape. Every time I move these britches hurt. I can’t catch a good breath without doing small build up breaths and even those hurt. I can’t bend over from a standing position to pick anything up from the floor, or put the dog bowls down, or to tie my shoes without pain. I can squat to do those things, but both are not fun. Wednesday will be 4 weeks from my surgery, and I just cant think of having all these feelings for 6 more weeks.

Once the doctor approves the process and I pick my size (which I’m thinking found my size…these  then we stop and allow my body to rest for 6 weeks. Then I go back to surgery to have temporary expanders removed and the permanent ones placed. And it is the time frame of my rest, the 6 weeks, that I don’t want to continue with this pain. It starts to ware on you.

Even when you sneeze or cough…try to pull up your pants or even put on a jacket. Theres nothing you can do without some sort of discomfort, or pain.  It plays with your mind and makes you tried.

I still get a little pissed off when I think about getting breast cancer. It is such a painful bitch. It is like the mean bitchy girl you went to school with. You can’t stand her and you to pop her in the mouth, but you know you are better then that. So you take the verbal and visual abuse, hold your head high and carry on. This cancer bitch doesn’t shut her mouth either and you can’t pop her in the mouth, so the discomfort continues.

Everyone says it gets better, and every day brings you closer to the end.  I believe that, but dealing with this is just a tab bit of  bullshit.

I’m so bored at home and ready to return to work. I love my job, and can’t stand being in my house with limitations. I haven’t been given the go ahead to fully use my arms….I have those T-Rex arms to some degree. My weight limit is still at 5 pounds with my arms. So frustrating.

I find these little pieces of calmness in my mind and text, Skype or talk with my friends every chance I can. Just remember to continue on with life and try to keep it close to normal. I’m finding I feel like shit at home or out…it follows you so it doesn’t matter where you are at. ;);)

Enjoy your pain and carry on, and remember you are customizing your boobs 😀 .All I got to say is my new boobs will be totes amazballs.

Take care all, Curly

Well, yesterday I had my fill appt., it went great but was turned out to be painful. Like sick to my stomach painful. As I stated yesterday I had dinner, had a glass of wine and went to bed.

I slept OK, nothing out of the ordinary, same as I have since the surgery.  The pain was a bit crazy this morning, but doable.  Felt promising so I struggled out of bed to start my coffee. You know, you don’t realize how all your muscles are tied together, but man it was a bitch sitting up and pulling my legs off the bed.  Sometimes you think maybe this is the day I stay in bed all day. But I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to.

The feeling is still painful and numb. What will some day  be my breasts are these fairly large, hard as hell rocks. When you see them you can see the skin stretching and the shape of the expander.  They look crazy ass, and bit ridiculous. If they weren’t so hard and standing at attention they actually wouldn’t look so weird.

But you can’t take a deep breath without the feeling of complete restriction on  your chest and around your rib cage.  It feels as if, (and i dont know this feeling for sure) some one has beat me  with a bat on my chest and then strapped the rocks to my chest.  This hurts like hell, and honestly I think I’m going  to stop the fills. I can’t see how the next will be better, it can only feel worse. But even if it was the same, don’t care for it. 

I  swear, it is like torture, and if I knew any secrets I would so tell them to stop the pain. I have been in some form of pain or discomfort since my surgery. I just can’t do this any longer, I don’t care the size of my boobs anymore.  I’m a little person and don’t need boobs bigger then a babies head, or  large enough to put a wine glass between them so I can talk with both hands.  Seriously, the ones that were taken off did the job I needed them to, and that was to feed my children.

These new ones are to help me feel pretty again and help me fill out my clothes. And yes, sexually, someday.  But they say more then a handful or a mouthful  is too much. If that is the case I’m golden.  But…these also belong to me and I’m the one carrying the pain, so I get to control when I stop, lucky me.

I have to tell all of you going thru this, or if you know someone doing this, be patient, and stay focused on the end of this process. I’m hoping once the fills are done  and I rest for the next 6 weeks that the pain goes away, and life gets close to normal.  I wonder if I will continue feeling the bruise like feelings like I do now during my rest period. I’m hoping not because it is a beating. You learn to deal with it, but it is hard to separate it out every day.

I hope you all a great day, and can deal with your issues and pain. I will keep you posted as I move forward. My next appt is Wednesday, and I’m seeing the doc. I’m hoping to get my surgery date.  Lets cross our fingers for  good night sleep, I would ask for no pain, but we all know that is not happening.

So until tomorrow….good morning, good day, and good night.
Enjoy, Curly