My Dearest B

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The very first time I talked to you, I was only 17.  Right then, I fell deeply in love with your voice, and that never changed.  It has always held a power over me, it’s held an unexplainable temptation, and a beautiful promise.  But as the years went on, there was so much more, a depth to our friendship I can’t begin to describe.  You are a thousand little things to me – the twinkling of a stream on a hot summers day, the warmth of a fire when I needed comfort, and the dazzling dance of lust when I gaze into your eyes. 

You are my friend, my lover, my saviour, counsellor, advisor, my hero.  You are my safe place, my brother, my father, my laughter, my longing.  You are my heart, my soul, my deepest secret and unbridled desire.  You are the only man who has ever wholly & fully held my heart, and the only person who broke it into the tiniest of shreds, an all encompassing pain I never thought I would recover from – yet somehow our friendship was reclaimed and rebirthed, sweeter, stronger, more beautiful.  You are the one who consumed me, my precious love who shared our stolen moments, and secret liaisons.  You are my whole life, my everything. 

You, my dearest B… touch me in places no one else ever gained access to.  You are my strength in unimaginable pain, my rock when I am sinking, and my warrior when I want to give up.  You fight for me, and you are honest with me.  You make me better, stronger, prouder, and you loved me. Never with your words, but with your actions.  So many times it’s uncountable.  

I deeply loved you and I love you still. You are the reason I am the strong, loving, caring woman I am today – your belief in me is unparalleled, your trust in me cherished.  To have loved you has been the greatest heartache and the greatest gift of my life.  My life has been better because you have walked the journey with me.   To others you are husband, dad, sibling, colleague, or friend…. But to me, you shall always remain 

 – My dearest B.  

Will the real Me please take a bow!

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Hi folks,

If you are like me, you probably don’t hardly ever check in here. I was surprised I even managed to remember my email and password. What a life. What a journey.

Its been 9 years since I started this blog. You know, Max and I are still friends. We probably talk once a month, with a few texts here and there. Not sexual. Just friends. All the lust and desperation to be together has long passed, and in its place is a beautiful friendship. I couldn’t even call it a close friendship… just lovely relaxed conversations of two people who have a depth of care for the other. One day that will end. As he turns 60, and I’m turning 50…. life doesn’t go on forever does it. So that is Max. Still on the other side of the country. The last time I saw him was March 2020. We did coffee. I was in no place to be drawn into anything else, and wasn’t.

So what else…. yes… I left my husband. The last two years have been everything I expected – hard, heart breaking, a quandary of emotion, from the depths of Covid and facing homelessness, to renovating, selling, buying myself a new home, finalising the divorce, and finally arriving at this new beautiful life.

The other day I was explaining to my daughter all my nights out…. and I said to her ‘My life is a buffet of fun right now.’ The most telling is that I can have friends… whichever ones I want to! I can be free to pursue the things I love, and do as much or as little of things as I want to. I’m not quashed at every turn. I’m not questioned, not looked down on, not manipulated and abused.

Perhaps that was the hardest thing to deal with… the realisation I was an abused spouse. There was no denying it. The manipulation, the coercive control, the physical, sexual and emotional violence over the years became apparent – it was like my eyes were truly opened.

I’m not taking away from the bad choices I made. I made some while married and have made a few throughout the divorce process. But now…. I am no longer fragmented. My goal was to create a life with no secrets, and a life I didn’t need to escape from. I have done that. I am 100% wholly and thoroughly me. And I love the person I have become. I smile, I laugh, I look forward to the future. I am a Grandma (OMGOSH!!! It is the best!!), I love my family dearly, I love my God, I love my friends, and I no longer stress about tomorrow. I make goals and try to pursue them, I embrace my singleness and the gift of time.

So yes. I am taking a bow. I found the diamond amongst the mud. I am whipped clean, and sparkle. My joy is contagious, my heart is light, and the future is waiting expectantly for me to walk into it.

Bless all you who journeyed with me. I hope and pray you found your happiness.

Who am I?

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I’m having a crisis in my mind… can’t even call it a mid life crisis cause I think I had that in my 30s a decade ago.

What if you realise you aren’t who you think you are?  You aren’t who you try to be – you aren’t who you want the world to see you as?

and…..

If you aren’t being true to who you actually are… and being true to yourself means you are going to hurt other people…. do you be true to yourself or do you be true to the ones you would hurt if you chose yourself.

Context….  It’s 25 years of marriage and I know I can never love my husband the way he deserves, and he will never love me the way I need to be shown.   My walls are so high they are almost impenetrable.  So I’m staying here why?  Because I’m too gutless to leave?  Because I don’t want to hurt anyone?  For 30 years I have chosen my family, but (aside from Max,) never myself.   But I’m not this happy married woman.  I’m deeply sad, and deeply lonely.  Keeping up a facade that isn’t real because I know if I don’t I will hurt so many around me.  But really I just want to choose me.  I’m so tired.  So done.

The last few weeks have been very confronting in a lot of ways and I’m not sure what to do. 😔

Prepared to face the consequences – Part 2

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I walked in to a cheery hello and invitation to join Max’s delightful naked goodness.  The clothes were off faster than a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck, and I joined him.

We had 18 hours.  We talked, we danced, we laughed, we ate, we touched, we kissed, we gave each other our everything and held nothing back.  We slept, we went to breakfast, we came back, got naked again, and finally I had to take him to the airport and pick up my husband.  (Yeah it was as tacky as that which makes me feel blah but it is what it is.)

And now he is gone.  Just like that.  I don’t know when I will see him again.  Maybe a years time when the same conference is on.  Maybe not.

Before I went to see him I asked myself the question – what would I regret more?  Let me be clear – I do not like being a cheater, but I would definitely have regretted not seeing him.   Nor do I regret being with him – except when I think of hubby.

So where does that leave me?  Aside from undoing five years of hard work……

I was always confused by Max’s feelings towards me.  The past five years so many times he has said little things I have picked up on, that now I know he feels the same about me as I do about him.  I’m still deeply in love with him.  30 years of friendship and 11 since our first kiss – he still makes my heart beat faster, he still makes me feel things by the mere thought of him, and he still captures my heart.  Every. Time.

The stranger thing is that we are both also happy at home.  I am truly happy with hubby.  It isn’t perfect.  But it’s a hell lot better than before.  Max has always loved his wife and she is incredibly special to him too.  Yet at the same time what we have – it’s not an illusion, or an affair bubble.  I always knew that no matter what people tried to convince me of.  What we have is something incredibly special and unique and powerful.  He knows me,  fully knows me.  He listens and sees me, he sees more than anyone else ever sees and he accepts me.

I wasn’t sad when he left.  In fact I felt healed.  Together.  Whole.

I want them both.  My husband and Max.  Because I can only have Max occasionally I refuse to let what happens when we are together destroy me. If we lived in the same city it would be different.

But…..

These things never stay secret forever.  And I know that one day it will get found out.  There will be nothing I can say that will make it any better.   I will have to be prepared to walk away.  To lose everything we have built and are building.  I have to be prepared for that.  And if it happens I will leave without a fight.   I will not stay to try to work it out because I know I will always say yes to Max.  No matter how much I want to be different, the truth is – I’m not.  I’m just a girl in love with a guy I  can never fully have and living with a guy I can never fully love.  But I will always choose Max.

Thats probably what my future holds.  I will hurt and be hurt.   There will be no winners, but at least I am no longer lying to myself about it.  It’s only a matter of time.

In the meantime I go back to my married life and carry a special ‘Max’ friendship in my heart with more precious memories of beautiful moments where two hearts are fully entwined.

Prepared to face the consequences – Part 1.

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Friday.  My boys are in Hawaii.  My hubby jetted off interstate.  And Max was in town.

Let me go back a few weeks.  We were talking about travel.   He has often asked when I am next Westside, but a few things have held me back – not least, how badly I was broken the last time I was there.  I told him I was half/half on seeing him again.  I don’t think he believed me.  Anyway, he has travel plans for Canada and southern states etc but none to my town.  I was ok with that.   Then ten days ago he told me he had accepted a new job and the first stop was here for a conference.  I had about ten minutes to decide if/when I could see him and when he should fly home.  I said Friday, and so he booked his flights for Saturday.

Before he arrived I told him to keep Saturday morning free for me as I would come back.  He then asked me to stay the night.  We have never done that before.  We have always had to leave.  I said no because I thought  daughter 1 was working overnight and daughter 2 would be alone, but it ended up they were both here and D1 could take D2 to work.

It has been 5 years.  I really didn’t know what to expect before he said stay the night.  Even then I wasn’t 100% sure…. what if we looked at each other and were truly ‘just friends’?  What if he didn’t like me?  What if he rejected me?  What if him coming led me to another breakdown?  If I saw him, I also had to leave him.  And because we rarely see each other the goodbye is always certainly a long goodbye with no promise of a distant hello.  The only thing I knew was that I was screwed no matter which way I turned.

If I didn’t see him, I would never have an answer for my what if’s.  If I did….  we would almost certainly be getting naked and down and dirty.

I had to make a choice.  Be true.  Or be the liar.  The cheat.  The dishonourable wife. I couldn’t have it all.  I couldn’t have them both.  Setting up lies is not easy!  Being sneaky is not simple.  Living with guilt – awful.  None as awful as if hubby found out though.

When I dropped hubby to the airport Friday morning, I had already set it up.   My bags were ready, my car cleaned, hair cut, some weight lost.  As I left my house that morning I left with a weight on my shoulders.  If I was going to walk headfirst into this I had to be prepared to accept it might implode.  In fact I believed it would.  I had to be prepared to face the consequences of my actions.

I looked at my house, in case I never came home.  I said goodbye to my animals in case I could never see them again.  Then – I just had to survive the day.  I don’t think I accomplished anything except counting down till time to leave.

Finally on my way, I rang hubby to check in.  Reminded him I was on a night out and may not be contactable – he was on a work night as well, so it kind of worked.  I got to the hotel and the key was waiting at reception.  Shaking, I made my way up to the room.   Taking a long breath, I let myself in and heard the familiar sound of water flowing…..

Max

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After 5 years Max is coming to town.  Actually his plane  landed a  couple of hours ago.   I’m supposed to see him Friday.

I’m terrified.  Of so much.

Thats all. 😔

1% Broken

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Some days the brokenness wins over the victories.

Today is that day.   I can ignore it.  I can hide it.  I can pretend it isn’t the truth. I can continue with my life.  My mostly happy, contented life.  But I can never say I don’t love you.  Because I still do.

In another life…

How Fast Life Goes…

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Hi friends,  I wonder how you all are doing??  I’ve had a really busy year.  Work has been challenging and demanding.  We have had lots of changes in our lives.  Kids coming home, kids leaving, buying another home, renovating, renting, business…. the never ending pressure that comes from busy lives and big families.  It’s great, but I’m exhausted now.

Next year is looking promising.  Looking for a new job, holiday to the home land, living closer to work.  Things will be changing again. I love change and sometimes hate it too 🙂

I have asked myself multiple times in the past few weeks – what if I could wake up next year and suddenly not love Max any more?  Would I even want that?  Good question.  He has had a demanding year too.  We haven’t caught up that much, but the friendship still runs deep.  He threw me a curveball halfway through the year when he asked if I had heard a new James Blunt song.  I hadn’t but when I did – it was the perfect song for us.  I struggled with it for a long time.  The fact I knew he listened to it every day, and that meant he thought of me.  It also meant he still felt strongly for me. (Dare I say love?!)   Anyway, that passed by eventually and our friendship which was rocky for a few months became smoother again.  It’s kind of like your favourite rug… somehow, it is comforting and restful and makes you feel at peace.

I hope you are all well.  I think of my friends here often.  May 2017 end happily and 2018 rain all things wonderful on you.

Felicity xx

 

It’s been 3 years…

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Dear Max,

It’s been 3 years since my heart broke.  It isn’t fully mended but, I have mostly moved on.  Yes, my heart still longs for you at times – it’s a feeling.  I can’t change that.  I often wish I could.  And sometimes I don’t.  In my own weird way, it keeps me true.

I have no regrets breaking it off.   No regrets for where I am today.  No regrets for staying with my husband, no regrets for not telling him either.  When I read back, I roll my eyes at so much, but it was me at the time, it was my journey.  It was based in so many insecurities.  Those insecurities have been replaced with a deep content.  In my life, in my future, in you.

Next month marks 3 years since I have seen you, and I often wish I could.  Just to ‘be’.  Sounds weird?  Probably is.  But no one knows me like you.  No one else has walked this painful journey and understands exactly what it was, what we were, and where we are now.  No one else could sit beside me in silence and understand it.

So today, I am taking a moment to remember.  Because I can.  Because we have both worked so hard to get to ‘this’ place.  And we are both better for it.

I can move on, but I can never forget….

F.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas

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I have had/am having the best Christmas in years.

We took a family pic at some ungodly hour of the morning after we had randomly all opened our presents.  We spent Christmas Eve in church and then went home to eat, entertain and play all sorts of games.  We bought each other serious presents and silly gifts.  We laughed and we joked and we made a mess and we sprayed confetti everywhere.  We dressed up in silly outfits and we played jokes on each other.  We brought up memories and laughed some more.  We decided to open one present at midnight and then that turned into all our presents. And finally about 2am we went to bed.  Happy, full, and feeling the love.

I can’t help but think…… THIS IS WHAT I FOUGHT FOR!  Every moment.  Every laugh.  Every joke.  Every silly gift.  Every snap chat gone wrong and every photo.  I fought for this!  When I wanted to give up I had to stay strong.  When I wanted to leave, I gave it another go.  When my husband sucked, I looked for the good.

Three years later is so very different than before.  I cannot erase my past, and nor do I want to,  but I am so thankful I fought for what I couldn’t imagine was possible.

Today I am thankful.  For forgiveness, for peace, for love, for a God who saves, for a tiny baby who changed the course of the world, and I’m thankful for my marriage, my family and just to be here.

I’m really writing just to say that if anyone is fighting for their tomorrow – don’t give up.  Remember your attitude takes you a very long way.  Don’t stop believing in the impossible.  Fight for your future.  Fight for what is right.  When it arrives, you will be ever so pleased you did.

Forgive always,  love deeply and most of all I hope all my friends have a very Happy Christmas.

Felicity xx