Big kid update

My big kid struggles. For those of you who haven't heard or don't know or whatever, the sequence of events was... something's up with my kid. Maybe it's sensory processing disorder? Nope, ADHD. What else, though? Autism. Also anxiety. Also depression. 

We've been through a lot of therapy -- ABA and talk therapy -- and tried different medications, and the newest one is Abilify. He says it makes him feel really flat and "meh," but he's also done a few things, so I don't know whether it's better or worse than the Zoloft, on which he was having intense raging freak-outs twice a week. I don't want him to feel flat, but for harmonious home life, it's certainly better than rage. Still, we're considering it a trial run, checking in with therapist tomorrow, and willing to change. 

At the moment, the kid is non-binary. That seems to be more or less what they've been for most of three or so years, although before this, they spent about two months insisting they were definitely a guy, so we're just going with the flow. They want to be called "it" for pronouns, but I'm not down with that -- too dehumanizing. 

They are failing 7th grade, which sucks, but also, pandemic, so who cares? We're surviving. And frankly, the kid knows the majority of what they're teaching already, and the school is pretty unlikely to hold anyone back, so... we're playing that by ear, too. 

Sometimes the therapist is like, "you just have to make the kid do stuff -- they won't do homework? Take something away, or offer a reward." And I get it -- that IS what you'd do with most kids. But we've been living with ours for twelve years, and there's just not a lot that can be done. If they won't get a reward for doing what they don't want to do, FUCK the reward. There is no reward on earth worth it. If we take something away, they have such a suicidal homicidal meltdown there's a decent chance someone will end up hurt or locked up. Like, oh, hah-hah, having a little tantrum, eh? No, the kid does NOT CALM DOWN. 

It reminds me a little of the sleep training methods where you are supposed to let them cry, come comfort them, back off, let them cry, come comfort them... most parents report that the kids are asleep within like 20 minutes. Ours cried for four hours. The kid is intense, and always has been. 

The other option is that you take something away, and they decide they don't care about it one whit, and fuck you. There just really is no winning in a battle of wills with this kid. I don't have it in me. 

Before I became a parent, I read an article about a couple whose autistic son, as he got bigger and older, had rages and hurt them, or threatened them, and they were at the point where they thought he was going to be institutionalized because they couldn't keep themselves safe around him. 

I remember thinking that it sucked, but thank god it was such a rare and unlikely situation. Now I wonder just how close we are to the same decisions. Not close, but not as far away as I'd like, either. 

They're a brilliant artist. They love talking to their friends on Discord. Sometimes they laugh so uproariously that Sweetie and I smile at each other. They love to go on walks and swing in the park. They can be really sweet to kids, including sometimes their little brother. They are passionate about injustice, and angry when people don't wear masks in public. 

They consistently decline our invitations to watch a movie together, play a board game... 

If we do something as a family, they keep their headphones on most of the time, or complain bitterly about the experience and beg us to leave early. 

Occasionally I get a hug. Mostly I don't. 

Happy New Year!

And to 2020? Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. 

I know dates like this are kind of arbitrary, and yet I always have thought of the new year as a time to reflect a little and look forward a little. 

It's been a nice vacation. We got the kids out of the house a couple times, including on a nice nature walk today at Effie Yeaw. I sometimes don't know what to make of Kai -- for a brilliant kid, Kai really isn't a great communicator. But I mentioned going to Sutter's Landing today, because it had been a tradition for the two of us. And he said that's exactly why we shouldn't take Lochlan there. We should go somewhere else to keep the tradition as it was. 

At first, I was a little hurt that he couldn't expand out tradition to include his little brother, but then I thought that for Kai, that probably is a way of saying that the two-of-us time was special and should be preserved in some way. I'm okay with that. 

Sometimes I worry that I'm not that great at communicating something myself -- like, I'm such an enormous super-fan of my friends, but also, sometimes I don't reach out much or spend a lot of time with them. But a friend who moved away many years ago is moving back here, and will be close by. So (with permission from our mutual friend who has been facilitating the long-distance move) I've been secretly going over there and cleaning (with Mom's help), putting in shelf liner, assembling flat-pack furniture, a little light caulking... in the hopes that I could help take a load off her and make it a welcoming, kid-ready home. It feels good to do this for her, because showing up with an allen wrench and some CLR is one way of showing love, I think. 

As always, I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but there are lots of things I'd like to do and pursue and learn. I looked up beginning guitar classes, arranged the garage to have space to work out at home, bought some vitamins that will be delivered next week, scheduled a mammogram, and thought a little about my consumption of goods (I honestly like to shop, and the pandemic has made it feel really easy to just have stuff delivered to the door). 

My cousin remarked on how much my uncle enjoyed my songwriting the other day, and I feel a little like I ought to honor that by writing some songs (there have been several sitting in my brain's back pocket). I would like to correspond more with my friends and family. 

I don't really want to focus on losing weight, but it doesn't hurt to make sure that I'm remembering Michael Pollan's advice: eat food, not too much, mostly plants. 

I might try to remember to use nighttime moisturizer, as I turn 45 in less than two weeks. 

My mom made split pea soup today, which is always our "lucky" New Year tradition (disrupted somewhat in the last few years). It was nice to share a meal, to imagine a positive future, to eat delicious soup, to laugh at funny memories together. Kai wants to learn to make the garlic bread with me. 

I am called for bedtime reading. 

Happy New Year. 

Seeing silver linings

A friend asked on Facebook what was the most fun you'd had during stay-at-home orders. I had a hard time thinking of one REALLY fun thing, but I thought of lots of little nice things. 

I've made pies, cookies, kouign-ammans, croissants, pan dulce, ice cream, and many other delicious treats. 

I've gotten to read multiple books to Lochlan. 

We've had many more family movie nights than usual. 

I spent quite a bit of time and effort creating the front yard I've been dreaming about for years. 

I did my first (and possibly my last) cross-stitch.

I've been able to over-hear my kid's schooling, which is... not always wonderful, but it's interesting. 

I have been able to teach with my cat on my lap, a LOT.

I got a new hummingbird feeder and a bird feeder, and I can see them from my desk, and we have hummingbirds visit basically all day long. 

I have been walking for exercise, and on a handful of occasions, the big kid has come with me and we've had good talks. The rest of the time, I've enjoyed audiobooks or music, and looked at houses, and smelled the orange blossoms and roses, and stolen a fig or two when the ones overhanging the sidewalk first got ripe.

I've used the hot tub with Ant and the little one a LOT, and it's been nice to sit in there and play and talk and stare at the backyard, dreaming of what else I might do or add to the garden. 

I bought an outdoor heater and we watched "The Mandalorian" outside with the neighbors (probably about half the episodes, we watched together). 

I didn't spend much on gasoline or work clothes or school clothes, which was kind of nice. I didn't go to Ikea and Target and World Market and just buy impulse items, either. That was kind of a nice break. 

I dyed my hair multiple silly colors, because when you're not on campus and your hair is behind a set of headphones and no one sees you from the back, who cares?! Not like I need to look professional -- I teach barefoot now. Hell, I only wear a bra with a wire about once every two weeks now! 

I decorated the front yard much more enthusiastically than usual for the holidays. I baked an extra set of cookies just for the neighbors, and they brought us vegetarian sausage rolls (the Mandalorian neighbors) and cupcakes (the younguns across the street that we're just getting to know). 

On the occasions I *have* had to go out, traffic has been lighter, parking has been easier, and you no longer have to wait in long lines at toll booths -- just fly through and pay the bill that comes in the mail later!

With no commute, I rarely feel rushed, and often have time to unwind and read and hang out between work and getting dinner on. 

Are there things that have been outright awful, things I miss, things I cannot WAIT to get back to? Of course. But there are good things, too. 

Art & ennui

So, I've been wanting to art lately. What kind of art? Eh, I dunno. 

I want to sing, but when? Where? Not in a choir or with a band, surely-in-these-times. Not in my house where I'm self-conscious about annoying my loved ones*. Not in the garage which is cold and where I could be heard by my street's many walkers. And the other day I tried to sing a bit and couldn't get the note I was looking for, so probably I can't sing at all anymore. Also, I can't play any instruments that one sings along to, so I'd have to probably learn guitar or something first. No time.

I want to use my encaustics materials to make art, but what if it is bad? What if I make a mess? What if I make art and it is awful and then I feel bad about it taking up space? 

I want to write, but ugh. I don't feel inspired. I mean, I'm mainly using this blog as a way to occasionally force myself to sit and type things sometimes, and I appreciate the 5-6 of you who are regularly reading it. But as you can see, I have very little of import to say, and I'm not sure the way I see the world is very interesting right now. 

And also, there is a mess to clean and six-year-olds to make snacks for, and a cat on my lap, so I just don't have any forward momentum. 

Bleh. Poo. 

In other news, my hummingbird feeder is lively, and one even -- at last! -- sat on the little hummingbird swing very briefly. 


*Not that singing in general annoys them, but the kind of singing where you practice the same song over and over to try to get it right -- I think that might be annoying. 

Dreams & lights

 Lochlan asked me how you remember your dreams, and what dreams of mine I remember. 

I don't remember my dreams often -- usually I have a hazy impression right as I wake, and then it's gone. But it happened that yesterday, when he asked, I had had a lengthy and strange dream that I remembered well, and it had culminated in seeing my grandma and giving her a big hug. 

What I didn't tell him was that it looked like she had been crying, and she was a little shorter than I remembered (which is tough!), and I promised her I'd go to therapy. You don't have to keep promises to dream-grandmas, do you?

*~*~*~*~

We got the kids in the car to go looking at Christmas lights last night. I always like to, but everyone else has a more lukewarm response. Ant has bad memories of being dragged around for hours (although she seemed happy to go), Lochlan wanted the phone, and Kai doesn't like anything (although he also hopped in the car without argument). 

The "Fab 40s" neighborhood not far from us always decorates a lot -- a few streets coordinate the color of lights wrapped around their trees, and a few string lights overhead across the street. There are always a couple really stand-out displays, including one with multiple wooden cut-outs of characters from Star Wars, Spongebob, Trolls, and more. Last night one place had some sort of projection of Santa on a high window winking and waving. There was a vintage fire engine decorated up and "rescuing" a mannequin hung to look like he'd slipped while hanging up lights. There were enormous reindeer, a Santa in a vintage car, and luminaria. Along with us and other drivers, there were several horses with small carriages, a pedicab, a big hayride pulled by two horses, and a parade of classic 50s cars and trucks. It was nice. 

Well... we did have some complaints. People were walking to enjoy the display as well, and VERY few of them were masked. Kai eventually (read: after three blocks) decided he had a headache and wanted to go home. And of course, people were driving weird (like, letting you go when it was their turn, or not using signals and just SITTING there for no apparent reason). 

But overall it was pretty nice. 

Bah, humbug!

A few years ago, I wrote a list of my favorite Christmas songs, and why I loved the ones I did. 

A few days ago, Sweetie almost pissed herself, thinking we were going to get into a car accident because I screamed NO and made a sudden movement, all to keep myself from having to hear Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time."

I don'y know why I have such a visceral reaction to that song in particular, but let's get right to it: there ARE some Christmas songs I hate. 

McCartney's pile of tinsel-covered poo is emblematic of what I dislike about the rest of his solo and/or Wings stuff: it's catchy, sappy, and devoid of any of the conflict and intrigue of the Beatles' music. You can practically hear the cash register noises as he gets royalties, but does anyone LIKE it? Does anyone find it MEANINGFUL? Can you build fond Christmas memories around "The word is out About the town So lift a glass Ahh, don't look down"? Also, did you KNOW those were the lyrics, or did you, like me, process that whole song by remembering only "SIM-ply HAV-ing a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME" over and over?

Around this time of year, my friends on Facebook start posting videos by Pentatonix, an a capella group of sincere children who are perhaps a small cult. They sing beautifully, and they often take on the classic religious carols I actually like. But they do so while smiling beauty queen smiles and looking admiringly heavenward (that is, if they're not directing their soulful gaze DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA). 

Sidebar -- just after high school, I accompanied some friends of mine to an event at Rancho Seco park. It's a lovely park 45 minutes or an hour outside of town with a lake, and it is perhaps best known locally for also being the site of a nuclear power generating station. I didn't drive, so Mike was driving, and his girlfriend Dawn (who was my friend) was in the passenger seat. Both were LDS (Mormon), which wasn't unusual. Although I myself was a godless heathen, I attended a school with a fairly large Mormon population and was friends with several. I even attended a Mormon dance once. Anyway, Dawn was (and is) a lovely person, but scarred, as so many people are, by strict adherence to and belief in her very religious upbringing, and their relationship carried some disturbing hallmarks of what would become a very troubling marriage. Anyway, we were driving along on this warm day on the way to the park, and the song Creep by Radiohead came on. I liked the song then and still do. We all sang along to it. But of course, when the vulgarity passed, they quieted. And then the lines, "I want a perfect body... I want a perfect soul" came up. To my surprise, Dawn's voice rose in volume significantly, she squeezed her eyes closed sincerely, she gesticulated -- she sang "I want a perfect soul" like it was a gospel song. She MEANT that shit. (To be fair, that may be how I sang the line "what the hell am I doing here?" shortly thereafter.)

And THAT is the vibe I get from Pentatonix. They want a perfect soul. They will take this song and smoosh out of it a RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD ALMIGHTY IN THE HIGHEST. And then they will stare at you to make sure you get it, too. Do you get it? Do you really? Mary, did you know? In Excelsis Deo? The Lord is come. LET EAAARRTH RECEIIIIVVEEE HER KIIIING!!! (Eyeballs you meaningfully through the camera.)

I like a lot of R&B music, but I have very little patience for one of the hallmarks of the genre: melisma. Melisma is that thing where you sing one syllable but a bunch of different notes. Do you know the song "Let's Hear it For the Boy?" When she sings "Let's give the boy a haa-ah-ah-ah-he-ya-a-and," that's melisma. If it's built into a song*, I usually don't mind it. It's when you're expecting a song to have a certain meter and number of syllables, and it diverges wildly from that that I feel it's kind of cringe-worthy. Think of "America the Beautiful" when they go "Ame-hey--hey-heerica." There are a lot of singers that do this to Christmas music, and I start flipping stations. We heard "Jojo" the other day singing something like "Chestnuts ra-hoasting on an O-o-whoa-whoa-ho-pen fay-ya-ya-ya-yuh-her." No thank you. 
(* A Christmas song with melisma built in? Gloria In Excelsis Deo!)

"Do they know it's Christmas" has gotten a lot of well-deserved hate from better writers than I, but I will just add my note: I like the IDEA of Band-Aid raising money for charity, but the lyrics could not have been worse if they were intentionally trying to write a parody of this kind of thing. It's sounds like Lucille Bluth could have sung it.

Lucille Bluth

"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?"

First of all, Africa is quite large, and parts of it definitely will get snow this year and every year. Ever heard of "The Snow of Kilimanjaro"? Well, it's IN AFRICA.

No rivers flow? Not even the NILE AND THE CONGO? Jesus, pick up a globe or something. This bitch read Heart of Darkness and wrote a Christmas song. Just kidding -- Heart of Darkness prominently features rivers!

And do they know it's Christmas? Well, after we spent decades colonizing their asses and sending missionaries to convert them to Christianity, yes, I'd guess that many of them do!

Further, it is the Edward Gorey comic of Christmas songs. It is the Wednesday Addams of Christmas songs. It is the Edgar Allen Poe of Christmas songs, and I LIKE all of those people/characters and I do not like this. 

There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing

Is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring
They are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

I mean... I... We're thanking GOD right now that the "clanging chimes of doom" are for somebody else?

All right, that's all for my Very Scroogy Sing-a-long! 

Be well, friends. 

Winter break

 Well, I haven't really talked about distance learning. It's... different.

I'm doing my best, and I'm putting a lot of time and effort into it, and we're doing okay, my students and I. 

I always wish I could give them more -- more time, more engagement, more help. But we are limited, and that's that. 

Many of them -- I guess I am bragging here -- are saying that mine is their favorite or best class. 

My student teacher and I have started mini-conferences, asking four students to stay after each class and then talking to them privately in breakout rooms. We have four questions: Is there anything I can help with in this class? How's the rest of school going? Are all your needs met in general? Would you like to set a goal (short-term or long-term, academic or personal)?

It's been great. When we're in breakout rooms, we really get to engage with the kids in a way we can't in a larger group. Many will turn their cameras on. Many have set important goals, including things like getting more sleep and remembering to eat. 

Today was the last day until January 4th, and I'm glad to have a break, although I've already told several of them that I'd be checking emails (I would have anyway). And I'll certainly be planning -- we have a lot of stuff coming up. 

I really do miss the classroom experience -- seeing them, commenting on their new shoes, noticing the baby picture tucked into the clear cover of their notebook, shooting the shit with a handful of them while we eat lunch.

But we are doing okay! 

I'm trying to transition into a Christmassy feeling, although it is somewhat harder knowing we won't be doing most of the Christmassy things. No shopping, no brunch with my auntie and cousins, no white elephant exchange with the other side of my family, no open house here for my friends.

I am baking and whatnot, mostly for Christmas, but also partly just stuff I like -- I've been making milk kefir, and we really enjoyed a lemony kefir yogurt we got at the farmer's market. I made lemon curd today, so I think mixing that with the kefir will be the perfect amount of sweetness and tartness. 

I also made hot fudge and caramelized rice krispies, and stirred them into an ice cream base for a really remarkably good ice cream.

I'm about to pack up my treats to drop them off on people's porches. The nice thing about a pandemic is that people are home most of the time, so you can pretty reliably drop stuff off and text them to take it inside right away. 

I'm behind on a big crafting project I took on and am at least temporarily demoralized about it: I got the wrong width fabric and I'm not at all sure I'm going to have enough. And I cut one pattern out wrong. I'll still be able to use it, but it puts a hitch in my giddyap. 

We've created a very hygge sort of feeling around here -- the couch faces the fireplace, the tree smells lovely, there's a blanket and pillows out, and a cat on my lap. It's no big social season, but it's all right. We're safe, we're loved, and we're protecting future seasons. As the song goes, "From now on we all will be together as the fates allow. Hang a shining star upon the highest bow. And have yourself a merry little Christmas now." Someday those faithful friends who are dear to us will gather near to us once more.